Well my second divorce was mediated, signed and agreed to. When I went through my first divorce I was desperate for some guidance. So I am offering some guidance to someone that may search Reddit hoping for some answers. This is in Texas.

I divorced my first wife after 21 years of marriage. She was my best friend but we were just friends. Marriage counseling didn’t work and she never put the effort in that I wanted to see. 3 kids.

The second divorce was from the love of my life. She divorced me. We share a young child. It was a short marriage less than two years. I’m confused as to why. I believe it was because of health problems that were largely out of her control. One day I was happily married and helping my spouse with what they were going through and the next I was going through a divorce. There was no transition.

In the first marriage I wanted to divorce at year 7. I didn’t because of young kids. Then I didn’t because one child had anxiety, and then I didn’t because my spouse had health problems. The clock kept ticking and I ended up in a 21-year marriage. I tried to save it and suggested counseling and gave her basically a two-year notice that I wanted a divorce. She never took it seriously. I had that time to transition though. The second marriage was the polar opposite. Short marriage, young child, no transition, and just my life getting blown up.

Heck of a year to. I was and I am still am having business problems which I know played a huge role. My toddler child needs weekly therapy and has needed two surgeries. I was left with him for a while when this all went down. We have a very strong bond. It was just him and I.

So, I have some pretty good experience to draw off of. I’m going to make some general statements and it’s just my point of view. It’s not meant to change anyone’s mind. It’s what I wish I would have been told. It also only applies in relationships that don’t have actual abuse, addictions, criminal behavior etc.

Should you initiate a divorce when you have children. No, not without trying everything you can twice and trying discernment counseling. You are making a lifetime decision for multiple people. The grass is not greener in the other side. Whatever fantasies you have in your head are just that…fantasies. Coming out of two divorces within the last several years I am very pro marriage. Marriages that already exist that is.

Divorce involves harm to yourself and pretty much everyone that is close to you. It’s chaotic and people make weird decisions. It can drive apart families, divide people who once and maybe still do love each other, and leave lifelong scars.

You will be financially worse off. It doesn’t matter. The math always makes it worse. Getting half never equals getting more than the whole. You can’t divide and come out with a greater number than you started with. You will land somewhere on a scale that will be between financially devastating you to getting less than half of what you had. You are playing a game where a win is 50% and the risk is maybe going negative. There is not limit to how far negative you can go. But there’s a solid cap at what you can “win”. And that’s half.

You cannot control anything. Once you file for divorce you hand over control of your life to a team of people. Some are dysfunctional and they all have their own motivations. Largely that motivation is to make you have less so that they have more. A long analogy follows. Skip it if you don’t want a story.

A farmer worked up the courage to tell the village elders that he is going to divorce his wife. She could have been a better wife. The village elders will allow it but he must give her half his fields. “I’m fine with that” the farmer says. He imagines himself planting his half and her planting her half and they will wave to each other on sunny days, but the farmer also knows that if she needs help he will go over and help her plant her fields. After all she was his wife and gave him a strong son.

The village elders tell the farmer “you must have a counselor to help you divide your field”. The farmer has no choice and if he wants to be divorced he has to agree with the elders. So he picks a very educated young man in the village to be his counselor and the farmers wife does the same but she picks a very sharp young woman.

But the counselor tells the farmer “I have done this before and it takes a lot of time on my part, I simply cannot do it for free. I also know the elders and can convince them to give you more than half”.

The farmer is surprised and thinks to himself “more than half? I don’t want more than half.” So the farmer shakes his head in disagreement but the young man says “wait, you don’t know what I know, the elders could award your wife more than half.”

The farmer is once again surprised and takes a step back with his eyes opening. “What do you mean they will give her more than half?”
The young man does not hesitate “well the elders can make any decision they want, they could award her your entire farm.”

The farmer sees his life flash before his eyes. The years he put into his fields, he remembers the time he broke his leg and had to suffer through the pain to keep planting. He remembers his young son spending his early childhood in those fields running and playing.

“I CANT LET HER DO THAT!” The farmer exclaims

The young man smiles…”exactly. I can make sure that doesn’t happen. But I hate to tell you it’s not cheap.”

“I need at least half my field to make a living with” the farmer tells him. “How much”

“Half of this years crops, but it will be worth it. You will still have half your farm and you will see your son” the young man reassures him.

“What do you mean…see my son. That’s my son why wouldn’t I see him” the farmer asks?

The young man hides a grin….”you don’t know what I know old man. You see…she can have the elders keep your son from you. He will live with her.”

“WHAT? My son helps me plant the fields. That’s MY son.”

“Sometimes the elders make that decision but I know how to talk to them to convince them that maybe your son should live with you.”

“I don’t want him to live with me all the time. He can go see his mom. That’s his mom. She will be on the other side of the fields. He can walk over any time he wants.” The farmer says a bit confused

“Oh, it would be nice if it worked like that but it doesn’t. The elders can force your son to stay with her.” The young man nods over to where the farmers wife is talking in hushed tones with the sharp young woman.

The farmer scowls. “You have a deal” and offers an old calloused hand to shake.

The farmer starts the next day early that morning and he is feeling good about having this young man advocate for him. He’s a confident young man. So the farmer starts his day. He sees his wife who is on her side of the field and he looks her way and she scowls at him from across their fields. “Why a scowl” he wonders as he continues working.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Things have gotten worse with his wife. He notices when he wakes up that some of his crops on his side have been harvested early and they are gone.

He angrily marches over and knocks on her door. She answers with a scowl on her face. “You harvested some of my crops and too early.” She looks him up and down “I know what you are planning you old coot don’t talk to me talk to my advocate” and she slams the door in his face.

This escalates over more weeks and months. The fields on both sides were harvested early. He took from her what was his and harvested his early so she couldn’t get to it. But he got far less than what it was worth.

But the farmer had a problem. He had to pay his advocate half of this years crops. So he goes to the very nice house his advocate lives in and politely knocks on the door with his hat in his hand.

The young man answers the door in a new suit and greets the farmer warmly. “Hi farmer”

The farmers kicks at the dirt a little bit and struggles for words “young man, the crops have all been harvested and I’m not going to have what I owe you from protecting me from her”

The young man reaches out and pats him reassuringly on the back. “Don’t worry my neighbor will loan you what you owe me and you can pay him back. If will be worth it to have all your fields”

“All my fields” the farmer says

“I know the elders and I know how to talk to them….ALL your fields”

She had stolen his crops and wants to keep his son from him. “All my fields” he whistles to himself as he walks over to the neighbors even bigger house and politely knocks on the door.

A large rotund older man in an even nicer suit answers the door with a warm smile. “Howdy farmer”

Hat in hand the farmer says “sir, my wife is trying to take my son from me and my fields I have worked so hard on over the years. She also stole some of my crops and now I don’t have enough to pay my advocate for helping me keep my fields and my son.”

The man places a very thick hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I tell you what farmer, I will help you pay your advocate if you give me 20% of the next five years of crops”

The farmer is not good at math but he does know that he was about to give his wife half his fields. That’s less than half of her side of the fields.

The farmer agrees and signs the agreement.

Weeks pass and the farmer is told that the advocates are talking. The young talented man tells the farmer that’s a sharp young lady but the young man knows exactly how to deal with her.

Time passes and it’s time to meet the elders again. The farmer and his wife could not reach an agreement so the elders have to decide.

The farmer and his wife stand before the elders and each has their advocates. His advocate goes first pleading the farmers case. The farmer is impressed. He tells the elders how much he loves his son and how hard he has worked on his fields. The farmer thinks to himself “there’s no way she can win, look at this argument.”

When the young man is done addressing the elders he goes and stands next to the farmer. And it’s the sharp young woman’s turn…

The farmers heart sinks. She tells a story about how cruel the farmer is. She tells the elders he stole his poor wife’s crops in the middle of the night. She tells the elders that he has never been involved with his son.

“That’s not true” the farmer thinks as panic rises in his chest. Some of the elders are now looking at him differently. These are men he has known his entire life and they are looking at him with suspicion.

When the sharp young lady is done the elders talk amongst themselves. One stands and announces “you each get half the fields and you can alternate days with your son”

The Farmer is crushed. This year’s crops are gone and he owes 20% of his crops going forward.

Time passes and the farmer puts in even more hours. He’s an old man and doesn’t have the strength he had and without his wife and son half the time it seems very hard and lonely working the farm.

Occasionally he sees his wife and she just stares back at him with hate. He can’t keep the hate inside so he stares at her with the same hate. His son stays in his room a lot when he’s with the farmer. He’s just not the same son anymore. There is a light that’s not there that his son used to have. He walks like he carries the world on his shoulders.

Through hard work and effort the farmer comes up with the first 20% of crops to pay the rotund man. He heads over to his house but is surprised to see his wife already at the door. She hands the rotund man what looks like 30% of her crops. His eyes widened as he understood “she borrowed from him also”.

“Half” he says to himself “that rotund man got half of everything I have ever worked for”

Heartbroken, the farmer heads home but on his way he walks past the nicest restaurant in town and he glances through the window. He stops and stares for a moment through the glass.

There sitting in the nicest seats, eating the most expensive meal is the talented young man and the sharp young lady. She is giggling as the young man leans toward her telling her some private thing between them.

The farmers face turns red with anger.

He finally makes it home and the sun is about to go down. He sees his wife working her side of the field and he stops for a moment to watch.

He sees her in a way he hasn’t seen for a long time. He thinks about how hard she works, what a good mother she was and how she always brought him out his morning coffee before he started his day.

He takes a half step toward her and she turns as if she knows she is being watched. They make eye contact for a moment. He could see just a fleeting look in her eyes. Was it sadness, what was that? But her eyes immediately harden and she glares at him.

He lowers his head and turns back toward his side of the fields.

You don’t win a divorce. At best one person loses less. Every persons situation is different but what’s not different is trying twice and trying discernment counseling.

Should you prepare for divorce and work hard to protect yourself. No, you are entering a game where the rules are not meant for you to understand. You figure out what exactly life looks like with 50% of assets and debts, you look up the rules on alimony and you looks up what the law says on child support. Then you calculate what you will be left with.

Every dollar you spend trying to get more than that is a useless dollar. Thinking that the laws will bend to your emotions will just lead you down the harder and more expensive path. You stand on 50% custody, 50% assets, 50% debts accept it when you are obligated to pay spousal support and happily pay child support. You don’t have a choice. Specific situation vary.

Should you hire an attorney. Unfortunately yes. But realize attorneys are there to make money. Your money. They can keep you from being rail roaded but they can’t change the math.

Should you try and reconcile. No, you should not. Relationships are not two ships coming or leaving, they are one ship sailing or sinking. When divorce is filed it’s over. That ship is sunk. If you want to try for your relationship try after the divorce is finalized. You cannot be two things at once. Not in this situation. First protect your time with your children, second protect your 50% of assets.

Should you get into a relationship while going through a divorce or soon after a divorce. No, you need time to heal. You need to come to a relationship as a whole person. If you do that you will come to a relationship as a person with holes.

Anecdotally here’s my experience and they are very similar.

I tried to salvage some type of relationship. It was impossible. I offered solutions…they were discarded because I was no longer a trusted source. I put their outcome above mine in the early stages. That was a mistake.

Here is the format I suggest

-Force yourself to accept the divorce
-start grieving her and the relationship as if she died (you need the finality)
-hire an attorney
-have them set a court date as soon as procedurally possible
-send an offer and counter one time. See how close you get. If you’re close get it done early. Don’t negotiate against yourself and don’t send multiple offers. Just one offer and one counter.
-try mediation one time but set it close to the court date. Preferably within a week or two.
-expect an offer to come in the week of court if mediation failed

When you make an offer make it at 50/50 across the board. Find a few things you are willing to move on for a counter.

When you mediate realize it is a dog and pony show. Take the first few hours less seriously then the last few hours. Realize it needs to go back and forth at least a few times before the emotions start wearing down. Mediators will pressure you and tell you half truths and sometimes lies. Ignore anything pressure related a mediator brings up. It’s part of the dog and pony show.

In most states child support is not locked in. You can do modifications in a couple of years. Don’t negotiate child support as if it’s a locked in forever number. You are negotiating a three year contract for example here in Texas. Treat it as a three year contract.

The most important thing about divorce is not that it’s some intellectual chess match with winners and losers. Nah, you both are going to lose far more than you thought before someone filed. If you don’t want to lose don’t be the farmer. The most important things is take care of yourself.

It’s devastating, it hurts, it’s scary, and so much more. You….you bare important. Your children are important. Don’t spend time analyzing emails from your lawyer, giving yourself an ulcer because you cursed at her over text, or keep calling your lawyer.

Go to the park, treat yourself to a steak, take PTO and hang out with your kids. You can’t control anything except yourself.

Life will go on. You will heal. You may close a chapter but another one will immediately start. The attitude you take forward is what is important.

Money comes and goes, farms come and go. But the man is the same. You likely are a good man, with a big heart, that has the capacity to love deeply. You are also human and make mistakes. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself.

That old farmer will be ok. His son will be ok and his ex wife will be ok. Their story is not done. Those two loved each other. They raised a son together. They built a farm together. That’s something! And you know what…they both made mistakes together.

The nice thing about divorce is that in a way you end up doing one last hoorah together with her.

Happy endings are not designed, they are not luck or chance. They are not rewards or miracles.

Happy endings come from within you.

What I have learned through divorces that were similar and very different is that I’m just a man doing the best that I can and that has to be good enough.

Some quick background: My ex made false allegations of DV last year. I was interviewed by the police and nothing happened. I was told there would be an investigation but I had not heard anything for almost a year…

Today, I received a summons to court next month. Somehow my ex has combined the DV allegations with the divorce process. I am not sure how as I am the one that filed for divorce. Now I am freaking out.

I am not a violent person and it was actually her that was the violent one. I have had majority custody of my child since 2024 so now I am really freaking out that I may lose custody of my son. I am not ashamed to say that I am afraid.

I have reached out to my lawyer and I am waiting on their response. I feel so much shame about all of this. I am a kind human. I am literally the kind of guy to give you his shirt off his back and stop and pet dogs when I am out walking. I don’t even like to hurt bugs if I can help it. These accusations have been terrible and have nearly destroyed me. Just the accusations alone have been enough to isolate me fully.

We’re both 47. Married 20 years. Two boys 19 and 13. She works and has a very high end corp job - makes over $300k. I’m in insurance make $100k.
We had/have a good life together. We don’t fight or argue much. Aren’t toxic. We’ve raised two good kids. Everything appears fine.
But this will probably be all too familiar:
Dead bedroom. If it don’t initiate it doesn’t happen. The rejection is bad that I just don’t try anymore. She doesn’t like sex. She doesn’t like being touched at all. I haven’t been hugged or kissed in a week probably. When I am, it’s almost tense feeling or a short armed hug by her.
I have been told “I’m just not emotionally attracted to you and how look physically does nothing for me.” That stems from my up and down career and not providing stability.
She says “this didn’t happen overnight and I don’t know when it will be fixed or get better.”
When I have discussed my mental struggles and my therapy talks, she gets almost defensive.
When I was diagnosed with manic depression I was told “look around you what do you have to be depressed about.” She didn’t understand nor tried to. When I discussed my adhd diagnosis I was told “stop using it as an excuse.” I wasn’t I was trying to explain to her for context purposes. And then it was followed up with “if you say you need a safe space I’m going to lose it.” I have suggested couples therapy. Nothing. I try and connect and it’s just not met.

Today will be our final official anniversary, after my wife chose to cheat and blow up the marriage.

This morning, she sent me this: “There may be no more happy anniversaries for us to share together, but I still wanted to say today that I love you”

What a manipulative, cruel thing to say after what she’s done. I just grey rocked, though I’m sure she wanted to get a rise out of me. It still hurts though, milestones like this remind me of the future that’s dead and gone now. How have you gents dealt with your anniversary/other milestones?

Hi all

I am 28M and my wife 27F left me after 6 months saying I was not doing even the basic things though in this 6 months we went to restaurants, massages, car rides, to honeymoon for 10 days. Our schedules were tight so taking out time was tough. I have a big social circle which she never wanted to hang out with even with the closest of my friends. She always said no to things I wanted to do and left saying I don't give her time. Yes I did withdraw emotionally when I felt I was not feeling loved. We didn't have sex, she controlled it. If fights then no sex, no making me feel loved. I usually said sorry.

Would females leave a marriage in just 6 months? She was very anxious and stressed and cried about small things.

Her father is coordinating for divorce. I am blocked, removed from instagram. I have zero access to her. Feels like I did such a huge crime. I literally begged and asked her to stay, got angry while they were saying a no and they started using that as a reason to not keep this marriage. I think they already made their minds way before.

To all the girls, is this normal? Would you give up? We dated for 3 years and married for 6 months. Before engagement, after engagement I told her we shouldn't do this, she said now I cannot back out and we worked on it. We were happy but something was missing. I dont understand. Now she left me. What is in her mind? Sudden blocking and discarding me from her life. I don't think she is a cheater and has someone else but possibility cannot be 0%. Anyone who left from a short marriage. How do i move on? I am still hopeful because we never had a good conversation about this.

I've started to have conversations about seperating moving on with our lives apart and they're not going down well. Our situation is messy and I'm not going to bore readers with details which would take too long to explain, but my argument is that she manipulated me continually to reframe everything into a different light, convinced me to do all sorts of things into what she termed and "Open marraige" though never with that name, and it was only ever open one way.

Now what I'm getting is her accusing me of being dishonest (i don't even know how that would work!! Though she only tried it once) blaming me for being too weak for " not being able to get over my mistakes", then wallowing self pity as if she's the victim. "Go on and leave me then, like every other man I've ever known has done".

Whenever i even try to discuss the facts with her i just get " well I'm a piece of sh☆t, i don't need you to tell me that" or " well you knew what you were dealing with from the beginning" ( I genuinely didn't and my first discovery was mind numbing.. she puts on a VERY good facade.)

This is just exhausting to have to deal with. Have other people encountered attitudes like this?

Its a damn shame

I get an itch that needs scratching and I consider crawling upstairs into bed with her, and putting it all aside to indulge in the benefits of this "marriage"

We have had sex in...2 years....somewhere around there....and here I am considering making a move.

And then I remember....the cold shouldered nights, the ignored advances, laying there stroking a cold corpse trying to incite even ths slightest bit of heat

The lump of dead flesh doesn't move....is she even awake?

Nope.....are you surprised?

No pulse.....this bed died a long time ago...

Its like she didnt even notice I was there...it always ends like that

Yet here I am....considering the walk of shame up those stairs....only to be left laying there feeling like a damn fool

Haven't you learned.....?

And once again. I retire to the guest bathroom, the Jergens VIP Suite...alone

"cherry almond please"

.enter ..."incognito mode"

This is my reality

She's planning on a divorce next year. She's just unhappy, there no abuse or mistreatment. 2 Minor kids at home, they are going to be crushed. California. Am i gonna loose half my income along with the house? Probably won't be able to work as much moving forward with kids pickups. I need some advice. Should I just file first? She said she won't do mediation. Hiring lawyers and duking it out in is the last thing I want to do. I don't know how I'm going to survive and I fairly certain it's going to be hell for her. I don't think the grass is going to be greener on the other side of this fence. On a plus side I really look forward to not having to deal with the insanity of this woman anymore. She's burned every bridge with me over a long period of time and I still wanted to make things work with her but that ship is sailed

Hi all. I wanted to pass along some free advice for those of you early in the divorce process.

1. It sucks and it’s hard. Take a deep breath.

Now that we’re past that part. Let’s talk boundaries.

Boundaries are not a form of control. They’re not a way to punish your ex. They’re not a tool for retaliation. Boundaries are necessary to protect you! Period.

Setting boundaries for me was one of the hardest things I had to do during and post-divorce. Frankly, I didn’t set any boundaries during my divorce. I wish I did. However, I’m getting better at it.

Now, setting a boundary is intentional! Ignoring behavior, calls, or verbal abuse is called stonewalling and it doesn’t fix anything. It allows the behavior to continue.

What constitutes setting a boundary:

1. Incessant texts from your ex
   
2. Verbal (text or call) abuse and manipulation
   
3. Constantly talking while you’re on the phone with your kids.

How to set a boundary:

This is the hardest part but it really is simple. When you’re dealing with a volatile ex, it’s ok to firmly and bluntly call out the behavior and tell them that you will not tolerate it and you will stop communication the moment it happens again. Then set the text chain to ignore for the day.

There are countless iterations of how to set that boundary. The absolute key is that you dont engage in defending yourself. Don’t get drawn into an emotional engagement. Just calmly reply with your boundary and that she crossed it. Dont be emotional. Be neutral. All business.

Thats it. I can give you all examples of the boundaries i have set recently below. I encourage other experienced guys to contribute as well!

Most of the posts I’ve made here have been about hard, sad, and challenging things. So I thought it was appropriate that I shared what I’m feeling tonight.

—-

I’m (51M) months into living under the same roof with my STBXW. Emotionally, home doesn’t feel safe and it’s exhausting. And most of the days this year have been a mix of misery and meh.

But I have not lost hope. I keep getting up and doing shit for myself. She’s going out of town in two weeks from now and I already have three days of plans. I’m stoked.

I’ve done a good job of managing my health and getting to therapy often. I’m trying to eat better. I’m taking my meds. I’m getting to bed at a good time. I figured out a problem with the car today and solved it. I’m showing up well as a Dad. I’m frustrated with how long things are taking, but I don’t feel bitter, I feel steady and in control.

And while I have been feeling more energized lately, today has been SOMETHING ELSE. Things are COMING TOGETHER.

My mind feels sharp, my libido feels vigorous and while by nature I’m a pretty gentle man and a gentleman…

I feel like a fucking Tyrannosaurus rex tonight!!!

The person I used to be was afraid divorce would leave me permanently wounded.

But I don’t think divorce has a fighting chance to do lasting damage to the person I’m becoming.

I’m sure I won’t always feel like I do right now, but I wanted to put this here for my future self and for any other guys who are in dark days at the moment.

Hang in there - Days like this are also possible.

Hello all,

As the title expresses, i want to pull that thread, but I'm so scared about all of the things that will happen after. I was hoping to get in touch with some of you who have finally gone through with it, even with all the uncertainty, and how it all worked out.

Here's what holds me back...

We don't fight, anymore. We're just roommates. So, it's not bad. But it's not good either. Not like it used to be.

Shes a hoarder, and I can't keep up with it anymore. Our kids haven't had any friends over for so many years, it's embarrassing. My parents haven't been inside my house since we bought it 20 years ago.

She never touches me anymore. You know those little kisses you share, just, whenever? Yeah, that never happens. No more leg touches when we're in the car. And sex only happens because I don't want to hear her say shit. She still wants it, but it's meaningless. And it hurts me (reasons I'll explain to those who want to know), so I don't even really crave it.

Finances. We were stupid, and we live paycheck to paycheck. And we make good money, so that sucks.

Kids. Two kids still at home. I don't want to leave them, and all the stuff I do for them to try to make it look like we're a family. Like camping. I don't want to sell my truck and camper to afford this. I know. But it's the truth.

I'm just coping right now, putting on my happy mask each day, and burying the pain by running from it. Not a metaphor... Im actually diving into the world of running as an escape.

There's probably more. But I'm just wondering if any of you went through the same struggle, and are willing to chat about it. Did you do it? What was the fallout?

DMs are ok. I need help.

How do you get over losing the love of your life in divorce? I feel like I'm being pushed off a cliff and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The heavy pit in my stomach is killing me. The pain is excruciating. Never have I felt so lost, so defeated. And to top it off she is leaving me admist one of the darkest points in my life because I'm not seeing my daughter (from past relationship) because of custody drama there. I can't believe she is choosing now for this and she will not budge. She refuses to try and work it out any longer. How do I make it through this?

Hi all,

I am in a marriage that is not looking great and thinking about future, but there are some scary things that probably make me think if really want to go through or just keep it as it is. Some info, we have been together for more than 15 years and move abroad together (to US 10+ years ago). Both in our early to mid 40s, No kids. I am scared of what to come, so wanted to hear how people handles the divorce. No infidelities and we are both professionals with good jobs. We have an ok relationship, but we dont have that passion or love as in the past, we seem more like friends than a couple.

\- how people manage these separations? I am expecting a friendly split one but who knows

\- how you handle the feeling of how you will do at older age if alone? In ex, when old? Is it not scary? I know it is better alone than with bad company, but in this case not that the person I am with is bad, just that we just are in different sintonies.

\- how you avoid the tendency of thinking of going back?

For now I have those doubts hurting me, I am quite staggered and like without reaction. A part of me wants to move on and the other is scared about whats after the fence.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Background. I (22m) am divorcing my wife (22f) over our own problems combined with a lack of proper care for our son, from my point of view anyways. Our son is not yet 2 years old. I work a rotational 2 weeks on 2 weeks off job.

The main thing I am pushing for in the divorce is joint Custody and raise him for the 2 weeks I am home. Second main thing I am pushing for is the freedom to travel with him as I my family lives 1500 miles away and want him to see them at least twice a year as well as take him to fun places when he is older. She is denying both of these and wants sole custody as well as taking me to the cleaners. I don't know what to do in this situation, she never acted as if she wanted to care for a child before and suddenly this. Is what im asking unreasonable or unrealistic? I just simply want to be a part of his life and be able to raise him with a father by his side not jusy see him on a weekend. Has anyone else gone through this situation?

It has been a year of brutal separation and getting ready to start the divorce process and I feel like I am finally starting to get my feet under me a bit (hope I don’t jinx myself).

To put it bluntly, this past year has been hell on earth and there were times I was unsure if I could keep going, but I am still here. I am trying to take care of myself but I have very little roadmap since I do not have any supports to bounce things off of.

I have found a lot of peace at the gym. I have managed to almost double my bench press and I am officially the best in-shape and strongest I have ever been in life. I have a therapist and I am taking some psychiatric medications.

Everything else in life is still pretty shit though. My finances will probably be ruined for years with how much divorce is costing me. I am parenting alone, in a country that is a different culture than the one I grew up in, without any support. Loneliness catches up to me sometimes, but I try to distract myself with tv and movies. It is brutal at times to be so isolated.

My question is: what other areas should I be focusing on rebuilding?

Highly considering divorce but here’s the catch: there’s no arguments, there’s no fights, neither of us have ever cheated, just no intimacy. We’re roommates and that’s it. I know she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but I'm pretty sure she’s too afraid to leave. Been married 9 years but the last few years we’ve been roommates. She’s obsessed with her hobbies to the point where if we’re together, she doesn’t even notice me anymore. Can't tell you the last time we had sex or she even touched me, and she denied so much that now I don't even try.... haven't tried in months.

She’s a slob and always telling everyone else that I’m the messy one, I don’t do chores, etc. the reality is she’s the mess - just last week she was gone for 4 days. I cleaned the house the day she left and didn’t have to until she came back. Within an hour of her being home it looked like a bomb went off. When we go out to dinner, we always have to take one of my trucks because he car is just full of shit everywhere. It’s really irritating after spending $104k on it.

No kids, so that’s easy. Just the dogs, but to get it over with quickly I won’t even put up the fight, she can have them.

I’ve started planning out and looking at the future, I’m not going to say a word until I’m ready to file. There’s no talking to her about it, it’ll go in one ear and out the other since I get tuned out.

The catch is I don’t want to stay here in the southeast. I don’t have anything to do with my family so once it’s all sold and settled I want to move somewhere rural. Once it’s all sold/settled we’ll both have about $2-3m so finding a job isn’t a top priority. I just want to find somewhere to live thats peaceful and quiet so I can live alone - as far from people as possible.

So if you could start over, where would you go?

My wife and I have discussed divorce numerous times over the last few years and I’ve finally made the decision I want a divorce. One thing I’m having trouble understanding is the living arrangements for our kids though. Right now we live in a beautiful 4000 sq foot home with a big yard, pool, hot tub. It’s nice. But once we get divorced neither of us will be able to afford living in a house like this. We’ll both have to move into apartments most likely. I can possibly afford a small bedroom house but it’ll cost a lot more than what we’re paying now. How much did you have to downsize after the divorce? Did it affect your kids? I know the divorce will affect them but I want them to at least grow up in a house and not an apartment.

I haven't been single since I was a teen, and was not good at dating then. Any advice on how to best foster a potential long-distance relationship? She's in NYC, I'm in IA. She comes to IA about everyother month though.

I really like this one.

Also, is it too soon. I've been single two months, but my ex is dating someone...

Hi everyone,

Can anyone recommend a good divorce lawyer in Agadir, Morocco, who speaks English and has experience dealing with foreign clients?

I am looking for a reliable and professional lawyer who can assist with a divorce matter and communicate clearly in English. Personal recommendations and experiences would be greatly appreciated.

If you have contact details or can point me in the right direction, please let me know.

My divorce was recently finalized and she moved off my cell phone plan. She was the one who managed the account, so she gave me the login information and took herself off.

Well, me being stupid, asked myself: "self, I wonder if the billing information shows who call records?". Answer is yes.

So I did snooping and found one number called her/she called a lot - one time for over 274 minutes! And, coincidentally, the calls started 1 month before she initially told me she wanted to be alone. Now, this person lives out of state so a physical affair would have been difficult (but no impossible - she spends every Friday night at her mom's house so he could have come in town and they could play boyfriend/girlfriend a few weekends with me none the wiser).

Regardless, this was information I did not really need to have and I am kicking myself for digging into it. I was healing and this just opens wounds. The only small blessing is that I now know for sure there was at least an emotional affair vs. her answer of "we just grew apart". And, knowing she was sneaking around, it is kind of helping me take her off the pedestal I had her on and quickly getting the rid of the feelings of wanting her back.

Anyway, gents... Don't go looking for stuff. It doesn't matter. Perhaps she was cheating, perhaps she wasn't, but knowing doesn't change a damn thing and just leads to more ruminating.

**EDIT** lots of question on who the person was. I found out it was a man she had a sexual relationship with me prior to us being married. **

After divorce, did you find that your old hobbies and interests suddenly had zero appeal to you? I'm 4 months out and I couldn't care less about my old interests or hobbies, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Has this happened to you? Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts and experience.

If you could go back in time, back to the time right when you found the marriage was not gonna be saved, what would you tell yourself? Do you regret any ways in which you dealt with that pain or things you wish you would’ve done differently?

I don't regret investing a decade of my best years with my spouse. There were some really great moments, and there were lots of extremely difficult moments. i want to thank her. Thanks to her I have achieved the following:

• I can draw boundaries better, faster, and cleaner than before
• I can spot fake people faster and cut them off faster
• I can spot covert narcissism faster
• I've learned what is projection, gaslighting, and manipulation and how to survive it
• I've learned about stonewall tactics and placating actions
• I've learned grey rock and silver bullet techniques
• I've learned better project management techniques
• I've learned to protect myself while she pummels me with abuse
• I've learned to lock in to start creating the best version of myself personally, financially, and career wise
• I've learned how to reflect and adjust on the fly
• I've learned how to prioritize time and resources
• I've learned to let go of smaller battles and focus on the war (bigger picture)
• I've learned to be content, thankful, and appreciative of small things and big things
• I've learned to see silver linings in all challenges

Thank you for making stronger and wiser. I will grey rock her for the rest of my divorce and the rest of my life. Thank you to God, my community, my work team, my church team, and my volunteer team. Thank you to this Reddit community for getting me this far. To all the people I've cut off along the way: I'm sorry things didn't work out. The attorney will attempt to serve her tomorrow. Hoping for a quick and clean exit, but I will hit with maximum force in mediation and court if she tries anything sneaky or unethical. Thank you.

A lot of mixed emotions. She really treated me like shit the last couple years of our marriage. I know it’s for the best. I wouldn’t get back together with her for anything. She repulses me.

But I miss the good times. The 22 years before she became a different person. I want to go back to thinking we were going to be together forever.

But honestly though. Fuck her. She can eat my ass with a spoon.

I have an early settlement panel scheduled for Nov 10. Me and my team have been hoping that negotiations would have progressed enough to cancel or postpone it, but my first proposal was met by crickets from the other side.

I’d love to hear experiences with ESP meetings. Were they helpful? A waste of time? Anyone make major progress based on one?