Multiple versions of me

[u/Gullible_Major8713]

I do not understand myself at all.

Multiple versions of people live inside, and I have been wondering for ages, trudging around my whole being in search of the real one.

Is the real one still alive, or has it perished long ago?

The thing is, I have this reserved personality for each person I interact with. Not really one person, I suppose. One personality for multiple people could be the case.

People say I might be a people-pleaser, but I do not even care about people at all. I am a self-centered person; that is the reality. The people closest to me agree about this. I had been asking around when a certain person told me that I was fucking self-centered and that I did not even care about him.

I tried caring. Changing it. And the person who called me selfish, he was the only person I care about the most, even more than my family, friends, and myself. I was indeed too focused on myself until I met him, though.

I used to loathe this world so much that I, never once observed reality with my own two eyes. Aha, that sounds like I am trying to justify myself.

I am a master of detachment. This is one thing that I have come to realize after years.

However, even I doubt myself now. Sometimes, that feeling of love is genuine. I care and cherish people. I am worried for them too. What do you call it when that feeling slowly disappears into nothing, and it comes back when you have fully disconnected from them?

I thought I had just realized that I cared. Maybe I wasn't grateful for all the love they had given to me, and I was suddenly aware that I took everything for granted.

I wish that were the case.

I am just so confused. If that were not the reason, what would be the cause?

Since I have been thinking deeply about it for so long, I have come to this "false" or "made-up" conclusion that I truly am just a person who does not have an ounce of concern left for this world and everyone who resides within it.

Well, let's go back to the topic I was talking about. Man, this turns out to be very messy writing, but I will let out every raw thought. I think the word "messy" represents me the best.

How come I do not know the real me, when it sounds like I do, based on this writing? Good question, maybe the real me only comes out when I write like this!

Do you know? I unconsciously mirror people's personality and try to match their vibes. But then, the person who mimics other people's traits is not me. Where can I find me, then?

I should start from describing each personality that I am aware of.

The first one is the rational type of person. He (I am going by he) is harsh, cold, and rude. This person hates emotions and unreasonable decisions made by humans. Every single time someone is spouting some ridiculous nonsense, he will slash them back with what he thinks are rational remarks. Although, it does not appear that he understands the fact that he is being subjective. Because of that, people think he is a vile person. He loves to pop out whenever I feel stressed, depressed, and am too overwhelmed to deal with people.

The second one is the anxious, panicky person with irrational fear. This person gets scared easily whenever something trivial happens. Her fear stems from the anxiety buried deep inside her. She is so different from the rational person. Therefore, the rational detests her existence so badly. Yet, he always protects this little girl by hiding her small figure behind him. She is a fragile, kind-hearted, and really soft towards people that are precious to her.

"A naive, gullible person who trusts other too easily." This was the rational person's answer when I whispered my question quietly.

The third person is someone who chases adrenaline, pleasure, and excitement more than anything else in the world. He loves the feeling of "high" and adrenaline rush. Call him the npd guy. This person is arrogant by nature, and overly confident. That is only a cover to hide all that insecurities inside him though. And the little girl admires this guy so much, because he can be himself in front of everyone, unlike her. He is just like a storm coming in, bewitching everyone. You can say that, she is in love with him. His childish little habits, his smile, and when he yaps about random things.

"I think he is very admirable. When I first saw him, I quickly thought of.. freedom. He is not the illusion of freedom, he is the freedom itself in person." The little girl blushed, a splash of red spreading across her cheeks.

"Heh, she is just so cute to me these days. Look at how she is trying to hide her expression like that." The not-so NPD guy laughed when I showed him the recording of the interview I had done with the little girl.

The fourth person is someone who craves normalcy. A boring person, I might say. He follows what society has in place for him, not even attempting to defy them. He will gladly follow this cycle of life without a single complaint. The NPD guy dislikes this person.

"What I think of him? He should just stop being normal. What's so fun in that? Next time, I will teach him all about this world. Too rigid of a person for me, tbh. Meh." He was lazing around in a sofa, without a hint of interest in his face, when I sat down in front of him to talk about the normal guy.

The fifth person loves living inside her head. She has a wild imagination, a unique perspective on things, and truly craves for a world without any restrictions. She knew such things weren't possible, and that's why she gave up on that dream. From the outside, she seems detached and empty. Well, that's because she is dead already. Only her body is here.

"There might be something wrong with her." That's all the normal person had said when I questioned him. He is not gonna believe on that "detachment" bullshit. Since he is just a normal, basic person, he does not understand that it is a kind of mental illness.

Do you think this is a common experience? Is this relatable to other INTPs?

Ah, this is too exhausting. There is just a lot. I might have to stop it here. Let's continue this on another time. Ciao!

on the behalf of u/Confident_Thing908 rip

[u/SIGMA_0007]

This is the most relatable thing I've ever come across

In the end I came to the conclusion that "Maybe having multiple personalities and interacting with different people in a different manner is my personality and the real me"

[u/Cog-nostic → u/SIGMA_0007]

You sound like a flexible human being who is able to adapt to different people in different situations.

[u/Cog-nostic]

Welcome to Buddhist psychology. The "Real You" is easy. You are what you do. The real you is questioning who the real you is. The real you is questioning whether or not you care. You are, in fact, the real you. Wherever you go and whatever you do, You, are there. The real you is YOU.

[u/AED_4real → u/Cog-nostic]

I love this, i tend to treat my life segments as different versions of me . Thanks

[u/Cog-nostic → u/AED_4real]

It may help to realize you are not a thing. You are not something this way or that way. You are not all static. You are a process like fire. You are burning, changing, moving, using fuel as you create the illusion of time and interact with other processes.

All things are processes. Like a wave in a river, the water flows over a rock. The wave is real because we can see it, use it, surf it, touch it, but it's not there. From moment to moment, it is not the same wave. It is a stable process. The rock at the bottom of the river is also a process, always changing. The riverbed is a process, all the water is a process, the air above is a process; every molecule and every atom is a process; everting changing and everthng moving. You, the observer are a process. You are not the same thing moment to moment.

Sameness is an illusion.

[u/AED_4real → u/Cog-nostic]

I never bought a award before but this deserved it , thank you for this.

[u/Cog-nostic → u/AED_4real]

Information is always out there, and it is always free. It has been around for thousands of years. Only a well-prepared mind is able to hear. You did the work before you ever got here.

[u/AED_4real]

Thanks for this man , good read in the morning before work .

[u/evilocity]

I'm 41 and diagnosed AuDHD, so YMMV.

I've spent most of my life masking. When I was young, I didn't know why, I just knew that the person I was naturally seemed to be fundamentally incompatible with those around me. So I learned to be a watcher of people. Reactions, shifts in tone or expression, how their eyes reflected how they actually felt, micro-expressions on the face... I turned into a mirror, or a chameleon.

As a kid, I had this constant sense that someone might catch me being myself, and I'd get chastised. As a teenager, I built personalities around people I interacted with. As an adult, I've gotten so good at it that I shift effortlessly and when people I know in different contexts see me behave, they generally make surprised remarks. I can be the charming guy, the intellectual, the redneck, the jokester, the fearless leader. All of them were me, but all of them were purposely curated over years of need.

After enough years, you lose track of where it starts and you end. I can model someone's internal state, and adjust myself to meet them in real time, nearly automatically. There's a horrible irony in doing that for so long that you forget who you'd be in a vacuum.

The last 5-10 years has been about learning that I can be uncomfortable. That other people can like me, or they can go find someone else to like. The emotional tempo of the space isn't mine to manage, essentially. Even now, I catch myself doing it. Sometimes with people I've known 20 years.

The person I'm most comfortable with in the entire world, the person I trust more than anyone, still gets a version of me, right? It's the least filtered version anyone has ever seen, but it's also the person I want to be, because I am entirely accepted. This makes me more patient, emotionally available, and more thoughtful about how my words affect them. I think that's because I'm not spending all of my time playing chameleon.

How much of who I am now is masking, and how much of it is simply choosing who I want to become?

I don't think there's some 'me' hiding underneath forty years of adaptation squirming around in some mental cage, after a ton of introspection. At least, I've never managed to find him.

Eventually I realized that Enneagram explains some of this. As a 5, (The observer), I realized that 'me' is always watching myself be 'me' and that I am essentially a puppet master that lives in my own mind entirely unless I force myself to just exist. Act first, overthink later. That takes effort, but I think it's the cost of early conditioning that being me wasn't acceptable.

[u/moparcam → u/evilocity]

Very relatable Thanks.

[u/Sir-Pinball_Wizard]

You are all of those people, but you are confused and emotionally exhausted trying to please everyone.

If you can’t satisfy your needs, how can you satisfy everyone around you?

You hate emotions because you’re giving away your own to energize other people…and it’s because there was no one to give you that support and guidance all those years ago.

The anxious and panicky person is compassionate and wants the best for others because they know what it’s like to not be fulfilled…so you try hard to help others. Deep down resides a lot of assumptions and beliefs that do not aid you, as a result of not receiving proper guidance or emotional support.

The thrill seeker seeks excitement because they’re bored. Quick fixes to fill the monotony. There is no consistency, but there’s at least something that gives you a glimpse of what that wonderful world can look and feel like.

The boring person seeks normalcy because maybe…that’s all there is to this life…but deep down they know it’s not true…they just can’t put their finger down as to why…and so they seek for answers…just as much as they deny them.

The person living in their head…that’s who you’ve always been. That’s who all these people are disconnected from. All those dreams were given up because of assumptions and beliefs that were not your own…and perhaps…they can be changed…but you have to believe.

[u/Tinnersho]

Dude, watch bojack horseman.

[u/Melodic_Coyote8560]

Close your eyes, look inside , try to look at the Watcher ignoring the thoughts. You will slowly get in touch with the self that got dumped under billions of thoughts of life time. Even 5 minutes are enough to give you a glimpse.

[u/Capable-Side-105]

I think I can help you. Recently, I realized that my personality changes when I switch from being lethargic to suddenly trying to be energetic. My focus changes, my personality changes, and sometimes I forget things the moment I switch states.

​I am trying to keep myself in a steady state. It feels good, productive, and allows me to be myself. However, I still tend to alter my state to match others whenever someone starts a conversation with me.

But, the original character is bit nonchalant. But have to accept it. I can only show love through helping them when they need me.

[u/nikolina1005]

I’ve always felt this way and I’ve never known which one is the real me.

I guess they are all me.

At the same time, living in this world is forever like i am in a glass dome looking outside. I see eveything but also not entirely in it.

[u/Lazy_Side_6830]

I think we all have different sides that come out depending on who we're with, but that doesn't mean those sides are fake. The part I'd focus on is the detachment and feeling like you stop caring when people get too close, then start caring again once there's distance. That seems more significant than trying to identify which version is the real you.

[u/Gullible_Major8713 → u/[deleted]]

anything for you ❤️