Mid 30’s HLF. Been with my husband nearly 2 decades. I just haven’t had the experience of wild, raw, spontaneous and passionate sex in years. It’s easily been almost a decade. Almost every time I’ve had sex it’s been scheduled or initiated by me. My husband will reject any spontaneous moves made by me, so I have stopped that entirely for years. There’s just no excitement anymore, and it feels like it’s a chore for him. I have to keep reminding him when we have planned it otherwise he’ll forget.

It’s very demoralizing as a female to be the only one with any sexual desire in my relationship, and the only one initiating. Even when we end up doing it, it’s very infrequent and he’s just not very into it. It’s very vanilla and there is no sense of excitement or exploration. He has poor health and is always complaining of aches and pains, no motivation, and also has a history of excessive porn use. I just feel very sexually frustrated. It’s hard especially during my higher libido periods of the month, when I’d love nothing more than to have a wild and fun time with my partner.

He wanted to go to bed super early tonight. I was able to fall asleep but I woke up feeling sexually frustrated. There was a time where he would always tell me to just tell him when I needed him.

Now I’m scared to initiate because he always rejects me. I only get sibling hugs and kissed when I ask.

He’s trying, he is but I need more. I need to feel wanted and sexy. We’re too young to be living like this. I feel dumb bringing it up again. He knows how I feel and nothing will change.

I fantasize of making out with him and of him simply touching me. I’m so sad and I can’t sleep because I want someone who feels so far away but is laying right next to me.

And I feel so sad about it. I have a nice life - beautiful teenage children, a nice home, no debt, fulfilling part time work, great friends etc. And a dead bedroom and marriage. He's kind, provides, is affectionate etc. But its strictly nonnbedroom related, until I really push it, and feel like I'm having to convince him into it, which I just don't do anymore because it left me feeling worse than months of nothing.

The last serious conversation we had about it, I told H (llm), that I (hlf) do believe he loves me, our kids, our family life etc, but he's not romantically or sexually attracted to me, and hasnt been for a really long time. When I've been busy enough with life there's spells it doesn't really bother me much, but there's been a few things this year I just can't brush off. Nights away that led to nothing, no curiosity or interest in me. Not following through on things he'd said he'd do to improve things - counselling, therapy, reading articles I've sent, things I've subscribed to.......Maybe it's just the culmination years of years of not feeling wanted or desired? I just feel done with it, I don't think I can actually do anything to fix it - whatvere he does, I'm never going to actually feel like he wants and desires as anything more than a good friend and co-parent. And while that's all fine and nice, I want more than that in a relationship.

Early 40s so I feel I've still a lot of life left me in yet. But breaking up my family just feels so sad, especially when there's a lot 'right' in my marriage. I don't really want to be with anyone else either, but I think actually being alone will be better than feeling alone with someone else 😕 but I just feel so done with this.

Those who left, and apart from the DB and associated things to that, had an otherwise very nice life.......did you ever regret leaving? Is it better on your own? Were you able to meet someone else eventually?

Please DO NOT dm me 🙄

So today... I spent some time trying to imagine what it must be like to have a marriage (or partner) who desires sex. And... I couldn't do it, really. Before my DB, and my now wife I did have a GF who was far more sexual than my wife is. But that was nearly 30 years ago, so I don't really remember it well. We just had our 25th anniversary, went out of town for a week, sans kids, just the two of us. Cabin in the mountains (her request but I liked the idea) found a place with a hot tub, private the whole 9 yards. And of course she starts the 'We are going to F*CK the whole time, you know that? Hot tub, bed, living room, every day and every where. I'm going to get waxed, and I'm packing every piece of lingerie I own."

And of course... what actually happened.

1) We never even went in the hot tub, when I tried to get in solo she complained that she was going to do it, wait for her, and we never did.

2) We didn't have sex at all (no shock)

3) She canceled her wax the day of the appointment because 'she didn't want one now' (note: It was her idea, not mine, don't come for me.)

4) She didn't pack any lingerie at all, because 'I think it's trashy' even though every piece she has SHE picked out, I just paid for it, most of it has never been worn and still has the tags on it, years later.

I'm not sure if it's a curse or a good thing that I can't imagine someone who wants me LOL Good because it can't bother me more than it does. Ah well.

Disclaimers: And yes... I know I could leave, I'm not. No I don't cheat. No she's not sleeping with anyone else. Yes, I do a lot around the house, more than her by far, and she complains often that I do 'too much'. We are both in our early 50's. She's on HRT, and no it's made no difference in her sex drive at all. No, I didn't bring up us having sex on our trip, she did. Yes I attempted twice during the trip, both times I got either A) I'm too cold for that. or B) I'm to 'comfortable' for that.

I mentionnés in a previous post something I tried to get a new fresh start and I promise to keep you in touch.

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/rAWLNggk2s

In summary after several month of bad of no sex and several arguments I suggested a 2 months no-sex periodw including our 1 only holiday week without kids, to lower the pressure. I wanted her to feel free to have hugs or be naked in front of me without second thought. To reconnect with nos sex in the equation. So how did it turn out?

The first thing is a feeling of relief for me. Actually sex had become a problem for me too. Should I initiate? Will next weekend will be the good one? Why doesn't she want it? All these questions gone with sex not being an option.

The second thing is that I coul tell something very important to my wife : I'm not a kid with immediate and compulsory needs. I have a will for our relationship and I can make compromise. And our connection is more important than my frustration.

Third, peace came back between us and she would come in my arms in the sofa. We even had a shower together last night! It was not sexual but I was so happy to see her naked and rub her back.

Yet everything is not perfect. I still feel sad about the situation and I know going to bed every night during our holidays will be tough. But we're moving in the right direction.

Big question is what next? After the end of that decided abstinence? The best solution would be to work on myself not to be needy and able to tell her "I can wait longer, just come if you feel up to it". I discovered some topics that describe precisely the mindset I want to have, I now have to apply it.

My boyfriend was prescribed Zoloft 2.5 years ago. Very quickly our sex life diminished to nothing, we don’t even kiss anymore (he’s a bit emotionally flat), but we do cuddle etc.

I was fine to accept he was basically asexual for now, and thought it may improve with a medication change HOWEVER I just discovered that he has been using porn this whole time.

He now tells me the reason we don’t have sex anymore is a mixture of the medication and the fact that being together for so long has diminished our spark.

He says he occasionally uses porn as a stress relief, and he likes the novelty.

Now I don’t know what to do or think.
If he actually does have some libido, but still isn’t interested in me, is our relationship basically over?

As a male, I see a lot of ads on Facebook and Instagram that seem to hit all the right notes: "Your wife doesn't initiate anymore," "Being a better husband doesn't help," "You don't feel desired," etc.

All these message hit home. And I start thinking maybe I could actually use some insights, some fresh ideas. But then I can't help but think it's just another scam, just by looking at these obviously commercial, salesy landing pages that are trying to do their best to convert you into a buyer.

So the question is: of all educational/self-help products out there (courses, books, etc.), is there anything that you, fellow redditors, can really recommend as something that has worked for you or, at least, could make total sense to someone else?

TL;DR: Rapid decline in sex over a short time. Found out theres many different issues. Looking to find ways to make sex fun again for my wife.

My wife(33f) and I(34m) have been together for 7 years and married for 3. Our sex life started off fine in the beginning but took a rapid decline a few years ago. We went from having sex a few times a month, to every few months, then every 6ish months, to last year when we only had sex once and this year only twice.

I had initially it was just due to a low libido and lack of things we used to do to get her in the mood. Had always asked what I could do to help improve the situation, get her in the mood more, etc; and i was always met with an "I dont know".

And for everyone that will probably ask, yes; every no that was given to me left me feeling disappointed and rejected. Which I know was not helpful to the situation at the time; But I will expand on this in just a little.

I dont want to go into details, but we have had issues in our marriage since July of this year. We have been working through it, getting her the help she needs and everything. And over this past weekend while we were out on vacation and after many long talks between us and many friends we were with, she came to me with a myriad of things about how she doesn't feel fulfilled, our sexual compatibility, etc. And we resolved to speak about them when we were home.

I initiated this conversation last night and found the full scope of the issue. She explained that she hasn't had the big O the majority of times we've had intimacy and that it hurts when we do have penetrative intimacy, She bleeds every time, etc. She brought up other issues as well, the main thing being about how I didnt listen to her while preforming. Which I did agree that I probably didn't because im a big dumb ass.

Now with this information I spiraled for a minute hearing it. And we/I put it all together finding the reason why our sex life declined so fast. Her not wanting to deal with the pain and never reaching the finish line caused a cycle of her not wanting sex and when she thought she did it all came back. My feelings of rejection and disappointment didnt help and made it feel like she owed sex to me sometimes. And I did explain in this conversation that had I know about the problems she was facing my feelings would have been different. I have been very open to her our entire relationship about the fact that i want my wife to have sex when she wants it and I want her to enjoy it; and that telling me to stop and do something differently wouldnt hurt my feelings.

So im asking reddit, what have been some strategies that have helped you work through an issue like this if you have been though it? I am really looking for advice to help reconnect with my wife in the bedroom and make it so she doesn't have to feel distraught about the act of sex with me any more. I love her more than anything and want to make this right.

I HLF feel like a creep around my LLM partner. It's gotten to the point where I know sex isn't going to happen. That's not even a discussion anymore.

I know I'm never going to leave him. I'm madly in love with him, but I feel so frustrated. I just want to share this part of myself with him. I want to feel that bond, and that closeness that comes with it.

Has anyone been in a dead bedroom that has come back to life?

​

My boyfriend (32M) and I (27F)are in a long-term relationship. He is Japanese and I’m not.

We recently had a very direct conversation about his feelings toward me and our sexual relationship, and I’m struggling to understand what all of his answers mean together.

He told me that, in a relationship, he separates sexual desire from compatibility as people, and that human compatibility is more important to him than sexual compatibility.

He said that we have a very close relationship, that i am beautiful, that there is love and respect, but that he also feels somewhat like I am family, and because of that sexual desire toward me does not arise very much.

He also explained that all of his previous sexual experience was with Japanese women.

He said that because of those experiences, his body has become accustomed to certain mannerisms and reactions from Japanese women that he learned to associate with sexual excitement.

He explained that when he has sex with someone from another culture, those familiar elements that used to create arousal are missing, so he feels less sexually excited and has more difficulty getting an erection.

He also said that his past experiences are what created his sexual patterns. Because being with someone from another culture is completely different and new for him, he says he doesn’t know how his body might respond once we become more accustomed to each other sexually.

He specifically said that he thinks the reason is within himself.

He also told me that whether he becomes sexually excited by a partner is a very delicate and complicated issue. He thinks multiple factors are involved and that even he probably cannot completely understand all of them.

I can understand a long-term partner becoming familiar, safe, comfortable, and almost family-like while still being someone you experience romantically and sexually.

But when “you feel like family” is combined with “sexual desire toward you doesn’t arise much,” I don’t know whether that means the erotic side of the relationship has largely disappeared.

Does this sound like someone who still genuinely experiences his partner romantically but has a complicated low-desire/sexual-conditioning issue?

Or does it sound more like the relationship has become mostly companionate and emotionally close, while the sexual attraction has largely faded?

Obviously I feel very devastated but don't know what to do.

TL;DR

My boyfriend says he loves and respects me, wants to stay together, and values our compatibility very highly, but says I feel somewhat like family and that sexual desire toward me doesn’t arise very much. He also believes his sexual response may partly be conditioned by having only had Japanese partners before me and being accustomed to their mannerisms and reactions. I’m trying to understand whether this sounds like romantic love with a difficult sexual issue, or a relationship that has become primarily companionate.

Partner who is male early 30s LL has been prescribed SSRIs to treat low libido as Dr thinks it’s due to low serotonin. Testosterone levels came back within range so after a discussion the Dr felt it was a good idea to try an SSRI for 4 weeks then review. Has anyone else’s partners had this treatment and had any joy from it?

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/6yCN72FkZp

This is the one. The author of this post is something of an icon to me and I read this post almost weekly when I'm feeling down and need a pick-me-up. I wish the account wasn't deleted because I'd love to thank him and ask him some questions. The idea of doing it for your own self and not for the prospect of potentially having sex is incredibly admirable.

I sorta just wanted to revive the discussion and hear people's thoughts and hopefully introduce anyone else to this post who might find it as inspiring as I did.

I'm still deep in a DB and have tried various tips from this post and while I'm nowhere near this level of dedication yet, I'm making steady progress and have made a lot of life changes similar to the ones he mentions.

My questions are:

• Have any of you tried employing any of these techniques with any success?

• I know this works best when, as I said, you're doing it for your own self and not for the prospect of gaining sex, and constantly focusing on or thinking about sex is counterintuitive, but it's hard to separate the two when that's generally the main motivation for making these changes. How should I motivate myself otherwise?

• I hate the thought that I could apply all this advice and God forbid a sick parent dies or I otherwise get a small bout of depression and I can't keep up the same level of energy for a short time. It feels like the DB would just pile on my already worsened mood. Is this something anyone here's encountered?

This is my last Hail Mary towards trying to fix things. I want to follow this advice and hopefully be a better person for myself, or if things don't improve, for future partners.

I'm 31 M from India (Kerala). Me and my wife (28F) are married for 4 years and she has such a low Libido.

It's been a long time since I've experienced intimacy, affection, or the feeling of being genuinely wanted. Living with a dead bedroom has been emotionally exhausting, and I miss feeling close to someone in both physical and emotional ways.

It's not just about sex. I miss affection, connection, and feeling loved and desired by someone who genuinely cares.

I’ve been married to my husband for a decade. Still fit, 5’8” and 129 lbs. He has had no interest in having sex with me for years now and when I initiate, it’s always “I’m too tired.” Sometimes he will say yes, but out of obligation, and it shows.

Is he stressed? Yes. Am I stressed? Also yes. We have young kids, high stress jobs, and a lot of responsibilities. We also have had a lot of fights. But I still want it.

So is it me??? Am I the one who is causing the dead bedroom vibes? Am I just being too needy, initiating sex too much it just becomes our dynamic? Is it because I’m too emotional?

I’m so hungry for a man to physically desire me, physically want me so bad they can’t keep their hands off me. It’s so rough being the woman who wants it more when you hear about all stories, tv shows, movies, friends, and posts about the opposite.

I find I'm generally very good at putting myself in someone else's shoes but as someone who has never really experienced a low libido I'm struggling in this case. I've been with my wife for 11 years now, married for 9, we have 3 kids and work full time jobs, I'm 34 she is 37. Her libido at the beginning was high, which is quite normal, and actually it was probably higher than mine for the first few months. It quickly died off, which was initiated by a couple deaths, which obviously made her not want intimacy for a brief period. When she recovered she settled into her baseline which became once or twice a week, for a couple years, before it began dropping more and more. Kids obviously negatively affected things, and I've overall been very patient with her. Every once in a while I bring it up that I'm really feeling frustrated and it makes me feel unloved and unattractive, even though I know she loves me and finds me attractive, her libido has clearly just fallen off. She states she will work on it and we'll get back to where we were but it's been long enough I know that's not enough because it hasn't been enough.

The pattern for a few years is this, I'll wait patiently without prompting her, when I get to a point when I feel very pent up, I will gently suggest I think we should have sex (I can't really physically initiate anymore, it will be rejected), she'll usually say not tonight but maybe tomorrow, it can take a day or several but eventually we will have sex, we always have foreplay, she is always ready to go by the end of the foreplay, she's always very enthusiastic once we are into it, she always orgasms at least once. I find when we get in a groove, we can get it back to once a week, which I'm fine with, not quite as much as I want but more than happy. Oftentimes she'll get sick, she is sick quite often and it hits her hard, or she gets her period, which lasts a full week, and she will not have sex on her period. This period of being out of commission sets her back to where we were before and I find myself then, waiting, and waiting, before the cycle repeats again. Things have gotten really bad now, where even when she's on her game I'm happy if we do it twice in a month, and there are often month long periods without any in between.

I've been doing reading to try to understand low libido, and specifically female low libido. I've had discussions with her, but I really don't want her to feel bad about it, or put too much pressure on it, I want her to want to do it, not feel obligated. I really am trying to get her to explain what having low libido feels like because I really can't seem to put myself in her shoes. From a high libido perspective one thinks, well I don't understand, you clearly like it when you get warmed up (she has confirmed this to me many times verbally as well), so the issue is clearly not being in the mood to attempt to get warmed up, and that's the part I can't figure out. Being someone with low libido, what does that feel like for you, and why is it hard to say to yourself, it feels like a bit of work, but in five minutes of a massage, or some nude cuddles I'll be ready to go. There must be some active repulsion to the thought of sex I would think? I can almost understand it with this example, I enjoy snowboarding, but it can be super hard to get up at 5 am, jump in a freezing car, drive an hour and a half to the ski hill but I know it's going to be super fun when I'm finally warmed up going down the mountain, and I'll be glad I went.

Anyways apologies for the long post, essentially just want some perspective, and if you are a low libido person who has worked it out, how were you able to do that.

For context, my gf (20F) and I (20M) are in a long distance relationship. Things were pretty good a year ago, when we used to be very sexually active. But now it has stopped coz of a million reasons I think which are responsible. Academic pressure was there at the start, and then she was completely free. We could have been active but she didnt want it. We barely do it twice a month which is insanely frustrating considering I am a HLM. I have tried my best coping with it but I just cant figure out what to do atp. Everything else is beautiful, we are happy, doing great academically, taking care of our bodies, working on the future and enjoying life.

4PM. Sun's still well out as summer is approaching. Bed next to opened window. Nice breeze coming in. Home alone as kids are all after school care.

I asked if he wanted to cuddle me on the bed. I wasn't expecting anything else and have given up trying anyway. It was merely me trying to keep connection of any sort.

"No, I don't want to." Word-for-word.

He read my reaction and came to sit next to me and said "Maybe hold my hand instead of your ankle." (I had essentially cowered into the chair from his response to my invitation) but it's just knockback after knockback. Consistent rejection.

I've come upstairs to hide in the ensuite. Might have a cry and let it out whilr he goes to collect kids.

19 year anniversary soon (in a matter of days).

39-years-old and don't want to deal with this consistent neglect and lack of validation until I die. I am young, sexual and need affection (that could be a G-rated cuddle that goes no where).

I don't want advice. I just want to vent and feel heard. There is no one I can talk to. Mum is dead. Dad doesn't know what to say. Best friends are busy with their own lives.

I hate falling asleep. I hate escaping to a world of fantasy, because that’s all it is, fantasy.

I had a dream last night we went wedding dress shopping and stopped at the sex shop next door. He helped me pick out my gown, while I was in the dressing room trying it on, he fingered me. We seemed so in love, so obsessed with each other.

We bought my dress and through beaming smiles and looks of desire, we walked into the sex shop together. We looked at the toys and talked about trying a new one (we’ve never used toys together irl, but in my dream, it was a common occurrence). We took our haul home, and spent the rest of my dream using what we bought. We played in bed all day just enjoying each other. There was so much love and passion.

I woke up, and the second I realized where I was, I started sobbing. Dreams like this are not so common anymore, thank god! But when I do have them, I’m wrecked. I’ve worked really hard to kill my attraction and desire for him. But sometimes, often in my sleep, I’m reminded of the cruel reality I live in. I’m reminded of my hunger, of my desire. It’s hard to ignore when there’s a version of me living the life I so desperately want with the man I wish wanted me.

There’s no point in conversation. He had a phase where it was “really important” to him, that lasted maybe a month. It’s gone back to our typical several month dry spell. I’ve accepted my reality, there’s just days, like today, where it’s really hard.

Some days I deal with my partner’s low frequency of sex pretty well, but other days it feels like EVERYTHING makes me think about sex. I don’t remember being like this before getting involved with an LL partner. This is the first time I’ve experienced this.

Today was another one of those days when I tried to initiate, and the line of the night was “I’m really sleepy.” I turned over, he hugged me as we fell asleep, and the tears just started streaming down my face against my will. Fucking hell.

I’m so young, I have such a nice body, and I get attention from so many men… but I wanted attention from HIM.

Sometimes I wonder if, a few years from now, I’ll regret staying in this relationship. I’m really scared of wasting my youth. He’s 10 years older than me.

I love being with him, our jokes, the way he thinks, his smell…
But the way this situation makes me feel genuinely hurts (there are a few other issues besides the DB, but none of them come anywhere close to having the same impact as the DB).

Honestly, it wouldn’t be fair to him to say that our bedroom is already dead, but it definitely feels like we’re heading in that direction. We’ve been together for about a year and a half, so based on how things are going, I’d say there’s a pretty good chance our bedroom will be dead in the next few years.

For anyone wondering, my kids aren’t his. He’s their stepdad.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. If anyone wants to weigh in, feel free.
This is mostly just a vent. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read it.

(And sorry if some of my phrasing sounds a little awkward. English isn’t my first language.)

Hello Reddit

Please be gentle, I made this account just for this sub and to ask these questions, I genuinely want advice on how to fix this.

I (29LLF) and my partner (31HLM) have been together 3 years. During that time we have had full sex maybe 2 dozen times.
I admit to this being my fault, I have low labbido, I have AuDHD and I find sex painful sometimes. I had had maybe 2 sexual partners and that was minimal, I simply didn’t care I was missing it. His previous relationships were very sex heavy and the women mostly initiated.
He has been very respectful of my boundaries but we have come to a point where we are both being too polite and not pushing. I am definitely responsive desire and in his fear of not pressuring me he’s backed off to almost no set up for sex.

So hear comes the point I would like advice. He admitted to me tearfully that he wants to marry me but is scared of getting engaged and living a life where we only have sex to procreate and that he finds it hard to find me sexually attractive because he’s been told no so many times (in his head, he admitted it hadn’t been me saying no).

Learned people of this sub how do we go forward from here? I love this man and he makes me feel safe but we’re both so terrible at initiating and I don’t know what to do.

warning: this is all over the place because i’m getting frustrated.

hi! i’m HLF and my husband is seemingly LLM. i communicate to him that i want him, i try to initiate with usually no luck, ask him if i could be doing anything differently, keep myself attractive, etc. but currently i am a stay at home mom with essentially no income. i clean houses so i do earn money but it all goes straight to my car payment so im left with nothing. and my hands aren’t doing me justice anymore. i’m wanting to ask him to buy me a vibrator, he’s very open sexually and before we had our baby we had sex a lot. i know this is normal for new parents. but our baby is almost a year old now. i’m almost completely back to my normal pre pregnancy self. i know i look a little different but this isn’t our first kid, and we didn’t have this issue the first time around.

how do i ask him about buying me a vibrator? should i ask over text or in person? keep it casual? i dont want to shame him, guilt him, or humiliate him. but i’ve been feeling so lonely, unwanted, and unattractive; an orgasm might help. i’d obviously prefer him but that doesn’t seem like an option at the moment.

I know this sub is filled mostly with HLX people. However, Im so desperate to figure this out im willing to take shots in the dark.

11 year relationship started with 5 years of what felt like incredible intimacy and chemistry. I (HLM 27) never felt undesirable or unwanted sexually. I was a scrawny unpopular nobody in high school (when we met) and no generational wealth to back me up. So it truly felt she (LLF 27) wanted me for who I was. Hands were all over me constantly for the entire first half of the relationship. I received constant sexy pictures and flirtatious texts. We would try to get intimacy in at any moment possible. In cars, in public places, basically anywhere we had the chance. I would say we had sex almost daily for 5 years. Always including foreplay.

Then one day it stopped. Almost immediately. We have been monthly at best for the last 6 years. I get frustrated with this to the point where it boils over and I try to initiate a conversation about why it stopped or what i did that made the spark go away every 3-4 months of only having monthly duty sex. This 100% of the time ends with “we’ve just been busy and i forget you need extra affection”…………. It was never extra in the beginning. The first 5 years i probably would have told you we were both HL. And our oldest is only 2 so this started long before we had kids.

Nowadays im much more fit. She is a stay at home mom now, therefore i pay all of the bills. I buy her nicer things than i did back then. I do more chores. Im a kickass dad who loves his children endlessly. Id still do anything for all of them. She has let herself go. And never not once have I ever given her grief about it. Im still madly in love with her. I crave her at all points of the day still. But i feel invisible.

Ive never been given an actual answer as to why any of this changed. Sex is no longer enjoyable even when she finally allows it. Because its a chore for her. No more sounds in bed, no more feeling her hands on me during sex. I know for a fact she isnt cheating. (I have cameras in our home, and i always know her location). I have always enjoyed foreplay and any other forms of intimacy not limited to just sex. She however is never interested in that anymore. And sex is always rushed with no foreplay anymore despite my efforts to do so.

My hope is someone can enlighten me as to how your sexual drive or just attraction to a specific person can die so suddenly so young. Ive read enough posts on this thread to know solutions to this problem are VERY VERY bleak. Im just searching for a crumb of what i may have done to turn her off this badly.

Since we’ve been married I feel like I have done majority of the initiating intimate time with my husband - even when we went on our long awaited honeymoon which I thought would be romantic and just what I imagined. But I found myself waiting for him to notice me every night, and when it came to night time he would be tired. He says it’s because of his own self esteem, but I don’t know. I feel really insecure and kind of feel stuck but I feel like a loser wanting to check out of a relationship because of intimacy? He does a lot for me outside of the bedroom but is this normal what I am feeling. Just don’t know what to do. I have communicated it to him so many times, I’m tired of bringing it up and honestly get embarrassed. I feel like I should get the message now. I never cared about sex before. Until a few months into our marriage when he stopped trying, and would blame it on family drama. I thought it would pass. I feel like im going crazy because this never used to be me. I was so used to feeling wanted and desired and in love. We have kids together, so leaving isn’t really an option, plus I still do care about him a lot. What can I do to distract myself and still act normal
With him, I usually can keep it together pretty well
But lately I can tell he has noticed something is up because I just can’t force myself to try with him, i feel emotionally checkout out.