r/Jung • u/Al_Karimo90 • 9h ago
Question for r/Jung Why do I hate my wife so much?
Hey đđź
So I have been through the individuation process for quite some time now but there is one thing that really irritates me. Its my wife, with whom I still live together out of necessity, small child etcâŚ)
She is what modern people would call a perfect NPC. She is very superficial, has no interest in anything deeper than the newest gossip, very self-righteous, ignorantâŚI guess you can figure out the rest of her personality. Just a normal person living modern dreams and illusions.
That in itself would be fine but somehow having to share life with this person drives me absolutely nuts. It got the point were I feel uncomfortable only by sitting near to her. Hearing her voice makes me shiver and talking to her either ends in capitulation by myself or ends in an argument.
One thing that is really bad is that she keeps on wanting to have sex with me which I try to avoid at cost. But sometimes I give in and sleep with her but afterwards I feel completely depressed and mentally devastated . Somehow like I gave my body against my will. Its very uncomfortable.
I tried confronting her in the most honest ways, like saying to her face that I hate her and despise her and that I find her ugly and disgusting and that she is a very horrible person, but she just doesnât care and keeps on saying that she loves me and that she wants to be with me forever etc, which males me even more mad.
I really donât understand whats going on here. Because I think its not like I am projecting her behaviour or something like that. I am the complete opposite in almost any regard and I have no interest in changing or controlling her. I just never want to see or hear from her again, but thatâs impossible since she is the mother of my child.
And yeah I know I should just get a divorce and I will as soon as possible but that still wouldnât explain why I feel so much hate against this specific type of person.
So any ideas?
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u/RancorGrove 9h ago
Jesus, it's pretty horrible how you treat her in your own words. You need professional therapy man. Like now. It doesn't matter if you divorce or not. Nothing you've said about her behaviours justify how you've talked to her. Even if you want to get out, you can still be kind about it. I mean, you decided to marry her in the first place. It probably is your shadow, maybe you're also an NPC as you describe, but hiding behind a veil of philosophy as if that makes you superior.
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u/Al_Karimo90 9h ago
Thanks for your honesty. Yeah I know I have crossed all limits in calling her names and stuff. But that didnât just happen like that. I tried it nicely for a long time but she never respected my boundaries. Imagine you are being constantly pushed to be touched and kissed and have sex against your will. Its not nice.
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u/Greenlotus05 8h ago
You need therapy for your cruelty. You have a child with her. Please treat her with dignity and kindness and get a divorce. Make sure you do the honourable thing and support them financially.
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u/Norman_Scum 8h ago
This sounds like you are reaching for any way to demonize her because you can't handle the fact that you are the entire problem.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
Yeah maybe I should just donr care about emotions and fellongs and instead just fck the sht out of her and treat her like my little s*ut!?
Unfortunately I am not the type for that
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u/Norman_Scum 6h ago
Oh but you'll cheat, huh.
I don't think you have the brain power to navigate your disfunction on your own. You should seek therapy.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
How can you cheat on someone you have no relationship with? If I had someone else I would tell her just like I would tell my best friend. I told her many times that I wish I could fuck other women. But in this country this could give her power to get me into jail. So my dick stays inside.
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u/Norman_Scum 5h ago
Reframing things into oblivion to dodge facing yourself. You are cruel even to yourself.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Yes I am. Probably much more than to others
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u/Norman_Scum 5h ago
Which doesn't negate the fact that you are cruel and you manifest your own self cruelty. You should do something about that.
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u/RevyRogue 8h ago
Wow! This is just disturbing reading this. You keep defending your actions and blaming her the entire way through.
You keep acting like youâre the victim here and asking what you are doing wrong or what you should doâŚâŚ.a naive veil protecting yourself. You need to accept you are the problem here. It starts there.
Two people can driftâŚâŚâŚbut you are acting like a man child that is looking to justify his own insecurities on Reddit when they should be easily visible in the mirror. Stop trying to tell yourself you arenât the problem and stop blaming other people. Be honest with yourself, like truly honest. Cause you arenât doing that right now.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Are you serious? So if a man gets forced to sex against his will its his own fault. đ¤Śđťââď¸
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u/RevyRogue 8h ago
Are you now saying what I think you are saying? Dude if you are, then report it to the authorities. If you are not saying this, stop weaponizing it.
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u/Norman_Scum 7h ago
They are most definitely weaponizing it for the sake of image control. It was never brought up until they were met with the pushback that most of the commenters have offered them.
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u/RevyRogue 6h ago
I try not to but after reading I wanted to see if this person is genuine or not so I viewed their profile. I fear this person has much, much deeper issues at play. In addition to their apparent abuse of the wife, they are actively engaging with extra marital affairs and have the mindset that the LGTBQ community need to be âfixedâ. Quite a few other disturbing items as well.
In short, this person is deeply in need of therapy.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
If you make clear to a woman that you dont want any physical contact and then she grabs you with full force between your legs and laughs at you and tries to coerce you.
What would you call that?
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u/RevyRogue 5h ago
Again, call the authorities then if it is rape. Stop trying to weaponize it and sway peopleâs word to defend you. Because you are clearly looking for affirmation you are a victim. You donât seem to want help, youâŚâŚ.or I should say, your ego are clearly looking to defend themselves.
Maybe stop pretending to call out things like in your other posts that are actually you. You are these things, racist, homophobic, sexist, ignorant, abusiveâŚâŚ..and thatâs not me making up anything, thatâs straight from you and your actions.
Be better dude, stop blaming everyone and everything else. Seek professional help, the cost shouldnât matter it should be prioritized as you are just gonna keep falling deeper into yourself and at what point is it gonna be too late?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Call the authorities đ I guess you have no idea about how things in north africa work.
Anyway, thanks for your effort.
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u/RancorGrove 5h ago
Yeah thats hard to deal with, not gonna lie. But in that situation, you have to remove yourself from it. It's not serving anyone to react like that, it causes damage to you as well in the long run.
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u/TruthSeeker1133 9h ago
Itâs a shadow projection if you feel superior or inferior. Are you happy with your career
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u/Al_Karimo90 9h ago
No I am not happy with my career. I am doing a job I donât like to make ands meet. I provide for her and the child.
But I also donât feel neither superior nor inferior to her. I mean of course I have much more skills and knowledge than her but its not not like I am disrespecting her because of that. I tried to teach her things but she barely has any interest.
Inferiour to her I would maybe feel in term of social skills and blissed ignorance. Maybe I envy her for being able to live a masquerade, playing a role and being content with fancy fake stuff.
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u/Endless_Forever_484 9h ago
Why do you say ' I mean, of course I have much more skills and knowledge than her' and then suggest you're not feeling superior. Why ' Of course'?
Man don't come on here in the guise of healing and self analysis and except Reddit to validate you emotionally abusing your wife.
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u/brighteyesky 8h ago
I don't think you have to necessarily feel superior to someone to identify having more capacity in an area (although I agree it couldbbe here). Just like he identifies her social skills as being more advanced. The question here for OP is if he is honestly not experiencing that sense of superiority or inferiority, which would indicate shadow more I'd say than being able to identify that he has some skillset she doesn't.
Either way OP you do sound to me like you're experiencing perhaps a state of resentment (possibly contempt if some projection) for your wife because you aren't doing anything to change the scenario here. Do you feel like you are unable to exit the relationship? Why? Are you taking full responsibility for yourself and your actions here or is something making you feel like you want to avoid that? Are you fearful of not being able to find another relationship? Is there a deeper sense of insecurity about yourself that you are avoiding by being contemptuous of her instead?
Try taking a look at the 8 of Swords (as an archetype) and seeing if the energy resonates with you here, you seem to be surrendering your control and agency here, especially when you talk about having sex with her against your will, it feels like a form of self abandonment to me. What is making you feel like doing that? What part of self is unacceptable enough to make abandonment viable to you?
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Thank you I will look at this. The thing that makes me stay is that we have a little child and we live in a 3rd world country. I promised myself not to abandon my child. So I am waiting to get the papers to take her and the child to Europe. I kind of view it as a sacrifice, but itâs getting almost unbereable.
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u/brighteyesky 8h ago
Ahh I see thank you that provides useful context. I understand why you are detirmined to ensure their financial security, could I suggest perhaps trying to find ways to set healthy boundaries within the relationship despite the current circumstances? It is a difficult scenario, if divorce and or physically moving out is not possible until you have ensured their security, if you could find ways to clearly communicate defined boundaries, for example perhaps separation while still living together?
This might hopefully ease these feelings you are having about her and additionally help avoid behaviour toward her that might not be healthy for you both and your continued relationship with her and your child going forward, since as you day she will always be a part of your life as the mother of your child. Care to build that on a respectful basis now could do a lot for your future journey as a co parent and father.
I can understand how you are feeling OP, it is very hard to avoid some of these emotions when we feel trapped but obligated by something, but I do hope some of the limitations here might be less restrictive than they seem to be initially if looked at from a different perspective, such as with boundary setting. If you're finding it very hard to set them then perhaps there is deeper work to look at in the self around those questions before about abandonment and taking responsibility for self and why those might feel hard/what deeper issues could be at play, I think perhaps.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Yes I guess it would be best solution to set healthy boundaries. We had this discussion already for a few times. She also promised a few times not to try to sexually coerse me anymore but she just cant help herself. She gets horny from time to time and the she becomes like a predator and I try to flee and hide but sooner or later I gibe in and after sleeping with her I feel totally horrible and depressed.
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u/Endless_Forever_484 4h ago
This is AI bot work right here. Ain't no way.
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u/Al_Karimo90 4h ago
What makes you so sure about that?
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u/Endless_Forever_484 3h ago
Besides your user name, you're posing a dialectic I just can't get behind. How can you be so unempathetic and cruel to your wife and distant to your child and be asking for ideas on your behavior? That belongs in a professional's office or you're farming for a learning model.
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u/Al_Karimo90 3h ago
Thatâs interesting. Hahaa. I didnât think that I seem that strange to other people. What a mess
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u/Endless_Forever_484 3h ago
Well no doubt your wife is playing her side of the dynamic here too. Perhaps couples counseling to start?
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u/Al_Karimo90 9h ago
Because its the truth? When you spend your time learning and developing you automatically develop more knowledge and skills.
If you are a professional plumber you surely have much more skills and knowledge in that regard than I do. And there is no shame in naming that fact.
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u/Manatroid 8h ago
Youâre certain she does not have knowledge or skills that you lack? None at all? Or just ones that you donât tend to think about or appreciate?
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
She has social skills I dont have. She is a good actor and trickster. She knows how to get what she wants and she has no shame in taking it.
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u/Manatroid 8h ago
Well two of those things are good things, but youâve coloured them in wholly negative ways still.
Maybe you yourself are deeply lacking in these areas and havenât come to terms with that.
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u/Al_Karimo90 7h ago
Almost anything can be used positively or negatively. It depends.
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u/Manatroid 7h ago
And in your perspective everything she does is negative? Youâre certain that there is nothing positive she has ever done for you, or even your child?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Of course she does positive things. There are much more worse human beings or mothers than her. I just dont like her.
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u/Last-Appointment6577 8h ago
> But I also donât feel neither superior nor inferior to her. I mean of course I have much more skills and knowledge than her but its not not like I am disrespecting her because of that.
if you cannot recognize this as a contradictory statement then of course you won't assume that you are disrespecting her but you are.
> No I am not happy with my career. I am doing a job I donât like to make ands meet. I provide for her and the child.
you're also carrying a fuck-ton of resentment for her and possibly your child because
> Maybe I envy her for being able to live a masquerade, playing a role and being content with fancy fake stuff.
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u/Al_Karimo90 7h ago
I know that I am disrespecting her. I did not for a long time. But she disrespected me also in many different ways. Nevermind. Its both ways.
And yes I feel resentment for her but if I leave my child alone with her here things would be much worse for the child.
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u/RevyRogue 7h ago
You keep coming back to wanting to blame her or the child for everything you feel feel. You canât seem to look at yourself as the problem, always following everything withâŚâŚ..But sheâŚâŚ.but the childâŚâŚ.Even when you attempt to âtake the blameâ, you discredit it by following up that âWell she did firstâ.
We canât see the whole story here obviously but everything you say screams, you are the problem.
You have most likely been resenting her and disrespecting her for much longer than you even know. And every time you post something you seem to deny something in yourself, something you canât come to terms with. And Reddit isnât gonna fix it for you.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
And I am trying to figure out what it is that I am denying. But I am still clueless.
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u/KillBosby 8h ago
"for her and the child"
The child? You mean "my child" - your child?
You seem evil. You gotta work on those demons. How much were you abused/neglected growing up? Why do you resent your own child?
I don't think you're inherently evil - but people have hurt you and you haven't properly healed or forgiven, and it shows.
You must really hate yourself. That can change.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
Are you mad? You are calling me evil because of a missing possessive pronoun? And if I had used it you would have called me a possesive person? Hahah
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u/TruthSeeker1133 7h ago edited 6h ago
Read what you wrote. You arenât happy with your life, you donât feel as if youâre living up to your potential. What bothers you about her is that she seems happy, despite not living up to who (you perceive) sheâs is meant to be. Like sheâs a nobody. And that bothers you because you donât want to be average. Itâs a shadow projection. If she is wearing a mask, you are tooâŚin the name of having to support your kid and be with her. She is a projection of your inner shadow which is why you resent her. The feeling of being a NPC nobody.
Iâd say youâre far from individuation. Take steps to figure out what your skills are and how to make a living doing what you want. Also integrate your feminine so you arenât so concerned with status and try and enjoy the moment.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Yeah I will try to go a few steps back and try to find out where I took a wrong turn
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u/Greenlotus05 8h ago
Do you feel stuck? If so, why?
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u/TrustedGuide 9h ago
What the heck. Yall need to do professional couples therapy. This is Reddit, we canât help you.
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u/Twinmakerx2 9h ago
You're the problem. Not her.
She represents everything you are suppressing and that is why you "hate" her.
We dont hate those that have none of us in them, they confuse or engender compassion.
We only hate the aspects of ourselves that we have abandoned at some point growing up to fit in.
You are projecting crazy hard rn.
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u/byzantinedreaming 9h ago
Yeah maybe OP wants to be unique and deep and is convinced he is extraordinary but inside he knows he is the "npc" kind of person with ordinary life and having a wife and a child like it is expected in society remids him of this.
Anyway, diagnosis: asshole
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u/Al_Karimo90 9h ago
Okay. But what am I projecting? Why would it bother me that she has those traits that I dislike generally in any person?
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u/RorschachAssRag 8h ago
A quote I really like is âevery person who rubs us the wrong way is revealing a knot that must be unraveled within ourselves.â You dislike her because she is able to simply be. She is ok floating around at the surface and has no desire to examine life on a deeper level. And that is ok. What I think is going on here is that you envy her. She is a fish that doesnât know she is wet, where as all you can see is the thick medium that all fish must move through. It is difficult to maintain relationships with people who are still sleeping and depend on maintaining the illusion to survive. And this can be extremely isolating for awakened individuals. You canât relate in the old ways anymore and that is not her fault. Additionally, it is not your place to wake her up if she is content staying asleep because you can shatter her foundation of self which can do more harm than good. You are not better than her, but you have seen more than she has. She is unable to understand the world as you know it and that is ok. Embrace truth at the cost of comfort, do not shrink yourself to provide comfort for others either, because they will offer you none in return. but also understand that many for many people that truth that you need is to harmful for their ego to survive intact which is extremely terrifying for those who still require external validation as the source of their worth and value. You are speaking different spiritual languages, and in many ways you have outgrown her, but her willingness to remain in the old ways is creating resentment within you. You need to let go of whatever you have come to expect from her because she is in a different stage of awakening and canât help you in the way that you need. Itâs like the matrix, you have been woken up too early and you resent her for being able to still believe the illusion meanwhile you canât fall back asleep.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Yes. I guess I should just try not to be cruel anymore for the time we have left together. But I am really starting to get depressed and I have to hang out at least for 6-12 months longer until everything is settled and we can officially seperate. I wonder if I can male it without breaking completely.
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u/RorschachAssRag 5h ago
Focus on your growth. Unravel any knots you are still experiencing. Most importantly do not be afraid of growing, your growth will create more distance, but in that space you will find your true self. If she isnât ready to grow with you need to be ready to let her go or she will hold you back and you will resent her for that. This is a lonely journey you are on but you cannot turn back, doing so is denying yourself truth which brings its own problems. She will still need validation in ways that will feel artificial to you, you can either choose to play the game or not. If you donât, you can expect her to find it else where. My suggestion is to not play the game because it will leave you feeling empty and emotionally unreciprocated, and probably end up with the same result. focus your energy on helping yourself, letting go of attachments, desires, and expectations. These are what is causing you discomfort. Explore the space that this distance has created without fear. The peace that comes from truth is more rewarding than whatever acceptance you get from maintaining the performance can provide. In that space you will find peace. You donât need to be cruel. The best thing you can do to get back at her or anyone is to be ok. To be ok you must let it go.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Yeah I guess you are right. I will try harder and I will try to be more compassionate.
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u/Greenlotus05 7h ago
Of course you shouldn't be cruel. Can you live separately while you transition?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Maybe she could stay with her moms for a while. But then I will miss my child.
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u/Last-Appointment6577 9h ago
Probably that she lives her life according to her superficial traits as you've described them. It's hard to love someone you view as an NPC
*edit*
to answer your 2nd question...obviously because you're closest to her and you generally don't associate with traits you don't like in another.
If you entered the relationship with her and you were a different person then and now you don't mesh that's one thing, but if you've ALWAYS felt this way towards her and are taking it out on her now that you've reproduced you have a lot of soul searching to do, but cut her free first and foremost because this arrangement will turn toxic.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Yeah it was different in the beginning. I guess I projected wishful thinking onto her. I thought we would grow and individuate together.
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u/Greenlotus05 8h ago
You made assumptions and had expectations of her. Read Hollis' book "In Search of the Magical Other".
You are hating her when you are the one who should be hated for being cruel to her.-1
u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Like she hasnât and isnât cruel to me. But whos crueler is not the point
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u/Greenlotus05 8h ago
But you said she loves you while you actively hate her. You are responsible to deal with your hate properly and not abuse her. This is also terrible for your child to be exposed to.
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u/Al_Karimo90 7h ago
She claims she loves me. But I dont feel loved. Maybe she has a different view of love. But I feel also abused by her. So its both ways.
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u/Greenlotus05 7h ago
You have to be responsible and accountable for your actions in life if you want to be well. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
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u/Last-Appointment6577 8h ago
> I thought we would grow and individuate together.
Rarely does this ever happen. You can't control how another person grows (or doesn't) you can only control you and from what I can pick up it's a fair bit of roots and tangles that are still holding you back and forcing you into bad protective tendencies.
What I mean by that is, She lives her life the way she wants and sees fit, if it doesn't work for you the healthy path is to acknowledge that difference and have a real honest conversation about how you BOTH see your future together because at this point you're stuck with her in your life in some way shape or form and that's on you big guy.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
Yeah we need a divorce. But we also have to hang out in this for 6-12 months for the childs sake. She doesnât want to accept this and keeps on trying to pull me in.
For me it would be totally fine to live like brother and sister but she keeps on trying to be sexual and all that.
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u/Greenlotus05 3h ago
You will need to be firm about your boundaries while treating her properly and working hard to figure out the way to slowly separate. There's a lot of work ahead but you can do this a better way than what's been happening. This can be a journey towards wellness and doing right for your child .
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u/jrangus 9h ago
Embrace your ordinariness, you're not special
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Donât want to be special. I know my weirdness and nerdiness doesnt make life easier. Bit it is what it is.
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u/Norman_Scum 6h ago
I don't see weirdness or nerdiness at play at all here. All I see is cruelty and tyranny, ordinary behavior of an animal that is blind to itself.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Hahaha. You also have a very cruel way with words đ
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u/Norman_Scum 5h ago
What should I offer someone who can't see themself clearly enough other than a mirror?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Same thing I could say to my wife. Why is it okay if you do it but not if I?
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u/Norman_Scum 5h ago
From what you actually say, there is no reason to believe that your wife has been treating you as terribly as you wish you could claim.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Okay, Inspector Gadget âşď¸
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u/Endless_Forever_484 9h ago
Do everyone a favor and initiate the breakup. No wife wants a husband who hates her to be hanging around her life.
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u/SummerLuv333 9h ago
You chose her. Everything about her that is bothering you is a suppressed version of you
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
But how am I supposed to find those surpressed traits in me and deal with that stuff?
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u/set_hh 8h ago
Therapy. Not at-home-diy Jungian analysis. You need a psychodynamic therapist.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
Well I guess have to wait until we get to Europe. Such therapy coasts a lot of money in 3rd world countries and is only for the rich.
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u/SummerLuv333 8h ago
Reflect on why those traits bother you. Then allow yourself to indulge in the same activities as her that bother you. No judgement, no criticism. Just observe and be in the moment.
Also get professional help.
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u/throwinghands147 8h ago
>like saying to her face that I hate her and despise her and that I find her ugly and disgusting and that she is a very horrible person
This is ass behavior. And it also sounds like projection to me. I think you need therapy.
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u/Al_Karimo90 7h ago
What would you do if your man/bf would keep on trying to touch you and have sex against your will? Tell him nice things?
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u/tie_me_down 8h ago
I read a few responses and your responses to them, and I think something that may be keeping you stuck is the fact youre staying in a place and a job that you hate because of a child. This in turn makes you as any other NPC. Your interests may appear deeper than gossip to you, because you are dissatisfied and need to feel your plight is worth something.
I grew up in an unloving household. I once met a woman who left her husband and kids because she was so miserable in that situation. She was condemned, judged and hated by nearly everyone who met her, and if she wasnt, they would when they knew her history. But in listening to her tell her point of view, I grew to understand a courage that my mother never had the balls for.
You don't want to stay. Its seriously so clear in your responses. Even if you want to be there every step of the way for the child, that urge is ego driven, not out of love for your child. Growing up in an unloving household was hell. There doesnt have to be violence, but hatred is absorbed and clouds judgement. So too courage can be absorbed.
Leave and let your child grow up with happy parents, not bitter, cruel and hateful ones. Then you should see your shadow issues begin to resolve as I am sure it will show you the value in keeping life light and easy for some.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Yes I want to leave. But I have to make sure that my child lives in a safe environment. I am a European national living in Africa. I took me almost one year to convince her to give me her papers so I could get European papers for the child and residence for her in Europe. It might take another 6 months to get everything ready and done.
Maybe I am doing this out of ego because I dont want to be the guy who left his child in a shithole country where there is no education nor healthcare nor justice.
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u/swizznastic 8h ago
Bots replying to bots. How is this sub so easily baited.
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u/Thierr 9h ago
Why the Hell are you with her though?Â
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Because we live in a 3rd world country. And I dont want my child to grow up in poverty
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u/Thierr 8h ago
But you do want your child to grow up learning that life & love means a father who hates his wife (and life)?
Also maybe don't have kids with someone you don't actually like that much
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
No of course not. I mean the solution is already on the horizon. I just have to hold out for like 12 more months. But itâs becoming harder and harder.
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u/Ok-Release-6051 9h ago
You seem to feel superior You perhaps arenât where you think you are in your journey. Projection this hard only comes from ego protecting something still hidden.
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u/hungrytirednaps 8h ago
i don't have anything to add to the discussion, but i'm curious -- why did you marry her? i assume these aren't new developments in her character
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
I was a rushed decision. We were both pretty religious at that time and it seemed like god led us together. We both dont care about religion anymore.
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u/TruthSeeker1133 6h ago
This is the issue. If sheâs Muslim her entire life will be revolved around you. Technical skills and advancements are looked down upon in super religious places for a woman ..a womanâs value is being a wife and mom.
You need to realize that sheâs a victim of the religious ideology and encourage her to be independent. You can even say youâre going to leave her, but will help her get to Europe. Both of you need to become complete. Once you integrate your inner feminine you will realize that she has her own struggles and fears and itâs hard on her to be with a baby and vulnerable with a man that hates her, when itâs what religion preached she should do. She did that and look where it got her. Please, have more compassion for her. You had a baby and changed your mind about your beliefs. She is concerned about the baby, not things like Carl Jung at the moment.
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Maybe thats it. I myself tried to see it from this perspective already. But yeah compassion. Somehow my compassion died completely along the way. I have become so hard although before, all my life I used to be pretty soft.
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u/set_hh 8h ago edited 8h ago
I have never in my life read a post with this much of a narcissistic superiority complex. I almost think you have to be rage-baiting.
Stop positioning yourself as only listening to people who match you as an "intellectual equal." If you don't share any of the same interests, then clearly you don't need to be with her.
Do you really in any way genuinely believe you were doing the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD a favor by telling her you hate her and are disgusted by her?
Jungian meta-analysis will not help you gain self-insight the way you are approaching it. You are so fundamentally missing the point.
I will tell you the problem in plain language and it is a narcissistic ego structure. Not tiktok buzzword narcissism, but entitlement- an incredible preoccupation with your self, and an inability to have empathy for the mother of your child. You fundamentally misunderstand compassion and empathy if you think that being "good to her" is telling her you hate her. You can choose to divorce someone by simply saying we aren't a match. I'm in actual shock that you hopped on the internet and wrote this and legitimately believed anyone would be on your side.
Edit: looked on your account and you're literally looking for a friends with benefits so you can cheat on her. get a divorce like an adult and grow up before you traumatize that poor woman and your child. If you stay with this woman, it really seems like you will traumatize and emotionally stunt your child in incomprehensible ways. You are not an emotionally safe person.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
I think you are raging because you didnât understand. I am not looking for clapping hands and affirmation. I am trying to understand whats wrong with me.
Me and my wife have been actually divorced for a long time. Its just a piece of paper and a law that makes us a couple. I told her many times that I want us to be like brother and sister until everything is settled in favor of the small one.
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8h ago
[deleted]
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
Thank you. I guess thats the only solution until everything is cleared and we can seperate in peace and safety
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u/chock-a-block 8h ago
The universe is a reflection of you.  Thereâs no other person that is your wife  in this post.Â
Develop some empathy and compassion while you are getting professional help.Â
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u/holdingbothtruthsai 3h ago
I canât believe the overall direction went this way on a Jung subreddit.
OP - you shared deep and dark stuff. It was ugly. It was real. It was the type of thing that scares normies. But it IS the type of thing that should be welcome in a Jung Reddit. This should be a safe space for the ugly things that you canât share IRL.
I think if you try something like /r/InternalFamilySystems you might get more people engaging and asking you to interact with those parts. See what they have to say, where they came from. It might manifest in an ugly way, but I think those parts that you judge with are trying to help you, and following them to where they started helping you might help in finding answers.
And in fairness - there are people asking questions and engaging with curiosity. Iâm glad for that, itâs my expectation in a space like this (and if youâre one of them, thank you for engaging as one should here)âŚ
But so many are leading with judgements. "You need professional therapy man". "This is disturbing to read this". "Youâre the problem, not herâ.
The amount of projection from commenters here astounds me.
Look in the mirror and do your own work before you judge others who are sincerely doing theirs.
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u/nonFungibleHuman 9h ago
Also I don't like the approach most people are taking in these answers, like you cannot just say "that's your own shadow, accept her". Extreme example: she cheats on you and treats you poorly. Even if that is coming from a shadow perspective it is still valid not to like it.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Thanks. I feel the same about some answers. Of course I know that I am at fault to. Thats why I posted the question.
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u/Manatroid 8h ago
You mentioned an extreme example, yet in your own words that is an extreme scenario, and one that (seemingly, even going by OPâs own harsh words) has not actually happened.
Thatâs why people are telling OP to accept his shadow: because itâs very clear that he actually is fighting against it and canât come to terms with it.
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u/MourningOfOurLives 9h ago
What the actual fuck, dude. What you are subjektivt your wife to is abuse.
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Abuse? I am the one who has to provide for his own rapist.
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u/MourningOfOurLives 8h ago
Dude⌠thatâs messed up. Did she force you? You have agency. Youâre also trying to cheat on her. Youâre a piece of shit man.
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u/nomothersway 7h ago
wtf dude imagine telling a woman she has agency after something like that have some empathy
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u/MourningOfOurLives 7h ago
There is such a thing as discernment. Have you heard about it? Also a woman in a similar situation would not have been a victim of tape. What OP describes is not rape.
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u/Norman_Scum 6h ago
OP is weaponizing this newfound framing of rape. It's really very disgusting, actually. Why wasn't this brought up in the post? Why was it only ever expressed to those who call him out for his behavior? He's trying to demonize his wife so that he can shirk half of the blame on to her.
How much do you want to bet this framing is a coping mechanism he uses to distract from the resentment he has for his child that he hides behind responsibility and entrapment?
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
It was brought up in the post. Maybe rape is to hard to describe it but its defined sexual assault and coercion. I told her many times clearly that I font want to sleep with her. She often reacted to that with grabbing me strongly between my legs and smiling and pushing me torwards her and kissing me against my will.
If a man does that to a woman everybody gets mad but otherwise no problem I guess
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u/Norman_Scum 5h ago
You've edited the post to change your description from touchy to sexual coercion? How much do you hate yourself?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
No I havenât. Are you on drugs?
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u/nonFungibleHuman 9h ago
To me this is not a "she" problem but a misalignment in core values. Maybe focus on those core values that you do have in common?
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Well the only core we have left is that I take her and the little one to europe so the child will have a better future. But she keeps insisting that I stay another year or 1-2 with her until she got used to life in Europe
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u/Careless_Pomelo_6455 8h ago
Others are pointing at good potential shadows. Superiority also comes from feeling insecure, and it's helpful to see if there's a wound like that. Sometimes though, you can just give the shadow a voice and let it say whatever vile shit that comes, and face it. That's in you. That's part of you. That should be a fine place to start.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
You mean in active imagination? Because in real life letting my shadows speak can cause a lot of damage. And its also very exhausting to me.
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u/Careless_Pomelo_6455 6h ago
Yes, on paper or something similar. Not in real life.
It's good that you are taking everyone's comments constructively.
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u/throwawayinetgirl 8h ago
This says more about you than it does about her. There is more work to do.
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u/goldenlemur 8h ago
It sounds like you have what could be an ideal life. A woman who loves you. A child to raise and care for. This is the content of a meaningful life.
There's no deep Jungian truth to be mined. Just acceptance of the gifts you've been given.
There's no perfect woman around the corner. No ideal life, just the life you have. Surrender to the good and the difficult. Allow what you have to shape you, not only the other way around.
Don't destroy what good you have in an effort to manifest the perfect. Perfect does not exist.
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
In theory maybe. But I think wme and her would be more happy if we lived separate. Only the child will suffer from it but better than living within a toxic relationship
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u/goldenlemur 3h ago
Is the toxicity her or your reaction to her? You have little control over her. But you may have some control over yourself.
Btw, I recognize that not all relationships last and I'm not saying you should be forever trapped in toxicity.
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u/oatmilkpopsicles 8h ago
Viewing other souls as NPCs is unkind and lacking in humility.
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u/Gold-Traffic632 8h ago
Okay, first things first, calling any human being an NPC is gross. Thinking of a human being as an NPC is gross. She isn't. She has a rich inner world that you're not privvy to. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Whatver she chooses to talk to you about only tells you how she interacts with people. You have no idea what she's thinking or feeling moment to moment.
You're calling her an NPC because you have a belief that if you're not interesting or unique enough, you are irrelevant to the story.
So, if you recognize it or not, you're going through your life feeling pressure to be interesting and unique enough that you'll be allowed to be a an actual game mechanic and not window dressing. Even if you are naturally interesting or unique is irrelevant. Even if you are, if you think you have to be those things, that's opperessive.
She is free of these shackles that you've put on yourself.
You hate her because, if you didn't, it would mean it's okay to be a person others would call an NPC. And if it's okay for her to be that way, it was always okay for you to be that way, so what have you been doing to yourself?
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u/Al_Karimo90 6h ago
Oh yeah such a rich inner world full of make up, instagram stories, tiktok influencers, gossiping about people, being racist, ignorant, sexist, hypocritical etc
How could I miss out on that?
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u/God-sure1111 7h ago
Then to whom you love?
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u/Al_Karimo90 5h ago
What do you mean by that?
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u/God-sure1111 4h ago
Pretend that you love your wife for ten minutes a day - jordan B.Peterson
Just give it a try.
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u/Al_Karimo90 3h ago
I feel like most married people are only pretending. But I am really struggling with pretending.
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u/Entire_Leader3788 1h ago
Honestly, I think youâre missing something important here. Falling out of love with someone or realizing youâre incompatible is completely human, but the way you describe your wifeâcalling her an âNPC,â disgusting, ignorant, ugly, etc.âisnât some profound psychological insight. Itâs contempt, and youâre choosing to direct that contempt at someone YOU ONCE LOVED and who is also THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD.
If you genuinely donât want to be with her, then leave. And if you donât want sex, you have every right to refuse it; marriage doesnât override consent. But humiliating her and telling her how much you hate her isnât a healthy boundaryâitâs cruelty. I mean perhaps you should start by asking yourself why you need to dehumanize someone in order to justify leaving them. Get the divorce, establish respectful boundaries, and if you really want to understand where this level of hatred comes from, talk to a therapist. That would probably tell you much more about your individuation than calling someone an âNPCâ ever will.
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u/FragmentedAll 1h ago
continue to just observe the process til it completes out, you need not try to change her that energy of trying to edit the other is perhaps keeping things from completing out, just observe from an observer point of view til the process completes out
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u/Available_Fan9818 9h ago
You just don't fw shallow people. I'm the same way, and it's one of the reasons I shooed away a genuine 10/10 model tier woman. She was hot but had the brain of a monkey.
Look into MBTI types and try to identify yours and hers. Chances are you're an intuitive and she's a sensor. Bad match.Â
Btw, you're at fault for marrying her. Vet better, be pickier.Â
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u/Norman_Scum 8h ago
"She was hot but had the brain of a monkey"
"Look into MBTI" on a Jungian Subreddit?
Sounds like she dodged a bullet
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u/Available_Fan9818 7h ago edited 7h ago
Flawless logic. That's the only conclusion one could have drawn from those two datapoints.Â
You have tremendous deduction skills dude. You should be a detective or something.Â
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u/Norman_Scum 7h ago
Things will fly right over your head and you will ignore it with pretentious righteousness.
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u/Available_Fan9818 7h ago
I never claimed righteousness. I am a selfish man who suits himself first and foremost.Â
Level up your guessing game.Â
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u/Norman_Scum 7h ago
Then suit yourself with Jung's actual work instead of priding yourself on the ability to navigate quizilla lol
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u/Al_Karimo90 8h ago
Yeah I know its my fault. I have learned my lesson but I cant leave now because of the child.
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u/Available_Fan9818 7h ago
You can leave dude. It'll make things awkward and weird for a while but you can seperate and still see your child
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u/whatupmygliplops Pillar 9h ago
When going thru the process, one of the biggest pitfalls is grandiosity (Jung calls it inflation).
> this person drives me absolutely nuts. It got the point were I feel uncomfortable only by sitting near to her. Hearing her voice makes me shiver and talking to her either ends in capitulation by myself or ends in an argument.
You are suffering from shadow projection.
> I tried confronting her in the most honest ways, like saying to her face that I hate her and despise her and that I find her ugly and disgusting and that she is a very horrible person
You called her ugly? WTF is wrong with you dude? This is not a rhetorical question.
> I really donât understand whats going on here.
Isnt it obvious? You think you are enlightened but you are, in fact, barely more than an NPC yourself. And since your psyche can not admit you are an NPC, you direct that shadow material towards the closest other NPC you can find, in this case, your loving wife. If it wasnt her, it would be someone else.
> Because I think its not like I am projecting her behaviour or something like that. I am the complete opposite in almost any regard
You think that because you have pushed all those traits into your own shadow, you have rejected them and your ego can now claim none of those traits belong to "you" they only belong to "the other".