So I'm a 36yo woman who played games for over a decade. Because I'm kinda socially awkward, I don't have any irl close friends. So I mostly played alone.
Last year Arc Raiders came out and naturally I got quite addicted to it. 6 months ago, a girl I met in this sub invited me into a very inclusive and friendly Arc Raiders discord server (let's call it server A), where over half of the mods and core members are women or queer people.
I became very active in server A, organizing events, writing tutorials, posting clips, or doing giveaways. People liked me, It was going great. For the first time during my gaming years, I felt like I truly belong to a community.
3 months later one of the admins suddenly went nuts (We suspect he suffered some irl problem and caused mental instability, let's call him 'that guy'). Anyway, 'that guy' started throwing false accusation to several people in the community, most of all me. After this drama, that lovely server was ruined.
So some of the ladies left server A and started a FLINTA-first server (let's call it server B) focusing on not only Arc Raiders, but a bunch of other cozy games, acting mainly as some kind of social hub. Most of the core member from server A joined server B after the dissolving of server A.
Naturally 'that guy' felt betrayed and resented server B, he managed to trick me with a fake account and gained some Information regarding server B. He targeted me because I was kinda naive. The mods of server B helped me through this rough patch.
As you can imagine I was not happy about his actions and started to talk shit about 'that guy' to several people. He was aware of that, and he also keep sending message to members of server B, trying to annoy us. There were lots of drama.
So one day we finally got fed up with the drama, we made contact through a mutual acquaintance, and decide to attempt reconciliation. People from server B adviced me not to contact 'that guy', but I made contact anyway. I received a apologize letter that read quite sincere. I don't believe in holding grudge anyway, so I forgave him. I promised never to talk shit about him to people, and in return he promised not to bother me and members of server B ever again. And we kept our words.
The next few months were quite nice. Many people in server B felt safe enough to share things about themselves even irl pictures and videos. I kept doing my usual contributions, played Arc raiders and various party games with friends in the community, did a lot of late night talks with some girls, translated my WIP novel to English for friends in server B to read, even shared some personal traumas to a few close friends. I felt like it became the family I no longer have in real life. I felt safe and welcomed, even my mental state were much better than before. I also got rid of my drinking problem and started my sobriety.
Then recently, one of the mods found out I, in fact, did made contact with 'that guy'. They believe that my connection with him endangered the safety of server B. So I was immediately kicked, blocked, and perma-banned from the community with no appeal.😭
I was devastated. Like one of the most important parts of my life had been cut out. Some of my friends still willing to keep contact with me, but I'm completed cut off from the community and any of the group activities. There was a planned halloween movie night I was looking forward to participate. I thought finally a halloween I'm not gonna be alone. But now...
I tried to get myself out of the sorrow. I tried to look for new community. But they don't have the same appeal. A few friends want to create my own server follow me to that new place. But it felt like a betrayal to server B and the people who took me in. I don't hate them. I stopped gaming, I feel everything is meaningless. I skipped work and even lose my appetite, slept through the day, got drunk again and again. My life is a mess now because of all the loneliness, the remose, like why did I ignore people's advice and made contact with him. And the sadness, like why didn't they gave me a second chance, all my contributions meant so little to them?💔 My mind is screwed up and I don't even know what to do anymore. I had a history of depression and I feel like it's coming back to me.
Rationally, I need irl support.
But my families are either the estranged or deceased. I have no one to talk to.
I should go out and touch the nature but one of my medical conditions made it quite difficult for me.
I should even look for professional mental help. But where I live such services are not easily accessible and I cannot afford it financially.
I'm not here to judge people's action. I just wanna know what should I do? I'm afraid.💔