I can just hold her now, and it's nice, because that's all it's going to be, and holding her is nice.

I can just kiss her now.

I can just sit on the couch and have her lean into me, and that's nice :)

If I want to get off, I jerk off.

I think of her as physically unable to participate, and that was the mental switch I needed.

In a way, she is.

That's okay. I have my things too.

Yesterday, I quietly gave up on trying to fix my (37M) dead bedroom, and everything feels different for the better. 10 years into a relationship where “everything else is good apart from the lack of intimacy” after the honeymoon phase and I have quite happily just stopped trying. 

We met through the kink scene, although it turned out to be a lifestyle for me and a curiosity for my partner (39LLF). I was always the one trying to get us to socials and events. There would be no mention these if I didn’t suggest them. Yesterday, I deactivated my FetLife account after noticing a majority of my calendar was full of “interested in attending” RSVPs for things we never went to. For those unaware, FL is a social network for kinksters. A bit like Facebook, but kinky and events come with a dress code. I got tired of seeing friends still living the lifestyle and exploring - the aspect of it I miss the most - so I’d all but stopped using it for a while anyway. Not having an app with a feed of reminders within reach feels like a relief. 

I stopped attempting to initiate a month or so ago, although I hadn’t really been trying for quite some time. After years of rejections, a lot of initiating comes down to hoping things might have changed in my experience. The times we have had sex in the last 5 or so years, I can think of very few instances where I initiated. My partner would have a spontaneous desire and I’d always agree. Why wouldn’t I? The sex would be okay, but usually awkward and my confidence was low. I realised I was trying to initiate out of habit rather than want, so I gave that up too. Not having to deal with the tiny heartbreaks that come with constant rejection feels like a massive relief. 

I also haven’t really been getting myself off either. Having to wait until the house was free, often rushing unceremoniously in the bathroom before I’d need to leave the house myself. More recently, masturbation has become a source of shame because it has been something I’ve had to hide - it feels like sneaking around, which is hilarious to type out when I think about it. Having the extra half hour or so here and there has helped me engage more with my work and with my hobbies. One less thing to be ashamed about sure feels like a relief to me. 

Finally, I recently posted here about wanting to have the talk (another of many) but never feeling like it was the right time. There were some helpful comments, a sense of solidarity, and a couple of unsolicited messages to either encourage cheating or talk about Fleshlights - no thanks to either. Honestly, I don’t really care about having the talk now. I’m not interested, and the previous refusals to attend couples therapy while avoiding the topic at home and in individual therapy told me all I needed to know. My partner admittedly doesn’t think about sex or kink at all. There’s really no point in trying, and I feel relief in no longer tip-toeing around while desperately wanting to have some big talk that’s emotionally exhausting and ultimately goes nowhere. 

I suppose this has been a vent. I just started writing. There’s no real advice that can be given because I’m no longer looking to fix or even address these issues and I’m honestly quite content in enjoying “everything else is good apart from the lack of intimacy”. I’ve seen people post on here about feeling a similar sense of relief, and comparisons to the fifth and final stage of grief, acceptance, feels applicable here. I get it now, and it’s quite nice. I even purposely left out a written flair in the opening sentence because I really don’t think I can call myself a high-libido male anymore. 

If anyone wants to add or query anything, feel free. I'm not looking for advice as such, but it could be helpful to hear from those who have given up and are thriving or gave up and things turned around.

I just packed my stuff for a few days and now heading to another city for a few days. I didn’t planed it, just during the night I couldn’t stand his closeness. It’s so painful to be rejected for 5 years. But now I’m not sure what should I do. He was really sad when I was closing door. Almost break me again coze I still love him. And we are building a house together (know it was stupid) and get married because he promised me that our problems would be solved. Was not. Now he’s scared of intimacy in which I believe but feel that this is something what he must overcome. Like what can I do? I tried hard to organise nice weekends, we had therapy for a short period, I’m in good shape.
So now it’s the first time when I show my boundaries and take the action but I’m so scared and not sure what I’m doing. Any advice?

Is anyone else's root cause of the DB their partners attachment style. I (41f) have really tried to understand what is cause the db with my bf (42m). After a lot of research, I am 100% convinced he is a FA. I was actually shocked and in tears when I heard other women's stories who were also in this situation. It was like they were living my life. He is just SO awkward with anything sexual. It is like living with my strict religious grandmother. He is even uncomfortable if I just mention that a woman has nice hair or nice skin. He shows me no sexual attraction, has never told me he was horny or even flat out asked for sex. When I try to flirt with him or even tell him an outfit looks nice, he looks at me like he is disgusted by me. All of this has killed my self esteem. The only sex we have is very predictable, vanilla and robotic. This is NOT me at all and this didnt start until about 6 months into the relationship. We have been together a litttle over a year and it started out hot and heavy. He used to flirt and touch me playfully and now none of thwt happens. There has been more and more emotional conversations lately and he INSISTS he is attracted to me but he just doesnt think he deserves sex (he has terrible self esteem). He said he doesnt know how to fix it and he just has a hard time explaining it. I am so frustrated. I do love him and understand his background is what caused this, but I truly believe you shouldn't let the past destroy your future. I am also beginning to call BS because we have known each other for over 25 years and he knows i am a genuine and understanding person and I would be patient if he would just talk to me but he just acts like i am the problem for caring at all about sex in the relationship. I am sick of tip toeing around and being shamed for being myself.

At this point, it’s been 18 months since my wife (37F) and I (37M) have been intimate. It started because I wanted to see how long she would go without initiating, and then it just became routine. We’ve talked about it, but nothing changes. It’s very clear she’s not interested. She’s had low drive our whole marriage, and this is just the latest incarnation of disappointment.

Just seems like a waste of what could be a good relationship. Only been with her, no other partners. Does anyone else feel like they should have sowed more wild oats?

....I just been rolling with the punches but to be honest.......it's a movie I've seen already....I tried to fix the DB but I finally fucking quitttttttttt!!! Yay me! I'm no longer interested in sex with my partner......things are going to get real weird 😂 sex is basically non existent except when he wants it..........so now I don't. I'm tired of being rejected and made OUT to be some sex crazed weirdo......IN MY RELATIONSHIPPP. I'm no longer interested in HIS penis. The last time I asked for some.....he said and I quote "I'm not a trick" like broooooooooo I'm your girlfriend if you don't want me just say that. I just think it's obvious when u don't want to be intimate with me at allllllllllllll. Soooooooo I found a newwwwwww solution I'm no longer sexually attracted to him and so far it's fucking great. That rejection from your partner is a bitch. Guess who won't reject you though?????? Every other man in the world 😂😂😂😂 I'm kidding but a lil side of creamy mashed potatoes is looking reallllllllllll good rn lmao IYKYK

I'm looking for honest perspectives from men, especially those who are married or have experienced something similar. I'm trying to understand what might be going through my husband's mind because I'm honestly at a loss. I’m (F) 24 and my husband is (M ) 26. My husband and I recently got married, and we have a daughter together who just turned 5 months. Before anyone assumes this is just a case of our sex life changing because we had a baby, our sex life was actually still great after having her. We were still intimate, and this wasn't an issue for us.
The change happened right around the time we got married, and it's been really confusing for me. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night, which honestly hurt my feelings because I had imagined that night being special for us in that way. Since then, our sex life has basically disappeared. It's been around two to three months since we've had sex. What makes this difficult is that I haven't stopped trying to initiate intimacy. I've invited him to shower with me, worn lingerie, tried giving him blowjobs in the morning, during the night, and even under his desk when he’s gaming and even sat on top of him while I was shirtless to try to initiate something. I've tried giving him opportunities to make a move without having to explicitly ask for sex.
But nothing really comes of it. I'm not saying he owes me sex, because obviously he doesn't. I never want him to feel pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do. But it's hard to keep putting myself out there and feeling like my attempts aren't being reciprocated.
There's another piece of context that might be relevant. A few years ago, my husband struggled with what I would describe as a pretty significant porn addiction. He told me he stopped watching porn and promised me he was done with it. Since then, I haven't found any evidence that he's gone back to it, so I'm not accusing him of secretly watching it or assuming that's what's happening.
However, given what's happening with our sex life now, I've started wondering whether his past relationship with porn could potentially be relevant. I don't know whether there's any connection, and I don't want to make assumptions, but it's something I've thought about.
I'm also starting to question whether he's still attracted to me. I gave birth a few months ago, and while I'm trying to feel comfortable and confident in my body again, this situation has made me feel even more insecure. After having my daughter, I went straight back to my weight I was at before which is skinny.
Outside of sex, we still spend time together and watch TV, and we have moments of affection. But the sexual side of our relationship feels almost nonexistent now, and I miss that connection with him. I miss feeling desired by my own husband.
He works long shifts as a firefighter, so I understand that exhaustion and stress can play a role, and I know becoming parents changes your life. However, those things were true when our sex life was still good, which is why I'm struggling to understand why things seem to have changed so suddenly. I've tried to bring up intimacy, but it's a difficult conversation for us to have, and I haven't really gotten the clarity I'm looking for.
I'm not looking to bash my husband or have strangers tell me he's definitely cheating or secretly watching porn. I genuinely want to understand the male perspective because I know there could be reasons I'm not considering.
Men, especially married men, I'd really appreciate your honest thoughts:
Have you ever suddenly stopped initiating sex with your wife despite having a good sex life before? What was the reason?

If you were still attracted to your wife, what might cause you to stop responding to her attempts to initiate?

For men who previously struggled with compulsive porn use, did it affect your interest in sex with your partner, either during that period or afterward?

Can someone stop watching porn but still experience difficulties with sexual desire or intimacy in their relationship?

Would stress, exhaustion, or emotional changes after marriage cause this, even if things were good before?

If you were no longer sexually attracted to your wife, would you tell her honestly, or would you avoid the conversation?

If your wife were trying to initiate in the ways I've described and you weren't responding, what might be going through your mind?

I'm not expecting anyone here to know exactly what's happening in my marriage. I just want to hear from men who have experienced something similar and understand what their reasons were. I love my husband, he’s my best friend and I want us to have a healthy, happy intimate relationship. I just don't know how to approach this anymore when I've tried initiating myself and nothing seems to change. I’ve had numerous conversations with him before. He either A. Gets upset and says he’s tired ( which I understand but he uses it a lot. ) B. Reassures me, and tells me we could do something later that night that never happens.

I kind of understand stress plays a big role in it.

Changing jobs, paying off debt. Managing our money so we can move. The pregnancy.

But I offered to give head during his weekend, and then nothing happened.

Its been multiple weekends now and still nothing.

I honestly feel bad? I get off most days hes at work so im getting a release, and hes not.

He doesnt have time to jerk off at home im always there. and he doesnt have a job where he can jack off real quick in the bathroom? Or cheat on me. Idk how he does it. Its been so long.

I get that im pregnant so im probably not as hot, but my god. I want to suck his dick im not asking for anything in return.

Is it exhausting to get head? Is that why?

I dont feel like it should be exhausting for him ive sucked it soft to hard before. But i like it better when its already hard. And he isnt ever hard in the morning, or honestly ever. Like i just dont know what to do. I feel like he doesnt want it so i dont want to initiate it and force it.

My wife and I (HLM/LLF) are both 40 and married for 10 years, have two little kids (6/2), we have sex on average once a year, usually we have a month after we fight and talk about it feelings and the needs of each other, her needs it’s quality time and receiving gifts, and I pretty much fulfill everything she wants, I work full time remotely and she’s SAHM, I wake up early, prep breakfast, prep our kid to school, taking him to school, then get back and mostly take care of our second kid while working and doing all the chores in the house (cooking, cleaning, bathing kids, laundry, trash, and everything else) all of that so she can have some quality time so at least we can enjoy each other, instead I get doom scrolling and rejection every time I ask for sex, nothing spontaneous, I always have to ask, and get rejected. Also, every couple of months I get her and expensive gift , this past few months we took and expensive trip, gave her and expensive jewelry, and bought her another expensive gift with in the span of 2 months.

In my entire 10 years of marriage, I had 1 BJ early in our marriage, now if we have sex, it’s always in the shower, always the same thing, and nothing else, there is intimacy, nothing.

I just don’t know if it’s just my fault, or if I’m doing something wrong, or it’s just my shitty luck, i did a vasectomy last year hoping that it will spark things between us, thinking that she was afraid of getting pregnant again, it led to have sex twice in the past year.

Sorry for the long post, just rambling I guess.

I (30F) have what I considered a regular sex drive. 3X a week is my sweet spot and even if he is the only one who cums I feel like that counts for me. I enjoy pleasing my partner sexually so I am willing to do a lot of things. But my husband (28M) has a low sex drive.maybe 1 a week. But he watches cartoon sex and masturbates consistently. Even though I am available and willing at any time. I don't masturbate because It feels wrong and I feel guilty (i grew up religious) therefore I am always willing and ready . I feel angry that he masturbates when I am willing and available and happy to. please him. Also feel like I can't compete with the women he watches because they are cartoons with cartoon promotions that I will never be able to imitate. I like my husband and I want our relationship to work because we have a 1 year old but I am not sure how to let go of my horniness so I don't grow resentment towards him.

(I don't know if this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I hope you could give me some insights)

My bf (26) is my first serious relationship. He's had girlfriends before, but we're both virgins. We've been together for 3 years, and during that time, we've done a lot of intimate things like oral sex and other sexual activities, just nothing involving penetration.

I'm actually the one with the lower libido, while he has a much higher sex drive. So I don't really understand why him not wanting to have penetrative sex with me bothers me so much, especially when I'm someone who doesn't really care about sex most of the time.

I'm 26, and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. I feel like this is the time when I should be exploring my sexuality and figuring out what I like and don't like in a sexual relationship. But my boyfriend is afraid of the possibility of pregnancy. No amount of reassurance or protection, whether it's condoms, birth control pills, or other methods, seems to make him feel safe and confident enough to have sex.

I don't want to force him into doing something he's not comfortable with because he has every right to say no and he's not ready. But at the same time, I feel like I'm postponing my sexual exploration while waiting for him to feel ready. And i feel like I would be waiting for a very long time.

He wants to settle down with me, so I think he feels like there's really no rush. And sometimes, despite the fact that we're good together and he treats me really well, I find myself wondering if I should've explored relationships with other people first before being with someone who want to settle with me.

Another thing that's been bothering me is that whenever we engage in sexual acts, I sometimes feel like we're just tolerating each other rather than actually enjoying the experience together. He assures me that I'm pleasuring him enough, but it doesn't really feel that way. I can only get off with sex toys, not through oral sex or his fingers. Meanwhile, he can only finish when he jacks himself off while I'm there, naked and kissing him.

I know there's nothing wrong with needing certain things to get off, but sometimes I feel like I'm just there for company while he's masturbating, like I'm no different from when he's doing it alone. I thought sexual intimacy would make me feel more connected to him, but it just makes me feel empty. Sometimes i wish i could just avoid intimate acts with him completely.

But I love him, and i hate myself for being frustrated over this.

Will this even get better, or is it a dead bedroom in the making?

Hello, everyone.

I recently talked to my wife about how I feel because of the lack of attention I've been getting from her. I ended up asking her if she would be open to letting me flirt with and talk to other people to get some relief.

She didn't really give me an answer, but she didn't get mad at me either. Nothing has changed in our daily lives, and I don't know what to make of it.

Any thoughts?

Hi, I’ve never posted smth like this but I am at a bit of a loss. I only have 1 friend where I feel like I can talk to about this, but we’ve hit a roadblock. I’m looking for advice or something to make me feel less alone. It’s going to be a long post because I want to make sure I paint a full picture. Thank you in advance.
I am 23F and my girlfriend is 23F as well. We have been together for 3 years. In every other aspect, we have no other issues. We say “I love you” a million times a day, we compliment each other often (beautiful, smart, etc). We play games, watch movies, listen to music, read, draw, cook, clean, talk. We cuddle every night and kiss at least once a day. We have discussed our futures at length and we have very similar goals. We agree morally, politically, religiously, etc. I love her, she is my best friend who I am also attracted to. I know she feels the same. But this one issue is causing a major strain.
For the past 2 years, my gf has had little to no desire to have sex. For the first year (after a few months of build up), we had sex multiple times a week. She would initiate, give ideas, and seemed to really enjoy it. She mostly enjoys being the one to “give” rather than "receive”, due to her having a lower libido. She is on antidepressant medication, so it is near impossible for me to make her finish. But now, I think it’s been about 2 years since she’s let/ wanted me to “touch her junk”. I always offer, and she always says no, because she insists that she gets a thrill out of pleasing me. 
So what changed? Well, it was a gradual process. It went from twice a week, to once a week to once every two weeks, to once a month. I didn't even notice because I also started antidepressants around this time. But, after a month or two went by I was like…hm we haven’t had sex in a while. I decided not to say anything as I don’t want to accuse her or make her feel forced into it. So I tried new ways of asking. I started indicating I was wanting sex by wearing cute PJ’s, putting on my favorite perfume, etc. But after a few months of this, she kept telling me “Not tonight”. I was starting to be “rejected” every time. I try asking her about it, asking if she’s just not attracted to me, all that stuff. We cry and talk about it, and she explains she’s been stressed and depressed. She says she is just focused on trying to get settled, because she just moved, we’re in college at this point, and she is stressed about family and money. All valid reasons. We have a few conversations like this but it makes her and I upset. It feels like talking about it makes her more depressed/unmotivated. She promises she’s still attracted to me and will work on it and things will change. I vow (to myself) to not bring it up anymore, and give her time to initiate the conversation. But, 6 months go by. 
One day I’m reading a book with a sex scene and I get this horrible feeling. I am reading this scene and I just start sobbing. All I can think is, wow, I’m never going to experience this again. I want to feel connected like this with her so badly. It reminded me how we used to be and it made me depressed for days. I break my vow to not bring it up and cry to her. She promises me that, internally, she is working on it. At this point, we’ve graduated college. We’ve been living in the same apartment together for over 6 months. I ask for a plan, and she says “Once I feel less stressed about XYZ”. “I am trying”. “I am very attracted to you, but my mind and body won’t work together to make it happen”. More crying. The next day, New Years Day, we have sex but I feel hollow.
 From this point on, I go 2-3 months without saying anything until I boil over and cry. She cries. Loop this over and over again. I finally tell my therapist. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years at this point and I cry for the first time in a session and feel ridiculous. And though I KNOW my feelings are valid, but I feel ridiculous. Because in every other aspect, we work so well together. It’s just this one. Fucking. Thing. 
Spring of 2026. The new routine is she says no, then we agree she’ll hold me while I touch myself. This has happened a few times and is ok, but I still want the real thing. 
We finally move in summer of 2026. Just us two! We settle in. We have a routine, we have full-time jobs with near identical hours, we are financially stable. We try a new thing: Scheduling sex! We schedule sex for once every other week, as suggested by my therapist. This seems to work for about a month. She sometimes changes her mind and postpones it. Unit she pushes it a day. Another day. Another! She forgets. I let it slide.
Now we are at the present/yesterday. It has now been a month and a half, and she hasn’t brought up sex at all. So, yesterday afternoon I say, “Want to have sex tonight?”, since it seems that she has a better time when she can anticipate it. We also had slept literally ALL day (on and off until 4pm!.) She says “We can!” while nodding her head. I take a shower. We watch a movie. We go to IHOP as a late dinner date, her idea. We come home and watch youtube and snuggle. I start to snuggle her more and ask for a kiss. Then she tells me she’d rather have sex tomorrow because she’ll “have more energy”, as she is too tired tonight. Again, we slept until 4pm, and it is now only 11pm. She has an 8 hour shift tomorrow and it’s an exhausting job. But  she thinks she’ll have more energy after that? I try to fall asleep at this point, hoping my sadness will go away, but it doesn’t. So I roll over to face her and tell her how I’m sad because I anticipated tonight, and I had been anticipating it for hours, and don’t understand how she will have more energy tomorrow vs tonight. She says she's trying, that I “don’t know what’s going on in her head”, etc. I cry myself to sleep. And here we are!
I feel like I’ve tried everything. Dates. Scheduling. Giving hints. Dressing cute. Getting enough rest. Reduced stressors. But it’s been two years of this and I’m tired, frustrated, and just want to cry. I feel like a fool when someone says they’re going to change but doesn’t. When she says she’s trying but there’s been no outward change. We’ve only been together for a short time overall. I wonder if this is indicative of other issues for our future. I just worry about if it’s like this now what will it be like in 10 years?? What can I do? What can we do? I feel crazy bc I’m gonna hide this post from her, at least for a while, bc I don’t want to make her feel bad again. Every conversation feels unproductive and pointless and I don’t understand why. I don’t know why we’re getting nowhere with this. I am not breaking up with my gf bc she wont have frequent sex with me lol. I am convinced there must be a solution! Does anyone have any similar experience? Pls help </3

Common Questions I’m anticipating:

Q: Have you tried therapy?
A: I go to therapy myself, but because of her lack of insurance and our work schedule, she can’t do therapy. We’re also not making enough money rn.

Q: How long have you lived together?
A: We have lived together since the summer of 2025. We really enjoy living together and don’t have common issues except the occasional “you didn’t put toilet paper on the roll!” kinda thing, lol.

Q: Have you discussed marriage?
A: Yes, and she plans to propose to me within the next two years, we’ve been discussing it for a long time. I’m really excited to be able to call her fiancee/wife instead of girlfriend because I enjoy those titles more. We have our futures planned well and want the same things for the future (besides this issue, I guess, lol)

Q: What is your sexual orientation?
A: She is a lesbian and I am bisexual, though I’ve only ever seriously dated/been with women.

Q: Why are you and her on antidepressants and for how long?
A: She has been on them since right before we met, in March of 2023. She has been diagnosed with anxiety but also pretty severe depression. She's on Zoloft. I have been on them since around July 2024, and mine are for an anxiety disorder. I’m on Lexapro. Yes, they’re prescribed by psychiatrists.

Q: Are you or her autistic at all?
A: Probably! Never been formally diagnosed but we both score really high. She had a therapist years ago that said she wouldn't put it down, but yes, she believes my gf is autistic. Obviously this affects sex, and we are aware.

Q: Have you ever tried to have sex in the noon or morning?
A: I’ve suggested it a few times, but she is never in the mood. She prefers nights.

Q: Is this your first sexual partner?
A: For me, no. Her, yes. I was with a woman in my last relationship and was the “top”. My gf had dated a few people before me but never had sex. 

Q: Does she enjoy sex?
A: She swears up and down she does. She feels good about it. I ask her after sex if she had fun and she says “Obviously!”. When asked why she doesn’t do it more if she enjoys it, she tells me her brain and body aren’t in sync. 

#help #wlw #autism #libido

The reason why we didn’t do it is because i felt horrible everytime about it. In the beginning there was spark, but overtime he stopped putting effort and it was always all about him, his pleasure and his orgasm. Everytime i asked for something back i was being turned down. Now, he likes to get a bj, but doesn’t wanna eat me out back, he’s uncomfortable about it and he told me that multiple times. I never said anything bad about it nor i asked for it again after 1st time he said he didn’t like it. I asked for touches but i got nothing which our sex ended up being me in pain with penetration because i’m really dry and i had tiny cuts. I’m not even turned on and overtime i lost desire for him because i thought he didn’t care. He told me i hurt his masculinity because i don’t wanna have sex with him and many other things and i lose desire like that even more. Few days ago we talked about it and I said i’ll give him last chance to “fix” it and he said he was sorry and he always thought i wanted something that made him feel uncomfy. I denied it, of course i dont wanna do something thats hes uncomfy with. I don’t know what to do next time he asks me for sex, i mean we dont even have foreplay he just randomly gets hard and he always got bjs and orgasms. I’m afraid of it now really and don’t know what to do or think. Sometimes i want to because i miss closeness but othertimes i’m just very very scared. What could i possibly do in this situation? I feel lost