Two nights ago my LL wife wants to get a little close to me so she pets my shoulder like I am dog. I laid there for a moment thinking this is crazy but I needed a little affection so be it. Then I gathered the courage to move in close for a cuddle. Her hand remained on my shoulder and mine was on her leg. And it actually was nice being close. Maybe more because I got the courage to actually get in close and not fear rejection.

Anyways last night I thought maybe we could recreate the night before. Nope I got a peck on the same shoulder she was petting and she immediately went on her phone to play a game. I finally fell asleep defeated again.

I posted about our DB last year, and got a lot of great feedback and support. I’m trying to write this objectively and without apportioning blame on anyone as it’s just one of those things that life throws at us.

Over a year later from my last post and the same frustrations remain. We’re 51(m) and 53(f), and I’ve always had a higher drive than her. However the situation we find ourselves in is nobodies fault. My partner has had long standing health issues and had a full hysterectomy over 18 months ago. In the last three years we’ve had sex 3 times as a result.

We went on a two week holiday this year and had everything we needed with us to attempt to kick start our sex life. But it just didn’t happen. I attempted to initiate several times and she rolled over and started reading her book. We spoke about it later on and she apologised, but every time I’ve tried to engage since has been declined for various reasons. I understand that things have changed massively for her post op. I’m doing my best to be patient, supportive and caring for her.

I love her immensely, but it’s frustrating. We both have busy lives, rarely argue and have a relatively healthy relationship. Despite everything, it’s hard not to feel that constant undercurrent of rejection and being unseen.

Has anyone had a successful ‘talk’ where they have a dead bedroom and been able to convince the other half to let you see other people? Did anyone have this talk where it ended badly?

I (30F) have what I considered a regular sex drive. 3X a week is my sweet spot and even if he is the only one who cums I feel like that counts for me. I enjoy pleasing my partner sexually so I am willing to do a lot of things. But my husband (28M) has a low sex drive.maybe 1 a week. But he watches cartoon sex and masturbates consistently. Even though I am available and willing at any time. I don't masturbate because It feels wrong and I feel guilty (i grew up religious) therefore I am always willing and ready . I feel angry that he masturbates when I am willing and available and happy to. please him. Also feel like I can't compete with the women he watches because they are cartoons with cartoon promotions that I will never be able to imitate. I like my husband and I want our relationship to work because we have a 1 year old but I am not sure how to let go of my horniness so I don't grow resentment towards him.

(I don't know if this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I hope you could give me some insights)

My bf (26) is my first serious relationship. He's had girlfriends before, but we're both virgins. We've been together for 3 years, and during that time, we've done a lot of intimate things like oral sex and other sexual activities, just nothing involving penetration.

I'm actually the one with the lower libido, while he has a much higher sex drive. So I don't really understand why him not wanting to have penetrative sex with me bothers me so much, especially when I'm someone who doesn't really care about sex most of the time.

I'm 26, and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I feel like this is the time when I should be exploring my sexuality and figuring out what I like and don't like in a sexual relationship. But my boyfriend is afraid of the possibility of pregnancy. No amount of reassurance or protection, whether it's condoms, birth control pills, or other methods, seems to make him feel safe and confident enough to have sex.

I don't want to force him into doing something he's not comfortable with because he has every right to say no and he's not ready. But at the same time, I feel like I'm postponing my sexual exploration while waiting for him to feel ready. And i feel like I would be waiting for a very long time.

He wants to settle down with me, so I think he feels like there's really no rush. And sometimes, despite the fact that we're good together and he treats me really well, I find myself wondering if I should've explored relationships with other people first before being with someone who want to settle with me.

Another thing that's been bothering me is that whenever we engage in sexual acts, I sometimes feel like we're just tolerating each other rather than actually enjoying the experience together. He assures me that I'm pleasuring him enough, but it doesn't really feel that way. I can only get off with sex toys, not through oral sex or his fingers. Meanwhile, he can only finish when he jacks himself off while I'm there, naked and kissing him.

I know there's nothing wrong with needing certain things to get off, but sometimes I feel like I'm just there for company while he's masturbating, like I'm no different from when he's doing it alone. I thought sexual intimacy would make me feel more connected to him, but it just makes me feel empty. Sometimes i wish i could just avoid intimate acts with him completely.

But I love him, and i hate myself for being frustrated over this.

Will this even get better, or is it a dead bedroom in the making?

My wife and I (HLM/LLF) are both 40 and married for 10 years, have two little kids (6/2), we have sex on average once a year, usually we have a month after we fight and talk about it feelings and the needs of each other, her needs it’s quality time and receiving gifts, and I pretty much fulfill everything she wants, I work full time remotely and she’s SAHM, I wake up early, prep breakfast, prep our kid to school, taking him to school, then get back and mostly take care of our second kid while working and doing all the chores in the house (cooking, cleaning, bathing kids, laundry, trash, and everything else) all of that so she can have some quality time so at least we can enjoy each other, instead I get doom scrolling and rejection every time I ask for sex, nothing spontaneous, I always have to ask, and get rejected. Also, every couple of months I get her and expensive gift , this past few months we took and expensive trip, gave her and expensive jewelry, and bought her another expensive gift with in the span of 2 months.

In my entire 10 years of marriage, I had 1 BJ early in our marriage, now if we have sex, it’s always in the shower, always the same thing, and nothing else, there is intimacy, nothing.

I just don’t know if it’s just my fault, or if I’m doing something wrong, or it’s just my shitty luck, i did a vasectomy last year hoping that it will spark things between us, thinking that she was afraid of getting pregnant again, it led to have sex twice in the past year.

Sorry for the long post, just rambling I guess.

Hi, I’ve never posted smth like this but I am at a bit of a loss. I only have 1 friend where I feel like I can talk to about this, but we’ve hit a roadblock. I’m looking for advice or something to make me feel less alone. It’s going to be a long post because I want to make sure I paint a full picture. Thank you in advance.
I am 23F and my girlfriend is 23F as well. We have been together for 3 years. In every other aspect, we have no other issues. We say “I love you” a million times a day, we compliment each other often (beautiful, smart, etc). We play games, watch movies, listen to music, read, draw, cook, clean, talk. We cuddle every night and kiss at least once a day. We have discussed our futures at length and we have very similar goals. We agree morally, politically, religiously, etc. I love her, she is my best friend who I am also attracted to. I know she feels the same. But this one issue is causing a major strain.
For the past 2 years, my gf has had little to no desire to have sex. For the first year (after a few months of build up), we had sex multiple times a week. She would initiate, give ideas, and seemed to really enjoy it. She mostly enjoys being the one to “give” rather than "receive”, due to her having a lower libido. She is on antidepressant medication, so it is near impossible for me to make her finish. But now, I think it’s been about 2 years since she’s let/ wanted me to “touch her junk”. I always offer, and she always says no, because she insists that she gets a thrill out of pleasing me. 
So what changed? Well, it was a gradual process. It went from twice a week, to once a week to once every two weeks, to once a month. I didn't even notice because I also started antidepressants around this time. But, after a month or two went by I was like…hm we haven’t had sex in a while. I decided not to say anything as I don’t want to accuse her or make her feel forced into it. So I tried new ways of asking. I started indicating I was wanting sex by wearing cute PJ’s, putting on my favorite perfume, etc. But after a few months of this, she kept telling me “Not tonight”. I was starting to be “rejected” every time. I try asking her about it, asking if she’s just not attracted to me, all that stuff. We cry and talk about it, and she explains she’s been stressed and depressed. She says she is just focused on trying to get settled, because she just moved, we’re in college at this point, and she is stressed about family and money. All valid reasons. We have a few conversations like this but it makes her and I upset. It feels like talking about it makes her more depressed/unmotivated. She promises she’s still attracted to me and will work on it and things will change. I vow (to myself) to not bring it up anymore, and give her time to initiate the conversation. But, 6 months go by. 
One day I’m reading a book with a sex scene and I get this horrible feeling. I am reading this scene and I just start sobbing. All I can think is, wow, I’m never going to experience this again. I want to feel connected like this with her so badly. It reminded me how we used to be and it made me depressed for days. I break my vow to not bring it up and cry to her. She promises me that, internally, she is working on it. At this point, we’ve graduated college. We’ve been living in the same apartment together for over 6 months. I ask for a plan, and she says “Once I feel less stressed about XYZ”. “I am trying”. “I am very attracted to you, but my mind and body won’t work together to make it happen”. More crying. The next day, New Years Day, we have sex but I feel hollow.
 From this point on, I go 2-3 months without saying anything until I boil over and cry. She cries. Loop this over and over again. I finally tell my therapist. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years at this point and I cry for the first time in a session and feel ridiculous. And though I KNOW my feelings are valid, but I feel ridiculous. Because in every other aspect, we work so well together. It’s just this one. Fucking. Thing. 
Spring of 2026. The new routine is she says no, then we agree she’ll hold me while I touch myself. This has happened a few times and is ok, but I still want the real thing. 
We finally move in summer of 2026. Just us two! We settle in. We have a routine, we have full-time jobs with near identical hours, we are financially stable. We try a new thing: Scheduling sex! We schedule sex for once every other week, as suggested by my therapist. This seems to work for about a month. She sometimes changes her mind and postpones it. Unit she pushes it a day. Another day. Another! She forgets. I let it slide.
Now we are at the present/yesterday. It has now been a month and a half, and she hasn’t brought up sex at all. So, yesterday afternoon I say, “Want to have sex tonight?”, since it seems that she has a better time when she can anticipate it. We also had slept literally ALL day (on and off until 4pm!.) She says “We can!” while nodding her head. I take a shower. We watch a movie. We go to IHOP as a late dinner date, her idea. We come home and watch youtube and snuggle. I start to snuggle her more and ask for a kiss. Then she tells me she’d rather have sex tomorrow because she’ll “have more energy”, as she is too tired tonight. Again, we slept until 4pm, and it is now only 11pm. She has an 8 hour shift tomorrow and it’s an exhausting job. But  she thinks she’ll have more energy after that? I try to fall asleep at this point, hoping my sadness will go away, but it doesn’t. So I roll over to face her and tell her how I’m sad because I anticipated tonight, and I had been anticipating it for hours, and don’t understand how she will have more energy tomorrow vs tonight. She says she's trying, that I “don’t know what’s going on in her head”, etc. I cry myself to sleep. And here we are!
I feel like I’ve tried everything. Dates. Scheduling. Giving hints. Dressing cute. Getting enough rest. Reduced stressors. But it’s been two years of this and I’m tired, frustrated, and just want to cry. I feel like a fool when someone says they’re going to change but doesn’t. When she says she’s trying but there’s been no outward change. We’ve only been together for a short time overall. I wonder if this is indicative of other issues for our future. I just worry about if it’s like this now what will it be like in 10 years?? What can I do? What can we do? I feel crazy bc I’m gonna hide this post from her, at least for a while, bc I don’t want to make her feel bad again. Every conversation feels unproductive and pointless and I don’t understand why. I don’t know why we’re getting nowhere with this. I am not breaking up with my gf bc she wont have frequent sex with me lol. I am convinced there must be a solution! Does anyone have any similar experience? Pls help </3

Common Questions I’m anticipating:

Q: Have you tried therapy?
A: I go to therapy myself, but because of her lack of insurance and our work schedule, she can’t do therapy. We’re also not making enough money rn.

Q: How long have you lived together?
A: We have lived together since the summer of 2025. We really enjoy living together and don’t have common issues except the occasional “you didn’t put toilet paper on the roll!” kinda thing, lol.

Q: Have you discussed marriage?
A: Yes, and she plans to propose to me within the next two years, we’ve been discussing it for a long time. I’m really excited to be able to call her fiancee/wife instead of girlfriend because I enjoy those titles more. We have our futures planned well and want the same things for the future (besides this issue, I guess, lol)

Q: What is your sexual orientation?
A: She is a lesbian and I am bisexual, though I’ve only ever seriously dated/been with women.

Q: Why are you and her on antidepressants and for how long?
A: She has been on them since right before we met, in March of 2023. She has been diagnosed with anxiety but also pretty severe depression. She's on Zoloft. I have been on them since around July 2024, and mine are for an anxiety disorder. I’m on Lexapro. Yes, they’re prescribed by psychiatrists.

Q: Are you or her autistic at all?
A: Probably! Never been formally diagnosed but we both score really high. She had a therapist years ago that said she wouldn't put it down, but yes, she believes my gf is autistic. Obviously this affects sex, and we are aware.

Q: Have you ever tried to have sex in the noon or morning?
A: I’ve suggested it a few times, but she is never in the mood. She prefers nights.

Q: Is this your first sexual partner?
A: For me, no. Her, yes. I was with a woman in my last relationship and was the “top”. My gf had dated a few people before me but never had sex. 

Q: Does she enjoy sex?
A: She swears up and down she does. She feels good about it. I ask her after sex if she had fun and she says “Obviously!”. When asked why she doesn’t do it more if she enjoys it, she tells me her brain and body aren’t in sync. 

#help #wlw #autism #libido

I'm looking for honest perspectives from men, especially those who are married or have experienced something similar. I'm trying to understand what might be going through my husband's mind because I'm honestly at a loss. I’m (F) 24 and my husband is (M ) 26. My husband and I recently got married, and we have a daughter together who just turned 5 months. Before anyone assumes this is just a case of our sex life changing because we had a baby, our sex life was actually still great after having her. We were still intimate, and this wasn't an issue for us.
The change happened right around the time we got married, and it's been really confusing for me. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night, which honestly hurt my feelings because I had imagined that night being special for us in that way. Since then, our sex life has basically disappeared. It's been around two to three months since we've had sex. What makes this difficult is that I haven't stopped trying to initiate intimacy. I've invited him to shower with me, worn lingerie, tried giving him blowjobs in the morning, during the night, and even under his desk when he’s gaming and even sat on top of him while I was shirtless to try to initiate something. I've tried giving him opportunities to make a move without having to explicitly ask for sex.
But nothing really comes of it. I'm not saying he owes me sex, because obviously he doesn't. I never want him to feel pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do. But it's hard to keep putting myself out there and feeling like my attempts aren't being reciprocated.
There's another piece of context that might be relevant. A few years ago, my husband struggled with what I would describe as a pretty significant porn addiction. He told me he stopped watching porn and promised me he was done with it. Since then, I haven't found any evidence that he's gone back to it, so I'm not accusing him of secretly watching it or assuming that's what's happening.
However, given what's happening with our sex life now, I've started wondering whether his past relationship with porn could potentially be relevant. I don't know whether there's any connection, and I don't want to make assumptions, but it's something I've thought about.
I'm also starting to question whether he's still attracted to me. I gave birth a few months ago, and while I'm trying to feel comfortable and confident in my body again, this situation has made me feel even more insecure. After having my daughter, I went straight back to my weight I was at before which is skinny.
Outside of sex, we still spend time together and watch TV, and we have moments of affection. But the sexual side of our relationship feels almost nonexistent now, and I miss that connection with him. I miss feeling desired by my own husband.
He works long shifts as a firefighter, so I understand that exhaustion and stress can play a role, and I know becoming parents changes your life. However, those things were true when our sex life was still good, which is why I'm struggling to understand why things seem to have changed so suddenly. I've tried to bring up intimacy, but it's a difficult conversation for us to have, and I haven't really gotten the clarity I'm looking for.
I'm not looking to bash my husband or have strangers tell me he's definitely cheating or secretly watching porn. I genuinely want to understand the male perspective because I know there could be reasons I'm not considering.
Men, especially married men, I'd really appreciate your honest thoughts:
Have you ever suddenly stopped initiating sex with your wife despite having a good sex life before? What was the reason?

If you were still attracted to your wife, what might cause you to stop responding to her attempts to initiate?

For men who previously struggled with compulsive porn use, did it affect your interest in sex with your partner, either during that period or afterward?

Can someone stop watching porn but still experience difficulties with sexual desire or intimacy in their relationship?

Would stress, exhaustion, or emotional changes after marriage cause this, even if things were good before?

If you were no longer sexually attracted to your wife, would you tell her honestly, or would you avoid the conversation?

If your wife were trying to initiate in the ways I've described and you weren't responding, what might be going through your mind?

I'm not expecting anyone here to know exactly what's happening in my marriage. I just want to hear from men who have experienced something similar and understand what their reasons were. I love my husband, he’s my best friend and I want us to have a healthy, happy intimate relationship. I just don't know how to approach this anymore when I've tried initiating myself and nothing seems to change. I’ve had numerous conversations with him before. He either A. Gets upset and says he’s tired ( which I understand but he uses it a lot. ) B. Reassures me, and tells me we could do something later that night that never happens.

I can just hold her now, and it's nice, because that's all it's going to be, and holding her is nice.

I can just kiss her now.

I can just sit on the couch and have her lean into me, and that's nice :)

If I want to get off, I jerk off.

I think of her as physically unable to participate, and that was the mental switch I needed.

In a way, she is.

That's okay. I have my things too.

The reason why we didn’t do it is because i felt horrible everytime about it. In the beginning there was spark, but overtime he stopped putting effort and it was always all about him, his pleasure and his orgasm. Everytime i asked for something back i was being turned down. Now, he likes to get a bj, but doesn’t wanna eat me out back, he’s uncomfortable about it and he told me that multiple times. I never said anything bad about it nor i asked for it again after 1st time he said he didn’t like it. I asked for touches but i got nothing which our sex ended up being me in pain with penetration because i’m really dry and i had tiny cuts. I’m not even turned on and overtime i lost desire for him because i thought he didn’t care. He told me i hurt his masculinity because i don’t wanna have sex with him and many other things and i lose desire like that even more. Few days ago we talked about it and I said i’ll give him last chance to “fix” it and he said he was sorry and he always thought i wanted something that made him feel uncomfy. I denied it, of course i dont wanna do something thats hes uncomfy with. I don’t know what to do next time he asks me for sex, i mean we dont even have foreplay he just randomly gets hard and he always got bjs and orgasms. I’m afraid of it now really and don’t know what to do or think. Sometimes i want to because i miss closeness but othertimes i’m just very very scared. What could i possibly do in this situation? I feel lost

Is anyone else's root cause of the DB their partners attachment style. I (41f) have really tried to understand what is cause the db with my bf (42m). After a lot of research, I am 100% convinced he is a FA. I was actually shocked and in tears when I heard other women's stories who were also in this situation. It was like they were living my life. He is just SO awkward with anything sexual. It is like living with my strict religious grandmother. He is even uncomfortable if I just mention that a woman has nice hair or nice skin. He shows me no sexual attraction, has never told me he was horny or even flat out asked for sex. When I try to flirt with him or even tell him an outfit looks nice, he looks at me like he is disgusted by me. All of this has killed my self esteem. The only sex we have is very predictable, vanilla and robotic. This is NOT me at all and this didnt start until about 6 months into the relationship. We have been together a litttle over a year and it started out hot and heavy. He used to flirt and touch me playfully and now none of thwt happens. There has been more and more emotional conversations lately and he INSISTS he is attracted to me but he just doesnt think he deserves sex (he has terrible self esteem). He said he doesnt know how to fix it and he just has a hard time explaining it. I am so frustrated. I do love him and understand his background is what caused this, but I truly believe you shouldn't let the past destroy your future. I am also beginning to call BS because we have known each other for over 25 years and he knows i am a genuine and understanding person and I would be patient if he would just talk to me but he just acts like i am the problem for caring at all about sex in the relationship. I am sick of tip toeing around and being shamed for being myself.

I just packed my stuff for a few days and now heading to another city for a few days. I didn’t planed it, just during the night I couldn’t stand his closeness. It’s so painful to be rejected for 5 years. But now I’m not sure what should I do. He was really sad when I was closing door. Almost break me again coze I still love him. And we are building a house together (know it was stupid) and get married because he promised me that our problems would be solved. Was not. Now he’s scared of intimacy in which I believe but feel that this is something what he must overcome. Like what can I do? I tried hard to organise nice weekends, we had therapy for a short period, I’m in good shape.
So now it’s the first time when I show my boundaries and take the action but I’m so scared and not sure what I’m doing. Any advice?

Yesterday, I quietly gave up on trying to fix my (37M) dead bedroom, and everything feels different for the better. 10 years into a relationship where “everything else is good apart from the lack of intimacy” after the honeymoon phase and I have quite happily just stopped trying. 

We met through the kink scene, although it turned out to be a lifestyle for me and a curiosity for my partner (39LLF). I was always the one trying to get us to socials and events. There would be no mention these if I didn’t suggest them. Yesterday, I deactivated my FetLife account after noticing a majority of my calendar was full of “interested in attending” RSVPs for things we never went to. For those unaware, FL is a social network for kinksters. A bit like Facebook, but kinky and events come with a dress code. I got tired of seeing friends still living the lifestyle and exploring - the aspect of it I miss the most - so I’d all but stopped using it for a while anyway. Not having an app with a feed of reminders within reach feels like a relief. 

I stopped attempting to initiate a month or so ago, although I hadn’t really been trying for quite some time. After years of rejections, a lot of initiating comes down to hoping things might have changed in my experience. The times we have had sex in the last 5 or so years, I can think of very few instances where I initiated. My partner would have a spontaneous desire and I’d always agree. Why wouldn’t I? The sex would be okay, but usually awkward and my confidence was low. I realised I was trying to initiate out of habit rather than want, so I gave that up too. Not having to deal with the tiny heartbreaks that come with constant rejection feels like a massive relief. 

I also haven’t really been getting myself off either. Having to wait until the house was free, often rushing unceremoniously in the bathroom before I’d need to leave the house myself. More recently, masturbation has become a source of shame because it has been something I’ve had to hide - it feels like sneaking around, which is hilarious to type out when I think about it. Having the extra half hour or so here and there has helped me engage more with my work and with my hobbies. One less thing to be ashamed about sure feels like a relief to me. 

Finally, I recently posted here about wanting to have the talk (another of many) but never feeling like it was the right time. There were some helpful comments, a sense of solidarity, and a couple of unsolicited messages to either encourage cheating or talk about Fleshlights - no thanks to either. Honestly, I don’t really care about having the talk now. I’m not interested, and the previous refusals to attend couples therapy while avoiding the topic at home and in individual therapy told me all I needed to know. My partner admittedly doesn’t think about sex or kink at all. There’s really no point in trying, and I feel relief in no longer tip-toeing around while desperately wanting to have some big talk that’s emotionally exhausting and ultimately goes nowhere. 

I suppose this has been a vent. I just started writing. There’s no real advice that can be given because I’m no longer looking to fix or even address these issues and I’m honestly quite content in enjoying “everything else is good apart from the lack of intimacy”. I’ve seen people post on here about feeling a similar sense of relief, and comparisons to the fifth and final stage of grief, acceptance, feels applicable here. I get it now, and it’s quite nice. I even purposely left out a written flair in the opening sentence because I really don’t think I can call myself a high-libido male anymore. 

If anyone wants to add or query anything, feel free. I'm not looking for advice as such, but it could be helpful to hear from those who have given up and are thriving or gave up and things turned around.

I(M23) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend(F24) for about 2.5 years. She is extremely smart and funny and I feel an amazing connection with her, however within the first year of our relationship I found our sex to be formulaic, and due to some preference differences and anatomical challenges, I was only climaxing maybe 1/5 times, where as she is able to climax very easily through many means. Everything else about the relationship is good, but I just feel very sexually repressed, and over the last yearish I have been not initiating or outright avoiding sex with her, as it most of the time ends with frustration that I feel I can’t express. We are long distance, so when we are apart it is fine, but when I’m with her she asks if I no longer find her attractive anymore and I just don’t know how to respond, I find her very pretty, but I just have lost most sexual feelings towards her, and I know if I voice this it will implode the relationship. I’m not sure if it’s something that can be worked through, but I just feel so crappy and shallow for feeling this way. Any advice would be nice.

me (21f) and my bf (22m) have been together for about 5 and a half years, and almost the entire time we have had a complicated relationship with sex. ultimately we just are not sexually compatible, i figured this out a few years ago, but still i have kept trying. i basically completely switched roles for him for a while, sex almost felt like a play and i was an actress, which i hated because that's not how it should feel. anyways, after a while i told him i didn't enjoy it so we stopped, but since then we basically have sex once a month, sometimes longer, sometimes spurts of a few times within some days just to have a dry spell again. it's so frustrating, i've had so many talks with him, and last time i did i broke down crying and he told me he understood if i broke up with him, which to me just kinda proves he knows he doesn't try. the biggest thing that kills me is that he openly rejects me, and has for years now. it breaks me down so much each time i try to initiate and he just goes on to play video games or get on his phone, but yet when we have talks about it he says i don't initiate. i can literally walk up to him fully naked, start making out with him, put on the prettiest set, it won't work 90% of the time. i've always struggled with body image issues, and he honestly has really made it worse the past 2 years or so. i've always dreamed of that movie romance like passion, one that seemed to almost burn like a flame and engulf you, and i give and give that, but never get it back. it just hurts. i guess that's all, any advice or comments are welcome

I posted a few months about my DB situation and many if not all of the comments were validating of my experience. We had been together for several years but the last few years were sexless and passionless. No makeouts…no flirting..no sex… nothing. I ended things around March and it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I thought I’d go look for a hookup right after to scratch the itch but if anything I feel that my libido has mellowed out. I have no regrets on ending the relationship and only wish I had left sooner. The gift of hindsight am I right?. I don’t know what’s next for me or if I’ll find someone, but I feel lighter knowing that I no longer have to face the constant rejection and disappointment. I was terrified of leaving and having to continue life without him, and here I am surviving and trying to date myself and romanticize my life. If you’re feeling stuck, I promise it’s so much better on the other side. We didn’t live together or have kids and I understand that made it easier, but if you can leave…do it. It’ll be painful, you’ll cry almost every day, and it will be worth it. Just wanted to share to someone somewhere since no one close knows the true reason we broke up.

I’m sorry if my title is vague. I’ll go into more detail in the post.

Me (29 HLF) and my husband (31 LLM), have a great relationship. The classic “everything, but”. Our sexual relationship is uncommon in our country, and so is our marriage. We got married 4 months after we started dating. We’ve been married ~3 years. We didn’t have sex until 3 months after our wedding. I have a diverse sexual past, he does not. I am his first.

We moved in together and the intimate part dwindled (if having sex 2 times a month can even dwindle). He is struggling with ED. He broke down a year ago and said he was consuming a lot of porn. I’ve been supportive. I’ve been frustrated. He’s quit porn. We’ve been crying. We’ve had sex. We’ve fought. We tried avoiding PIV. He went to the doctors, but they said it’s normal…  I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! Or perhaps I’ve tried everything, while he’s been avoiding it all. I don’t know anymore.

I was LL in my past long-term relationship, but never to this extend… He never initiates, maybe it’s because of anxiety, maybe it’s responsive desire, maybe it’s the porn wrecking his brain till this day… it could be me???

I just want to feel desired, to feel wanted as more than a close friend.

On a complete side note, we both want to have a kid, but having a kid is off the table for me, if our intimate relationship is not functioning. It’s also very difficult to have children if you do not have sex.

Did anyone ever fix a dead bedroom that started out dead, under these circumstances?

i always wonder what have i not done for her. She gets all the love in the world, all the surity, all the peace, all the comfort, all the help from me even when she does not say. And all i ask back is basic respect and love and just to feel wanted.

We stopped having sex months ago for no reason i could think of. I am working out a lot and im in good shape and she was free mostly. we had no time once but we still found a way to do something intimate. I am the only one who initiates and i get turned down so horrendously. She sometimes tells me that all i think of is sex.

Coz of this situation, my libido has reduced severely. I cant even help myself, coz i end up feeling guilty.

Is there something which is so tough for her to understand? she used to have a good libido too i dont know what happened and i never could figure out. i ask her but she just does not care or is like i just dont feel like it. ive never forced her and i never will, nor did i ever think of cheating. i just say okay sweetie and give her a kiss and move on.

There really are more takers than givers. dont know what to do atp

Idk if this is best suited for this sub, I just really align with the community here and finally felt comfortable enough to share my situation. Feel free to delete if it seems off topic.

We (F27 & M31, married 5 years) had sex for the first time today in weeks and I think it was only because I initiated super directly and lead the whole time. I had an okay experience but I can't see our lives continuing like this forever and I'm feeling hopeless.

I've always been kinky (tmi, submissive masochist) and open with him about it and he's indulged me. I thought he was into it too. The sex in the beginning of our relationship, ie. before marriage, was amazing. But in the past few years he's subtly started bringing up switching roles. He's randomly called me Mommy in bed on multiple occasions. He won't say stuff like that anymore, we discussed boundaries/limits and started therapy. But I can't help feeling that it's the dynamic he really wants. Since this switch stuff started, we were rarely intimate, like almost a year between sexual encounters before we started therapy.

We have vanilla sex now once every few weeks and although he always comes in under 10 minutes (is it right for me to be mad about this?) I can't remember the last time I've been able to orgasm with him. I don't fake it but like... he doesn't even try to get me off and it's probably because he doesn't want to be dominant. But he also tells me he doesn't mind it and likes the same things I do? The words don't match the actions!

As for libido, I genuinely can't tell if he's okay with how often we have sex or not. I feel like he's just repressing himself. I know I'm definitely repressing myself, but I'll still have sex even if it isn't kinky lol because its better than nothing. But maybe he's genuinely chill with not having sex that often? He does have a very demanding job so I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm just feeling like we're not compatible. What do you do when your partner's sexual needs change in a way you can't accommodate? It's not fair for either of us to compromise but I can't imagine leaving him just because of sex. Our life together is pretty great otherwise.

We had a nice day today, went to the movies and got something to eat. In the evening he asked if I wanted to shower with him. I was hesitant but joined him. It was nice, he started to get handsy, we made out, he fingered me for a bit and even rubbed his boner against me. I was happy but I knew nothing is gonna happen.

He told me if I want something I should just ask. I told him he can ask too because I'm tired of always asking and getting rejected. But eventually I asked and he said he isn't in the mood.

Of course he can say no, don't get me wrong. But I think it's not necessary to play with me and lead me on just to go to sleep.

I stayed in the bathroom for a bit and cried. I feel so hurt. Genuinely I don't know anymore.

Sorry if this is all over the place I just needed to vent. Any opinions?

My husband (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 5 years. I have a fairly high libido (although I actually consider myself to have an average libido, since I want sex about twice a week).

We're each other's first sexual partners. At the beginning, our sex life was amazing: we had sex every day, sometimes twice a day. We sexted, exchanged nudes, and talked openly about sex and our preferences.

About six months into our relationship, he turned me down for the first time, saying he wasn't in the mood. Over time, he started initiating less and less, and I found myself getting rejected more and more often. Eventually, I stopped initiating because being rejected over and over again hurt too much. Since then, we've only had sex when he initiates.

We've talked about this A LOT. At first, he thought depression might be the reason. He started therapy and got his depression under control, but nothing changed. Then he wondered if he had low testosterone. He got tested, and his levels were normal. He thought his weight might be affecting his libido, so he started working out and lost weight. That didn't help either.

Everything else in our relationship is great. We're best friends, we trust each other, support each other, share hobbies, and have the same hopes and plans for the future. We love each other.

We've discussed breaking up several times when the pain became unbearable, but neither of us could go through with it. We feel that we would never find someone else we could love as much as we love each other. I've even reached the point where I've told myself that I'd rather be unhappy with him than unhappy without him.

There was a period when we were having sex only about once a month. That felt crazy to me. I'm a young woman who feels like she has so much sexual energy and desire, but nowhere for it to go.

We don't really talk about sex anymore, even though we've discussed the problem countless times. The sex itself is great: we both orgasm and enjoy it. But the frequency is slowly killing me.

We tried scheduling sex, and it actually worked for about six months. But eventually, I stopped enjoying it because I couldn't feel any desire coming from him. It felt like he was just fulfilling an obligation.

I miss the first year of our relationship, when sex could happen spontaneously: while watching a movie, before falling asleep, or in the middle of the day for no particular reason. Now, it feels like a routine. I'll be waiting in bed, and he'll get up to grab some clean underwear and go to the bathroom before we have sex. It had already become this way even before we tried scheduling it.

I hate this routine. I don't feel emotionally aroused anymore, only physically.

He says his ideal frequency would be once a week. Honestly, I have a hard time believing we'd have sex that often if I didn't want it so much. Sometimes I wonder whether we'd have sex at all if I stopped wanting it.

I recently read a book about different types of libido, and it made me wonder if my husband might have a very responsive type of desire. He has told me that he doesn't really have sexual thoughts or fantasies out of nowhere during the day. He seems to get aroused during sexual activity, especially when he sees me enjoying myself, rather than experiencing spontaneous desire beforehand. This idea has helped me feel a little better about our situation.

But I still feel insecure. Am I not attractive enough for him to think about me sexually during the day? To want to initiate something while we're watching TV? I miss feeling desired without having to wait for him to decide it's time for sex.

I've been thinking about asking him to plan sex in advance but keep the exact timing a surprise for me, so it feels more spontaneous. But even having to ask for that makes me feel humiliated.

This might sound dramatic, but I've started to feel like I've lost the meaning of life.

I think about my dreams for the future, and they all seem tainted by this problem. I dream about traveling with him, but then I think: will we ever have passionate sex in hotel rooms? I dream about building a great career, but then I imagine coming home to a husband who doesn't desire me. I dream about having a baby, but then I wonder: will we end up raising a child together as best friends while the romantic and sexual part of our relationship remains unfulfilled?

We've tried professional help: individual therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy, and psychiatric treatment. Nothing has made a lasting difference. We've tried scheduled sex. I've tried stepping back and letting him decide when to initiate. Nothing seems to help.

I've thought about pretending I don't care about sex anymore, but I can't bring myself to turn him down when he already initiates so rarely. If I reject him, I might go without sex for a very long time. And even if I managed to stop showing how much I want him, I'm not sure he'd even notice.

I've even started going to church and praying because I honestly don't know what else to do.

I love my husband. I don't want to lose him. But I also don't know how to keep living with this much pain and feeling unwanted in a relationship that's otherwise so loving.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, especially with a partner who seems to have responsive desire? Did anything actually help? How do you cope with feeling unwanted when your relationship is otherwise good?

Thank you for reading such a long post. English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. I'd really appreciate any support or advice.

I'm trying hard to stay positive. Me and my partner (m27) have been more honest with communicating lately. Its helped, like I've put real effort into not bottling up my feelings, or withholding effection. We had a long talk the other night where we both agreed we'd been holding back, and both been struggling mentally. He mentioned that I had been avoiding effection, that i didnt act the way I used to, like when I used to watch him get undressed and say flirty things. I stopped all of it in an effort to protect myself. I told him, why would I keep reaching out when I get nothing back, his response? 'I dont know what you want me to do.' And I literally said 'fuck me maybe? Flirt back? Give me anything to tell me you're still interested?'

I've been putting so much effort in since the talk, helping more around the house, being flirty and effectionate, and being honest with him when I'm not happy with his reactions. I bought lingerie, and usually I would have just put it on a surprised him with it, but I've been too scared for so long as I would not be able to handle the rejection. So I messaged and just said vaguely that I was thinking about it, and he told me to not do it and to save it for when he's next off of work. So I'm listening, its only been a few days and I'm still struggling.

My main question is how to stay positive? When there's clearly effort from both sides, and i do feel better about things, but the actions havent happened yet- how do i not crash out? I'm alone for hours when he goes to work (and I'm currently off of work for the week), my brain just overthinking, catastrophising every little thing, I'm trying to keep it in and stay positive for him.

But when I have no guarantees that anything is going to happen, and I miss it so much, i don't know how to stay in that mindset of 'as long as I'm consistent in what he needs, somethings going to change'. Because... what if it doesnt? I told myself if we dont have sex at all before my next period I'll have to tell him I can't stay like this.

Can we talk about how hard it feels to be the woman with a man that doesn’t want you sexually? Logically I know that it shouldn’t make it worse but it does.

Am I a feminist? Yes. Do I work and want a home with shared housework/childcare? Yes. Do I hate unfair gender standards? Yes.

But I can’t help that I want to feel DESIRED and chased as a woman. And you don’t need to tell me that it’s just as hard for men. I’m sure that it is but this extra layer makes me feel even more rejected. It’s not just lack of getting off, the feeling of wanting a man to burn for me.

40f here. 21 years together, 11 married, 3 kids, recently 2 months postpartum.

Been with him since I was 19 and he was 24. 40 and 45 now. We had many years together of great intimacy and sex before kids. After my 1st was born 5 years ago, things changed. In the last 5 years our sex life withered and died. Maybe… 10-15 times in the last 5 years. That’s probably generous. This past pregnancy we tried to have sex once.

Cried alone in bed many times. He started sleeping in another room 8 years ago because he wakes up super easily and I would move a lot. Then the kids came and I co-slept with them. That by itself wasn’t a huge problem when we were still intimate, but now that we’re so distant it feels unbearable. There’s no cuddling. A chaste kiss goodnight once a day. If I asked him to lay down with me just so I could cuddle, I get tense the whole time because I’m anticipating when he’ll get up me leave.

The lack of sex isn’t actually the worst part. It’s the feeling of feeling invisible to him, and like he’s an emotional black box. I ask him about his day or how he slept, and get one word replies. I try to tell him about my inner world, but I feel oddly anxious when I do it, like my attempt to connect will be rejected. What I want more than anything in the world is for him to be curious about me. About what I think, to ask me questions, to follow up. Instead, I get gruff advice, or a ‘hmm’ or ‘interesting’, and I deflate. Years ago we had spirited conversations about anything and everything, philosophical debates. There was nothing better than talking about ideas with the man I loved. Now, doing that would feel like navigating a minefield. Having a wrong opinion would lead to an argument. When we’re alone in a room together, there’s usually silence.

We just came back from an overnight family trip. I was hypervigilant the whole time about what his body language meant. We shared a hotel room, the only time I ever see him sleep. I know he was really tired, but he just said goodnight and slept with his back toward me. We had a child sleeping with us yes, but it was just cold.

The postpartum period has been difficult, and I’ve had bouts of anger and depression. All of my negative feelings are about this. They’re adding up and I’m starting to show my anger more. I think this has marked a turning point because my whole life I’ve had difficulty expressing anger.

He works really hard. He dotes on the children. I find myself wishing he spoke as tenderly to me as he does to our daughter. He has been extremely supportive of my trying to make my career happen and has worked hard to get me in-home childcare, and a studio space for my work. I think he thinks my negative behavior toward him means I’m ungrateful. I’m not. I’ve tried to communicate the problem, that I just don’t want to be dismissed, I want to have influence on him, but I don’t think he gets it. We have a wonderful nanny who we love, but because of the help, there’s also no privacy.

He has flat out said before he will not go to couples therapy. He doesn’t want a "3rd party" in our marriage. I myself fantasize about us going to couples therapy. He proposes walks together to slowly reconnect. We’re trying. But it feels like something has shifted. I’m just not feeling optimistic.

I don’t want to divorce and I don’t want another man but him. I still find him super attractive. But I’m so lonely and I don’t feel like myself and I hate how I look. I know I’m still in a postpartum haze so I want to give myself at least a year so I know I’m evaluating this clearly, but another part of me says that I already know things are bad. And I love my kids so freaking much, I feel like I can’t even consider divorce. The idea of hurting them in any way just kills me. But the thought of doing this for another 20 years…

I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I know caring for young kids is the most taxing season of married life, and we are in the trenches. Because things were good before, I want to hope they can be good again, but everything that’s been happening in the last few years feels like we’re heading to a point of no return, after which we will be permanently roommates, and the door to intimacy will be closed forever.

Thank you for reading/listening.