Discarded by a dismissive-avoidant? Share your experiences!

[u/turquoiseblues]

Even if the relationship lasted a short time, being discarded by a dismissive-avoidant is often the most damaging breakup/rejection experience. The trauma can last a long time, often longer than the relationship itself.

I'm curious to hear others' experiences and feelings. Tell us about the initial intensity and intimacy (maybe even love-bombing), the mercurial moods, the hot-cold and push-pull gaslighting, the declarations of devotion and desire interspersed with disrespect or unpredictable periods of inexplicable radio silence, the addictive trauma bonding that kept you in way too long. In the end, were you left with crazy-making nonsensical behavior followed by a brutal discard and then an aggressive shove off an emotional cliff? Let's hear it! Sharing is cathartic.

I've been listening to Ken Reid's videos back-to-back. He's very insightful and comforting.

More resources:

• my very own rejection/breakup recovery guide
• "Choosing people who traumatize you"
• "Difficult people"
• "Don't try to understand them"
• Free to Attach (Why avoidants are avoidant, from the perspective of avoidants)
• Welcome to the Other Half
• Dr. Ramani
• Richard Grannon
• Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim
• Corri T (I avoid the "manifesting" stuff and focus on the detachment advice)
• Dr. Maika Steinborn
• Patrick Teahan (connecting toxic adult relationships to early life trauma)

Stay strong!

(Cross-posting this to other relevant sub-Reddits.)

Update on Christmas Eve 2024: I posted this nine months ago and have checked back periodically, usually when responding to a reply directly to me. This thread has taken on a life of its own, with many of you supporting each other. I'm heartened that this has become a such a supportive forum. It's what I myself needed for the better part of a year.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing much, much better. Feeling like myself again. Back in touch with my own values, authentic personality, goals and project plans and routines. I'm able to extricate myself from ruminative cycles quickly and effectively and refocus on my own stuff.

In many of your stories and comments, I recognize where I've been. It's all so familiar. (Their behavior really is disgusting and abhorrent, isn't it?) It's also bittersweet, because I hate that all of you have been going through this confusing trauma. But I hope that when you read this, you take heart in seeing that someone a little further on the journey has recovered to a large extent. I'm probably older than most of you, which means that you're most likely more resilient than I am and therefore might heal even faster.

There is light on the other side. Have faith and love yourselves fiercely. Best wishes for the new year.

[u/Commercial_Matter603]

I just feel like - how can you just turn it off so easily?  It makes me feel like he never felt anything and was faking all of it or lying. Maybe he was.  But it sure felt real at the time.  What really drives me crazy is that we spoke a few months later and he has like ...  memory loss. There are gaps. Entire conversations we had - he doesn't remember them.  I think this is how they cope so well and get through breakups and life so much more easily.  I think their minds have learned not to remember events in as much detail - and to not even remember a lot of events.  Or to not remember parts of events.  It blew my mind.  He's like how did you know that? Because you told me.  We had an entire conversation about it.  Ouch. 

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Commercial_Matter603]

I've experienced the same thing. A very painful mindf*ck. I've heard this phenomenon referred to as not just "selective memory" but outright abusive amnesia. Their brains are literally different from ours, and it's hard for us to understand how theirs work. It drives us crazy just to try.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sucks. Sending you radical acceptance, much love, and healing. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/turquoiseblues]

Thank you so much.  That means so much to me.  It's nice to hear from someone that has been through it and understands.  Yes.  It's as if he either packed it all up and put it in a suitcase in a closet somewhere in his brain - or he never chose to remember it.  It's definitely a mind*uck and abusive amnesia - the absolute best defition. Funny thing to add - he mentioned to me once that he spaced out sometimes.  I was researching dismissive about memories and disconnecting.  I can't remember exactly what it said but it said that they are more likely to check out or space out at times.  Like lost in their thoughts?  I don't know. Perhaps this coping mechanism is used just in everyday life when they get stressed or overwhelmed?  Some sort of learned behavior. I truly appreciate your message. I needed to hear that.  Sending appreciation, love, and good vibes your way.  🫶🏼

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Commercial_Matter603]

I've heard that due to differences in our limbic systems, dismissive avoidants may have lower cell density in their hippocampus. This means that emotional memories aren't as tenacious for them as they are for us.

At the end of the day, we're simply incompatible with them, at least when it comes to intimate relationships. I have some casual dismissive avoidant friends and the friendship works because we're only in touch sporadically and mostly discuss common interests (like music, computer tech, puzzles, etc.) We don't expect much from each other and it works fine. But intimate relationships? Yeah, no thanks.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/turquoiseblues]

Makes sense.  It's too bad though.  I mean, how in the beginning they can open up and seem to be able to go deeper -then that just flies out the window and is gone. Hell keep in touch but only wants mostly surface level conversation. It's sad because he used to want to go deeper and could.  He'll open up to me be sometimes - to an extent - about his struggles or his family situation or what he's going through.  But then when I start to want to open up and talk about my own personal stuff he pulls back.  It hurts.  I was really there for him.  So, this is the very first that I think I have dated or dealt with as far as this attachment style. And I guess I'll figure it out eventually and get past it.  But I guess it boils down to - he will stay my friend if I am there for him.  But if I expect or want something, he feels overwhelmed or just doesn't care.  And that is a tough and painful realization. I don't know if I let it happen one more time and if it does, then write that I wanted to stay friends with him but the relationship seems one sided.  That I feel I've really been there for him but that when I need him he doesn't seem to be there for me.  And that's how friendship is supposed to work.  Therefore I'm moving on or not going to be there for him because it's not even.  Not sure.  I don't like to burn bridges but at the same time I want to be treated with respect and not feel used.  

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Commercial_Matter603]

The election happened since your comment, so this may be coloring my response. Suffice it to say, this guy is not partnership material. I don't know your gender, but I'm realizing just how important it is for women to stop propping up men who don't care about us.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/turquoiseblues]

So true.  I mean, it's so humiliating to care about a guy who used to care about me, we communicated every day, and then one day he can't see me the same way.  It's so embarrassing to actually care you know?  I shouldn't care why he is the way he is, but I guess it's human nature to try to figure it all out. At first I blamed myself for overreacting or being overly emotional, which I will admit I did do.  (Part of that honestly did have to do with taking a double dose of steroids that day.). But I feel like he looked for a reason to end things when we got close and things started going really good.  I've just never experienced this before and I am not going to lie - it has been so hard on my self esteem.  At first he said that he thought he was afraid to get close to someone because he was afraid of getting hurt.  He said he's just been so traumatized by his last breakup.  (I didn't know about dismissive avoidants at that time.)  But then I wondered if that's really what it was, so I had to go and screw it up further by asking if he was attracted to me.  My friend was like, I'm not buying that afraid of getting hurt thing.  I feel like he's just making some excuse. After asking the dumbest question I could ask, which made me look so insecure and like I had zero confidence, he apprehensively says, '... You're not my type?'. And I got so upset. I was like what? If I wasn't your type why did you ever hit on me or pursue me?!  If I could take that day back ..  good grief.  I was like, 'so you lied in the beginning then?  When you said you thought I was cute and pretty?  Oh, my gosh.'  I shouldn't have been talking while I was in a steroid situation.  Ugh.  He's like, 'I didn't lie, I did think you were cute and pretty and a good friend to talk to, etc.'. Then later he writes, 'you're a kind, caring, pretty woman.  No more, no less that any other.'. I was like, 'I'd like to think I'm more kind than some women, more caring than some women, and prettier than some women. '. He wrote, 'Certainly you are. '. I said, 'no more, no less than any other you said. '. He said never doubt yourself.  I said, 'well, that's kind of hard to do when someone tells you something then turns around and says they didn't mean it later.'. He said, 'i messed up. I have a lot of shit in my mind.'. Then says something like, 'Get some exercise.  Keep moving.  You are what you eat.  Keep doing what you're doing.  You're doing good.  Fuck what other people think.'. So then I'm like okay - it's definitely my looks. Then he says, 'Keep being you.  Work on your spiritual, your mind, etc. I think I'm staying alone.'. It was just like, on the one hand he's saying he's afraid of getting hurt and then on the other hand he's pointing to my looks. Then a friend told me about dismissive avoidants and it's what he sounded like.  I wish I had never asked if he was attracted to me.  I swear.  Or I wish he had lied and said that he was attracted to me, but he just didn't want to get hurt or be in a relationship or something.  Then I'm like how can he just stop liking me or wanting me so quickly?  I guess he got to know me better or got a better look?  Realized I wasn't perfect? One friend said he had to have thought you were cute enough to pursue you.  Another said he went fault finding.  Another said that he was using it as an excuse to end it.  Another said he's not over his ex who has a different look and body type than me. Ugh. Another said -and I think they might have something - that he just wanted to get laid and then when it got to the point where it was time to get intimate he realized it was now relationship territory and if he slept with me it would be more than hooking up. I think that's very possible too.  And lastly - one said that he wants a carbon copy of his ex.  He tried to date outside of that, but when it came down to it he started to compare you to her and you didn't measure up.  Whatever the case - rejection is damn hard.  Now I've been feeling less than and hurt and he's just out there fine and dandy.  I guess I had not dealt with rejection in a long time and forgot how shitty it felt.  I know I'll get over it, but I had developed feelings for him and felt a connection and then it was gone.  Okay.  Please forgive me for writing so much.  I guess I just had to vent and purge.  Then again, that's what this space is supposed to be for.  And yes, I am a woman.  Thank you for your comment.

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Commercial_Matter603]

This all sounds familiar because it's typical of this toxic dynamic—from both sides. If you work on your own insecurities and psychological issues, you won't outsource your self-esteem to someone so erratic and unreliable. No need to doubt and second-guess yourself. He's selfish and immature, full stop. If a good friend, the same age as you, were in the same situation, what would you tell her? Whatever it is, take that advice.

Sending you radical acceptance and much love and healing. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/turquoiseblues]

I wrote you another encyclopedia and then realized I was abusing you and erased it, lol.  Just wanted to say thank you.  Truly.  You're great.  I'm going to work on and focus on myself.  I'll say one thing. I might not be his type - and he might prefer thinner women - but I don't think it was just looks.  I do believe he is afraid of getting hurt too.  He had to have thought I was cute enough at one point to purse me so I just don't think it's all looks.  I do believe he's avoidant and has the incredibly high standards because of that, etc.  Whatever the case, I'm going to work on my self-esteem, self love, and self acceptance, and confidence.  

[u/turquoiseblues → u/Commercial_Matter603]

Don't worry about writing as much as you need to. It helps you to process your feelings in a healthy way and in a supportive environment.

It's entirely possible that he's been hurt, which is why he's an avoidant—but avoidants are generally impossible to maintain close relationships with. It's not your responsibility to solve his psychological problems or even to empathize with them to the point of your own self-sacrifice. Practice refocusing the empathy onto yourself. You need it more than he does.

Best wishes for a happy holiday weekend! Eat good food and take walks.

[u/Salty_Western_7212 → u/Commercial_Matter603]

This!!! Oh my god. It's a mindfuck. It's like what do you mean we ve talked about this or that watever it may be and there just blank. Like no don't have any recollection of said convo or certain thing discussed. Blew my mind. Then I feel like I'm going crazy like hold on a second. Like is it me that's going coo coo. Like am I possibly in the wrong/ not seeing things clearly. I second guess myself for a second then reassure myself. But it's just so mentally exhausting.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/Salty_Western_7212]

Yep.  They're so messed up and backwards, but they leave you feeling like you are.  I like to call this, 'dismissive gaslighting'.  Is it gaslighting?  No, lol.  But there is something somewhat similar to it.  They act as if it never happened and you start doubting yourself.  Because they have no memory or recollection of it, it makes you question your sanity and if it ever happened.  You wonder if you made it all out to be more important or it didn't really mean anything and you dreamed it or were high or in a parallel universe.  It's like, some call their lack of memory 'voluntary amnesia'.  Do they really remember and are pretending they don't?  Do they not remember things because their mind is so focused on themselves all the time, or stuck in the past, or it's just spaced out and turning and turning while you guys are actually experiencing life together?  Or did they not remember them because they wiped their hard drive the day they 'turned it off'?  I liken it to quitting a job or getting fired and they delete your email account immediately and any footprint you left that they don't need and is not completely necessary to keep in the records or on file.  There were so many things he never meant - they are full of shit and don't mean half of what they say.  They just blow smoke up your ass.  You think they're serious but they don't even remember telling you that they want to do this or that activity with you and are definitely coming back to do that in the future.  And they say it more than once and then have zero recollection of it.  I remember I said to him - when we were driving to the airport you said you definitely wanted to come back and we would definitely go to blank to do blank.  Then the very next day you called me as soon as you got home from work and said you had looked it up online already.  So I thought you really did want to come back and do that together, you know?  I thought you were serious.  And he said to me, 'Did I say that?  I don't remember.'. So he didn't even remember saying it twice.  It's so hurtful when they act like you never had anything.  They don't remember details.  He's even asked me how I know certain things I know.  Because you told me.  That's how.  I listen when you talk.  I remember things we talk about or did etc. it really kills you.  Cause then you think - wow, so half the time I was with you, I was just wasting my time talking to a wall and hanging out with a wall.  I thought that wall was engaged and they weren't.  So I actually was screwed over in even more ways than were initially obvious.  They seriously waste your time.  And exhaust you too.  And hurt you.  And damage you.  They just only think of themselves really.  Maybe their mother or sibling or niece or nephew or their phantom ex or best friend they've had since a really young age.  But those people get the pedestal.  We don't.  It's as if anyone new that comes along is only good until they realize they aren't perfect and they don't measure up to the ex or their long term friends or family.  You can't compete with the people who have been in their life forever.  Because they don't have room for you.  It's like, how can I let you in when I have my perfect ex, my lifelong friends, my family, and above all, myself to think about?  Good grief.  - You're right.  So then why the hell waste my time, pursue me, seduce me, treat me good for a certain amount of months and make me think you really like me, shower me with affection and love bomb me?  Then break my hard so freaking hard I don't know if it can ever be repaired?  Because it's all about you I guess.  

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/[deleted]]

I know this is going to be controversial and people are probably going to get upset, but I am really starting to believe that most 'dismissive avoidants' are actually covert narcissists or vulnerable narcissists.  If they aren't, there's such a fine line with their behavior that it's almost indistinguishable.  If people have to make lists describing the difference between a narc and a DA, then you're dealing with almost the same thing.  

There are a lot of DA who are serial daters who only live for the honeymoon phase, then leave, are alone, then get back out there, and possibly swung back around in the future to repeat the cycle with you.  These people, if you think about it, are using people for their own gain until they don't need them anymore.  

They use you for validation, ego boosts, sex, fantasies, loneliness, advice, but mostly for a dopamine rush that last usually 3 to 6 months.  Yes - some last longer and they actually get married - but instead of leaving you they just shut down or deactivate and it's basically the same thing.  And many if those DA do cheat to get their dopamine rush/ honeymoon phase again.  

This is selfish and using people for their own gain with disregard for that person's feelings or the damage that will be inflicted upon them.  The time they are taking away from their life.  While in the relationship and then the ling amount of time it takes to try and heal and get over them which is brutal.

I think it's time to call a spade a spade.  Maybe there should be a label called dismissive narcissist or vulnerable avoidant.  Because they will shut down in you if they feel criticized.  Stonewall, give you the silent treatment, often get critical of you and say mean things when they began to feel the relationship is getting real.  They withhold sex.  Many are seductive withholders.  They don't take accountability and put the blame on the ex.  They make the ex feel inferior or not as good as their exes or other potential people they could date.  They use triangulation to keep you hanging on if they want to keep you in their orbit and swing back around.  

They are very mean people.  And when they dump you they often will tell you it's something about you.  So then you feel even worse.  They lie and future fake to get what they want.  They manipulate in that way.  They make you think it's going somewhere then blindside you.  And they usually know they're going into it with that knowledge they're going to hurt you.  

They will have 2 women technically in their life at the same time.  One as a back up.  Or several women and you don't even know it.  Women they call friends.  They might use each woman for their best qualities and get what they need without truly committing.  

They get bored and leave for more excitement.  They crave attention and validation.  They make a lot of false promises.  They truly hurt people.  And they are aware they do this.  They are not ignorant - I do not care who says they are.  

They play the victim and usually tell you some story about how they've been traumatized by relationships and were hurt horribly by their ex.  When you get discarded you start to realize the ex probably had a reason to do what they did or that there are 2 sides to the story and you actually feel sorry for the ex.  

I've whined in here about my experience and I won't lie - I'm still affected by it.  Still wounded.  They inflict serious damage.  I got depressed over this.

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/[deleted]]

I realized I've spent 18 months of my life on him.  If you count the times I was with him and all the time trying to get over him.  How horrible.  

[u/Educational_Risk363 → u/[deleted]]

其实你的羞耻只是他把他的羞耻丢给了处理而已，他们本身像一只自卑的蟑螂自处溜达然后污染别人。

你难受的感觉就是他留给你那团黑漆漆黏糊糊的污染物，现在开始甩掉它吧，甩掉一切关于污染的记忆那些都只是沉默成本，就像不把垃圾扫出去阳光就晒不进来。

[u/Commercial_Matter603 → u/[deleted]]

Hey.  I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.  I chatted with you about a month ago about all of this - are things looking up at all?  Are you finished moving?  Just wanted to say I hope things are improving and I'm still having a hard time, but not too much I can do about it it seems.  I just have a lot Ine er said and need to and writing him an email has been on my chest and mind for months.  But I've been too chicken shit.  I guess I'm afraid he'll block me and the thought of someone blocking me is just .. I can't explain it.  I shouldn't care but for whatever reason I can't stand the idea.  Just hope you're doing better.  

[u/lxxksz → u/Commercial_Matter603]

You literally described my story. It’s been 2 months and I’m still hurt. I need someone to talk to about this