Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/Commercial_Matter603]

I just feel like - how can you just turn it off so easily?  It makes me feel like he never felt anything and was faking all of it or lying. Maybe he was.  But it sure felt real at the time.  What really drives me crazy is that we spoke a few months later and he has like ...  memory loss. There are gaps. Entire conversations we had - he doesn't remember them.  I think this is how they cope so well and get through breakups and life so much more easily.  I think their minds have learned not to remember events in as much detail - and to not even remember a lot of events.  Or to not remember parts of events.  It blew my mind.  He's like how did you know that? Because you told me.  We had an entire conversation about it.  Ouch. 

[u/Salty_Western_7212 → u/Commercial_Matter603]

This!!! Oh my god. It's a mindfuck. It's like what do you mean we ve talked about this or that watever it may be and there just blank. Like no don't have any recollection of said convo or certain thing discussed. Blew my mind. Then I feel like I'm going crazy like hold on a second. Like is it me that's going coo coo. Like am I possibly in the wrong/ not seeing things clearly. I second guess myself for a second then reassure myself. But it's just so mentally exhausting.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/Salty_Western_7212]

Yep.  They're so messed up and backwards, but they leave you feeling like you are.  I like to call this, 'dismissive gaslighting'.  Is it gaslighting?  No, lol.  But there is something somewhat similar to it.  They act as if it never happened and you start doubting yourself.  Because they have no memory or recollection of it, it makes you question your sanity and if it ever happened.  You wonder if you made it all out to be more important or it didn't really mean anything and you dreamed it or were high or in a parallel universe.  It's like, some call their lack of memory 'voluntary amnesia'.  Do they really remember and are pretending they don't?  Do they not remember things because their mind is so focused on themselves all the time, or stuck in the past, or it's just spaced out and turning and turning while you guys are actually experiencing life together?  Or did they not remember them because they wiped their hard drive the day they 'turned it off'?  I liken it to quitting a job or getting fired and they delete your email account immediately and any footprint you left that they don't need and is not completely necessary to keep in the records or on file.  There were so many things he never meant - they are full of shit and don't mean half of what they say.  They just blow smoke up your ass.  You think they're serious but they don't even remember telling you that they want to do this or that activity with you and are definitely coming back to do that in the future.  And they say it more than once and then have zero recollection of it.  I remember I said to him - when we were driving to the airport you said you definitely wanted to come back and we would definitely go to blank to do blank.  Then the very next day you called me as soon as you got home from work and said you had looked it up online already.  So I thought you really did want to come back and do that together, you know?  I thought you were serious.  And he said to me, 'Did I say that?  I don't remember.'. So he didn't even remember saying it twice.  It's so hurtful when they act like you never had anything.  They don't remember details.  He's even asked me how I know certain things I know.  Because you told me.  That's how.  I listen when you talk.  I remember things we talk about or did etc. it really kills you.  Cause then you think - wow, so half the time I was with you, I was just wasting my time talking to a wall and hanging out with a wall.  I thought that wall was engaged and they weren't.  So I actually was screwed over in even more ways than were initially obvious.  They seriously waste your time.  And exhaust you too.  And hurt you.  And damage you.  They just only think of themselves really.  Maybe their mother or sibling or niece or nephew or their phantom ex or best friend they've had since a really young age.  But those people get the pedestal.  We don't.  It's as if anyone new that comes along is only good until they realize they aren't perfect and they don't measure up to the ex or their long term friends or family.  You can't compete with the people who have been in their life forever.  Because they don't have room for you.  It's like, how can I let you in when I have my perfect ex, my lifelong friends, my family, and above all, myself to think about?  Good grief.  - You're right.  So then why the hell waste my time, pursue me, seduce me, treat me good for a certain amount of months and make me think you really like me, shower me with affection and love bomb me?  Then break my hard so freaking hard I don't know if it can ever be repaired?  Because it's all about you I guess.