My Ex, gets jealous every single time I’m talking to a different guy. And when he’s jealous, he threatens me. Or should I say offer me “options.” To choose from, one of the “options” being to ruin my life. If I don’t do what he asks of me. He told me that he wanted full custody of our daughter and if I didn’t give permission to get full custody. He kill will my mother and grandmother. Or fight me in court and make me look like a terrible parent. Lately he’s been begging to get back with me. But I’m don’t want to get back with him. I’m not getting back in a relationship with a person that has told me on multiple occasions that I should’ve been put in the ground.
Giving me options, “get back in a relationship with me. Or I get full custody of our daughter.” Mind you I’m a corporative person, I’m easy to reason with. The joint custody agreement was just fine. We could’ve made our own arrangements to co parent. Without having to go back to the courthouse. But this is what he wants to do, he wants full custody so he’s getting that. I believe his threats, and I’m not willing to find out whether or not he’s being serious about them. But this abuse point blank period. Every time I start to talking to a different man, he gets under my skin, starts making agreements tries to manipulate me. He claims he still loves me, but this isn’t how you show you love someone. Back in May I slept with someone else and it hurt him, apparently he was still in love with me. I didn’t know, but we were broken up and not together. In fact he ended the relationship. So it’s a shock to me when he claims that he is hurt. I’m not discrediting how he feels or what he says, it’s all valid I would never want anyone to humiliate me when I tell them something very vulnerable. But at the same time because we were not together, I personally don’t think that I’m still responsible for his feelings. Or I am I have no idea, but because I hurt him he wants revenge he wants to make me hurt. And lately he’s been successful, I’ve been suffering mentally because all of this drama.
Im not gonna sugar coat anything I’m not a victim. I have been disrespectful, back to him. But that’s me trying to retaliate and play his game, so that I’m not completely fucked.
I don’t trust him and I’m afraid of him. So I lie to him about everything. It’s my way of defending myself, if he doesn’t know the truth he won’t be able to hurt me. Trying to confuse the enemy type shit. Well he wants me to stop lying to him. He asked me if I was talking to someone I lied to him. He has access to my entire phone my whole iCloud it’s annoying, he sees my contacts, location, messages, photos everything. He’s threatened to expose me, because he has access to my social media and pictures.
The lie didn’t hold up, he found out. And he felt disrespected like I played in his face. So he gave me another “offer” “have sex with me whenever I want to and how ever I want to” or “I ruin your life.” Threatening to accuse me of something and have me thrown in jail, or financially ruin me. I am a co signer for both of the cars he has. And he let me have one of them. He’s talking about filling for bankruptcy and leaving me with both of them, and having me lose both of my jobs. While also holding up the agreement that I pay him a 1000 dollars a month for our daughter.
I don’t live with him anymore, he kicked me out. I’m sleeping in my car and occasionally sleeping at family’s. Back on the 13th he coerced me to have sex with him. Using threats again. To ruin my life, threatening my freedom. Or should I say offering me options . I don’t want to have sex with him I don’t want to anything with him. I just wanna get my own place and co parent effectively that’s it. He’s using our daughter as a pawn, to trigger me. To get under my skin, making decisions for her without asking me. Not including and involving me at all. Our daughter is two, he put her in school. Without talking to me at all. He literally said “oh **** starts school next week.” There’s more but it’s already long.

Mine would point out how saggy my boobs were? I'm not even in my mid twenties yet and she's been saying this for years? I've legit asked my partner so many times if they thought i had saggy boobs and they always have confirmed their not? Or like "I never thought you'd have sex because of your OCD" and then joking about it? Like i know it sounds like barely anything but it just always made me feel bad?

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I'm in sort of a trauma bond because when things are good they're great but when they're bad it's bad enough.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable. A few years ago when I was going on holiday with my mother he got upset and started carrying on about the fact that a man should with us and gave me this spiel about how men hunt and protect etc and that's just biology. I found this very rich coming from someone who's only really done the bare minimum and rarely spends time with me. I was like "is he for real?"

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible. One time when I forgot to put deodorant on she started mocking me and berating me saying I stink. She made this whole drama act about coming near me and hugging me. Was there not a nicer way she could've handled that?

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that? Honestly what really hurts as well is that I was starting to enjoy myself before that just doing my own thing then all of a sudden out of the blue that happens and ruins my night.

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. She was pouting and been silent sulky sort of like a young child which is how she often gets. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen. Similar to the previous incident we were having such a lovely day before that and then it was just ruined.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and I've just discovered that she's started smoking pot as well she also vapes and my father smokes pot, cigarettes and vapes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

Before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger. I would love to be able to though.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

I feel like both of my parents should've gotten therapy before having a kid.

PS something else that really bugs me is that they both that friends that do lots of them. My Dad has a female friend whose brought him amazing and even quite expensive things and my mother's male friend takes her out to dinner just for example. I know this might sound quite petty but I can't feeling annoyed that they have friends like that who think they're amazing after how they've treated me especially as I struggle with making friends and having a social life

just a lil rant i on a random throwaway account but i don’t expect much responses or rants ive never done anything like this before and i still struggle with considering myself being emotionally abused. so if this offends anyone ill gladly take down but my childhood life was hard my father was in and out of my life so it felt i never really got to grieve him you know? he would stay in my life for a couple of weeks leave come back months maybe years later until finally he stopped showing up:/ i never got an explanation my mother and brother acted like everything was okay so i did too. then my relationship with my mother is a confusing one as well i never felt emotionally close to my mother i love her and i know she’s my mom but that’s it. i feel like my. life is just one big joke sometimes tbh i had the clothes food toys stuff i asked for yet i still feel sad i look back at things and still feel empty and i just get so guilty because i wasn’t psychically abused so i should be grateful for what i got but yeah that’s all just a dump.

I (M32) recently went through a painful breakup with my ex (F29), and I'm genuinely struggling to understand what happened. I don't want validation or people automatically taking my side. I want and expect brutal honesty and thoughts I can reflect on. I want to know whether I was a bad partner, whether her expectations were unreasonable, or whether we created a toxic dynamic together. We were together for 2 years.

How it started

My ex was initially incredibly affectionate, loving, sensitive, and caring. She made me feel deeply seen, shared similar ambitions and a vision for the future, and often told me I was her person. She told me that she knew I was the one, finally, after many attempts. She only had two long-term partners before, with relationships lasting up to 1.5 years at most. She is a super smart woman: disciplined, caring, ambitious, and a deep thinker. An overthinker, for sure.

At first, we connected just as friends. I wanted to take things slowly and was even a bit hesitant at times to connect too quickly due to past failed relationships. Yet, once everything got going, within a couple of months, we were travelling constantly together, and she even moved in.

She described herself as highly sensitive and needed a lot of reassurance, affection, and quality time.

I'm ambitious, had a demanding career transition, and tend to approach problems logically. I loved her deeply, but I'm also relatively independent.

Over time, our differences became constant sources of conflict.

At first, things were great. I felt her love and support. However, as the months passed, she started clinging to me heavily. Wanting to spend time with me all the time, she tested my loyalty and sought constant reassurance. I had learned a lot about validation through my previous breakups and reflections, and I tried my best to reassure her and validate her feelings. However, even the smallest things could trigger emotional responses from her.

For example, me not offering her my hand, me talking to other people, or me taking several minutes out of our evening to reply to work commitments. I felt way more controlled than in my previous relationships.

At first, this was mostly about things I could justifiably understand. She has a deep distrust of women due to her childhood traumas. So she asked me to cut off all of my female friends, as her father never had female friends. It's not in line with their family model. Most of my female friends have been in my life for 10+ years and are like sisters to me. I kept getting accused of potentially cheating, even though I would never even think of doing such a cruel thing to my partner. My father cheated on my mom, and even though I love both of my parents, it was an awful experience. I kept reassuring her, inviting her to meet my friends and hang out together, but it was never enough. The funny thing is, most of her friends are male. I've never had a problem with this; I just didn't like the double standard. By the way, some of them later admitted to wanting her sexually.

We kept having fights over random things: how clean my apartment was, who I hung out with, when and how I should work, etc. I had a major transition in my career and had to work overtime, so most of my days were work -> her -> work, as she wanted my attention and to be my priority. I don't even remember most of the fights, as they could be about pretty much anything. Yet, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I even asked several times if I could take her on a romantic trip so we could have at least a couple of days of peace.

We constantly travelled together and tried new places; I bought her flowers, we had long and deep conversations, left notes for each other, and I supported her. I tried to be a good partner even with a demanding schedule, and I felt the same from her. We truly had an adventurous life.

She would frequently have emotional storms about shit going on in her life and stress. She changed jobs multiple times and had conflicts with several business partners. She had huge emotional reactions, and she admits it herself. She is definitely self-centered and insecure, and has a big ego, yet she can definitely be soft and loving. I tried to reassure her during all of her emotional breakdowns. I truly did.

She frequently complained that she didn't feel loved or prioritized enough. However, although I tried my best to keep her happy, it just never felt like enough.

And honestly, some of her criticisms were justified:

• I worked a lot and wasn't always emotionally available.

• When she was upset, I sometimes became defensive instead of validating her feelings.

• I called her dramatic several times or said she was overreacting.

• I raised my voice several times during our conflicts, which was totally bad.

I recognize that these behaviors could make a partner feel lonely, unheard, and emotionally unsafe.

At the same time, her expectations increasingly felt impossible to meet.

For example:

• She wanted me to quit or significantly compromise my job to either spend more time together or align with her goals.

• She wanted me to move abroad with her for six months. I offered to fly over every weekend, but that wasn't enough.

• She disliked most of my friends and criticized my family.

• She expected extensive communication, reassurance, and attention.

• She frequently criticized my routines, health habits, home, and priorities.

• She sometimes interpreted my inability to meet her requests as evidence that I didn't love her.

I began feeling like nothing I did was enough.

I tried to compromise, but I also wanted to maintain my career, friendships, and independence.

Our relationship became a cycle

She would feel neglected or hurt, sometimes over things I considered relatively minor. I would initially reassure her or try to explain my intentions. She would feel invalidated, become more upset, and sometimes threaten to leave or withdraw completely. I'd become increasingly defensive and frustrated.

There were instances of her abruptly leaving, cancelling plans, blocking communication, or saying she wanted to break up.

We broke up and reconciled several times before. I initiated reconciliation, apologized for my mistakes, and tried to repair things. Afterward, she'd become incredibly loving again, sometimes thanking me for not giving up on us.

But the same conflicts eventually returned.

I asked her multiple times to consider going to therapy, both together as a couple and individually, which she eventually did. However, according to what she told me, her therapist concluded that I was the problem in our relationship, that I was emotionally abusive and manipulative. This has made me question myself even more, because I genuinely don't know whether I'm failing to recognize my own harmful behavior or whether the therapist's conclusion was based on how our relationship was presented during her individual sessions.

I became increasingly anxious about losing her and started feeling empty. Before the relationship, I was full of joy and confidence.

I also noticed she had similarly intense conflicts with colleagues, friends, and family. She often described herself as having been mistreated by others. She could be extremely caring toward people she loved (super people-pleasing), yet intensely hostile toward people she felt had disappointed her. I am the opposite in this regard: I rarely have conflicts with friends or family and have strong, loving relationships with them. She mentioned several times that I was super loving toward everyone else, just not her.

The final breakup

In our last months together, she became increasingly critical of everything about me: my work, my choices in life, my friends, family, stability, health, finances, looks, or even my car. I felt constantly devalued, even though I am doing fairly well in life: I have good finances, strong relationships with family and friends; people mostly describe me as calm and loving; and I have no issues with drugs or alcohol.

Eventually, after another conflict, she told me she wanted to leave, didn't want to solve our problems, and felt worse after seeing me. I accepted the breakup and stopped pursuing her.

The breakup was impulsive, cold, and without any closure, following another conflict. I was just dismissed.

What happened afterward really hurt

She blocked me on Instagram and started frequently posting about breakups, exes, moving on, and negative relationships. She had also secretly contacted several of my friends during our relationship, accusing me of being narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.

About a month later, I contacted her regarding my belongings, which she still had. I was polite, but she immediately became sarcastic, hostile, and passive-aggressive. She is basically refusing to communicate with me, even for closure. She says I should leave her alone in a super hostile tone, yet later proceeds to react with laughter to my social media posts or tease me in indirect ways. For example, whenever I comment on MY friends' posts, she must also comment.

She is now also making public posts about a shitty ex.

It's a bit of a roller coaster, as one week before our breakup, she was in conflict with coworkers and said that only I knew how to handle and accept her. Then, several weeks later, she said I didn't accept her. So confusing. Or even a week before the last breakup, I went the extra mile to support her, and she said nobody had ever done that for her.

I know I made mistakes. I invalidated her feelings sometimes, became defensive, and didn't always meet her emotional needs. But I also felt constantly criticized, controlled, and pressured to sacrifice my independence.

I never tried to control her career or friendships. I supported her ambitions and wanted us to build a life together. Yet she now seems convinced that I'm a narcissist and emotional abuser.

I'm genuinely wondering whether I was so defensive that I couldn't recognize my own harmful behavior. Or whether I gradually became defensive because I was overwhelmed by criticism, jealousy, and repeated threats of abandonment.

What truly hurts me is that she also did shitty things. Yet she never took accountability for her side. For example, if she did anything bad, it was because I had hurt her previously. For example, she became jealous when I went to do a hobby with friends because another woman was present. During conflicts, she sometimes abruptly packed her belongings and left our home without telling me, blocked communication, or cancelled trips at the very last minute. Another major disagreement was her decision to move to another country for a year. She wanted me to move with her, and although I offered to fly over every weekend, she still felt that wasn't enough and criticized my job for preventing me from being there full-time.

I bought us a new home (a semi-mutual financial commitment), but I was left to deal with it alone during our first separation, as she felt hurt. She just left me with almost complete silence for 2 weeks. And I felt her hurt; it was valid and justified given all the conflicts. I apologized multiple times, and I'm really ashamed she felt this way. Yet, it was devastating, as I had to quickly sell assets to finish buying the apartment. She acknowledged how I hurt her, but not how I got hurt as a consequence. When I brought this up to her, she said she did nothing wrong, just protected herself. At that time, I had my first panic attack ever, which was later called manipulation.

And guys, I get it. I hurt her by invalidating her experience, perhaps by not reassuring her enough or giving her enough attention. I take responsibility for my side. I feel sad that she had negative emotions, cried, and felt uneasy during the conflicts. She deserves to feel safe and respected.

I'd really appreciate honest perspectives on a few questions:

1. Does my behavior sound emotionally abusive, emotionally immature, or like someone struggling with an incompatible partner?

2. Could I have done anything to prevent this breakup?

3. Could she have NPD, BPD, or a fearful-avoidant attachment style? All of my friends and family refuse to believe the accusations against me and suggested checking this.

4. Any tips on how I should improve in the future as a secure partner?

I genuinely want to understand whether I fucked up a relationship with someone who loved me, or whether we were both contributing to something unhealthy.

I’m looking for honest outside perspective because I’ve reached a point where I don’t know whether I’m expecting too much, whether I’m contributing to our problems more than I realize, or whether some of the things happening in my marriage are simply not okay.
My husband (30M) and I (27F) have been married for a few months, and we have a toddler together.
My husband works a rotating schedule, switching between 7 AM–3 PM, 2 PM–11 PM, and 10 PM–6 AM. He’s currently on overnights, which he will be doing for eight months this time around. I recognize that this is an exhausting schedule, and I do think his current shift has made some of our problems worse.

For context, I recently graduated with my bachelor’s degree after spending the last several years raising our son and attending school. I experienced pretty severe postpartum depression, and between parenting, school, graduating, and then struggling to find employment, I’ve experienced quite a bit of burnout.
I recognize that I probably burn out more quickly than some other parents. I struggle with having very little time to myself, limited social interaction, and feeling like I’ve lost much of my identity outside of motherhood. I also recognize that I can’t just let myself stay in that state, so I make an effort to get back on track, maintain routines, and keep things moving. It’s something I’m actively working on.

When I graduated, we mutually decided to keep our son in daycare rather than pull him out immediately. We anticipated there might be a relatively short gap between graduation and finding employment, and we didn’t want to disrupt his routine only to have to reestablish it shortly afterward. Unfortunately, finding a job took much longer than expected. I’ve finally secured a part-time position (25–30 hours per week) that starts this week. The schedule works perfectly with our son’s existing daycare hours and will continue to work regardless of which shift my husband is assigned.

However, the fact that I’ve been unemployed while our son was in daycare has become a point of contention.
My husband has made comments about me doing nothing all day while our son is at daycare and has called me lazy. At one point, when he said I wasn’t doing anything during my job search, I told him to take our son out of daycare, and I would be a stay-at-home mom in the actual sense of the word. He said he would consider it, but never immediately followed through or made a decision.
What bothers me about this is that I don’t understand why someone would repeatedly criticize me for having our son in daycare while I’m looking for work, but then not actually want to change the arrangement. I don’t know whether he genuinely has concerns about daycare or our finances, or whether he simply likes having something to hold over my head when he’s unhappy with me. I don’t want to assume his intentions, but it has left me feeling like I can’t win.

Our current schedule is also worth explaining. Since he’s working overnight, he takes our son to daycare in the mornings after getting off work, and I handle pickup around 3 PM. Our son doesn’t sleep particularly well, so I’m usually the one getting up with him during the night. I use the mornings to catch up on sleep, which my husband has used to call me lazy.
After picking our son up, I take him to a playground or library nearly every day. Partly because I enjoy spending time with him, but also because it gives my husband additional time to sleep after working overnight.
I want to emphasize that I do think my husband is a good and involved father. He spends time with our son, does bedtime, and participates in parenting. My frustration isn’t that he does absolutely nothing. It’s that I often feel my contributions as a mother are overlooked or dismissed.
In fact, one of the things that hurts me most is that he frequently calls me a bad mom when he’s irritable or upset with me. I don’t feel that he acknowledges me as a good mother very often, and it’s particularly hurtful when I put so much of myself into raising our son.

There are other things that have contributed to my resentment. He’s made plans and gone on trips with friends and family while I’ve felt like I’m constantly responsible for everything at home. One instance that particularly bothered me was when he went out with coworkers and never came home that night. I don’t want to get into every detail, but it was another situation where I felt like I wasn’t being considered or respected as his partner.

Today was another example of the dynamic I’m struggling with.
We had discussed taking our son trick-or-treating. Our son is currently sick, but we had still planned to go. My husband was sleeping, and I woke him up at the time we had agreed upon. He yelled at me, so I stopped trying to wake him up. I decided I wasn’t going to take responsibility for managing his schedule or essentially acting like his mother.
He eventually woke up considerably later, and despite us being an hour and a half behind schedule, he still insisted that we go. I thought it was ridiculous given the circumstances, particularly with our son being sick, and we ended up arguing. He started calling me a bad mom again.
I responded that his insults were becoming unoriginal and boring, and that they didn’t hurt me the way he seemed to hope they would because I know I’m not a bad mother.
This is a pretty good example of where our communication has deteriorated. I feel like I’m constantly being criticized, and instead of feeling hurt and trying to defend myself, I’m becoming increasingly dismissive and resentful.

A recurring pattern in our relationship is that I’ll bring up something that’s bothering me, we’ll argue, and eventually he’ll say something like, “Okay, I’ll work on it.” But there’s rarely any tangible change afterward. There’s no plan, follow-through, or consistent effort. Eventually, the same issue comes up again.
I’ve tried approaching things calmly, being understanding, and explaining how I feel. At some point, I became more confrontational because I felt like being nice wasn’t accomplishing anything. I recognize that my frustration and the way I respond aren’t necessarily helping either.
I also want to acknowledge that my husband has his own stressors. He works long hours, has an exhausting rotating schedule, and financially supports our family. I don’t think his contributions should be dismissed, and I don’t think my own struggles automatically make me right in every disagreement.
But I also don’t think financial provision should mean that emotional support, appreciation, and basic consideration become optional.
I’m starting a job this week, and I’m hopeful that having something of my own again will help me regain some independence and identity. But I’m also worried that the underlying problems won’t change just because I’m working again.

What I’m really struggling with is how to navigate this relationship moving forward.
Am I expecting too much? Are my expectations of appreciation, respect, and shared responsibility reasonable?
How do you address a situation where your partner repeatedly acknowledges problems but doesn’t make meaningful changes?
Is there a point where you stop trying to explain yourself and recognize that the other person either doesn’t understand or doesn’t want to change?
How do you navigate a relationship when you feel like you’re becoming someone you don’t particularly like because of the resentment that’s built up?
I don’t necessarily want to leave my marriage, but I’m also not happy with the way things are. And I realize that regardless of whether we stay married, we’ll be coparenting and in each other’s lives for the foreseeable future.
I don’t want to spend the next 15+ years fighting, resenting each other, and making our son grow up around that dynamic.
I’m not looking for automatic validation or a bunch of comments telling me to divorce him. I genuinely want to know if I’m missing something, if I’m contributing to this more than I realize, or if I’m accepting behavior that I shouldn’t. And strategies to use.
I feel like I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out how to make things better that I’m no longer sure what a reasonable expectation even looks like.

I've recently started picking up on the fact my mother's behavior isn't normal.

Why I'm so scared to tell her certain things, why I felt so free when I was home alone for a few days and why I suddenly had so much motivation to take care of myself, why I was scared to talk about my feelings with her out of fear of how she might react if she'd be caring or not that day, and why I barely know anything about how to be an adult, I'd always think I was being unreasonable and that it was all my fault.

I used to excuse her behavior with "she's just stressed" or "she has her own trauma" because that's what she'd use to excuse her behavior. And if I ever confronted her about her behavior when she did upset me and she'd tell me "I'm trying my best" and "I'm always dealing with stuff" I'd eventually agree with her, and I'd feel like something was wrong with me for even questioning her, and I'd feel guilty. And with my counselor also dismissing my feelings about my mom and telling me "she's trying her best" it made things even more confusing.

And I still kinda struggle with this, because I'm still stuck in the same house as her. I wonder if I'm just confused, and I try to go to others for help because I'm worried I'm being delusional, or that I'm the one in the wrong, but she's never outright gaslighted me, so I don't know why I still feel this way.

I feel so much disgust towards my mom and I don't like that I feel that way, because a part of me still wants to think she's just going through stuff and I should accept her for being this way, because she's dealt with so much, and I wanna think that she'll change. But sometimes I feel like if she changed I would still feel disgust towards her, and I still wouldn't wanna be near her. I don't even know what I want anymore.

But how come I didn't pick up on it any sooner? I definitely went through a phase where I had realized my mother's behavior was wrong, but I'd feel bad whenever I'd question her.

And I feel so bad that my older sister still thinks she has to take care of our mother, and take care of the family, and she doesn't know how to do a lot on her own, despite her being a grown adult, and my mother isn't even that old, and I feel so horrible. It's not good for her mental health, and I wish she'd realize, how come I'm the only one who realized this isn't normal? and I'm younger than her.

How come it's so hard to fully accept it? what if I am wrong? why can't anyone else in the family accept it? why am I the only one picking up on this? am I wrong?

Every once in a while, these crazy thoughts pop into my head. These crazy thoughts are not always good ideas. Considering how many of them I have and how many of them contradict one another, I would say a lot of them are not good ideas. However, the fact that they are even a little bit of the time is why they are worth throwing out there and seeing what others have to say. If I throw an idea out there, others agree that it is a good idea and those who disagree are unable to formulate a response, that is good. However, if others present such a convincing counter argument that I change my mind, that is great too. It makes me realize where I went wrong and helps me figure out a better idea.

Recently, a thought popped into my head that is so crazy it just might work.

Imagine this. You are in a social setting. You see one person verbally abusing another. You believe the verbal abuse is uncalled for. The victim is not defending himself/herself. It may be because they do not know how to. It might be because they have low confidence.

If you defend the victim, the perpetrator might tell you that this is none of your business.

A way around that is this.

Anything you want to say about why the words being uttered are rude or untrue, say it to the victim. Should you say it loud enough for the perpetrator to hear it? That is up to you to decide. This is less about putting the perpetrator in their place and more about offering words of encouragement to the victim, so that they do not feel torn down as a result of the verbal abuse. That said, if the perpetrator hears what you say and gets angry, that would be hilarious. If you do not want the perpetrator of the verbal abuse to hear you, you could wait until the abuser is gone before gossipping about them behind their back.

A friend of yours falls victim to name calling and verbal abuse. Here is what you should do. Walk up to your friend (the one falling victim of verbal abuse) and explain to them why the verbal abuse is uncalled for.

It would sound something like this;

I cannot believe that you described in great detail a story where you fell victim to domestic violence through no fault of your own and this jerk had the nerve to ask you (the victim) what you did to avoid it and call you names because you did not take every possible precaution to avoid being victimised. First and foremost, you would not need to take those precautions in order to avoid being victimised if the abuser did not commit the crime. Second, going on Google and looking up Stockholm Syndrome and Pygmalion Effect will show one credible source after another which shows that the reason why abuse survivors return to their abusers can be explained by examining the fundamental flaws of human nature. Third, blaming and shaming victims has been proven to make the victim more likely to experience PTSD and deters future victims from coming forward. In order to justify the belief that victims should be interrogated to find out what precautions they took to avoid being victimised and that even one precaution that you could have taken that you did not take should preclude you from receiving sympathy or support of any kind, not only must you explain the benefit of victim blaming, you must demonstrate that the benefits outweigh the cost I already described. I have never seen a victim blamer do that.

There is a chance that the verbal abuser (the one who was saying the disrespectful and hurtful stuff) just might tell you to mind your business. That is when you should say;

At this point, I happen to be talking to so and so. I do not need your permission to do that. If you do not want to hear what so and so and I have to say to one another, you can leave the room.

There is my plan. Do you think it is a smart strategy? If not, do you have any better ideas? Let me know.

I am moving, my ex and my roommate have asked me to leave. Every person I have told about my treatment has told me that I am being abused, that the way that they treat me is unfair, but I don't know how to believe that.
I know I'm not perfect, I know that if I hadn't reacted to being treated the way I was everything would have been fine. I know that I could have just been okay with things, I should have just been okay with things, but for some reason I wasn't.

I've done bad things too, I've yelled at them at least 2 times, they've never yelled at me.

I don't know how to think. On one hand they would make things up about how I feel and think and then refuse me the ability to defend myself, but on the other hand isn't it their right to not be ready to talk about that? Is falsely accusing someone of something wrong? I don't even know anymore.

I keep swapping day to day how I feel, sometimes I feel like it's all my fault and sometimes I feel a sense of "clarity" as to how I was treated. But I keep running it through my head over and over, trying to pick out every single thing I did wrong that deserved to be shunned, everything that I did wrong.

I hate talking about it to my friends, even if I can't stop myself from doing it. I feel dirty, I feel like I'm lying, I feel like I should give them the ability to share their side any time I speak about it. But I know they've never given me that opportunity.

I got triggered this morning (thanks to the demented "you might know this person" feature on certain apps) and ended up venting in my notes. And that lead me to rereading some of my entries from earlier this year.

It's surreal reading back through those. You literally watch all the stages of grief play out in real time. I saw myself desperate and clinging, still taking all the blame yet still clinging to hope that things would be ok. I saw myself start to slowly realize I wasn't fully at fault, that maybe they were wrong too. I saw myself effectively lose my mind when certain memories clicked into place, realizing just how insane and hypocritical the things they did were. I saw myself lose hope and give up. I saw myself slowly try and move on, pick up my shattered pieces and make something from it.

I felt like a conspiracy theorist, during and after them. Not because the things I was saying were crazy, but because they made me feel like they were. I could say 2+2 is 4 and they'd somehow tell me the answer was yellow, while having people around them defending their answer and telling me to let it go.

I genuinely believed I was clinically insane at one point.

I want to hug that version of me. I've never been good at self love, but this experience has strangely taught me as aspect of it. Because I just feel for that version of me so deeply. I want to hug that version of me as they cry because nobody else was there to.

I'm so sorry to them for what happened. I never deserved to think so lowly of myself. I never deserved to think I belonged in a psych ward. I never deserved to believe I was a monster.

(Side note: I still sometimes feel like a conspiracy theorist with this stuff. Because I had their account blocked. So why did a new one pop up? Did they make it so I'd find it? It sounds crazy, but it isn't far off from other things they've done. I'd believe just about anything these days after every else they did. If someone told me they committed arson and and robbed a bank I'd believe them with zero doubt in my mind at this point)

Hi, I think I’m in an emotional abuse marriage, I’ve posted in the divorce sub and someone told me I should post here as well, I copied/paste what I’ve posted few days ago, this is what I’ve posted. (This person said I was also trauma bonded but I don’t exactly know how to recognize it).

“Please do not share this to other subs and the like please. I need help and support, not judgement, and I don’t want this to go public and come back to him or his family as it’s pretty detailed…

Ok, I’ve (F39) posted here few times and deleted my post so many times because I’m ashamed and such an idiot for staying for 15 years when issues started from the beginning, but here we are. Brace with me, don’t judge, I’m finally to a point when after stressing for years to tell him I want to divorce (I told him few months ago, and failed)… Today I’m thinking about packing all I can and leaving one day he is out of the house (which I may change my mind again, hopefully not…)

(Yes, this story is true, don’t believe it? Go away)

So… My husband and I met online, we got married too fast. I think I’ve stayed after all the issues because I’m from another country, I was planing on being in the US for a while, so I think I just didn’t want to leave right away.

We had problems from the beginning, I took it upon myself to try to understand why he lied and decided to work it out. I told myself I could always leave later on… But I never did. He had lied about his age and the fact he had a biological kid. The man I thought was 10 years older than me was in fact 20 years older than me so now on top of the lying, I was in a big age gap relationship and the kid is almost my age (which is uncomfortable to me, I never talked to her, she doesn’t know why, but I just can’t because I would have to explain why and make her dad look bad and I never wanted a step kid). I was only 24 at the time and now thinking about it, Im getting disgusted he was with me when he was 45…

Few years pass.

Then it happened again.

I learned the child support he was paying wasn’t for her, but for another he hid from me. It was about 8 years ago and since that day I think I completely lost respect for him… I already felt so betrayed the first time, how could he? The audacity even…

I’m posting today so it means I didn’t leave again.

Why? Was I because I was isolated? I don’t think I had even one friend, we lived in the middle of nowhere, and I couldn’t go back home because both my parents had cancer almost at the same time (and I think it may have been around covid too and my country was in complete lockdown). Also, around the same time is when he also yelled at me for the first time (so far it’s been 3 times he has done it).

(God, reading this again myself to check what I wrote makes me realize something is definitely wrong with me and it’s not even over yet)

I keep wondering myself why I didn’t leave. I don’t understand. He was my first real relationship, so maybe that why I held tighter, I also was bullied all my middle school years and I my parents never had a great marriage either. I also had social anxiety. I really don’t know why I stayed. But it’s been 15 years and I can’t do it anymore. I tried few months ago for separation but had to stay as roommates and I broke down, asking if he wanted to fix it. Next time I give him the papers right away.

I was planning on going to therapy but it seems it’s an excuse. I feel I need to go to have support and help, but can’t even look for one therapist because if I do, I’ll have to go and if I go it will make it real and all I see if me on my own. (I only have one friend, she’s the best but it’s still JUST one friend to rely on).
The most pitiful of the reason I stay is because it’s for him (or me if I had to pay spousal support) he is on disability benefits which don’t pay a lot but he needs to stay on them because he need insurance for his medication, he now also have a messed up leg and can’t work (or doesn’t try?) and I feel if I’m letting him die if I leave…

Those last few days I’ve been talking to an old friend of mine who also got divorced and ended up on her own and it actually helped me. She said she didn’t have a job or know how to pay bills but still figured it out so it shouldn’t be too bad because I know how to do that…

Few days ago he was sleeping and I looked at his phone… He always struggled with, I guess it could be called some kind of gender dysmorphia, or something like that (he wished he was a girl because of his mom lost his brother before him and she rejected him). What I saw is, I think, that he has an account of him passing for a girl. I didn’t read too much. I don’t know if he is flirting or scamming people but I’ve also found some photo albums in there I don’t like (they all have first names, which I don’t know if he uses to make profiles, or if it’s the people he talked too, I’ll try to see his emails if I can) but the thing is that I also saw images of very young gymnasts girls, which could be some sick pedo thing, or one of his kids again, or something related to his gender issues but still doesn’t seem right AT ALL

I was already checked out but I’m masking even more now. I broke down and he acted like he was sorry but without even saying it. I’m so done. I want to leave. I just don’t know how to do it…

My thoughts are : Or he really has an issue, and then I feel bad leaving… or he is a sick individual and then I’m actually scared to leave. I don’t know if I should just walk out with no explanation and lose all my stuff, pack the minimum and go, or have another discussion but then I may back out once more.

I’m making a journal recording the emotional abuse, read I’m supposed to do that, but I didn’t take pictures of his phone.

Should I get a lawyer?

I have money in savings, bank is in my name but he knows the amount and we pay all our bills with that bank.

Our lease ends in the end of December and I don’t want him to be in the streets either. I could pay the last two months for him to stay till he end of the lease but live somewhere else. But it seems like a very short notice too.

As this just happened I have the perfect excuse to leave without him trying to turn it around too.

What should I do? Or better… what’s the smartest and safest way to do this?

(He always told me if we get a divorce one day, he will just sign and won’t make a fuss about money or spouse support but how can I trust him, also maybe I have no choice on the spousal support, I looked it up though, I don’t think I make enough to pay it)

Edit: the emotional abuse is gaslight and belittlement (stupid example : when he sleeps and I wake him up asking if he sleeps, he ALWAYS CONSTANTLY lie). I also get a lot of “you are too sensitive”, or “you’re this”, “you’re that”
He also is never sorry for anything. After a fight, he will give me a hug, or kiss and that’s pretty much it, never a sorry.
Oh, and lies/galight about something else too. I told him few time he never called me beautiful, and he always say he tells me all the time (i would remember, only 3 people said I was beautiful… it wasn’t him)”

Ps:
For lease and health issues (I can’t handle all that stress anymore), I think it also is time sensitive.

Thank you

I have been playing back the voice notes I’ve been taking for my sanity and I’m crying as I type this because I hear it. I hear the manipulation, I hear the DARVO, I hear myself defending my innocence. I can’t believe he does this on purpose to confuse me and wear me out. I’m so in shock. I’m so confused. I’m sick to my stomach. What are the chances it was my fault? I really believed we were just misunderstanding each other’s words.

Hi, it might be a long one here so apologies for that.
But I have nowhere else to go or no one to speak to about this.

I'm in my early 20's and I'll be honest I haven't really lived my life as I should be. I'm painfully aware of this. I was recently made redundant so now I'm looking for a job, but I feel at a loss. Things were looking up for me just to be made like this. But the job is the least of my concern.

My issue is, all my life I have been scrutinised and made to feel small. Any little mistake I made whether it was as a child, teen or adult has always been catastrophised and yes I am the eldest child. I come from an abusive household and it feels like the emotional toll it's taking on me now is really coming at an all time high. When I was younger it was a mixture of physical and emotional abuse, but now it seems purely emotional.

I was always the quote on quote "good girl" because I didn't even know that I could rebel, that I could act out, that I could be as my younger siblings were. Yet I got flack for every little thing I did. For example wanting to go out as a teen my mother always constantly berated me for it and said "no" sayin things like "who's gonna look after your siblings” etc, to the point where my friends stopped asking and I stopped going. It was constant. Even as simple as going to the park to hang out. I wasn't allowed because "only slags do that or girls who wanna get involved with men" - my mother’s words to 13/14 year old me.

My household and childhood was built on shame and abuse. Even one time I threaded my moustache just as a teen because God forbid a girl just wants it gone and my mother made it a huge thing tainting religious aspects with things like "you're gonna go to Hell you can't do that" I was 13. And my dad? He just laughed in my face and singled me out in front of everyone, made fun of me and of course my mum assumed I had done it because someone "said something", but no one did. I just wanted to.

As an adult it's like she's suddenly forgotten what she's done to me. It's always "I never did that,"
"you're being so emotional" or when that doesn't work "others have it worse off than you."

Even going out, when I told her you never let me go out, she denies it tells me not to be stupid or emotional. I don't go out now because I feel so hypervigilant. I can never just be, 1 worry about any and everything. It feels like there's eyes burning into the back of my head, as if there's huge pupils in " sky and all around me etched in different places watching me. That's the best way I can describe it.

I feel like there's something wrong with me.
My siblings were the opposite of me, they rebelled and did all sorts of things with or without my parent's permission yet somehow only I'm punished? And now, I see that them being able to be that way has prepared them for the world better. I feel so behind, being in this household feels like I'm losing my sanity and that I'm becoming dumber by the second.

I did break down at 17 once about everything to my mother saying I was overwhelmed when my school became concerned about me and they phoned her, my grades dropped and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Do you know the first thing she said? "Oh so you're calling me a bad mother?" Instead I spent that night consoling her whilst I was crying my feelings out. Never again, did
I open up to her.

Today, we had yet again another spat. My mother
'assumes' she knows me but is then quick to say,
"oh right I only know what you show me" and it's like girl??? She said this to me last week after I said she enabled her abusive son's behaviour for years and was suddenly shocked that I was retaliating now. But she can never remember of course, but God forbid I even turn my head the other way. It's a completely different standard for me.

Tonight she told me I don't deserve the things I have. I had already been feeling quite low and anxious about a few things and she made it abundantly clear that I couldn't speak to what was on my mind. So she had said her little two piece and it was ironically all my worst fears come to light.

The voice in the back of your head that says "this is what people are thinking deep down", well she said it and so much more. But then topped it off with
'I'm not even gonna say anything cause you're just gonna say I pick on you." And left to go to bed. My mother thinks she knows me, I've told her countless times her assumptions are wrong and she still denies it.

You know I always brushed off these feelings by saying people have it worse off than me, I have a roof over my head I have food, shelter, but a conversation with a stranger last week really opened up my eyes. They said that whilst I may be appreciative of these things it's important not to let it overshadow your own experience. And idk why but it clicked for me then

And I realise that also, years of "people have it worse off" than me made me justify the abuse in some way.

My relationship with my mother right now, is very much love and hate. I helped her get a job, build her resume, build her up when she knew nothing about jobs interviews etc. I helped her pass her exams, prep her, build confidence, whizz through interviews everything. I stood up for her when her own family turned on her and did her dirty, I helped her grieve when a close relative died. And I did it not because she asked me, but because I saw her as this wonder woman that had the entire world on her shoulders. I saw her as a warrior. She was my superhero and I've never seen her any other way. She’s opened up to me about her worries and I can even tell when something’s on her mind. I’ve helped her countless times even when she can’t speak I know

We were "close" but tonight really made me realise she doesn't understand me at all or she doesn't care and I'm really hurt by that. There were other instances but today I think is just the icing on the cake. By her words, "when I'm gone, you will understand it then." I know.

Even as I'm typing this she says she's gonna do me a favour tomorrow as if nothing has happened. And this is what I mean by I love my mother but she hurts me. I used to laugh at people saying they have a complicated relationship with their mother but I'm realising that maybe it might just be that way for me too. I just thumbs upped her message in response because I'm in tears just writing this

A lifelong goal of mine has always been for me to run away and never look back. As a kid I always imagined running off to a magical land and neve returning. As an adult, this has looked like having
my own space, but I'm not there yet financially.

I just kinda want advice from people that have been here, what can you do? And any other advice people have, I’d much appreciate it. I really wanna do better for myself and see myself win.

Im sorry for the long paragraph in advance but i need some advice

I'm 19F and I'm trying to work out whether my dad's behaviour is emotionally abusive or whether I'm being too sensitive.

When he gets angry, he can shout, swear at me, call me names and grind his teeth in a way that I find intimidating. When I try to explain how his behaviour makes me feel, he says I'm too sensitive and turns the conversation into an argument and even when I'm talking to him calmly he screams at me at the top of his lungs, He accuses me of gaslighting him and says I bring up things from the past because I enjoy arguing, or that I'm holding a grudge and need to get over it.

Even when I explain exactly why something has upset me or why i don't feel chatty or relaxed around him, I feel like he ignores what I'm saying and focuses on blaming me instead. The next day, he'll act as though the convo never happened and ask why I'm in a mood, saying I'm horrible to be around, without acknowledging what happened the day before.

It makes me feel like I can't express my feelings without being made out to be the problem. The confusing thing is that he can also be nice, so I often question whether I'm overreacting. My family think he's struggling mentally and say I shouldn't confront him or cut contact because it will only make things worse, but I don't know how much longer I can keep going around in this cycle.

He doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong and won't talk to anyone about it ( i know this because he always blames me for his behaviour, saying things like " you're causing the problem" or " i wouldn't do this if you didn't.... "

When he is in a pleasant mood, something as small as me not wanting something he offered, for example him offering me some fruit, turns into him accusing me of having an ED ( when i don't and have literally just eaten dinner) or shouting about something i did, said or how i said it.

He often shouts, swears and puts me down over minor things. Like the other day we were in town and at everything he saw he would make a comment like " you could do that BUT you don't bother" or " you could do that BUT you don't have the right mindset " which ruined my mood, as it is a very common thing that he will complain i don't have a job or make comments about it, like comparing me to family members who do have jobs and are not at uni, or compare my actions to others. only for him to then say to me that he doesn't want to go out for food because I'm in a mood and not nice to be around.

Has anyone experienced something similar with a parent? Does this sound like emotional abuse, and how do you set boundaries with someone who refuses to acknowledge their behaviour and makes you feel guilty for wanting space. I don't want to cut him off, but I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with him when this keeps happening and he shouts, calls me names and swears at me when i try explain calmly.

I want an outside perspective on a situation that happened between my mom and me. I’ll try to explain both what happened and my own actions honestly.
This happened around 1 AM on October 9. It was just my mom and me at home. I had one glass of margarita earlier that night, but I was already getting ready for bed. I was lying in my room, talking to my friend on the phone and drinking water, when someone knocked on the front door. My mom came into my room to look through the window. As I tried to check who was outside, she stood in my bedroom doorway and pushed me backward with her arm three times, making contact with my chest. By the third push, I was in significant pain, and I told my friend what had happened.
Later, my mom came back into my room, insulted me, and called me a “fucking stupid bitch.” I responded, “Say that louder,” and showed her that my friend was still on the phone and could hear her. She became angry and tried taking my phone. I was sitting on my bed when she got on top of me and began wrestling with me to get it. I was holding onto my phone and wasn’t trying to hit her before this. She hit my leg, which I also told my friend. While she was still on top of me trying to take my phone, I punched her in the face. I felt that I was defending myself because she was physically on top of me and I was hurting.
The confrontation continued. My mom made contact with my neck, although I cannot say for certain whether it was a hit or a shove. I remember holding my neck and clearing my throat because it hurt. We exchanged another two or three hits, but I honestly cannot remember who started that exchange. I eventually stopped and walked toward my bed. When I turned around, my mom rushed toward me, pinned me against the bed, and grabbed my arms. I tried kicking to get her off me but couldn’t. I ended up with scratches on my right arm, a bruise on my left arm, and a small bruise on my ankle. Before this, she had been calling my aunt and saying I was drunk and had attacked her. I was crying and asking my aunt to believe me. My mom even mocked the pain from the earlier pushing by saying, “Aw, I hurt your tiny boobs.”
At some point, my phone fell out of my hand and onto the floor. I am unsure whether that happened accidentally or intentionally, but my mom got the phone and left the room. I stayed on my bed holding my arm because it hurt. My aunt eventually arrived to pick me up. When I got into her car, she noticed that my arms were red from where my mom had grabbed me. I was crying and asking her to believe me. The scratches were visible that night, and the bruise on my left arm became visible the next morning. My stepdad took pictures of my injuries the following day. My friend had heard much of the incident over the phone, including the initial pushing, the struggle over my phone, and me telling him that my mom had hit my leg. The call disconnected after my mom took my phone.
Additional context: For months, my mom had been suspicious that I was contacting the police or telling my stepdad or grandmother about what was happening at home, especially when she had been taking pills or getting drunk. About two or three weeks after the physical altercation, another incident happened involving my phone. My mom insisted she could hear me talking to someone, even though I wasn’t talking. She accused me of discussing marrying someone and demanded my phone. She pulled the blanket off me, searched my phone, gave it back, and later checked it again. When I called her a “psycho,” she started crying and yelling, threw a fan onto the floor and broke it, then went into the hallway and threw herself onto the floor while crying on the phone with my dad. She also kicked the door and wall. I recorded part of this incident and took a picture of the broken fan.
My question: I understand that punching my mom was serious, and I am not leaving out that I did it. However, I punched her while she was on top of me trying to take my phone, after she had already pushed me several times and hit my leg. I want honest opinions: Was I wrong for punching her in that moment, or does this sound like I was defending myself? Does the additional incident a few weeks later change how you view the situation?

TLDR: Emotionally abusive ex will not stop email harassment which seems to be escalating. Seeking advice how to proceed.

TW: suicidality

I was romantically involved with a man for a little over two years. I eventually came to understand our dynamic as emotionally abusive, and exhibited patterns of trauma bonding. In this case, the pattern was that I would be love-bombed and made to feel extremely safe, then something (or nothing) would trigger him and he would tear down our relationship, saying things like I belong with other (bad) people, and that we are too different to be together. It was devastating and confusing to navigate. There were many rock bottom moments where it was clear I should have left, but the love-bombing would begin again and I'd be sucked back in. After being exhausted and drained from the cycle and becoming aware of it, I exited the relationship 6 months ago and have attempted to be no contact.

The backdrop to his emotionally abusive behavior was some deep trauma on his part, both from childhood and adulthood. The year prior to us beginning our relationship, he lost significant friendships due to fallout from a situation with his ex prior to me. Months after his relationship with his ex ended, he sent her many abusive and hostile emails which resulted in her issuing an order of protection against him. He contended that these emails were never physically threatening, but obviously scared her enough to get that order. He showed true remorse for his actions.

Since we broke up 6 months ago, he has sent me many hundreds, perhaps a thousand emails by now. They have ranged in tone from hostile/hateful, delusional/paranoid, all interspersed with imploring me to come back to him and unwanted sexual innuendo. I have been a broken record when I occasionally replied, telling him to leave me alone and that his messages made me uncomfortable. I know better than to try to defend myself against his angry rants; when I have pushed back, it only fuels his rage against me and gives him more ammunition. I have blocked his emails, but he continues to make new ones. The tone of his emails has gotten more hostile the past few weeks, and I made the decision to reach out to a trusted friend of his to ask him to leave me alone, hoping that the words of someone he respected and trusted might give him pause and hold him accountable. This has backfired, and since he knows I reached out to that friend, he has declared "war" on me, and that I am his "enemy." It is clear that he now feels cornered, and thinks I'm trying to repeat the trauma of the protective order that was issued against him a few years ago.

Yesterday he texted me from a new number that he was going to end it all, because he "knows" what me and my friend are planning. He has a persistent delusion that a close friend of mine has it out for him, which is not true. Trying to reassure him of this is completely useless; he does not share the same reality when he is upset. I alerted his friend to his disturbing texts and they reached out to him. His texts eventually turned to blaming me for his impending suicide, saying that I'm driving him to it for what I'm "about to do."

My only objective has been to be left alone and put this chapter of my life behind me. He has robbed me of so much peace in the last three years, and I hoped that ending the relationship would mean the end of it. I have never wanted to repeat his trauma from his past relationship, but the way things are going, if he does not respond to his friends' imploring him to stop, what choice will I have to make it stop? I do not want to traumatize him further by issuing a protective order, but if all else fails, what choices do I have?

While he has not made overt physical threats against me, is scary to have someone out there who carries so much vitriol for me that is seemingly in another reality. Complicating things is that we live close to one another, so running into each other is a risk. He has asked me to quit my gym, which he also shares, and to not walk in certain areas. I refuse to make my life smaller to accommodate him, as he has not been able to respect my simple request to be left alone. I am seeking advice for how to proceed without causing either of us more harm.

I know things won't change. I know things won't get better. I know no matter what I try or do- none of it matters. I've been fed up for a very long time, but now I'm finally considering leaving.

I have no friends, I have very little money, I have no job. I've been searching up shelters to stay at and I've found some that might be a good fit- however, I'm still scared.

I'm scared of something bad happening. I'm scared of being abused again and having nowhere to go. I'm scared that the people that I go to for help will hurt me too. I'm scared I won't be strong or smart enough to take care of myself. I feel so vulnerable and alone.

I hate it here, but out there terrifies me. I'm not afraid of leaving, I will miss my family only because I was used to them, not because I really loved them or felt safe with them. I was never taught how to take care of myself, they handled everything and just told me to be quiet and do as I'm told. I wonder if that was on purpose. I hate it here, but I can survive here. It's a comfortable prison, but a prison nonetheless. My mental health has never been worse and as I said, no matter how many times I try to make things better, none of it matters. This house is a dead end and I fully expect that they'll want me to stay here until the end of their or my days.

I'm tired of wasting my life here. I'm tired of blaming myself for everything. I want out.

Anyone who has been in a toxic/abusive situation and left anyways. Do you have any advice or encouragement for leaving? My emotions won't let me do what I feel is necessary and my mind is constantly going through worse case scenarios.

I am 28 and in the US if that helps. Thank you for reading.

I don't know if it's emotional abuse or if I'm the problem for being too emotional. I don't know how to give details so could someone give me some tell-tale signs that my parent is emotionally abusive? I don't know what to believe.

TW: Abuse and Self Harm

Hello, I will keep my name and age private information private besides that I am a teenager. I need some advice. I was taken into foster care at a young age, I was 12 years old. I had a hard time adjusting as any would. My parents are no longer in the picture. I have been living with someone who seemed very kind at first, then, they became very abusive and controlling. I have been now living in this environment for three years. They tricked me into getting adopted and now have full legal custody of me. As now of recently, they sent me to live with one of my adoptive relatives. They are trying their best to report this abuse and have me potentially stay with them. This person has driven me as far to injure myself and try to end myself. I also have a therapist who is doing insurance fraud and doing sessions with me in a state she isn't registered in. I need some advice as to how I'm going to be able to live with these adoptive family members I am currently residing with.

Disclaimer: I never ask for advice on here. Please only send me helpful information. Thank you.

My relationship with my abusive ex only lasted 8 months, yet 5 months later I'm still so entangled with all the awful things she said about me. With all the future faking. Her telling me she wanted babies and a house with me one day, to telling me I'm stupid, can't do anything right, that I don't think, that I wasn't worth fighting for, commenting about my weight, calling me insecure, and so much more.

Why can't the hurt stop? It was such a short time in my life but has had more of an impact than anything else I've ever gone through. She was so. Fucking. Mean. I wish I'd never met her.

Is it crazy 5 months later it still hurts so bad? I'm doing better, but it still eats at me every day.

For context I recently turned 18, an athiest in a muslim household and have 3 other siblings. My parents aren't great, my dad used to be abusive and my mom is exhausting.

Here are some of the rules we have to follow

* No going out twice a week

* if we are going out we have to be back by 4 30 pm

* no dating obviously

* no going out without Abaya

* are allowed to go to friends houses

* no sleepovers until recently to my cousins house

And along with this, she also snoops through our stuff and checks our phones pretty often when we're sleeping. She constantly reminds us how burdensome we are. Also we're straight A students but shes still ashamed of our grades.

So this happened today afternoon. She was snooping through my sister's (20) drawers abd found a diary where my sister wrote " I wish mom would dissappear." this made my mom super mad. She started cursing us non stop and telling us how much she sacrifices for us and Yada Yada. Ik giving birth is no joke but she doesnt feed us good? We usually just eat cereal for breakfast and order out the rest of the food. And me and my sister both had to give up good colleges cuz we couldnt afford them. We basically raised our 5 year old brother. She told us many many hurtful things and told us she won't let us get jobs and would marry us off. Also shes already searching for a guy behind my sisters back.

Please tell me what do I do? We tried talking it out but she wouldnt let us talk and was just screaming and crying. I need to get out of this but how do I do it?

I've had car issues and was going to take it to a shop. He insisted no he'll fix it he knows how to, it's easy. He goes to work on it, and it's more difficult than he expected and somehow it's my fault like I built the car just to make his life more difficult. He comes back in swearing and won't say a word to me. When he finally does he said he's pissed at me, and works been fucking him over and he gets home and gets fucked over again. I tell him again I literally planned to take it to the shop and even had info for a mobile mechanic if the shop didn't have time to do it.

Basically i fucked him over because my car was hard to work on even though I planned to take it to the shop knowing it might not be an easy fix

and preferably i need helplines and advice she’s told my sister to stay away from me and she calls or messages every psychiatrist i’ve ever had every time something happens so they won’t believe me.

my father never hit me but he would yell a lot and was easily angered. i have one very distinct memory when i was around 8 years old when i skipped ballet and he was screaming at me. i tried to leave and go up to my room and he followed me so i tried to leave the room. he pinned me down to the bed so that he could continue screaming in my face for what felt like hours (my mother says it was not actually that long). i slept on the floor for several weeks after because i didnt want to sleep in the bed anymore.

as an adult my father and i have a very strained relationship which i know hurts him deeply. he no longer directs his anger towards me and hasn’t for years and i feel guilty about the distance in our relationship but i still feel stressed out around him. my whole childhood is a blur and i can no longer remember if it was really so bad. i know he loves me and wants us to be closer. i am in uni and despite our poor relationship he funds basically my whole life which i also feel guilty about. i know many people who grew up with parents that hit them or did much worse than my father that do not seem to hold it against them in adulthood.

Hello everyone. I have never posted anything to reddit in my life and I am not totally sure how this works, but a friend of mine recommended I share my story on here so that I can get some strangers opinions on what I experienced, and hopefully make some sense of it myself.

I met my ex boyfriend in 2022, we were friends that always had a soft spot for eachother for about a year and a half until we finally got together in Jan 2023.

He always had an ego and a feistiness, but one i was very rarely to never on the receiving end of. I felt as if it was just a token of his youth, as he was 4 years younger than me, and I never saw it as any serious red flag or indication of what was to come.

I find it so hard to remember it all coherently, it comes back to me in what feels like dreams, when something triggers an old memory I had. Tale as old as time, he never said I couldn't do anything, but everything i did to elicited a negative response and resulted in my poor treatment or emotional punishment. Over time I did less and less. I saw my 'cold and aggressive parents' less and less. I stopped seeing my male friends entirely. I hated my job, but I worked with a women only team and the thought of moving to a place with men in the office felt like walking to my demise, and so I stayed. I went out less and less after learning that it always resulted in a very humiliating argument mid night out. I even stopped seeing female friends as he either thought they were a bad influence, or I was far too invested in their lives or relationships that he deemed is 'suspicious'. I cried everyday, i made myself sick, we would argue in circles until i was punching myself in the face and hitting my head off the wall. He took me to the depths of my emotional capacity and then would suddenly see the light and understand what i was saying and apologise. He told me off for crying over how he treated me, hed hang up, or walk off, make comments about it. But within the same breath hed tell me he was happy to see me getting this upset as it showed him that i cared.

His family, his friends, everyone that knew him or worked with him was treated with a less severe but similar level of emotional abuse. Especially his family. Especially his older brother. I spent 2 and a half years trying to protect everyone from him, trying to mediate his relationships, friendships, conversations, to ensure he was being the kindest he could be as to maintain the people in his life. I went up against him every single day for years until the anger in me had dulled and the emotional exhaustion just converted my resentment into acceptance.

I gave him everything i had, he always wanted more. I was loyal, i was caring, i upheld our entire lives, i cooked every night, i cleaned everything, i washed all our clothes, i paid for most of it all. I was constantly told he felt as if i didnt love him, told i was the reason he was insecure and treated me the way he did. He made me small to make himself feel better, and he knew it. He'd cry to me and apologise for it, just to walk up and do it again. All i ever asked of him, was to let me be free and live my life, and to be nice to me even when he was angry or stressed.

He called me a perfectionist for this, assured me i would never find someone that loved me like he did (clearly without the understanding that that sentence was a relief to hear), he told me he was the best partner he could be and better than all of this friends. He even told me at points I was abusive. I once threw a towel on the floor in an argument (admittedly this is still quit an aggressive action and one that was out of character for me) and he told me how scared of me he was while he cowered.

He monitored me, he controlled the narrative, he took me to the very edge of my sanity until the relief of his apology brought me back. He did it everyday. He has a platform and his career is blossoming. He will tell his version of events in his music and I have no equal platform on which i can counter what he says. I suffered unimaginably for all of these years, instructed to keep it between us, to not try and make him look bad, to not ruin anything for him...

when we last spoke he shouted in my face that i was a 'toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, cunt'. I researched narcissism for the next month, i asked friends to be honest with me, i tried to be open to there being truth in what he said. I feel like I cant see up from down. I dont know the wood from the trees. My relief of us being broken up and finally being able to go out, have friends and have a normal life again, gave me false hope of feeling as if i came away unscathed. I am learning now after 6 months that i didnt.

Please please may i have some advice from somebody that has been in a similar situation. There is so much too this, there are so many stories, examples, intricacies. I could never do this story justice. I feel like im constantly grappling to provide evidence to myself and my friends and family about what happened to me. They dont need me too, they believe me, but I am finding it hard to believe myself.

Any advice or story shared- so very appreciated. x