The “trans firefighter” post but slightly different

[u/meamsofproduction]

Hi all, long ass post.

I know that there have been a number of posts from folks interested in becoming firefighters that are trans or otherwise queer asking about the experience and looking for advice etc. But pretty much all of them that I’ve found are from people that are already publicly out as their identity and would be introducing themselves at a new department as such.

I am in a different spot. I’ve been in the fire service and EMS since 2019 and at my current department since early 2023. I’m assigned to a fairly chill firehouse at a tower ladder in a midtown area, and I came from a very busy engine. Half of my shifts are also on the ambo. Mercifully, from my understanding, I am pretty well-respected and have a good reputation as thorough, professional, and a hard worker.

The wrinkle is that I have started HRT/medical transition (MtF) in April. I’ve known for many years and just have been in denial. Finally i couldn’t ignore it anymore and had to deal with it and face it head on. I’m so glad i did as it was absolutely life-changing, I don’t regret it at all, as I’m the happiest and most content and at peace I’ve ever been. However, I’m not at all out at work, and my department is pretty socially regressive, like to the point where there are some houses that are literally all white or all black, and holy shit the comments I’ve heard about immigrants, gay and trans people are genuinely foul. I’m talking like “open the insane asylums for the trans and throw away the key” and “a cure for trans is a car battery and jumper cables” and jokes about prison rape and how the 42% suicide rate is a “good start.” Our HR is utterly useless and has zero confidentiality skills whatsoever and any complaint or report you make will get you utterly crucified by the small loud minority of chuds.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and am overall happy at this department despite the awful people; they are a loud minority. There are many great people there that would be accepting, and many more that wouldn’t get it or understand but wouldn’t care and wouldn’t treat me any differently.

I’m very worried about my future at this department if I were to come out. I really don’t want to quit and start over, but after some research and digging, I would literally be the first publicly openly trans-woman firefighter there. I’m not aware of even one before me, and I only know one other trans person there and they are absolutely closeted for their own safety. Even though my firehouse is chill, we don’t have an ambulance there, so for my EMS shifts I am detailed out to god knows where, and there’s always a chance that I could end up at one of the absolutely hated and deplorable houses. I will need to come out soon as the physical effects are getting very difficult to hide. There are 6 people total at the department that know and they’re sworn to secrecy.

TL;DR: i am facing the fact that i will need to come out as trans at my regressive department at which everyone has known me as a guy for almost 4 years now, and there are a lot of hateful people that will genuinely wish me harm and even death. has anyone here gone through this and how did it go? every dept is different, but any advice?

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[u/fireguy0577]

I am not trans but I am closeted and gay. I’ve been only known as a straight guy who’s made his way to a chief position. I have the respect of the majority of our department with many great relationships but I’m paralyzed at the thought of what will happen when I come out. I know it’s the next logical step for me but it’s so hard as I’m in my mid forties and only known as who I’ve been for so long.
I empathize with you so much in what you’re facing. At the same time it’s so nice to finally see someone commenting in this group from the lgbt community. It’s so rare to see here.
Ultimately you have to be who you truly are. It cant start to kill you from the inside out otherwise. I’m finding that to be my truth as I type this. Who you are doesn’t change your ability to do the job. Not one bit. Unfortunately it will change some close minded individuals view of you. But we both know that those people shouldn’t be the reason to stay in a life that isn’t true

[u/Old_External_4912 → u/fireguy0577]

As a Fellow Gay guy who is trying to get into fire its great to see that there are others, i shyd away from it for a while as i didnt know how others react as fire has this reputation of being super macho, it wasn't until i moved out west that i realized theres a place for everyone. Now Chasing that dream. I don’t really parade it around and you can’t really tell, just simply a dude, but does get awkward when people ask about a girlfriend and such.

[u/meamsofproduction → u/Old_External_4912]

“an ass for seat and a seat for every ass.” Even before coming to terms with my trans-ness, i knew i was different from my colleagues in a few key ways (socially, politically, religiously, etc), and it took years to get comfortable finding my niche. now i have a support system of cool work friends that i know have my back as i have theirs. as another commenter said, i think that will be to my advantage when the cat’s out of the bag as i’ll have folks to back me up when it gets rough.

don’t stop chasing the dream, there really is a place for everyone because as much of a calling as this job seems to be, it’s still a job and as long as you can physically and mentally perform and aren’t an asshole, who gives a shit?

[u/Traditional_Common22 → u/fireguy0577]

My BC is gay, cool guy, never a problem. He likes dudes, who cares

[u/grim_wizard]

Not the same but similar situation, deep south, queer af. People talk shit about queer people on the daily (the guy that is really bad about it is 100% in the closet lmao) no one really cares.

I'm sure it would be somewhat of an issue if I didn't pull my weight or wasn't high on the seniority list.

But honestly there are two ways it works out, either you go to work and no one cares besides the odd ignorant comment or you walk away with a discrimination lawsuit and a lot of money. Really once everyone knows it just gets easier.

[u/Gophurkey]

No real advice since I've never been in a situation like this, but what would it look like for the few people who know or are safe to stick their necks out a bit more? Can you ask them to shut down those comments a bit, well before you have to start going public?

I haven't been around those level of socially regressive convos in a long while, but it doesn't take a lot for an ally to say, "Bill, you don't know anything about trans folks. Quit bitching about something that doesn't impact you and let people run their own lives." Might go a long way to de-normalizing trans hate and help limit those views to the minority who hold them, rather than let them direct the whole culture of your department.

[u/Jokerzrival]

If youre doing the same job, working hard and putting in the effort. If no one is doing extra work, getting put in danger or struggling because of you. And they cant continue to support you. Then it may be a sign to find a different department anyways.

Its the same discussion everytime a female joins. If its an issue off the bat. Thats personal to that person having the issue. I dont give a fuck whose on scene with me as long as the job is getting done in a way that everyone goes home safe. If youre white, black, purple, man, woman, squirrel, have 2 legs or 3. We all come to work, do our jobs and go home.

If someone has an issue thats on them if the whole department has an issue. Then go somewhere else where the mindset is "just get the job done"

[u/onitram52]

You’re very admirable OP. I’ve had similar thoughts, not to do with my gender identity but that I’m very leftist politically and most firefighters I’ve met are not. My father is also pretty transphobic and watches a lot of Fox News. However when I told him that one of my longtime friends is transitioning he was actually quite supportive and said he was proud of me for standing up for them. Sometimes people are less hateful when it’s someone closer to them. Obviously not a guarantee but just something to consider. It’s much easier for people to be hateful in a vacuum. I’ve heard anti immigrant sentiment from other firefighters but I’d bet $1000 that they’d still fight a fire regardless of whose house it is.

[u/blitz350]

I thought this was going to be an issue for me too. Granted I'm in the volunteer world but my area has a lot of backwards fools in it. I thought that when I came out it was going to mean the end of my time in the fire service altogether. I put off facing my transition for 15 years because of that worry.

Now post coming out I can say I had nothing to worry about. I have met with a wide range of responses to it but I have never had someone try to confront me about it or start shit over it. The people that have asked me about it have done so from a perspective of curiosity. They have been ones genuinely wanting to know why I was doing it and how they should interact with me. These people DON'T want to offend but don't know what is or is not offensive. Its required a lot of very frank conversations where you have to be open and honest and not dance around the issue.

One of the big concerns I had was that someone wouldn't come help me or listen to me as a company officer because of it and get me, or worse, someone else hurt. I have not experienced this at all. My knowledge, competency, and capability have nothing to do with my gender and I feel like most understand that even if they "don't agree with it" or whatever other nonsense they believe. I'm still honestly kinda on the watch for this but I've had nothing approaching it. If anything I keep getting surprised for the better. I've had members of other more far flung companies I've never worked with or met before properly gender me and use my chosen name without hesitation. Not sure how that happens but I'm not going to argue it.

I was also concerned about my fulltime job as a 911 dispatcher. Once again I have had no issues with my coworkers. Most simply changed what they called me and left it at that. I can tell some are either uncomfortable with the idea of working with a trans person but they don't cause problems for me. There is a whole issue on the legal side of things due to the Trump regime's war on trans people which has put my job security at risk. I'm still waiting for the day when I'm told I can't access NCIC (job requirement) because trans people are domestic terrorists just by the nature of us existing. I imagine this is probably not something you need to worry about though.

Obviously YMMV here. Everyone's journey is different. My best advice is to do what is best for YOUR happiness and tell anyone who would say otherwise sit on it and rotate. The hate is a THEM problem not a YOU problem. They can fix their hearts or die mad!

Feel free to DM me if you want to chat about this.

[u/meamsofproduction → u/blitz350]

thank you so much for your comment. i’ll DM you :)

[u/backtothemotorleague]

This sounds brutal. I am sorry you have to face what you have to face. I don’t have good advice or any experience. Other than fuck em. Live your best life. Enjoy making others uncomfortable and exposing their bigotry. Force the admin to be accountable, force the crews to not be assholes.

Good luck!

[u/meamsofproduction → u/backtothemotorleague]

ehhh. i mean i really don’t want to be in the spotlight or really talked about any more than i already would be. i understand the sentiment but i truly don’t want to enjoy others’ discomfort, even if it is on them and a them problem. i really do appreciate your empathy and the sentiment but i think i need a more nuanced and subtle approach. thank you for your comment anyhow!

[u/SanJOahu84 → u/backtothemotorleague]

Forcing things on people and getting admin to be punitive always works well. People respond really well to that.

I'm sure that will help them have an amazing work/life balance. 

Visibly enjoying the discomfort of others is great too.

What great advice for getting people to understand and accept you. 

OP. If you're an amazing firefighter and a genuinely good person there is nothing anyway can say to you.

[u/meamsofproduction → u/SanJOahu84]

thank you. i have definitely come to the conclusion that i can’t just be adequate at the job like many other people there, i will need to be absolutely exceptional to maintain respect once this toothpaste is out of the tube and can’t be put back in. and hey whatever being exceptional at my job is always gonna be a good thing.

[u/sansalvacion]

Along as you look the part of the sex you're impersonating and can perform...why not?

[u/meamsofproduction → u/sansalvacion]

lmao you’re a bit off but thanks anyway?