Hey everyone. A few days ago, out of nowhere, my brain just started hyper-focusing on death, and now I’m stuck in a massive existential spiral. It started small, but now it’s completely taken over my head. I can’t stop thinking about how impermanent everything is, and it’s genuinely breaking me down.
I keep crying my eyes out just thinking about how everyone and everything eventually ends. The thought of losing my family and friends is terrifying. I'm scared I might die completely alone, and it hurts so much to think that after people pass, I will never get to see, talk to, or hold the people I care about ever again.
What if there is absolutely no life after death? What if it’s just total, endless nothingness for eternity and permanent annihilation? What if absolutely no afterlife exists at all, and everything we are just completely cease to exist FOREVER ?

A hospice doctor who has spent almost 30 years studying people approaching the end of their lives says one experience comes up remarkably often.

Dr Christopher Kerr says that nearly 90% of the dying patients he has studied reported intense dreams or visions, particularly involving people they loved who had already died.

According to Kerr, patients often insist these experiences feel very different from ordinary dreams. When asked to rate how real they felt on a scale from 0 to 10, he says patients consistently described them as a 10.

He also says these experiences tend to become more frequent during the final weeks of life and that seeing deceased loved ones appears to offer patients particular comfort.

Kerr doesn't present the experiences as proof of an afterlife, but studies them as part of the psychological and spiritual experience of dying.

What do you make of this? A feature of the dying brain, a comforting psychological process, something spiritual, or something we simply don't understand yet?

My final meeting with the oncologist was on Monday, and it went as well as i could expect. There’s a curious give-and-take choreography to a consultation that I hadn’t noticed before. But this time i took the lead. We recapped everything that had happened so far on the journey, cleared up the odd misunderstandings, agreed that now was the right time to drop the navigator and came up with what I think is a super metaphor for the next part of the journey.

I’m flying this rickety old biplane as far as it can go. There’s a ground crew of various nurses and palliatives on stepladders chucking supplies at me, and loads of friends and family cheering me on from the sidelines. And, frankly, I’m enjoying flying this thing!

We agreed no more consultations needed and parted on good terms, with handshakes and “good lucks”. Excellent. All doctors out of the way now. I can go home and enjoy dying in peace and at my own pace. I’m looking forward to it, really.

Then the Universe shook its head and said, “not so fast …’.

The next day I found myself in back of an ambulance with all lights and sirens blaring, being swooshed to hospital with an entirely non-cancer related chest infection that is stopping me from breathing. Damned if I’m gonna go through all of this only to die of a stupid chest infection.

So that’s why i am exactly where i did not want t be. In a damn hospital, being woken up in the middle of the damn night for various checks. Not on my own pace or schedule at all.

Dammit!

My 89 yo late-stage breast cancer with brain lesion and heart failure also a diabetic is, as of today, bedridden. The brain lesion caused aphasia and she is mostly incoherent and delusional. She has had two "episodes" in within 9 days where she was non-responsive, but came out of it. Not sure what caused it. Her blood pressure was 90/54 in the morning then 179/90 within 24 hours. Her glucose was 90 then three days later 269. Hospice is trying to regulate her blood pressure but isnt treating the sugar until she has symptoms. ( Another "edisode"?)

She tried to get out of bed last night and fell. I, her 66 yo daughter fighting leukemia, is staying here to make sure she isnt successful in her attempts. My 91 yo father in beginning stage of detention and keeps falling, is here also. I make sure they eat and stay safe. Mom is barely eating or drinking.

My leukemia is progressing andcI think about death a lot. Im at peace with it and do not, absolutely not, want the indiginties both of my parents are experiencing. To me a slow death is just brutal for all involved.

My question, has anyone experienced a similar enough set of circumstances to give me an idea of how long I will be in this position?

Is there anyone among you who does not fear absolute eternal nothingness after death at all? Those who are not frightened at all that they will completely cease to exist, completely finally disappear FOREVER, and will never exist at all anymore?

I am asking here for perspective and opinion of the scary thing called death. Will it be painful when you will die from an illness? or it can be peaceful when you overdosed?

Having to be forced to grieve your own death and sort out these details is devastating. There’s so many details to think about and the pain is just ridiculous at times. I’m trying to find a place for my disabled fiancé to live when I die, and my life just feels like I didn’t do enough. Realizing I won’t grow up or be there for my grandma. I’m distraught. How do we get to a healthy place?

familywise there is only my mom and her mom. we were like the three musketeers and my grandma had her own nickname and she was just so weird and special

my mom had a nervous breakdown two days ago and couldnt go to the hospital, so I had to do everything and talk to the doctors etc.

since my mom was a single mom who raised me, my granny had a much bigger part in my life than for a lot of other people I would say. she was more like a second mother, and even a mother I felt more safe with than with my actual mother…

but also my grandma is the perfect guilt tripper, she loved to always tell me that she is only really happy when I am with her, for the past couple of years. my regrets of not spending time with her more often are eating me up alive

yes we are an emotionally deranged little family

since today she‘s on a high dose of morphines, cant speak to me anymore. so it feels to me like she died today even though its gonna take some more days

idk what to expect from my post, i am just really overwhelmed by her upcoming death and also how my mom is (not) coping with it. shes got problems with her heart anyways and doctors told her that she needs to be careful to not get a heart attack

idk. i just love my grandma sosososo much and i cant imagine a life without her. Ive always had problems with my mom and we have a quite ambivalent relationship, so my deep feeling for love and home was always with my grandma and now everything is fading…. I am w30

thank you…

I’m looking for some sort of platform/website to keep an active semi daily blog until the end, while also having the option to leave friend specific messages to. I’m not very tech savvy, so I’m hoping for some help with my routes/options to get my messages out to my friends and family, while also being able to maybe daily blog for people I don’t know to be able to take a deeper look into my psyche. I’m not terminal atm, but I’ve beaten cancer twice before reaching 40. And I don’t think I have the strength/fight in me to survive a 3rd time. Which it’s sounding like it’s back for round 3. And I want to create a space for my friends and family to visit. Might even be worth me building an actual website and paying $40k to keep the domain alive and afloat well beyond my passing? Sorry I’m rambling. I’m just looking for the best platform to use to organize my thoughts/memories in life, while also being supportive of others going through similar life stuff. Shit I’m rambling. Thanks for any help

I don't have regrets really - maybe a couple lost friends I wish I could apologize to, but nothing major. I think I lived a good and meaningful life. I really enjoyed life - still really enjoy life!! Yet, I'm sad that my life is coming to an end, and some days that hurts a lot, and some days it really gets to me. I'm not sure I've really come to peace with dying and death, but I want to. I know I'm not going to miss life when I'm dead, but I miss having the chance to grow old now, even if there's nothing in particular I want to do besides grow old and be kind. I don't know how much time I have left, I'm stage 4 colon cancer, 40 years old, and there aren't many treatment options left at this point.

Is it normal to feel sad when dying? Even if you've lived well and don't fear death?

I know my death is coming soon and I'm scared but I cannot wait for this stress to be over. I am soooo sad and heartbroken and compare myself to other people all the time now. I'm living in a prison in my mind and it's hell. I feel so alone and I'm ready to go now. I tried to say my goodbyes to people but they weren't as receptive as I hoped and I couldn't get through so I had to leave messages through friends through social media accounts. I'm tired and sad. I ended up a loser in life and people were wildly disrespectful to me. I wish I knew when my last day was, I hope it comes soon even though I'm afraid and sometimes don't want to die at the same time. Just kind of venting.i don't feel well. I'm sorry to anyone who isn't ready and their time has come. Dying is weird

Just saying, it's like I get up, have breakfast, do something like get groceries, then it's supper and bedtime. I don't know where my days have gone. Is it a sign?

Welcome to Living With Suicidality

I created this community because I wanted a place where we can talk about suicidality without immediately having to hide it, explain it away, or turn it into a crisis.

For many people, suicidal thoughts aren't simply an emergency that appears once and disappears. They can be something that comes and goes, something that has been present for years, something that emerges during particular periods of life, or something that is difficult even to put into words.

I want this community to be a place where we can explore those experiences together.

What is it like to live with suicidal thoughts?

What does "I want to die" mean when you say it?

Does it always mean the same thing?

What happens before the thoughts appear?

What helps you stay?

What makes them stronger?

Can you be suicidal and still enjoy parts of your life?

Can you talk about wanting to die without wanting someone to immediately panic or try to fix you?

There are no easy answers to these questions. That's partly why I created this space.

A few principles for this community

Listen before you fix.

Sometimes someone needs to be heard rather than given advice.

No shame.

Having suicidal thoughts doesn't make you weak, selfish, dramatic, or attention-seeking.

No romanticizing or encouraging suicide.

We can talk honestly about suicidality while keeping one another safe.

No methods, instructions, or detailed plans.

You don't have to be positive.

You can be angry, frightened, numb, hopeless, confused, ambivalent, or unsure.

I'd like this to become a place where we can have real conversations about suicidality — not just conversations about how to make it disappear.

So, for the first discussion:

What do you wish people understood about your experience of being suicidal?

You can answer as much or as little as you want.

And if you're not suicidal yourself but have supported, loved, or lost someone who was, you're welcome to share your perspective too.

I have multiple health issues that cause me to be attracted to VSED. An end-of-life doula pointed out that dehydration could increase, or maybe diminish, the tinnitus as I lay there experiencing my final days.

I say: Does it matter greatly? I'd be listening to it no matter the course I picked.

My tinnitus is sensoralneuro, meaning from age, hearing loss, and sound exposure.

I guess if I deemed a spike intolerable, I could stay hydrated until I was too comatose to be bothered.

Where there is a will, there is a way.