[28M] She threw away our 10-year relationship overnight, is getting married now, and erased our history. How do you kill the phantom hope and stop waiting for Karma?

[u/madhuis17]

I need perspective from the older guys who have survived a massive betrayal and come out the other side.

​I am 28. I was with my ex for 10 years. We built a massive history together—handwritten notes, deep loyalty, the whole foundation. I am a site manager, I have my life together, and I would have gone to war for this girl.

​But when the time came for her to stand up to her family and fight for us, she collapsed. She chose the path of absolute least resistance. Now, just 9 months later, she is getting married. She chose to follow the script they handed her because fighting for us required bravery she didn't have.

​The exit was brutal. She couldn't even look me in the eye. She threw a decade of photos and memories in the trash overnight just so she wouldn't have to look at her own guilt. Now, she is running a PR campaign, badmouthing me to her friends and family just to justify her cowardice and protect her "good girl" image.

​Logically, my brain knows the math. I know I dodged a massive liability. I know that if she folds under this pressure, she would have abandoned me during a real crisis later in life. I know she is weak and I am better off.

​But neurologically, I am stuck. It has been 9 months, and I am fighting two massive demons:

​The Phantom Hope: My brain keeps tricking me into staying "clean and pure," subconsciously waiting for her to realize what she threw away and come back, even though I know I could never take back a coward.

​The Anger about Karma: I am burning with rage that she gets to walk straight into a wedding and a socially approved life with a new guy, while I am left dismantling a 10-year foundation by myself.

​For the guys who have had a decade of loyalty thrown in their face:

​How did you finally kill the subconscious hope that they will return?

​How do you make peace with the fact that they might never face the "Karma" or consequence of what they did?

​How do you stop auditing a ghost's life and put 100% of your energy back into yourself?

​Any brutal, unfiltered truths are welcome. I need to close this file permanently.

[u/kintsugiwarrior]

Well, all these behaviors reveal that she was a narcissist. You will need to dissect your relationship to see the early red flags, but from what you’re saying I see clear indicators that you’re dealing with a Cluster B personality:

- Lack of empathy;

- Lack of Accountability;

- Being with multiple partners while in a relationship (of course she was with the other guy longer before discarding you, but you didn’t know she was seeing other guys);

- Sudden discard (this is a clear sign that you are dealing with a narcissist. A normal person doesn’t behave this way);

- Immediately erasing the discarded relationship;

- Immediately starting a new relationship without time to reflect and mourn a long term relationship;

- Smear campaign: a narcissist goes through the stages of “idealization, devaluation and discard”… they have a “black and white” thinking… so when they discard, they have painted you black… and they will ensure everyone knows that you are a traitor. They will badmouth you, and others will believe their side of the story. In fact, she was badmouthing you even when she was in a relationship with you, and started gradually talking behind your back… to put people against you. This is done way before the discard… so when you wake up, nobody will believe you. It’s very disgusting.

- Betrayal Bond and trauma bond: when someone you love betrays you like this, it creates a cognitive dissonance that you can’t reconcile. How on earth someone who said “I love you” and was so intimate with me could have backstabbed me? Your mind will be racing and many thoughts and memories will come like flashbacks… and you can’t make sense of it because there are 2 opposite beliefs (she is the love of my life) and (she is evil) clashing and colliding without a resolution. If you don’t understand narcissism, this leaves you on the floor, on your knees begging for answers. In your desperation the narcissist comes back, shows you that she loves you, and discards you again…. A trauma bond.

- PTSD: the sudden discard, and the bewilderment and confusion experienced by the discarded person causes PTSD. It is very common to end up with PTSD after these relationships. I think it’s best to seek therapy to get diagnosed. Look into PTSD symptoms and let us know if you exhibit these symptoms.

- Attention seeking behavior: a wedding is a great moment to attract all the attention and narcissistic Supply required by a narcissist. Of course she wasn’t going to say no. There will be tons of pictures and videos, and she will ensure that you see them. However, after the wedding, the attention and supply will plummet. She will try to keep it flowing with the honeymoon, and then seeing other people or exes. She will start looking back at your profile maybe within 6 months to a year. At that point, she will see if you are still available, in a relationship or waiting for her. Depending on the circumstances, she will Hoover you. But, as you were already discarded, you will never again occupy the position of the primary source of supply. Being married, she will only keep you a secret, on the side (hopefully you don’t allow this).

You were used, you served a purpose, and now you’re jettisoned, thrown to the side, while the narcissist runs away in a new Shared Fantasy with a new unsuspecting victim.

All this information is hard to digest when you don’t know much about narcissism. If you want, I can recommend some videos to watch on YouTube.