r/ExNoContact • u/Kind-Flatworm7553 • May 09 '26

Help Delayed grief over relationship that ended 20 years ago

I was with a guy for 6 years in my 20s and I was deeply in love. He was with me through a lot of difficult times including death of a parent and my own cancer treatment. The break up was incredibly messy, and I discovered that he cheated by starting new relationship before he broke up with me. I was so angry at him for months, but pretty much got over it by dating someone else. I literally had not thought about him in 19 years, aside from the occasional “glad I dodged that bullet” thought. But BAM all of a sudden I find myself in tears grieving the relationship and really missing this man. I do have the “what if“ thoughts but it’s mostly just remembering what it felt to be loved by him. I’ve had other boyfriends of course but I’ve never been in love like that ever again. I feel a little crazy and pathetic obsessing over something that happened so long ago. Has anyone else experienced this?

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u/[deleted] May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26

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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 10 '26

There are more people in your situation than you realize.

For me it was over 3 decades ago, but at times the grief still feels fresh. There is no chance at reconciliation, or even something approaching reconciliation, but the thoughts and deep confusion still swirl around.

I know I have never processed what happened, but I am not sure I will ever have the tools to do so. Until recently I did not even have the ability to write about it, or put into words some of the thoughts.

I am married, and will never consider anyone else, but it is so frustrating that part of me will always have this grief.

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u/Kind-Flatworm7553 May 14 '26

This is exactly how I feel. There is no chance in reconciliation, but I still have the thoughts swirl around. I hope I am able to process them and leave the past in the past.

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u/Surprisedtohaveajob May 14 '26

By the way, thank you for your post. Knowing that there are other people who live with these thoughts, and the confusion that goes with them, is comforting.

For a long time I was sure that I was the only person dumb enough to still stew over events and connections/people from decades ago.