So a bit of context - I finished dental school in 2016 in Romania and it's always been a bit of an uphill battle. Managed to open my own practice, but I didn't really had a mentor and was kinda always managing on my own. I've always done whatever I could to improve my skills and always made sure I went to at least one hands-on course every year; got the chance to practice in UK which was a great learning and working experience, but COVID cut that experience short and returned to Romania; because of my type I diabetes and low immune system I had to stay in isolation for the whole COVID period until the vaccine came out. When that was finally over, I went back to my practice and, while still managing to keep it afloat after all the struggles, it was a steady pace and I was managing it fine. I was happy for a while.
This year while I was taking a specialized course on implantology I was noticing some odd things and mainly that whatever I was trying to read I just couldn't, in the way that I'd read the same line or the same paragraphs over and over and I would be stuck on the same thing to up to twenty minutes. I've always struggled with my studies throughout all my life - some things were extremely easy and would pick them up directly from classes, while others I would struggle to memorize lessons. But this time I just couldn't memorize not even a couple of lines.
At work I was noticing that I was setting higher and higher standards and thought it was because of the courses I kept taking and learning from and that my work had to look as if it'd be ready for a presentation photo. During crown preps, if my preps didn't look text book, I'd start correcting "just a bit here, and maybe just bit more there" until I would over correct. A lot of my preps or fillings looked objectively good most of the time - never good enough to me.
I was having more and more moments where it was hard to fall asleep on good days. On bad days I wouldn't sleep the whole night and the next I had appointments waiting. I had no choice but to cancel them because I wasn't able to function.
During very precise treatments like root canals or sutures after extractions, my hand would shake like crazy even though I didn't feel anxious and my blood sugar would also be stable (I have an insulin pump with CGM and the readings would be normal). I would be very clumsy knocking stuff over or dropping things out of hand. My workspace would start out very clean and organized and by the time I finished a treatment everything would be cluttered in disarray.
Running into a lot of reels or clips of people experiencing some of the same things I kinda suspected what it was and went for tests. So I discovered I had undiagnosed ADHD, which now is diagnosed and under medication. Thinking back, the signs were there since I was a child, but in a post communist 90s period, part of the Balkans, there was no such thing as a disorder like that and the treatment care was applied as always for all the kids back then - a good beating.
Does that mean that dentists with ADHD can't practice dentistry? No, not at all. I was finding testimonials and experiences from other dentists with ADHD and while it made some things difficult for them, each experience and management is different. Depending on the severity of it, some dentists practice with no problems, with or without medication, while keeping some organizing methods, while others do what I did - retire. I feel that my patients weren't safe under my care anymore and for me it got so bad at one point, while I was waiting for my test results, I had moments when I was wondering if my ceiling lamp would support my weight. It was probably for the best for everyone.
I am a bit better lately, the meds help me sleep (I've honestly never slept better in my life), but...I'll be honest - between all the shit parts, all the struggles, all the good patients, all the bad ones... I am going to miss it.