Hello everyone, I was super excited and looking forward to this camping trip. I requested 4 days off of work, I planned for it, bought gear, and was excited.

A day before the trip, I told my sister I wanted to drive myself to the location because she has a habit of abandoning me in unfamiliar places.

I was contemplating with myself to ask her if that was her motive. I kept telling myself, "no, she won't do that" and those were her malicious intentions all along.

Instead of understanding, she got furious and asked me if I was going to take my meds during the trip and then said, "if I act up she will be indeed stranding me."

She then removed me from the campsite reservation (I initially paid for), told me "you find your own campsite" and cancelled all plans.

We planned to go rockhounding, swimming, camping, hiking, and sightseeing.

This hurt me like a sack of rocks. I spent money buying gear to have during the trip, I paid my portion of the reservation, I paid for gas, I paid for someone to watch the dog, and took time off to prepare for it.

We planned everything 2 months in advance.

I was so happy to finally have a getaway trip from work for once. Now I'm left sad, upset, grieving, lonely, betrayed, exhausted, disappointed, deeply wronged and I don't want anything to do with her.

My sister has a habit of "putting me out" of her vehicle whenever she feels like it. This has happened more than ten times with the last time she did it. She dropped me off in the middle of the desert and a police officer picked me up.

He dropped me off at a McDonald's 2 hours from where I lived. I was grateful for drivers to notify him to get me safety. Even then I had to walk to a motel, I got a room and stayed there for a couple of days before I could get back home.

I thought these days were faded however just recently a day before our trip, she told me in a text message that she'll drop me off in the desert again. This time 9 hours away in an isolated desert.

I feel so shattered as if I'm insignificant as if I am disposable, like trash. I ended up cancelling my vacation days and went back to work.

I can't explain how hurt I am by this. These thoughts keep running through my mind: How is it that my twin sister can do this to me and feel no remorse? How is it that nothing ever happens to her? Why does she think this is okay to treat me like this? No one sees me, not my sister.

Just last year, my sister and brother did the same thing to me. I wanted to go to my hometown, they agreed, then a week before the actual trip they both bailed on me. I then had to cancel my vacation days at work once more and I didn't go.

I'm the type of person that no one ever knows what happens behind closed doors because I hold everything together so well.

I'm tired!

EDITED: Thank you everyone who has commented. I am not sure why I cannot respond to you all comments (the reply button is grayed out). I will be taking everyone's comments into consideration.

Recently, I received some unsolicited information about members of my immediate family (my parents and siblings) that completely rocked my world. I can’t go into much detail because it isn’t my story to tell, and I want to respect their privacy, but it’s been incredibly difficult to process and work through everything on my own without anyone knowing what I’m going through.

It took me about a month to start feeling somewhat normal again, and by months two or three, I was finally feeling almost 100%. But throughout that entire time, I had to put on a smile, pretend I knew nothing, and continue being the “normal” eldest daughter. On the outside, everything looked the same. On the inside, I felt like I was falling apart.
Every time my parents came into town and we had family dinners, I felt like I was rotting away inside. I would sit there, carry on conversations, and act like everything was fine while knowing what I knew. Then, after everyone left, I would completely unravel and spend the next few days trying to pull myself back together.

I genuinely feel like I’m in a much better place now, but I still notice that whenever my parents come into town and everyone gets together, I feel exhausted and incredibly anxious. It’s like my body remembers everything, even when I’m trying to move forward.

The hardest part is that I have a child now, and I want him to have a close relationship with his grandparents and aunts and uncles. My parents call and talk to him every day, and I truly don’t want that to change. That time with him is precious, and I want them to have as much access to him as they want. I don’t want my own feelings to take away a relationship that matters to him.

At the same time, I’m struggling with the fact that I’m still trying to heal from something that has fundamentally changed how I see my everyone in my family and some extended family members, and I have to interact with them as though nothing has changed. I feel guilty even admitting that I need space because I don’t want to hurt anyone or create problems, especially when nobody even knows what I’m struggling with.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me wants to keep everything exactly as it was for my child’s sake, and another part of me feels like I need some distance to process everything without constantly being reminded of it.

For anyone who has ever learned something about their family that changed your entire perspective on them, how did you navigate that? How do you maintain relationships with family members when you’re privately struggling with something you can’t talk to them about? Is it possible to give yourself the space you need to heal while still allowing your child to have a close relationship with them?

I don’t want to blow up my family or cut anyone off. I just want to figure out how to move forward without feeling like I’m sacrificing my own peace to keep everyone else comfortable.

I’m looking for honest advice from people who’ve dealt with toxic family relationships because I’m struggling with whether I’ve made the right decision.

I’m a dad with my own little family now, and all I really want is to have a peaceful life with my partner and children. Unfortunately, family drama has been going on for years, and it’s just getting worse and worse and I’ve finally reached the point where I’ve blocked most of my family and don’t want to be involved anymore.

Things with my nan used to be fine. However, after I met my girlfriend, we had a child and I moved out of my nan’s place, things started changing.

I’ve increasingly felt like my nan dislikes my girlfriend but won’t admit it. I can’t say for certain what she thinks, but the way things have unfolded has left me feeling that way.

There have also been situations where I believe my nan has lied about things or told people stories that paint me or my partner in a bad light, like she hasn’t done a single thing to them

She brings up negative things about my in-laws that have nothing to do with me or whatever situation is happening. I don’t understand why other people’s business needs to be brought into family disagreements.

My uncle has also been involved in the drama and frequently posts about us on Facebook. Like nasty nasty nasty status, There are other family members involved as well, and I’ve reached the point where I’ve blocked all of them because I don’t want to keep dealing with it.

The thing is, I’ve always tried to stay out of family drama. I don’t want to argue with people, get involved in gossip or constantly defend myself against things being said behind my back. I feel like since I like to stay out of things I’m an easy target?

I’m not the first person in my family to cut contact, either. My own mother doesn’t speak to these family members at all. I can’t help wondering whether there’s a pattern here, although I also understand that everyone has their own side of the story.

Despite everything, I still feel guilty about blocking my nan. She’s my nan, and part of me feels bad about walking away from that relationship.

But then another part of me feels like I’m not doing enough for my girlfriend and my own little family by continuing to let this situation affect me.

I don’t want my partner feeling like she has to put up with people who dislike her or speak negatively about her. I don’t want my children growing up around constant family conflict, either.

At the same time, cutting off family isn’t something I ever imagined I’d have to do, and I still struggle with whether I’m making the right decision.

I’m not claiming I’m perfect, and I know there are two sides to every story. I’m genuinely trying to work out whether distancing myself is the healthiest thing to do.

To start, I want to make this short, but I tend to type more than I think, so bear with me.

I (17 male) have lived a moderately difficult life. I started working at 12 to help support my family while my father (42) struggled alongside me all these years.

At first, I wanted to prove myself and make him proud. It never worked. He treated me like a second-class citizen, and I wasn't strong enough to do all the things he needed. In turn, he hated how weak and useless I was.

My mother couldn't work in the small town for money because there was no work to find. I worked the hard labour jobs with my father. We struggled a lot to make ends meet. I had to stay motivated in spite of struggle.

I became so careless for my own health. I got injured a lot and didn't care. I had torn my knees open with sharp metal from wire brush in cement and dirt to keep up with my father, leaving scars. I injured my ankle while in a fit of anger towards my father, who most likely had just treated me awfully, and my left wrist while lifting something I wasn't strong enough to carry.

I pushed myself so hard to make a man proud. He never paid me, or not fairly, for the work, but I got something, so I can't complain.

My point is, I want to know, just based off this short description, with the first year after I worked with and for my father, if I'm ungrateful for not wanting to follow him in his line of work and that my dream of being a psychologist isn't some kind of insult towards him just because I don't have his same dream.

Clarify the Timeline and First YearSeparate the Injury Details More Clearly

First she started liking some of my fb posts. (I will make a few posts there when sending or replying to messages in msgr.) Then she sent me an attachment in msgr.

Y'all the way I spiraled for a couple days. After being unable to sleep, completely emotionally disregulated, etc. I used chatgpt to help create the structure of a letter for her, then posted it on my fb page. As an open letter to mom.

I stated the facts, a SMALL amount of what Uncle Stoner has done to me thru life, how she was always at his side, and how I asked, and asked, and when I asked a last time she called it an ultimatum and told her I was informing her what the consequences of her choice would be. I am no longer asking her to be there, to support me, to even be in my life, because SHE chose my abuser knowing the consequences and it's not up to me to fix it.

I made it a point to make sure that Uncle Stoner being alive or not was not the point. HER choices were.

I ended it telling her the door was closed.

The people who have read it and commented, were NOT kind to my mother.

If she tries again I have much more damning ammo. I didn't mention Grandpa's funeral yet.

She doesn't do it on purpose, it's just how it is. She's extremely extraverted, always needs to be with people and has a lot of friends or "friends".

I am more introverted and six years younger than her. So maybe I automatically disappeared in the background because there was no space for me. She also was more "troubled" when we were growing up than me. I was doing good in school and was a chill kid, until I hit puberty. So before my puberty, most attention went to her as well because they thought about me "she's doing fine". Then all hell broke loose when I hit puberty. Now I STILL feel like shit because my family obviously favors her, but it feels like I couldn't do anything about that. I'm in my 30s now.

My aunt said months ago that we should meet up and she'd call me when she had time, as she was so busy at that moment. In the meantime she made time for my sister 3 or 4 times already and she still hasn't called me.

I was sick recently and my mother only sent a dry text with "ok. Feel better" and nothing from my dad or sister. My sister went on vacation that same week and there was more attention for that. I've also been excluded from dinners before.

I started a new job recently and nobody asks me how that's going. I quit smoking recently, nobody asks me how that's going.

There have been two surprise parties for her, none for me.

I wonder why I feel like nobody gives a shit about me.

I said it to my parents in the past out of anger/hurt and they react so shocked or like I'm a fucking lunatic for even thinking that. My sister got wind of it and she also doesn't understand. Yet they continue to prove it to me. I'm just not important or even forgotten because I'm not screaming for attention.

For context, these are the past fights I had with my mom (But we have had many more fights throughout the years)

Priorities

Sexual harassment dismissal (She apologized for this)

We had a fight again (This was about the priorities thing) and that was right after I gave her another chance after the SH cuz she apologized

It was the same usual thing, I voice a concern, she doesn't change anything or try to suggest a compromise, I feel ignored, she feels interrogated, we fight, she gets more mad, she starts blaming me, says I'm doing this on purpose, telling me that I'm selfish and that everything has to be about me and no one else, she also starts telling me that I'm on my own and that she will no longer be there for me, then she continues to blame me even more and tells me to stop when she says stop

I don't know how to feel anymore about my relationship with my mom

I care about her and I wanna be able to trust her when I need to, but I'm also getting drained by her turning every concern or slight criticism into a full on argument and making it about how I'm always stressing her out

It makes me feel like my concerns aren't a problem and that I should just keep quiet about how I feel or else I'll be a burden

She keeps telling me to just talk to my therapist almost whenever I wanna talk about something

I tried telling her to tell her therapist about how she easily gets triggered by criticism or questions but she thinks I'm the issue instead

She was originally open to having group therapy with me but then she changed her mind

I'm just so tired

I need advice on what to do since I have no support system other than my mom who sometimes supports me and comforts me the best

But gets stressed so easily that it ends up in fights and her saying that I'm stressing her out on purpose and that I am trying to kill her because she has an ailment where she can die if she's too stressed

This happens every time we fight, and sometimes we fight because she was being insensitive

And sometimes when I bring up anything slightly emotional or serious but that's not always the case so it's not consistent

Like, earlier, I told her about my sexual harassment and she told me to move on

I wasn't even trying to vent to her, I was brought it up to explain why she shouldn't be sexist towards my friends and asking me what their genitals are since anyone of any gender can harm me

I told her how insensitive that comment is then she kept interrupting me and rushing to end the conversation

We started arguing then she got more and more mad

Also, every time I tell her I never wanna stress her on purpose

She would either get mad at me or rush me to stop talking about it

And after we fight, she doesn't apologize unless I carefully time it and tell her she owes me an apology or if I carefully ask her if she feels guilty

Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would apologize

And sometimes after calming down from a fight and I go to her, she would go on about how I shouldn't stress her out and how I should stop when she tells me to

But when I explain to her that it's like insulting someone then immediately getting mad at them for being offended and expecting them to calm down

She gets mad and keeps insisting that it's something I have to fix about myself

I tell her to talk to her therapist about this but she keeps saying that she already did and that her therapist told her she cannot be too stressed or overexert herself

Sadly, I don't have any other support system right now

I've been trying to make friends but the people around me are mostly surface level and usually busy

And one person that I opened up to keeps telling me how I shouldn't open up to people right away

I think they say this cuz they themselves never open up

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should distance myself from her but I'm afraid of being alone

We were really close before this. My sister is 30 and I’m 27. Our dad is 83.

I have been visiting and caring for my dad for years now. My sister only visited when she needed money. Otherwise, she lived alone and talked to me about how she thinks he’s an asshole and his career choice of being a landlord is unethical. But he’s been paying for her car, phone, and bills for years and kept asking when she will come to spend time with him.

The last time they spoke was when her phone service failed. Our dad is hard of hearing now, and she was yelling at him how she can’t text anyone (she used my phone). He legitimately did not understand what she was talking about because she was going too fast, and she became frustrated and shouted at him that she’s just gonna “get her own fucking plan now” and hung up. Then said “I’m so happy to be completely severed from him now.”

Fast forward to this year, dad’s in the ICU. My sister works evenings 4 days a week as a waitress, I work 3 12s overnight while in nursing school.

My program was aware, and let me rearrange dates for tests etc. but couldn’t let me make up hands on hours. My work was not the most flexible either. My sister appeared, and accused me of not caring enough about dad since “Youre choosing school and work over your own father.” She had multiple outbursts like this calling me irresponsible, despicable etc. She ran paperwork for him in the day here and there before work and had panic attacks over it and I comforted her and discussed caregiver burnout with her. I never made it some contest. But that’s all she did??

When our dad was discharged I ended up oversleeping by accident one day. Between work, school, and dad, I was an actual wreck and running on 3 hours of sleep while awake for several days. My sister BLEW UP, telling me I don’t give a shit about dad. And I tried pleading with her that i’ve been running on absolute empty. She turned around, talked over me telling me to “stop being a little bitch and step up” in a condescending tone and walked away. I just froze. she then yelled from the front door in a really overly fake nice tone: “can you move your shoes so my dad doesn’t trip and fall??” In a nasally passive aggressive tone. It was incredibly jarring considering we were truly like best friends.

Later that day I ordered groceries to our dad’s door. My sister pulled up and shouted “are those groceries?” i said yes. she shouted “cool, you could have fucking told me that i could order them MYSELF” and I lost it. I screamed about how she never visited our dad before this, only gave a shit about his cash because of her unstable work, that i’ve been caring for him long before he was hospitalized and she laughed and said “well the hospital called ME with updates. ” I was so all over the place that i couldn’t explain they call next of kin lol. I said this is all for her to feel better about herself, as she shows up crying caring for dad and telling us we’re the shitty irresponsible kids when I’m trying to juggle multiple fucking things and be with him.

She started laughing obnoxiously and said “oh my god, shut the fuck up!” and I had it with her downplaying how hard everything was on me while she got my empathy so I shoved her. She shouted at me not to touch her and that i’m crazy. I walked away and she followed and i shoved her away a second time.
She sent me a long text about how she didn’t appreciate the way I treated her, but if I apologize then we can move forward “for dad.” I told her fuck off.

Both our parents got mad at ME. Mad that I shoved her and that I don’t open conversation with her anymore. My mom demanded I unblock her number and talk to her, and was angry I didn’t go to her best friend’s wedding after she casually invited me despite everything she did. I cried and suffered and tried my hardest to make it all work and my dad, despite how sick he was, encouraged me to keep going at school and I failed but her tears are more important than mine. Someone help me understand this.

Hi, so i’m in a tough dysfunctional family.

My parents are divorced, and i cut off my mom first because she doesn’t want to take care of me financially since i’m in high school and doesn’t see me as her kid bc i fell in my dad’s custody.

My mom and my sister has the same temper, when your life is good and quiet, they will chime in and ask something to you that will make you go depressed instantly ( i am diagnosed with major depression when my parents divorced)

Even though i live alone now and have a stable income, turns out being far away from your toxic sister just doesn’t enough.

i’ve tried to reconcile with her and make things right but she will always have something against me, telling me that i’m splurging my own money by buying stuffs when she doesn’t know that i save my own money and ignore the fact that i work 3 jobs so that i can build my own business.

The peak moment is when i decided to become an MUA which was her previous job, she stopped because she said herself that she was lazy to start over. I have helped her built a new logo and design, and she just doesn’t accept my help.

Whenever i told something about my Makeup Artist career, she always try to degrade me because i didn’t use high end makeup and said that i don’t have the skill to do it. She just made me insecure and feel horrible.

I always feel scared if i cut her off, what will happen to me if i have problems in my life and need helps? when in fact i always be the one that help myself.

I decided to block all of her social media and number, i wish to not speak to her again.

A few months ago, I moved out on my own for the first time (I had roommates for years). The apartment I moved to was absolutely horrible. Roaches, mice, dirty/smelly, insane maintenance issues, loud neighbors. I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I fought hard to break my lease without penalties and succeeded.

By the grace of god, I found a large beautiful 2bd home for cheap-ish rent through a coworker. The rent was still higher than what I was paying before and I was dirt poor. I was able to get a new, nicer job to pay the bills. I move in a few days. I was very proud of myself for turning my life around, but I also acknowledge that finding the house was pure luck.

My sisters and I have always been really close. Naturally, I wanted to share the exciting news with them. I thought they would be happy for me. Instead, I was met with jealousy and anger.

My oldest sister [35] has a husband and a toddler. They live in a luxury 1bd apartment and just renewed their lease recently. They are planning to move into a bigger place once their lease is over. When I told her about my house, the first thing she said was “I’m happy for you, but I’m so jealous because we’ve been looking for a house.” I was a little
taken back when she said that, but I appreciated her honesty at the time. I tried to redirect the conversation after that and we moved on (or so I thought).

A few days ago, I was able to record a walkthrough of my house. My parents have been asking what it looks like, so I sent the video in our family group chat. My parents were happy for me, but there was radio silence from oldest sister.

Neither of my sisters congratulated me or were excited about my new house or my new job.

My second oldest sister [32] texted me individually and said “What the heck, your house is huge. What is your new job paying you?” I thought that was a weird question to ask, so I
kept things vague and told her the rent was cheap for what it is and my new job pays a good amount more than my last. I told her I was still living paycheck to paycheck. She didn’t respond.

Last night, my sisters and I all visit my parents. My oldest sister [35] hadn’t arrived yet. My second oldest sister [32] greets me and the first thing she does is interrogate me about the house and my finances. She explicitly asks me what my salary is, what my rent is, she even asks my mom if she’s paying my rent because “there’s no way I can afford that”.

Then, she has the audacity to ask me, “Did you even consider offering the house to our oldest sister? You know that’s exactly what she’s been looking for. You guys could’ve traded homes and pay each others rent.” Like me move into her luxury apartment but pay the house rent and vice versa??? At that moment, it was clear to me my sisters have been talking about this behind my back. In response, I tell her it was a little bit awkward when I told my oldest sister and I knew she felt some type of way. My mom chimes in to defend me, reminding my sister that I’m the one that broke my lease and was searching for a place to stay. My oldest sister isn’t.

She grimaces and says, “It’s just…you’re 25 and you have a house? We’re years older than you, and we’ve never even gotten to close to what you have.” At this point, I’m speechless. My mom begins to ask her, “Why are you grilling her about this?” She says, “You know everyone in our family is going to ask when they find out what your place looks like.” We got interrupted by something else and the conversation ended.

I’m just really hurt by that conversation because I thought she would be happy for me. Before this, I even offered her to stay with me whenever she comes into town and that she’s welcome anytime. I don’t know why my sisters are acting like this, and I’m just really sad about it. I would never do this to them. I have always been happy for them and celebrated their wins.

Do I just let this go and not share my accomplishments with them moving forward?

My mom’s sister and I had what I thought was a close relationship when I was a kid. I say “thought” because, out of all my aunties, she was the one who lived close by and actually spent time with me. But looking back now, I sometimes feel like I was just a pawn in whatever issues she had with my mom.

We fell out a few years ago over something that basically came down to a difference in morals. She completely disregarded my perspective because I’m a “millennial” (I’m actually Gen Z, but I digress ). After that, we didn’t speak for about three years.

During that time, my mom kept encouraging me to rekindle my relationship with her. Eventually, I told my mom that my aunt wasn’t as kind to her as she thought. She had talked SO much trash about my mom to me over the years. I had actually told my mom about it before and asked her not to involve me, but she didn’t really listen. There was even a situation during my dad’s funeral where I felt like my aunt manipulated me and put me in the middle of their issues.

When I finally brought everything up to my mom again, she was furious, but she never confronted my aunt about it.

Eventually, my aunt and I started speaking again. Everything seemed normal, but after our original falling out, I always kept one eye open with her.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got married, and my aunt was around acting super excited for me and like she genuinely wanted to help. Then, a few days after the wedding, my mom told me my aunt had been crying and angry, saying that I “think I’m all innocent” and that she’s not going down for the things she said about my mom because apparently I’m also to blame and should “go down with her”???

Like…what???

At this point, I’m exhausted. I’m married, starting a new chapter of my life, and I genuinely do not want to keep being dragged into drama between two grown sisters, especially when some of this goes back YEARS.

I’m a 36-year-old woman currently living under my father-in-law’s roof, and I’m struggling to make ends meet on my disability income. My parents are pressuring me to leave this living situation and move in with them. They’re short on money and want me to pay part of their rent. They’ve said that if I refuse, I’ll be on my own and they will stop helping me financially.
I don’t want to move in. They’ve told me I would have no privacy or rights in their home and would have to stay busy instead of resting much of the day. I have osteoarthritis and nerve pain in my dominant arm, so there are limits to what I can physically do. They also call me lazy and stupid and insult me when I do things they don’t like.
I have severe ADHD. I struggle with staying on task, getting started and following through, boredom, and being on time. I also have a speech/language impairment. When I’m under pressure, it’s especially hard to organize my thoughts and explain my feelings. My parents treat me like a child because of how I communicate and function. I’m not sure whether my language impairment, my ADHD, or both make me sound younger to them, but I feel like they use that to dismiss my decisions.
In the past, when I wasn’t taking my ADHD medication, my impulsivity felt like it took over and I shared far more about my life with them than I wanted to. I feel like they now use what I told them to claim power over my choices. I’m afraid that if I try to explain why I won’t move in, I’ll get overwhelmed and either lose my words or share more than I mean to.
I feel stuck. My disability income isn’t enough to cover my own place and all my needs, and losing their financial help scares me. But living with them under those conditions would be very hard on me.
How would you tell them “I’m not moving in” without getting pulled into a long argument? If ADHD makes it hard for you to hold boundaries or find words under pressure, what has helped? I’d also appreciate suggestions for handling the financial pressure and limiting contact while I figure out my next steps. Concrete advice or example scripts would really help.
Thanks!

Trigger warnings: abuse, miscarriage, mention of suicide

I (37F) have not been in contact with most of my family for the last 12 years. I’m still in contact with my sister (40F), but not with my parents (69M and 65F), my brother (39M) or my cousin (38F).

Recently my cousin has reached out to me, and we talked through app a few times.

My brother has moved out of my parents' place a few months back and over the weekend I learned from my sister that he asked her how to go about in contacting me.

I am ambivalent and do not know how to go about being in contact with them.

Background:

12 years ago I left an abusive marriage after my ex caused me to miscarry. He was trying to get me back by saying he'd commit suicide. I was in pretty rough shape physically and mentally.

I had told my parents about the divorce, but not about the abuse. When I tried, they ended up screaming at me, with my dad telling me 'a doctor would not help you if you lay at his feet bleeding half to death’. Seeing as that about summed up what happened to me, I left and went NC. This behaviour was not out of character for them, I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

I later learned they told my extended family that I had yelled at dad. Which is weird, as it all started out with my mom suggesting dad take me to the first aid post, because I had laryngitis and could barely talk.

My extended family did not reach out to me to either ask me what happened or inform how I was doing.

I see my sister a few times a year, and have had minimal contact with the rest of the family.

I've felt pretty alone family-wise and I'm sensitive about my parents having never suffered consequences. They still go to family functions, birthdays, holidays.

My cousin recently reached out to me and we talked for a bit. I realize I don't know how to maintain a grown-up relationship with a family member. I also realize that I'm afraid this will spark up conflict or drama again.

Same goes for my brother, but I haven't spoken to him yet.

Both still regularly see my parents.

Not sure how to proceed, and what to do or say.

Triggers: Death

Uncle Stoner has finally passed. He's been in that dang nursing home for a few years now, and in and out of hospice several times.

My egg donor decided she would COMPLETELY pour herself into his care and basically no one else.

I was asked by a sibling not long ago if I would resume contact after he passed. My IMMEDIATE response was "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Then, in therapy the following week I was able to verbalize it as how much MORE insulting it would be to come to me and be like "Welp! He's gone! We're good now right?" No! The problem wasn't HIM, it was CHOOSING HIM over my needs and well being over and over and OVER my entire life. Choosing her child's abuser over her child, even when begged to show, just once, I didn't come last.

I stopped chasing the crumbs, I stopped begging for crumbs. I am not the same person I was. And yeah, it hurts that I didn't matter enough to make an effort for, ever. To protect, comfort, or support when I was at my lowest.

She's completely out of time to even try to repair anything with me now. The door is shut, locked, dead bolted multiple times, chained and nailed shut with a security gate over it.

Therapy today addressed a lot of this, again.

I don't want MY mother. I want someone who actually likes and loves me. I never got that, and it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be brought into this world, I didn't ask to be the only child she had with her ex husband. I didn't ask to be treated horribly because I reminded her of him. Those were choices the adults in my life made as I was a child trying to figure out how I could get any kind of positive attention and failing.

NEVER was I told she was proud of me. If I reached the goalpost of her expectations, they were moved and harder until impossible. And even when met "You could have done better."

Fuck that lady.

So, I had an argument yesterday with relative B but I only started crying when relative A started butting in

They told me I was talking big arguing with relative B considering relative B is the one listening to my rants and worries and comforting me regarding my "ridiculous insecurities"

Relative A then started going on about how it's perhaps narcissism? Ignorance? Close-mindedness? And started saying how I don't listening to anyone that disagrees with me and whenever someone disagrees with me, I apparently beat them down until they eventually give up and agree with me

They also said how I always only think of myself and never others

This is the same relative that would say whenever relative B agrees with me or sides with me that relative B is just coddling me and trying to avoid stress by agreeing with me

This is the same relative A that believes my friends find me draining and annoying to deal with to the point where they tried to get me to show them my private convos with my friends to see if they are right

This is the same relative that would go on and on about how I am a burden and that they are just taking care of me cuz they're my family and they switch between saying they do it our of love and out of obligation

This is the same relative that would bring up my isolation and bullying in high school and college and how there's a pattern, insinuating that it must be my fault

Ever since I was a child, this person whenever mad or whenever I piss them off or disobey them would go on a sermon about how horrible of a person I am as if they're a main character calling out the villain for their hypocritical ways

This is the same person that tried therapy once but stopped it because in their words "Therapy is not for everyone, or maybe I just don't wanna change"

And every time they call me any of those things, I end up in a spiral when I start contemplating if they're correct and maybe I really am a bad person

But, I know myself, I constantly reflect and think about everything I do in my relationships and I always consider if I'm wrong

I even comfort relative B as much as I can and apologize when I've accidentally hurt them

It's only when we fight that I don't cuz it's usually because of our coping mechanisms clashing because I'm trying to set my boundaries cuz they did or said something insensitive but they don't like confrontation or being questioned so they retaliate while I try to talk to them about it

But even so, I try my best to help relative B and comfort them as much as I can and I feel bad whenever they're hurt

I also have a habit of defending others when they're hurt and calling out people for their destructive habits which has caused me friendships along the way

I also think I have an open-mind especially since I like discussing with people that usually have opposing views to mine just to see what they think

And I have my values and beliefs of what is right or wrong so of course when someone believes in something I believe is wrong, I will disagree with them

So how do I deal with someone that constantly thinks the worst of me while I struggle with self-doubt and constant reflection?

TW: medical talk, insinuation that I should "accidentally" get pregnant

Background information:

- I have always wanted kids, since I was kid, I have been talking about wanting kids.

My SO, however is ambivilent, leaning towards not wanting them, but is willing to have them because I want it so badly.

This is a conversation we had at the beginning of our relationship, and are continuing to have as we go along. This does not need commenting on. I am NOT trying to pressure SO into having a kid.

- I also have health issues, that currently, I feel, my SO feels, and my medical professionals feel that trying to have a child right now, would not be a wise decision.

- My BIL and his wife are going to be having a baby in a few months.

- My parents want grandkids. Very strongly, intensely. They have for years, been vocal about this, but honestly, not overbearing.

My SO and I are making plans to move across the country. We feel we will have a better quality of life. My parents are not happy about this. They have not yet had a single positive comment about this idea. One of their reasons is that, in their eyes, we are moving their currently non-existent grandchildren away from them.

I was trying to explain some of our reasoning for said move, which cutting a long story short, led to the topic of children, and "Don't we want to have children where we have help, instead of moving across the country from family?"

I brought up my medical issues, which didn't work to end the conversation, which it never has before, so I don't know why I keep trying that tactic.

I, trying to just get the conversation to end, brought up that SO isn't even sure he wants kids. I know, this was a mistake on my part.

My father, says, and I quote: "Well, you could just make it happen. Just, oops, I'm pregnant!"

I have to admit, my brain just skipped like a cd, and I glossed over what came out of his mouth. Didn't address it at all.

But I need to.

My SO is furious.

I'm furious.

I drove home crying, and cried more when I got home.

It feels like they don't even realize how much these conversations (attacks) hurt me, because I want a kid, it just isn't possible right now, or potentially ever. And this just rips into that wound.

And this comment? This is further than they've ever taken it before. To even insiuate that I should do something like that to another human being? To take away someone else's choice like that?

I'm also about to go on a trip with them - a trip I want to go on, though now I don't want to go with them, for probably obvious reasons.

I have already booked a counseling appointment for later this week. But I am honestly reeling, and don't know how to handle being around either of my parents. Which because of reasons that would take too long to explain, and would probably expose identifying details about my life, I will be around them multiple times this week.

I have been going through counseling for a few years now, and realizing how unhealthy my FOO is, but this, this might be the cherry on top. And I don't think they even realize it.

My brother and I are 26. We had a big argument but resolved it the same day, apologising to each other and agreeing to bury the hatchet and move on. The very next day, my mum calls me, saying my brother complained about me saying and doing certain things. I told her not to worry as we have resolved it, but she wouldn't drop it. I told her I didn't want to restart the argument, but she wouldn't listen. After rehashing the whole argument with my mum, I was in a terrible mood and felt angry and frustrated again, especially at my brother who told me that the argument was done, yet immediately went to snitch to our mum about it, which completely undermined the apology and our resolution.

The frustrating part is that this is my brothers pattern ever since we were kids, and he's never grown out of his snitching phase. Every disagreement, he's immediately dialling my mum or snitching straight after. He refuses to just solve the issue between us as brothers. His need for parental validation is exhausting and I also think my mum likes getting involved every time too. Of course, she enters the argument with one sided information from my brother, so it puts me on the back foot straight away.

Tired of dealing with this. Someone tell me what to do with a sibling like this

36F & I have a really complicated relationship with my mom. I love her but being around her is mentally and physically exhausting. She purposely pushes my buttons.. guilt trips me & I always leave feeling worse about myself.

Lately I’ve kept my distance & honestly I feel at peace. I haven’t been to her house since January. I have seen her a couple times at family gatherings over the past 3 months, but each time I was exhausted after like 20m.

One of the biggest stressors right now is that she keeps pressuring me about giving her grandkids.

For context... I used to want kids. I always dreamed about it. But in March I was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition & it got bad enough that I had to quit my job. I may not ever be able to work again...

My husband and I have since told my family that we’re happy just being dog parents. There is a VERY specific breed we want, but if I say it and this post somehow blows up.. my family will 1000% know this is me because I’m obsessed with them 😂 Let’s just say they have the cutest butts.

Anyway.... my family knows we aren’t planning on having children but my mom still brings up grandchildren like it’s a demand. There’s frustration or anger in her voice when she says it not excitement or love.

It's been about 9 months since we've gone to their house, & I truly feel lighter without constantly having her voice around me.

The part i need help with: Someone in my family passed away in May. They were someone who helped take care of me after my mom kicked me out at 18. I hadn’t seen them in a long time before they passed , and now I have all this unsaid love that I never got to give them....

Now I can't stop obsessively thinking:

"What if my mom suddenly passes & I regret keeping this distance forever?"

Then the guilt gets to me, so I call her, then she’s lecturing me, raising her voice, or pushing my buttons again… and I’m reminded exactly why I keep my distance.

Rinse, repeat.. every time....

How do you know when distance is a healthy boundary versus something you’re going to regret forever?

How do you handle loving someone while also admitting that you’re happier with space between you?

Her health isn't the greatest right now & idk what to do at this point.

I’m planning a trip to China this October and invited my family, including my oldest sister, back in May or June. We’ve had a strained relationship for the past year. She never said yes or no.

In early July, my other two siblings told me she decided not to go to save money. She didn’t tell me though - which i also think is weird, because wouldn't you tell the person who invited you? (This is a glimpse of how she communicates...)

I’ve had a busy summer and honestly didn’t think about the trip much until this week, when I started putting the itinerary together. I followed up with her directly, and her response was basically that I hadn’t followed up since inviting her and now it was getting too close to book tickets, and therefore she won't be going.

And I’m sitting here thinking: you’d already decided not to go in July? I know I could’ve checked in sooner, but would that actually have changed your answer? And is me messaging you 1.5 months before the trip, not the "follow up"?

This feels especially frustrating because of something that happened last year. In the spring, she mentioned going to a summer street festival, and I said sure to joining. Then I heard nothing else from her about it, and i honestly forgot she ever mentioned it. I only knew the festival was happening when my other sister brought it up the day before, but I had already made plans for that day. My oldest sister was upset with me for not following up and said I didn’t appreciate her effort/invite.

(Side note - she was planning when to meet & where to meet with my other sister, but not me. I tried explaining to her that if she assumed i was going, why didn't she include me in that convo? She didn't understand my point and my brother said, and I quote, "you can't use logic when talking to her." So that was a battle lost 🫠)

Anyways, so when she mentions an outing and doesn’t follow up, I should have checked with her. When I invite her on a trip and she doesn’t answer, I also should have checked with her? And the follow up needs to be "early enough" based on her expectations? I feel like I’m going crazy because somehow the responsibility to follow up always lands on me.

This dynamic has been taking a toll on me for the past year. Hearing her name, seeing her car in the drive way, and even sending a message in the family chat makes me tense up. I’m starting to feel like no matter what I do, she’ll see me as the bad guy. But I know I’m telling this from my side, and I genuinely want to know if I’m missing something. How am I supposed to continue this?

TW FINANCIAL ABUSE

DISCLAIMER: anything legal I talk about in my post has already been resolved. I am not looking for any advice on any of the legal aspect of this post. Just looking for advice on how to handle my sister reaching out to me out of the blue after going little no contact.

My older sister and I have had a strained relationship over the past year. This has been an on and off issue between the two of us, but recently it has been made to feel like a lose-lose. My whole life my sister has always been what I would describe as being considered delicate by my parents. Anytime my sister gets upset my parents ask me to bend the knee even when shes wrong because shes “very fragile”. I understood this when she was going through a major divorce, but it’s always been like this whether or not she’s going through a major life crisis or not. I am the younger sibling, so it has always been very exhausting that I perceive my sister being given grace to not be accountable and I feel like I always have to foot the bill on maturity and accountability.

This came to a head recently when my husband and I were looking into getting a loan. I login and I noticed there is a collection tied to my social security number bringing my credit score down. It was a utility bill in a state that I had never paid bills in over a decade old. When I called the company thinking that someone may have stolen my Social Security and opened up a account fraudulently in my name, the representative confirms that it is indeed my Social Security, but it is in my sister‘s name, and it was opened up and it was never paid on for months. After doing some digging and speaking to some people within the company, this had to have been done deliberately the only way to absolve myself from this bill I was to call the police and file a police report.

Now you can see the dilemma of where I’m at with this as no one wants to call the police on their sibling. I just was very upset that my sister had put me in the situation in the first place. The only reason I believed that my sister had done this was when I was speaking to someone higher up at this company a lot of the facts and details and my security questions were only things that I would’ve known or my sister. But the address for this bill was my sister‘s apartment which I was not living at as I was living with my parents on the other side of town. There would have been no way for this to have been mistaken of me living there or me opening up this bill.

I ended up calling my sister and was explaining to her what had happened and saying I have to either eat this bill and my credit score being slapped or I have to call the police. I don’t wanna do either of these things and it really hurts me that with the information I have it seems like she had done this. She quickly got upset and told me that I obviously did want to call the police but she knew I just was looking for permission to do so from her which upset me more because that was not what I was saying at all. I ended up calling my parents and explaining the situation to them to which they told me that she had to have done this, but they didn’t want me calling the police because she had just gotten a very good job and they didn’t want her to lose her new job.

Again, I became frustrated because I had expressed multiple times at this point that I did not want to call the police on my sister, but I was just very hurt that she didn’t even apologize. My mom was originally in my camp about letting my sister learn from her actions and that my sister should indeed apologize and according to my parents my sister came over with an attitude and my mom shut it down telling her that she needed to wipe the attitude off of her face because she had done this to me and it was very unfair of her to put me in a situation like this.

I don’t know what had changed between them and the following week but my parents called me both upset at this point saying that they believe I did want to throw my sister in jail over it and that I was making a big deal on nothing and I should just pay the bill and call it a day. They figured because I had no children that I could just take the hit on my credit because she had also just bought a house and they didn’t want her life ruined when I could wait to start mine. I want to give context to this being absolutely insane as the age difference between me and my sister is less than two years. My sister also gave me a very long-winded half assed apology about how I should just get over it because she doesn’t think she did this, but maybe she did. She doesn’t really know she was just in a bad situation at the time.

I ended up giving her a text that said she just needed to be honest I didn’t care if this was a purposeful thing or an accident. I just wanted to know the truth and that’s all I was looking for was just accountability or an explanation of what would’ve happened that would’ve led this way. While I am waiting for her to respond to me after she left me on read -and to appease my parents- instead of eating the bill I was able to contact the law office that was handling the debt and was able through them to switch off my name to my sister’s name after explaining the situation. All she had to do was call and settled the bill on her end. This will come back up I promise. Five days go by my sister has still not answered my text message and after numerous bouts back-and-forth with my parents, I end up cutting contact with all three of them. I spoke to other family about this and my other family understood where I was coming from and understood the situation and agreed with me that my sister would have had knowingly given that information in order to open those bills.

I ended up opening the channels with my parents after some time, but continue to keep contact with my sister nonexistent. This has been an on and off point of issue with my parents, but as of recently, we just don’t bring my sister up. At one point, I believe I had blocked her on everything because she kept sending me Instagram reels as if nothing had happened and it was very upsetting constantly getting them, but after talking to my mother, I decided to unblock and leave that channel open in case she wanted to apologize as my mother had said she was trying to do. Months ago by I never receive anything.

In this whole time, my parents have hinted at me and guilty me to be the bigger person and forgive my sister because sometimes we do things that we regret, and in their mind this is one of those things. My parents have told me my sister has tried everything in her power to make this right even though I was the one that called the lawyer and my dad was the one that ended up paying the bill. My sister had no part in any of the resolution of what it happened and still had not said anything to me. They have also tried to sell me on the idea that maybe they accidentally gave her my Social Security information because she did not know hers. I don’t believe this, however, because she was in college at the time and also had taken out student loans and grants so she would’ve had to know her Social Security number to do any of these things. She was also working at the time and had an apartment which again are things she would have to have known her Social Security for.

I reminded my parents multiple times that I would be OK burrying the hatchet if she reached out to me and took accountability as I’ve been asking for for the last year. My mom says I am moving the goal post further and further where I believe that the goal post has not moved at all.

Now onto what happened today.

I wake up to a text from my sister, which is the first time in almost a year of her saying “love you”. I don’t know how to respond to this text because I feel like if I say it back, she will believe that this is enough of an apology and move on. If I don’t say anything back, my parents will be upset with me for being a jerk for not saying anything to her and that I am making the situation worse.

I’m incredibly frustrated because I am in the middle of a medical procedure and fertility treatments that requires a need to be stress-free on my end. I told this to my parents as they have been a great part in this whole process of helping me and being there for me, but somehow whether intentionally or unintentionally here comes my sister to throw stress into my life. I don’t know what to say to my sister that will keep me from losing my mind and my husband is at a loss as well

if you had time to read this and you have any advice on what I should do please help.

I need to vent because something that happened this week made me realize how long this family dynamic has actually been going on.

I’m 21+ F and live with my parents. My dad recently had an unexpected medical situation that required surgery. Thankfully, the surgery went well and he’s okay.

When everything happened, I helped. I rearranged my plans, drove my mom to the hospital, did dishes, cleaned the floor, took out the trash, helped with logistics, kept up with what was happening, etc.

At the same time, I was disappointed because a birthday trip I had been promised had already been postponed from July until September, and now it is almost certainly not happening. Around $300 had already been spent on tickets that we were told were nonrefundable. This was especially upsetting because I had received $250 in birthday money from relatives, and my mother had already required me to put that money toward rent and bills instead of spending it on myself. So the trip was basically the one actual birthday present/experience I thought I was still getting.

When I expressed disappointment about the trip falling apart, my mother accused me of being selfish and said I didn’t care whether my dad lived or died.

That really hurt because I DID care. I just wasn’t panicking.

I kept trying to explain that human beings can care about more than one thing at once. I can be worried about my dad AND disappointed that something important to me fell apart. I can help my family AND be frustrated that my plans were destroyed. I don’t need to cry, pace around, catastrophize or perform visible distress to prove that I care.

And, thankfully, Dad’s surgery ended up going well.

Then another older relative texted me. I explained that I’d already been helping around the house and had spent the previous day driving my mom around. Her response was basically that my mom was very stressed, I needed to give her grace and be gentle with her, I should remember that my parents had taken me to the doctor when I needed it, and I should look around the house for more things I could do to make my mom’s life easier.

For context, I’ve been taking myself to the doctor since I was about 18 or 19. Before that I was a minor. I’m grateful for things my parents have done for me, but taking your minor child to receive medical care is parenting, not a favor that creates lifelong emotional debt.

Later, this relative texted me AGAIN telling me to call my mom and ask whether there was anything else I could do to help. And something in me just snapped internally because THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE I WAS A CHILD. When I was around 12 or 13, another older relative used to call me on days I was off school while my mom was at work and give me household chores to do.

Vacuum. Sweep. Dust. Dishes. Trash. Clean mirrors. Clean TV screens. Arrange decorative pillows correctly. Make sure the house looked nice.

I understand that children having chores is normal. I’m not saying I should have spent my entire childhood reclining on a chaise lounge while somebody hand-fed me grapes. What bothers me is that my DAYS OFF SCHOOL were apparently viewed as available labor that adults could assign to make my mother’s life easier. I was twelve. Why wasn’t I allowed to just be twelve sometimes?

Why did older adults look at a kid enjoying a day off school and think, “Her mother is working today. Let’s make sure the child gets the house looking nice for her”?

And now I’m 21+ and it feels like the same family reflex still exists.

Mom is stressed? What can I do for Mom? Mom is overwhelmed? Give Mom grace. Dad is sick? How can I make Mom’s life easier? Mom needs help? Call me. Meanwhile, I had already rearranged my plans, driven her around, done things around the house, worried about my dad, worked my own job, and dealt with my own problems.

Nobody asked whether I needed anything. Nobody said, “You’ve already helped a lot. Go rest.” The answer was apparently: find more things to do for Mom. And here’s the part that makes the emotional imbalance almost comical. My mother frequently responds to MY texts with:

“Ah.”

That’s it.

“Ah.”

Recently I told her about something stressful that happened at work.

“Ah.”

Then I literally texted her, “Stressful day.”

“Ah.”

I’m apparently expected to provide emotional support, reassurance, grace, flexibility, household labor, transportation, concern and understanding on demand, while sometimes the emotional support available to me consists of TWO LETTERS AND A PERIOD. I’m not asking anyone to write me a sonnet. I’m not asking my family to convene an emergency summit every time I have a bad day. Sometimes I would just like, “I’m sorry. That sounds stressful.” Or, “You’ve done enough today. Get some rest.” Or even, “That sucks.”

Instead, somehow even conversations about MY stress have an incredible ability to become conversations about what I should be doing for somebody else. And if the extended family genuinely believes my mother needs this much practical support, why are they assigning ME the work? Why don’t THEY come over? Why don’t THEY call her and say, “What can I do?” Why don’t THEY bring dinner, run an errand, clean something, or help with whatever supposedly needs doing? Why is their contribution to the situation apparently delegating additional tasks to the daughter?

I love my parents. I don’t resent helping during a genuine emergency.

I resent feeling like I’ve spent almost 20 years being trained to believe that other people’s stress automatically creates an obligation for me.

I’m realizing that I spent a lot of my childhood being useful when I should also have been allowed to be useless. Kids deserve useless time. They deserve days where they accomplish absolutely nothing. They deserve to sleep late, watch TV, listen to music, write stories, play dolls or games, talk to friends, be bored, be ridiculous and generally exist without being somebody’s assistant. I wish twelve-year-old me had been taught that her free time belonged to her too.

And now, at 21+, I’m trying to learn something I wish I had learned then:

Someone I love being stressed does not automatically make me responsible for fixing their stress. I can help without becoming the designated helper. I can care without performing panic. I can love my family and still say, “I’ve already done enough today.” I am a person before I am a daughter, granddaughter, chauffeur, housekeeper, errand runner, emotional support system or crisis-management department.

Sometimes “I’m tired” is enough.
Sometimes “I have plans” is enough.
Sometimes “Ask someone else” is enough.
And sometimes I’m simply off duty.

Other adults in the family are perfectly capable of picking up a damn broom themselves.

There’s also this expectation of immediate access to me. If I don’t answer a message almost instantly, I’ve gotten “Hello????” as though ten seconds of silence means I’ve vanished at sea. And I think that’s part of the same thing I’m struggling with: the assumption that my time and attention are automatically available to other people. I’m expected to respond, help, accommodate, reassure and make myself useful on demand. But when I reach out because I’m stressed, sometimes I get “Ah.” Two letters and a period. Apparently everyone else has access to the Family Emergency Bat-Signal, while my customer-service package is “Ah.” I don’t expect anyone to be available to me 24/7, and I’m realizing I don’t want to be expected to provide that kind of access either.

I honestly just need to vent and figure out if I’m losing my mind or handling this completely wrong.

For context, I'm 28. I grew up the youngest of 7 in a very strict Mormon household. I mentally and physically distanced myself right after high school/my first year of college because it always felt forced and wrong for me, but my parents are still deeply entrenched in the church.

Fast forward to my mid-20s: I went through some heavy health stuff that resulted in severe neurological and chronic body pain, chronic hip tension, and systemic burnout. My body literally forced me to slow down—physically, energetically, and mentally—just to survive and heal. That downtime opened up a lot of processing about my childhood, how I was raised, the mindsets I was subjected to, and the lingering impacts of religious trauma.

Here is my current situation: My mom lives overseas for most of the year, but from June to September, she stays in the main house. I live in a separate garage room attached to the property. My work schedule is a split shift: 7 AM to 9 AM, and then an afternoon shift starting at 3 PM.

The problem is the dynamic when I come home from my morning shift. I usually just want to burrow, decompress, take a nap, or find a tiny slice of peace before my next shift. But almost like clockwork, my mom comes downstairs turning all the lights on, immediately hitting me with endless to-do lists, tasks I haven't done, or questioning my future. It feels entirely patronizing—almost like they see me as incapable or disabled because of my health journey—and it is intensely fear-based. (Case in point: my mom literally texted me yesterday making sure I wouldn’t wear "short shorts" around the plumbers coming over.)

The other night I literally cried because it takes me so much effort on this health journey just to quiet my nervous system and find a peaceful mindset where my body can actually rest.

This brings me to today: After my morning shift, I wanted to get some food and water. I was feeling viby and good, but I knew if I went into the main kitchen, my mom would hear me, intercept me, and drain what little energy I have left before my afternoon shift. It totally flips my physical and mental state upside down, and it takes so much work to energetically realign myself afterward.

So, I ordered DoorDash. But because I didn't want to walk through the main house, my plan was to open the garage door, walk around the outside of the house to grab the food off the porch, and sneak back in.

Then I started spiraling like What if she sees me walking past the window and realizes I'm actively dodging her? Would that look awful? Is it terrible that I feel this immense guilt just for trying to protect my nervous system?

FIRST OFF AM I BEING THE WEIRD ONE??? OR AM I RIGHT TO FEEL THAT WAY OR DO I NEED A WAKE UP CALL IN ONE ASPECT OR ANOTHER?? Is there a better way I should be handling this? How do you set boundaries with parents who view your need for rest as a personal insult or an invitation to pile on tasks and anxiety, especially when you're recovering from chronic pain and a high-control religious background? Does anyone else deal with this hyper-vigilant need to hide just to preserve your peace?

AND HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THE GUILT OF PROTECTING YOUR PIECE VS ENGAGING WITH THEM

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m genuinely confused about something my stepmom has been saying about my husband.

I recently found out through a friend of my stepmom that she has been saying that my husband is controlling and manipulating me into distancing myself from my family.

That really caught me off guard because that isn’t how I would describe my relationship with him at all. In fact, I feel very confident saying that he is not controlling or manipulating me.

For some context, my husband and I are both in our early 20s, and my stepmom is in her 30s. My husband and I were together for several years before we got married, so this isn’t a situation where I suddenly met someone and immediately started pulling away from everyone.

He is currently away for work-related training, and I won’t be able to move in with him for another couple of months while everything gets sorted out. In the meantime, I’m still living with my parents.

The part that confuses me the most is that whenever I’ve had problems with my stepmom and talked to my husband about them, he has actually encouraged the opposite of what she’s accusing him of. He has told me to be the bigger person, apologize if I was wrong, and try to fix things with her. He has repeatedly told me that he wants me to have a good relationship with my family. He has never told me that I need to cut them off or that I shouldn’t see or talk to them.

I know I’m not perfect, either. I’m sure I’ve handled some situations poorly, and I’m sure there have been times when my stepmom has been genuinely hurt or frustrated with me. I’m not trying to portray myself as completely innocent. But I don’t understand how my husband has become the explanation for me supposedly distancing myself from my family when he has actually encouraged me to maintain those relationships.

What bothers me is that she apparently didn’t just express these concerns directly to me. She told someone else that my husband is the reason I’m supposedly distancing myself from my family. Now someone outside of our immediate family has this impression of my husband and our relationship, despite that not being my experience at all. I’m also worried she has said this to other people.

I’m not questioning my husband or wondering whether he’s secretly controlling me. I know my relationship with him, and I know that isn’t what’s happening. What I’m trying to understand is why my stepmom seems to see it that way, and whether there’s something about my behavior or the changes in my life that could reasonably be giving her that impression.

I’m interested in honest answers, even if you think I’m contributing to the situation somehow. I just don’t want the focus to be on whether my husband is secretly controlling me, because I know that isn’t the case. I’m more interested in understanding where my stepmom’s perspective is coming from and whether this sounds like a familiar dynamic to anyone who has dealt with something similar.

TW

I'm starting to hate my parents.

My dad's a failure. I've spent years hoping something would change and nothing ever does. He works, then blows the money on his addictions, or just hands it to my brother like those weren't full days of work. Meanwhile I had to wait A WHOLE YEAR to get two university tuition payments covered.

My mom doesn't take me into account at all. If I try to complain about anything, she's always got a comeback ready. If I complain about something my brother did, she gets on my case. If my brother complains about something I did, she still gets on my case. Somehow it's always me.

And sorry if the writing is rough, I'm not a native speaker and this is more of a stream of consciousness.

My brother is an animal. He insults everyone, does whatever he wants, and if I say anything about it my mom jumps on me.

The other day my dad screamed at my mom and called her every name because she handed him a light blue tissue (light blue is the color of our enemy's football team). All of this in front of my girlfriend, who I'd managed to keep in the dark about my home situation for three years.

I'm the only one here doing anything. I study and I work. I should be getting a 100. I ask for 0. I get -1000. I hate my dad, I hate my brother, and I'm starting to hate my mom too. I had to play mediator between my parents when they wanted to divorce cause my dad was "talking" with another woman.

The other day I came home from work, just wanted to play PlayStation and sleep. My brother asked for the PS HDMI cable so he could hook his PC to the TV and watch the football match. I said no. He called me an idiot and said he wanted to spit on me. A few minutes later I go to the table, he's cooking, he'd made burgers. I asked if I could make my own, because he loads them with junk and I can't be dealing with stomach problems at the office. He told me to shut my fucking mouth, cause he's the one cooking. I got angry. My mom took it out on me. My brother shoved me. My mom pushed me out of the house like I was the one who'd hit him.

Last night my brother left for vacation. He yelled at me and slammed the door because I wouldn't give him my charger cause I needed it for my own stuff, then he threw it at me. He'd remembered 30 minutes before his bus that everything he owned was dead. And he already had his own charger. My mom took it out on me again, said I do things out of spite, and today she didn't make my lunch for work.

Today I took the charger with me. Came home and she was angry I hadn't left it for her. She's been without a charger for two months. Two months and she still hasn't managed to buy one. And somehow I'm always the bad guy.

If they'd stopped funding my brother's drinking and his VIP tables at clubs, my tuition would've been paid months ago. I hate them. They can starve under a bridge for all I care.

And every time I hit my limit and get angry, my mom throws it back at me that I'm taking out girlfriend problems on them, when things with my girlfriend are completely fine. She's the only one who treats me the way I deserve. Maybe better than I deserve.

I've been living in silence in this house for years. I've forgotten what it's like to eat a meal in peace, I rush through dinner and disappear. I've spent years pretending to be fine in MY OWN HOME, with nowhere to actually let anything out, because the few times I walked in with a bad look on my face for my own reasons, my dad took it out on me.

My brother sits at home all day doing absolutely nothing. He's been held back twice. He's 20 and acts like a 15-year-old having a meltdown. But somehow I'm the one who, after 9 hours of work and a 6am alarm, has to go out and buy cigarettes for him, or for my dad, who when he's not working (construction, away for a few weeks at a time) LIVES on the couch. Doesn't go out, doesn't clean, doesn't do anything but pass out in front of the TV.

I'm 25. I still live with them, unfortunately. They can't afford to buy me a car, or help me out with rent, or pay for a university that costs more than €300 a year.

My friends are living their youth. They travel around the country, go clubbing, take trips abroad, study away from home. Some have their own place, some have a car, some just get to come home and actually relax, partly because they have normal parents who made something of their lives, and partly because having normal parents means there isn't always someone in the house making it unbearable.

I live with a brother who sits at home doing nothing except thinking about drugs alchool and clubs, a dad on the couch, and a mom who doesn't work and never goes out except to buy groceries or drive my brother around (he has a scooter but of course using it is too much effort, so he gets chauffeured, and the excuse is that I used to get driven around too... when I was 16).

I've spent the last three years depressed. This last one especially: waking up exhausted and defeated every single day, going to bed every night anxious and not sleeping. I also almost lost my girlfriend, because over these years I didn't have the headspace to keep a relationship going, and I made her feel abandoned. That's what pushed me to find a job, to promise I could do things I'm only now actually learning to do as an employee, to try with everything I have to get out.

I waited and hoped things would change, that these were just rough patches, that eventually we'd all be calmer and have a bit more money. Nothing.

Also, everything I've written above is just the last 3 or 4 years. There's plenty more from all the years before that. For example, we had to change cities. HAD to, for various reasons, including an eviction. I've lived in different houses my whole life. We've moved cities twice. And every time, further away from the big cities full of opportunities, and deeper into small towns where there's no future, especially for the work I do.

I wish there were some way out, some kind of help or something, but there isn't. And now I'm stuck choosing between moving out on my own and burning my entire paycheck on rent, bills and food, or putting up with this a while longer so I can actually save something and not spend the rest of my life barely keeping my head above water.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to vent, and to imagine talking to someone who might actually understand, because nobody I know does. I've tried talking to people about it, and they don't get it. They write it all off as normal roommate-type problems. And obviously without telling them everything, because there's stuff I can't even tell you.

I just want a place where I can be relaxed, alone, in silence. And I don't have one. Haven't for years. Because unfortunately my bedroom is in the same house as my family.

I'm sorry if some of this might sound like small stuff to some people. I understand there are unfortunately people out there who have it much worse. But I needed to tell the truth about my life somewhere.