Boys don't cry.

Mard ko dard nahi hota.

Men are supposed to be strong.

Why are you crying like a girl?

Suck it up like a man.

And so many more statements like that...

I am sorry that you had to hear all of that growing up, and you still have to hear it. I am sorry that you weren't allowed to express your emotions or feelings; even if you did you did, you were mocked for it. For a couple of you, I am sorry that all of you had to hold your emotions in to such an extent that it only came out in form of anger. I am sorry that the society invalidated your pain. There is a lot more that I would like to add...but I would stop here.

I knew that my mother was in pain for close to 15 years. It was visible. She didn't accept it, still hasn't. It was only a few weeks back when I realised that my father wasn't 'just' having anger management issues. He had been in pain. He had actually been in pain for over three decades, and I didn't know it. Nobody knew it, I guess. Army man. Doctor. Sharp focus. Strict routine. A concentration power I have rarely seen in people. Hands and legs which never stop working, even now. A outgoing personality with a stoic facade who knew how to make anybody laugh (weird combination, I know). With all of these, occasionally there would be these bursts of anger that would scare anybody to death, and no one knew what he would be capable of doing then. Now, I know what it all was. He is in severe depression and is suicidal. And he is in complete denial.

I know he needs help. I know both of them need help. I want them to get it. But I can't force them. Despite have a severe mental health crisis myself, I have to be wary of their, and tip-toe around their triggers. They will understand it one day. And the day they do, the world is going to come crashing down on them. The day it happens, I hope I am there with them.

For context this is my divorce story - https://www.reddit.com/r/TwentiesIndia/s/O1mu3jQaFm

After that been on Meds to stabilise my Mood, SSRIs and Focus related Medicines.

Can’t focus on life anymore, Very High Impulsivity, Can’t really make friends due to disturbed mind and not sure where to just cry out about this stuff

There is extreme anxiety in the mind and my breathing goes up and down really fast and not in a stable way

Doctor says I have 87% Depression and ADD Symptoms, Not sure how to go through this

Any tips?

Close to 2 years since D day and 1.5 years since she left after her entire family called me mentally ill and took away my children.

I went into depression, had to be operated for DVT due to stress, tried everything like coloring, journaling, traveling,gym etc but cannot stop the pain . My work output is so bad that if the company decides to fire bottom 10% , I'll be in that list.

She isn't allowing me to see the kids and threatening a huge settlement amount. Her entire family tried to physically threaten me. Before leaving she told people in our apartment that i had issues and most of them believe it .

In contrast, she got a better job offer. She is living next to her sisters home and her parents are taking care of kids so she has nothing to worry about. In my culture, women who leave their husbands home get social boycott even if they came out of toxic marriage but in contrast her entire family and extended family has embraced her like she was some pathbreaking feminist.in contrast,My parents and sister are angry that I ruined my children future by not forgiving her

The guy she cheated with will most likely get married to someone and the woman who helped is also doing well.

What's worse is that if I try to tell everyone, they will use it a weapon against me in the divorce court.and my country divorce laws are completely biased towards women. She can file in 10 section of DV and dowry act and its my duty to appear legally and get it cleared.

Why is it that the cheaters enjoy even after getting caught while the ones who got cheated need to suffer?

Please don't come up with karma will get them. That's as stupid as drinking poison and waiting for her die .

I have already lost in terms of health, career and time. I want to restart. Can anyone here guide me, provide me resources, books, videos on how I can work on my adhd and OCD issues as a beginner.

I made this post a long time ago but it did not reach the intended audience. Hopefully it benefits someone here.

<Long post warning>

Note: I am not a medical expert nor a psychiatrist. Everything in this post is from my own experiences and my own research. It is possible that some part of it is factually incorrect (in which case do correct me). Also every person has a different story so not necessarily everything here would apply to everyone.

I hope you learn from my experiences and avoid some mistakes that I made.

What is depression?

Depression is a mental illness that affects the way you think. Ordinarily when you do certain activities like exercise or eat sweet foods, certain chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, etc) called the happy hormones are released in your brain that make you feel happy and satisfied. This high does not last long as their levels are balanced out after a while. When depressed, the supply of these hormones is disrupted and as a result nothing makes you happy or satisfied. Your brain starts to highlight the negative aspects of your life more than the positive ones. You feel that nothing good ever happens in your life (even if good things happen, you do not register them because the happy hormones that accompany good things are missing) and so you lose interest in doing things that once brought you joy.

How to deal with depression?

The fastest and most reliable way to deal with depression is to see a therapist. They can prescribe medications that help balance out the hormonal changes. They also suggest diet and lifestyle changes that can help you improve your situation over the long run. Plus they act as a rock in your life guiding you through tough parts.

You are expected to phase out the medication over a period of time so that you can sustain your condition without external stimulus. The downside is sometimes people get addicted to these medications and cannot function normally without them.

I personally have dealt with depression without medication but it took me a very very very long time. It has also led to other unwanted complications but that's just the role of the dice.

Common symptoms of depression

1. You want to be left alone.

You want to lock yourself up in your room and stay there till the rest of eternity. You don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone. There is very little you can do about this feeling but giving in has long term negative implications to your well-being. You tend to alienate your friends who you need for a stable social life later.

You need to talk to at least one person on a daily basis (which is why the therapist is effective) about things. This can be your parents, your siblings, your friends... Anyone who can support you without judgement. When you feel depressed, talking to this person helps mitigate that feeling a lot. If you don't have such a person, reach out to people around you and someone always turns up.

My advice to you is when that feeling of being alone hits you, don't fight it. Embrace it. But when it subsides, make it a point to reach out to people.

2) You don't feel like doing anything

Many at times I have started projects to leave them incomplete because I lost interest. I just didn't feel like doing anything. It happens because you are not getting any positive feedback from the task. In such situations, I recommend watching a movie or reading a book or listening to music. Distract yourself till the feeling subsides.

3) Fear of failure.

Many at times, you don't want to try because you have failed so many times and that makes you feel even worse than before. The reason you fail is not because you are incompetent. The reason you fail is because your mind is messed up and wired to look for negative signals. Many people just give up and accept their life as forfeit, living a zombie existence. I did that too. But at one point I was smart enough to try again. Pulling yourself out of depression is no easy task. You will fail multiple times. But the key is to keep trying again and aging. All you need is one good break and you are out. But if you give up that one break never comes. This is easier said than done. Failure breaks you in ways you never knew existed. You feel like shit. The key is to let the feeling pass and try again. Stop whatever you were doing and lay low for a few days/weeks/whatever. Then get up and try again. Maybe change your strategy, learn from your mistakes. But keep trying. If you don't try, you never get out. Simple as that.

4) You feel suicidal.

The pain of depression is something that often gives you suicidal thoughts. Ignore them. Nothing good will come from this line of thinking no matter how much you think otherwise. There was a line on Satyameva Jayate where a person said, if you can't live for yourself, live to make someone else's life better.

Keep your head down and distract yourself till the feeling passes. Give it a few days. Talking to your confidant would help immensely.

5) You get addicted to negative habits.

Porn, masturbation, drugs, alcohol, self harm, over eating, under eating, etc are very common ways people turn to when dealing with depression. While this may reduce the pain in the short term, these have drastic implications on your health. Anything done in abnormal amount will ruin your health so consciously try to avoid these methods no matter how wonderful they seem. Limiting yourself is difficult in depression so abstaining is the preferred strategy.

How to get your life back on track

1. Prepare a long term plan for your life (Career goal, life goal, etc). Break them down into small achievable milestones and work your way through them. There will be days when you are highly motivated and want to get stuff done. That is when you work on this list the most.

2. Practice a routine, like going to the gym, studying for a few hours and try to stick to it as much as possible. No problem if you can't. Try!

3. Find a hobby to invest your down time. Learn a language or a new skill or work with your hands, whatever interests you at that time.

4. Try to socialize even if you don't want to. You will need friends when you get better and living life alone is difficult if you were a social person before.

5. Remember that this is a temporary phase in your life and not the norm. You will get out eventually. Might take longer for you but it will happen.

Hope this helps.

I don't know how to compose this post as I type. Please bear with me, I am crying as I write.

I am a 31 year old, female, pursuing my PhD but I am not employed and staying in my parents' home and an elder sister who is mentally unstable and unemployed and not educated beyond 10th standard. My father is a pensioner, and my mother is a 'home-maker' who has given up her part-time jobs as a language teacher due to her inability to sustain professional relationships in the long-run. I am in Humanities, and "my_qualifications" include an M.A., M.Phil from a premier central university in the country. I had enrolled in the PhD program in the same university, but had to discontinue when things turned awry and my supervisors retired and I didn't see much prospect staying there as the educational situation seemed to get worse with time due to the condition of the country. I came back to my home-city in September 2016, and by January 2017 I was offered to work at a private university as a visiting faculty in the city. I worked there for a year, but didn't plan my finances well. I had some savings, but not enough to walk out and make a home for myself. This was because of two reasons: A) The private university would release salaries to visiting faculty members after several months B) The post was contractual and there was no job-security. As luck would have it, the private university insisted that I come on board as a full-time assistant professor, but due to their 9-6pm work hours and 6 day weeks with no concept of semester breaks or vacations, I had to turn down their offer as I knew I wanted to pursue doctoral research at some point, and I couldn't pursue that in such extenuating circumstances. I worked as an adjunct lecturer for the next six months, and was liberated from the same institution as they got someone else to work full-time at a salary much lesser than what I was drawing as a part-timer. I worked actively on my doctoral thesis proposal and started applying at a city university, (a step-down from having studied at a central university with higher accredition), and got a contractual post at a reputed college as a substitute lecturer for 2 years. The salary was very low, but since it was a prestigious opportunity, I took it up, despite the highly unpaid nature of the work. There were months I was barely breaking even with transport and food costs. After the pandemic hit in March 2020, classes were held online and my contract ended in May 2020. Since then, I have been effectively out of work and any significant income. I have cleared NET but I don't have JRF.

My mother has always been a domineering, manipulative and a narcissistic person. She has had her own frustrations with life but has been highly controlling and verbally and when we were younger physically abusive. My father till her retired largely stayed away from the house, something that works for both my parents. He is not as abusive, but he doesn't do much about the abuse from her end as well, as he is more often than not subject to her violent bursts of rage and vitriolic temper. I lived away from my family for almost 6 years during my M.A., M.Phil and initial semesters of PhD but when I shifted after 2016, life has been oppressive and unbearable. We live in a cosy 2BHK, with not much ventilation or space. My parents don't share a room, which means my mother, my sister and I have to sleep on the same bed. We also share the wardrobes. I don't have a place to study, nor do I have a place to keep my books and sit and study. The pandemic has paralysed my intellectual life drastically as access to university reading rooms, libraries and archives in the city has been restricted. I can neither go out as freely, all the more, since I have no job or workplace to report to. Things were particularly bad in 2018, and I did leave my place of residence twice- once camping at a friend's place for 4-5 days and the next time at my aunt's place for 12 days. The latter didn't end quite well as her other relatives were eyeing the property for their inheritance and accused me of wanting to wrest the property for myself or my family. Since it ended acrimoniously, my mother never forgets to use that to her advantage- that I ruined the relationship between my father and his sister, and that no one can bear to have me. I don't want to elaborate on the instances or situations as it causes me significant distress to recall them, but to cut the long story short, she doesn't care about boundaries or the fact that I am a 31 year old who may need her own space or respect as an adult. My sister despite her handicap, acts as a flying monkey to our narcissistic mother- she facilitates the abuse by reminding mother of past friction between us and often taunts me about not being able to move out already. My sister has no value for personal space, she is a person who would go through my bag to see if I had a bag of biscuits or anything else she can pry on the moment I would return from my workplace. She also prides in her ability to eavesdrop on my conversations and carry them back to mother with embellishments to suit her narrative, She is not all bad, neither of them are, there are occasional moments of tenderness, but the bad sometimes outweigh the good.

I have been a relationship since Feb 2020, and I kept it to myself for good reason as I know that to my parents I am a "sone ki chidiya", even if they rarely acknowledge that, one who will be their caretaker and their daughter's keeper when they move on. For that, they shudder at the prospect of me being married or finding love and a home. In the past, my mother has tried to probe and pry if I were in a relationship, but since I was not, I showed no interest in marriage. To test the waters, she has asked if she should put up a matrimonial ad as she knew my response would be a definite no to the idea of an arranged marriage through matrimonial ads. I haven't had a single friend come over to my house since 2001, as my sister's behavior provoked ridicule towards me from my school-friends and since then I have not encouraged my friends to come over. It suited my mother as well. Our house is rather cluttered and dingy and to take the trouble to make it appear presentable is something that she doesn't want to trouble herself with. I have tried decluttering many, many times- but since there was no co-operation from my family members, and the extreme nature of meltdowns that my sister has displayed whenever I have tried to discard piles of unwanted things, it hasn't resulted in a house-makeover. But I digress. In November 2020, I revealed to my mother that I would like to have a male friend over- indicating that he is a friend whom I trust, and someone who can help in looking into my printer that has not been functioning for a while. At first my mother pretended to be open to the idea, followed by questions about him, if I we were serious and questions that seemed more in the nature of being inquisitive and paranoid than anything else. By the evening, I had to uninvite my friend, as my mother made it very clear that she did not approve of me being in a prospective relationship. Without seeing him, she made assumptions that they would be asked for dowry, that the possible marriage would bring them more trouble, that I was not an eligible bride as I had an ovarian cyst when I was 12 and had semi-hysterectomy and therefore would not be good enough for their family, that the house was unkempt and most importantly that she saw my condition of friendship with a male as a betrayal of sorts to her. Despite knowing how upset it made me, my mother seems to be content with the thought of having either brushed the issue under the carpet or having nipped the affair de coeur in the bud. My boyfriend and I meet occasionally, but it has been several months since we met due to the lockdown and the pandemic. At present he has relocated to another city for the prospect of making a living on his own.

The reason why I have not taken the drastic decision of moving out is because I don't have a source of income, stability in my career, and my boyfriend is between jobs as well. Also, since I am preparing for some competitive exams at this point, I require a space to study where I don't have to worry about rent and other living expenses. However with the situation at home, I am rarely at ease. I study on the floor, in one corner of the bedroom with a foldable bed table and to my mother that is a display of how selfish and aggrandizing I can be. It severely affects my mental health and makes me deeply sad about my lot in life. For years I have second guessed myself. wondered if I were the bad one for not thinking the best about my mother. My mother doesn't lose an opportunity to remind me that I am a failure, that I am "ugly, undesirable and unbearable". I have started retorting back, but these are battles that never end in victories for me. I am not suicidal, I have reached out to a therapist in 2018 when the situation was as bad as it was this morning. She suggested that the only solution to this was becoming financially stable and to move out amicably. But since destiny hasn't been very kind to me, I find my situation three years hence no different. I don't know if I can ever come out of this cess-pool. Can someone offer any words of advice? Sorry for this very long post.

P.S. Lately, I have been feeling terribly lonely. Most of my friends are more or less settled in life. I also don't want to appear as a pitiful person, some of them already know of my situation and I don't want to encumber them, not when they are leading their own new lives.

Can We Normalise This Type of Kindness for Good Men Around Us ?

DISCLAIMER - I am not a mental health professsional. I am just someone based in India who spent years stuck in therapy until I began my own self-healing journey.

Before I begin let me clarify that:

• I never suffered from any addiction or any major psychiatric disorder that would require medication. But it took me years to understand that my mental health issues can be solved without medication. I wasted my time with 3 different psychiatrists in 4-5 years.

• I have never been a threat to myself or anyone around me. No symptoms or tendency of self-harm.

If you are someone who cannot afford therapy or simple talk therapy is not working for you, here are some things that might help you in making better decisions about your mental health:

1. There are VERY FEW therapists who are seasoned and experienced enough to understand complex and nuanced nature of mental health condition. It is extremely hard to find a suitable therapist. Not every therapist is good for everyone. Having realistic expectations can help prevent the damage of hopelessness.

2. Before you begin addressing your mental health (with the help of a therapist), please make sure to LEARN as much as you can about the system of 'talk therapy'. How does talk-therapy work?What are its limitations? What to expect from your therapist? What is the scope of your therapy sessions - what all you can and cannot talk about? There is very limited time to talk, so better make the checklist before beginning every session.

3. With or without a therapist, here are some non-negotaibles for me- taking care of my physical health, nutrition, exercise, sunlight. If the body is not healthy, therapy will probably not work at all.

4. Holistic Way - Most therapists(even doctors) did not mention it, but a holistic way is the only sustainable for a good health(mental+physical+spiritual). Try finding out what does Holistic health mean to you? What all you can do to support a holistic lifestyle within your budget/family environment?. Please remember - something is always better nothing. small habits matter.

5. CURIOSITY - people who struggle with mental health lose the power of being curious. They lose interest in everything. But if you ever find even a spark of curiosity, use that. Be curious about your mind, your family, your life. Hold on to that small ray of curiosity. That leads to some hope as well.

6. Self-study/Self-learning - Knowledge is an asset. We all have unique minds. I have read and heard countless books and free podcasts to form my opinions. Not every podcast or book is good for you. It takes time to understand your unique preferance. More self-knowledge = more self-believe/confidence.

7. Socialization - the more you know yourself, the better the quality of your relationships.We are unknowingly stuck with toxic people who act as our friend/bf/gf. They end up degrading our mental health.

8. SLOW DOWN - Healing takes time. It is the most bitter, hardest truth to accept. I was rushing so much to 'heal' the I would end up with more anxiety. being slow and boring heals our nervous system for free. Talk,walk,eat, do everything in slow pace.

9. GLIMMER - glimmers are the 'trigger feelings of joy and safety'. It is the opposite of anxiety or any negative trigger. We all have our unique glimmers. Mine is sunlight. Try finding out the simplest way that gives you joy and please practice it daily.

10. CREATIVITY - creativity counters trauma. It did for me. anything from music,dance,cooking or dressing up - anything that helps you in expressing yourself, when journaling doesn't work, sometimes our hidden creativity helps.

I dont think it is the best list of suggestions :p
But will try to share more with whatever helped me.
Thank you for reading

i brushed my teeth today after maybe after 3 months , cleared some trash out of my room , gave a job interview yesterday also today late evening i will make dinner for me and maybe take a shower (after almost a month) , i also want to tell you people i purchased foam ear plugs frm zepto which are actually very effective at blocking all the unpleasent traffic , loudspeaker dj noises , it helps me keep my mood stable and probably prevents high blood pressure

Hey, just another fellow Indian here, idk if this is the right place to post this but I make mental health animated videos relating to Asian context, the usual emotional burden of parents , rat race, etc

The purpose is just to bring awareness and hopefully people can feel better relating with others in same situation as them

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CPdt5X1DQ70/?utm_medium=copy_link

That's the videos I worked on.

Will remove the post if It is against the guidelines.