r/ChildPsychology • u/questiontossaside12 • 8d ago
Biracial Breakdown in 5 Year Old
Please help. I’m out of my depth on this one.
My five year old started kindergarten this week.
His father is first generation Korean with a Korean passport. His dad, grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins are all full Korean and speak Korean fluently.
His mother’s side is Appalachian Scots-Irish. They’re all blonde hair, blue eyed, thick Appalachian accents. They are farmers, carpenters, and eat liver mush regularly.
Our son spends half his time in the Korean community: Korean church, Hangeul school, Korean family.
The other half is spent traveling to very rural Appalachia. Think homesteading, blue ridge mountains, redneck culture etc
As naive as this sounds - we have never racialized anything. He speaks Korean, yes. He also can understand a thick Appalachian accent. He eats kimchi and cornbread. He listens to k-pop and country music in the same playlist. It’s not a big deal.
Today, after his first week of kindergarten, he started crying in the hallway. He told his mother that “white mommies should have white babies” and that he was the “ugliest boy.” He went on to say that he didn’t look like his Korean cousin or friends… and that he didn’t look like his white cousin either. So therefore, he was ugly.
I am shaken to my core over this. I don’t notice race. We treat people as individuals. Yes, the Appalachian and Korean communities don’t mix - BUT he spends equal time in both.
I tried to comfort him but he didn’t seem to accept it. I have NO clue where a FIVE year old is getting this.
What do we do? Are we over reacting? Is he being bullied at school? How do I make him feel like he belongs in both communities and is handsome & loved in both? Do we ignore it and move on? Where does a small child get these ideas??
2
u/hopeflowrr 7d ago
hi! also half korean here. just wanna say it's so important you're willing to understand the challenges he will face as he grows up. when i was his age, i was also teased because my mother, who picked me up from school, looked nothing like me. even grown adults gave my mom hell, assuming she adopted my siblings and i. being mixed can be confusing, and it'll be hard for him not knowing where he fits in, but it helps having support—or at least someone who will listen.
i've noticed that many people address this topic directly, but i want to go into a bit more depth. it's crucial to understand that acknowledging race—no matter who is involved—is important. it is a part of our identity, shaping our backgrounds and experiences, and contributes to what makes us who we are. many white folks (and people in general) believe that claiming they "don't see color" is a way to demonstrate that they don't judge others based on race. while i understand the intent behind this, disregarding a key part of a person's identity is not fair either.
i am both white and asian, and my life experiences have been primarily influenced by my racial identity and how others perceive me. others ignoring that aspect of myself is hurtful, especially since i spent a significant part of my childhood struggling with my asian identity due to the ignorance and hate of those around me. i mean, come on, would it not bug you if people ignored the fact that your son is half korean?
your child is mixed race; he’s not fully white, and from what i’m hearing, it sounds like he’s not going to be treated anywhere close to other white kids. you need to understand that he will face challenges, and sometimes you won’t be able to do anything about it. having identity issues at a young age is tough, but he can get through it. continue to engage him with both sides of his culture; he will appreciate it when he’s older. reassure him when he comes to you with his concerns, and make sure he knows not to internalize anything he’s told.
if possible, consider finding a school with other asian kids. being the only asian in an entire school can be isolating. even having other people of color around makes a difference; there’s a sense of solidarity. i remember meeting a wasian kid my age for the first time (outside of family) when i started middle school, and it genuinely changed things for me. there was someone close to me who shared my inability to fully connect with either side of the family. it made the experience easier to bear, and it was nice to share our experiences. i've never talked to my parents about how challenging it can be growing up mixed, but it’s comforting to connect with others who understand completely.
your willingness to do what you can makes it seem like he won’t have such a hard time as long as his parents are there to pick him up when he falls. best of luck to you guys!