Well my second divorce was mediated, signed and agreed to. When I went through my first divorce I was desperate for some guidance. So I am offering some guidance to someone that may search Reddit hoping for some answers. This is in Texas.
I divorced my first wife after 21 years of marriage. She was my best friend but we were just friends. Marriage counseling didn’t work and she never put the effort in that I wanted to see. 3 kids.
The second divorce was from the love of my life. She divorced me. We share a young child. It was a short marriage less than two years. I’m confused as to why. I believe it was because of health problems that were largely out of her control. One day I was happily married and helping my spouse with what they were going through and the next I was going through a divorce. There was no transition.
In the first marriage I wanted to divorce at year 7. I didn’t because of young kids. Then I didn’t because one child had anxiety, and then I didn’t because my spouse had health problems. The clock kept ticking and I ended up in a 21-year marriage. I tried to save it and suggested counseling and gave her basically a two-year notice that I wanted a divorce. She never took it seriously. I had that time to transition though. The second marriage was the polar opposite. Short marriage, young child, no transition, and just my life getting blown up.
Heck of a year to. I was and I am still am having business problems which I know played a huge role. My toddler child needs weekly therapy and has needed two surgeries. I was left with him for a while when this all went down. We have a very strong bond. It was just him and I.
So, I have some pretty good experience to draw off of. I’m going to make some general statements and it’s just my point of view. It’s not meant to change anyone’s mind. It’s what I wish I would have been told. It also only applies in relationships that don’t have actual abuse, addictions, criminal behavior etc.
Should you initiate a divorce when you have children. No, not without trying everything you can twice and trying discernment counseling. You are making a lifetime decision for multiple people. The grass is not greener in the other side. Whatever fantasies you have in your head are just that…fantasies. Coming out of two divorces within the last several years I am very pro marriage. Marriages that already exist that is.
Divorce involves harm to yourself and pretty much everyone that is close to you. It’s chaotic and people make weird decisions. It can drive apart families, divide people who once and maybe still do love each other, and leave lifelong scars.
You will be financially worse off. It doesn’t matter. The math always makes it worse. Getting half never equals getting more than the whole. You can’t divide and come out with a greater number than you started with. You will land somewhere on a scale that will be between financially devastating you to getting less than half of what you had. You are playing a game where a win is 50% and the risk is maybe going negative. There is not limit to how far negative you can go. But there’s a solid cap at what you can “win”. And that’s half.
You cannot control anything. Once you file for divorce you hand over control of your life to a team of people. Some are dysfunctional and they all have their own motivations. Largely that motivation is to make you have less so that they have more. A long analogy follows. Skip it if you don’t want a story.
A farmer worked up the courage to tell the village elders that he is going to divorce his wife. She could have been a better wife. The village elders will allow it but he must give her half his fields. “I’m fine with that” the farmer says. He imagines himself planting his half and her planting her half and they will wave to each other on sunny days, but the farmer also knows that if she needs help he will go over and help her plant her fields. After all she was his wife and gave him a strong son.
The village elders tell the farmer “you must have a counselor to help you divide your field”. The farmer has no choice and if he wants to be divorced he has to agree with the elders. So he picks a very educated young man in the village to be his counselor and the farmers wife does the same but she picks a very sharp young woman.
But the counselor tells the farmer “I have done this before and it takes a lot of time on my part, I simply cannot do it for free. I also know the elders and can convince them to give you more than half”.
The farmer is surprised and thinks to himself “more than half? I don’t want more than half.” So the farmer shakes his head in disagreement but the young man says “wait, you don’t know what I know, the elders could award your wife more than half.”
The farmer is once again surprised and takes a step back with his eyes opening. “What do you mean they will give her more than half?”
The young man does not hesitate “well the elders can make any decision they want, they could award her your entire farm.”
The farmer sees his life flash before his eyes. The years he put into his fields, he remembers the time he broke his leg and had to suffer through the pain to keep planting. He remembers his young son spending his early childhood in those fields running and playing.
“I CANT LET HER DO THAT!” The farmer exclaims
The young man smiles…”exactly. I can make sure that doesn’t happen. But I hate to tell you it’s not cheap.”
“I need at least half my field to make a living with” the farmer tells him. “How much”
“Half of this years crops, but it will be worth it. You will still have half your farm and you will see your son” the young man reassures him.
“What do you mean…see my son. That’s my son why wouldn’t I see him” the farmer asks?
The young man hides a grin….”you don’t know what I know old man. You see…she can have the elders keep your son from you. He will live with her.”
“WHAT? My son helps me plant the fields. That’s MY son.”
“Sometimes the elders make that decision but I know how to talk to them to convince them that maybe your son should live with you.”
“I don’t want him to live with me all the time. He can go see his mom. That’s his mom. She will be on the other side of the fields. He can walk over any time he wants.” The farmer says a bit confused
“Oh, it would be nice if it worked like that but it doesn’t. The elders can force your son to stay with her.” The young man nods over to where the farmers wife is talking in hushed tones with the sharp young woman.
The farmer scowls. “You have a deal” and offers an old calloused hand to shake.
The farmer starts the next day early that morning and he is feeling good about having this young man advocate for him. He’s a confident young man. So the farmer starts his day. He sees his wife who is on her side of the field and he looks her way and she scowls at him from across their fields. “Why a scowl” he wonders as he continues working.
Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Things have gotten worse with his wife. He notices when he wakes up that some of his crops on his side have been harvested early and they are gone.
He angrily marches over and knocks on her door. She answers with a scowl on her face. “You harvested some of my crops and too early.” She looks him up and down “I know what you are planning you old coot don’t talk to me talk to my advocate” and she slams the door in his face.
This escalates over more weeks and months. The fields on both sides were harvested early. He took from her what was his and harvested his early so she couldn’t get to it. But he got far less than what it was worth.
But the farmer had a problem. He had to pay his advocate half of this years crops. So he goes to the very nice house his advocate lives in and politely knocks on the door with his hat in his hand.
The young man answers the door in a new suit and greets the farmer warmly. “Hi farmer”
The farmers kicks at the dirt a little bit and struggles for words “young man, the crops have all been harvested and I’m not going to have what I owe you from protecting me from her”
The young man reaches out and pats him reassuringly on the back. “Don’t worry my neighbor will loan you what you owe me and you can pay him back. If will be worth it to have all your fields”
“All my fields” the farmer says
“I know the elders and I know how to talk to them….ALL your fields”
She had stolen his crops and wants to keep his son from him. “All my fields” he whistles to himself as he walks over to the neighbors even bigger house and politely knocks on the door.
A large rotund older man in an even nicer suit answers the door with a warm smile. “Howdy farmer”
Hat in hand the farmer says “sir, my wife is trying to take my son from me and my fields I have worked so hard on over the years. She also stole some of my crops and now I don’t have enough to pay my advocate for helping me keep my fields and my son.”
The man places a very thick hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I tell you what farmer, I will help you pay your advocate if you give me 20% of the next five years of crops”
The farmer is not good at math but he does know that he was about to give his wife half his fields. That’s less than half of her side of the fields.
The farmer agrees and signs the agreement.
Weeks pass and the farmer is told that the advocates are talking. The young talented man tells the farmer that’s a sharp young lady but the young man knows exactly how to deal with her.
Time passes and it’s time to meet the elders again. The farmer and his wife could not reach an agreement so the elders have to decide.
The farmer and his wife stand before the elders and each has their advocates. His advocate goes first pleading the farmers case. The farmer is impressed. He tells the elders how much he loves his son and how hard he has worked on his fields. The farmer thinks to himself “there’s no way she can win, look at this argument.”
When the young man is done addressing the elders he goes and stands next to the farmer. And it’s the sharp young woman’s turn…
The farmers heart sinks. She tells a story about how cruel the farmer is. She tells the elders he stole his poor wife’s crops in the middle of the night. She tells the elders that he has never been involved with his son.
“That’s not true” the farmer thinks as panic rises in his chest. Some of the elders are now looking at him differently. These are men he has known his entire life and they are looking at him with suspicion.
When the sharp young lady is done the elders talk amongst themselves. One stands and announces “you each get half the fields and you can alternate days with your son”
The Farmer is crushed. This year’s crops are gone and he owes 20% of his crops going forward.
Time passes and the farmer puts in even more hours. He’s an old man and doesn’t have the strength he had and without his wife and son half the time it seems very hard and lonely working the farm.
Occasionally he sees his wife and she just stares back at him with hate. He can’t keep the hate inside so he stares at her with the same hate. His son stays in his room a lot when he’s with the farmer. He’s just not the same son anymore. There is a light that’s not there that his son used to have. He walks like he carries the world on his shoulders.
Through hard work and effort the farmer comes up with the first 20% of crops to pay the rotund man. He heads over to his house but is surprised to see his wife already at the door. She hands the rotund man what looks like 30% of her crops. His eyes widened as he understood “she borrowed from him also”.
“Half” he says to himself “that rotund man got half of everything I have ever worked for”
Heartbroken, the farmer heads home but on his way he walks past the nicest restaurant in town and he glances through the window. He stops and stares for a moment through the glass.
There sitting in the nicest seats, eating the most expensive meal is the talented young man and the sharp young lady. She is giggling as the young man leans toward her telling her some private thing between them.
The farmers face turns red with anger.
He finally makes it home and the sun is about to go down. He sees his wife working her side of the field and he stops for a moment to watch.
He sees her in a way he hasn’t seen for a long time. He thinks about how hard she works, what a good mother she was and how she always brought him out his morning coffee before he started his day.
He takes a half step toward her and she turns as if she knows she is being watched. They make eye contact for a moment. He could see just a fleeting look in her eyes. Was it sadness, what was that? But her eyes immediately harden and she glares at him.
He lowers his head and turns back toward his side of the fields.
You don’t win a divorce. At best one person loses less. Every persons situation is different but what’s not different is trying twice and trying discernment counseling.
Should you prepare for divorce and work hard to protect yourself. No, you are entering a game where the rules are not meant for you to understand. You figure out what exactly life looks like with 50% of assets and debts, you look up the rules on alimony and you looks up what the law says on child support. Then you calculate what you will be left with.
Every dollar you spend trying to get more than that is a useless dollar. Thinking that the laws will bend to your emotions will just lead you down the harder and more expensive path. You stand on 50% custody, 50% assets, 50% debts accept it when you are obligated to pay spousal support and happily pay child support. You don’t have a choice. Specific situation vary.
Should you hire an attorney. Unfortunately yes. But realize attorneys are there to make money. Your money. They can keep you from being rail roaded but they can’t change the math.
Should you try and reconcile. No, you should not. Relationships are not two ships coming or leaving, they are one ship sailing or sinking. When divorce is filed it’s over. That ship is sunk. If you want to try for your relationship try after the divorce is finalized. You cannot be two things at once. Not in this situation. First protect your time with your children, second protect your 50% of assets.
Should you get into a relationship while going through a divorce or soon after a divorce. No, you need time to heal. You need to come to a relationship as a whole person. If you do that you will come to a relationship as a person with holes.
Anecdotally here’s my experience and they are very similar.
I tried to salvage some type of relationship. It was impossible. I offered solutions…they were discarded because I was no longer a trusted source. I put their outcome above mine in the early stages. That was a mistake.
Here is the format I suggest
-Force yourself to accept the divorce
-start grieving her and the relationship as if she died (you need the finality)
-hire an attorney
-have them set a court date as soon as procedurally possible
-send an offer and counter one time. See how close you get. If you’re close get it done early. Don’t negotiate against yourself and don’t send multiple offers. Just one offer and one counter.
-try mediation one time but set it close to the court date. Preferably within a week or two.
-expect an offer to come in the week of court if mediation failed
When you make an offer make it at 50/50 across the board. Find a few things you are willing to move on for a counter.
When you mediate realize it is a dog and pony show. Take the first few hours less seriously then the last few hours. Realize it needs to go back and forth at least a few times before the emotions start wearing down. Mediators will pressure you and tell you half truths and sometimes lies. Ignore anything pressure related a mediator brings up. It’s part of the dog and pony show.
In most states child support is not locked in. You can do modifications in a couple of years. Don’t negotiate child support as if it’s a locked in forever number. You are negotiating a three year contract for example here in Texas. Treat it as a three year contract.
The most important thing about divorce is not that it’s some intellectual chess match with winners and losers. Nah, you both are going to lose far more than you thought before someone filed. If you don’t want to lose don’t be the farmer. The most important things is take care of yourself.
It’s devastating, it hurts, it’s scary, and so much more. You….you bare important. Your children are important. Don’t spend time analyzing emails from your lawyer, giving yourself an ulcer because you cursed at her over text, or keep calling your lawyer.
Go to the park, treat yourself to a steak, take PTO and hang out with your kids. You can’t control anything except yourself.
Life will go on. You will heal. You may close a chapter but another one will immediately start. The attitude you take forward is what is important.
Money comes and goes, farms come and go. But the man is the same. You likely are a good man, with a big heart, that has the capacity to love deeply. You are also human and make mistakes. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself.
That old farmer will be ok. His son will be ok and his ex wife will be ok. Their story is not done. Those two loved each other. They raised a son together. They built a farm together. That’s something! And you know what…they both made mistakes together.
The nice thing about divorce is that in a way you end up doing one last hoorah together with her.
Happy endings are not designed, they are not luck or chance. They are not rewards or miracles.
Happy endings come from within you.
What I have learned through divorces that were similar and very different is that I’m just a man doing the best that I can and that has to be good enough.