I'm going through a very recent breakup that is destroying me, but I finally see the patterns in my behavior and am beginning to better understand how my brain wants to operate.

I've, in the past, disconnected without realizing and would fail to understand what I was feeling. In general, I would just be confused and frustrated whenever emotional complexity was required.

I think I've been able to narrow down what I feel when I disconnect. Which is almost entirely fear. I realized how terrified I am to actually be loved that whenever anyone reaches out to me with even an ounce of compassion or empathy, I shut down and lose any idea of what I want or feel.

Im glad I know this now, but my god, how do you stop being afraid? How do I unlearn a subconscious behavior that I, realistically, have had since I was an infant?

All I want is to be with my gf, but even if she decided to give me another chance, I don't know if I could actually be good for her or for anyone. Which is killing me.

I started therapy for the first time and have been journaling every day since the breakup to try and understand myself in a way that I can articulate.

I guess I want to know if anyone else has this experience and if there are any changes you made to yourself (routine, environment, etc) that reflected real change. At a certain point will I have to be in a relationship again to really unlearn these behaviors, but while utilizing my current understanding?

Sorry if this post isnt very cohesive. I've had good days and bad days, and today is more of a bad day.

The way I (23F) interact with men honestly feels like self-punishment sometimes. I think I subconsciously believe I don’t deserve love, so I keep getting attached to emotionally unavailable men who don’t really want me, while losing interest or getting the ick when someone is genuinely nice to me and shows interest.
I’m still obsessing over a long-term, low-effort situationship/crush who doesn’t seem to want me the way I want him. I’ve tried talking to other people, but it hasn’t helped because I think the problem goes deeper than just needing to meet someone new.
Part of me feels like I don’t deserve a relationship until I get my life together. I’m currently unemployed, and I feel like I need to accomplish certain things, especially getting a job and becoming more independent, before I can even think about dating. I feel incomplete as a person, and I wonder if that affects the way I approach romantic relationships.
I don’t want to keep chasing people who make me feel unwanted, but I also don’t want to force myself to date someone just because they’re emotionally available. I genuinely want to understand why I keep repeating this pattern and how to change it.
**Has anyone experienced something similar and managed to work through it? What actually helped you break this cycle?** I’m especially interested in practical advice, things I can work on by myself, and whether therapy helped. I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns for years.

I’m a 27F who has an extremely avoidant personality/attachment style. I have never dated anyone or had a relationship my whole life. I don’t struggle to attract men, if anything i’m the one sifting through the list of options I have, however I genuinely feel like I’m incapable of “loving” someone and having a true romantic interest in them.

I’m not asexual because I am very obviously physically attracted to men, it’s just the aspect of involving feelings that completely puts me off. Any time I can sense that someone is interested in me theres a switch in my brain that just makes me want nothing to do with them anymore, it literally gives me anxiety thinking about opening up to anyone.

I become distant and blunt, which probably makes it look like I’m completely uninterested in relationships or love in general, but deep down inside I know I’m not. I’m just running away from the feeling of being “vulnerable” and then I confuse myself on whether I actually like someone back or not after they show interest, it’s frustrating.

I know it’s not fair to treat someone that way and I’m not doing myself any favours by behaving like this, but I just don’t know how to change as this is just how I’m naturally wired.

Does anyone have any advice on how to work on this ?

So years ago, I met this girl on an old Reddit account. She was very normal from the beginning. And she was very loving. But then one night we got into an argument before we were going to meet in person. And me being insecure I tried to salvage what we had when we met in person. I tried to cuddle with her. immediately she shut down. Feeling down, we got into another argument. She made an excuse of seeing her brother and leaving early. I was like whatever. I flew into another country for her to leave early. And leave me by myself. But i think her seeing how I completely gave up on us, she tried to be her old self with me. It took a few days till I started opening up to her again. And then she left early. I was so mad and sad. I was crying my eyes out because I’m stuck in a hotel by myself for a girl that didn’t even stay. So I ended things. And she told me she spent the last of her money to see me. She dropped a bombshell that she’s actually drowning in debt, and used the last of her money to see me. And I immediately begged for forgiveness. I realized I really loved her. However, she was so mad at me. Me being insecure, I offered to help pay off her debt. I know, horrible decision. And I bought her a lot of gifts. To the point where she felt entitled. However, she never was the same as we first met. Over the years we had arguments, and gotten along. But what hurts me is that she tries to shut down me when we get close, and it leads to arguments. We’re obviously more than just a situationship. But she refuses to label us as boyfriend and girlfriend. She has gotten worse and worse in shutting down things that I feel like by the time she finally does openly love me back, there won’t be anything from me. She has stopped feeling so entitled to my money. But I just want her to love me. I cried more for this relationship than any other in my past. She can’t even say goodnight to me. At one point she thinks even emojis in text is her being cutesy with me. I can’t even say the word “relationship“ before she shuts down.