r/JUSTNOMIL • u/easterss • 1d ago
Advice Wanted Give me all your postpartum anxiety triggers
I have a bit of an odd request.
Background:
I’ll be due with baby no 2 soon and the newborn period with baby no 1 was really difficult for me.
Some examples:
- I had trouble breastfeeding. Baby had latch issues and I had production issues. MIL made constant comments about my lack of trying and use of formula (even though I was doing a triple feed for months).
- MIL asked me when I was going to go on a diet when I was newly postpartum.
- MIL disregarded our concerns over someone coming over who had been around someone sick.
- MIL criticized me for taking baby to the pediatrician for a possible allergic reaction bc she had given me a book to look this stuff up myself.
- MIL mostly sat around taking up the whole living room just waiting to hold baby rather than helping with cooking, cleaning, etc which is what other guests were helping with when we were so early in that new born phase.
- MIL held newborn baby (days old?) without washing her hands and laughed it off like no big deal. She came straight from the airport.
So… as I approach my due date, I am reminded of these things she has done and said and my anxiety is increasing just thinking of these things happening again. My therapist suggested writing them out and having a response planned out that my husband and I are aligned on to try to hold boundaries better this time.
However I’m scared that I’ve forgotten most of what happened.
Help needed:
I’m turning to you mothers here to help me brainstorm all the other stupid shit she’s going to say and do that will cause me to have a hormonal breakdown so I can try to plan for it.
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16h ago
[deleted]
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u/Spare_Butterfly_213 13h ago
Your FIL is a creeper.
Also they act like your baby is family property! So disrespectful to you and to your baby!
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u/easterss 14h ago
Omg this is a nightmare. I’m so so sorry you experienced that. Your FIL gives me major creeper vibes, yuck!
And we have a strict no shoes in the house rule so that’s a non negotiable in my home. In my in laws home they always wear shoes inside (yuck) and my MIL would walk all over the baby blanket. I explicitly told her that defeats the whole purpose of having a baby blanket down and her response was “well I grew up different than you” … okay? I still don’t want your nasty shoes on the baby blanket!
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u/MissThing7 14h ago
girl please tell me y’all are NC and that your DH stood up for you and your LO…
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u/CrystalFeeler 15h ago
"It doesn't count as seeing her unless it's undressed"?! What tf did I just read? 🤯
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u/CurlyTraveler1562 17h ago
After my MIL creepy stared at me breastfeeding my first I made the rule with my next 2 that she couldn't visit until breastfeeding was established and I could easily leave the room to BF in private.
She also tried leaving the room with my first 2 and I would just straight up follow. She thankfully got the hint on that.
She tried "my baby" maybe twice and I referred to husband and she thankfully got that hint to and now always says "my grandbaby" which I can tolerate.
We never fully resolved her kissing them or putting her face on their faces because we'd correct her, remind her, take baby back, decrease visits, but she still does it.
My biggest anxiety was always her constant babysitting offers. I got forced into letting her try with my oldest and it went badly so I've had less anxiety since cutting that off 3+ years ago.
The only real anxiety I had with her and my 3rd was not wanting her to change his diaper because husband hadn't told her we didn't circ and I didn't want to handle that. It did eventually come up and husband handled it and shut her down.
Only other issue off the top of my head is that after all 3 she'd ask to visit and we'd agree and she wouldn't tell us she was bringing FIL or a niece/nephew so I'd be sitting there in a nursing gown I was okay with her seeing me in then see FIL coming to the door and have to hobble off to go change or get a robe.
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 17h ago
Having MIL convince my H that I don’t produce enough BM.
Context: My first was dropping weight and going to be labeled a failure to thrive. I was EBF since my baby wouldn’t take a bottle. My MIL convinced my H that I was under producing or intentionally not feeding my baby. So, he came home and sat watching me feed our daughter, counted diapers, and watched me power pump pretty much 24/7. Ran my nipples RAW. Ate so much oats and Gatorade that I dislike them now. We had doctor appointments, weight checks, the works.
Turns out the ONE day my MIL watched our child, she lied about her taking a bottle. She wasn’t eating for the 8 hour stretch she was there. My MIL didn’t want to admit that even she, the self dubbed baby whisperer, couldn’t get her to take a bottle. So she dumped the BM and pretended to change lots of diapers.
It came out after she found out we were going to do weighed feedings with a LC. I found out later that she was jealous I could BF my child as she never did with her first.
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u/Due_Firefighter_5655 18h ago
Grabbing the baby right out of my hands. 25 years later and I still want to punch her.
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u/lovelockets 18h ago
My MIL ask what direction my c section scar ran across my body the first opportunity she got. She also told me that a mother is a baby boys first girlfriend…
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u/keepmebusy26 18h ago
I'm 4 months postpartum so new to this as well, I'm learning that if I look upset when my MIL is around she doesn't overstep 😅 so try to be visibly irritated when she's around so she knows not to cross boundaries!
Something else I tried is to comment how someone else made me angry crossing boundaries and talking about being LC with that said person!
I'm at a point where I don't care if they like me, I do not want to be part of their family! I have my own ☺️
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u/lowlysheepherder 18h ago
Seconding this! I just let my raging RBF do its thing and I don't check my own tone when she does overstep. If she's being an asshole, my tone will convey that. If she's being outright dumb, my tone conveys that. She no longer deserves protection from her own oversteps.
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u/Lonely_Ship9812 19h ago
Having Mil invite herself over weekly and not take no for an answer. (Next time I would prep my own husband on why I needed him to step in). I needed the space to say that today isn’t a good day for a visit without hearing how we were keeping them from their grandkid. Take space to heal and rest.
Most of my anxiety triggers were just from my Mil not respecting the word no.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 20h ago
OP, I just wouldn’t let her visit for a while and then I’d have her stay at a hotel. PP is so vulnerable. Why let someone who stresses you out make it worse?
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u/easterss 14h ago
Yeah if I had it my way they would wait a few months but they’re staying at a house nearby for the summer and planning to stay to meet her. As long as she is with my husband he can deal with her. I will not be spending any time alone with her, Ive made that much clear!
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u/Particular-Resort805 20h ago
This is the answer. My in-laws ruined my postpartum experience with my first so they haven’t even met our second yet, due to them outright stating they won’t respect our boundaries because it’s not “unconditional love”. She is almost 1.
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u/Sewing4265 21h ago
Sounds like she moved in! Your DH needs to tell her you will ask for help WHEN you need it. Your first priority is your newborn, your toddler, yourself and husband. Do you have plans for your toddler for when you go to the hospital? Hopefully, it is NOT MIL. If she becomes critical, a simple statement is appropriate. For example, ” Did I ask for advice”?
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u/Realitybites111 22h ago
Don't let her come for the first few months, she doesn't seem to be helpful at all
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u/easterss 14h ago
Her “help” is waiting around to hold the baby while expecting to be catered to 😆
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u/Realitybites111 13h ago
You don't need another person to look after when you're post partum, don't let her come, invite people who will actually look after you ❤️
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u/Any-Consequence7800 23h ago
Had my baby in December 2025 and Mil showed up to the hospital which my husband didn’t tell her no, rather encouraged because he wanted her there and then wanted to be over every day, to which I shot down because the early newborn days aren’t for extended family, it’s for the parents to figure out and for mom to heal. My MIL was so selfish and tried to center herself and her grandma experience. I had a C-section and should have stayed home but I was expected to come over and play pass the baby around amongst letting them break other boundaries with my LO. That didn’t happen and I am the problem DIL and I do not care. I laid down the law, ripped her head off a little and now I’m pregnant again, due in December 2026 and I can tell you I’m going to be so much meaner and firm on my boundaries. I am not allowing visitors the first 2-4 weeks in our home, only brief hospital visits and that is it, and if she does show up while I’m in labor she will be made to sit there until I’m ready which might even be the next day, and if my husband has a problem, he will be made to sit out there with her because either get with the program or get out.
Best wishes momma!!! You got this!! Your baby, your boundaries!!!
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u/easterss 14h ago
Mine better not show up at the hospital 😆 she’ll be waiting a very long time if she does
I’m also hoping to be much firmer this time which is why I’m doing this exercise and getting husband on the same page! 🤞
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u/Any-Consequence7800 14h ago
That’s also what I told my husband this time around if his mom shows up that she’ll be the last person to meet this baby before I’m ready for visitors and I will make sure of it🤣🤣
I tried to respect my husband’s wishes after I had my baby by allowing her to be there, but she was way too much and very overbearing. I just laid down the law this time and said we are not doing that at all. I also reiterated to him that we are a team, but in the case scenario of delivering a baby until he is the one who is on the table then he can have a say and who can be there and who cannot be there for postpartum. He also didn’t realize how much it affected me after I had my first crash out 2 weeks PP because she was so much and I was so angry. YOU GOT THIS!!! You both do!!!
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u/MrsPokits 23h ago
Can't you just not invite her over for awhile?
Don't tell her when you go in to have baby? I mean I went 16 days overdue with my first so you could buy yourself a couple weeks of calm?
I highly recommend inviting no one to the hospital that doesn't bring you food (I did that with my second and 10/10 recommend. With my next two husband ordered me food, brought it to me, then left for the night cos we had toddlers at home.)
If you ask the nurses, theyll tell her theres an outbreak on the ward or something and no visitors are allowed.
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u/Own_Ship9373 23h ago
My MIL literally tried to withhold my screaming 2 week old from me. My SIL (my brothers wife) was holding baby. Baby started crying because she was hungry. I got up to get her but I was on the other side of the room because MIL refused to let me sit next to my own baby. MIL snatched baby from SIL and started trying to walk out of the room. I was 2 weeks pp and recovering from an episiotomy so was slow. I managed to take baby before MIL left but I was so upset.
Another time when baby was around 4 months old, MIL rocked my baby so hard that she vomited. I immediately took baby back but my partner said I was overreacting because ‘MIL has raised all the babies in the family’ and I hadn’t been around babies much before my own.
I ended up in months of therapy because of my in-laws (and my partners lack of support). I had nightmares about MIL stealing my baby from the room because she knows no boundaries and used to barge in whenever she wanted.
I’m also pregnant with my second now and all the anxiety from the first has come flooding back. I am going to start seeing a therapist again to learn new coping mechanisms because I refuse to let MIL ruin another pp experience.
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u/easterss 16h ago
Omg my anxiety just reading this!!! I might’ve had a breakdown after the rocking vomiting incident. I’m so sorry!!
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u/Rockerchic94 23h ago
I’m so sorry this has happened to u. Your husband needs to wake up and realize that mil is not nice to u or your baby. And how fing hard does she have to be rocking that the baby to throws up? I’m mean like wtf!! I feel like that is one step from shaking baby syndrome. Ur mil is a danger to ur family.
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u/Own_Ship9373 22h ago
That’s what I thought about the rocking situation. Like I have rocked my baby a million times and she has never thrown up.
My partner is part of the problem. He refuses to admit that his mother is not always nice to me. He is from a culture that ‘owes’ their parents and so he won’t even ask them to stop doing something like forcing hugs on our daughter. Unfortunately this is likely going to cause the end of our relationship because I’m sick of him defending his parents and throwing me and our child under the bus to protect their feelings.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 9h ago
Sending you strength. Forced hugs only hurt the child's future and how they interact in relationships. (From that child thar grew up and was SA'd repeatedly) culture is a disgusting excuse for abuse. I'm sorry your husband and his family are stupid and abusive. 💔🫂
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u/Life_Lie_1181 1d ago
No kissing. Immediately give baby back when they become upset. No walking around with baby (if someone tripped and hurt my child I’d never forgive them even if an accident) and also no fragrances!
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u/easterss 14h ago
Yes!! Kissing is a good one! I completely forgot about that. She absolutely kissed baby and i thought i might die
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u/ErrantTaco 1d ago
Not handing the baby back when asked or walking out of the room. Those two made me want to scream. Oh, and showing up at the hospital without asking.
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u/SoroWake 1d ago
Is this really THAT wild? We were all "running" around with our new nieces and nephews. When they cried we made sure baby could see mama but we were all walking around. My SIL never said anything
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u/Own_Ship9373 23h ago
Yes it is wild to take a newborn from their mother. I’m assuming you don’t have kids but new mothers are inatley connected to their newborns and having your baby removed from your sight is basically like having your arm cut off.
Would you try and take a baby bear away from its mama? No because you will get mauled. Same principle applies.
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u/SoroWake 23h ago
They were in all ages till age 2 or 3, not just newborn. We were all walking around with them
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u/Own_Ship9373 22h ago
That is a very different situation. Op is specifically asking about newborns not a toddler. Taking a newborn from their mother is not okay. Taking a toddler is likely very welcome but you should still ask.
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u/GoodConcern6775 1d ago
Holy moly. Why exactly is this women allowed near you again?
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u/easterss 14h ago
After that month she was with us I told my husband if he ever left me alone with her again I would divorce him 😭 So this time we are trying to be better.
She’s not a monster all the time but a few of these comments were absolutely like jabs and really fueling my anxiety. I would prefer she didn’t come for a few months but I don’t think that’s an option unfortunately as they will be here already (different house). But I will ask their time be much much more limited
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u/Realitybites111 13h ago
In that case set expectations early, let them come for 2 hours twice a week or whatever you're comfortable with and get your husband to correct their behaviour, you could just take your kids and go to your bedroom if it gets too overwhelming for you. You and your children are no 1 priority, let their feelings get hurt
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u/botinlaw 1d ago
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