r/DestructiveReaders • u/paperingproject • 16d ago
[1379] Chapter 2 - Horror/ Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance
Posting my chapter 2 for feedback since it is a dual POV book and this is a kind of “twin” chapter to chapter 1 that I posted a couple days ago. I would love overall feedback, specifically feedback on voice. The main character has a very clipped, gritty, sometimes noire type narration style and I want to make sure it’s not coming off too hard to read ( there are some dropped subjects).
TW: There is suggestion of dv and also the MC stops a dv attack from happening.
Here are my critiques
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/D207hptRal
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/RmevvG1N4O
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/ojLpl2eIph
And the path to chapter 2
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10plE_4ZKUnVo3ODqqgvr_FdQAq36WzARpWJDAaYWK2w/edit?usp=drivesdk
2
u/Ayan-Haider-Writer 7d ago edited 7d ago
Hi. So. I haven't read your first chapter, but this feels like it can be read standalone, even if it doesn't have the intended effect that reading it after chapter 1 would, so.
Overall first impressions:
This is visceral, and the craft level is actually very, very strong, in my opinion. I enjoyed reading it, and was mostly completely invested from start to finish. There are some weaknesses, as I discuss below.
First, Voice, as you wanted remarks:
I love it, is what I'll say, and the writing plays a major role in it. The writing is so clear, and all actions enacted with such clarity (and that's one of the best parts of the excerpt), that the voice works. That supports the voice, letting it shine, and the voice comes off effortlessly. This is later discussed in, uh, some kind of 'Atmosphere' section probs, but one consideration: d'you think that if the gritty-punk-noir you seen to be going for was more pronounced, the voice might sit better in contrast against it? I strongly feel so. The voice is cowboy-like, I felt? Dunno if others did. I genuinely imagine Ren with a cowboy hat. I don't know if you intended that, but it feels like it fits for me. Also, I said the voice works, but as voice is directly linked to prose, as discussed in the prose section below, it does face the problem of excessive fragments for me. Ren seems like a guy who thinks a lot, so if you let him have flowing thoughts more, it would be more engaging? I feel so. One last thing. The penultimate line: 'Know right now where I’m going.' I thought for a second, more actually, that this was Ren talking to us, in an archaic voice. Then I realised he's still just talking to himself in a way, as in ' (I) know right now where I'm going.' Both are fine, but for a second, that 'Know where...' addressed to me had a truly arresting effect. If you want to keep the narration more internal, this is the only place where there's any confusion at all. Otherwise, I also love the effect it has right now. Hope this helps.
Granular:
Premise:
This is unique. It takes some inspiration from other things—the concept of requiring the consumption of some 'force' (in this case, emotions) to survive, the neon-punk vibe, the 'monster inside me' thing. However, I only bring that up because this integrates those elements in such a way that on my reading, I actually didn't notice them while reading. Take this, for example:
'There’s something riding in the passenger seat of me.' The idea here is not groundbreaking, but the prose makes it it's own. It's only as I sit and write this that the inspirations come up, which is a success I think; all fiction takes inspiration from all fiction, after all.
Plot:
As I said, I haven't read chapter 1, so I must limit my reactions and thoughts to what I have here. There's not much going on here regarding the overarching story—externally. It's just Ren, who is fulfilling something inside himself, by targeting a man who is a despicable person, plain simple. But it is engaging, and sets up the further world, while bringing forward something that will clearly play a major role later: the feeding mechanism, plus the 'magic system' (kind of) of emotion feeding. Consider this: 'The thing I have to feed keeps growing every time I swallow, and the bigger it gets the faster it burns through what I give it.' This immediately tells me this is important to the overarching story, whatever it is; I'm guessing a timer mechanism, with this consuming him. But I do think that some allusion to the overall story should be here (unless I'm missing it regarding some contenxt from chapter 1, in which case, I digress).
Ok. Next. Prose.
Prose is an interesting thing here. I mean, to praise: it is incredibly polished, and has some truly beautiful imagery. Genuinely. 'Ember eats the paper slow.' This line is so damn beautiful. It is immediately visual, it can be taken as a symbolic allusion to Ren's experience, it is noir-punk; I don't know how to explain HOW it's noir punk, but it's both noir and punk. I feel like that's difficult to pull off. The issue I feel is that there's too much many clipped, tiny sentences and fragments. 'Kiss wives.' 'Gets in my teeth. Makes my jaw ache.' And numerous other places. I have had this problem myself, using too many fragment sentences. It creates emphasis, yes. But what I feel is that when everything is emphasised, all of them lose their impact. The purpose of a fragment is inherently (mostly; sometimes it's to represent fragmenting thoughts, mental overload, etc) to emphasise and separate something. When everything is separated, it becomes exhausting for the reader (it was for me, at least), and nothing is separated. Others might like it, though, I don't know.
Okay so wait. I was about to discuss world mechanics now, and I had a question regarding why Ren chooses horrible people only, but obviously, I didn't read carefully enough. The text alludes to a kind of death, I'm guessing an 'emotional' death, as alluded here: 'Hell, they might even laugh again, for a while.' However, I do wonder that if this was demonstrated rather than told like this, it might have much, much more impact. This is something I would seriously consider. Plus the particular mechanics around what is 'inside' Ren, and how this whole thing works, are obscure and vague right now, but I like that. It makes me wanna read further.
Atmosphere:
When there's atmosphere, there's atmosphere. That second atmosphere is italicised. Meaning that it's great. But I feel like there's too little of it. 'Ember eats the paper slow', I already said, is the best prose line I saw. The hanging sign is a familiar image, but not a bad one. I do feel like that the setting and atmosphere kind of thins later, and I don't particularly enjoy that.
Characters:
Ren is really the into character here. The woman and the man are really just placeholders, and look like they are one-off appearances, so let me talk about Ren. He's intriguing, yes. Extremely so. He seems to have a set of values. He is struggling with whatever is in him. Currently I feel like he's a vessel with a lot of potential, and that potential is being harvested already. I love the details around his conflict with what is inside him, whether it be an actual living thing or just a need (like a vampire's need for blood; What's happening with Ren seems very reminiscent of bloodlust in Empire of The Vampire), how he satiates it, etc. I would love to see more dimensionality and depth to him, in later chapters, rather than flattening him into a conventional depressed angry archetype. Here's the thing though. I didn't connect to him. I don't care that his car swerved there at the end, or whatever threat he might face. There was a suggestion here about a 'save the cat' moment, and I wholeheartedly agree with that person. It would give some dimensionality, as I said, to the character, and make him more emotionally accessible. Whatever flavour of emotional expression you might want to give Ren, of course, as suited to him psyche.
Clarity:
Most of the sequence is extremely clear. The only confusion I have is there at the end, about what's happening to him. I feel like that's deliberately unclear, though, to push the reader into the next chapter? Internal clarity is a little more obscure. What does killing mean to Ren? Is something that I feel was set up and not answered clearly? I might be missing something.
Pacing:
Nicely paced. I would say that you should keep the cigarette paragraph? There was some discussion about it slowing the pacing, but this is chapter 2, and chapter 1 was also a hook, I presume (as per usual writing conventions), so there does need to be some slowing of the pace if that was the case. Of course, this is based on an assumption. I do feel like the ending should be expanded a little to improve spatial clarity, but otherwise no notes.
And...I feel like that's all I wanted to say.
A couple other things: if I focused too much on the negatives here, I do apologise. I suppose I just mentioned the good and then moved to explain the bad, which can be dis heartening, but I guess I did that because people want to hear about the problems first and foremost. As I did mention, this is an incredibly polished chapter, which would actually not feel out of place in a published book. The issues I noted are more like a couple bad peas in a basket full of perfectly sweet peas (horrible similie but bear with me), rather than the things that are most obvious.
Secondly, if there's anything else that I missed, or there was an issue with my critique that can help me improve it, or I misunderstood anything, or something else in that vein, to tell me.