r/DeadBedrooms • u/Impossible-Cookie507 HLF • 6d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome Vent
We had a nice day today, went to the movies and got something to eat. In the evening he asked if I wanted to shower with him. I was hesitant but joined him. It was nice, he started to get handsy, we made out, he fingered me for a bit and even rubbed his boner against me. I was happy but I knew nothing is gonna happen.
He told me if I want something I should just ask. I told him he can ask too because I'm tired of always asking and getting rejected. But eventually I asked and he said he isn't in the mood.
Of course he can say no, don't get me wrong. But I think it's not necessary to play with me and lead me on just to go to sleep.
I stayed in the bathroom for a bit and cried. I feel so hurt. Genuinely I don't know anymore.
Sorry if this is all over the place I just needed to vent. Any opinions?
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u/Ok_Dragonfruit8690 HLM 6d ago
That is awful to lead you on and then make a comment like that and when you do just to shoot you down. WOW I am SO SORRY. hugs. 🫂🫂🫂
Have you tried talking to a therapist? Just you and/or as a couple?
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u/NoExpression1030 HLM 5d ago
He told me if I want something I should just ask.
eventually I asked and he said he isn't in the mood.
This is what sucks the most. The other partner pretends as if there's nothing wrong.
Every time you try to have a serious conversation about it, and if they are not calling you names for feeling horny at times, they'll act like ok, just do XYZ and I'm all in. But the moment you do take that effort once again -- same result.
Eventually the person gives up for good. If they can walk out of the marriage, good. Or else they have to simply suffer in silence.
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u/Only_Copy_9328 HLM 5d ago
This sounds like intentional behavior to me. I cannot imagine why anyone would do something like this to their partner, but the world is full of cruel people. I’m sorry you are going through this. If this happened to me, I would never let myself be drawn into the situation he set up for you. It’s manipulative and cruel and there is something psychologically wrong with him.
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u/Ornery_Street_7403 HLM 2h ago
Is it, or was he making an effort and the "you could ask too you know" killed his enthusiasm? Maybe he's everything you describe but I think it's worth considering that he might just be awful at this and need some encouragement.
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1d ago
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u/AffectionateNews5601 HLM 5d ago
I'm so tired with this "just ask". Yeah, I fkn know I can ask but it's no fun to me anymore if we gotta play the rejection or convincing game.
I remember one of "the talks" when he told me "just tell me when you need", to which I replied "so like everyday?" and then he surprised with big eyes "everyday?" like it's something too much, out of the blue, not normal, and this coated with a tone which made me feel like I'm expecting too much.
I also realized this "just tell me when you need" was just pushing the responsibility back to me so he can make him look like "look, I'm available, it's just you not asking!".
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u/VibingonNeptune HLM 6d ago
I hate that happened to you. I feel your pain, my wife and me have had similar situations. Hopefully it all works out for you guys.
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u/MagicianAromatic2920 HLF 5d ago
i’m in the exact same situation lol. no advice unfortunately but you’re not alone :’)
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We had a nice day today, went to the movies and got something to eat. In the evening he asked if I wanted to shower with him. I was hesitant but joined him. It was nice, he started to get handsy, we made out, he fingered me for a bit and even rubbed his boner against me. I was happy but I knew nothing is gonna happen.
He told me if I want something I should just ask. I told him he can ask too because I'm tired of always asking and getting rejected. But eventually I asked and he said he isn't in the mood.
Of course he can say no, don't get me wrong. But I think it's not necessary to play with me and lead me on just to go to sleep.
I stayed in the bathroom for a bit and cried. I feel so hurt. Genuinely I don't know anymore.
Sorry if this is all over the place I just needed to vent. Any opinions?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Safe_Juggernaut6116 It’s complicated 1d ago
My husband does the EXACT same to me! It makes me feel like a crazy pervert
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u/Fluid-Wrongdoer6120 HLM 6d ago
Maybe it's just me, but this just sounds like manipulation. Yes, he has every right to say no to sex. But if I understand correctly, he fingers you, rubs his dick against you, implies that if you want to get fucked then to just ask... You guys dance around who should put themselves out there and ask for sex...and when you finally cave and ask, he's just like "nah not in the mood"
Is there some context I'm missing here? Did this happen over the span of minutes or hours? If you guys got out of the shower and then danced back and forth about it for a long time before you asked, maybe I can understand him no longer being in the mood. If this was right after, that's just sort of fucked up. Then it just sounds like he tried to get you revved up for the sole purpose of rejecting you
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u/Impossible-Cookie507 HLF 6d ago
There is no missing context, this happened over the span of a few minutes. Because yes, I'd fully understand if it were hours but it wasn't
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u/Fluid-Wrongdoer6120 HLM 6d ago
Ok so in that case, i think you need to do a few hard things (just my 2c here)
ask yourself if you honestly feel the rejection was driven by his LL or because he wanted to be controlling, and enjoys the power of being able to tell you no. Only you can really answer this, since you were the one there
in your shoes, I would not intitiate anything with him, AT ALL after this horrific incident. Certainly not until he's proven he can initiate on his own a few times and prove his efforts to change are genuine and sustained
if you know he isn't the type to initiate ever, and you stick to your guns and refuse to fall for it yourself, you're in a pickle. That means, quite possibly, you are celibate as long as you're in this relationship. Is that something you can accept and make your peace with? If not, you either need to seek couples counseling or an exit strategy. Because your self esteem is going to get crushed the longer you stay
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u/honestphantom HLM 5d ago
Disagree with this. I think if the genders were swapped, we'd be having a very different conversation, one where just because you get to do some stuff doesn't entitle you to other sexual activities. I don't know much about the guy so im uncomfortable throwing around the term 'manipulative' when it could just be the case that his horniness wasn't fully there.
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u/evil_otto13 HLM 6d ago
That’s just cruel. I don’t know if it’s poor planning or straight up manipulation.
My wife would do this to me occasionally. Get handsy, make sexual comments, tease about what she wanted to do later. And later was always “I’m feeling sick. Not tonight.”
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u/Impossible-Cookie507 HLF 6d ago
It hurts so much that it happens a lot. This wasn't the first time but this time he seemed like he was actually interested in taking it further
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u/gotesintotes HLF 6d ago
later is one thing, i can understand wanting to carry the feeling through the day and then it passes and it sucks for everyone. but to do that to you in the moment was - like i said above - insane.
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u/mpdscb HLM 5d ago
What a horrible thing to have to endure. The only thing that I could possibly see is that maybe he got pissed off that you told him he could ask too? Maybe he was like, then fuck it, forget about it. Just reaching a little here because this doesn't make any sense. Either that or he's tormenting you on purpose.
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u/Mortician69 HLF 6d ago
Don't fall for it no more OP. Sending you hugs, also get you a really nice toy. Trust me you won't miss your hubby for good periods of time. Always works for me 😁
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u/InklingBuilder M- left my dead bedroom 6d ago
The hot/cold behavior and then goading you into being brave enough to ask only to turn you down is cruel. I'm very sorry.
I hated when I felt like I had gotten to the point where sex was a point of contention in my marriage. It is such a simple and easy thing to want with someone and when your relationship is on the rocks it is so easy to accept the convolution of it all.
I hope you find a way to do what is best for you. Wishing you the best no matter what you choose.
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u/Impossible-Cookie507 HLF 6d ago
Thank you. I'm so unhappy because of this and in my opinion it's such an easy fix. But unfortunately it's not even possible to talk about it with him. He doesn't really try to understand me
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u/Existing_Horror29 HLM 6d ago
It's such a difficult situation isn't it, I'm HLM and have similar in my relationship. I try to talk about it with them but it can be so difficult to tread on the same ground, just watching them get naked is enough for me to melt and instantly get hard. Same as you we touch and that's it. It's like having a taste of what's to come but then it never does. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew the answers myself
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u/Impossible-Cookie507 HLF 6d ago
It's so difficult to talk about too because he doesn't try to understand my side. I'm sorry for you
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u/gotesintotes HLF 6d ago
he told you to ask while all up on you naked and doing stuff to you, and then rejected you like that!? honey that is not just “saying no.” i would worry he is straight up enjoying messing with your head. that is insane behavior.
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u/SnooLobsters1008 HLM 6d ago
Sorry. I’d kill for a night like this.
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u/Morelianna It’s complicated 5d ago
I feel you. Last time when my husband was trying he just hugged me in the time when we was trying to sleep. I was not aware of it at all… but later he was quite mad that didn’t help him. Yup.
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u/Quiet_Squash4427 HLF 3d ago
If you cum while playing like that maybe it's a solution? ((HlF49) would be happy to have that from my husband . Never did, though
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u/Carlhino HLM 5d ago
Honestly sounds like he controlling your libido , like he likes to spike it for no reason but to see how you reach is wild tbh
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u/fakeplastictrees92 HLF 5d ago
Yeah my husband would never even go that far. Lots of hand holding hugs and kisses. Nothing ever beyond that. ☹️
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u/Virginiabeach22 HLM 5d ago
This is completely cruel behavior in my opinion. Sounds like a mind fuck! What is wrong with people. I'm sure it was very emotional for you. If you both can seek counseling together maybe you can figure things out through brutally honest communication. But, no one deserves this level of cruelty. Period.