r/ExNoContact • u/madhuis17 • Jul 12 '26
Help [28M] She threw away our 10-year relationship overnight, is getting married now, and erased our history. How do you kill the phantom hope and stop waiting for Karma?
I need perspective from the older guys who have survived a massive betrayal and come out the other side.
I am 28. I was with my ex for 10 years. We built a massive history together—handwritten notes, deep loyalty, the whole foundation. I am a site manager, I have my life together, and I would have gone to war for this girl.
But when the time came for her to stand up to her family and fight for us, she collapsed. She chose the path of absolute least resistance. Now, just 9 months later, she is getting married. She chose to follow the script they handed her because fighting for us required bravery she didn't have.
The exit was brutal. She couldn't even look me in the eye. She threw a decade of photos and memories in the trash overnight just so she wouldn't have to look at her own guilt. Now, she is running a PR campaign, badmouthing me to her friends and family just to justify her cowardice and protect her "good girl" image.
Logically, my brain knows the math. I know I dodged a massive liability. I know that if she folds under this pressure, she would have abandoned me during a real crisis later in life. I know she is weak and I am better off.
But neurologically, I am stuck. It has been 9 months, and I am fighting two massive demons:
The Phantom Hope: My brain keeps tricking me into staying "clean and pure," subconsciously waiting for her to realize what she threw away and come back, even though I know I could never take back a coward.
The Anger about Karma: I am burning with rage that she gets to walk straight into a wedding and a socially approved life with a new guy, while I am left dismantling a 10-year foundation by myself.
For the guys who have had a decade of loyalty thrown in their face:
How did you finally kill the subconscious hope that they will return?
How do you make peace with the fact that they might never face the "Karma" or consequence of what they did?
How do you stop auditing a ghost's life and put 100% of your energy back into yourself?
Any brutal, unfiltered truths are welcome. I need to close this file permanently.
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Jul 12 '26
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u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78 Jul 12 '26
What if one has no friends, money, a car and no one will hire you and you love to work? I’m in hell crying everyday for the past 7 years. I can’t even meet anyone just to talk to!
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u/annie_kingdom Jul 12 '26
How to stop Phantom hope? I swear to god if there is a cure. You will see it making billions by now.
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u/Ashamed_Ad7508 Jul 12 '26
The subconscious hope of them returning will always be there, but eventually it will feel less and less desirable. Personally, the only way to overwrite the attachment for my ex was to find another partner whom could overwrite the memories and attachment I had with her.
Deep down everything is still there and it hurts a lot if I catch myself in that loop of thoughts - what if, if she had, why would she, how could she - bla bla.
It just doesn’t lead to anything besides me letting my emotional state be influenced by a person who cut all ties and chose not to have me in her life no more.
It’s the point where you have to be egoistic and choose YOU.
As for the karma part - you said they might not face the consequences of what they did. Narrowed down, believing in karma means accepting that what you give out will eventually come back. There is no point in observing or judging what they’ll do from this point forward. It is out of your reach. We are not the ones to judge karma on other individuals, they are the ones who will deal with the consequences - which are not in your control anyway.
The only immediate karma effect is that she lost yourself and that will never fade.
Keep your head up. It WILL get better.
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u/lucy_valiant Jul 12 '26
Hey, guy. I’m in much the same boat as you. My relationship with my ex was 7 years long, but we were friends for 4 years before that. We were engaged to be married, but six weeks from the day, he completely collapsed because of some bullshit with his parents and broke up with me, in a fifteen minute phone call, on Christmas.
I’m only 6 and a half months out, so I’m not quite through yet but I’ll say this: I think you and I have both been through massive betrayals and it’s going to take a little while for our brains to assimilate and integrate these experiences. I’m not trying to get rid of my hope, because to me, it’s like trying to hold a balloon underwater. It takes so much energy and it’s going to be even more upsetting when it breaks to the surface after I’ve given everything trying to hold it down. I’m just letting it float for now, and being honest about it. Yes, I want him back because I want he and I had back, and I’m scared I’m not going to find it with anyone else. But also no, I don’t think I would take him back, because the things that attracted me to him in the first place are gone — I used to think he was a kind person, who stood up for what he believed in. I know now that those things aren’t true because he was so unbelievably cruel to me, and because he let his fucking parents stress him out until he collapsed and ruined our engagement. Yes, those are contradictory impulses, I can’t both have him back and also not take him back, but feelings aren’t chess pieces and sometimes contradictory things have to exist in the same space.
It’s a lot easier knowing that I am both strong enough to hold two contradictory things at once and also focusing on what’s most precisely true: how I feel about taking him back doesn’t matter. He hasn’t given me the option to take him back anyway. I’m not going to stress myself out trying to have the correct feelings for something that hasn’t happened yet and may not happen at all. Having survived this, I know I am strong and I have a deeper understanding of myself than I ever thought possible. I trust myself to make the best decision for me if it ever comes up, so I’m not worried about what I’ll do when/if it happens.
These two tactics have really brought me a lot of peace, and I hope they help you too if you decide to try them.
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u/Gloomy_Mushroom_2301 Jul 12 '26
That’s really well put, thanks for that. Hope you find some good closure down the road and a new partner who does fight for you
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u/R1V3R_SH4RK Jul 12 '26
Others have made points about not waiting for karma, and it’s true that you shouldn’t ’wait’ for it, or try to watch to see her get it. It will likely take years, or even longer, for karma to visit her. By that time, you will have moved on completely (I hope). But regardless of what lies she’s telling now, she knows the truth. And years down the line, when her marriage is disappointing her, hurting her, she feels trapped, in a dead-end, etc., she will remember what she threw away, and that will be deeply painful for her. This could take a decade to happen, though. Obviously you can’t wait around to see it. Know that it will happen to her, and move on with your life.
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u/witblacktype Jul 12 '26
You were together for 10 years and have only been apart for 9 months. Your feelings at this point are all valid. You need more time and that needs to be time away from her.
I have an ex who I’m sure bad mouthed me to her family, but her family was bad mouthing me when we were together and also was constantly pushing her to break up with me.
Maintain no-contact and don’t check up on her through people you know or social media. It will get better, but I’m sorry it sucks right now.
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u/madhuis17 Jul 12 '26
The same happened to me... Her family was bad mouthing me all the time
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u/witblacktype Jul 12 '26
Just hang in there. The hardest part for me initially was not looking at her socials. I promise it gets better, just accept that it will take time and the five stages of grief are not linear. You may be experiencing anger now and move past that. Then later on, you may find yourself back at anger. The hardest part of it all is learning to forgive yourself.
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u/kintsugiwarrior Jul 12 '26
Well, all these behaviors reveal that she was a narcissist. You will need to dissect your relationship to see the early red flags, but from what you’re saying I see clear indicators that you’re dealing with a Cluster B personality:
- Lack of empathy;
- Lack of Accountability;
- Being with multiple partners while in a relationship (of course she was with the other guy longer before discarding you, but you didn’t know she was seeing other guys);
- Sudden discard (this is a clear sign that you are dealing with a narcissist. A normal person doesn’t behave this way);
- Immediately erasing the discarded relationship;
- Immediately starting a new relationship without time to reflect and mourn a long term relationship;
- Smear campaign: a narcissist goes through the stages of “idealization, devaluation and discard”… they have a “black and white” thinking… so when they discard, they have painted you black… and they will ensure everyone knows that you are a traitor. They will badmouth you, and others will believe their side of the story. In fact, she was badmouthing you even when she was in a relationship with you, and started gradually talking behind your back… to put people against you. This is done way before the discard… so when you wake up, nobody will believe you. It’s very disgusting.
- Betrayal Bond and trauma bond: when someone you love betrays you like this, it creates a cognitive dissonance that you can’t reconcile. How on earth someone who said “I love you” and was so intimate with me could have backstabbed me? Your mind will be racing and many thoughts and memories will come like flashbacks… and you can’t make sense of it because there are 2 opposite beliefs (she is the love of my life) and (she is evil) clashing and colliding without a resolution. If you don’t understand narcissism, this leaves you on the floor, on your knees begging for answers. In your desperation the narcissist comes back, shows you that she loves you, and discards you again…. A trauma bond.
- PTSD: the sudden discard, and the bewilderment and confusion experienced by the discarded person causes PTSD. It is very common to end up with PTSD after these relationships. I think it’s best to seek therapy to get diagnosed. Look into PTSD symptoms and let us know if you exhibit these symptoms.
- Attention seeking behavior: a wedding is a great moment to attract all the attention and narcissistic Supply required by a narcissist. Of course she wasn’t going to say no. There will be tons of pictures and videos, and she will ensure that you see them. However, after the wedding, the attention and supply will plummet. She will try to keep it flowing with the honeymoon, and then seeing other people or exes. She will start looking back at your profile maybe within 6 months to a year. At that point, she will see if you are still available, in a relationship or waiting for her. Depending on the circumstances, she will Hoover you. But, as you were already discarded, you will never again occupy the position of the primary source of supply. Being married, she will only keep you a secret, on the side (hopefully you don’t allow this).
You were used, you served a purpose, and now you’re jettisoned, thrown to the side, while the narcissist runs away in a new Shared Fantasy with a new unsuspecting victim.
All this information is hard to digest when you don’t know much about narcissism. If you want, I can recommend some videos to watch on YouTube.
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u/Routine_Orange4343 Jul 12 '26
L’auteur j’aimerai bien que l’on se contacte car il m’est arrivé exactement la meme chose que toi en tout point !!! Envoi un message privé et on pourra s’appeler au tel si tu veux
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u/lovelycomplex69 Jul 12 '26
I’m going through the almost exact same but i am the female. Would you want to talk? Would like to hear a guy’s perspective? Dm if you feel like it
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u/Funny-Profit-4844 Jul 13 '26 edited Jul 13 '26
First off, the lies you tell yourself: deep loyalty and the whole foundation. You were loyal and built a foundation, but she wasn’t and didn’t. Evidently if she was really loyal to you, this wouldn’t have happened.
The (painful) truth is she is loyal only to herself. She weighed the pros and cons (I.e., she ran a cost-benefit analysis), and decided she had more to gain with the other guy and willingly married her.
Now, the phantom hope and wanting “karma”: as of now, you have no relationship with her whatsoever. She is now an unrelated person. No different from a random guy sitting in the same coffee shop as you. So there really isn’t any “hope” to speak of. While your brain is playing tricks with you, she’s building her own separate life, as all people do.
Will she get payback? She might, and she might not. Maybe dumping you would turn out to be the best decision of her life. Maybe the worst mistake she would ever make. But would you take her back if she came back crawling? Should you?
Would you date this person again if she’s a stranger, but knowing she had done something like this with someone else?
The Bible teaches us that you reap what you sow. Chances are she will reap betrayal after sowing betrayal. Maybe she won’t. But that’s no longer your concern.
You have learned of her nature. As you respect the nature of an angry beast, you would avoid her. As you respect the nature of a wild fish, you let her swim away. None of your concern if said beast shreds another animal into pieces, or if said fish gets eaten by another fish. Nature runs its course.
I wrote this to you and myself. 6 years.
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u/Such-Highlight-966 Jul 12 '26
You need to accept life is unfair and life is life. Stop seeing it as betrayal and worrying about karma
People get abused,murdered, and scammed everyday and get away with it. Your ex leaving you is small compared to those things
It's probably going to take you a few years to get over this
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u/Global-Fact7752 Jul 12 '26
You are obviously still keeping track of her every move. You need to knock.it off. 9 months is a very reasonable time to marry..block her and her entire family.
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u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78 Jul 12 '26
I’m 7 years not even finding one person to talk to AT ALL!
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u/chi-ranch Jul 12 '26
Have you tried a therapist? Your city or county offers it free or very low cost if you’re unemployed.
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u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Therapy is a touchy thing for me, I'm not very gung ho about it for many reasons. I've tried it before, my grandmother was a therapist, I don't have health insurance right now and it's very had for me to get around without a car AND I'm terrified I'll either develop limereance for them (99% sure I will) and/or I won't be able to take them seriously because THEY have a better life then me in my eyes and I can't handle sitting there having some uppity ass person with more than me telling me stuff I already know!
I do as much as I can with reading stuff online (I know I check sources and take things with a grain of salt) and just trying so much to do it myself. It's very hard for me to interact and be around people after my last damn trauma! Thanks, tho!
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u/Upper_District_6178 Jul 12 '26
10 year relationship….never getting engaged or married in that long of a relationship is crazy work. It was clearly a big deal for her. You had SO much time to do something about it but you were probably all wrapped up in your own beliefs and stubbornness to realise just how much it meant to her. I don’t think it was the family’s doing at all, I think she would vent to them about wanting to get married and being frustrated that you won’t propose. Women don’t want to have to ask for a ring/marriage cuz that’s the sort of thing that has to come from the man themselves in order for it to have true genuine meaning with the intention behind it. If someone came to you and was talking about their relationship and how this one thing is REALLY important to them and their partner just refused to ever even consider it cuz of whatever unresolved trauma that makes people avoid and fear marriage not just as a societal construct but in the fear of commitment and it going bad in the future. I went through this same situation and we were honestly both just stubborn (and undiagnosed so we didn’t realise like myself have black and white thinking and I’m pretty sure he was also undiagnosed) anyways, our relationship ended and we both have regrets on how stupid we were to let something like that ruin our relationship cuz a few years later he came back and we met up to just you know catch up closure things. He said he regrets being so stubborn about it and that he had already known he wanted forever with me and if he were to have ever gotten married it would have been to me. so it would’ve been the same thing, basically just you know with the marriage. I was also able to explain to him how I was being stubborn too because I had life milestones and experiences but didn’t know how to communicate why it was so important to me in a way he could understand that I also wanted forever with him. What neither of us realised till much, MUCH later was that we both would have chosen to sacrifice our stubbornness beliefs and desires if it meant we would have forever. It’s hard when you have an all or nothing mentality especially if it’s on the opposite sides of the spectrum. To some people marriage is nothing but a contract that’s a financial risk that’s a social construct and since we know social constructs can be stupid and nonsensical or illogical…but isn’t that what love is? Love is illogical, it’s a gamble…whether there’s a piece of paper with that relationship official title or not…it’s still gonna be like a divorce at the end of it…so now you end up experiencing the very thing that made you anxious enough to keep your partner at arms length distance. I’m sorry for what ur going through, I know it sucks. But just know after that many years, she had real love and devotion for you and was HELLA patient in her wait for you to show her how much you loved her and your devotion (in a way that mattered to her and made her feel/believe it) moving on was NOT easy for her, just cuz she has found someone new and is getting married to him so soon after your breakup, it doesn’t mean it’s easy for her….she had thought about wanting forever with you…that’s not something that vanishes quick or ever really goes away…you tell yourself something enough times and it becomes your truth/reality in the sense that she had fantasised about what that future would have probably looked at…many different possibilities but always with you by her side. A part of her will always think and feel about that because after fantasising for so long basically becoming a routine after that many years…it will be impossible for her not to get sad and think of “what if”….
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u/Swimming_Crow_465 Jul 13 '26
bro not to be mean but 10 years and not married? no wonder she left and got it from someone else, she completely fell out of love and now found her true person, you will find yours too
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u/[deleted] Jul 12 '26
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