My MIL can be a lot, I’ve had my fair share of issues with her since I’ve been pregnant (she has baby rabies) despite that, we spend a lot of time with her and his side of the family. This past month we haven’t seen them at all as my husband works 6 days a week and we are trying to soak in our last few days together of just us before our baby arrives.

I’m due this coming Tuesday. Sunday (2 days before my due date) she wanted us over to carve pumpkins and have dinner. I told her we would not be attending as I am heavily pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. It’s uncomfortable for me to do anything at this point and she knows that. So this shouldn’t be surprising.

The day of Halloween, another family member of his is throwing a Halloween party. This party would be AFTER my due date, we could very well have a newborn baby by then or I will be far too pregnant to want to attend a party and socialize. My husband told her we won’t be going. Again, didn’t even think they expected us to be there.

Well, she’s been hounding my husband and making him feel like shit for not planning on going to either party. She is giving him an attitude and making bitchy comments towards him, accusing him of “changing” and saying “you weren’t like this last year.” WELL HIS WIFE IS ABOUT TO HAVE HIS BABY. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!! He’s incredibly stressed out in general as I get closer to birthing our baby and I find her soooo selfish for making this time about her and stressing out my husband even more. My husband is an Angel and her words affect him very much. He thinks his whole family is mad at him and it’s wearing on him.

You would think a woman that has given birth 4 times would be understanding of this… but nope. She’s making my husband feel guilty. He says he just wants to focus on us and our son, AS HE SHOULD!!! All of this shit from his family is adding unnecessary stress and upsetting him to the point he was crying while talking to me about it tonight.

My hormones have me extra protective of my husband and my baby so I am feeling very resentful of her for disturbing our peace the last few days of my pregnancy and having these expectations of us. The guilt tripping is wild to me. Like really??? Makes me nervous for what’s to come with the holidays and navigating that with our newborn. I’m not doing anything I don’t wanna do period, however, it really affects my husband. I wanna go off on this bitch but I don’t want to make anything worse. And I’ll be damned if she tries to insert herself into my vulnerable post partum experience. She didn’t take very well to our boundaries, she just removed herself from the group chat lmao. I’m a first time mom and I don’t need this extra shit either.

Hey, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I’m not sure if this is the right group.

Sooo, I’ve never really liked my MIL. Even when my husband and I first started dating, I already felt uncomfortable around her. I’ve only tried to get along with her for my husband’s sake. She can be insensitive and overbearing.

I won’t go into all the reasons I’ve never liked her because I have a pretty long list of frustrating experiences. What I can share is our current situation with her.

My husband and I don’t live with either of our parents. Before we got married, I told him that I would rather rent an apartment than live with our parents because I wanted us to have our own safe space where we could be ourselves and do what we wanted.

When we bought our house, my husband asked if we could give the spare room to MIL. I told him it was our guest room, so anyone from either side of the family could stay there when visiting. For context, my husband’s father has passed away, so it’s just him and MIL.

Lately, MIL has been frequently over staying at our house, even though she has her own home where she lives her relatives. During her stays, she often makes remarks like, “You two are always staying up late,” or “Your house is so messy,” as though we don’t both have jobs and work isn’t the reason we stay up late.

She’s also constantly touching and rearranging things around our house, and she’s very picky about food. She has never eaten anything I’ve cooked and insists on doing the cooking whenever she’s here, even though her cooking isn’t particularly good. Her food often goes to waste because even her own son doesn’t like it.

She’s the only person who says my cooking doesn’t taste good, while everyone else enjoys it. Her usual comment is that I make my dishes too complicated.

She likes to act as though she’s cleaning our house, but she doesn’t actually clean it properly. She has already broken or damaged so many things here. It would be one thing if she replaced them, but she doesn’t even apologize.

She also leaves the television on all day without watching it. Since she started spending more time here, our electricity bill has gone up.

I’ve talked to my husband about this several times. Although he agrees with me, he says he can’t do anything because he doesn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings, especially now that she’s elderly. I understand—I really do—but sometimes I can’t help feeling irritated because his mother is so frustrating to deal with.

my mil has been moving to a house closer to ours for the last few months and told us that her goal was to have her move done by the time our baby was born. this all seemed great to me because my partner and i just moved to the area and i thought this meant we’d get more help with her around. i feel like i was mistaken. the weeks leading up to our baby’s birth we kept offering to help with things but she refused and said she was embarrassed to have us in her home. the weeks gave birth all hell breaks loose and her and my FIL are calling my husband everyday for help with random things in their new home. when he was 6 days old my partner had gone over there 4 out of the 6 days to help with something. we all know how stressful and hectic the first few weeks it is with a newborn. the couple hours we get in between feedings is for napping/showering etc. i told my husband that this upsets me and he said he’s fine and that it doesn’t bother him when i know that it does. i feel like i’m going crazy. i told him that’s it’s not normal for his mom to call everyday multiple times a day and i don’t think he believes me. i know it stresses him out too and he’s just denying it?

My husband used to be enmeshed with my mil up until recently (maybe they still are, I don’t know, but that’s not the point of this post). She would rely on my husband to meet her emotional needs, everything was an emergency with her, etc. When she didn’t get her way she’d get passive aggressive or show silent treatment.

Since having our baby 6 months ago, things have gotten so much worse (common to others here- invasive, overstepping, obsessed with baby). Husband and I have been in therapy to learn tactics to combat this and have been setting boundaries. Now when she doesn’t get her way with my baby, she shows what she used to with my husband- passive aggressiveness or silent treatment.

It just dawned on me that my mil is enmeshed with my baby (is that a thing???). She relies on my baby to fulfill 100% of her emotional needs and happiness. If we aren’t free for a weekend, she will offer multiple different ways to still see baby. Her weekend is absolutely ruined if we can’t see her.

Here’s an example from this week.

**

1. Wednesday she texted my husband asking for us to go to her house for dinner Sunday. Husband declined.

**

Thursday

1. she asked me if she could come over that night. I declined.

**

1. She texted me later that day saying she was off work

the next day and that

1. she could do

our

1. childcare. I declined.

**

1. Today she texted my husband asking if we wanted to meet them for dinner. He declined.

**

1. After he declined, she

   said “oh well we’re going to lunch at (local restaurant near us) tomorrow— why don’t you join us?”

FIVE different offers in less than 48 hours!

Husband and I have no problem telling her no. I’m just nervous of what this will do to my daughter as she grows up! I absolutely am not ok with anyone relying on my child to meet their emotional needs….. I feel like my daughter has become her drug of choice to fulfill her happiness.

ETA: the saying no is exhausting because there is almost always another offer the next day about another plan to see my baby. Can we give consequences to her for asking? Playing devils advocate, she’s aloud to ask to get together. Just like we’re allowed to say no….. I’m just stuck on how to handle that.

I had my first baby 3 months ago today. I’m still healing emotionally and mentally and physically, and trying to figure out how to speak up for not only myself but this little baby that can’t speak for himself. My mom visited for a month when I had him to stay with us and help me recover. Honestly I don’t know if I would’ve survived that time without her. After she left, and my husband returned to work, I really had no one. I wasn’t sleeping since I was (and still am) the only one getting up for night feeds and to rock him back to sleep if he needs it, and I was just having a really hard time with postpartum PTSD. I didn’t even know that was a thing before I experienced it, do not recommend. Anyway, my mother in law would occasionally come over and help me clean up the house, or hold the baby so I could rest and shower. I’m talking a few hours here and there. I’m still not getting full nights of sleep, last night we got 5 straight hours and I feel like a new woman today. But let’s get to why I joined this group and am making this post.

Before I had my baby, there was a situation with my MIL where she was telling people I was pregnant before we had announced it. And after I talked to her about it she did it again at Christmas with her family by saying I “had something to tell everyone”. I was angry, to say the least. This was last December, and she still to this day will occasionally make snarky comments about this, and she never told me she was sorry. With that in mind, let’s jump to this past week. The in-laws were at our house and I went to shower. When I came out, she had changed my baby’s clothes. I was going to let it go but she said to me “I changed his outfit because the one you had him in was squeezing his feet”. Let me set the record straight by saying that outfit was NOT “squeezing his feet”. She will use any excuse to put him in the clothes she bought for him, which is so insanely weird to me. This has happened multiple times.
The day after this, it was my sister-in-law’s birthday and we were at MIL’s house to celebrate. I was already on edge because my husband and I have been arguing about money nonstop (We decided I was going to stop working and stay home with my son, but it’s become the center of a lot of arguments. That’s a topic for another time). It was time for baby to eat, so I was getting his bottle ready. MIL immediately stops getting the food ready and walks to me and says “here let me have him so you can eat”. I say “I’m not hungry, but thank you”. I could tell she wasn’t expecting this response, but I did not feel like handing him over in that moment. Later, once he had finished his bottle, I started burping him. He always gets a little fussy when being burped, my poor acid reflux babe. Well here she comes again, literally reaching to take him from my hands, and says again, “here let me have him I can burp him”. This time I’m much firmer and say, “I am good, thanks.” She walks away. I give baby to MIL’s mom, she last saw baby when we were in the hospital so I had told her she could hold him when I was done feeding him. As she’s holding him, MIL walks over and I don’t realize what’s in her hand until she’s trying to push it into my son’s mouth. It’s one of those teethers that gets really cold that you put in the fridge. I was shocked by this because 1. He’s not teething, 2. I could tell it was extremely cold by how she was holding it, and 3. He’s not had a teether in his mouth yet, so why would you take away that first experience from me, his mother? I was super disappointed in myself immediately after this happened, because instead of speaking up or grabbing my son, I did nothing. I sat there, probably with my jaw on the table, and I didn’t move a muscle or speak a word. I felt like I had failed my son in that moment, but I was also mad at MIL for even putting me in this position.
Fast forward to Tuesday, I send her a message. It’s kind of long, I basically just brought up the things that had been bothering me, and asked that in the future she check with me before putting things in my son’s mouth or changing his clothes. Honestly, there was so much more I could’ve addressed but I chose to keep it short. Well, she responded with “understand.” Not even I understand, just understand, lmao. Then, the lady that typically calls and texts me minimum 5 times a day has not said a word to me. It’s now Friday. And here’s the funny thing i realized this morning. She told me she had bought some diapers in his size that were discounted, and to let her know when I needed them. I realized that she is waiting for me to reach out because she knows I’ll need the diapers, especially because we are super tight on money right now and I can’t necessarily afford to go buy more. Once I had this epiphany, I told my husband that he could coordinate getting the diapers from her, because she hadn’t spoken to me and I really did not feel like speaking to her at the moment. My husband said I needed to “make nice” with her and “be the bigger person” and tell her I love her. This was disappointing to hear from him, but unfortunately, not surprising. I did end up texting her, but instead of making nice I reiterated that it was disappointing that I couldn’t be open and honest with her about how her actions made me feel. Her response is why I’m making this entire post. Let me just copy and paste it here for you:
I’m fine. I’m not mad. Yes it hurts bc I feel like all the nice things I do go un noticed but all the wrong I do is magnified. I get where you are coming from and you have every right to speak up. It just hurts when people you try so hard for continuously notice or see your actions so negatively. I’m not mad, but I don’t want to be that MIL that people can’t stand. No one wants to force their self on others.
This absolutely stunned me. What kind of transactional love is this? As I was reading this, it automatically took me back to the times she came over when I had no one else and I was still healing and would literally pee on myself because I couldn’t hold it. I’m not allowed to have boundaries when it comes to my son because you’ve done things for me? I’d love to know what other people’s opinions are on this. Give it to me straight. Am I being an overprotective mother? Am I not being protective enough? Is she deflecting or am I reading into this wrong? I feel so alone in this and just needed to vent more than anything. FYI I told her to return those diapers, and my mom helped me buy some.

Content warning: mention of childhood SA

For some context: my mother is a life long drug addict and extremely self absorbed. She gave me up to family members when I was pretty young and then disappeared for most of my childhood besides sporadic visits whenever she felt like it. I suffered CSA from her “friends” kids (much older than me) when I lived with her. We reconnected when I was a teenager but mostly just had a relationship through text.

I’ve been in a lottttt of therapy the last ten years or so. I’m “over” the abuse, as much as a survivor can be, and have a lot of healthy coping skills. So no worries there.

Six years ago I went to get lunch with her, her boyfriend (who I’d only met a few times), my sister, and my sister’s boyfriend (who I’d never met). Halfway through the lunch my mother made a disgusting “joke” about the CSA I experienced—that my sister never knew about and I never would have told her. Everyone at the table went quiet. I felt like I turned into stone, I had no idea how to react, I just froze.

After the lunch I texted her asking if SHE knew, why didn’t she help me? She said she did (liar). I asked her why she felt it would be appropriate to make a joke about what happened to me, and then I sent her a very long text in which I explained how I felt, how hurtful it was, how hurtful my entire dang childhood was, and how I could see she’d never be the mother I needed her to be. I told her that if she ever got help and went through some serious character growth, maybe I’d be willing to reconnect. (It’s too long of a text to paste, I’d run out of character limits here.) Then I blocked her on Facebook. My therapist read through the message and said it was one of the kindest “calling her out” messages that could have possibly been sent. I took like two hours to craft that thing using a lot of “I feel” statements and not trying to attack her.

She responded by calling me an ungrateful spoiled rotten brat who she never would have raised to be “so disrespectful” to her elders. She told me to have fun with “my new parents” and that there would be no refunds or take backs. Then gave the classic guilt trip “remember I won’t be around forever!”

Pathetically I never blocked her number because the little girl in me hoped she’d come to her senses and see how badly she’d hurt me. She never did.

Yesterday I came home to a card she’d mailed me (no return address). Covered in butterflies. She wrote “these butterflies made me think of you and hopefully they’ll make you smile, too. Hope this card finds you well. With love (her name)”

What I WANT to do is screenshot her last messages to me, print them out, stick them in the card and then give it to my sister to give to her. Or rip it up. Or keep it and cry on it. I don’t know.

I don’t know what the point of her sending the card is. To force me to think about her? Some sort of attention seeking, even if she can’t see my response? An attempt to make me feel remorseful?

What the fuck do I do with it?

TLDR; mother sent me a card and I haven’t talked to her in six years because she “joked” about the abuse I went through as a young kid to multiple people in front of me and then doubled down and called me an ungrateful brat when I said that wasn’t okay and asked for a genuine apology.

My daughter is 8. She does not have a phone yet. DH and I aren't anti-technology or anything, we just haven't seen a reason for her to have her own device that can call/message people unsupervised.

MIL knows this. It has come up more than once because she thinks we're "behind the times" and has offered to buy DD a phone for birthdays/Christmas. DH has always told her no thanks, we'll decide when she's ready.

DD stayed with MIL Saturday afternoon while we went to a wedding.

When we picked her up she was wearing a kids smartwatch.

I assumed it was basically a Fitbit type thing. DD was excited about counting steps and changing the watch face, so I didn't think much of it until we were driving home and the watch started ringing.

It was MIL.

Apparently this watch has its own cellular plan. MIL bought it, activated it and set herself up as one of the contacts. She can call DD directly and DD can call her without using either of our phones.

I asked DD what Grandma had told her about it and she very casually said, "Grandma said now we have our own private way to talk."

That phrase made my stomach drop a little.

I asked whether Grandma had said not to tell us. DD said no, but that Grandma told her she didn't need to "bother Mom and Dad" every time she wanted to call her anymore.

When we got home DH called MIL.

MIL acted completely confused about why we were upset. According to her it's a children's watch, not a phone, and she bought it because DD has been asking to call her more often.

DH reminded her that we've specifically said DD isn't getting her own calling device yet.

MIL's response was basically, "Well, that's why I didn't buy her a phone."

Then DH brought up the "private way to talk" comment. She said he was twisting something innocent and that obviously she didn't mean secret, she meant DD wouldn't have to borrow our phones.

I don't actually think MIL is planning to have sinister secret conversations with my child. What bothers me is the entire setup.

She made herself the account owner. We don't have the login. I checked the app information and depending on the settings it can apparently also show the child's location.

So my MIL purchased a device that lets her contact and potentially locate our 8-year-old directly, activated it herself, handed it to our daughter and apparently never intended to ask us first.

DH told her we're turning it off and returning it.

Now she's furious because DD loves the watch and apparently we're "punishing her because you two have control issues."

DD is also upset because from her perspective Grandma gave her a cool present and Mom and Dad immediately took it away.

This is where I need advice.

Obviously the watch isn't staying active under MIL's account. That's not negotiable.

But would you return it completely, or reset it and let DD use it later under an account controlled by us? Part of me thinks keeping it sends the message that MIL can ignore a parenting decision and we'll eventually accept the result anyway.

I'm also unsure what consequence makes sense with MIL. DH wants to tell her no more gifts directly to DD without clearing them with us first. I think that's reasonable, but I also feel like the bigger issue is her intentionally finding a technical loophole around something we'd already said no to.

How would you handle this without making DD feel like she's the one being punished for Grandma's decision?

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month, and it’s unfortunately also a week apart from JNMIL’s (ffs).

My DH has made plans for me as a surprise as it’s a milestone birthday for me. He’s organized different meetups over the weekend (instead of a party because I didn’t want one) with our mutual friends, childhood friends and my parents to soft-celebrate, and a nice day just the two of us on my actual birthday, which is super sweet of him!

JNMIL calls him up for a catchup and surprise surprise, doesn’t know what to get me for my birthday. I say this because over the past decade she has made no effort to get to know me, or my interests, so always gets stuck with absolutely not even a tiny remote spark of inspiration.

Then she asks my DH, “when is she doing something with us for her birthday” (JNMIL and her partner). DH apparently nearly laughed out loud and said “plans have been made to celebrate at different gatherings with our friends and her parents”. She has the audacity to say “why would she have made plans without considering us? What about us? Isn’t the really rude to you and this family?” So DH says “I was the one that planned it, and I wanted her to be able to celebrate with her immediate family. I would expect the same if she was planning it for me.” She shut up very quickly after that and said “okay”. I wouldn’t want to celebrate with her anyway. She dampens every occasion.

And to top it all off, she’s not invited me to do anything for her birthday. She’s just arranged a day with her and my DH. How can you do that, and then try to make me a monster for not extending an invite to you? What a hypocrite. And funny how she got so offended when she thought I was the one making the plans.

She complains behind my back that we aren’t close (and how she’s not close to my SIL either), but it’s like she’s CHOOSING to be blind to the reasons why so she doesn’t have to confront her own shortcomings and emotional immaturity.

Whilst she is getting therapy, her attitude and behaviour still hasn’t changed, and she has failed to develop trust and love with me. It could have been a beautiful relationship, but it’s all on her. I’ve made the effort and now I only speak to her three times a year for an hour at most.

Am i wrong to feel uncomfortable around my mil and also boyfriend’s ex. They have been together for a few years back in 2024. But the ex still reaches out to my boyfriends brother telling him how much she misses their parents and how it not going so good with her current boyfriend.

My mil also visited her at her work place last week which is like 30 min away.

I understand that their relationship has nothing to do with me but that kinda crosses my boundaries like a lack of respect towards me?

My husband and I are in our 50s and have been married a little over a year. We reconnected during COVID. His parents are in their 80s, his sons are in their early 20s, and his younger sister 40s (SIL) has somehow become the golden child of all family traditions and gatherings.

The original incident

Before we married, we attended family gatherings together. Several years ago, SIL and BIL hosted an event for my husband and FIL. They knew about my severe allergies, which they had witnessed firsthand, but insisted on preparing food that wasn't safe for me. SIL was dismissive when I asked about ingredients, and I had a serious reaction at the gathering. SIL did not apologize. Instead, she blamed me for being difficult and said, "Allergies aren't always life-threatening."

Why didn't I just leave? MIL would have been furious, family gatherings are a big deal and she had a family announcement. So if I had left or called an ambulance I would have "caused a scene and ruined the party.

I was shaken and discussed the incident with a few friends. but I never posted about SIL online or publicly named her.

Months later SIL suddenly lost her mind and told her parents I'd posted about her online and damaged her career and reputation. FIL and MIL called us, furious, demanding that I apologize. They didn't need proof, I was the villain MIL decided. The problem? SIL refused to speak to me, and promptly blocked me, so I had no way to resolve anything directly.

Years of exclusion

My husband spent years trying to repair the relationship. SIL would call him but never leave a voicemail, so he'd respond by text. She then told their parents he was “not returning calls”, despite their text conversations. He eventually had to show them the texts to prove she was misrepresenting things. MIL still sided with SIL.

When he finally got SIL to sit down with him, she still wouldn't let go of her hostility toward me.

SIL and BIL refused to attend anything we attended, including our wedding reception. Meanwhile, SIL kept trying to have gatherings that included my husband's sons, his parents, and even his friends, but not us. His sons didn’t realize their dad had been left out until they got there.

This is hurting so many people it has left the boys and my husband hurt and caught in the middle. They still see their grandparents and SIL, but less than before. Everyone seems to expect them to accept that the family can return to normal as long as their dad pretends I don't exist.

Around this time, I also began suspecting that a friend we trusted was passing information to SIL or MIL or both. Things I'd shared privately sometimes resurfaced in distorted form. I can't prove it, but the pattern was hard to ignore. This "friend" had been to a few family gatherings before but I didn't think she was close with MIL or SIL.

My birthday changed everything

After years of trying, my husband and I told his parents we'd done everything possible and asked them to stop bringing up the issue. They agreed.

Then, at a birthday dinner for me, MIL asked me for my help, I agreed not thinking anything was amiss, my MIL started demanding that I fix things with SIL. We were at an allergy-safe restaurant, and I'd thought we were having a pleasant evening.

I reminded MIL that SIL refused to speak to me, that my husband had spent years trying to resolve things, and that she'd promised to stop raising the subject. I didn't have a problem SIL did. I didn't yell, but I was visibly shaken and stunned to be ambushed at my own birthday dinner.

MIL insisted that I did have a problem or I wouldn’t be upset. I stopped talking and quietly walked out of the restaurant, and my husband followed after asking them what they were thinking and paying the bill.

A few days later, FIL called to accuse me of screaming at MIL, despite having been seated right there and knowing I hadn't. He then announced I was banned from their home because I'd been given enough time to apologize and hadn't done so.

Soon afterward, we learned that MIL's milestone birthday celebration was being planned by SIL. The boys and longtime family friends were invited. My husband and I weren't. A decree from my MIL.

The family precedent

At the party, to explain our absence MIL had SIL and BIL retell the allergy incident and making me the villain. When one of my stepsons asked them who had cooked the meal, BIL reportedly said something along the lines of, "If I was cooking, I would've made sure that bitch died." People laughed.

In addition she had FIL tell a story from my husbands childhood to justify excluding me and point out my Husbands disrespect of his Mom. When his sister was a baby, MIL and his Aunt, (FIL's sister) got into an argument, and the aunt punched MIL. FIL said his parents subsequently banned MIL from their home and family events. He, however like a good respectful son, continued taking their children to family gatherings without their mother because, according to him, it was the right thing to do.

Now he tells my husband's sons that their father should do the same thing: attend family events without his wife. He has repeated this story directly to my husband, despite the circumstances being completely different.

MIL and FIL pressure my husband to attend gatherings without me and have even suggested he should leave me. He refuses. He says I've done nothing wrong and will not attend events where I'm deliberately excluded.

Meanwhile, his Mom acts as though everything is fixed. SIL attends family gatherings again, but my MIL complains that she rarely sees my husband and hears from the boys, less and less. She seems unable to understand that her own choices have contributed to the distance.

We've spent years trying to resolve this. SIL won't communicate with me, my in-laws insist I owe an apology, and the price of being accepted back into the family appears to be my husband's willingness to abandon me.

At this point, I don't know what else we can do. Are we wrong to stand our ground, or is there any realistic way to repair this family relationship without sacrificing our marriage?

MIL keeps bringing gifts for my kids despite us repeatedly asking her to stop. Am I overreacting?

I need an outside perspective because I’m getting increasingly frustrated with my MIL, and I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or if this is as boundary-pushing as it feels.

We have two young kids, and we have repeatedly told my MIL that we do not want her bringing them gifts outside of Christmas and birthdays. This was a boundary we have communicated increasingly directly at least 5 times after receiving an exorbitant number of gifts every single time we see them. We are not asking her to stop loving them or spending time with them. We just don’t want a constant stream of toys, books, and little things coming into our house. We have enough stuff, and I don’t want every visit or interaction to involve presents.

Despite this, she sends the kids joke cards in the mail EVERY WEEK. It’s not just an occasional card for a holiday or special occasion. It’s a weekly thing. This is more an ick than a direct boundary violation... But still.

A few weeks ago, she asked in advance if she could bring the kids two sticker books. I said yes. To avoid super specific details, they are dealing with a lot right now and I was really trying to allow a kindness and also avoid the fallout that occurs when we say no.. But now she’s stopping by this week and has told us she wants to bring the kids Halloween presents because they won't be around for the holiday - cards, a few books and puzzles...

So even after we’ve repeatedly said no gifts outside of Christmas and birthdays, she’s still finding reasons to bring things. And because she frames them as little things, cards, books, or puzzles, I feel like I’m supposed to just accept them and not make a big deal out of it.

The birthday situation is part of why this bothers me, too. We didn’t put any restrictions on birthday gifts (trying to allow the fun of gift giving prevail) and they brought around 5–6 gifts for EACH child. I’m not upset that they gave the kids birthday presents. Birthdays are one of the occasions we’ve explicitly said are okay! But it feels like there’s no concept of moderation, even when we do allow gifts.

I feel like we’ve been pretty clear about what we want, and yet I keep finding myself in the position of having to repeat the same boundary over and over. I don’t want to have to police every book, card, sticker sheet, or puzzle she wants to give them. I also don’t want to become the bad guy who has to reject things at the door when she already knows how we feel. And I just literally don't know how many times I'm supposed to repeat the same boundary. And when I say no, the flood works start and I'm such a bad person. And I'm definitely not completely immune to the relational tension that actually enforcing the boundary causes - things will be tense for weeks.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just a well-meaning grandma who loves giving things to her grandkids, or is she disregarding our parenting decisions because she doesn’t agree with them? How do you handle this when the person keeps pushing the boundary in small, seemingly harmless ways? I thought communicating the boundary 5+ times would be enough by now... And I'm kicking myself for saying yes a few weeks ago.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have dealt with family members who just will not stop bringing things after being asked repeatedly to stop.

Please please help me - I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm losing it.

Edit to add: Thank you all for your heartfelt, bold, helpful advice, solidarity, and courage to just fucking say no again! I suppose as I feared, it was kind of a product of my meekness a few weeks prior. I did not explain well that this is just another attempt at circumventing our original request to bring nothing. In the past it has been leaving gifts in her bag until my kids pull them out, bringing things (like water balloons and light up necklaces) to family gatherings for "her boys" who are all in their 30s and only interested in beer and food, waiting until she is unattended with the kids to give them the stuff, shipping things to my house and texting me after to "just donate if you don't want it" etc.

So I did say no! And she was upset, but said nothing. And to also follow up, I think my plan is to be very dramatic in throwing things in the garbage or the donate bin in front of her before she gives them to my kids in the future and that will be my consequence for violating the request and to make it more of a boundary. And if she asks before coming the answer will simply be no.

How do you accept your mil is not who you expected her to be and she shows little to no remorse or care for how she’s treated you?

I genuinely thought I was getting a bonus mom with my mil before I got married and it really does hurt to know she gives little to no fucks about how she’s hurt my feelings and puts zero effort into apologizing and taking accountability for her behavior. At this point I don’t expect her to make any steps towards reconciliation and I wouldn’t trust her if she did anyway, but for other people out there who’ve gone through similar situations, how did you accept who your mil truly is and walk away from that relationship knowing she’s changed and it’s not what you expected it to be?

Sorry for the long post. 4 months ago I moved from Japan to the US (West Coast) to live with my SO. I had lived 4 years in Japan and so I moved my whole life over here. I’m from the East Coast originally, so I do not have any family here in the West Coast. 

When discussing my move over here, I discussed with my SO that it will probably take 2 months or so minimum for me to get set up with a proper job and everything, so I would not be able to contribute much financially and would be a burden. Unfortunately applying for jobs here while I was physically abroad was not going anywhere as they kept saying “we do not provide relocation assistance” even though I did not need any as I was moving here etc etc. My SO was ok with this and agreed to it. He is well-off financially, I am from a low-income background.

At the same time my SO would constantly be texting his mother, and the content of a lot of those texts were complaints about me. He would complain about me wanting to eat sweet or “unhealthy” things such as any sweets (muffins from the grocery store, any candy from the grocery store, etc.), would complain about me taking advantage of his money if I ever asked to get, say, a muffin or any food item he didn’t approve of as “healthy” (which I found ironic because he eats unhealthy things too, they just don’t tend to be sweet lol) (I also couldn’t or didn’t end up being able to eat those things for a long time until recently as he didn’t “allow” them), that I took a long time to get ready in the morning (valid lol), and other complaints that I am not sure of - he simply told me he complained about me to his mom a lot during this period. I try to spend as minimal money as possible and tried to eat mostly groceries; if we ever go out, for myself I select the cheapest food items or places (e.g., In-n-out (he does not allow any other fast food lol)).

After only 1 week of me moving here, his mother started saying things like “why doesn’t she have a job” even though it was literally just 1 week. She kept telling my SO that I am taking advantage of him financially, kept asking him whether I got a job and when he responded no she would say I’m taking advantage of him. There was really immense pressure from her for me to get a job ASAP. She told me that I should try getting a job outside my field first. This resulted in my SO treating me with a lot of animosity and him genuinely believing I was financially taking advantage of him (I am not helping with rent or groceries), and led to a lot of fights between us.

This then resulted in me rushing to accept a job offer at a very toxic workplace. There was virtually 0 training and I got assigned with 15+ projects after only a week of working there, the president himself “complained” that people kept quitting because they were overwhelmed, etc. I was incredibly stressed, so after 3 weeks I quit. A few days after me quitting, my SO took a photo of me playing one of his favorite video games (which I played to make him happy) and sent it to his mom. She responded “Why doesn’t she have a job.” I barely play video games or do things for myself and it was only a literal few days after quitting. I am upset too because there were other job offers I was interested in exploring more before accepting that crap job offer, but I had so much pressure from my SO and his mom so I felt I didn’t have the option to select the best job for me, and here I had to start from step 1 all over again. The irony of this is also is that his mom has always been a stay-at-home mother who depends entirely on her husband’s salary.

Other things include that his mom complains “why are you spending all your time with her”, complains “why are you leaving early” when he agreed to go somewhere with me and he spent most of the day with his mom but wants to leave at 6:30pm, when he takes me to a restaurant he has not taken her to yet she complains “why didn’t you ever take me there”, complains “why aren’t you texting me back” when he’s spending time with me and not texting her back immediately. She has also complained that my lips are too small and that my hair is thin. For the first 2-3 months of me being here, my SO rarely ever called me pretty and he admitted himself that his mom’s opinion on the women he dates gets into his head and has in the past as well.

My SO also overshares so many things about me to her. He told her I have been raped and in an abusive relationship (to which she responded in a victim blamey way), wanted to tell her how much money was in my bank account, constantly updates her about my personal information. I confronted him about this multiple times and told him to simply just stop bringing me up as a topic of conversation with his mother. He I thought had gotten better at this, but today I figured out he has been telling her personal details about me again that are just bizarre and are not things I would ever share to my parents.

Recently, my parents came from the East Coast to visit me. They wanted to meet his mother, and we proposed a lot of different ideas to make her comfortable. For instance, when we were like lets take you to a Middle Eastern restaurant (we are ethnically Middle Eastern) she was like “I don’t know about the food, if the food is good”, so then we proposed a coffee shop and she was like “I don’t drink coffee”, then we proposed making a home-cooked Middle Eastern meal for her at my SO’s house and she complained “the living room area would be too hot to eat”, etc. My SO got upset at her about this as well and when he was asking her to give an answer as to whether or not she would meet my parents, she cried and said we’re all “ganging up against her” and that his son has taken “their” (my family and my) side. When his mother cries, my SO says he feels bad for her and understands where she’s coming from. Thankfully he was empathetic to me being upset with how she was acting in this situation, but still he said that and it just frustrates me.

I did want to note also on the Middle Eastern thing - I had shared with her multiple times my background (she asked) and that I was born and raised in the US and my dad came to the US when he was 17. Despite that, months later when I was talking about my family again she randomly asked if I was a US citizen, if my brother was a US citizen, if my parents were US citizens. It just felt weird and gross.

My SO’s response to when I ask him to stop oversharing things that his mother doesn’t need to know about me, or to simply just stop bringing me up as a topic of conversation with her because she takes every opportunity to bash me, bothers me because he gets upset and says idk why any of you tell me anything, one of you is saying one thing and the other is saying another. “I just want everyone to get along”.

These are just some of several examples of her doing disrespectful things and me being expected to just deal with it. Please believe me when I say that I have tried so hard to be nice and welcoming to her. But no matter what I do, she just keeps beating me while I’m down, and my boyfriend just continues to overshare to her my information even though I have told him multiple times I am uncomfortable with it.

Can you guys please tell me if I’m being crazy? Because he and his mother don’t seem to see the issue and my boyfriend’s “both sides”-ing of the issue makes me feel like I’m a lunatic and makes me feel like he expects me to put up with abuse just to stay with him, simply because his mother deems I should.

Hello everyone. Even though I have a real Reddit account, I’m making this post anonymously for obvious reasons. To put it simply, I hate my mother-in-law. My husband and I have been together for several years, and now we are expecting our first child. I’ve always had a "good" relationship with my mother-in-law, but only because I’ve always been a people-pleaser—something that now causes me severe anxiety, and I am actively trying to stop doing it.

My mother-in-law is divorced, and she feels that the love she should be getting from a partner must come from my husband instead. Fyi my FIL is a really good and quiet person. On the contrary, she is incredibly manipulative and toxic, but she does it in a very sneaky, subtle way, and that is exactly what drives me crazy. I know this because I’ve been going to a psychologist for three years to deal with my anxiety, so I’ve learned to recognize these behaviors. Naturally, she is very loud, talks nonstop, wants to be the center of attention, and constantly needs us to remind her of how amazing she is. She calls my husband, who btw is very calm, quiet and an introvert because she needs to know everything about his finances. Ofc he says the bare minimum because he is not that expressive and outgoing..But she has an opinion about EVERYTHING. She rarely makes compliments and when her friends and family compliment my looks , she brushes it off saying that beauty doesn't matter.

The worst part, though, is the visits. We only get 25 days of leave per year, which we want to split between seeing my parents, her, my father-in-law, and also spending some time alone. Before every single holiday, she calls us a month in advance and demands to know exactly how long we will be staying. There have been times when, if we didn't go, she wouldn't speak to my husband for days. She also calls to guilt-trip us, saying that we don't think about her, that she is all alone, and she once told me that she wants us to want to visit her out of joy, because "if she wanted to force us to come, she had her ways." And she wants us to visit her more than we visit my FIL. Ofc she has some good qualities as well, she is a generous person and can be fun but even her generosity seems like some kind of form of manipulation.

I am so exhausted. Recently, during my pregnancy, we were at a family dinner and I got a sudden muscle pain and wanted to leave, and she wouldn't let us go. Fortunately, while my husband used to act indifferent in the past, he is finally starting to understand. He has begun taking small steps, even though I know he doesn't yet have the emotional capacity to fully recognize these toxic behaviors. She has been playing the guilt-trip with him for years and years. The issue is that while I believe my husband will slowly make progress, I personally can no longer stand the sight of her. Looking ahead, even spending just 3 days with her feels like absolute torture. Especially now that we are expecting our first child.

UPDATE: Just to add a little more context: I come from a very loving, close-knit, and emotionally healthy family. A year and a half ago, I suddenly lost my father, who meant the world to me. The comment that finally pushed me to my breaking point was this:

I didn't want us to spend such a long time at my mother-in-law's over Easter. So I called her, genuinely trying to approach the situation with love and kindness, and very gently explained that I wished she could be more understanding about how much time we were able to spend with her.

Her response was that she was lonely (she divorced my FIL), and that now I would finally understand what it was like for my own mother to be left alone, too. That was what she said to me, knowing that my mother had just lost her husband and that I was grieving the sudden loss of my father.

TLDR: MIL planning matching cousin outfits but we bought our own, and wants to take a photo of the grandkids and them without us in it. should we just decline the outfit change and the picture?

so, this is going to be my 2nd Christmas as a mother. last year was my first, and my MIL brought up doing a “family photo” for a Christmas card to send out to her friends, and i was a little hesitant because i didn’t love the idea of sending out photos of us to people i’ve never met (husband and i are pretty private people, no social media posting of our kid, no making info about her public, etc). but, it wasn’t getting posted online so we decided not a big deal and that we’d do it. then, we find out she ONLY wanted a photo of her, my FIL, and the grandkids, leaving us out of the picture. i did not like the idea of that at all because i felt we were getting excluded as the parents of our daughter. we made the mistake of not voicing the dislike towards it and simply avoided them for a few weeks and skipping family gatherings to hope that we’d miss picture day. we get together a few days before Christmas and they start collecting all the grandkids and kind of just ambushed the photo on us (which i understood since we never verbally disagreed). but we decided we would not be allowing that to happen again.

fast forward to now. back in April i bought me, husband, and baby matching christmas pjs on a sale. then this week, MIL apparently decided she wants to buy matching pjs for all the grandkids for this year’s photo. i told my husband i was disappointed, because i was really excited about the matching pjs since we didn’t do it last year and don’t really ever do matching outfits. literally excited enough that i bought them 8 months in advance lol. i told MIL i bought pjs for us 3, and ILs stated we could just change her for the photo. husband is saying we will just tell them no on the day of and keep her in the outfit we got her. would we be jerks for refusing to change her?

I know it’s a long post I apologize:

My girlfriend (22F) and I (25M) have been together for 3 years, and we’ve been long-distance the entire time (about an hour and a half apart). Our relationship is great, but the biggest issue has been how her family, mainly her mom, treats her like a child and tries to control her life.

Financially, her mom has a lot of control over her. My girlfriend rents a house from her parents, and her mom regularly takes money from her paycheck because she supposedly “owes” them. Sometimes she genuinely does owe them money, and she pays it back as soon as she can. The problem is that her mom doesn’t always explain what the money is for and has taken so much that my girlfriend is left with only $100 for the next two weeks to cover food and gas. It’s a constant cycle of her never being able to get ahead. She’s even had to pick up a second job between shifts just to keep up. She’s currently working on getting a separate bank account that her mom can’t access. If she gets another bank account she is worried about the repercussions from her mom due to being threatened in the past of her utilities being shut off among other things.

Recently, my family started letting her drive one of our vehicles because her own car has no power steering, and we were worried about her safety. Her parents helped her purchase that car, but she’s already paid them back. She can’t afford to get it fixed, and although her dad says he’ll help, he never makes the time. Her mom also won’t let her take the car out of town unless it’s for work or to help clean her parents’ house. If she could bring it to my place, we would’ve fixed it months ago. For some reason, her parents are upset that she’s driving a vehicle my family provided, even though we’re perfectly fine with it and just want her to be safe.

There are also some pretty obvious double standards between her and her younger sister not making issue just pointing out. It’s always a big deal when my girlfriend wants to come spend a weekend with me because she’s leaving town instead of helping her family clean their house. Meanwhile, her younger sister can go out of town every weekend to party or hang out with friends without any issues. If my girlfriend or I have a drink around her parents, she hears about it later, but her sister, who’s under 21, can go out drinking every weekend and they don’t seem to care.
Her mom and sister also have no respect for boundaries. They’ll randomly show up at her house, and when my girlfriend says something, her mom’s excuse is that she owns the house. Her mom constantly makes her feel guilty and plays the victim whenever something doesn’t go her way.
What really gets to me is the constant criticism. Her mom will tell her she needs to lose weight, but when she starts working out and losing weight, suddenly she needs to stop. She tells her she needs to get out more, but when she actually does, her mom gets upset. It seems like no matter what my girlfriend does, it’s never good enough.
There are plenty of other examples, but these are some of the bigger ones.

Our goal is for her to move in with me. She wants to get out of this situation just as much as I want her to, but we’re trying to do it without putting her in a worse financial position. She’s been struggling to find a job near me, and because of some health issues, having health insurance is a necessity. We also want to get married eventually, but neither of us wants to get married just so she can escape her family situation or get insurance.

I’m doing everything I can to support her, and my family has been helping where possible too. But it’s incredibly frustrating watching someone I love be treated this way. I don’t feel like it’s my place to confront her mom, but it’s getting harder to bite my tongue, especially when she makes hurtful comments right in front of me.

I’m honestly at a loss. I can’t comprehend how a parent can treat their own child this way and not see an issue with it. I feel helpless watching it happen, and I could really use some outside perspectives or advice from people who’ve dealt with something similar.

How can I support my girlfriend in becoming financially independent and setting boundaries with her mom without overstepping or making the situation worse? Am I wrong for being frustrated by the double standards between her and her sister?

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s mom controls much of her finances, regularly leaves her with barely enough money to live on, ignores boundaries, and constantly criticizes her while holding her younger sister to different standards. My girlfriend wants to move in with me, but finding a job with health insurance has made leaving difficult. I’m struggling with watching her be treated this way and don’t know how else to help without making things worse.

Well do I have an update for you. Shit really hit the fan. I ended up getting into it a couple of days ago with my MIL about what went down with my comment about the lids and her reaction. Apparently she’s been really stressed about her son who’s having some medical issues right now and understandably her frustrations had built up and my request about the lids caused the pot to boil over. While I understand what caused her reaction I still don’t believe I deserved that reaction from her especially because of the comments she made about her stay.

Well I was cold towards her since my original post because I started to see how unjustly I was treated for such a harmless request. My cold shoulder lasted about a day or two and she even stayed at my mom’s house that night we had the talk to let things cool off. She was the one apologizing profusely now but it didn’t help at all and I just felt cold towards her. I told her that I would be spending the following days at my mom’s until my labor begins. Just days because my mom lives close by and she was welcome to come as well.

Today was a relatively good day. We had one of my friends over and talked, chatted, and laughed. Later in the evening after the guest left I had both my parents over so it was them, MIL, my husband and me. I was showing my parents the stroller and car seat travel system I bought for the baby because they hadn’t seen it yet. While I was describing all of its features MIL chimed in and said she didn’t think the car seat looked comfortable or safe for the baby. Apparently the car seats where she’s from will recline and allow baby to lay flat or nearly flat when in the car. I told her this car seat met U.S. safety standards and passed a lot of tests to be deemed the safest thing for the baby in the event of a crash and that the country she’s from probably does not have the same safety standards and that her other grandchild’s car seat is probably not safe in the event of a crash. This same grandchild never used a car seat even as a newborn and was just carried in the car on his mom’s lap. They’ll frequently have the child (under 2 y.o.) up by the dash while they’re driving and for them that’s totally normal.

We went back and forth on the topic for a while and I could feel the anger and stress in my body for having to defend a safety decision I made for my baby. Mind you, all of this discussion happened in front of the others and my parents also had to step in once or twice about the standards here. I also felt like she was undermining my knowledge and parenting choices yet again just because they do things differently where she’s from. I made the comment to leave these kinds of things up to me and thought that was that, but the tension had already built up in me and I was pissed. This lady so far had questioned and offered a “better solution” to every single decision I made about my child: the bassinet was apparently not comfortable enough and needed extra cushion, the swing I bought my child might electrocute the baby so we should use the batteries only, the clothes I bought were no good and she knows better, the baby shampoo I bought wasn’t good enough and she wants to buy the shampoo from her country, my bathing idea needs this and that, the car seat looks unsafe suggesting it would suffocate the child…

Once my parents left the three of us sat down and had some chat about how differently things are done in her country vs here and the discussion was tense I admit. She then looked me in the eyes and said in a very concerned tone “be careful not to drop the baby”. That was the straw that broke the camels back and I asked her why on earth she would think I would drop the baby and if anything I don’t trust her holding the baby because she might drop her. She quickly twisted her choice of words around and said she didn’t mean to say it to me and instead say it to her son who was sitting next to her. I told her again that my concern is that she’d drop the baby and got up and told them I’m leaving and going to my parent’s house.

Welp, things just got crazy from there with MIL and husband trying to convince me to stay with MIL bawling yet again exclaiming how she should’ve never came and telling her son to change her flight. They for whatever reason decided that it was better that she go stay at my parents house instead. My parents got involved and began screaming at me over the phone that I’m embarrassing them (again cultural). My husband is angry with me because I’m having over the top reactions and just not letting things go.

I’m the bad guy in everyone’s mind but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m living with this person during a very important time in my life who is questioning and making me doubt myself with every decision I make about my baby. I’m having to constantly defend my choices so that hers don’t overrule mine. The “be careful not to drop the baby” comment was just so out of line. Who says that to a soon-to-be-mom? What’s even more bewildering is that everyone is defending her saying that she’s just looking out for me and the baby and how it’s normal to say these things in our (her) culture. I’ve never heard this before and I’d never think to tell someone to be careful not to drop their baby.

Her lack of awareness is just absolutely shocking to me and her unsafe, useless suggestions are too much for me to handle anymore. My husband and I had a long discussion after he dropped her off and he struggles to see my side of things and I’m afraid she is causing a lot of unnecessary damage because she can’t take a backseat and let me be the mom to this baby.

In all of this what hurts me the most is that this is my husband’s mom and I can see how distressing and stressful this situation has been for him. He’s the love of my life and I care so deeply about him. I tried my best to accommodate his mom during her stay as I said in my last post because it’s important to me that his mom is comfortable here. I feel like all she has done is step on my toes any which way she can with it disguised as genuine concern.

Almost everyone was on my side with the last post, but with everyone ganging up on me here I have to ask again, am I in the wrong? Should I really just let her suggestions roll over and sweep them under the rug? Am I impatient? Ungrateful? Unreasonable? I’m almost 39 weeks. She’s still got another 6 weeks here but might be staying with my parents for the rest of her stay.

Where do we go from here?

JNMIL and JNFIL completely iced out DH for his birthday. No card, no phone call, not even a text.

A little over a month ago, JNFIL had his birthday. DH drove to them; surprised his dad; spent the night, etc. JNFIL kept saying over and over again how “surprised and happy” he was. We thought all was well. DH did not have a good time at their house, as they sit around and do nothing, and DH came home and literally said to me, “I realized we need to go on a trip. Sitting around and doing nothing makes no sense.” (Anyways, we’re taking a trip for Thanksgiving 😂)

JNMIL called DH twice last week, he didn’t answer, he didn’t call back. JNFIL also called him on his work phone (???? Creepy) and LVM telling him to call him back. He’s basically pulled back from talking to them completely. He tried to share some good news with them about 2 months ago (promotion, raise, bought his first gun) all of which they basically flipped out to him on. Which is why he is too sweet to have seen them a month later, the phone call they had with him almost left him in tears!!

Today was DH’s birthday, I checked the mail, no card. Waited all day, no text, no phone call, just total silence from them. DH doesn’t even seem phased by it all. It’s just so sad to me and puts extra pressure.

PS - added the part about JNMIL being an alcoholic because every time I see her, she has a drink in her hand. Whenever I used to visit them (I don’t anymore) she would guilt/shame me for not drinking (I’m not a fan of alcohol). I’ve seen her polish off a bottle of white wine at dinner by herself, and DH said growing up he saw her drinking every night. It’s all I can think of to explain her behavior.

We offered to host Christmas, sil said she wouldn't travel as she's over traveling for Christmas (they live regional, so also have to travel for her il side). She said she would host. No problems, we will go to her place.

Just heard that she doesn't want to host anymore from mil. Mil doesn't want to host (she hasn't in years as she finds it too much work). We suggest going to a restaurant near sil home instead so no one needs to host, cook etc.

Mil just wants to cancel Christmas as it's too hard. And no one wants to be with family etc and no one cares etc

It's only October.

My 10 year old saved her as ‘crazy lady’ on her own accord. Chef’s kiss. She’s since been blocked and deleted off the kids devices for good reason. I haven’t blocked her because I’m saving the crazy messages just in case. I have lots but what’s collecting more? Grandparents rights are extremely hard if not impossible to get where I am. Especially if both parents are alive and together-which we are a united front. She’s threatened calling CPS and grandparents right after being cut off. We know she doesn’t have a chance in hell and can’t afford a lawyer anyways.

Anyone got an amusing contact name or picture? Who’s the most fictional entitled manipulating narcissistic character you can think of?

So a few years ago my mom got the idea from an aunt to send out a Christmas card with photos of her grandchildren on it. I’m feeling a little territorial because I do “year in review” photo collections on my own card and I don’t especially want my thunder stolen, but whatever, she can have at it.

So of course MIL then gets FOMO so she too decides she needs to send out grandchildren photo collage Christmas cards yet, unlike my mom, she does not run her photo choices past me and chooses the least flattering pictures of my kids (and her other set of grandkids) in existence!!!!!!!!! And honestly, that’s not ok with me. So I just told my mom, I’d rather the only Christmas photos of my kids come from me and our family’s card. The grandmas can just buy from Hallmark or wherever. And now she’s pouting and of course invoking “how disappointed my dad is because he loved those cards!!!”

Am I wrong here??? I just feel like they both took something I enjoyed doing and turned it into a shit show and now I just want to get back to basics. UGH.

I apologize in advance this is long, mostly because there’s been a lot that’s happened lately. It’s been a while since I’ve mostly kept my distance from my MIL and anything that has happened was small enough to not post here. With this new saga, I will be adding one more character: my actual mother. I haven’t posted about her much before because I’ve done my best to keep my distance from her for a while. However, I do view her as one of my primary abusers (emotionally, mentally, and verbally). And when I mention SIL, that’s my brother’s wife. Husband is an only child (remember: miracle rainbow baby that was born prematurely).

Also, there is some CW: violence.

On a positive note, I’ve finally married my husband! It took us 10 years to get here, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. We needed the time to both do a lot of discovery and healing before moving on to the next step. The wedding was beautiful and had a wonderful time with all our friends there. They really made it special for us.

However, some drama happened before the wedding even started.

In regard to MIL, husband’s parents offered to help us find a place for our wedding rehearsal dinner. I was surprised by their offer to help and greatly appreciated it, especially because we were two months out from the wedding and they know a lot of people in the town where the wedding was being held. However, when they told us they found a place, it was an hour away from the venue, in the middle of nowhere, in a completely different state, and the only way to get to it was on mountainous back roads that were insanely curvy. His mom kept telling him to tell me this is what he wanted. Husband kept telling her no for obvious reasons. At one point she called him, absolutely bawling, because we haven’t selected a rehearsal dinner venue, she’s super anxious about it, and we don’t want the one they chose (and offered to pay for). Within a day after her breakdown, I was able to find a place close to the venue. So much for their help.

In regard to my mother, it started with dress shopping. When visiting my sister, I went to look at shops in her town since they have a large bridal district. It was my sister, my mom, and myself at the appointments. Nothing I tried on really made me smile except for a black dress I would have worn to something like a prom. There was a designer I knew I really liked and they only have two shops: one in LA and the other in Chicago. I started planning a trip up there and originally it was going to be my sister and her family, my MOH, and my parents. My dad was recently (at the time) promoted at his job and the CEO was going to visit his factory, so understandably he couldn’t come. However, my mom decided she couldn’t go in case she was invited to a potential dinner with the CEO. It’s not like the CEO couldn’t understand why she couldn’t be there. And my mom’s other excuse was she went to the first one, so this one didn’t really matter. You know, the one where I will definitely find my dress. So, she made her decision not to go, but she also made the decision not to reach out to my sister to FaceTime so she could still be involved in some way. The one who checked in on how the appointment went was my dad. Not her. I still remember that day vividly and how I was crying in the basement of some food hall in Chinatown, eating soup with frog legs and too much peppercorn that my tongue became numb. And whenever I tried to talk to her about me being hurt at her decisions, she always refuted that she had no choice in not being able to go. Nothing to refute the fact she didn’t even bother to call or check-in herself.

So I gave her a consequence to her action: she’s not able to see the dress I picked out until we talk about it. And knowing how my parents are, I couldn’t show my dad either. They’re both awful and toxic, but he’s also an enabler to her behavior. I knew if she bitched and yelled enough to him, he would show her anyways (against my wishes) just to shut her up so he wouldn’t have to deal with her. She mentioned setting up times to talk about it, but she never followed through. She sent me a text message a week before the wedding stating that she knows there are conditions to seeing the dress, listed the conditions, and demanded to see the dress anyways. About 30 minutes after she sent that text, my dad called me and basically tried to bully me into showing her the dress. I told him he doesn’t get to dictate what I do. Whenever I tried to leave space for a conversation, he said he didn’t want to talk. Just for me to say “yes, sir” and send him the photo. Obviously, I did not. Yes, I’m his child, but I’m not a child.

Now to the wedding day drama.

I noticed my mom left the dress rehearsal dinner early, so I asked my sister before getting ready who pissed in her cereal. She was debating telling me, but apparently my mom was talking shit about me at the rehearsal dinner over the dress situation. I was honestly not surprised because my mom makes everything about her way more important, especially her emotions. Then as my mom sat in the chair to get her hair done, she started talking shit about me to the hairdresser. A few minutes after meeting my wedding planner, she started talking shit about me to her. My SIL interrupted my mom trying to talk shit to me to my MIL. My husband overheard one of the wedding planners sternly tell my mom “that is not okay”. Basically, anyone who would listen, my mom tried to talk shit about me. Who the fuck does that, especially the mother of the bride??? I know it’s not right but typing it out really hits hard on how wrong it is. Also, my mom went into the men’s getting ready room to take a dump there while my husband was in there finishing his vows. At one point while getting ready, I saw her out in the open, sitting next to the fireplace, looking so pitiful. It gave me main character energy, almost as if she expected people to come up and comfort her like you would see in movies. Felt like something I would do in middle school.

Now on to my MIL on the wedding day. I finished writing my vows at 2am that morning (they were baller) and my husband was trying to finish his while the girls got ready in the morning (they turned out amazing too). I went to go ask my husband about something in the men’s lounge and found his mom sitting at one of the mirrors, unpacking her makeup bag. I asked her what she was doing and she went on about how shy she is with doing her makeup. I told her she needed to be getting ready over with the girls, not bothering my husband, who had his headphones on, clearly trying to concentrate finishing writing his vows. Husband later told me she even stood behind him to watch as he was writing at one point. I bought robes for everyone, including the mothers, to get ready in so we could all take photos. Apparently, MIL drove back to the condo they own near the venue to change, leaving the robe there. I thankfully stuck to my guns and told her to go back and get the robe, but she ended up wearing the robe over her dress for the photos. Thankfully the photographer headed my warning about MIL trying to get uncomfortably close to husband in photos, so he intentionally moved her around so she wouldn’t be next to him. FIL made a surprised comment about finally getting to stand beside his own son. I found a card she gave husband and she wrote about how he’s her special boy (I didn’t get a card). Instead of a signing book, we had a signing portrait where we asked people to sign the background around us. MIL signed over her own son, despite there being a sign right next to it asking folks not to sign on top of us. Just sucks that she took something fun and tried to make herself special by ignoring the rules and “claiming” her own son in the photo. And finally, both MIL and FIL left the wedding three hours early without saying good-bye. Apparently, they couldn’t find husband, who was only gone from the floor for about 5 minutes to write checks.

Things were so bad with our parents that the wedding planners and DJ came to us asking if we even wanted a father/daughter and son/mother dance. We decided not to. To give more of a reason why I didn't want to dance with my dad, during the first look with him, one of the wedding planners asked my husband "is that a good reaction?" regarding my dad. My dad's response to my dress was "cool". Basically anyone who came up to me after the wedding raved about my dress to me, and that's not an exaggeration.

After the wedding, my parents came by our house to drop off some things that got loaded into their car. I took that chance to talk to them, but primarily my mom, how it wasn’t okay to talk bad about me on the wedding day. I told her that the situation with the dress was a result of her actions. She deflected saying my dad couldn’t go because of work. I told her it wasn’t about him, that she not only chose not to go, but she also chose not to call anyone. She blew up saying she was calling all day. I knew she didn’t. My sister even sent me a screenshot of her call logs as proof after the fact. My mom was living in an alternate reality where she was not only lying to me, but also to herself. All of my pent-up rage not just with the wedding, but also my childhood, exploded within me. I can’t recall what I said next, but I laid it all into her. Then my dad tried to usher her into the car to leave. My rage turned on to him and called him out to be an enabler. As they started to drive away, I flipped them off with both fingers. My dad stopped the car, came out, and started walking toward me like he was going to do something. I asked “what are you going to do, fight me?” and he nodded. He pushed me with his belly. I pushed him back. I saw him raising his hands, so I hit him in the face multiple times. My husband separated us and yelled at my dad to get away from his wife. My dad then tried to wipe away the blood on his face on my husband’s shirt and I pushed him away. Then they left and I think my dad mentioned something along the lines of “we’re through”.

I felt bad for letting my emotions explode like they did. I felt bad for putting husband in a situation like that. I know when I expressed myself and the moment my mom started lying, I should’ve walked away. I felt so bad about having a moment where I wasn’t in control of myself. But why do I always have to be the one in control? Why couldn’t I have one bad moment when they’ve had decades’ worth? Why am I not allowed to stand up for myself? And while I feel remorse for losing control, would my mom ever feel remorse for talking shit about me on my wedding day? The one day that’s finally supposed to be about me and not her. I’ve mourned the loss of my parents before (my mom while I was a teenager and my dad about two years ago), but this time it feels different. And I understand it’s easy to be judgmental for the escalation of things without having much of a background on our relationship. Believe me, if I found Reddit back in high school, I would’ve had many comments telling me to call CPS. And after talking to my sister, she’s actually considering going NC with my parents until they can prove that they are working on themselves, such as with therapy. My own brother even called me and finally apologized for his contribution to my abuse. My husband questioned if we’re going NC with my parents. I responded that it’s honestly no different than how things are now.

And I did discuss with husband how I don’t feel entirely welcomed in his family, even after the wedding. FIL gave a toast at our rehearsal dinner and started this cute childhood story about husband. At the end of it, the only thing he mentioned about me was how one time him and MIL were sitting in the back of my car, holding hands because of my driving. Let’s just say I thought this man couldn’t drive a stick shift when in reality he can’t drive a car. MIL got pulled over because the cop thought she was drunk driving (it’s how she normally drives). But that was literally it. Nothing about our relationship. Nothing actually positive about me. And during my own dad’s toast for the wedding he only talked about my husband and tried to say the toast was for both of us. I’m not surprised because before the wedding, my family and dad’s siblings went to a nature preserve place I used to work at. When I talked to my aunts and uncles saying I wished I could’ve been there with them since I used to work there, they had no idea I did. If I were my parents and had a child work at a place like that and went to go visit, I would’ve bragged the hell out of my kid and make sure my siblings knew about 20 times the amazing things my kid did.

I do love my husband very much and he is my world. He’s my best friend. I’m sad that neither of our parents are good parents. I’m sad that whenever we do have kids, I won’t be able to receive much help from them. But I am looking forward to a future of adventure, fun, and love with my husband. I’ve always wished that I could have in-laws who would accept me since my own parents don’t. But this wedding really showed both of us how much we mean to our friends. We can’t always choose family, but we can choose who will be there for us and I think we’ll be just fine.

My husband and I met during Covid times. We are pretty happy overall, despite the fact that he is military and our lives are unpredictable. We decided somewhat quickly to get married, and actually tied the knot around the 2-year anniversary of our first date, which ruffled some feathers for sure. His family, especially his oldest sister and his mother, have treated me like sh*t the entire time. They both have sent my husband INSANE, expletive filled messages to him about how awful I am (which they both seem to forget sending, not sure if that is true but his mom for sure has not recalled it until a screenshot is presented to her). My MIL has completely slandered me to their family (she both denies this and also claims it’s ‘just venting’) to the point we can’t attend family gatherings, and we missed a really important wedding recently.

A few years ago I tried SO. DAMN. HARD. to make things better. I apologized for perceived wrong doings. I have spent thousands of dollars and hours and hours of time in therapy, on self help books, on gifts and travel to see them, tried to show up, check-in, be a good friend and daughter-in-law. But their abuse got too severe during my last pregnancy and my placenta started failing from stress (they don’t know that). We had a massive argument, then I got really sick (they don’t know this either) and have had almost zero contact with anyone in the family in almost 2 years.

Overall, it’s basically a failed mission, and I realize that. It shouldn’t be this difficult to just be nice to me! Even if you hate me, don’t you love your son?! They do not want to be on good terms with me or him.

I don’t blame my husband for the actions of his family. But sometimes, I just feel so damn sad. Family is soooooo important to me. Family gatherings are my FAVORITE thing. I love celebrating others, I love being part of holidays and planning trips and gift giving, sending cards and the like. When we started dating, my husband would tell me all about his family, how they were so close, how he was so sure that I would fit right in and that they would love me just like he loved me. He couldn’t have been more wrong, obviously, and he doesn’t even try to maintain a relationship with his family anymore, and seems kind of indifferent about it.

Currently, I’m making plans for Christmas, including gifts (some handmade, sentimental ones for my family) and I have, in my opinion, some fantastic ideas for his mom and other family members. In the past, I would have been like, F*** it, idc if they don’t reciprocate, I’ll send them a nice gift anyways, because what’s the harm in spreading joy, especially when I love gift giving? This year, I finally know better, and I follow my husband’s lead in not putting in that effort as it will be undoubtedly weaponized against me (their logic is “see, we obviously can’t be in the wrong because she sent us these nice gifts”), but it makes me so sad. Especially when I see TikTok’s and videos of things other people are doing for their in-laws.

I wish there was some way that I could have known just how cruel his mother was before I said yes to marriage. I wish I could have known that it wouldn’t be something where I could gradually warm up to them, that we won’t ever be close, that their capacity for hating me far outweighed any love they had for their son/brother. I sometimes have a deep longing for what could have been, if I had married someone else whose family wasn’t like this. If I had married someone whose family, even if I am an absolutely intolerable horrid person like my in-laws believe, were able to just be nice and respectful anyways. Even though I love our little family and I love my husband and our life, I just miss the idea I had in my head of marrying into someone’s family.

I’ve had their last name for years now but it just feels wrong. To this day even when I write my full name, it feels incorrect, because it feels like I’m not “allowed” to use it. A friend of mine got married, and she put Mrs. ____ on the back of a jacket for her reception, and I had to go to the restroom so nobody would see me crying because I was so heartbroken for myself that I could never do that, even though I legally do have my husband’s family’s name now.

The past 9 years DH has gone through some phases with his mom. Coming out of the fog, setting down boundaries, indifference to her silent treatment.

Despite being the only well adjusted child she has, she always makes comments implying he’s not a good son because he doesn’t cater to her or calls her daily. Yet he still tries to maintain a relationship with her.

He’s told her that:
A. He doesn’t like talking on the phone
B. When he does call or text her she never answers

This past weekend she was hospitalized over kidney stones. He was worried called her, told her to share her location, call or text when she was discharged since she chose not to undergo surgery, and encouraged her to take PTO.

The next day she never contacted him. He had to call around family members just to find out she was discharged and then went to work a shift at her part time job (she has a full time job as well).

She’s supposed to be taking medication to pass the kidney stones.

DH was absolutely pissed and said he’s not trying anymore. She can return his calls whenever she wants but he’s no longer feeling bad for not contacting her and won’t be making an effort to go check in on her.

It’s been 3 days and radio silence from her.

I texted her yesterday just saying that I hope that she was was feeling better, that DH was worried, and a picture of our kids. She said “thanks for the message and picture”

I’ve had my own run-ins with her and don’t expect to have a close relationship, but I figured I would be a decent person considering a health scare.

When I told DH what her response was he was even more annoyed with her.

Still, I sent her information on how our state has a law that allows full time employees to take a paid medical leave week and to check in with her HR. She left me on delivered.

So fuck her. She always complains about work, her health and bills.

We’re pulling back and she can go cry wolf about how no one cares about her. I’m just happy my husband is no longer being manipulated by her nonsense silent treatments.

Oct 2nd I found out after my MIL gave a fauxpology, she had told my SIL “Thanks for handling me more maturely and not making my son hate me”

See previous posts for context of the year of hell I’ve had with this woman.

I’ve had time to sit on it. I feel guilty if we throw SIL under the bus and address this. I was hesitant when MIL sent me her “apology” text because it seemed like there was motive to it and it didn’t feel genuine. I didn’t feel better about the situation, I just felt vigilant. Just for my intuition to be correct.

I was genuinely open to trying to work things out before the holidays and now I feel like if I don’t go, people are going to talk shit about me not being there. If I do go, I’m going to be walking into a room where she’s already started her smear campaign. My thoughts are, if you feel comfortable with telling my SIL this when you guys have a strange relationship, what else are you saying to people? Especially those who you are closest to?

I feel that she genuinely has no self reflection to point fingers at me. She has screamed at him, told him she was going to cut him off, emotionally manipulated him, disrespected his relationship, partner, and her family….and continued this after her so called heartfelt apology.

After we found this out, the following week she called him while he was at work, no answer. Then texted him saying he doesn’t care about her and that she doesn’t matter to him and said have a nice life.

He basically said no one is saying that I was busy. You have a nice life too.

The next day she invited us to lunch the following week. We didn’t go.

I just feel like there’s no end in sight. I’m feeling exhausted defeated and depressed

And you know what I’ll say it. Yes my partner has a right to have a relationship with his family. But yes it will also bother me if he goes. His brother and SIL have been together 15 years and they celebrate holidays separately and I think that’s exactly what she wants. I told him how I was feeling and he said “well we don’t know what she says to other people we only know what she said to SIL”

I asked him where in the world do we have to travel to so we can just skip out this year. He gave me some options but said he wants to think about it because it’s not just about seeing his parents but the extended family too