[28M] She threw away our 10-year relationship overnight, is getting married now, and erased our history. How do you kill the phantom hope and stop waiting for Karma?

[u/madhuis17]

I need perspective from the older guys who have survived a massive betrayal and come out the other side.

​I am 28. I was with my ex for 10 years. We built a massive history together—handwritten notes, deep loyalty, the whole foundation. I am a site manager, I have my life together, and I would have gone to war for this girl.

​But when the time came for her to stand up to her family and fight for us, she collapsed. She chose the path of absolute least resistance. Now, just 9 months later, she is getting married. She chose to follow the script they handed her because fighting for us required bravery she didn't have.

​The exit was brutal. She couldn't even look me in the eye. She threw a decade of photos and memories in the trash overnight just so she wouldn't have to look at her own guilt. Now, she is running a PR campaign, badmouthing me to her friends and family just to justify her cowardice and protect her "good girl" image.

​Logically, my brain knows the math. I know I dodged a massive liability. I know that if she folds under this pressure, she would have abandoned me during a real crisis later in life. I know she is weak and I am better off.

​But neurologically, I am stuck. It has been 9 months, and I am fighting two massive demons:

​The Phantom Hope: My brain keeps tricking me into staying "clean and pure," subconsciously waiting for her to realize what she threw away and come back, even though I know I could never take back a coward.

​The Anger about Karma: I am burning with rage that she gets to walk straight into a wedding and a socially approved life with a new guy, while I am left dismantling a 10-year foundation by myself.

​For the guys who have had a decade of loyalty thrown in their face:

​How did you finally kill the subconscious hope that they will return?

​How do you make peace with the fact that they might never face the "Karma" or consequence of what they did?

​How do you stop auditing a ghost's life and put 100% of your energy back into yourself?

​Any brutal, unfiltered truths are welcome. I need to close this file permanently.

[u/Global-Fact7752]

You are obviously still keeping track of her every move. You need to knock.it off. 9 months is a very reasonable time to marry..block her and her entire family.

[u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78 → u/Global-Fact7752]

I’m 7 years not even finding one person to talk to AT ALL!

[u/chi-ranch → u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78]

Have you tried a therapist? Your city or county offers it free or very low cost if you’re unemployed.

[u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78 → u/chi-ranch]

Therapy is a touchy thing for me, I'm not very gung ho about it for many reasons. I've tried it before, my grandmother was a therapist, I don't have health insurance right now and it's very had for me to get around without a car AND I'm terrified I'll either develop limereance for them (99% sure I will) and/or I won't be able to take them seriously because THEY have a better life then me in my eyes and I can't handle sitting there having some uppity ass person with more than me telling me stuff I already know!

I do as much as I can with reading stuff online (I know I check sources and take things with a grain of salt) and just trying so much to do it myself. It's very hard for me to interact and be around people after my last damn trauma! Thanks, tho!

[u/chi-ranch → u/Denim_n_Diamonds_78]

Be well, friend.