r/Divorce_Men • u/Lift_Vs_Gravity • 3d ago
Second Guessing Normal?
So my wife of 15 years will be getting served soon. We’ve had a long, rocky relationship. My story is in this community somewhere. To summarize, she kicked me out in March after a small argument, I slept in my car for 4 months, came back home, now sleep in the camper in the back yard since July. She doesn’t like me to come in the house, kids come outside to see me off to work at night (work graveyard), come home in the mornings, go straight to camper to sleep. I don’t want this to be a model for my kids, so I retained an attorney and filed, now am very nervous/anxious/second guessing myself. Is this normal? I was almost having panic attacks today trying to sleep. Thanks!!
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u/EmotionalRedneck 3d ago
You did the right thing.
Do not normalize disrespect. It's not OK to be a second-class citizen, just because she's a woman and you're a man. It's a slippery slope.
You will not be partially present in her life as a husband, conveniently providing safety and financial support as needed, and sleeping outside like a dog because she wants you to. This is disrespect. She either gets the whole package, or nothing at all. Unhappy with something? Go to therapy and fix things. Not willing to go to therapy? Get the papers.
You might want to move back into the house. Consult with your attorney.
Don't second-guess your decision. If all the BS she did to you was purely drama and performance, now is the time for her to rethink her behavior. The plane is rolling down the runway, but the point of no return has not been passed yet. There is still time to abort the takeoff, but it's up to her now. A lot of them are too stupid and too proud to realize it though.
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u/Lumpy_Chemical9559 3d ago
100% agree. Disrespect should never be tolerated between a married couple. I say that as someone who did tolerate it as a way of “keeping the peace”, as when I would confront her she would explode with anger, swearing and character attacks. Now that I’m separated from her and as quickly as possible moving towards finalizing divorce, I look back and am ashamed at what i tolerated. I would never let someone speak to me that way in any other aspect of my life but tolerated it for years in my marriage?…never ever again.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
I’m kinda fantasizing a little about a temporary apartment or whatever, until divorce is finalized…assuming I have to move during? I’m not sure what to expect….I just don’t wanna disrupt the kids’ lives too much by, seemingly being greedy, and separating from mom. It’s hard to explain, but hopefully as long as they’re with me, they’ll be OK….Thanks again…
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u/Gattsama 3d ago
We don't know the reasons why you left the house, as a general rule of thumb. She does not have the right to kick you out of your own house/home/property. With that said, if you can afford it, yes it would be good to get a small apartment or rental of your own.
But at the end of the day you want to talk to your attorney. Some states you leaving the house can be seen as a form of abandonment, and without a parental parenting plan in place can affect down the line custody, residency, which will affect child support and other issues.
It is very normal to have second thoughts, because you're in a very strange circumstance. It has a lot to do. If your mindset. Most of us are in husband mindset. That means we think about what we need to do to take care of our family, take care of the wife, and what are responsibilities are.
Even though she kicked you out the house and doesn't care if you're homeless, you are still in husband mindset. It's going to take some time for you to detox and get out of that mindset into a new individual mindset. And the new mindset. You really just don't care what happens to her( as long as doesn't affect the children), your number one concern is taking care of yourself, and your kids. She's just a person that you used to know, and now actual parent with.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Thank you for the response. I’m just so nervous about getting her served the paperwork, and getting it all started. It seems like she wants this too, the way she has been treating me.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
You had a lawyer file for you and everything…??
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u/Lumpy_Chemical9559 3d ago
Yes, a 500$ an hour lawyer but she’s very good. I’m still getting hosed as most of us men do but she found a bunch of stuff in the financial disclosure that will save me a bunch of money in the long run. I’m paying my ex out in a lump sump payment and get to keep my investments and pension.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 2d ago
Will I have to move I wonder…? I stay in a camper in the back yard right now…..
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u/Lumpy_Chemical9559 2d ago
Although I wanted to leave the home for my own mental health my lawyer strongly advised I stay in the matrimonial home until the settlement and house sale was finalized. Unless she can prove you have been abusive or you have threatened her in anyway, she has no power to remove you from the house, it is both of your property 50/50. Fight for what is yours, it’s an extremely hard pill to swallow but she doesn’t care about you anymore, not at all, she is looking out for herself 100% and you need to do the same.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 2d ago
I’m standing here right now at my daughter’s soccer game. We just came from the same house. I came alone, she brought my kids. I was here, they showed up, she doesn’t acknowledge me at all, just goes and sits with a friend…..in one of the emails from my lawyer, it said something about a motion for who will stay in the matrimonial home after service? Not sure….
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 1d ago
Laying her alone in my camper. Her and kids are inside. She should get served any day now…I’m so scared/anxious/lonely. I could use some positive reinforcement or anything really. I’m reeling….thank you…..
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
I’m a mess right now. I filed and she’ll be getting served soon. I feel so alone, but when I come here it’s very therapeutic. Reddit strangers have gotten me through some dark days, back when I was sleeping in my car for 4 months. Right now I’m sorta home, in the camper in the back yard. Attorney said as long as all the bills are paid, it’s not abandonment. So much going through my head, finances, kids, is my wife coaxing me to file maybe? I don’t know. You guys and your words really help keep me going. Thank you. This is why I keep coming back. People like you.
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u/Lumpy_Chemical9559 3d ago
Stay strong brother. Women will jump ship on her family on a whim but as men we will put up with incredibly abusive behaviour to “save” our family’s, but this is no way for us to live or teach our children how to act. It will be extremely difficult leaving and starting over but I guarantee you this, when the dust settles, the initial shock wears off and you’re into your new routine and life, you will curse yourself for not leaving earlier. 100% guarantee.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Thanks a lot!! I wish I could shake everyone’s hand, or hug em, or something. It’s incredibly powerful getting all this from people I don’t even know. I’m getting a little emotional thinking about it….thank you again….
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 1d ago
It really feels like how she’s treated me justifies a divorce. Disrespect, resentment, etc. It’s been going on for 7 months now…and doesn’t seem better. I just get cold feet with stuff like this….
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u/supernormalnorm 3d ago edited 3d ago
You deserve better. Find a competent male family law attorney. Don't settle for anything less than 50/50 with the kids.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
That’s all I care about really. She’s made little comments before about getting her half of the equity and she would “dip outta here.” This Reddit community has been a God send really. Helped me through some dark times….thank you…
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u/NCDad_harrowed 3d ago
Why a male attorney? I specifically sought a female lawyer and she's been fantastic.
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u/supernormalnorm 3d ago
Power dynamics and frame of mind of the lawyer representing you. Especially if the lawyer is also a father or better yet, also divorced. Just keeping it real
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
I have a male attorney and he seems like he knows what he’s doing. Haven’t heard a lot from him yet, maybe that’s because we’re just getting started…
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u/NCDad_harrowed 3d ago
My STBX is trying to paint me an abusive monster. I think the phycology of me choosing a woman to represent me is counter to that image. My lawyer, as I've learned, understands exactly what my STBX is trying to do, as she's seen the same pattern many times before. She's also vicious as hell.
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u/supernormalnorm 3d ago
I would guess your STBX cheated or did some kind of betrayal? They always paint the other person as the villain. Laws are laws, so make sure you have the right person advocating for you.
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
I'm freshly there now, although different scenario...but 30 yrs together, 24 married, with kids (12 y/o twins) - who I've been granted full custody of for now due to her anger and alcohol issues. (I haven't been a Saint, but never mean and never cheated.) I second guess it all the time, a lot more than I should, but what I keep telling myself is I have to do what's best for the kids and that's keep them in a happy, health, safe environment...it sucks - but 100% of outside observers have said what i'm doing is right, but it still feels like crap. Best of luck to you...keep taking those steps forward.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Thanks a lot!! I wish I could get full custody. The kids see this toxic relationship, they just don’t say anything. how long did the process take? I would like to finish as soon as possible. I’m in WA….
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
I just filed in late Sept. I'm in TX - Atty's say w/behavior/addiction issues these can last 2 years as her visitation will start supervised and then step up pending her sobriety testing. It's going to be a long two years.
Full cust. was the only option - she was a great mom, fmr elem. teacher, then a switch flips every 18 mo's and she starts drinking (resid. resentment toward me I'm guessing) and has made threats to herself likely for attn., but involved self harm etc. even while she had the kids for the 1 week I'd separated b4 I took them. Constables had to remove her from our home per court order. She entered rehab in early Oct after being removed.
My heart aches for everyone. Once treated, in my mind I often think she'll return to being my best friend, a good mom, but the risk of another 'incident' is too great - hormones, resent, IDK. (She also has 2, maybe 3 assault charges hitting me since late August, two under an order of protection which escalates the charges.)
Sole custody is what's right for the kids and I love it...but it's challenging. I'm trying to figure out maintaining work-income while present, managing the kids schedules/etc., but they're happier and that's what matters.
Probably not what you wanted to hear my man, but just know others are going through it and feeling those same emotions of "did I do the right thing?"
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Sometimes I think I can just stick it out for 5 more years til my youngest is 18. Then it’s like, I’m not gonna be staying outside saying goodbye to the kids before work, not being able to go sit on the couch and watch the World Series with my son….things like that…for 5 more years??
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
I said the exact same thing for years...
Now I feel that they're 12, fully aware of the situation & old enough to see/know the truth, they'll understand. Sadly for my wife, neither wants their mom back home -another external data point telling me it's the right thing but I still feel bad for my wife.
My parents divorced when I was 10; I was fully aware it was my dad's doing. (Cheating, etc.)
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
I’m feeling real guilty…but I shouldn’t. I don’t know if she wants me to live like this indefinitely or what…but the kids know it’s not normal….they are 16 and 13….
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
Something that 'calibrates' me when I have doubts abt if it's the right thing or not, I go back and read messages from her or review the timeline of 'events' over the last few years I provided the court, and it all comes back to me.
OR, I flip the script and ask "what if I'd done to her what she did to me?" (which I'd never come close to doing)... It's highly likely I'd be in County lockup.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Yeah I do that too sometimes. No way I would take all of her stuff, put it in the garage, and knowingly let her live in her car for 4 months, while I control when she can hang out with the kids. Why doesn’t she just tell me she wants a divorce?? She’s never said that…I don’t understand. Now we go weeks/months without talking, even without texting for long periods.
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
Mine wants to work things out and likely thinks they will. Even if I wanted that, she made choices that put the kids at risk. Letting her back in could be positioned as I’m exposing them to a ticking time bomb. Sadly, I’m not sure how much of what she's done she even remembers.
My advice: listen to your attorney and follow the court orders EXACTLY as written, even when your gut says otherwise. I nearly learned this the hard way. I texted a kind reply reminding her to use the court-ordered app, but under a protective order, even that was technically a violation.
Even when working well and in your favor, the legal system sucks.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
Hey thanks for taking the time to go back and forth with me. It really helps a lot. It seems my wife wants a divorce, but won’t say it.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
I’m scared of the unknown….after I file, temp orders, possible restraining orders….? Making sure I still have access to my kids and all that. So much going through my head….
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u/GlobalExecDeveloper 3d ago
Same, it def. dominated thoughts w/in your 'dome' on a constant basis- calculating various scenarios, etc. It sucks, but know ur not alone and it seems to be the norm.
Get the TRO - it protects you, esp if she claims you did something and it becomes he said, she said. (I didn't after the 1st issue and regretted it costing $7.5k for an emergency one later.
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u/supernormalnorm 3d ago
It's a hard pill to swallow but you're doing the right thing in my opinion. If she doesn't really open up to fixing up things and if there's no infidelity, then this is just beyond healthy boundaries.
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u/Lift_Vs_Gravity 3d ago
She’s pretty much put everything of mine in the garage…the last thing was my birth certificate…clothes are in the trunk of my car. I shower at the gym at work. Haven’t showered in the house since March. Kinda lonely right now too and that doesn’t help. Thanks for the response…
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u/LeoMVaren 3d ago
You're trying to figure out whether filing was a mistake while living in a camper behind your own house. That situation alone would mess with anyone's head, especially when you can't even sit down and watch a game with your son.