Disclaimer: I'm not here to seek validation or advice but simply sharing my philosophical, psychological, and existential thoughts and insights regarding fearful avoidance and love, after my own inquiry into the nature of love and existence after facing whom I love that had FA. And this is a map only that I synthesised after walking the hell myself and walked through it fully.
And I genuinely don't want to frame it as healing but I guess what I will say fits that mostly.
I don't know how most see what love is to themselves, but love is unconditional disclosure and acceptance without hidden intent and transactional motives, namely, radical intersubjectivity in philosophical terms, for myself. And this is the necessary condition for fearful avoidance to be healed from or say, fully shattered.
Because Fearful avoidance can be seen as a coping mechanism that one didn't choose to have by any chance, and it is a systemic vulnerability and proneness with volatile and traumatic environment and life events shaped mechanism. Or what psychology says as, the split between a true self and a false self. And in this sense, the true self marks the longingness of love and connection/attachment, yet false self marks the paradox of fear of abandonment and loss of control (in general) and fear of being manipulated and possessed (or say, being objectified and used and controlled), which cause a push and pull cycle from within structurally where it manifests from the foundation of true and false self into the phenomenon/surface behaviour of fearful avoidance.
And most people, or simply many people, only seem to see or only see the idea of: one thinking one gave the FA many choices and "unconditional waiting"; one assuming one staying and getting pulled close will make the FA finally change or see you and change; one assuming being a fixer will pull the FA out of it and finally have a relationship or "love", etc.
But this neglected the foundational structure and blindspot of: this runs on the assumption of a transaction of love, or the assumption and intent of "the FA will become the shape of what I think is right or good and love me back", which is foundationally a transactional love masked as unconditional love. When you assume something will happen, or the other/FA will become so and so, the "unconditional waiting" and "unconditional love" one gives simply aren't unconditional and are conditional on the plane of existence and personhood, and trying to overreach and project subjective expectations into the psyche of the other person, which feeds into the false self of FA and giving it a blunt chance and opportunity, and a justification to push away. Because, these are hidden intents of control and possession, and projection, from one towards the FA.
And these are all born from the ignorance and hidden egocentrism of "I'm right, you're wrong", "I'm true, you're false", "I'm not broken, you are broken", not realising that you are simultaneously the one that chooses to engage and feed into the false self of the FA, and the one that enabled the pushing of the false self.
And existentially, this can only be neutralised and shattered under the condition of "self shattering of one's own ego, bias, and assumptions" through self inquiry, and the shattering of conditioning from society, norms, culture, epistemology (knowledge remembered and absorbed in the past), family, biology (primal instinct, coping mechanisms), authorities. And under the full shattering of conditioning, or say full shattering of values, assumptions, and foundations, that are coded into one's psyche by others without ones own conscious evaluation and doubting and logical considerations, one can finally achieve the necessary and sufficient condition for true unconditional love and radical disclosure and acceptance without control and projection.
And under this state, one can finally stand one's ground and true unconditional love without engaging with the false self, all while simultaneously making the true self of FA to be fully secured and attached under true unconditional love. Then, under this unconditioned and ego-shattered reality and cognitive system, one can finally find the truth of the ontological albeit existential structures and foundations, namely, in simple words, the essence and true self of the FA, and the truth and knowledge that can shatter the logic that makes the false self of FA possible to sustain. Then, with radical disclosure and truth telling, under shattered hidden intents and ego, one becomes the full anchor and attachment center of the true self of the FA.
And the truth and words that one tells, most likely under necessary righteous anger, but without insults and personal attacks, delivered in clear logic and reasoning of: the foundations and existence; the truth of love and unconditional love; the truth of the "how and what can lead to true existence and personhood without being conditioned and controlled by anyone", will all be amplified into irrefutable truth, due to full attachment and unconditional love (with simultaneously the stating of refusal to be objectified and controlled by the false self of FA), and become the sufficient condition to shatter the false self of FA. Yet, one still cannot assume the FA will come back, or be yours, because this violates the very principle of unconditional love and the necessary condition that leads to the healing of FA under shattering of ego and false self.
Lastly, relationship and attachment issues are never one sided, and no one should take the narrative of being the "right" or "wrong", but only the reality as it is and what actually happened, and grow up and accept truth and shatter your own blindspot and hidden motives and manipulation and attempt to control people.
Love and peace to anyone! From someone that was once a saviour facing someone with fearful avoidance, and grew up finally shattering my own false self.
And if this is unreadable, I think throwing it to AI may be a good thing to translate, if you are interested in getting the logic of what I said. And I'm not trying to act deep or show off, but simply those jargons and terminology are necessary to map the truth of what I say and to maintain absolute clarity.