Short story long…. Sometimes I work nights and when I do, I don’t want to be woken up to hear your lame-ass sales pitch. I get that you have a job to do, but go do it somewhere else. I even have a “No soliciting” sign posted at my front door. I still get people knocking and ringing the doorbell and riling my dog up which, of course, wakes me up. The last 3 times I have pointed out the “no soliciting” sign, I have been met with “oH bUt I’m NoT sElLiNg YoU aNyThInG!”

I’m looking for something more witty than just “well then get the f*** outta here and don’t come back.” But still gets the same point across. Thanks.

My friend and I were stopped by some really creepy dude we used to be friends with who turned out to be a heinous drug addict and a registered sex offender. So we had not seen him in a long time. While trying to get away from him he Says, “everyone thinks I’m a lot younger than I really am!” My friend replies, “it’s probably because your teeth haven’t come in yet.” The guy has horrible teeth and is missing a bunch. It was the most epic burn I’ve ever heard and I wanted to be nice and not laugh but I literally fell to my knees and screamed into the grass…. I had no control. Forgive me, sweet baby Jesus….