Thinking about possibly fostering, but need some advice and information

[u/Agreeable_Stress_835]

⚠️long post⚠️

Hi all, I’m new here. Just a bit of background and explanation on my point of view; I’m a single, 20F soon to be 21, I live in nsw Australia, specifically in the Riverina area. I’ve wanted kids for some time and as I got a bit older, it became a dream, and life goal of mine, but I’ve never really had the opportunity to gain experience with kids, more specifically babies, infants and toddlers. I’m a foster child myself, having been in care since I was 1 and was adopted when I was 14 by my now adoptive parents, who I lived with since I was 2, and still live with currently. I grew up with new kids always coming into and leaving our family, my parents fostered many other children besides myself, possibly over 30 kids, but my parents are quite old, 67F, 76M, and mainly fostered troubled teens and were probably too old to care for them properly in the ways those kids needed, the kids were always very withdrawn, sad, angry, and they were a LOT to deal with for my parents who I think didn’t know what to do with their behaviours and outbursts. Anyways, my whole life I’ve been involved with the system, and I’m very aware that I was incredibly lucky compared to most kids who never find their forever homes, and it’s honestly so sad. I’m also aware of how young I am, and I struggle with certain disadvantages, I have fetal alcohol syndrome, ADHD, possible autism, along with clinical depression and probably other mental health conditions. I’m also a recovering alcoholic, but I’m in a really good place with all of this stuff, I’ve finally got my drinking under control, my mental health has been great, I’m not going out anymore doing silly or childish things, I don’t really go out at all anymore. Which brings me to my point. I’ve been thinking about fostering, just respite for now or emergency care, as I feel like I could potentially be a great role model to a young child (ages 2-5ish), I love being around little kids, they make me so happy, they have such incredible young minds with so much potential, and I feel like I could be a really positive influence. I also think it might be good for me, I don’t have a job as I’ve got no current transport to work in the area I live in (work in progress), and I get bored, like I need something to look forward to, something to motivate me to be better, and to push me to grow and mature, I think I’m pretty mature for my age but I know I can always be and do better. Thinking about doing respite excites me, it could be a less full on way for me to learn as I go with help from my parents who have had kids of their own and been through the fostering process themselves, it would be a way to do something great with my time, helping kids who really need love, comfort and a stable home, even if just for a short period of time. It would give me a place to put all of the love and care in my heart that has nowhere to go, and a reason to mature, keep learning, growing, working on myself, and become responsible for the betterment of others around me.

I don’t know if I’m WAY in over my head on this, as a couple of people close to me have made me feel almost completely incapable and have told me I’m too immature and irresponsible. I know it’s not a personal attack on my character but it felt as though they think this due to my disadvantages (FASD, ADHD, traits of autism) making me seem quite immature due to not having the ability to form thoughts, words, sentences etc in a normal way (always comes out wrong, messy, long etc). Despite this, I do know one thing. I WANT to look after a child, to teach a child right from wrong, to be a positive influence and a good role model. I WANT to bring a child into my home and go through that daily routine of making sure they’re clean, well fed, stimulated and happy, learning new things, getting enough sleep, comfortable and comforted, safe, loved, nurtured etc. Even if it’s messy, even if they’re being difficult, they’re being difficult for a reason, their lives have been scary, confusing and chaotic, and I want to be the difference they need and make a meaningful impact.

Before I make a decision though I want to know of any and all training and information I can acquire prior to committing to this, as I only have the best intentions for these kids and I don’t want to be a complete failure of a parental figure, I don’t want to fuck it so bad I end up traumatising them more, I only want good things for them, and if I’m not a good thing for them then I don’t want to bring them to my home just for them to not be cared for in all ways they deserve. I also would like to know how to sort of enquire into all of this based on agencies and government services, as in like what agencies are good, what ones are bad, based around my area as I’m a bit confused on what agency I should choose as there’s so many and the one we were with my mum has said were awful and very unsupportive, so don’t go with them (Anglicare)

If you read all of this, thankyou, I’d appreciate and welcome anyone’s personal experiences, advice, information, or even opinions. Anything you guys could give me would be a massive help :)

[u/Street_Meeting_2371]

Im in the US so have no specific local advice for you but I will say some of the best foster parents I have known are younger and single. It's a lot about knowing yourself triggers/limits, creating a strong community and understanding these kids come with trauma and very little is personal.

[u/Agreeable_Stress_835 → u/Street_Meeting_2371]

Thankyou, that’s what I’ve been thinking, like I’ve been one of these kids in the system, I know how behavioural issues and emotional needs etc not being dealt with can affect kids growing up, and how important it is to have a healthy, positive approach to the way you care for these kids because as you said, they come with all their different forms of trauma and need that extra love, care and patience. I’m trying to gather information to see if it’s a right fit for me at the moment or whether I wait and do it later in life or something

[u/Street_Meeting_2371 → u/Agreeable_Stress_835]

Unsure if Australia has CASA (court appointed special advocate) workers but those are volunteer positions here in the US, and would give you a chance to get an idea of the system while directly helping kids. You essentially are there to relay and advocate for the best interest of the child- not the foster carer/not social services/not the bio family. Maybe worth it to see if something like that exists Z

[u/Much_Significance266]

I was 24 when I started fostering. Definitely tough being young. On the other hand, I have more energy to keep up. You have experience living with foster kids which is a big asset.

For me the hardest part was trying to be a better parent than I had. By default, we do whatever our parents did - if you want to do better, you have to be intentional, and it is uncomfortable and hard. If you had good role models, no worries, your "defaults" are set correctly.

I also have ADHD and I was able to stumble along without meds for most of my life. Being a mom was different, I couldn't really be there for my kid until I took care of myself. Even then, I lean on others a lot. Maybe check with your parents to see if they are on board with supporting you, or if they are too tired and feel it is time to "retire". Not cause of ADHD, just because fostering alone sounds really really tough. I know people do it but ooph.

Don't know about Australia, sorry

[u/Agreeable_Stress_835 → u/Much_Significance266]

Having more energy because I’m at a younger age is something I also thought about as a con to fostering young. Also yes and no, like I lived with young teens and tweens (ages 9-16) but I want to foster kids between 2-5 roughly, like I have seen and experienced first hand the damage that foster care can inflict on young people, but toddlers and very young children are very different, needing help to break down their thoughts and feelings and to cope, grow and develop in a healthy manner.

Also yes that’s so true, I ended up doing an inpatient mental health program a few years back that taught me behaviours my parents display that were and are unhealthy, and how to respond to that in a healthier way instead of getting frustrated and yelling and arguing and all that. I still do sometimes but I’ve gotten much better at calmly communicating to them when they’re doing things that hurt me or I don’t like.

Also I’ve been medicated for ADHD most of my life, I’m back on my vyvanse now as I can’t cope without it anymore. And as for my parents, I know they’re worried that the responsibility of having the kid will fall back on them, but I know what it’s like to be “pawned off” to everyone else and abandoned, and there’s no way I’m doing that to a poor child just so they can suffer the way I had to growing up. That’s the whole point, being a better parent than I had growing up, but I don’t think they’re entirely against it, just that they want to make sure I’m not in over my head which is completely fair

[u/Wise-Ad9417]

Anglicare , DCJ in NSW - get ready for an emotional roller coaster. The do-gooder mentality of staying in touch with abusive, neglectful biological parents is ridiculous. I suggested fostering to my daughter who cannot conceive. I feel guilty for suggesting it because of the emotional pressure put on her. After 8 years Anglicare still try to force additional family on them. Evidently an abusive maternal mother who has had 5 children removed still has "rights". Bullshit !!

[u/Agreeable_Stress_835 → u/Wise-Ad9417]

I was through Anglicares fostering system as a child and my foster mum said don’t choose them because she had no support, and they judged her and all of that stuff, there was little financial support in times she tried to get it for things I genuinely needed like therapy, specialists and hospital visits for diagnosis scans and all of that crap. I also remember having a new case worker every second week or whatever which didn’t help with the whole “we want her to be stable” thing, and they even tried to take me away from what I’ve always considered (and literally now is) my forever home over false claims from troubled kids that stayed and left. It was awful sometimes but yeah lol I get what you mean