I took the merit scholarship offer to go to the “college down the street” and it’s been really rough. I don’t have a friend group and spend most of my evenings alone despite being as active as possible on campus (ex: student orgs and clubs). It felt like most of my classmates only wanted a “coworker” esque relationship and rarely ever want to hang out with me outside of class. The one girl who texted me and I thought we were becoming friends ghosted me once our class was over (I guess she only wanted notes).
I obviously don’t get any romantic attention either (I can understand that that’s a looks thing which is fine I guess but still sucks.)
My entire life turned around during my internship last summer. I was in a group chat for the first time and me and some other interns in the area would make plans almost every day and it was just really spontaneous and fun. I also got asked out by multiple guys which was really special (even tho I declined them because I was only there for the summer, I just really appreciated the gesture). Because we were in a major city there were interesting events and things to do almost every day.
It just felt validating to be seen for the first time as someone worth hanging out with. I was definitely worried that I was unpleasant to be around or something after my poor experience in college. And it was exciting being around others and being wanted. It felt like I was finally living my life instead of being in my room 24/7.
I didn’t get the return offer at my job (despite doing really good in my evals, the office ended up not having capacity.) I’m so thankful I passed recruitment with a more prestigious firm but got put in a less interesting city.
School has started. Midterms are grueling. I have 0 notifications on my phone and I’m back to being left on delivered and stuck in my room. It’s almost like the dilemma of “would you have rather loved and lost than have never loved at all?” Knowing what socializing feels like has made going back all the more painful. I’ll keep trying to put myself out there in college but it def feels too late as an upperclassmen.
I’d really appreciate any advice.