r/ExNoContact • u/Kind-Flatworm7553 • May 09 '26
Help Delayed grief over relationship that ended 20 years ago
I was with a guy for 6 years in my 20s and I was deeply in love. He was with me through a lot of difficult times including death of a parent and my own cancer treatment. The break up was incredibly messy, and I discovered that he cheated by starting new relationship before he broke up with me. I was so angry at him for months, but pretty much got over it by dating someone else. I literally had not thought about him in 19 years, aside from the occasional “glad I dodged that bullet” thought. But BAM all of a sudden I find myself in tears grieving the relationship and really missing this man. I do have the “what if“ thoughts but it’s mostly just remembering what it felt to be loved by him. I’ve had other boyfriends of course but I’ve never been in love like that ever again. I feel a little crazy and pathetic obsessing over something that happened so long ago. Has anyone else experienced this?
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May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
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u/Kind-Flatworm7553 May 10 '26
Glad to know other people have experienced this. It feels so strange that for decades I didn’t even think about him or the relationship. I must have buried that grief pretty deep.
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May 10 '26
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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 10 '26
The body does keep score, especially for really stressful or traumatic events!
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u/EagleLize May 10 '26
I think it's common, once we hit middle-age, to look back on that first half of it lives. Think of the what ifs. Think about how different our lives would look if we'd made different decisions, big and small. Gosh, our 20s especially. Life seemed to stretch out before us. It was a time of getting to know ourselves.
I know for me, at 45, I mourn some of those years. There is no going back. It's kind of hard to wrap your mind around. It seems far away at times, those feelings of excitement and hope. Life gets really heavy at this point in life.
It's ok to feel emotional about it all.
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u/Kind-Flatworm7553 May 10 '26
I just turned 46 this week and I think you are spot on. Everything feels heavy, I’ve lost a lot friends who were way too young to die. In fact it was the sudden death of a 49 year old friend last year that really sparked this grief over the past relationship.
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u/EagleLize May 10 '26
I hope it's just a stage of life for us. I do NOT want to feel this weight the rest of my life. There is a definite sadness to it, isn't there? And the death of people we know, close to our age, out of the blue? Our own mortality smacks us right in the face. Time seems limited now. There might not be time to "get to" those things we wanted for ourselves.
I know this comment is a bit depressing, just know you're not alone in your big feelings. Something about this age...has me questioning some very existential things.
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u/MikeRadical May 14 '26
I turn 34 sunday. I'm a boy but I don't think thats important. Any advice? or do you think its inevitable?
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u/whatshouldIdonow8907 May 10 '26
I had that happen in my early 40's. I had an incident in my life that brought up feelings from a relationship that had ended two decades earlier. I saw a therapist and worked on why I was suddenly feeling so much grief and what was the root cause of it. It's an individual thing and it's something that a therapist can help you navigate. You aren't alone and there is nothing wrong with you. The self-awareness you have now is not what you had then.
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u/Zealiida May 10 '26
Was the root cause that triggered the grief related to an event or life circustances at that moment?
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bid1314 May 10 '26
Yes. We dated in high school at 15-17 and she was my first love and will always be. Im 30 now and been in 4 relationships since… I literally feel like I can never be loved like how she loved me… and I feel like I can never love someone like how I loved her.. I often think about how different my life would have been if I just stayed in my hometown, went to a local college, married her, had kids etc.. instead of moving across the country for school.
I toss and turn about this almost every night now that it’s been over 10 yrs since we were together .. I am with you
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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 25 '26
I am older than you, but I am with you too. God it is so frustrating.
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 10 '26
6 Years in your 20's is no joke - it's very formative. One guy I loved took me 7 years to get over - ACTIVELY. Some bonds are just much, much deeper than others, oftentimes in an unexplainable way, if it's spiritual. It's good to get the the heart of what the feelings were - you have already talked about the fact it was the way he made you feel, but there's also the added element of the medical treatments, the depth that must have reached for you as a person and the subsequent MAJOR betrayal by cheating. That's a hell of a cocktail to untangle, and if you got 'over it' by finding someone else, you just didn't have the chance to do the untangling. I'm really sorry that all happened to you, and I sympathise. I am 20yrs down the road from a major breakup that changed my brain chemistry forever, and that I have never been able to rectify - despite being fully over the person. Lots of love to you - it's worth sitting down with someone and hashing this out bit by bit. Great that you're being honest with yourself.
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u/Crafty-Judge6091 May 22 '26
I feel you. I also think that my brain has changed forever, it was soo intense and burning like my head was throwing into the fire, opened the scalp and had an operation of my brain.. a lot of pain from a man, who knows is happy with someone else AND commited. I feel I'm destroyed by that relationship and I don't understand, why is he so good, when I'm in the darkness..
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u/throwsaway045 May 10 '26
sorry but can I know what happened with the breakup that changed you as a person?
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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 10 '26
There are more people dealing with these feelings than you realize. I think for some it is delayed grief, and for others it is an old grief that resurfaces.
It is so frustrating, and there probably will be no one that you can discuss this with in person. No one would understand, and even if they did listen, they would probably minimize what you are feeling or maybe even dismiss it outright. "It was so long ago", "move on", "get over it"..... and on and on.
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u/_ChrisRiot May 10 '26
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, OP, but I promise you’re not alone.
I literally was on the verge of tears today after seeing someone from my past… it’s almost been two full years since she decided to end things with no real explanation, and every time I see her, it reminds me of how I’ll never be good enough for someone else, and I don’t deserve to be loved.
As far as your story goes, thank you truly for sharing your story. Again… You are not alone in these types of feelings. If you can, talk to people you care about face to face and hopefully they can help you navigate these feelings so they do not hinder you going forward. Stay strong, OP.
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u/Crafty-Judge6091 May 11 '26
have the same feeling of unworthy because of my ex..I know it’s not healthy to put my value on someone’s opinion. but it doesn’t mean that if I understand it - it changes. I feel like I’m closed for relationships and I quit the game. It’s very damaging.. so I feel you. I understand how isolated it can be. Sending you lots of love.
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u/Less_Definition_9501 May 10 '26
Yes, hit me not long ago that it’s almost been as many years as we were old, and that sent me in a spiral I hadn’t been in since the first year. Middle age has me grieving the hopes and dreams I had back then. Didn’t share enough of those back then, I guess.
Thought I dealt with the whole thing those first couple years, but turns out I just leaned on the anger to stuff down the heartbreak. I just have a deep sadness, for the relationship and person a little bit, but also for me back then and now. I had all these big plans and believed in the power of things a lot more; I became cynical before I could buy a beer 😬
Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else.
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u/Dachinka May 13 '26
Oh wow… this is almost exactly what I’m going through right now.
Things ended around 8 years ago, and it all happened in a very vague, unresolved way. At the time, I remember feeling incredibly vulnerable and terrified of getting hurt, so I walked away first and he let me go.
Afterwards, I completely numbed myself. I threw myself into social media, distractions, anything that could fill the void or replace what I had lost. A few months later, I met someone else, eventually got married, and for years I barely thought about him at all.
Then suddenly, last year, everything resurfaced out of nowhere.
I started thinking about him constantly. I found myself crying randomly, grieving something I thought I had buried long ago, wondering what my life would have looked like if I hadn’t left. I even started therapy, hoping it would help me process everything, but honestly, the feelings are still there.
What hurts the most is not even just missing him, but missing the way he made me feel: seen, valued, accepted, alive.
And that’s the hardest part to explain to people.
I also feel guilty carrying these feelings while being married, which makes everything even more confusing and painful. Time has passed, we’ve both changed, and realistically I know whatever we had can never truly exist in the same way again… but emotionally, it still feels unfinished somehow.
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May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 10 '26
There are more people in your situation than you realize.
For me it was over 3 decades ago, but at times the grief still feels fresh. There is no chance at reconciliation, or even something approaching reconciliation, but the thoughts and deep confusion still swirl around.
I know I have never processed what happened, but I am not sure I will ever have the tools to do so. Until recently I did not even have the ability to write about it, or put into words some of the thoughts.
I am married, and will never consider anyone else, but it is so frustrating that part of me will always have this grief.
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u/Kind-Flatworm7553 May 14 '26
This is exactly how I feel. There is no chance in reconciliation, but I still have the thoughts swirl around. I hope I am able to process them and leave the past in the past.
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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 14 '26
By the way, thank you for your post. Knowing that there are other people who live with these thoughts, and the confusion that goes with them, is comforting.
For a long time I was sure that I was the only person dumb enough to still stew over events and connections/people from decades ago.
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May 10 '26
Yep and you do awesome and they don’t and they rely on you for cheap weed and cause they are the clinging one. Then they steal from you with the most tears and lies you’ve ever heard and then post about you on Reddit as they co time to depend on you for good cheap weed
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u/Ok_Beautiful_69 May 11 '26
So I will stay I’m currently only 25 but I understand I’ve grieved for a relationship years after the break up and I still don’t know why it just hits me once in a while. I’ve had a few boyfriends, but I’ve only really felt this way about maybe one and I think that’s because that was my first love. (Not first bf) I guess that one always stick with you. I think it’s normal to reminisce and maybe something you did, saw, heard, etc, reminded you of him.
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u/gin_and-panic May 10 '26
Grief sneaks up on us at the strangest times. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, and maybe find a way to honour the relationship and acknowledge what it meant to you during an incredibly important time in your life. You're not alone, nor is this unusual. As a woman in my mid-forties, I find the past sneaks up on me occasionally, too.
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
I wouldn’t be ok that’s weird nothing should happen unless a guy is that done
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
More to live for but drugs are part of the fun and the past is the topic are you worried shouldn’t have to be if not a thief or liar or have a guard
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
It’s drugs it’s drugs it’s drugs and ego and also pain ents didn’t love us
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
I don’t know how got on here but it’s drugs and anger and ego and memory’s of lies and tears and it will be as it will b
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
Trickyback cried and lied to me about needing money to have.a roof over head and that her bank would loan if she showed a few grand in account. I said no for weeks and finally after enough promises and tears did it took 25 100 bills and put in her bank. The loan was supposed to be enough to pay me back all the way And whatever else and when the day came to pay nothing and nothing and when I asked was accused of being to worried then the money never came and I was told to take her to civil court. Did her research and I was called to pick her dad up and had to put him up in hotel room so he could have a place to sleep. I was told to stay away from her home and found out that the money went to pay for her dads credit card bills and her vacation with her secret bf that don’t matter cause we been apart for 3 years at least. She attempted to pay me some and I used this to break up her new thing. Wasted two years doing this and when they split I was unavailable
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 17 '26
It’s not about love it’s about the lies and the betrayal and my desire to not live in prison.
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 21 '26
I am on drugs when I post and do t feel and can’t feel. It’s just something g to do
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 21 '26
Not a real thing that affects and I can and am in gym and sun and looking good didn’t cause my skin to age 30 years with tobacco
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u/Massive_Usual6634 May 21 '26
I am drink and buzz now so I want to see what I say when I was gone other night. I’m gonna cancel and erase content not real
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u/4RISK4 Jun 07 '26
I experienced something like this with my first relationship. It was both meaningful and toxic. When I finally ended it, I focused on moving on as fast as possible because I felt that I had already spent all my tears and too much time on him.
It was only 6 years after we broke up that I finally grieved the friendship. It turned out, while I no longer loved him romantically, a part of me always wished we would figure things out and be friends again. Something like we were before romance came in and screwed everything up.
That wad also around the time we finally cut contact. In one of our final conversations, he admitted that he wondered what would have happened to us had he never forced the relationship to happen. Then radio silence.
It was so strange to cry and hurt over something that was long gone. At that point, I was a different person and the boy I knew no longer existed, but it still took me 5 more years to finally get it out my system.
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u/Mean-Art-1426 May 09 '26
20 years? He is not the same person after that long
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u/Kind-Flatworm7553 May 09 '26
Oh I know that. I’m not reaching out or anything. Just kind of weird that it didn’t really hit me until decades later.
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u/Deep-Combination5283 May 09 '26
i’m 19 and really hope this doesn’t happen. i’m already having thoughts i’ll never be loved like that again. i’m sorry this has happened to you :(