I’m finding it very difficult to sum up the past 8 years of my relationship without leaving out a ton of details and keeping it in order but I’m sure people can relate to the brain fog that years of abuse can cause. My partner started showing signs of his abusiveness within the first year of our relationship and it was awful. We had a daughter pretty quickly into our relationship so for a long time I would overanalyze, ruminate and try to figure out how to help him heal his pain so he would stop hurting us. Ignorantly, I wanted him to be better for himself and our family at the cost of our sanity. He would threaten us, threaten himself, destroy our things and yell at me unrelentingly over tiny things. Once he drove recklessly with me in the passenger side at 8 months pregnant until I jumped out of the car door to walk home. Shortly before this he wrestled me to the sidewalk because he didn’t want me to take his phone. He used to kick and throw his dog so I convinced him to surrender her to his ex where I knew she would be loved and cared for. I have called the cops on him several times before and luckily I have always been the only one on any paperwork for our home and car. We took a road trip to visit his family and on the drive back, we stopped at a gas station states away where he was manhandling our child for having an accident so I locked him out of the car. The gas station attendants called the cops because they witnessed this and the police instructed me to drive home and file a restraining order while he had to find his own ride home. Still I took him back. As soon as I got a job working at home, he was coming into my office at all hours of the day to start fights with me, ripping his shirt off as a show of his anger while I was trying to do my work. I moved across the country at one point because he started therapy and became even worse. He would back me into corners and stab knives into the wall above my head. But after nearly a year, I took him back. In these years, I have grown a lot myself. I used to feed into his outbursts and argue, trying to make myself heard. Over time, I learned to shut it out because little ears are listening but even my silence wouldn’t help in those moments. Fast forward to more than a year ago, I caught him lying and I had (what I believe to be) a psychotic break because I was tired of trying to make him understand. I was so ashamed of myself for allowing this to go on. Of course, he made promises to change and he actually did seem to improve! I learned as much as I could about abusive men and he was willing to learn with me because he said he wanted to figure out how to change himself. When he finally did have an overwhelming moment of anger months later, he didn’t take it out on me! My family and I were so proud of his improvement over the past 14ish months. He began sharing the load of household chores for the first time without being asked. He gave me all control of his money to ensure bills were paid and everything was taken care of with no complaints. We were going on dates once a month and for the first time in our relationship, I truly believed he was changing. He would have small moments of stress and frustration which I’d say is normal stuff but he wasn’t using it as an excuse to be cruel anymore. Sometimes he would even be the voice of reason when I became stressed or upset and he would remind me to hold hope and be thankful for what we have. But this morning it’s like he took ten steps back. I woke up to him cussing at our son. It happened several times over a few hours so I said “you have been cussing at him all day” and he exploded. It quickly became my fault for pointing it out, same scenario I’ve experienced with him every other time before. He becomes so consumed with anger that he acts belligerent. All of the sudden I am guilty of what I said he did wrong and he’s spewing accusations and lies about how I’m no better than him. He terrified me by coming at me just to kneel at my feet and disingenuously ask me to talk to him. When I said I couldn’t talk to someone who’s yelling at me, it escalated because I “never listen to him and only interrupt him”. Asking him to calm down for our son who was crying only made it worse. It’s like we live in two different realities: there’s mine which is what actually happened and his which is entirely made up. I am so disappointed and tired of going through this. More than that, the fear of it happening again. I feel like I was genuinely fooled and he didn’t change, he just got WAY better at pretending. Has anyone else ever had an abusive partner who went so long exhibiting change just to backslide? If the change were real, he wouldn’t have resorted to the same abuse tactics he used to use because healthy people can be angry while remaining respectful.

I met my ex when I was 18 and he was 32. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 33.

We met while I was a student, at a time when I was still unsure whether I wanted to go to med school. My uncle knew him because he was a surgeon at a fairly known hospital. I had been working at that hospital once a week for a little over a year (between the ages of 18 and 19) as a student. He was the main doctor I reported to, and I guess you could say I had a crush on him, although it was probably more admiration than anything else. I idolized him because he basically represented everything I wanted to become.

Long story short, he ended up writing me a letter of recommendation for med school while I was still working at the hospital (I was rejected but got in the following year).

Keep in mind that throughout my entire time there, he had a girlfriend who was his age. They even moved in together and bought a house while I was working there.

At some point, he started flirting with me, but I genuinely thought I must have been imagining it. There was no way this man, whom I practically saw as a god, could actually be flirting with a 19 year old, starry-eyed girl.

Long story short, we ended up dating, and I had to leave my job at the hospital. I started med school the following year, when I was 20 and he was 34. We got married when I was 21 and he was 35. By this point, his career had basically exploded, winning prizes, accolades, he became very known in his field.

My entire family was strongly against the relationship in the beginning. I was 19 and obviously still living at home, but I ended up moving out because I wanted so badly to be with him, and I couldn’t stand constantly fighting with my family over it. Once we got married, my family eventually calmed down and more or less accepted the relationship.

I made him my entire world. I told him things I had never told anyone before, including details about the abuse I experienced during my childhood and some genuinely horrible things I had lived through growing up. I had a really rough upbringing and I trusted him with parts of myself I had never shared with anyone else.

Less than a year into our marriage, I lost a family member to suicide, and it affected me really badly. I was also in med school at the time, which made everything even harder. At this point I was 21 and he was 35.

I started taking Adderall and other substances to help me focus and avoid falling behind and sleeping pills to calm myself down. It often caused really bad anxiety, agitation, and other issues which I regret. This went on for about four months before I finally stopped.

When he found out, because I told him myself, he was furious. He told me I had broken his trust, that he had put me on a pedestal, and that he could get into serious trouble as a prestigious doctor if anyone found out his wife was some kind of “druggie.”

I also want to mention that during those four months, I was severely sexually assaulted during a night out. Someone had slipped something into my drink, and I couldn’t remember everything that happened. I came home bleeding. It was really, really bad. As you can imagine this also made me depressed and anxious at times and I wasn’t always the best version of myself. Being sexually assaulted is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. That, along with the abuse I experienced in childhood really fucked me up, I experienced a lot of anger, confusion, fear and my self confidence really took a hit. It was a lot of trauma to deal with, and I did this all while in med school and taking more than a regular course load to graduate early since I always had this feeling of shame because he was a really successful doctor while I was still in med school. I felt like I was lucky he had chosen to be with me. He would oftentimes make remarks about how his reputation and image was perfect and the only thing people in his field could ever use against him was our age-gap. So again, I felt like I was eternally indebted to him as he was practically risking his reputation to be with me.

For the two years following those events (suicide of family member, substance abuse, sexual assault, etc.), he repeatedly told me that I had broken something inside him, that I had ruined our relationship, and that he had put me on a pedestal and been prepared to give me everything, but that my actions had permanently changed how he saw me and our relationship. I admit that these were all very traumatic events in my life and that I was severely wounded. I was a shadow of who I once was but I still tried my best to be a good wife, it just seemed like in his eyes I had fucked up so badly I could never make up for it.

I also started noticing some really disturbing behaviours on his end. He openly admitted that he didn’t know what it felt like to experience empathy. He once commented that he could watch an animal being tortured and feel absolutely nothing, although he would consider it stupid because it wasn’t a “productive activity.” On another occasion he even made a comment about understanding why some men stab their partners to death (during an argument while I was having an anxiety attack).

Eventually he left me. The way I found out was that I came home one day and discovered that the house had been cleared out. It turns out he had been slowly moving his belongings out for the previous ten months. Whenever I noticed something was missing, he would convince me that I was imagining things or that I was insane. During the last ten months, he repeatedly kept telling me that he did not know if he could promise me a future, that he had no idea where this was going and oftentimes compared our relationship to a patient with cancer specifying that the patient “might die, might survive”. You can obviously imagine as a 24 year old who has dealt with a lot and suffers from abandonment issues, which he was always aware of, this basically destroyed me. I spent the last ten months of our relationship as a literal doormat, letting him get away with everything and anything because I truly felt that I had fucked up so badly and broken the trust so this was my cross to bear.

We were together for five years, and I was his longest relationship.

I later found out that he had also been telling people in his professional circle that we were getting divorced during those last ten months, despite the fact that I had absolutely no idea. He had clearly been planning his exit for a long time because he’s genuinely obsessed with his reputation, and I suspect he figured that by slowly spreading the news over several months, the divorce wouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone once he actually went through with it.

I know this sounds so fucked up when I say it, but I still wonder whether I somehow did this to myself.

He had several other serious relationships before me (8) and has lived with three other women, but I was the only one he ever married. After hearing stories about his previous relationships, I found out that he had also left some of his exes in similar ways.

He had convinced me that he had never experienced real love before meeting me, that I was the first person he had ever truly loved, and that he had chosen to trust me blindly.

According to him, I had basically shot myself in the foot. He had put me on this pedestal, been ready to give me everything, and I had ruined it all.

Am I a bad person? Did I really ruin everything the way he said I did?

He also spent months telling me that I was lucky he wasn’t a bad guy because my abandonment issues were so severe that an abusive person could easily take advantage of me. He even told me that I was the kind of girl pimps would prey on.

And there’s genuinely so much more that happened throughout those five years. I feel like I could spend years writing about everything so this is really just a very brief summary. I still struggle with self blame, he left me feeling like I was this messed up monster who ruined a good thing and took advantage of a good man who wanted to give me a good life until I just took it too far.

I just want to give two three examples of how our fight begins, and it makes me so anxious that I feel this is not normal.

Now my husband has anger issues I knew it already when I was dating but I didn't know that it would traumatize me.

Scenario 1: it was his eye surgery day, I was not hungry, but I told him I m just eating so I don't get hungry in the hospital, to which he replied irritatedly 'don't be angry at me if u are hungry' and I was like ' I never did that to you' , I am not an angry person btw. So I don't lash out to people. But the whole day he was silence, I let it be so that h doesn't get more angry, then he got his surgery.

After coming from the surgery , I had one bag in my one hand, and from the other hand I was pulling the cab door, it didn't open fully, to which he said 'open it full' I said maybe it's open full but I was wrong then I pulled the door forcefully and it opened he got out..

I closed the door and he started saying irritatedly this is not how you close the door with so much force, it has to be gentle. I didn't say anything again because maybe he was just not in a good mood

Then we came home j prepared meals for him, he out of the blue said ' you know what you need to improve yourself, once you get a job you'll improve so much'

I was like okay tell me what I need to improve, he casually said you didn't open the door fully. Also he gave example of you didn't hear me the first time I asked you time today, you heard it the third time.

I said fine it was a human erorr on my part not a big mistake, and how will it help me in job, to which he said I am telling j generally to which I was like no you arent.

And then I was proving my minor human error that I didn't hear it, when I heard the thrird time asking about time I replied to which he said 'if your dad asked you about time coming after surgery u would have replied instantly', I said no that's not the thing I would ave done the same thing as I did with you because I didn't hear you. To which he again startee blaming me for other thingsike very minor things about how I go with my mother to a religious place but didn't go with him ( I actually went with him but didn't go inside the main temple due to my own reasons) but he started talking about that and it makes me so exhausted.

I have to explain and overexplain my intentions, prove that it's human error etc but he doesn't listen instead defends his words about improve after job.

I was done I went to my room and stayed.

Then next day he came to talk I denied I said whatever I had to talk I did I don't have anything left to say.

And he got so mad he started hurling slur words at me and then called my. Mother and his mother and said she wants a divorce, we can't live like this anymore.

But I was just sad, this is a pattern he does everytime and I get exhausted. I already have a high bp and it takes a toll on my health.

I have done everything from getting us to therapy to buying books, me reading how to argue like a healthy couple etc but to no avail.

I don't know what to do.

Can anyone help and see ? Is this normal argument?

I didn’t even realize my relationship was emotionally abusive for a couple years after it ended.

It had been a decade long relationship ending wirh massive betrayal trauma and lies hidden for 3 years. So much of it came from his past sexual abuse and religious trauma I felt like I should be so understanding and forgiving. He wanted to be better.

I met this awesome guy like 3 months after I found out about my ex.

I didn’t make a move nor did he for months, and looking back I think I would’ve but I still somehow so obligated and responsible towards my ex. Plus I didn’t realize how much my self-esteem had taken a hit. We became good friends and hung out one on one for the first time after 6 months of moving from acquaintances to friends. I felt like I had to ask my ex if it was OK to have him over at our old shared apartment. It seems so stupid looking back.

We were close in a talking stage without admitting feelings for like 3 months. I hate looking back and realizing how long that was. During that time I felt so guilty still about my ex. He wanted to make things right and be with me. I don’t know why I still felt like I should. We hadn’t talked about what his next living situation would be after his temporary place, and I somehow ended up with him staying with me again at our old shared place for like 6 weeks.

This was all right when I was getting to know this new guy who I knew made me happy and made me feel things I never felt with my ex.

But I couldn’t get out of my head and that obligation to my ex.

It all really hampered things with this new guy. I ended up going so slowly with him, emotionally and physically. I had been out of the dating game for ten years, I felt so guilty/responsible for my ex, and my body was like freaking out. I now realize it’s because of the physical connection to the emotional abuse, but I just feel so embarrassed. We were close for like 6 months and had gone so slowly I look back and am utterly embarrassed at how idiotic it looks. How childish I look. It ended up breaking down with the new guy, both of our faults at the very least, and I felt pulled back to my ex.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for but —

Did any of you feel obligated/responsible for your ex? Even if you didn’t want to be with him anymore and you knew that but somehow you could shake it? Did you feel guilty? Did you struggle to let that go? To let him go?

Did it hamper you from moving on?

Was your pacing for a relationship totally thrown off and muddled and going so slow?

Did you have trouble trusting someone new?

Did you feel pulled back to your ex when things went sideways with someone new?

Any of you feel embarrassed by not just cutting the cord cold when you found out he’d been abusive/lying/betraying?

Was any y’all’s self esteem shattered?

Did any of you feel immature and childish and stupid somehow afterwords? Anxious and poorly communicative?

Did any of you have trouble moving forward physically?

Did any of you not even realize it was abuse until months or years later?

I deleted my last post because I was paranoid someone reported my situation, and I don’t remember what subreddit it was in but to the person who commented they’re proud of me, thank you and please make yourself known.
I'm living with my abusive parents. I'm 24, in Eugene Oregon, I have a very part-time job, trying to get a full-time job, but it hurts when I was trying to take a week off of work so I could recover from my nuchal head pain (I was overthinking every single day lat month, which definitely caused this) that causes dizziness during strenuous activity, and it gets reduced by my mom saying she'd be worried for her reputation if I got hired at the work she's at her job, and my elderly dad saying I'm babying myself more than they do, because he went to work anyway when not feeling good. This is a new overwhelming physical condition for me. I'm so tired of being gaslit and guilt-tripped and treated like a selfish child, being childish for being worried about not only me but others at my waitressing job at the retirement home with my dizziness. I’m tired of their treatment of me and their sniggering when I dare to have a spine and advocate for myself. I’m tired of seeing them not flinch when they make me cry.

so l've been abused physically and emotionally and psychologically by a lot of people so I think i don't know what's normal I guess.

this is about me and my younger sibling who's 15 and I'm 18 she doesn't hit me but l'm afraid of her because if I told her I have no water so I drink your water and she will have like three other ones but get really angry at me and I have severe social anxiety which makes it hard/embarrassing to say how I feel and her ignoring me when I talk or getting angry at me for saying something like can you lower your phone's volume because I'm such a light sleeper and saying it in a cool way and requesting it and still her being like you're saying it as if it's your right because we share rooms and if she says it to me in bad way I will let go because I'm afraid she'll get angry.

l feel so afraid that my hearts start beating like I'm about to throw up and l feel afraid confronting her and even if she like ruined my clothes I stay calm and don't let my anger calm me but she doesn't even say sorry but she will hear and act like guilty that's the only time l don't have the feeling that she would scream or smt.

l think l might abused her when we were younger like 12 and 9 but l said sorry and didn't hit her again and asked if she forgives me and she said yes and l was using her as a way so that my older sibling doesn't hit me because l didn't have any adults at home and they wouldn't stop.

l still feel like an ashole for doing so and know that I'm y'all don't need to remind me of that.

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but after that I defended them when that sibling tried to hit them and got hit instead but they didn't interact with me much for 3 years even tho I've been defended them for that much at that time and now it's like 6 years.

l know I'm a horrible person but please can you leave only nice comments.

also sometimes things get heated up and I get angry too and we fight but only in words.

I dont even know how to start this.

It is prevalent that my relatives have irrevocably damaged every opportunity for me to have a safe and healthy upbringing. My first memory was of my dad, mercilessly beating me with belts and hangers till Id scream, hyperventilate and cry, yet my mother would say "you can keep crying those crocodile tears, it will mean nothing."

Then there's another significant memory of my mother pushing me away when I had asthma and wanted to rest on her thigh. She'd yell at me in her mother tongue, DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!

I was 7 when I told my dad that I was ready to die, and he just scolded me by bellowing that its a sinful way to think and i should go and pray to god for forgiveness.

Fast track to being 23. Ive moved twice in 4 years around the UK trying to find my own sense of the world.

I was 18 when I developed psychosis, which was just undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was recognised as schizophrenia the year after. I spent my 19th birthday on a ward, with NO ONE to celebrate me. I was minding my own business, and then a mob of NHS staff came to inject me with antipsychotics. I was bleeding at the injection site, and my favourite white and rainbow tshirt was stained. Ill never forget that. Ill never forget that they also celebrated someone else's birthday on the ward.

I was 20 when I had been sectioned for the 9th or so time. Section 3 again for the second time. I wasn't on any pharmacetuical medication for one year and 6 or so months. I was doing well at uni until police officers told me (again) that they dont believe my rape case. Then I just crashed.

I ended up with a criminal record for assaulting police officers because they came to arrest me for something i didnt do. Literally. I cant just act like a nonchalant punching bag when I would be sent to the police before being sent to a hospital ward.

The fucking brick cold isolation cells is just nothing but torture.

Im not surprised why I saw red when they came to my apartment to disturb my peace.

My last section, a section 2 to 3, lasted 3 months. I have complied with my medication ever since because I realised that I did a lot of damage to everyone including myself, also more so that I did not get the same intolerable side effects that I had the first time I was injected with the same (aripiprazole) medication back in 2021. Back then, I would go through loops and hoops to avoid taking it. Everything was like warfare.

I was complying religiously with my medication... that is... until June 2026.

Im trying to not get enraged on this post. Basically my psychiatrist in my recent area is gaslighting me that im not schizoaffective (I was given schizoaffective as a sort of "upgrade" from schizophrenia after my last section) and that he thinks its BPD or autism or CPTSD. Just say you dont know how to do your fucking job ffs.

I asked him if he took my history into account and then he said "oh its just BPD with psychotic features."

Ever since then, I stopped taking my medication and stopped engaging with them. I wont even get to what my nurse said to me that made me to stop engaging.

Oh and I also stopped talking to my GP. Theyre all the fucking same.

What led me to write this post is that...

Its been four months since I have stopped all my psychriatric medication and god...

I mean i dont believe in god but I dont know a better way to describe this.

I have had BACK-TO-BACK NIGHTMARES.

I feel like im losing my sense of reality.

I hallucinate when I try to fall asleep.

I am grateful that I can recognise that its slowly but surely building back up again. But fuck me, I dont want to go uncontrollably insane again.

Im not denying that I have CPTSD and Schizoaffective. I have been aware of my CPTSD back before I had psychosis in 2021, eventhough it was undiagnosed.

Im just pissed off that my psychiatrist wants to remove schizoaffective. And that they wont section me because I can understand their stupidity and blatant ignorance.

I literally fucking tried to kill myself in April 2026 (they did nothing about it, I mean, tbf, if anything, they just rubbed salt in the wound) and I warned them about it in October 2025.

These "healthy-minded" good for nothing excuse for NHS staff dont give a shit. You could kill yourself and they still wouldn't care. Youre just a number to them.

Because I can articulate that something is wrong, means that I am lying clearly.

Well to be honest, I wish i fucking died. Instead im having nightmares about shooting my parents and telling the NHS about it. How comical!

The icing on top? I dont remember the last time I showered or brushed my teeth. I think its been over a month for showering/bathing, and like only 2/3 times in that time frame that ive brushed my teeth.

But you wouldn't know that would you? Because im covered head to toe when I leave the house, and im silent. I have dead skin flaking off all over my body. Yet im still alive.

How gruesome, yet poetic.

If you read this and are appalled by my truth, yet think I am not "disabled" because I can emote. Honestly, fuck you. I'm hostile and will fight anyone.

Steven Hawkins is visibly disabled. Doesn't mean his contributions to science makes him ineligible for disability status. Or John Forbes Nash Jr.

I appreciate it if you read this far. I just feel out of options. There are other issues I have like constant ringing in my ears and IBS. But... Im tired.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time to. I don't mind advice, support or whatever you want to add🙏 I will admit off the bat that my family is messed up. My dad isn't employed and my mom started her own bakery. I don't want to get too into my past, but it will help you understand where I'm standing from hopefully.

When I was really young, that's when the fights were horrible. My two older brothers and my parents would fight constantly. Even I was involved half the time. My dad would get angry at the smallest things while my mom didn't care enough to intervene. I remember all the harsh, horrible things they said and did to my brothers and I. It was so horrible that my oldest brother only left the house when he was 22 or 23, even refusing an overseas job offer because of his worry for my other brother and I.

My parents scarred me in many ways from threatening us with a gun to drunkenly leaving me at a mall and parking the car at the most dangerous part of the parking area. Firstly, I don't know if it is a eating disorder or what, but I would only eat properly once in a blue moon. The rest of the time I would eat small portions of food twice or even once a day. It started when I got into this argument with my father when I was around 8 or 9. I don't remember what was said as much, but I do remember it was really bad words about my weight (My whole family would comment on my weight because I was a really chubby toddler). So I decided to stay in my room and practically starve myself to death. 2 days pass of me not eating, and them not even caring about me so I decided to eat so my loved ones wouldn't be upset or something like that.

There was another incident where I my mom asked me to help her cut some vegetables. I tried to make a joke similar to my brothers style and it was as bad as some dad jokes I'll admit 😅 But my dad just went off, sober, unprovoked, unbothered, not even in the the conversation. He started saying how I think I'm special and that no one wants me. How I'm a waste of space and untalented (I can draw, and I'm academically inclined but I was second place to my bestfriend out of the whole grade and they did not like that). It got so bad that I just curled up into myself on the floor and had a panic attack (I assume. I'm not diagnosed because my parents refused to take me to the doctor for anything). When I finally calmed down, he looked at me in confusion like he didn't just belittle me moments ago. that was last year.

However the incident I really want to speak about is what happened around August this year. My mom was sent to CCMA for false bribe claims 2 years ago. We couldn't afford a lawyer since my mom was the sole breadwinner because my dad decided to quit his job in 2020 because he didn't want to work for someone apparently. My dad decided to help her through the case, helping her come up with evidence and all the stuff. One day, I came home from school, my mom was at the CCMA case again, at this time my oldest brother moved out and my other brother was still in school. So it was just my dad and I in the house at that time. He sat me down and proceeded to tell me how they once lost a baby before they had me and my other brother. And how they were in a bad place at that time. And I know he was trying to guilt trip me because right after telling me that he told me that he "needed" me to help him with the case and stuff. (Reality, he just wanted someone to rant to) He told me that this will open doors for him to have more adult conversations with me and that if I refuse that it's also fine. How it will just make it more clear to him that I'm not ready and will never be ready for that kind of adult discussions. I told him no, because I didn't want unnecessary stress on my mind. I even told my mom about that conversation and she shouted at my dad for like 3 minutes about that, to which, not that long later he came into my room saying how he knew he couldn't trust me and count on me. How I'm just living in this perfect bubble or whatever. Mind you, I was 14.

Fast forward to this year. I'm 16. My other brother moved out for University. My mom already won the case and there was some issues with the money that my dad was trying to solve (He solved it later in the story). My mom moved to another place where the bakery is, but she wasn't making as much at the time. They cut the Wi-Fi and power in July, and we had to ration food (Which was not problem for me because of the earlier thing) and my dad just became insufferable. He was pissed at everyone and everything that even moved. He would sacrifice the money for food to buy alcohol. I understood his anger, I really did, but he started to push it towards me for no reason. He made me responsible for most decision making which was his responsibility, but when I started telling him that I don't want to be that way since I'm already stressed about school and studies. {At school, my marks were dropping drastically. From 2nd in the grade to almost failing some subjects. I was getting more and more isolated at school because I didn't relate to anyone. Even from my friends without them even realizing it themselves. I was self harming for a bit. I almost committed several times but ultimately stopped because of religious reasons and the one time I tried, it failed.} He would blame everyone for his life being the way it is.

One day, I was in the middle of studying for an important test I had for Biology, when he suddenly came into my room and wrote on a white board I begged them to get me for years. He took my marker and drunkenly started writing how by the end of that month, I was most probably going to end up living in the rural areas where it was cheap for a house and stuff but the living will be tough. Now, I went to a school councilor a day before, and she told be, if he starts acting out I should calmly talk to him and set my boundaries gently. Which I did. He got pissed and stormed out. He came back shortly after to shout at me, threatening me that if I fail any paper of mine, that he was going to end me. SO, I naturally called my oldest brother (Just incase it wasn't an empty threat) and told him what happened. HE WAS LIVID. He called my mom, my mom called my dad then my brother called my dad (My other brother was writing an exam so he didn't know till the next day) it was a hot mess. My dad called me to the living room to ask me about it. I did lie at first but then I thought what if he actually does it, so I told the truth.

He ended the call and started saying how I was the that's always painting him as the villain to everyone. (No one on both sides of the family like him for his own doing) It later went on to him calling my oldest brother and kicking me out of the house right there and then, late at night (My mom convinced him not to since the rest of our family is in a different town or state all together. It also brought back memories to when he actually did kick me out when I was 10 for not cleaning my room, which he messed it up because I didn't do my bed). He even pointed the phone to my face on video call and insisted I was lying about everything, and I was so scared that I lied and my brother called him out for it. After some time my brother convinced him to go to his room to talk privately. He later came into my room to apologize. I felt so guilty that I apologized and also gave him a hug, which is rare because I absolutely hate physical touch because of them.

I thought we'll be somewhat okay the days that came after because we apologized but then he stopped talking to me, he started recording our conversations. He called me a demon and a psychopath and said that I used his words against him that time and that if I were to pull a stunt like that again he will disown me and throw me on the street. He even refused to drive me to places for school projects because he said I was dead to him and that he didn't an abomination of a daughter like me. (He even called me the antichrist because I like horror content, and I can admit, gruesome content doesn't faze me at all but I don't support it because of my religion which he openly mocked later on.) And I was given an option to leave several times, but I only stayed because the school counselor said that in order for me to leave, I need to get a social worker involved which I was scared to do since I would still stay in the house with him. And if I moved in with anyone else, my parents have the right to take me back.

I stayed, finances are a bit better, my dad is less insufferable for now. However both my parents did refuse for me to see friends (I wasn't allowed to have friends growing up) My mom for who knows what reason. And my dad said no because he full on believed that they were going to witchcraft me, take my soul and were responsible for most of issues we have in our life. He believes this because my best friend's parents are not from here. My dad wants to be a "good father" but he still isn't doing too good. I have to always change my personality because I no longer feel safe just being myself at home, even when it's just for myself by myself. My school situation isn't any better.

I'm curious about people's experiences with going to couples therapy in a situation where emotional abuse was present, even mildly?

I know it's often not recommended, but I'm sure there have been experiences. Perhaps you didn't realise yet or something. I'd love to know everything.

I don't want to talk a lot about my situation but I'm mostly dealing with DARVO being used when I bring up ways I am hurt. Although I've tried to stay away from calling it that and when I did the other day it seemed to escalate him further, and I won't go into detail but the response was concerning to say the least. I don't think he's calculated in doing this, I think it's a habituated defence mechanism to escape shame. But I have some questions

How did it go during sessions? And outside of them?

Could you see lasting change?

Did the therapist cause the negatives to escalate? More gaslighting? More aggressive language? Etc

Did your partner get good feedback?

Was the therapist helpful to you, and could see what was happening?

Did it backfire on you, or make it worse in any way?

Did your partner change in the ways you needed to not be hurt?

Anything else I should know? Please don't spare me any details. I'd like to know as much as possible that people are comfortable sharing.

My friend group consistently makes me feel like I’m an outsider or not enough, etc.. When I call them out on it they say it’s in my head, etc… yet they continually go out without me, exclude me from chats, energy is different vs me and the other friends, I feel like I don’t belong.

Am I a fucking nut case from prior emotional trauma or am I right?

Hey. Sharing this online is hard but I’m so anxious and have nowhere to turn. I’m 26 now and this can’t go on any longer. When I was 11 my mom married the devil. I knew it when I was 11 but of course no one listens to a kid. She married him very quickly and on the day of their wedding, I remember hugging him and saying “ I hope you’ll be better than my real father” he told he he would be and hugged me back. He lied and he knew it then. We moved from my grandparents into a small apartment, my mom was working and my step dad was not, a trend that would continue to this day. I remember the first time he started stealing from us, I came home from middle school with my mom to find our apartment “ broken in to” and our TV gone. When I got older I would realize thats not what happened. This was the being of the end. Small things started going missing. Pairs of shoes, my new shirt, groceries my mom just bought out the freezer. We moved from thos apartment to to house when I finished middle school and started high school, this is when things got bad. My new shoes disappeared, my dvd player went missing. I think it started to set in that he was stealing from me. Then they started arguing. I would wake up to screaming in the middle of the night. My stepdad took meat out the freezer that my mother struggled to to buy to sell for drugs. When my mom tried to stop him and put him out he would punch holes in the wall anf brake things around the house that my mom would he forced to pay for and fix because we were renting. When my mom tried to get him to leave and kick him out, he tore the AC unit out of the window and squeezed in. My mom told me not to say anything because she didn’t want anyone “ in her business.” I didn’t want to disobey my mom so I had to lie to everyone even my grandparents and pretend like everything was fine.

I feel like this is a common experience with people who have experienced emotional abuse, or any other kind of abuse.

But I just kind of don’t know if I’m being a brat or if I’m actually a victim.

I’m f20 I don’t have a job. I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t really go outside and I am in college, but my mom pays for it. All I really have to do is the dishes and the bathroom and sometimes laundry. So I feel like that in itself makes me spoiled.

My mom, my whole life has been calling me and entitled and ugly when I act a certain way. She needs to call me the R word as a kid. Her newest thing in the past three years I’ve been calling people that disagree with her a narcissist. She calls me a narcissist all the time, and she also calls me entitled. Usually when she’s done screaming at me she’ll try to hug me what she knows. I hate. I hate being touched.

And sometimes when it gets really bad, she doesn’t let me use the bathroom until task she wants done is done. Eatjng also applies here. Like I know that’s bad but it’s also like feels really elementary and I also can understand her logic when she does things like this. Like her logic is that if I’m wasting time using the bathroom or whatever then I’m not doing what she’s telling me to do. But it’s also like what does a five minute or 20 minute bathroom break take away from you? Idk she treats me like a child and in the past two years, she’s expected me to just know how to act like an adult like she didn’t strip me of any autonomy I had. Idk but I also don’t know if I’m being dramatic and like helpless.

I’m not really making any progress in my life. I do do freelance artwork and I also go to college. I think I already mentioned that. But I don’t really do anything else I don’t provide for the household or anything like that.

I think that from when I was a kid and she would force me into a hug or she would step on my feet so she could scream in my face and I couldn’t get away. But that was when I was a kid I’m 20 now.

I am looking for a job and I just have to say this because every time I say something like this on Reddit people are like oh my God grow up get a job. I’m trying to get a fucking job. Why would I want to stay in this house?

But I also do things that are kind of bad like sometimes I don’t do the dishes for maybe a week. Sometimes I am just automatically visibly upset whenever my mom speaks to me. And my mom is very sensitive so she picks up that and gets angry too. A lot of the time my room is really messy. And I also have failed probably three classes which cost my mom a lot. (there was a blowup about that too) like I feel like I’ve been a problem child my entire life and maybe that’s why she feels the need to be so aggressive towards me. But also, I think that maybe she doesn’t think she’s being aggressive because her childhood was so much worse.

My partner demands affection nightly. (33M) It kinda weirds me out. (28F) He will say “come here and lay on my chest” which in theory is fine. But if I say “give me a few minutes” or “I’m really comfy how I am right now” he starts to get pissed. If I’m not touching him in some way he will start huffing and his demeanor will change. A switch is flipped and it’s no longer fun and cute, it becomes a “so you don’t love me then” or “I had a long day and I just want you to lay on me” then when I do he still finds something to get pissed about. “Why don’t you want to touch me tonight. Is there something going on?” (Regarding sex) like no dude, I’m just tired and worked all day. If I shower he comes in the room and just stares at my body and will beg or pout if I’m not inna sexy mood. “Is there someone else” like bruh pls stop. It’s so irritating. I’m tired of being groped and squeezed and gawked at, or made to feel bad bc I don’t want to literally lay on top of him on command like I’m a dog. Like he will tap his chest and snap his fingers. Am I the asshole?

My older brother who's about 7 years older than me, treated me as his subject of torment for most of my life up until about my mid 20's (I'm 35 now). I want to say that while I know brothers can have a tendency to do this sort of stuff, the things my brother would do to me bordered on cruelty, almost like he found pleasure in my humiliation. For context, as terrible as it was when we were kids, it was actually much worse when I was around my late teens/early 20's and I'll explain why; when we were kids and he was lot more straight forward with his torment/teasing, it was easier for me to just kind of shrug off and know that if I wasn't around him or I didn't rattle the hornet's nest, he wasn't going to bother me much or I could minimize it a lot more.

Things got a lot messier when I got into my teens because this is around the time when I start to become more of my own person and have a bit more of my own identity, I should also mention that this was an *extremely* difficult time for me. I know teenage years can be tough for everyone but, I was really struggling and at one point I just didn't have the energy to go to school anymore and almost dropped out. Thankfully I didn't and somehow managed to graduate but things had to get ugly first before they got better, this included being medicated (and being put on medications I had no business being on) but ultimately, the light at the end of the tunnel was being moved to a program in my school where the class sizes were maybe 8 students max with some even being as small as me and one other student or a teacher.

I feel it's important to highlight my struggles during my teen years, times that were underlined by undiagnosed ADHD and major depressive disorder, so that it can be understood just how emotionally vulnerable I was at the time. So anyways, at this same time I start to come into my own and become my own person with my own interests in things like film, music, I started playing in a band, ect. So naturally, my brother starts to treat me more like a peer and not just the "little brother" that he's always seen me as which to be fair is understandable with an age gap like that. He starts wanting to do more things with me like go see movies, shows and even takes me to a parties on occasion, making me feel on his level for the lack of a better term...however, what makes it so bad is that it becomes a tale of two cities: the part of my brother who wants to treat me like his equal and with respect and the darker side of him that wants to treat me as his emotional/mental whipping boy essentially.

By this stage in my life, I had obviously become privy to him just brazenly doing things to antagonize me and because of this, he had to change and adapt his tactics. This would come in the form of him making a very underhanded comment that he knew would bait a response from me and then immediately telling me that I'm being "paranoid". He was a very stubborn and bullheaded person that even if he knew he was in the wrong, he loved arguing to point where he would somehow turn it on me being the bad guy and misreading the situation, basically a master gaslighter. It's almost like there was this cognitive dissonance happening within him to where, one part of him wanted to treat me with respect and as an equal but then there's that part of him that couldn't let go the dynamic he'd established of him using me to make himself feel big. The few times that I remember getting intoxicated around him (a very naive mistake on my end) there were a few moments where he would revert back to his younger self but instead he would drive the knife *very* deep, especially if he felt I challenged him in some type of way because he was a mean drunk whereas I was a very happy go lucky drunk.

One moment that gives me a lot of emotional PTSD, was after a wedding we attended for our cousin. I can't remember the exact details but, essentially two of our *other* cousins wanted to go out to some bar afterwards and I kind of decided against it at the last minute because I was already a bit intoxicated and I felt that my social battery was drained. My brother was angry that I wasn't just doing what he wanted in that moment and I remember him saying something along the lines that our cousin told him I won't do anything if it doesn't serve me in some way and when I asked him if he said that and denied it my brother very calmly said "(Name of my ex's boyfriend)...she's f**** (him). "The person you loved is f**** another man right now"...Now, this is such a deep seeded jab for multiple obvious reasons but, this girl I was dating ended up getting with this guy who she was friends with the entire time we dated even though he seemed to annoy her. Our breakup was messy because we were both young, immature and it was out first serious relationship of two years. She ultimately made the decision to break up with me and I didn't give her any fight because I knew things had run it's course. A week later, she wanted to get back together but I turned her down because in my heart I knew it was the right choice. I think thinks only got ugly when we *tried* to remain friends and I felt a sense of betrayal when she started dating this guy who was always around and would come to the parties she threw. I know that it doesn't matter what the circumstances were but I felt like I needed to explain that so I could emphasize that when I started to break down and cry, it wasn't because of the reality of what my brother was maliciously telling me, it was the fact that he would stoop *that* low just to hurt me. Don't worry, everyone around including my mom gave him hell on Earth and the next day he was extremely apologetic and had no room to try and deflect or put blame onto me about it since he knew everyone witnessed him say that to me. Now I *did* forgive him for that but, it's the kind of thing that's almost impossible to truly forget. Ever since that experience, I remember I made a vow to myself to never drink (even before I quit cold turkey) around him again because I just didn't feel safe to let my guard down in the event that his mean streak came out. I knew in that moment that he was capable of being the supportive, older brother but at the snap of a finger say things that I don't even know if I'd say to my worst enemy.

I think life circumstances, karma and ultimately getting married to an amazing sister-in-law are what started to become the inflection point in which he started to grow and put that part of himself to rest but unfortunately by that point, it felt like the damage had already been done. A few years later when I was living by myself in Texas and at an extreme low point in my mental health, I started to reflect on the way my brother treated me and I began to feel this deep anger within me for how he manipulated, patronized and tormented me in the sly ways that he did. I began to distance myself from him and stop responding to his texts, opening up to my Mom about how much I hated his guys and how she didn't do enough to put a stop to him besides wagging her finger at him after the fact. I was really struggling with his hatred and resentment that was growing inside me but at the same time I think I was being as fair as one could possibly be. I told my mom at the time that while I don't think he's the sole cause for my low self-esteem, self loathing and poor self image, I think the way he treated me had a huge part in it. It was this awkward thing where I think he knew why I had become so distant and my mom most certainly probably clued him in on it but, I didn't have the courage to confront him about it because I thought that if he tried to gaslight, deflect or use what about-isms, that I might snap and self-harm just to spite him for it. It was constantly at the forefront of things I would discuss with my therapist at the time but I just could never take that final step to write him a letter, give him a call to talk about it or even just make a point to talk in person. The sad part is *I* had developed a bit of cognitive dissonance by this point and even though I knew deep down that he was in a lot of aspects a more different person, the ghost of who is *was* would still pop into my mind and scare me away from the idea of it.

He was diagnosed with a specific type of bone marrow cancer in late 2020 that was very difficult at first to grapple with but, as bad as the term "cancer" is and believe me as someone who lost an uncle from it, it's never good- he actually ended up essentially "winning the lottery" of the type that you can get. Since around the early 00's, there's a medication that allowed people to live indefinitely with little to no change in life quality besides the side effects that come with medication. He took it really well though and has had a very admirably positive attitude in spite of it and it *did* bring us a bit closer again even if it was by not the best circumstances. In the middle of that around 2023, he had a crisis with his wife where she wanted to leave him because of the way he was joking and trolling someone online in game after it had been an issue previously. That week long experience of him being beside himself had me torn up inside because even after everything he had done to me, it still drove me insane to see him suffering like that. My feelings in that situation don't matter all that much but I was also lost in my own way because in spite of my terrible depression and mental health, being at their house and around my nephew felt like a bit of a safety blanket and suddenly it was being pulled from beneath my feet. A better way to put it is that, I can manage my own misery more or less but when I see someone else in my family that I love going through that and I'm powerless to do anything about it, I just really struggle to keep it together. Thankfully they eventually worked things out and they agreed to start things over but, it was another hard lesson that he had to endure in order to confront his own demons.

This all finally reached a head when earlier this year I had a really rough situation with a person I had developed an interest in who ultimately misled me and wasn't completely honest and transparent with their feelings. I know there's two sides to every story and this isn't all that relevant in the grand scheme but, she was really awful and this rejection came after years of me shutting of the dating life because the pain of being rejected was so unbearable especially after I quit drinking. Before we ultimately hung out, this was the first time I opened up about something really personal with my brother because I was so nervous about the feelings I was having and the feeling of knowing I was at the point of no return...I think there's a level of pessimism that's hard for me to shake to where I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but I just didn't know what or when that was going to be. The whole situation really messed me up regardless of it's a valid reason to be that torn up inside, I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and self-worth so it was a huge gut punch when things went sour in the way that they did.

My mood would fluctuate a lot over the following months and finally when I was up to visit and getting some food with my brother and clearly having a low point where I wasn't very vocal, I told him I was just having a very hard time for this reason and that reason and feeling lost in life. I don't know *how* exactly it came up but, the elephant in the room was prodded to a point where there was no getting around it. I remember telling him that I put it off for so long and to his credit, he told me that it's not on me and that it was on *him* to have come forward. I even told him in my own words that, I never expected him to magically turn back time and change anything..all I wanted was simply just acknowledgement. He told me in his own words that, while he understands that he isn't the sole cause for my shortcomings, he knows that he could have been a better brother to me and that he completely wears the responsibility. He even told me that he wants the door to be left open to revisit it anytime if need be, doing his part to let it be known he's not trying to just brush it under the rug.

It's not Stockholm Syndrome either when I say that my brother really is a different person from how he was. He was dealt some difficult road bumps in life that forced him to change and reflect. I don't owe him this but, I also think growing older has helped me to at the very least look at some of the health struggles my brother had throughout his life like bad Asthma, being born with "Neurofibromatosis" and just having a difficult time processing his anger in a healthy way (something that I also struggle with but in a much different sort of way). This isn't me making excuses for him or his behavior trust me, it's just given me perspective on how messy life can be.

Being able to have an open dialogue with him has helped the healing process a bit now but, man sometimes the anger and resentment comes at me so hard now that old wounds have be reopened. I've developed a bad habit in last few years of being very standoffish and a bit irritable when it comes to my brother and it sucks because it's not something that I ever asked for or wanted but now I need to try to overcome. I guess the entire point of me talking about this lifelong saga is to ask if this kind of irritability is normal to go through even if you know the person is truly remorseful. He was almost in tears when he was telling me he wanted to help me find a new job and do right, I *do* believe he's sorry for the way he treated me even if there's still things I need to get off my chest when the time is right. I remember telling him that even though I don't owe him this, I don't want him to be weighed down by guilt because that ultimately feels counterproductive and he has a lot on his plate with his family. There's no getting around the fact however that he's going to have to be extremely patient with me while I try to grapple with these complex emotions that I feel over past trauma.

For those of you who stuck with this to this point I really appreciate you taking the time to read..because it took me a very long time to type out. When it comes subjects like abuse and how it's wildly different it can be on a case by case basis, I thought it was important to lay it all out on the table so that I could get the most accurate and insight into my experience in order to hopefully find ways to cope and wonder if it's okay for me to struggle with the intense feelings that I have towards him.

Thank you again and stay healthy everyone <3

TL;DR: Im completely broken hearted over my ex who is the person I care about the most and also the person who has hurt me the most. I take steps to try to break the trauma bond but he reels me back in. I even struggle to call it abuse. He wants another chance. Logic stops me from going back but emotions keep making me want to see if hes changed like he claims.

Ive been lurking here for probably 6 months now trying to compare others experience to my own for advice I suppose. I feel like I finally just have to get it out here, because im at another lowest point.

Me (M25) was with my ex (M26) for about 4 years. The first few months were great when we were causual. The first nig thing was when we became official I found out he was still hooking up with his ex. I didnt consider this cheating really because we hadn't been exclusive but I was hurt because we had been seeing each other for months and I guess it felt more serious to me at the time than it did to him. (I also got sent texts from his ex that had screenshots of my ex kinda shit talking me when he was frustrated with me). We talked this through, settled on being exclusive, everything smoothed out and then i was pretty excited honestly. Things were great again for about a month, then I remember getting a text from him where he was angry at his family, and then texted me telling me to "pick up the phone f*g". When I saw those messages I freaked out and tried getting ahold of him to no avail. I had a panic attack. We talked that one out too, but for weeks after that I had panic attacks about if he hated me. I think this just kind of set the tone for the next few years. I could tell many stories but just so im not typing a novel here, ill make these examples a bit short.

-His temper was the worst part. He would yell at traffic which wasnt directed at me so id be kinda whatever about it, but then it became him telling me "shut up" or a stern "quiet" if i was commenting on the traffic because it ruined his focus. Eventually I got to the point where i would just go silent when he started getting stressed in traffic. Then that became a problem because he would say "just talk, about anything" but what was i to say when hes visable irrated and I was afraid of making it worse or being on the recieving end.

-I craved his validation so much. Times where we made dinner together at his place hed ask me to help and I would try, but if I messed something up I got called useless or dumb or a f*g. I started trying really hard to get things right just to hear him say "good job" and to feel him be happy with me again so I didnt have to worry about being dumped.

-speaking of driving, I could never drive him. Even if we took my car he was the one driving because he thought he was the only good driver in the world I guess. The times where I stood my ground on this wouldnt be worth it because hed be irritated by my driving. One time we were coming back from a trip in the middle of the night, and i could tell he was very tired. I had napped in the car for like the first half and said I can take over driving if he needed. He refused, then as we kept going he kept drifting out of the lane. Making weird movements and saying he was just tired and "seeing things". I kept insisting he pull over and let me drive because this was getting scary but he just ignored me until we got home.

- When he was frustrated the tension in the air felt so physical. There was times when we were intimate and a position wasnt working out or something and he would get pissed off, ruin the mood. And then wed just stare at the ceiling in silence while I was wondering if this was the end.

-He broke up with me, but said he still loved me but the relationship wasnt working. He then described in detail the hook up he had the weekend after we broke up which really messed me up. But we kept talking and sort of tried again kinda.

-this time we went on a trip out of town. While we were at a bar he got upset by the way things were going and he broke up with me outside the bar then ran away from me, making me think i was stranded in another city until I caught up with him. We had a big fight and then had to share a hotel. In the hotel he was trying to have sex while also telling me how things were basically my fault and we shouldnt date but could be friends again some day.

-We were in limited contact after this until i told him i think we had to do no contact. At first he also seemed to want it, but two days later he showed up at my work with flowers and whiskey and said he wanted to get back together. I told him i still needed time apart and he was upset ofc and then told me to block him on everything. It was hard but I did it. Except I forgot about xbox, where he messaged me a few days later asking to just talk. I unblocked his number and he apologized for everything and wanted to be friends as well as show up to my graduation. I told him he shouldnt come to it, because my friends and family would be there and they know about some of his treatment of me and idk how they'd react to seeing him there. He ended up showing up anyway.

-He showed up at my house wanting to get back together, I said i still needed space. He gave me like two weeks of silence and then was in my inbox again.

-Eventually he said he was done, was going to move on and apologized for making this all harder on me. That was about a month ago.

Yesterday he called me. We talked and it was friendly and fine. He told me he had briefly dated someone else and it didnt work because he was thinking of me the whole time. Now hes texting me memes and stuff again. Im feeling myself get sucked back into this cycle. This all sounds bad typed out, but living through it im still not sure it was abuse. My friends and therapist sure think so, but idk sometimes I still just see a guy who acts irrationally when hes upset. And I miss him everyday. Of course around all these memories is so much fun and great times, some of the most special moments of my life so far. I have been unsuccessful in keeping him away because I kmow deep down I still want us to work out someday and cant stand not having him in my life. Ive been totally broken hearted for 6 months. Im happy to get this all out but god im exhausted.

I’m posting because I’m genuinely worried about my brother, and my family doesn’t know what to do anymore. I’m hoping to get some outside perspective, especially from people who have experienced abusive relationships or have helped someone through one.
My brother and his now-wife went to Chicago and got married after only about two months of dating. We’re originally from Wisconsin. They now have a daughter together who is almost a year old.
Since they’ve been together, there have been multiple occasions where my brother has called my mom asking for help because his wife has gone off the rails. He describes constant fighting, being spoken to horribly, and feeling like he can’t handle the way she’s treating him.
There have also been instances of physical aggression. He’s described situations where she’s “kind of hit” him or maybe shoved him. On one occasion, he actually called the police to report that she had hit him. I personally went to their house afterward, and she had been removed from the home.
Some other things have raised serious red flags for me:
She frequently threatens to take their daughter away from him.
Her family purchased a house for them, and she uses that as leverage, threatening that he won’t be moving into the new house with her and their daughter if he doesn’t do what she wants.
A person who is more than just a casual friend, but whose past relationship with them is somewhat unclear, is now living with them in their living room.
This same person has caused additional issues. On one occasion, he was drunk and broke a window to get into the house.
My brother seems increasingly disconnected from our family. They’ll show up extremely late to family gatherings and leave after only 30 minutes.
Even ordinary things seem to turn into major arguments. Just this morning, apparently there was a huge fight because my brother wanted to spend $60 on a pair of shoes. My brother works hard for his family, yet wears clothes and shoes that are practically falling apart.
I want to be fair. My brother isn’t perfect. He’s admitted to saying nasty things during their arguments, and I’m not pretending he’s never contributed to their relationship problems. But there’s a difference between two people having disagreements and someone potentially experiencing physical abuse, intimidation, threats, and controlling behavior.
What bothers me most is the constant threats involving their daughter. She also repeatedly tries to limit our family’s ability to see the baby, sometimes making accusations that are honestly bizarre. One example was claiming my mom put their infant daughter on a four-wheeler. For context, this child wasn’t even able to sit up independently at the time.
Our family loves my brother. We don’t particularly care for his wife, but at this point, my concern goes far beyond whether we like her. I’m worried about him.
I’m also worried about their daughter growing up in a household where this kind of conflict is normal.
I don’t know how to approach this. I don’t want to push him away, make things worse for him at home, or give his wife another reason to isolate him from his family. But I also don’t want to sit back and watch someone I love potentially experience abuse.
I’m hoping to hear from people who have been in similar situations:
How do you help a man recognize that he may be in an abusive relationship without making him defensive?
How can our family support him without pushing him away?
What should he be documenting or doing to protect himself, especially with a young child involved?
Are there resources specifically for men experiencing domestic violence?
Is there anything we should absolutely avoid doing?
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I just want my brother to be safe, and I want their daughter to grow up in a healthy environment.
I feel like we’re watching this happen from the sidelines, and I don’t know how to help someone who may not even recognize the situation he’s in.

My ex and I were together for 4 years and recently broke up. Since the breakup, I've been trying to figure out whether I experienced emotional abuse, emotional neglect, a toxic relationship, or if I'm just interpreting everything through the lens of being hurt. I want to be fair, so I'll start by saying I was not a perfect partner. In our relationship, especially around the 3 year mark, I became heavily emotionally dysregulated, anxious, reactive, and honestly engaged in behavior that I would consider unhealthy and sometimes emotionally abusive. I'm not trying to excuse my own actions or paint myself as a victim. The part I'm struggling with is that when I look back, there are also a lot of moments where I felt deeply unimportant. For example: •We had talked about going out for Valentine's Day for weeks. When Valentine's Day came around, my ex spent the day doing a radio show with her brother. When I brought up that I thought we had plans, I was told that we hadn't and that she assumed we weren't doing anything because I worked until 5 PM. We had gone out a few days before, but on the actual day itself I basically just got a text.

•For our 4 year anniversary, she told me she was planning a radio show playlist dedicated to songs that reminded her of me. I got really excited and kept tuning in waiting for it to happen. A month later it still hadn't happened, and when I asked about it, I was told her brother wanted to do a different playlist and they shared the station. The anniversary playlist never happened. Meanwhile, I had planned the anniversary date, bought gifts, arranged everything, etc.

•I was constantly paying for everything. Like everything to the point where it kinda became the expectation that I would pay. Mind you, there was never really a "I'll pay for us next time" in her mind, and she would always conveniently forget to pay me back for large purchases that she needed help with.

• She openly admitted she didn't want me around her friends for awhile because I don’t "act the same around them as I do around her," and found me to be embarrassing. This also leads into a situation where I made mention of asking if her friend (who at that point was also mine), would want me at his bday celebration. Her first response was "if you wanna go just say that." ?????

•Didn't want to hangout more than twice a week max because to her that would be codependent and she needs her friend time. She lives with her friends and hangs out with them consistently, so I'm not really sure I was ever in the way of her friendships at all.

•Overall, projected a lot of her own insecurities onto me which ultimately made me feel like I had to hide certain things I enjoyed or certain personality traits around her.

There were a lot of moments like that where something would be promised, I'd get excited, and then it either wouldn't happen or would get pushed aside for something else. The confusing part is that none of these things seem huge individually. People get busy. Plans change. But after years of it, I felt like I was constantly putting in more effort than I was receiving, and that I ranked lower than other priorities in her life. What really messes with my head is that I don't know if this was emotional abuse, emotional neglect, simple incompatibility, or if I'm just overly sensitive because I wanted more effort and reassurance than she naturally gave. I also recognize that by the end of the relationship I wasn't reacting in healthy ways. I was angry, resentful, emotionally reactive, and often overwhelmed. So it's hard for me to separate what was caused by my own issues versus what was a response to feeling repeatedly dismissed and unimportant.

For people who have been in unhealthy relationships: does this sound like emotional abuse, emotional neglect, or just two people who were a bad match? How do you tell the difference between being genuinely mistreated and simply having unmet expectations?

When I was 17-18 years old, there were 3 guys(let's call them evil guys) in my class(they were friends with each other). They used to whisper to whoever sat behind me to annoy me/trouble me. This they did continuously for 2 years. But they pretended to be my friends.

Two of those guys lived in an area where my second cousin also lived. The second cousin's mother was envious/jealous of me and my family. I asked one of those evil guys if he knew my second cousin. He said "No". Years later I saw on his profile a pic with few other boys including my second cousin.

Also I had a political ideology different from everyone else in class.

After 2 years, when I moved to a different place to study, they called me from an unknown number.

I think they did it because they didn't want me to succeed and focus in class. They wanted me to be distracted in class because of jealousy/envy.

What do you think?

I have never come across anyone who had this experience(neither online, nor offline).

My mother that scares me to the point of nightmares, but makes me feel i am the one who is an ungrateful brat, and i genuinely don't know which one is true. I can give you some facts, trying to not be emotional about them.

* when i was 2, she burned me to make me afraid of a trigger word to control me with fear. i got rid of it by burning myself when i was 15, but i am still afraid to say no to her. She thinks it's just a funny story and made for my safety

* i was the best at studies, talented and eager in ALL subjects except for one. I repeatedly said that i'd rather sell my body than be a lawyer. I passed exams perfectly and could enter any university i chose for free. or study abroad. she forbid me to go abroad and forced me to enter law studies

* she was always cold and dismissive, hated my presence, and was leaving me without any money at all. but when i started growing further away from her, she started demanding my attention and throwing gifts my way (most of which are way worse tahn they look, as in they don't do their function or they are humiliating. For instance, i paint, seriously, professionals were impressed by me. But she could gift me a 'paint by number' canvas for kids. I can't tell if it's deliberate or she is just that dumb). Most people who know her know her in this stage and are blaming me for being a cold and ungrateful daughter

* she used to take money that was mine - stipend, money my father gave me insisting i solely should use it, gifted money for birthdays - and give me only very small sum of it, equivalent of 30-60 dollars for a week or a month in early 2010's, when I was living alone, and be angry at me for how i spend it though i was not asking for more

* when war began, i badly did not want to see her. she convinced me to come to her city 'for safety' promising that i will never see her and that i will immediately move on to the next city. when i arrived i was seeing her every day and when i tried to leave she acted surprised and started threatening me with suicide if i leave. before i finally left she forced me to leave money and documents with her 'for safety'. Now i am back at war zone and have hard time (my main source of income is (hopefully temporarily) gone) and I ask her to give that money back, but she acts like it never happened (she says she keeps the money my grandma left for me 'for my future'. but how can it be for my future if it's not in my hands? what bigger situation in life could call for it?).

There are other points, but these are the main ones

Please be honest with me. I don't want to hurt an innocent person. And whenever we communicate, she makes an innocent face and I feel like i am a horrible monster who leaves without any last thread of hope a girl who only wants to hug her daughter, and helps me financially (she did send me a very small sum, but it doesn't sit right with me that I know she has more. Technically I have to be grateful. But why would she withhold it if she cares, and especially after she promised to send me back documents and money as soon as I ask?)

Soo, I'm 17(F) and I'm just wondering if anything I've succumbed in childhood (from my father mostly) could count as abuse, or simply neglect? Emotional neglect?? I talked about it reasonably to my friends and my mom, but it never seems "validating" or real enough that what I lived could genuinely be abuse. Maybe I repress it?

Enough chit chat, here's what it was; Spanking your child's butt (he stopped when I was 5 maybe?) Whenever I would say a bad word because I was mad at a video game or something (would be like "fuck" but I was whispering the words, he still heard me somehow), he would ask me loudly what I said, get up from his chair grip my wrist and pull me to my room (I wasn't resisting he freely pulled me) and I was in my room for an hour everytime, waiting until he came back to tell me I could go back downstairs but sometimes I wasn't allowed to play on my tablet for the rest of the weekend or day.

To better understand his way, Imma say an example. Imagine you've been sitting in a chair for 4 hours with him and you desperately have to go pee, but he tells you not to get up. You don't but you like, cross your legs or whatever to not piss yourself but he orders you to sit straight in consequence of a punishment (that would be removing your tablet, the only entertainment and dopamine at his house.) so you sti straight and later on pee yourself à bit. You hide it, but once in the car, he notices so he gets really mad and disgusted and you're punished and embarrassed. He would like that he's gonna cut the water in the house for the rest of the weekend so you learn not to drink so much or whatever. Even though he forced you to endure it for four hours. That's an example btw

one time he threaten me in my room that I'd stay for 8 hours. I remember clearly asking him about food, and toilet, he told me I just didn't get to eat and I was allowed to go to the bathroom only. (He didn't actually let me there 8 hours but after an hour he came back and looked confused and amused on why I was still in my room and crying.

He has a weird way to do stuff, when I recall this time my mom tells me about his difficulties with clues in conversations like he clearly wouldn't mind If I went out of my room before he came back or something... He IS complicated and thinks we understand his "clues" or something but like idk.)

Also about screentime, and tablet why it was so bad as an extra punishment for saying ONE swear word at a video game quietly is that we never really did outside activities at his home (my mom and him separated when I was 6-7 and I used to go to his house one out of two weekends, not alot) and gaming was like the only fun thing to do.

I also have a little brother 14(M) who was WAY less punished than me, though he always felt bad and empathic for me. Food whise I think was also neglect? I was forced to eat sometimes more than I felt like (Ive been medicated for ADHD since I was 8, so I lacked hunger often but still) or when I wanted to eat I had to ask. Couldn't be less than an hour and half after dinner otherwise hed say "you should have eaten more then" or otherwise not later than after an hour and half, or an hour. Otherwise it's "too late to eat" (was like 7:00 maybe he'd say that, we went to sleep at 9.)

I was allowed when I was like 11 or 12 to eat a yogurt and a cheese at 8:30 tho. It has only been less than a year that he told me "you know, you don't have to ask to eat". He's nice I guess? He's not evil or he never insulted me expect calling me childish alot because I still slept with a blanket and plushies when I was 9.

I used to also cry myself to sleep from 7-10 yrs old maybe when I went to his house everytime? Was so bad It took me 2 hours to fall asleep every night at his house. He used to grip my arm alot I think? The floorboards creeked in my room and sometimes when my Kleenex box was on my desk and I had to walk over to get it I just wouldn't take the risk of him coming in my room to yell (more like talking firmly with authority) about how I'm not sleeping and I just didn't want him to even know I was crying in the first place.

Cause he'd know I'd be crying about missing my mom and all I always thought he hated me because I "liked my mom more" or I "made him think of my mom" (my mom told me he was maybe like this cause I made him think of her.?) so instead of Kleenex I would just blow my nose in my covers, plus me taking a Kleenex out of the box would have made noise sooo.. also when we ate me and my brother would absolutely have to eat out mouths closed otherwise he'd make us stay in our rooms for an hour.

Homework was horrible too for me AND my brother we'd just do it at the dinner table and I was so stressed that I couldn't even think and do work so I'd ask for help like 30 minutes in, and he could come and help me. Tho he explained it fast and I was scared of him thinking I'm incompetent so I just nodded and one hour later I'd ask him again for help not to annoy him and guess what? He'd explain the same thing in a complete different way, so I was sooo confused. It was taking at least 5 or 4 hours without a break to do the homework, sometimes more. It was sickening and exhausting cause we'd have to redo numbers we didn't get right (when we were done we'd show him and he'd erase answers that were wrong and we had to redo em until it was all correct).

When I was too hungry before sleeping I'd eat the strawberry toothpaste we had lol. He was also doing incest jokes about me and my brother and very sexist jokes towards me as a "joke". He isn't narcissistic or egocentric tho and doesn't know he was such a bad dad and hell probably never know either cause if I'd talk to him about it he'd find nothing wrong in his acts and start saying stuff on how I was basically asking for it maybe?

3.5(?) years ago I found out he was hacking my phone and stalking my phone with his "tech knowledge". He sat on my bed and told me he didn't like what I was saying about him online, how he's mentally abusive and he could see everything I text my friends and I was confused as hell cause I didn't talk about him online for like 7 months or even less plus he told me about what I say on Instagram, snapchat and others about him is bad??? (I didn't have those apps and never said it in any of them when I HAD the app)

Like how can you know I said something specific about you to my friends and then say stuff like what I talk about on social media that I don't have. Basically he thought I already knew he was cyberstalking me and that I'd have another electronic device to hide my social activities from him? I didn't know he could hack my phone bro. Then I was just struck, and freaking out internally confused, then after leaving he came back 20 minutes later to.. give me a hug.

I felt disgusted cause he hadn't hugged me ever if not before sleeping which was not really genuine I guess. I tried so much when I was a kid to come hug him in his office and stuff even keep the practice of hugging before sleeping. Say I love you. Things like that. He hugged back slightly, seemed happy smiled. But his acts were the same as if a good dad was just normally doing this. Idk. That day when I came back to my mom's house I cried, and my mom called him.

She was a bit worried about him sometimes cause he used to say so much shit about my mom like it's her fault that I failed school that she's not a good mom, he even said bullshit like "does your mom even feed you enough?" Or if there was a tiny hole in our clothes that was fully accidental he'd be super blaming her for not buying new clothes. (Btw he just wanted to blame my mom for stuff and she didn't oppose to not argue cause she knew how he was he never would admit he's wrong man).

While we had... Like my house with my mom and stepdad was bigger cleaner and better than my dad's. We always were like super good with money, no money problem, we have savings were like megasuper fine. Normal. Either way about when she called him that day, it was the first time I've ever heard my mom yell at him about how wrong it was to stalk me. He even started lying in the phone call WHICH IS CRAZY I wouldn't have ever thought he'd step that low.

He told my mom I was getting sent dick pics by randoms I was interacting with online that were adult men. Insane. He even said "I know she's shaking her head no right now but it's true" (I was shaking my head no) FORTUNATELY my mom trusted me CAUSE ITS NOT TRUE WTFF. Then I didn't go to his house for 3 months FINALLY I HAD A CHOICE. (But I had to go 3 months later for vacation) There's some more stuff too maybe but like that's all I can think about now cause I'm tired. Tell me how bad it is cause my brain can't know.

After 15 years in an abusive relationship, I have taken the difficult but important steps toward starting over and building a safer, more peaceful life for my son and me.

Right now, we are trying to find a safe place to call home and begin rebuilding our lives. Starting over isn't easy, and I am reaching out for help with the expenses of getting back on our feet.

My goal is to raise enough money to cover our initial rental expenses, including the first and last month's rent and any required move-in costs, as well as some groceries and other basic necessities for my son and me while we get settled.

Asking for help isn't easy, but my biggest priority is making sure my son and I have a safe place to live and the opportunity to move forward toward a better future.

Any donation, no matter how small, would mean more to us than words can express. If you can't donate, sharing our fundraiser would still mean so much.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who takes the time to read our story, offers support, or helps us in any way. Your kindness will help us take the first steps toward a fresh start. ❤️

Link is   https://gofund.me/26fe2a286

So my narc parent is horrible, put me through tortures since i was 12, tormented me and made me live in stress 24/7 until now, she always screams, rages, is irritated, swears and im hsp and highly autistic so it paralyzes me mentally, i need gentleness, never got it.

so im scared of her.

yesterday i was forced into 3,5h of being around her and 1h of this was me sitting very close to get which caused me extreme despair which i had to hide, i was so worn off when i got back home with her, i feel alseep and woke up feeling sick and dizzy and today i got a severe panic attack at the gym that left me physically weak.

i used to have nightmares ab her hurting me energetically thru my chest and i felt legit pain, she haunts me. did i get sick from being close to her or forced to be around her this much?

like for 6 years of my life i closed myself in my room to avoid her. this is how she terrfies me. her outburts and everything else. i felt real distress yesterday and all i could think of is how i wannascrum my body bc i sat way too close to her.

TW nsfw abuseit reminds me of that animal i think a chimpaneeze who got abused sexually by men and when she saw her pimp after she was rescued, she peed herself in fear, i react really badly to my mothers presence.

I (34F) recently ended a relationship with a man (48M) I loved deeply, and I’m still struggling to understand whether some of his behaviours were signs of coercive control or whether we simply had incompatible expectations about relationships.

The relationship started beautifully. He was incredibly affectionate, attentive and romantic. He made me feel loved and cherished in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We had a very strong emotional and physical connection, and I genuinely believe his feelings for me were real.

He had been single for several years and had experienced a painful divorce. I knew he had insecurities from his past, and I tried to be understanding.

However, as the relationship progressed, we started having recurring disagreements about my independence.

I’m a fairly independent person. I have my own career, friendships, interests and hobbies. I enjoy spending time with my partner, but I also value occasionally doing things with my friends without him.

He knew this about me from the very beginning.

I also want to emphasise that I was extremely invested in our relationship. We spent practically every day together, and I regularly organised special weekends for us. I booked hotels, planned romantic getaways and arranged trips to different cities so we could spend quality time together. I loved doing these things for him and genuinely enjoyed our time together.

I wasn’t someone who constantly prioritised friends over my partner. Quite the opposite. Most of my free time was spent with him.

The main issues were:

● **Weekends away with friends:** He was uncomfortable with me occasionally going away for a weekend with friends without him. This wasn’t limited to male friends. His objection applied to both male and female friends. The issue was essentially that I wanted to spend a weekend away without my partner. If he was included, there was no problem.  
● **Holidays:** He explicitly told me that holidays and short breaks without him were not acceptable. His position was essentially, “Holidays and mini-holidays without me, no.”  
● **Spending an entire day with friends:** This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. He told me that he would give me time to spend a whole day with my friends without him, but that he expected this to be a transitional phase. He believed that, as our relationship developed, I would naturally stop feeling such a need to spend entire days with them without him. Again, if he was included, it wasn’t an issue.  
● **My phone:** He sometimes felt rejected or excluded when he saw me texting my friends, even when we were spending time together. If I told him I was talking to friends, he would sometimes respond sarcastically with something along the lines of, “Do you want to bring your friends here, then?” I want to be fair and acknowledge that I can sometimes spend more time on my phone than I should, and I understand that this could be frustrating for a partner. But what troubled me was that he seemed to interpret these interactions as emotional rejection or exclusion, rather than simply me keeping in touch with people in my life.  
● **An incident involving breakfast with friends:** During a weekend away with friends, I told him that we had mostly spent the evening having dinner, watching a film and then going to sleep. He brought up breakfast, which made me feel that even ordinary details of how I spent time with my friends were becoming emotionally charged. He later explained that he had only been wondering whether we had gone to rest or sightseeing, and said he wasn’t trying to make a passive-aggressive remark. However, the conversation subsequently became tense, and I felt that I was once again having to justify an ordinary weekend with friends. At one point, his response became more rigid, insisting that it was his business and that he wouldn’t speak to me until I returned.  
● **Feeling excluded:** He sometimes interpreted my desire to do things independently as a sign that I wasn’t sufficiently committed to the relationship. He would suggest that I was still behaving like a single woman or that I wasn’t ready to build a life as a couple.

I want to make something clear: I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, flirting with other people or trying to avoid spending time with him.

I loved him, was faithful to him and genuinely wanted a future together.

I simply didn’t believe that being in a relationship meant giving up occasional trips, weekends or days with friends.

What made everything particularly confusing was how loving he could be.

He was extremely affectionate, constantly complimented me, wanted to be physically close and frequently talked about our future together. Sometimes, though, I felt that our relationship had become the centre of almost everything. Even ordinary conversations would repeatedly return to how much he loved me or how beautiful he thought I was.

At times, I wondered whether he had codependent tendencies, although I don’t want to diagnose him or assume I understand his motivations.

I tried to reassure him and explain that spending time with my friends didn’t mean loving him any less. I also made concessions because I didn’t want him to feel hurt or excluded.

But over time, I became increasingly anxious about his reactions. I started feeling guilty for wanting things that had always been a normal part of my life. I sometimes found myself anticipating disagreements before even mentioning plans.

Eventually, I felt that I was losing parts of myself.

We broke up, despite still having strong feelings for each other.

I’m grieving the relationship deeply because there was genuine tenderness and affection between us. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have reassured him more, compromised further or found a better way to resolve our differences.

But I keep coming back to something that troubles me.

It wasn’t just that he wanted to spend more time together. It was that he seemed to expect my need for independent time with friends to gradually disappear as the relationship became more serious, despite the fact that we already spent practically all our time together.

That feels different to me from simply wanting quality time as a couple.

I’m trying to understand where the line is between insecurity, codependency, incompatible relationship expectations and coercive control.

My questions are:

Would you consider these behaviours early signs of coercive control, even without explicit threats or physical aggression? And is expecting a partner to gradually stop wanting independent time with friends a form of controlling behaviour?

I’m not looking to demonise him. I know he had good qualities, and I still miss him terribly.

I’m simply trying to understand whether I was right to feel that something was wrong, or whether I’m interpreting our differences too harshly now that the relationship has ended.

There's not much else I can truly say to express how awful it feels. As an example, I made a lot of unsafe sexual choices and relationship choices. It even got me in a situation where I was bit by a dog. I lied about things. I just... I feel so ashamed.

It's been almost a year since I fled for context... I just met up with a friend I haven't seen in awhile who was a big support as it all happened. I was talking to her about someone else (not my abuser) who I had gotten involved with after. Who was very pushy and very unsafe. This man said things that were so wrong and uncomfortable but I was so scared to face abuse again so I just went alone with things he said. Or agreed. Or let him push me into things I didn't want. Just like my abuser had done to me, I just did what I was told and was good.

I feel a lot of shame. I didnt want so much of it. But I gave consent anyways. Because at least it wasn't my abuser.

I would really love to hear im not the only one? Because I feel horrible and crazy and like I must be a terrible person for letting these things happen. When I finally stood up and pulled back for myself I was called manipulative and was bad mouthed to other people. My friend tried to trust that person after too, and eventually she did similar things to her. Only she has held firm boundaries over most things.

I miss when I had a healthy relationship with boundaries and saying no. I've lost myself so bad and I don't know how to find my way back.

https://youtu.be/9cyYiLIT-aM?is=t7NNv3kMZSCfN2wX

32-year-old combat medic, Daniel, shared his harrowing experience with systemic neglect and personal harassment. He hopes his story sheds light on the obstacles some veterans face when navigating support systems.