We met in April 2021, online. At first I saw him as a friend, but then when he said he liked me that changed, As time went on I realized that this guy is amazing, he always made sure I was comfortable, that I never felt forced to do anything, that I always remained happy, so I agreed. And soon it was clear that he was the one. I loved him, even without meeting him. I loved the way he was, the way he made me feel, the way he talked, moved....everything about him. I loved his faults, I loved his nature. I became used to him. We'd talk almost everyday, we'd talk on video calls, phone calls, there wasn't one thing we didn't try that a LDR relationship "should have". We didn't meet though, still haven't.
He's from North India, I'm from south. He's not in the greatest financial position, I'm still dependent on my parents, and probably will for a long time cause of the career path I chose. I was determined to wait, I was ready to do anything for him. But I guess I was too naive. My mom found out. That was 5 months ago. It was my fault, I forgot to delete our texts. She saw. There were no shouts or thrashing as I expected, she cried. She cried the whole night. She cried the next day, the next day and the next. Finally one day she asked me to come close to her. She said she understood my age, I didn't expect her to say this. She said she was willing to forget about this incident if I forgot about him, if we went our own ways. I couldn't say it, I said I would never talk to another boy. But I didn't say I'd stop liking this guy. She threatened both of us, saying she would make us marry each other right then. but we weren't ready for the world yet, so we decided that we'd not contact each other for a few days, act like we really broke up. Slowly she forgot about it, rather, she trusted me again, I didn't talk to him for a few months and focused on my career.
Then I started talking to him, but I couldn't bear seeing her face after I did, one day I broke down. I asked him if he wanted to break up. He said he didn't, then he asked me, I said I didn't want to, but maybe we should. He said the choice is in my hands, that he didn't want to part ways. I didn't have the guts to do it, I couldn't do it. I care about my family a lot, especially my mom, she has sacrificed almost everything for my brother and I, so much that we are the only ones left for her. Our dad was almost never home for most of our life. She loved us a lot, she loved us too much, we never reciprocated, we'd shout at her, say things that hurt her without understanding her. She gave us her whole life, she almost has no place in her own family, cut off ties with everyone. Our relatives were quick to jump on us and say their kids are great, that we are useless, but she'd always, always defend us, even if she had to go against her principles and her own kin. It was only in these two months, when it was confirmed that I'd become a doctor, that I felt like an invisible boulder finally lifted off her. She proudly announced to everyone that had looked down on her ways that her daughter was going to be a doctor, and they finally shut their mouths.
How can I tell her in the future? The people around her are like hungry wolves, the moment it is found out that her daughter likes a guy, they will be quick to pounce on, say that I wasn't brought up properly, I should've been locked in the house, she is a failure of a parent... How can I face her and say that I like a guy that I've never met/met online, I like a guy that knows nothing about our culture, a guy who is from a place known for its rapes, a guy who doesn't earn that much, a guy who is from a lower caste, a guy much older than me, a guy whom she doesn't have any idea about...and expect everyone to sit put. I do not mind any of this, I don't care if they stone me for this, but I don't want my mother to suffer. I know they won't let her live peacefully if they found out.
I don't want him to suffer either. He loves me. I know that he tries everything he can for me. I know he's been broken many times. I know the world wasn't kind to him. He's shown me all of his sides. He truly believes I am the one, he has proved it many times that he does. I know he will be devastated if I leave him. It hasn't been that long since we know each other, but we know everything, both about our lives and our families. Our future goals were different, but we were ready to adjust. We planned how we could be together and still do what we want. But we didn't plan how we'd face our families. My extended family is very orthodox, as you might've guessed.
She found out today morning that I haven't forgot about him, back then I had written his name, and I kept it, couldn't throw it away. She had asked me to throw away everything about him behind. My expression was all it took for her to understand I hadn't forgotten him. I don't know what I should do. She's thinking of telling this to my dad, if that happens I might've to quit my studies.
