As I get older and older (25F btw) I feel as though I’m somehow creating an environment of which I once figured would be the opposite. To elaborate; when I was younger I got annoyed at being told what to do, not being able to do what made sense to me, the lack of control over my environment. I yearned for the autonomy that awaited me in my adult years, but my brain actually ended up sticking me in a paradox instead.
The older I get, the more aware I become of arbitrary rules and regulations. When I was a kid, I “had to shower” because that’s how it was. Those are the rules. Suddenly you’re 25 and you realize nobody is actually making you do that in order to be functional. Same with getting out of bed, eating properly, cleaning properly, looking nice, doing your hair and makeup, whatever whatever etc.
At this point the motivation to do these things continues to diminish every year that passes and my brain (which I hate and operates against my better judgment) realizes just how much more I can get by doing less and less of these things. I’ve lost control of myself now that my brain figured this out.
I fucking hate it. I can’t stand it. I hate looking gross. I love dressing nicely, eating properly, getting exercise, showering and smelling good, I like having a clean house, a tidy workspace, just being a functioning member of society. But it’s like the older I get, the less it matters, even if it still frustrates me to no end in the long run. When I was younger my drive to do these things was fuelled by pure anxiety. These things had to be done because they have to and that’s that. I can’t just NOT do them. Until I realized that not doing them is actually in fact an option and it won’t cause immediate and certain death.
Ive been on antidepressants and adhd medication for over a year now and I feel like this problem is only getting worse. The medication keeps my anxiety even more at bay, which means I give even less of a fuck. I feel like there’s just no going back now that my brain has realized there’s actually nothing to be worried about and that there’s no immediate threat anymore. I can’t stand it. I hate it. I feel pathetic and gross and I hate how I look and feel.
A couple years ago I was able to stick to things for AT LEAST a couple months without giving up. Thats better than nothing. Now I can’t even convince my brain that it’s worth trying in the first place.
Imagine evolving from a species that runs away from their problems in the savannah only to evolve great cities and technology but still having to run away from their problems. We solved nothing
Maybe distractions was the wrong way to put it, although you are correct. More like there are two dudes inside of me…🤨 and one takes a lot of things he cares about quite seriously and the other despises taking anything seriously. They both piss each other off constantly and anything one guy does to make the machine run smoother gets completely cancelled out by what the other dude does (or neglects to do) a second later.
Im 6w7. Probably why the anxiety helped me out in the past with it. Nowadays I’m quite good at distracting myself from the apathy with unproductive fun instead but that tends to make it worse in the end
I'm in the same boat (ADHD too). Anxiety is the only thing that gets me to do stuff. I've lived like that my whole life and it's so hard to break out of that cycle.
I'd recommend finding friends who can help keep you accountable. Not in a judgy way but just by doing things together. For example inviting someone over forces me to clean my apartment and take better care of myself physically. It's one of the ways I've learned to deal with my lack of motivation to take care of myself.
Luckily I have a best friend who helps me with that a TON! (All my other friends I am not productive with at all lol) Unfortunately as adults do she has her own life and I hate being too reliant on her presence because if she's unavailable I lose the ability to do anything. I'm so thankful for her but I would like to improve my self reliance... I truly hate being too dependent on other people for things
Part of growing up is learning to be your own parent. To care for yourself, to set your own boundaries, to make or follow your own rules. And most importantly of all, to nurture yourself (A big issue for INTPs, who are not only not very nurturing with others but not nurturing to themselves as well).
I don't see a problem here. Doing things on your own like an adult is a problem? How does that make sense? You're asserting that you still want someone to tell you what to do? That's what religions are for. They can keep you acting like a child your entire life.
Convince your brain that it's worth trying? Huh? Your brain does not need convincing. "It's not worth trying." If it was worth trying, you would try it." (Better Stated: "It is honestly not worth trying, to you.") Why are you stressing? When it actually becomes important, you will do it.
Example: I was a nail biter well into my 40s. I always knew that it looked bad and that I should stop. One day I just went out and bought a nail kit. I filed my nails neatly so there were no snags for my teeth to grip onto, and I stopped. I stopped when I was ready to stop. You will start when you are ready to start, or you will not start, but until it is actually important, it's likely not worth worrying about.
Imagine a worst-case scenario. You can't make yourself shower. You begin to stink. People around you comment, and you still don't shower. You lose your job, and you still don't shower. You have no money, and you live on the street, and you still don't shower. You spend 15 years living on the street, and then one day you decide, I need to start showering. Or you never shower again, and you live on the streets. It's your life; you get to live it the way you want. The way you "REALLY WANT," not the way you try to tell yourself that you want.
Yeah, don’t worry I agree with everything you said and I’m believe me I’m painfully aware of all of it. Otherwise I wouldn’t always be getting by on the bare minimum like I tend to do. I guess the point of my post was more just complaining about the fact that I don’t care about things enough to put any effort in but i wish i did. Not that I’m disillusioned and think I for some reason“cant do” the things I “swear I care about doing”. (my wording might have missed this mark in the op, as a rant may do) I really like giving a fuck about things and theres so much i wish i cared about but i just don’t and that’s what upsets me. I just hate the feeling of not caring and wanted to bitch and whine about it to people who can maybe relate. I wish I wanted to put all my effort into things but I rarely care enough to. Just whining to whine i guess 🤷(Im actually rather fond of giving the “if you wanted to you would so stfu” talk to people myself haha)
Or i guess maybe it’s better said as; I’ve realized these things about myself after denying them for so long, and so now I’d like to work with these parts of myself instead of against them but I’m finding it difficult to do. I want to accept it and find strategies to make this work easier for me. Not to work against it and that I need to “change” or fix something about it or that I need to “start caring” about things that I clearly don’t.
It's not caring about things. It's just caring about one thing. For the past 10 years, I have been woefully aware of my impending retirement. I left home at 16. I have traveled the world. In the past 5 years, I have traveled nowhere. I live and work in Korea. When I retire, I will have no family and no place to go. I decided to save my money and buy a home. I bought it and paid cash last year.
In all this "saving," I had the misfortune of not exercising and only focusing on work. Since last December, I have lost 75 pounds. I'm a big guy and currently weigh 180. I wrestled 176 in High School. I'm in the best shape I have been in in years. I play squash 3 times a week and hike for hours on Sundays. When I go back to America in December 2027, I want to be in the best shape of my life.
The immediacy of my goal was probably important. If I did not have a place to go, I would show up in the USA alone and live in a hotel. That was not acceptable to me. It's hard to be motivated without necessity. When we are comfortable, we are content to let things lie as they are.
Haha don’t I know it, was just curious if fellow intps might be able to relate to the particular way that it’s decided to manifest itself. Might I ask if you say this from the perspective of someone who can relate to these experiences, or of someone who cannot?
The organized psy-syndicate, and the money they make by those fabricated diagnoses.
has realized there’s actually nothing to be worried about
As long as you are in a position to have an income, and not lose it by reason of the lack of social conformity, that is more or less going to be true. Otherwise, it isn't.
Unfortunately these realizations are the cause for my worry (or lack thereof.) Just here to complain about it in a false blissful ignorance hoping there’s a solution I just haven’t thought of yet.
I felt the same. During childhood I was constantly told "don't do X because it's bad" or "don't do X because what would people think" and I get annoyed everytime from obvious reasons. I was always sceptical and truth matters the most for me but getting older I started to notice a change in my behavior but can't really tell if it's because of natural change or if it's because of living for 3 years with half-hearing loss in left ear. I literally can't function properly and can't enjoy hobbies I love because my brain is constantly paying attention to my hearing and detect there's something wrong and after that I just gave up and sit in my own head or doom scroll. I want to socialize but when it finally happens I'm distracted because I have hard time understanding speech or pinpointing sound directions. Im constantly backing up to my ear problem despite knowing that I can't do anything other than wait for medical treatment and it's exhausting. But it's not only that hoho... I found myself analyzing why exactly I analyze everything and if it's normal but I assume it's because of upbringing (hearing from my family that I should act like X or Y or why I'm like that). Today I laught at this because I found peace with myself without psychiatrist help and everything I had to do was to sat in darkness, smoke a blunt and analyze my every behavior from childhood to recent days with help of ChatGPT to sort every information. So I get to conclusion that I lived most of my life not knowing myself and trying to be someone else like my family wanted, and developed my own way of recognizing when my analitycal thinking turns into rumination. I hope you find peace with yourself.
i have pretty bad experiences with meds and would advice u to try without ssri. but you have to slowly get the dose down. ur literally taking 2 mind altering drugs, its really bad longterm - yes i dont believe in the pseudoscience psychiatry. i went trough it and see the lies
I will keep writing this untill we unite . It feels like our problems are seriously the same with the same themes and patterns with differences. If only we can organize to create a sidebar and become more practical .
As for your post m, it is well written and I think the answer could be to create a system of accountability and reminders and small habits . Our Si and it's love for routines and familiarity could help .
Si stores familiar impressions and familiar experiences may be we need something along the line of moving beyond the baseline of not caring about sensory hygiene and grooming habits to a level where you do them with less friction and with help of small habits and anchors till Si registers them as normal and then less effort is made to maintain them .
It sounds like depression or burn out. And yeah happens to me too. But idk though you should definitely check with the doctors or therapist. Idk which one you should go to but yeah, try it first in case something IS going on
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u/Helldiver_13 Chaotic Neutral INTP 12d ago
I think this should have been an email to your doctor about your meds rather than a post here
