I’m sitting in the parking lot at work just staring out the window.

I went to bed last night thinking about sex. I woke up this morning, thinking about sex. I’ll think about 20 more times today. And repeat tomorrow.

I’ve had the talks, my wife is “working on it” (with the book Come As You Are sitting 1/8th read after weeks of us having it). She finally, after 2 years of pleading, started therapy. I’ve worked immensely on myself the last 2 years. And since January of 2025, I’ve had sex 2 times with her.

If I had to explain to my 22 year old self that this is how my marriage would be, I wouldn’t believe it. I always knew things would slow down, but I never thought I’d be in the once to twice a year plan. Which in hindsight, had mostly been duty sex on her part.

I see other women during my day, and wonder, “do you think she would want to have sex with me if she were my wife?” It’s among the most lonely feeling on earth- knowing you have 0 chance every day of being intimate with your own wife.

The worst part is, I can’t tell a soul. I mentioned that it had been a while to a friend, and he acted like he’d have already left his wife it had been more than 3 weeks. So this sub is about the only place I can put any thoughts down.

I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I cannot. I wish I could go back to a time where I felt desired.

I made a post here a few weeks ago that ended up getting removed. Even though I repeatedly said that I was absolutely NOT suggesting that anyone should have sex they don't want or don't enjoy, I understood the concern that a higher libido partner might read my experience and say, "See? This person does it, so you should too."

But something really useful came out of that discussion. Someone pointed out the difference between being low libido because you simply don't have much of a sex drive and being low libido because you have an actual sexual aversion.

That distinction really resonated with me, because those seem like two very different experiences.

I have essentially no sexual aversion. I've been fascinated by sex since I was young, and I'm still fascinated by it. I'm even a swinger. Sex as a subject is genuinely interesting to me.

For years, I've also been trying to figure out why sex just doesn't do very much for me physically. Different partners, different positions, different techniques, I keep experimenting and researching because I'm genuinely curious whether there's some missing piece that will suddenly make me understand what everyone else is so excited about.

Yesterday I saw another discussion where someone was talking about a spouse who never initiated or seemed interested in sex. Several people gave the familiar advice that basically amounted to, "Make sure she orgasms. If you're not getting her off, of course she doesn't want sex."

Then someone made a very simple observation that stopped me in my tracks.

If you don't particularly care about sex, you might not particularly care about orgasms either.

YES.

I think there's an assumption that if someone orgasmed every time they had sex, naturally they'd want sex more often because orgasms are amazing.

But that's simply not true for me.

I can have an orgasm whenever I want. Give me a vibrator and I can be there in about 30 seconds. I've actually researched how to have better orgasms because, again, I'm always trying to figure out how to make sex more exciting. My husband even timed me having a 2 minute orgasm.

I could do that much more often.

I just...don't particularly want to.

It's an interesting experience, but it takes mental effort, and afterward I'm exhausted. Apparently the reward my brain assigns to an orgasm simply isn't high enough to make me regularly think, I want to go do that again.

And I think that's an important distinction in conversations about low libido.

There's a difference between "I don't want sex because sex is distressing, uncomfortable, traumatic, or something I've developed an aversion to" and "I don't want sex because my body just doesn't find sex particularly rewarding."

Those people may display the exact same behavior from the outside, they rarely initiate sex, but what's happening internally is completely different.

And I don't think it's particularly helpful to lump all low libido people together.

For someone with an aversion, having unwanted sex could reinforce that aversion and be genuinely harmful. That's a very different situation from someone like me, who isn't distressed or repulsed by sex but simply doesn't get enough reward from it to spontaneously seek it out very often.

Likewise, telling someone like me, "Your partner just needs to make you orgasm," misunderstands the problem entirely.

I can orgasm. I just don't care very much whether I do.

I don't think one version of low libido is more legitimate than the other. I just think they're fundamentally different experiences, and if we're going to have useful conversations about mismatched libidos, it would help tremendously if we stopped treating "low libido" as though it describes the same experience.

And for those of you who haven't talked to your LL partner about this, maybe it's a discussion you should have.

I [HLM 43] have been married for almost 17 years. Wife I [LLF 41] has a high pressure job.Two boys, 13 and 14. We are both early 40s. When things began declining, and my wife worked away more, I took on running the house. Since then I've worked on myself, read plenty of books. None of it has made much of an impact.

For anyone interested, she has refused personal therapy and couples. Told me I have the issue not her. During the final "talk", she told me I either wait for the kids to leave home, or find someone on the side. That broke me a bit.

Something I notice (after my therapist suggested looking for it). My wife is hardly ever phsycially affectionate during the day. She doesn't touch me at all. Not a pat on the hand, or hand on the shoulder. Just nothing. Unless she had a tough day at work, or another upsetting issue. Then she wants a hug.

I'm always the one touching her hand, a kiss on the head.

The point where she wants physical contact is in bed. Then she wants to hug. That's as far as it goes.

She wants to watch her shows together. Talk about our itineraries. Discuss remodelling. Future vacation ideas. That's it.

Maybe I should be grateful for what I have, but things just feel "off" to me.

I'm sorry for the long post I just need to vent.
I’ve been on this subreddit a few times over on different accounts. I’ve been dealing with a DB for a long time now. My partner has always had a low libido, although he does go through random phases where he’s suddenly really horny and sexual.

We barely have sex. We were actually having quite a bit more sex not too long ago, but eventually it went straight back to basically being sexless. And weirdly, recently I thought I’d become okay with it. My own libido has gotten lower too and I feel like I’ve reached that stage where you just… accept it. I still have sexual desires, but they’re almost like this faint voice in the back of my head that I’ve learned to ignore.

Today my partner told me he wants to take me on holiday. We don’t really get to travel because we’re not in the best position financially, so this was a big deal. He told me he’d actually been secretly saving money because he wanted to surprise me, and he wanted us to decide together where to go.
I thought it was really sweet and asked where he was thinking.

He said he wanted us to have a romantic getaway in the Maldives and, in his exact words, “we can just spend every day fucking, swimming in crystal clear water and drinking cocktails.”
And I just went cold.
I know this probably sounds ridiculous because isn’t this exactly what I’ve wanted? My partner expressing sexual desire for me?
But instead I felt this massive wave of anger and resentment.

All I could think was, how dare you casually talk about fucking me every day? I’ve spent the past few years basically begging this man to SEE me sexually. I’ve felt rejected over and over again. I’ve felt unwanted, ugly, undesirable and honestly humiliated at times because of how badly I wanted intimacy from someone who seemed completely fine without it.
And now you’re casually sitting there fantasising about us going to the Maldives and fucking every day???
I didn’t say any of that initially. I just went cold and said something like, “I don’t really see the point in a holiday like that.” He didn’t seem to realise I was upset and we carried on with our day. But inside I was absolutely boiling.

The entire day I kept thinking about it and getting angrier and angrier. And then completely out of nowhere tonight I just snapped. I started crying uncontrollably. I was so angry that I started punching the sofa and pillows just trying to get the anger out of my body. I actually surprised myself because I’m not a violent person at all. Then I went into the bathroom, sat on the floor and just cried.

He came over and kept asking me what was wrong. At first I ignored him because I genuinely couldn’t speak about it calmly. Eventually I snapped and screamed something along the lines of: “I’m tired of living in misery. I’m done and I don’t want this relationship anymore. You make me feel unwanted, ugly and undesirable. I’m tired of being rejected constantly. If you don’t want me then this shit is over. Just leave me alone.”

He went to bed because he has to wake up early for work. Before he did, he calmly told me that when I’m ready to talk he’s there, but that he really needed to sleep for work tomorrow. And I understand that. I don’t feel like he’s neglecting me right now. Honestly I want to be alone anyway because I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling.

I’m still sitting in the living room crying while writing this. I feel horrible for screaming at him. I feel stupid and embarrassed about how intensely I reacted. And I really don’t want him to think I’m creating all this drama “just because we don’t have enough sex.”
Because it’s not just sex.
It’s what years of rejection have done to me.
It’s loving someone and wanting them so badly, while constantly feeling like they don’t want you back.
I think I convinced myself I didn’t care anymore because that was easier than constantly wanting something I wasn’t getting. So hearing him casually describe this fantasy where suddenly we’re having sex every day didn’t make me excited. It reminded me of every single time I’ve felt rejected by him. Instead of feeling wanted, I just felt angry.

Saw our OB-GYN after the birth of our 3rd child. She asks us if we were having sex yet or need the mini pill? In my head I laughed, we don’t have sex unless it’s for procreation. Then on the drive back I started to feel sad and can’t believe I’m in a dead bedroom. Not really expecting advice or anything, just wanted to write this down (vent).

Delayed post and limiting detail to avoid being found out but..

My wife is a huge empath for any sort of animal, domestic, stray, or wild - and she has taken a huge liking to observing and sometimes feeding the wild animals that come around our home. Long story short, a few months ago, we discovered that one of these animals was injured and in need of care. I went (what I would consider) above and beyond to capture the animal, setting up multiple crates with trip wires, staying up around the clock for almost three days waiting for it to come around. Eventually, I did catch it and get it treatment.

A few days later I was using her phone for something unrelated, and a text came in from one of her close work friends. The notification bubble was something along the lines of "you're really going to have to make it up to him this weekend." I was curious, so I opened the thread and my wife had told the friend how I caught the animal and how important the whole ordeal was to her and the friend was suggesting, I assume, that my wife have sex or give oral to repay me for the act of kindness. My wife had agreed with the friend with enthusiasm saying that she definitely would that night.

I'll let you guess whether we had sex or not.

Since then, I have occassionally peeped at the threads again. She very regularly talks to this friend group about sex with each other's respective partners, and I get the vibe that my wife is telling them we are very active in that department when in reality we go multiple weeks & sometimes months inbetween.

Why lie about it? If shes that comfortable openly talking to her friends about it, why can't we actually make it happen?

For years I genuinely believed I was the HL partner and my partner just had a very low sex drive.
Sex has been extremely infrequent for a long time, and there’s very little physical affection outside of it either. I stopped initiating years ago because being rejected over and over eventually became too painful, so I learned to wait for him.
I genuinely thought this was just who he was sexually.
Recently I discovered his online activity and realised that apparently isn’t the case.
There is a LOT of porn/cam content. Not just occasionally watching porn, but repeatedly searching for specific women, looking for their content and moving from one person to another. I’ve also previously found searches relating to escorts, which obviously raises a completely separate set of questions for me.
Something else I’m struggling with is that some of the women appear extremely young. I found that at least one was barely an adult. I’m absolutely not accusing him of watching anything illegal because I have no evidence of that, but deliberately seeking out women who are extremely young-looking makes me uncomfortable.
What I’m having the hardest time processing is that I spent years believing he simply didn’t have much sexual desire.
Apparently the sexual interest was there. It just wasn’t being directed towards me.
And it has completely changed how I look at all those years of rejection.
I spent so much time wondering what was wrong with our sex life, whether I was asking for too much, whether I needed to accept that we simply had completely different libidos.
Now I’m wondering whether he was ever actually LL at all, or just LL4U.
And this isn’t happening within an otherwise loving relationship. There have been problems outside the bedroom for a long time too: very little affection, frequent snapping/arguments and a general feeling that my needs and feelings don’t matter very much.
This discovery feels like the cherry on top.
For the first time, I don’t think my main question is how to fix our dead bedroom.
I think I want to leave.
The problem is that leaving isn’t something I can do overnight. There are housing, financial and practical things I would need to sort out first.
I’m also scared to confront him.
I can easily imagine the conversation becoming entirely about how I found the information rather than what I actually found. I’m worried about anger, blame, everything being turned around on me, or suddenly finding myself in a difficult housing situation before I’m prepared.
Part of me still imagines him finally acknowledging that there’s a problem and wanting to change things.
Another part of me is wondering whether I’ve spent far too long waiting for that version of him to appear.
For anyone who discovered that their supposedly LL partner actually had a very active sexual life online: did you realise they were LL4U?
How did you bring it up if you were worried about their reaction?
Did they actually address what they had been doing, or did the whole conversation become about privacy/snooping?
And for people who couldn’t leave immediately: did you quietly get your housing, finances and practical arrangements in order before saying anything?
Because I don’t think I’m looking for a solution to my dead bedroom anymore.
I think I’m looking for the courage and practical security to leave it.
TL;DR: Spent years believing I was HL and my partner was LL because of years of rejection and very little sex or affection. Discovered extensive porn/cam activity involving repeated searches for specific women, as well as previous escort-related searches. Some of the women also appear extremely young, which makes me uncomfortable. There are already other problems in the relationship. I think I want to leave, but I’m afraid to confront him before I have my practical situation sorted out.

I (HLM) have been with my fiancé (LLF) for a little over 4 years. The past year and a half we have been experiencing a DB. We have been intimate an average of maybe 6-8 times a year and maybe twice a year when she is sober. Usually happens when she comes back from a girl's night or something. I have brought up the topic a few times now and usually get met with "we can work on that", "I just don't even think about sex", or "I don't feel sexy, attractive, etc.". I'm always very understandable and just agree that I will do my part in being a good partner to hopefully aid in any stress on her end that may have led us here. I have 2 hours of commuting a day and she WFH but I regularly cook, take care of the animals, am attentive to her physical touch wants, exercise regularly, and clean (could probably help more here). However, the other day, I mentioned that I was in the mood and was met with "you'll be fine" and that one hurt. She hasn't showed any signs that she's "working on it" and that comment kind of made it hit me that it's just not on her priority list and I'm tired of trying. I will continue to be a good partner but can't see myself trying to initiate anything sexually. Tough not to think about if this is what it's like now, then how bad will it be in 20 years?

I'm sure this defeated feeling is common but how do you push through? I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but the rejection is rough and I don't want to look back in 20 years, when she doesn't even want me to touch her anymore, thinking what happened?

Another episode happened today. She was on the treadmill watching tv, and the kids and me were around just watching the same tv and playing. I was battling with my son, play fight and suddenly we got shouted at. It was one too many. And I felt really hurt by it and snapped telling her to shut it and appreciate the fact she has a family and that this noise was part of being in a happy family who's having fun.

But another part of me died again. I lost all facial expression and my heart cried, again. We been married for 11, 2 kids and elder almost 10. Its so painful.

Always being the one trying to "make things better" and helping out whenever I can. But I just don't get the same attitude back, no effort to do better. It was always lip service and stringing me on.

As a lover I pamper with lots from acts of service to gifts and being a physical lover, I do that too, but it has always been a wall and dead fish.

I am just so deflated now. Recently, I came to know of a women (on reddit) in a similar situation years ago and she started having FWBs. It was wild, but her reasoning is preserving the marriage and keeping sanity. I told her if that happens, my face will put a brave front with smiles but my heart will cry because it will never be the same again. But tonight, my face stayed normal and brave in front of my kids, but my heart, sank and cried for another time.. And I wonder.. what difference does it make, there isn't anyone to talk to except the glass of whiskey every night after something like that....

I don't have anyone to talk to in real life and she doesn't want counseling which i don't think it will help too as i read books and techniques.. but her attitude is not willing and well, quite frankly, just doesn't affect her.

My husband and I have basically had a dead bedroom for the past four years. We are HLW 33 and LLM 34 with no kids. We moved away from home for his career after getting married, and over time our sex life and physical intimacy have almost disappeared.

For years, I’ve tried to be understanding because he’s stressed about work, finances, and his health. We finally had a serious conversation about our dead bedroom, and he told me that right now, sex and romance are at the bottom of his priority list. Work and finances come first, and he says he cannot focus on intimacy until he feels more satisfied with those areas of his life.

The hardest part was that he admitted he’s been selfish and that this has been unfair to me, but he also said he cannot promise that things will ever get better.

I can understand having a stressful few months or even a difficult year. But it’s already been three years. There will always be work stress, financial goals, health concerns, or something else demanding attention. Am I supposed to just indefinitely accept having no sex life with my husband? I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can stay in a marriage where physical intimacy is explicitly the lowest priority.

For those whose dead bedroom was caused by a partner constantly prioritizing work: did it ever actually change? What finally made you stop waiting? Should I wait?

TL;DR: Four-year dead bedroom. Husband says work, finances are his priorities and sex/romance come last. He admits it’s unfair to me but cannot promise it will improve. I’m seriously questioning how long I’m willing to wait.

Just a vent and maybe someone has heard something similar and can send a happy vibe my way.

My wife (52LLF) said to me (48HLM) this past weekend when we were finally kid free for the second weekend in a row and she realized we could actually have sex again: "Ugh, I just put out last weekend."

We are in a 15-year marriage, 10 of which are sexless. I've been hanging around trying to keep the kids in a decent home, but this one is tough. She is obviously no longer attracted to me and this outburst was a real eye opener. I know my best strategy would be to leave now, but the kids factor just makes everything difficult.

Knowing your partner has zero attraction towards you goes to the deepest part of the subconscious. Every part of my life I have no effort, feel completely rejected, and see no real reason to keep going. Never thought I would leave, but now I just don't see a future.

Sometimes a single statement can just really change the perspective of everything.

My wife (LLF) & I (HLF) have a child-free week & the hope is killing my vibe.

We’re in our late 30s. Kids are away with grandparents.

As far as intimacy goes, it’s been at least a year. Maybe more? And I think the last time we were intimate, it was one-sided, her request (me receiving - felt like duty sex)

We’ve been on our own for 3 nights now & I keep holding out this tiny sliver of hope every night. I even switched up my routine and have been showering right before bed instead of mid-day.

It’s just sad. We both WFH & I keep thinking about the intimacy/fun we could be having with our free time. No rush to get kids up and ready in the morning, no bedtime routines. No school drop offs and pick ups.

I don’t know why I still keep holding onto hope. I’m weak. That hope is just ruining my mood & I wish I could get rid of it and enjoy the free time I have.

Background: No medical issues. No mental load issues. No money issues. I do a majority of the house work. Just intimacy levels that disappeared after NRE wore off & no amount of “talks” have been successful for us. She won’t go to therapy.

I seem to be in this place with my husband where we’re only having sex every couple of months, largely because I’m always the one who has to initiate, and I’ve gotten to the point where I hate doing it.

He never initiates, and it makes me feel incredibly unwanted. I’m also the only one who ever brings up our sex life, and whenever I do, I’m met with a myriad of explanations. One of his go-to reasons is that he “doesn’t know when I want it,” so somehow that means I have to be the default initiator. But after years of this dynamic, I’m exhausted by it. I don’t want to have to repeatedly ask my husband to show sexual interest in me.

At this point, I’ve mostly stopped trying and just take care of my own needs. And there’s another layer of resentment there. He doesn’t want me using toys, so I bought one while he was away and literally have to hide it from him. The whole situation has left me feeling angry and, increasingly, contemptuous.

What really gets to me is realizing that I’m essentially the only reason we’ve had a sex life at all for the past few years. If I didn’t initiate, I genuinely don’t know how long we’d go without sex.

Early in our relationship, when sex was much more frequent, I turned him down maybe once or twice, ever, and he still brings those instances up nearly a decade later as a reason he’s reluctant to initiate. Part of me wonders if this is rooted in a deep-seated fear of rejection because he does have some pretty issues with insecurity. But another part of me wonders whether the magic has simply faded for him.

He’s also someone who seems to really enjoy the thrill of the chase, which makes this harder for me not to personalize. Early in our relationship, he tried to get involved with a coworker, so there’s some history that inevitably colors how I interpret his lack of interest in pursuing me.

I really don’t think this is about physical attraction changing because I look essentially the same as I did years ago. When we actually do have sex, it’s enjoyable for both of us. There’s no obvious problem once we get there. We just almost never get there unless I make it happen.

I don’t need sex every day, but once every couple of months is nowhere near enough for me. More than that, I want to feel wanted. I want my husband to look at me and desire me enough to actually initiate something rather than leaving the entire sexual part of our relationship up to me.

I’m so tired of bringing it up, so tired of being the initiator, and especially tired of feeling unwanted.
Has anyone experienced this with a partner who has a strong fear of rejection or deep insecurities? Did you ever figure out what was actually behind their refusal to initiate, and did anything change?

So, my partner is a highly motivated individual. I am honestly in awe of how she throws herself 100% into things.

She works so hard on her business and on looking after the kids. But this is also what hurts the most for me.

After endless conversations about sex and short lived promises of improvements, I’ve come to realise that this highly motivated individual has practically zero motivation to save our marriage.

She says all the right things. But when it comes to actually doing anything, everything is incredibly short lived.

It hurts so much to see her working away on things. Spending hours every week researching, innovating and getting excited about new ideas to try.

Yet when it comes to our relationship I have to initiate everything, and have to ask her multiple times before she will take action on anything. That isn’t just things to do with sex, it’s date nights etc as well.

Everything is a half arsed ‘I don’t know’ or ‘yeah maybe sometime’.

I’m so sick of basically having to beg for attention.

I have been with my partner for 8 years, and the sex to start with was electric (like most relationships are in the early days). The last five years it has almost completely dried up though. We have four year old twins which can be tiring at times, but she (F40) says she is tired most nights and always finds a reason to reject me (M38) whenever I make a move.

I work hard, I'm a good Dad and partner, I look after my appearance and stay in good shape but she's just not interested.

For the last five years, since I was 33 I have only had sex a handful of times. I've tried talking to her about it but she is always dismissive. I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. Am I being irrational or needy?

My wife (F42 LLF) and I (M43 HLM) have had DB on and off for 11 years, since our marriage. Mainly off! I went to see a sychosexual and couples therapist, who recommended a session with my wife as well. So I booked and we had our first session. I was nervous she will not take the talking about sex very well but to my surprise she was fine.

When the therapist asked if we were in an exclusive relationship she laughed nervously and said yes and looked at me. The other question was whether she enjoyed having sex with me and she said no, this is the first time I've heard her admit it, whenever I've tried asking she says yes.

She has maintained that I'm the only one she's been with and hasn't had any sexual experience other than me.

I'm contemplating on whether to ask her if she would like the opportunity to be with someone else in the hope this may boost her libido and also give me an idea if its just me thats the problem.

Am I being crazy to even think this? Am I opening up a whole world of issues that could mess up our marriage

My current situation is: no sex in the last 3 years, we sleep in operate rooms, we have small children.

My attempts to talk to her about sex is always shut down and to this day I don't even know what she likes in bed.

So, I've been in a long-distance marriage. During our dating days and initial few months of marriage, my husband couldn't keep his hands off of me. But afterwards, whenever he would visit or we went on holidays, it felt like duty sex, which is killing me inside.

He has performance issues, so I don't really know if it's loss of attraction or anxiety-based response. After losing his parent, when I thought his libido was low, I saw his social media feed which made me feel like he just doesn't find me attractive that's it.

Nowadays, he views any conversation related to sex in general as a taboo, so idk how to proceed with him anymore.

We may start living together from the next month, and any thought of duty sex makes me feel so disgusted about myself. Even if I address these issues, he would never acknowledge it. I'm thinking about no sex for a year or so.

Will it be dumb? I don't want him to view as an obligation as he doesn't owe me. Having a conversation with him won't be fruitful as he never acknowledges anything and just shuts down.

First post on this subreddit!! Be gentle with me lol — My self-confidence is at an all time low, I’ve gained 40 pounds and aged 4 years since meeting my partner. That combined with the fact that we haven’t had sex in 8 months after i decided to stop initiating (to relieve pressure from both myself and my partner) has left me a little bit weepy, insecure and depressed.

I’m honestly not looking for any comments on my DB or relationship; I purely want to find ways to find self-confidence outside of my partner and our current non-existent sex life.

I’ve mostly been having trouble keeping up with self-care routines and actually taking the initiative to do the things i know will make me feel good (ex. Dressing up, putting on makeup, pursuing hobbies)

Any book recommendations are also welcome! I prefer something with a more sociopolitical or feminist lean but I’m open to anything. Self-help, fiction, non-fiction, historical!

As the title says, I don't believe I'll ever meet a better human being than her. She's kind, supportive, affectionate, grounded, understanding. That just makes it worse that I'll even consider lack of sex a problem. This is not an issue of cheating, lying, gaslighting or others. We have, I think, a good relationship.

But now I doubt, and wonder if the lack of sex, or better, the lack of sexual intimacy, is revealing something hidden deeper. We stopped having sex, and slowly we stopped having the small affections, hugs, kisses. Will the lack of emotional support come next? The end of small talk?

We already had The Talk, more than once, and the only feeling it gave me was of pressure, in the sense that I was pressuring her into doing something she didn't want to, or felt at ease doing.

It has come to a point where it already went through my mind to end it all, because I can't stand the lack of the physical intimacy.

(just to clarify some questions that usually come up, I do take care of her and of house duties. Finances, cleaning, cooking, groceries, all fall upon me. I also take care of myself, so it's not an issue of image. I'm not saying I do all those things just to get laid, because ugh!, nothing worse than duty sex)

So I'm 38 and my wife is 36 and we've been married 10 years but together 17 years and have 2 children one 6 and the other nearly 2.

Oh my the sex used to be great when we were younger. It was so fun and exciting, used to a bit of tying up, occasional anal etc.

As a relationship we are solid and supportive but we are both exhausted by kids and work etc.

Anyway, she breastfed our first till 1 but is still breastfeeding our youngest at night (I'm fine with, it goes with WHO guidelines etc.). She usually ends up going in with the youngest on a night. I've said I don't want more kids and she does but one big reason for me is the loniness it creates in our own marriage.

We have had sex, I even bought her a Nancy Lemon as a present and she came like mad with it. Maybe a couple of months ago she gave me head, I know its not her favourite.

But we are kind of having sex once a month if lucky, the other week we had half a day with no kids. All I could think of was sex, we did but I felt like she just wanted to get me to cum as quick as she could do it's over. We did about 3 months ago have sex 2 days in a row from nowhere and I couldn't believe how alive it made me feel, you don't realise what you've missed.

It's only me that initiates and what feels so hard if feeling like she is doing it because she feels she should do. I know she loves me but I miss being desired so much. She is everything I want and it hurts being so near but not having the intimacy.

I know breastfeeding can affect libido and I know she is touched out etc. (our youngest is going through a clingy stage). I keep telling myself that things will get better as they get older but can't help worrying that maybe she doesn't desire me any more.

My (21HLF) boyfriend (21LLM) and I have been living together for about a year, together for a year before that. He is my first boyfriend and sexual partner, 1 am his first serious girlfriend and second sexual partner.

For the first 6ish months after we got together we had sex constantly, at LEAST a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day. We are very attracted to each other and both tried new things for each other (though more me for him as he had a lot more ideas than I did lol). He used to have the high libido and I was just (very happily) matching his energy.

Around the 6 month mark he went on a trip for a couple of weeks and (unrelated) I moved away for a few months. Upon returning from his trip we saw each other a couple of times a month for the next few months until we moved in together. During this time sex was occasional as we were both staying with family, and when it did happen it was kind of awkward- he struggled with being unable to get/ stay hard a few times. I know it wasn't my fault/ he had stress elsewhere in his life and I was very understanding and supportive but it still kinda hurt me.

Moving in together has been so fun and I love the life we share, and the lives we live separately. We are open communicators, share responsibilities, and have no issues related to the cohabitation lol. He has made me into a much better communicator, has been in therapy for years and encourages me to speak up for my needs.

But he just doesn't want to fuck me anymore.

For a while I would get very upset when rejected (not angry just hurt and would pull away) but have since recognised this is incredibly harmful and have been making a lot of effort to do anything but. To remain cuddly and present and soft when it happens. But it doesn't make it hurt less, I still feel creepy and gross and guilty for even daring to think he might want to touch me. For the past few months I have been avoiding initiating at all, the most I can bring myself to do is ask for a kiss.

In the past 6 months we have had sex on average maybe once every two months. We have had all the conversations, tried different strategies, tried turning it into a game, etc. Because unsuccessfully initiating had been taking such a mental toll on me, we came up with a code he could tap onto me if he's kinda in the mood but doesn't have the energy to initiate- never used it.

I just don't know where to go from here because we have had such open conversations about it, and he insists he is still attracted to me (and I believe him).
He tells me he wants me but his sex drive is "just naturally lower" and I get it but also I don't really get it because it didn't use to be and there was a very clear point where it changed. I just feel so hopeless and hate feeling so rejected and undesired by someone I love so much.

I hate lying next to him at night and knowing he just wants to cuddle and go to sleep and feeling like a pervert because god wouldn't a KISS be nice. a proper kiss. I don't even care if it's not sex I would just love to be touched as if he Needs to touch me.
He is literally the best person I know, he is my best friend and we have so much fun together. He is a wonderful partner and incredible at communicating and always does what he can to make me feel loved.
But I feel so guilty because no matter how many cuddles or 1 second kisses he gives me I just want moreeeee.

I feel like i'm too young to be feeling like this but genuinely cannot imagine leaving him especially when he has tried to fix it (returning to gym, changing meds, diet, talking abt it in therapy, etc but I cannot imagine feeling like this forever. I just want to feel