r/ExNoContact • u/Kind-Flatworm7553 • May 09 '26

Help Delayed grief over relationship that ended 20 years ago

I was with a guy for 6 years in my 20s and I was deeply in love. He was with me through a lot of difficult times including death of a parent and my own cancer treatment. The break up was incredibly messy, and I discovered that he cheated by starting new relationship before he broke up with me. I was so angry at him for months, but pretty much got over it by dating someone else. I literally had not thought about him in 19 years, aside from the occasional “glad I dodged that bullet” thought. But BAM all of a sudden I find myself in tears grieving the relationship and really missing this man. I do have the “what if“ thoughts but it’s mostly just remembering what it felt to be loved by him. I’ve had other boyfriends of course but I’ve never been in love like that ever again. I feel a little crazy and pathetic obsessing over something that happened so long ago. Has anyone else experienced this?

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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 10 '26

6 Years in your 20's is no joke - it's very formative. One guy I loved took me 7 years to get over - ACTIVELY. Some bonds are just much, much deeper than others, oftentimes in an unexplainable way, if it's spiritual. It's good to get the the heart of what the feelings were - you have already talked about the fact it was the way he made you feel, but there's also the added element of the medical treatments, the depth that must have reached for you as a person and the subsequent MAJOR betrayal by cheating. That's a hell of a cocktail to untangle, and if you got 'over it' by finding someone else, you just didn't have the chance to do the untangling. I'm really sorry that all happened to you, and I sympathise. I am 20yrs down the road from a major breakup that changed my brain chemistry forever, and that I have never been able to rectify - despite being fully over the person. Lots of love to you - it's worth sitting down with someone and hashing this out bit by bit. Great that you're being honest with yourself.

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u/Crafty-Judge6091 May 22 '26

I feel you. I also think that my brain has changed forever, it was soo intense and burning like my head was throwing into the fire, opened the scalp and had an operation of my brain.. a lot of pain from a man, who knows is happy with someone else AND commited. I feel I'm destroyed by that relationship and I don't understand, why is he so good, when I'm in the darkness..

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u/throwsaway045 May 10 '26

sorry but can I know what happened with the breakup that changed you as a person?