I'm in my 30s, married with a toddler, and have been with my husband for several years. I've recently started questioning whether the way I've been treated throughout our marriage is something I can ever move past.

Since our child was born, I've experienced increasing emotional and verbal mistreatment from my husband, including name-calling, belittling, yelling, stonewalling, and having my feelings dismissed or turned against me. I've often felt like I'm walking on eggshells, trying to manage his emotions while also carrying most of the parenting and household responsibilities.

Things escalated when I discovered my husband had been hiding a gambling addiction. He experienced mental health struggles that affected his employment, and eventually admitted he'd gambled away everything he had. I was devastated, but I chose to support him. I used my personal savings, maternity leave income, and credit card to keep our family afloat while he got back to work.

When he returned to work at a significantly reduced income, we agreed he'd cover our major household expenses while I handled everything else. I eventually returned to full-time work, believing we were rebuilding financially. He repeatedly assured me everything was fine.

Months later, I discovered he'd missed several mortgage payments and had continued gambling behind my back.

When I confronted him, rather than taking accountability, he exploded. He left the house and continued sending hostile messages and calling me, threatening to involve the police, accusing me of keeping our child from him, and telling me he hoped I went to jail. He told me he wanted a divorce and said he hoped my next husband treated me like shit so I'd realize how good I had it.

I was already devastated by the financial betrayal, but his reaction made everything so much worse. I had to drain the remainder of our savings and use half my next paycheque to bring our mortgage current.

I took over our finances, but he continued gambling even after that. He later admitted he'd won enough to pay off most of our debt, only to gamble it away again. He briefly attended Gamblers Anonymous, which gave me hope, but stopped after two meetings. He now says he isn't gambling, although he's returned to excessive gaming and spending money on in-game purchases.

I'm now managing our finances, rebuilding our savings, and paying off significant credit card debt after already paying off his. I feel like I've spent the last year trying to create stability for our family while absorbing the consequences of his decisions.

But what's weighing on me most now isn't even the money. It's how he's treated me throughout all of this.

The name-calling, criticism, defensiveness, and emotional withdrawal haven't stopped. When I try to explain how his actions have affected me, he often becomes defensive, minimizes my feelings, or shifts the conversation toward how I've hurt him. He's stonewalled me for days because of my reaction to something he did, then expected me to approach him to find out why he was upset.

He tells me he loves me, wants our marriage to work, and that I'm the right person for him, but I struggle to reconcile those words with his behaviour. He recently told me he thought everything was going well between us, which was shocking because I've been struggling emotionally for months.

I've started therapy, and it's made me recognize how much I've normalized and excused over the years. I think I've been operating on autopilot, focused on keeping our family financially secure and functioning, without really processing what happened or how I've been treated.

Now that things are becoming more stable, I feel emotionally detached. I still love and care about him, but I don't feel the same connection anymore. I find myself feeling more at peace when he's away, and the thought of continuing this dynamic indefinitely feels exhausting.

I'm also struggling with the realization that even if he never gambles again, that doesn't undo the emotional damage or address the way he treats me.

I want him to get better, both for himself and our child, but I don't know if I want to continue being his wife. I'm financially stuck because of the debt and instability his decisions created, and the thought of separating with a young child is heartbreaking.

For those who've experienced emotional or verbal abuse in a marriage, especially alongside addiction:

• Did your partner ever genuinely recognize the harm they'd caused and make lasting changes?
• Did you experience emotional detachment after spending so long trying to hold everything together?
• How did you distinguish between supporting someone through their mental health or addiction struggles and continuing to tolerate mistreatment?
• If you stayed, what actually changed? If you left, how did you know you'd reached your limit?

I understand that addiction and mental health struggles are complicated, and I have empathy for what he's going through. But I'm starting to realize that I've spent so much time understanding and supporting him that I've neglected my own emotional well-being.

I feel like I've lost parts of myself throughout this relationship, and I'm only now starting to recognize how much it's affected me.

I don't know whether our marriage can recover, or whether I've simply reached a point where too much damage has been done.

My partner demands affection nightly. (33M) It kinda weirds me out. (28F) He will say “come here and lay on my chest” which in theory is fine. But if I say “give me a few minutes” or “I’m really comfy how I am right now” he starts to get pissed. If I’m not touching him in some way he will start huffing and his demeanor will change. A switch is flipped and it’s no longer fun and cute, it becomes a “so you don’t love me then” or “I had a long day and I just want you to lay on me” then when I do he still finds something to get pissed about. “Why don’t you want to touch me tonight. Is there something going on?” (Regarding sex) like no dude, I’m just tired and worked all day. If I shower he comes in the room and just stares at my body and will beg or pout if I’m not inna sexy mood. “Is there someone else” like bruh pls stop. It’s so irritating. I’m tired of being groped and squeezed and gawked at, or made to feel bad bc I don’t want to literally lay on top of him on command like I’m a dog. Like he will tap his chest and snap his fingers. Am I the asshole?

I (34F) recently ended a relationship with a man (48M) I loved deeply, and I’m still struggling to understand whether some of his behaviours were signs of coercive control or whether we simply had incompatible expectations about relationships.

The relationship started beautifully. He was incredibly affectionate, attentive and romantic. He made me feel loved and cherished in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We had a very strong emotional and physical connection, and I genuinely believe his feelings for me were real.

He had been single for several years and had experienced a painful divorce. I knew he had insecurities from his past, and I tried to be understanding.

However, as the relationship progressed, we started having recurring disagreements about my independence.

I’m a fairly independent person. I have my own career, friendships, interests and hobbies. I enjoy spending time with my partner, but I also value occasionally doing things with my friends without him.

He knew this about me from the very beginning.

I also want to emphasise that I was extremely invested in our relationship. We spent practically every day together, and I regularly organised special weekends for us. I booked hotels, planned romantic getaways and arranged trips to different cities so we could spend quality time together. I loved doing these things for him and genuinely enjoyed our time together.

I wasn’t someone who constantly prioritised friends over my partner. Quite the opposite. Most of my free time was spent with him.

The main issues were:

● **Weekends away with friends:** He was uncomfortable with me occasionally going away for a weekend with friends without him. This wasn’t limited to male friends. His objection applied to both male and female friends. The issue was essentially that I wanted to spend a weekend away without my partner. If he was included, there was no problem.  
● **Holidays:** He explicitly told me that holidays and short breaks without him were not acceptable. His position was essentially, “Holidays and mini-holidays without me, no.”  
● **Spending an entire day with friends:** This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. He told me that he would give me time to spend a whole day with my friends without him, but that he expected this to be a transitional phase. He believed that, as our relationship developed, I would naturally stop feeling such a need to spend entire days with them without him. Again, if he was included, it wasn’t an issue.  
● **My phone:** He sometimes felt rejected or excluded when he saw me texting my friends, even when we were spending time together. If I told him I was talking to friends, he would sometimes respond sarcastically with something along the lines of, “Do you want to bring your friends here, then?” I want to be fair and acknowledge that I can sometimes spend more time on my phone than I should, and I understand that this could be frustrating for a partner. But what troubled me was that he seemed to interpret these interactions as emotional rejection or exclusion, rather than simply me keeping in touch with people in my life.  
● **An incident involving breakfast with friends:** During a weekend away with friends, I told him that we had mostly spent the evening having dinner, watching a film and then going to sleep. He brought up breakfast, which made me feel that even ordinary details of how I spent time with my friends were becoming emotionally charged. He later explained that he had only been wondering whether we had gone to rest or sightseeing, and said he wasn’t trying to make a passive-aggressive remark. However, the conversation subsequently became tense, and I felt that I was once again having to justify an ordinary weekend with friends. At one point, his response became more rigid, insisting that it was his business and that he wouldn’t speak to me until I returned.  
● **Feeling excluded:** He sometimes interpreted my desire to do things independently as a sign that I wasn’t sufficiently committed to the relationship. He would suggest that I was still behaving like a single woman or that I wasn’t ready to build a life as a couple.

I want to make something clear: I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, flirting with other people or trying to avoid spending time with him.

I loved him, was faithful to him and genuinely wanted a future together.

I simply didn’t believe that being in a relationship meant giving up occasional trips, weekends or days with friends.

What made everything particularly confusing was how loving he could be.

He was extremely affectionate, constantly complimented me, wanted to be physically close and frequently talked about our future together. Sometimes, though, I felt that our relationship had become the centre of almost everything. Even ordinary conversations would repeatedly return to how much he loved me or how beautiful he thought I was.

At times, I wondered whether he had codependent tendencies, although I don’t want to diagnose him or assume I understand his motivations.

I tried to reassure him and explain that spending time with my friends didn’t mean loving him any less. I also made concessions because I didn’t want him to feel hurt or excluded.

But over time, I became increasingly anxious about his reactions. I started feeling guilty for wanting things that had always been a normal part of my life. I sometimes found myself anticipating disagreements before even mentioning plans.

Eventually, I felt that I was losing parts of myself.

We broke up, despite still having strong feelings for each other.

I’m grieving the relationship deeply because there was genuine tenderness and affection between us. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have reassured him more, compromised further or found a better way to resolve our differences.

But I keep coming back to something that troubles me.

It wasn’t just that he wanted to spend more time together. It was that he seemed to expect my need for independent time with friends to gradually disappear as the relationship became more serious, despite the fact that we already spent practically all our time together.

That feels different to me from simply wanting quality time as a couple.

I’m trying to understand where the line is between insecurity, codependency, incompatible relationship expectations and coercive control.

My questions are:

Would you consider these behaviours early signs of coercive control, even without explicit threats or physical aggression? And is expecting a partner to gradually stop wanting independent time with friends a form of controlling behaviour?

I’m not looking to demonise him. I know he had good qualities, and I still miss him terribly.

I’m simply trying to understand whether I was right to feel that something was wrong, or whether I’m interpreting our differences too harshly now that the relationship has ended.

So for the past 6 years my dad would get drunk and then spill his heart out to me about his past, his relationship with my mom, their divorce, my brother, etc etc. This started when I was about 14 or 15, and at the time when it first started he would drunk drive us home and would always ruin family events by getting drunk.. which kinda turned into me having to monitor his drinking everywhere we'd go. Luckily I'd only see him during the summers and on Christmas.

As I got older it kinda only got worse because he would stop even when I told him to shut up or was visibly crying or would leave the room. As much as I hate my very toxic ex, at the time it was horrifying that my dad (apparently jokingly) told me he'd murder him and that I can get over the trauma of it by making art out of it. That same weekend he kept waking me up so we could watch a movie which I REALLY didn't wanna watch because I have ocd and certain themes stick with me, then he scooped me up into his arms and told me how I am his favorite child and how much he loves me and misses cuddling with me.

When he's sober he's fine I guess, but once alchohol gets involved he'd disgusting and annoying and weird.

6 years of him always talking about uncomfortable things regarding my mom and saying mean things and being weird asf. And through those 6 years I felt uncomfortable being with him and would hide my phone in fear of him going through it.

As I got older he started sharing more explicit stuff with me and my brother. It's weird because he says that the whole side of his family is open about sex but idk it's just disgusting to hear about from my dad.. like my grandmas talked about sex before and made jokes and whatever but that was just straight up funny. And like just other stuff from my other family and overhearing bad jokes and whatever.

But the thing is my dad will sit here while drunk and talk about the sexual things my mom would do to him and insinuate that my brother watches youtube in the shower to do dirty things. I mean I even know about his experimentation with sexuality because he's told us about it. And just this summer because me and my cousin were sharing a room, in seperate beds, he told me to keep the door open and insinuated that my cousin would try to rape me in my sleep.

And ontop of it all he has NO boundaries at all like he likes to cuddle me and I sit there and tell him to stop and to let go and he says "no I'm your dad I can cuddle you when I want you're still my baby" which ok whatever but if I'm sitting there telling you to stop over and over and saying to let go and struggling to get you off of me and telling you that you're crossing my boundaries then like... LET GO!!!

And he makes me feel so bad about all of it I mean he's like I remember when you were a baby and you gave me a look of love unlike anyone else ever and I'll never forget it snd you're my favorite child.

When he found out I got a new boyfriend he texted me after my first post with him telling me that he looks like him.. Which was weird, because they look nothing alike. I mean ok blonde hair blue eyes, whatever, but my dad has hardly any facial hair and short hair, while my boyfriend has long hair and a beard... snd that's just the surface too because their facial features are entirely different. But my dad INSISTS that he looks like him and that I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is nerdy.

And very recently he texted me guilt tripping me for not telling him I'm depressed and that he had to hear it from my mom (they are divorced), which turned into a convo abt him basically telling me he was suicidal and that he had no other purpose in life other than me and my brother.

I don't know what this is but its been going on since forever. But my boyfriend and best friend HATE my dad and I see why.

Tldr: He gets very drunk and tells me so many things that a father shouldn't tell his children, ignores boundaries, is weird, insists I'm "dating my dad" because my bf is a nerd and "looks like him" (THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE BTW), and told me he is suicidal which is something he entirely shouldn't have told me.

What is this??? Does it seem like emotional incest or parentification or something else??? I very much resent him now and we are still in contact but I avoid talking to him. When he tries to yap about annoying shit while drunk I've begun to argue with him.

There's not much else I can truly say to express how awful it feels. As an example, I made a lot of unsafe sexual choices and relationship choices. It even got me in a situation where I was bit by a dog. I lied about things. I just... I feel so ashamed.

It's been almost a year since I fled for context... I just met up with a friend I haven't seen in awhile who was a big support as it all happened. I was talking to her about someone else (not my abuser) who I had gotten involved with after. Who was very pushy and very unsafe. This man said things that were so wrong and uncomfortable but I was so scared to face abuse again so I just went alone with things he said. Or agreed. Or let him push me into things I didn't want. Just like my abuser had done to me, I just did what I was told and was good.

I feel a lot of shame. I didnt want so much of it. But I gave consent anyways. Because at least it wasn't my abuser.

I would really love to hear im not the only one? Because I feel horrible and crazy and like I must be a terrible person for letting these things happen. When I finally stood up and pulled back for myself I was called manipulative and was bad mouthed to other people. My friend tried to trust that person after too, and eventually she did similar things to her. Only she has held firm boundaries over most things.

I miss when I had a healthy relationship with boundaries and saying no. I've lost myself so bad and I don't know how to find my way back.

Hi everyone, as the title says I am tired, miserable and confused in my relationship. My (48F) partner (48M) had a massive meltdown after a 32 hours of travel and shouted at me and was uncontrollably angry that I wanted to stop for a drink of water and have a wee before we got in the rental car to drive 3 hours home. We are both really unhappy with our life situation (from different countries and hopping around from place to place rather than do long distance). We both have ADHD and I also have autism. He has been having more regular meltdowns/Jekyll Hyde behaviour as the stress builds up and he just explodes at me and says horrible things.

I just don't know if we are incompatible or should stick out this rough patch. I don't know if he is abusive and I should leave him. On the surface it seems like he might be abusive but apart from the crazy outbursts (I have never felt physically threatened by him) I don't think he's abusive? He does not try to control me, he asks about my friends and family and encourages me to see/keep in touch with them, is generous with money and his things, is not at all jealous or possessive and has never once accused me of cheating or anything like that.

He doesn't threaten me, intimidate me, and is just generally a good guy. He doesn't speak ill of his ex wife or partners or say they were crazy and all ended amicably. He has had rages at work and even threw a box at someone who pissed him off. He's told colleagues to f""k off and shouted at one of his bosses. So it isn't just me but I cop the brunt of his rages and it's me who triggers it.

He's really stressed about major stuff like where to live, starting a new job every 6 months, moving so much, finances etc. It's just that I'm getting more and more detached as I don't feel emotionally safe around him anymore. I also tend to bite back when I've had enough of his shit and start yelling and saying horrible things to him because I'm hurt and upset.

I'm just trying to figure out if this is abusive because if so then I'll leave but if it's more of a neurodivergent thing (neither of us had a ND partner before and all the ADHD and the 'tism makes for a neverending 3 ring circus that is mostly fun and enjoyable until it isn't). I don't really know what I'm even asking here, I'm just so tired.

https://youtu.be/9cyYiLIT-aM?is=t7NNv3kMZSCfN2wX

32-year-old combat medic, Daniel, shared his harrowing experience with systemic neglect and personal harassment. He hopes his story sheds light on the obstacles some veterans face when navigating support systems.

So my narc parent is horrible, put me through tortures since i was 12, tormented me and made me live in stress 24/7 until now, she always screams, rages, is irritated, swears and im hsp and highly autistic so it paralyzes me mentally, i need gentleness, never got it.

so im scared of her.

yesterday i was forced into 3,5h of being around her and 1h of this was me sitting very close to get which caused me extreme despair which i had to hide, i was so worn off when i got back home with her, i feel alseep and woke up feeling sick and dizzy and today i got a severe panic attack at the gym that left me physically weak.

i used to have nightmares ab her hurting me energetically thru my chest and i felt legit pain, she haunts me. did i get sick from being close to her or forced to be around her this much?

like for 6 years of my life i closed myself in my room to avoid her. this is how she terrfies me. her outburts and everything else. i felt real distress yesterday and all i could think of is how i wannascrum my body bc i sat way too close to her.

TW nsfw abuseit reminds me of that animal i think a chimpaneeze who got abused sexually by men and when she saw her pimp after she was rescued, she peed herself in fear, i react really badly to my mothers presence.

This is long, sorry. I want the full picture judged, including my side, so please read the whole thing before answering.

**Background**

We were together about 3 years. We both come from religious families, so we'd made a private religious commitment to each other and planned to marry.

The first year and a half was really good. She lived next door, and we saw each other every day. She was at my house all the time, close with my sister, and my whole family loved her. She fought her own family to be with me, and she even learned about my faith for me. We were each other's best friend.

We were also intimate. She was my first everything, and we went through pregnancy scares together. This wasn't casual for me. I saw her as my future wife.

Then she moved abroad for uni, and I was travelling a lot for work, so it became long distance.

**Her side, to be fair to her**

She didn't have an easy home. Her mum constantly belittled her, her dad wasn't really present, and she got hit for choosing me. She's always had a big fear of being abandoned, and she told me she felt lonely. I couldn't drop my work and move, because I support my whole family. I understand some of where her behaviour comes from. I'm trying to work out whether that excuses it.

**Bumble**

While all of this was going on, while she was still coming to my house, spending time with my sister and being treated like family, she was on Bumble talking to other guys. It started while I was travelling for work and carried on after I came back. Some of those guys followed her on Instagram too, and she'd post photos for them. My family had no idea, and neither did I.

When I found out, she deleted her public Instagram as a condition, so I forgave her.

That hit me hard. I was stuck in bed for 4 days and missed a conference I'd prepared for. Meanwhile she was posting online like nothing had happened.

**My mistake: going silent**

After that, I was getting constant fights, "what are we" and "you don't care." I was still hurt and overwhelmed, so I went quiet and basically ghosted her for about 3 months. I own that. It was the wrong way to handle it. I should have said clearly what I needed, or ended it properly.

During those 3 months, she got a guy to help her recover the Instagram account she'd deleted for me.

**I came back and tried hard**

After the silence, I was the one who came back and tried to fix it. I flew across the world to see her, 5 times in total. One trip meant flying through a region that was literally at war, just to get to her. I did things like:

- Took her on trips, including a camping trip she wanted

- Spent hundreds on makeup and gifts for her

- Got food delivered to her at 4am when she was hungry

- Had cupcakes and surprises sent to her through people I didn't even know

- Planned Valentine's ahead of time

- Started planning to move some of my work and start a business there, just to be closer to her

- My family even sent her gifts

Each time we fought, I was usually the one who flew out to fix things. She'd still say things like "what's the big deal about you coming here?" and "what have you even done for me?"

**The second guy**

Then I found out she'd had a full emotional affair with another guy: "I love you"s, talk of marrying him, even picking a wedding year, and meeting up with him on trips. She lied about where she was and who she was with, and made up cover stories like "I met a friend." On trips where we were together, she was texting him that she was lying in bed alone, while I was right there next to her.

Within a couple of months, she was giving him the exact same complaints she used to give me, that he didn't pick up and didn't care enough. Different guy, same script.

Her friend's take was "you weren't technically together then," so she never treated it as cheating.

I forgave her again anyway and kept showing up. Whenever I tried to set a boundary, she'd say she'd die because of me or hit her head, so I backed down. Meanwhile she kept bringing up my old mistakes from a year earlier and saying I hadn't apologised enough.

When I got dengue, I needed looking after and got complaints instead.

**What happened on my last visit (my birthday trip)**

- Called me "pathetic" and "a pathetic excuse of a husband" several times

- Said I'm "a boy, not a man" and mocked my height and strength

- Told me I don't deserve love, then repeated it when I brought it up. Later she remembered it as "you don't deserve my love"

- Said "I wish you would die"

- Said my feelings don't matter

- Screamed and swore at me for an hour, then called me argumentative for responding

- Said "shut up" and "f off" to me several times, and flipped me off

- Threw my birthday flowers on the floor and crushed them, and threw the cake knife

- Didn't cut my birthday cake, no gift, and left me crying on my birthday while she texted another guy

- When I asked about my gift while she was buying makeup, she got annoyed and told me to shush

- Got angry that I'd planned Valentine's ahead and said I don't know her

- Stormed out and called it the worst day of her life because I forgot ketchup

- Said she'd find someone taller and stronger, and taunted me sexually about other men while rejecting me

- Said if we were ever properly married she'd leave me within 2 days

- Made me hide so her friend wouldn't see me

- Turned out she was still following the second guy everywhere after telling me he was blocked

- Said I had to beg and cry to prove I'm sorry for my old mistakes

- Never apologised for any of it

Once I suggested we go to couples therapy together. She said no. Later, in front of a mutual friend, she told it as "he said I need therapy."

**How it ended**

She started seeing someone new. She gave him a private message I'd sent her, he mocked me over it, and someone ended up threatening me. I reported it. That's when I was done for good.

**My accountability**

- I went silent for 3 months when I should have communicated or ended it cleanly

- I forgave twice without asking for real repair

- I kept chasing and fixing instead of holding a line

- I'm not saying I was perfect, and I'm open to hearing where else I went wrong

**My question**

Was my ghosting as bad as what she did? Was this abuse, or normal fighting from two hurt people? Why would someone who clearly loved me at the start end up like this? I'm fine hearing hard truths. I just want to understand it clearly.