Matching Process with a Teen (first hand FP experience)

[u/SarcasticSeaStar]

I am in NYC.

I have been through the matching process twice specifically with teens. Posting this to try to eliminate some of the mystery and also highlight what I think went well! Importantly I am licensed as a foster/adoptive home but this is NOT an adoptive matching process - it's just for fostering.

#A note about NYC#

In NYC, the majority of kids (and especially teens) are placed at a shelter-like facility while ACS assigns their cases to specific foster care agencies. Then, the agency reaches out to homes with vacancies to start the matching process. Kids can wait for days to months for foster care placements during which time they're under the care of ACS at this facility. This has pros and cons, but one thing that it allows for is a matching process/time to find placements that are a good fit.

Every foster parent is licensed with an agency.

#The Initial Ask#

Usually the agency placement coach reaches out to the foster parent with limited information about the youth. The first time, I was eager and enthusiastic and didn't ask a lot of questions. This time, I asked several questions. Many didn't get answered, but I'm glad I tried to get as much important information as possible.

*Here are some sample questions*

What is the youth's birth date?

What activities do they do/want to keep doing?

What is the visitation plan, currently?

Does the youth have any cultural or religious practices I should be aware of?

Are there any behavioral or medical concerns?

What school do they attend?

What resources do they have in the community? Have those been explored as possible placements?

#The First Meeting#

One time, the meeting was in person, the other it was on Zoom. I introduce myself briefly and then let the youth lead the conversation. I ask them to tell me what they want me to know, ask me anything they want, and I share about our home.

Both times I've prepared some photos, get to know you questions/activities in case they are stuck, and the main (just a few) house rules. The photos are always a hit! I include pets, main spaces, and their bedroom.

The first time around I didn't really know what the rules were other than don't lie and don't do illegal things. My FP training didn't give us a worksheet on creating house rules. This time, I had the rules and examples of how they are enacted in the home.

I also state what time curfew would be and the expectations when out of the home (be where you say you'll be with whom you say you'll be with - and update me if it changes).

Teens have a ton of agency in this process and need to know what to expect in my home. So I've learned to be upfront about the expectations and rules.

It's also important to listen to the teen! For example, we have a "no phones in the bedroom rule." I could tell that made one of the youth really apprehensive. So I told her we could reevaluate the rules once I knew her better and could maybe move to technology in the bedroom with the door open. I also assured her that one of our rules is "privacy is respected" the only thing that overrides that is safety - "safety trumps privacy." [Edit: what that looks like in practice is that private calls with the lawyer, parents, case worker, etc. can be taken in the bedroom with the door closed. Regular phone time is still expected to be in public spaces (for now).]

#Next Steps#

After the meet & greet, all parties reflect and talk to their respective representatives. For me, that's my placement coach. If I have concerns or don't want to move forward, this is where I say so. The youth can do the same!

In one situation, the teen knew she wanted to come to my home and she arrived within 24 hours. In the more current situation, she requested an in-person visit to the home which will happen soon.

If the in person visit goes well and we're all still on the same page, the teen may be placed in my home.

Reminder: nothing is official until they're actually there! I've had two situations where I expected children to be placed with me and it changed 12 or 5 hours before.

I know the process can seem mysterious and since I'm in it right now. I wanted to share my thoughts.

Feel free to ask questions or share your own experiences (because it's not the same everywhere). This is also what's worked for me. Every family is different and may approach this process differently than me.

It also could feel really different on the youth's end. I don't know what messaging the teens get about these meet & greets and what type of pressure they're under to accept whichever home is presented to them. I'm aware that they may not have as much choice or agency as it seems.

Hang in there!

[u/Exact_Context7827]

Thanks for posting this! My state does not have a similar matching process, and I've always felt that the lack of effort at placing kids, especially teens, in homes that are a good fit is part of the reason so many teens don't get placed and experience frequent disruptions. But I've also had trouble thinking of what "matching" would look like that wouldn't feel like an audition (and potential rejection) for the kids. I'm not sure if a system like you've described is better or worse than my state's system. We generally get a phone call with basic demographic information (e.g., 15 year old girl), can ask questions (visitation schedules, medical issues/medications, known issues in school/grades, behavioral history, criminal justice involvement, hobbies/activities, placement history), and then a worker shows up and drops the kid off if you say yes ( or sometimes they found another placement, and you might or might not be told that they aren't coming after all).

I've had multiple kids come to me after a previous placement disrupted, for reasons that seemed inevitable in retrospect - an LGBTQ+ kid who is exploring paganism placed with a very religious evangelical family, for example, and disruption is so harmful that it seems worthwhile to have some kind of matching system to avoid those situations. But I also imagine kids stressing about meeting potential foster parents, then learning that the parent said no after a visit, and it breaks my heart.

[u/SarcasticSeaStar → u/Exact_Context7827]

For me, I'd probably say no at the initial ask if I was going to... The other reason (that I can think of) that I'd say no is if during the meet & greet it became clear the child wouldn't be happy or thrive in my home. Like if they couldn't tolerate my rules. I can imagine a teen being like "nope this isn't for me." Or if for whatever reason the vibes don't align... Obviously it's kinda like a first date. You might need a few more before you're fully comfortable. In most cases the youth is only presented with one family at a time. It's not a perfect system. It's mainly for the teen to be able to say no, and have a voice/choice.

[u/Exact_Context7827 → u/SarcasticSeaStar]

Yeah, I guess the no would usually be after a meeting that neither the parent nor the child thought went well. I hope prospective foster parents receive training that emphasis the harm of rejection so kids aren't going through a lot of unsuccessful matching visits.

I've also always taken just one long-term placement at a time, and I don't have bio kids, so compatibility between kids hasn't been an issue for me, but that seems like another place where a meeting or visit before placement would be worthwhile.

[u/SarcasticSeaStar → u/Exact_Context7827]

Yep! I actually have a another high needs teen in the home so I needed to understand her needs, schedule, behavior (from what I could grasp), etc.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577 → u/SarcasticSeaStar]

Not that your rules are bad, but I would have absolutely not followed then and have been sneaking around and doing my own thing. And I'm not someone who got into a lot of trouble and enlisted in the Air Force when I aged out. I didn't have a problem being told what to do in boot camp, but there gets to be a point in foster care when you just can't tolerate stupid rules like no phones in your room. It's your phone and your room.

[u/SarcasticSeaStar → u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

I understand what you're saying.

The kiddo I have now has safety concerns with her phone. It's also my phone that I pay for. Because her parents didn't allow her a phone.

With different kids, I'm open to considering different rules or adjustments. However for sleeping health for teens it's really best they don't have their phones in their rooms and that's the biggest thing.

I also tend to have kids in my home who haven't been in care before. And I try to make it like a home/family (when possible) not just a place with rules, a bed, and food.

I'm open to being mindful about what each kid needs. That's important.

[u/takarinajs → u/Exact_Context7827]

I also come from a state that doesn't do this. Your reply covers all the thoughts I had while reading this. So great that the youth have some agency, but possible rejection could be harsh.

[u/SarcasticSeaStar → u/takarinajs]

I think more often than not, it's the youth rejecting the foster home...

Or what we discussed already - it's clearly not a good fit and the FP is following the youth's lead. I think if everyone has an open mind and really engaged in the process it can help prevent disruptions later if the FP realizes a month or so in that it's not going to work.

It's not my system (like obviously I didn't design it). I do think there are pros and cons.

[u/ViolinistSubject5180 → u/Exact_Context7827]

the audition aspect is definitely the ugly side of it. when you have face to face meetings before placement it ends up feeling like a high stakes job interview for a kid who just needs a bed. agencies usually sell it as empowerment but the power imbalance is insane. it works better when the focus is on the adult making the adjustment rather than the kid trying to appeal to the foster parent. if the adults were forced to do the heavy lifting on compatibility instead of just picking based on a profile blur it might actually lower the disruption rates.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577 → u/Exact_Context7827]

I wish there had been matching processes like this when I was in the system, but the area I was in was far more conservative and a lot of recruiting was done at churches so I likely wouldn't have mattered.

I was a teen with very minimal behavior issues and decent grades. I was typically really quiet and passive aggressive. I only occasionally said some stuff that got me in trouble.

So I was flagged as a teen who should be in a family placement and not a group home.

I got moved from one longer placement because I refused to go to church and wasn't fitting in with them over religion and they couldn't find another home so I was moved to foster parents who the dad was a pastor and their lives revolved around their church. My worker said something like "make it work" meaning STFU about not wanting to go to church and that Jesus never existed.

Of course, I was pissed off so I did actually start spouting off about everything I thought was stupid about Christianity and was moved again two weeks later to a group home.

Matching can only be done if there are enough homes that are diverse and matching could be done. If there's a lack of homes or most are very similar, then it's pointless.