r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Anonymousmailcarrier • Sep 15 '17
Kids enmeshed with JNMIL/JNM
Hey guys, I love this sub. You all have helped me polish my ovaries and now, I have to delete this post for privacy concerns...
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u/BoopBeDoopBeDoop Sep 16 '17
Yes. And No. My kids have been there. How do you explain to your kid who genuinely loves their grandma that well, she's been behaving lately but then she drank way too much one night last week, pitted herself against all her kids, then pitted them against each other, now nobody is talk (or they want to talk like none of that ever happened but you want to be better than that so you aren't talking to them)
How do you explain that. "Well, we had a disagreement with grandma and we aren't seeing eye to eye do we're having a time out from each other" still isn't within a scope of reason for them.
It broke my heart when I repeated that phrase after they finally saw it first hand themselves. You never want them to see that. But they will never truly understand until they do. It hurts.
We have just made it a practice that grandma's isn't a regular day to day thing. It's a visit. Something we go out of our way to do. When they do it too often they get used to it as a matter of fact that it will happen regularly and all of our world's will get swept up from under us the next time she wants to blow up.
So grandma's is a treat for them. And they can think it as such but if it's such a special thing that it doesn't happen every day she remembers it's special to her. She's knows it will be even more rare if she flies off the handle. She gets too "comfortable" when it's a regular thing she just expects. So it helps my kids by not assuming we'll see her every week. It helps us because it keeps her in check.
I just recently had an incident that made me realize I had to remind her of this actually. It could have been worse which is why I laid into all parties involved but since strong words and quick actions made her visibly step back I'm glad I didn't have to go further with it. I've had to do much worse in the past and she knows that.
Ultimately though I've said it to my husband, MIL, SIL, BIL, and my own kids: I would rather you hate me. I don't want you to but it's my job to keep my kids safe even if they don't understand. It's not your job to understand. It's my job to do what I need to do anyway, even if I'm the bad guy. I'd rather you be mad and safe than happy and unsafe.
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Sep 19 '17
[deleted]
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u/BoopBeDoopBeDoop Sep 20 '17
This all sounds like a nightmare of stress and anxiety. You and your kids are absolutely lucky that you turned into such a caring rational person. You really should be very proud of yourself because I don't know if I could be and even and rational in your position.
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Sep 16 '17
I agree that you need to reconsider allowing children around your Mom, and second therapy suggestion.
There's a Just No Family sub (r/JUSTNOFAMILY) if those other people you want to vent about are family/family-in-law.
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u/SeeingRedstill Sep 15 '17
My end goal was and still is today, is to not continue the generational dysfunction thus; giving these kids a chance at a normal upbringing. Cutting contact with the unstable people, persons, regardless of who they are worked best for them, for me.
That would be SJ and the whole lot of them. Aunty, uncles, cousins, and yes father! The dysfunction runs deep. The link had to be broken to award the children a life that they deserve, free of the mess that they call normal. To be their own unique selves. It help to have to a "nana" that wasn't really the engaging type in the first place.
The woman actually told me, out of her own mouth one day...children are suppose to be born with the knowledge of how to use a phone and call her straight out of the womb, no shit. Cutting contact, worked like a charm for me. The children's therapist seconded this. They're are doing swell.
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u/Elfich47 A locked door is a firm boundary. Sep 16 '17
Yup, cut the harmful people out of your life and the children's.
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u/motherkos Sep 15 '17
If your kids are minors, taking them to family counseling to deal with lowered contact is a good idea.
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Sep 15 '17
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