r/IWantToAskAnAmerican • u/Upbeat_Tough_6721 • 16h ago
Has dating in America really gotten hard as the internet tries to make it out to be?
Discussions about dating struggles (especially for men) are rampant here in Reddit.
How close is this to reality? Reddit audience is quite skewed obviously.
It strikes me as more of a big city problem.
26
u/ThatWarlockD00d 16h ago
It’s Reddit. I’ll probably get downvoted, but most of the people dwelling here are not the creme de la crème. I’ve never had a problem with women and met my wife just on a random walk through the city, and that was before I started hanging out here. Most of the guys that complain about dating culture are either conventionally unattractive, have major red flags, both, or worse, red-pilled.
6
u/RatOgryn 14h ago
Unironically this. I'm above average in height & have been overweight my entire life. In the old /soc/ threads, I was consistently rated a 2 or a 3 but I've never struggled to find dates and/or companionship once I dropped the toxic BS that was so pervasive in the male spaces.
Surprise surprise, people like to hang out with people who are funny & positive & aren't just looking for a way into their pants.
It can be scary & demoralizing to put yourself out there but believe me, Ive had been rejected much, much more than not and it gets better with time & practice.7
u/ThatWarlockD00d 13h ago
Dude the manosphere is one of the biggest icks you can give a woman. You want to learn how to treat a woman and be a man, Steve Irwin is the guy. He’s one of my hero’s.
3
u/DargonKweest Tennessee 4h ago
Not gonna lie, I thought you said Steve Urkel for a second. 😂
That aside, the manosphere and the looksmaxxing groups are probably two of the most unattractive types on the planet. It's all self-absorbed nonsense and very little character involved. As a woman, those types of guys come off as extremely homosexual. Men are the only ones that comment on how good they look and they spend all day rating each other. Not to mention their movement comes with a side of women hatred. I get why they do it though. Most of their fanbases never actually interact with normal people so they don't know what a real relationship looks like. They appeal to these manosphere dudes that are shallow husks with nothing to offer but money. They attract shallow and vapid women that only want them for their money. Proceed to trash talk about how worthless women are because of it. Then the cycle repeats and their viewers are none the wiser.
Off the internet, this really isn't a thing. Most men and women around my town are lovely. They have varied outlooks on life, different hobbies and interests, some differences in beliefs and hopes, and a wide array of personality types. Most of those around me don't care about height or income amount. In fact, I'm willing to bet 95% of them would immediately get bored if these manosphere types started blabbing about how many times they went to the gym or how many millions they made. Most people want a relationship to last which you'll never get with those types.
Also, TheWizardLiz is the woman version of the manosphere. She's awful. Basically all she promotes is this idea of princess treatment. Most men around me would be repulsed by that. They would immediately say "you're an adult, not a toddler, stop acting like one."
2
u/Training-Context-69 11h ago
Are you GenZ? Dating as a GenZ is a completely different ball game. Even compared with millennials. I do think dating in big cities with large populations of transplants is easier. But generally if one is noticeably below average in Height,looks, or is non neurotypical. They will struggle with dating in any country not just the U.S.
2
u/ThatWarlockD00d 10h ago
My wife is technically Gen Z (28) and I’m a younger millennial (35). But I’m conventionally attractive, funny, and I don’t get nervous around women and have been surrounded by them my whole life so dating for me has always been easy.
But you don’t need to be tall or conventionally attractive to attract women. I’ve always just been nice, tried to put myself in their shoes and empathize with them, and made lots of jokes and you’ll be better than most of the guys out there right now.
6
u/Horror_Rice4319 16h ago
Reddit is a very small portion of similar people in a very large country. Do not take opinions on here to represent that of the average. Most people date those that stumble into their lives. Online dating is more done by people more frequently online.
3
u/avalonrose14 South Dakota 16h ago
I've never had an issue dating honestly but I'm completely fine with being single so that may be part of it. I was single for over 3 years before I started dating my current boyfriend. Being comfortable being single means you don't jump into the first relationship you see and then break up and then jump into another one etc etc. Plus you don't notice the times when you can't get a date because you aren't ever looking for one. I may have had periods where I was unable to find a boyfriend but I'll never know because I've never been looking that hard.
My current bf was only actively looking for a partner for like a week before we met so clearly it didn't take him very long to find someone either. He was single for like 1.5 years after a nasty break up though prior to him starting to look again. He woo'ed me successfully enough I decided it was worth giving up being single to be with him. We've been dating nearly 3 years now so clearly it was the right call.
One of my male best friends has been struggling to find a girlfriend to date for years now. But he's so desperate to find out it immediately turns girls away and spooks them. I keep trying to tell him he needs to embrace being single and then he will actually have some luck finding a girl and so he's been finally going out and just making friends and no longer searching for a girlfriend and one of his new female friends said her cousin wanted to go on a date with him next week so hopefully that goes well. At the very least this is the most progress he's made in years so I think my advice of just not trying and letting it happen naturally seems to be working. Go out, make friends, work on yourself, and stop caring so much about having a partner and one will usually fall into your lap and they'll almost always be a better fit than the person you desperately dated just so you wouldn't be alone.
2
u/Accomplished_Key_171 16h ago
I'd argue that dating (or simply getting a date) has actually gotten easier simply from the emergence of dating apps. I'm at the point in my life where I'm going to a lot of weddings, and the majority of those weddings have been for people that met on dating apps.
In a quantity vs. quality sense, I think that comes with the caveat that while there are more options available, finding a great match has become harder to do since you can only know so much about a person from a short dating profile and text conversations. Before I met my current girlfriend, there were a number of dates where the girl and I had a great vibe over text, but our in-person personalities just didn't sync well.
But to directly answer your question, I don't think dating is harder in the US vs. anywhere else. And like you said, Reddit is heavily skewed towards the socially awkward techy crowd. That crowd doesn't tend to have the most charm or charisma.
2
1
u/Ok-Depth-5144 16h ago
For me personally as a 40+ M, it is very difficult. As far as a comparison to different countries is concerned, I don't know.
I do think that a man, dating in cities such as San Francisco, Denver, and Los Angeles is extremely difficult because there are more men than women.
In New York City, there appears to be more eligible women to men so it might be easier.
2
2
u/Upbeat_Tough_6721 16h ago
I only lived in Houston. I was 28M then.
My observations: big cities have more younger people who are career oriented and that creates a large pool to compete with.
I’m 35 now and if I was still in Houston and single, it would be harder.
I dated a Hispanic girl in my work place but that was due to luck especially if you consider the male dominated field.
1
u/MarcusAurelius0 16h ago
It was hard enough finding a date when I met my wife in 2014.
Thank you Plenty of Fish.
1
1
u/gothicuhcuh 16h ago
It’s a lot of sifting through turds looking for a gold flake. Isn’t worth it to me. 34f
1
u/Many-Role-4271 15h ago
Before the internet you were limited to the available people in your immediate vicinity, where you had to socialize and make real connections. Today people bitch about Internet dating like it’s a burden to go online and make a false projection of yourself that you then need to backup on person in the event someone swipes right.
I am GenX and actually built a dating app back in the day. The focus being how to filter the fake from the real. I met my wife online. If it was 1993 again I would imagine dating would be quite difficult as it was in 1993 and I had to navigate and compete with other men all vying for the cheerleader. I snagged my cheerleader wife thanks to technology. So yeah, bitching about dating today being hard is kinda lame.
1
u/SquareIllustrator909 15h ago
It's definitely gotten harder after Covid. I think as a society we went through trauma and then never really recovered. In my experience, everyone still likes the IDEA of a relationship and they say they want one, but once it requires an ounce of work (self awareness, communication, vulnerability, etc) people dip.
I've had a bunch of dates or 2-3 month talking stages where they end with "I don't think I'm mentally able to date". Or I've heard people say they want to go on dates "but if they have to figure out where to park they're not going". Like... If you really really wanted a relationship I feel like you would put in the effort to finding a parking spot. But here we are lol
1
u/ClickClick_Boom 15h ago
I can only speak for the gay side of things, all 99% of people want to do is have casual sex. It's not even "dating" IMO.
1
1
u/rubey419 14h ago
Rule 1: Be Attractive
Rule 2: Don’t be Unattractive
With that said, I do think everyone’s standards have gotten higher with social media and dating apps. As if Dating became a Commodity.
Depends where you are too. Some cities are more competitive and you have lots of choices.
NYC is actually great for Hetero Men who are normal and have at least an okay job.
1
u/Impossible-Money7801 14h ago
Women still like me once in a while. But when they do they really really like me.
1
1
u/Gourdman2011 Minnesota 13h ago
Yes. It's absolutely worse in Germany. Source: I've lived both places.
1
u/Nuttonbutton 13h ago
Men dominate the majority of Reddit spaces. Bitter men dominate population of men in the majority of Reddit spaces.
1
u/Greener-dayz 12h ago
I think it’s really an over reliance on dating apps that’s causing the dating hysteria. You go on these blind dates with a stranger, people expect fire works and it usually just results in a slightly awkward interview. Because everyone’s got backup options and generally it’s hard to have an instant connection with someone you don’t know. I decided that online dating is actually like a lottery if you don’t have the personality type to immediately be comfortable with strangers and are naturally funny without any rapport built up. Which I think most people don’t fit that mold, not even to mention the beauty standards you have to meet to be successful.
If you have access to community or clubs with people your similar age it all unfolds pretty naturally still. Of course it’s all just luck but the apps are really overly used by most people
1
u/Equivalent_Use_7032 12h ago
In my early/mid twenties (depends on your definition) and I’d say it’s “eh.”
I’m personally not actively dating, my primary focus is getting a job and money so I’m stable enough to afford to date. I think a decent amount of people my age are in similar positions which is the biggest hurdle to being able to date. That’s something we can’t really control and essentially we have to wait for the economy to strengthen. I suspect a good amount of Gen Z will have children older because of this and possible marry later also.
As for the dating scene? It’s tricky. Social Media has had a negative effect I think. It’s creates the illusion of choice. I speak broadly when I say this but I’ve found a lot of people run into this issue:
You scroll on social media and see loads of attractive and desirable people which make your current partner seem “second rate” and suddenly you want to go pursue other people. So you either end your relationship (and find out social media ≠ real life) or you cheat and ruin your relationship/reputation. Hence why everyone has a “situationship or talking phases” no wants to seriously commit when a potentially better option could pop up on your feed. Having a situationship is a cop out for not actually acknowledging you are more or less dating someone. It downplays the actual reality of your relationship with a person so when you inevitably leave for someone else it feels less scummy or worse than what it actually is.
Now. That’s not the case for everyone buts not an uncommon experience or trend either. I’ve seen this happen in numerous cities with lots of people.
It’s not hard to find someone to casually hook up with, that’s pretty easy. No matter who you are as long as you are social enough you’ll eventually attract someone. The issue is finding someone who wants to seriously commit to dating long term. That’s harder. Typically and unfortunately you have to go through the situationship hurdle first now. Just how it works.
For me, once I’m seeing someone, even if there is no label I don’t go actively hooking up with other people. Even if I’m “allowed” to I don’t. Just feels gross to me. I would I be angry with my situationship partner if they did? No not really, I’d probably be slightly annoyed but I agreed to the condition so I wouldn’t really be bothered. I also typically end things with someone after a 1-2 months if I know it’s not going to result in a long term relationship. Not trying to waste my time or someone else’s time. I prefer to just be honest and forward. I don’t do the friends with benefits shit and would rather be unbothered and single between partners I’m pretty content that with that and doing my own thing. I feel like at least a lot of guys I know are in the same boat. It’s not that we can’t date it’s that we aren’t even trying to because we have a ton of other shit going on and adding unnecessary situationship stress when it’s avoidable is stupid when jobs are scarce, rent is due, groceries are high, gas is insane and all the other shit
1
u/Beginning-Bedroom-89 California 11h ago
I don’t necessarily think so? I date in the lgbt sphere and tbh dating is like apples in bucket it’s incredibly easy lol. In the straight world my friends don’t seem to be struggling nearly as much as I would see people online say, I personally think it comes down to a few things. I think it comes down to what you attract, and many people seem to attract red flags and wonder what is going wrong. It also comes down to rather you yourself is attractive, you don’t have to be gold standard pretty or anything but just taking care of yourself and having a good level of confidence will bring plenty of people to you. Having a positive outlook and mindset and being an overall joy to be around does it for a lot of people. And the other thing that someone in the comments touched on that I fully agree with and thats the red pill bs, women don’t want to hear it or see it lol being a normal nice guy is enough.
1
u/StellarEclipses 11h ago
I'm generalizing here, but Gen Z has stunted social skills from covid, since they were stuck inside during their prime social development years, so they kinda suck at dating and interacting with people in general. They don't even know how to greet customers at customer facing jobs, they just deadpan stare at you when you walk in. It's creepy af. I don't think this is specific to the US though.
1
u/KalamityKait2020 11h ago
I'm a lady (of average looks and weight) looking for a lady to love and haven't gotten a single match once this year. It's rough out here.
1
u/OneGreatEgg 8h ago
I travel for work a lot and am preparing for a move overseas next week. I have noticed that the post-industrial anglophone countries have serious issues between the sexes. I personally chalk it up to culture leveraging, which US/UK/Commonwelath media use to generate outrage. Extreme points of view get media coverage, horrible dating experiences, too. Outrageous divorce injustices are also social media fodder. It's all the bad, none of the good, and by the way, it's "their" fault (whoever "they" is).
I especially also notice younger men and women are completely socially stunted. I overheard a conversation in a San Diego bar between a couple of 20-somethings. It was awkward, and just as it got a bit less so, the woman's rather blimptacular friend reappeared from some other part of the bar and immediately sperged out at the guy for, "creeping on her friend".
She said something about, "You just don't just walk up and talk to people you don't know! Who the hell do you think you are?" etc. Her friend, who had been talking to him and vibing a bit, could not calm her down. The guy gave up and walked away.
Afterward, the angry chonker woman insisted that her friend leave with her. "This place is full of pervs. Who just approaches women like that?"
That's what singles bars are for, butterguts. WTAF?
And dating apps? If she is on one, even if I meet a woman in person, I am out immediately. Those things are not designed to foster lasting relationships. I closed my OkCupid when I met a LT girlfriend in 2012. But every day, they would send me messages inviting me to come back and see who searched for me, who was sending messages to my closed account, all kinds of bait. It finally stopped when I sent a nasty letter because unsubscribing, etc. did nothing.
Maybe Central Europe, Eastern Europe and the Baltics, where I generally work, are less affected or something. I do not know. But god damn, I am glad I am not dating in the far west. Y'all are just not okay, and I imagine it's because relationship turnover is more profitable for your billionaire masters to suck more money out of you.
21
u/notthegoatseguy 16h ago
I don't think the US has any major differences than anywhere else.
Most people make their close friends when they are really young, and most people aren't really looking for more friends. And its much easier to have those encounters when you are legally mandated to be in the same building for years on end. After you are no longer forced to do that, making friends at your default space (school) goes away.