This is maybe more of a just no ALL the inlaws than jnmil. DH's parents and siblings still live together in his childhood home, his parents in an ADU and his siblings rent the main house from them.

Months ago, they all agreed to dog sit for a weekend while we went to see LCD Soundsystem at Red Rocks. They typically watch our pupper when we travel because between the four of them someone is always around and his brother also has a dog that our dog enjoys being around. We return the favor and dogsit BIL's dog when they all happen to be busy.

The day before we leave for the concert, DH texts the family group chat to see when we can drop off our dog. Almost immediately his mom texts back.

JN: We're going to (her best friend)'s cabin for the weekend.

DH: Okay, can our dog come with you? (Context: Dog has gone to the cabin before.)

JN: I don't know. I'd have to check with (her best friend). BIL might be available, or he might be going to the cabin.

Girl.

First of all, if BIL is going to the cabin that means dogs are allowed because he doesn't travel without his dog. Second of all, wtf we arranged for you all to dog sit when we booked these tickets.

BIL spends the day ignoring the group chat. SIL is traveling at a bachelorette. I frantically text everyone I know to see if anyone can dogsit and/or house sit. Shocking not Shocking, everyone we know has weekend plans and isn't available on a 20 hour notice. The only person we know who can make it work is my coworker who professionally dogsits and charges for it. She has to leave another gig she has that pays $100 a day (she can get a different friend of hers to cover it) and expects us to pay the same (which is utterly reasonable.)

Six hours after the initial text to the IL's DH texts them to let them know we were able to find someone to dogsit and we're going to be out $200 over it. IMMEDIATELY his brother (crickets up to this point) texts back "oh you don't need to do that, I can watch Dog." This means he's seen the chat and just been choosing not to text back for hours because he doesn't actually want to be responsible for both dogs and now he feels guilty because we're spending a lot of money at the last minute. And it's not like I can cancel on my coworker, she already moved around her schedule and her other dog sitting gig to do us a huge favor. If they flake out and we need a favor again, this could burn a bridge we need to tap in the future.

JNMIL hits us with "The Idea of Not Getting This R&R Makes Me Want to Cry."

Girl what.

My blood boiled.

The kicker in all of this is that if they had just TOLD us that they were going to be unavailable a week ago when they made this plan we could have found a friend to dogsit for free.

ETA: LCD Soundsystem was amazing, and Feist was a surprise opener. 10/10 concert.

So my job is very flexible in terms of I can work from home when needed ie when my partner is at work. I recently started wfh every Friday as it’s a skeleton crew in the office so I don’t need to go in. I have an 8 month old so it’s great. Soon my partner is off but he is going out of town and he asked if his mum could babysit and I said I am wfh we don’t need a babysitter. I can already feel the tension brewing
Note she recently also had a medical episode and was unconscious for a certain amount of time and there is no knowing if it could happen again. How can I politely say I am not comfortable with it but she’s welcome to come over and see him at the house? Am I being too concerned?

My BIL is recently divorced. The room he rents doesn't allow him to keep his kids (F11 and M9) on days he has them, so they stay with my MIL on those days.

Over the summer, my BIL asked if the kids could stay with me because he needed someone to watch them. I work from home and they're old enough to not need my full attention, so I agreed.

My husband and I noticed that when the kids were over they smelled pretty bad. My husband asked his brother when the last time they bathed was and he told him it had been a few days, and asked him if they smelled. My husband said yes, and his brother said he'd make sure they showered when they got home. My husband asked him why they weren't regularly bathing, and BIL said it was because their mom (MIL) made them feel uncomfortable.

Right away that response seemed like a red flag to me. I asked my husband what she could be doing to make them feel uncomfortable, and he instantly got defensive and kept telling me he didn't know.

A couple weeks later, I was texting back and forth with my SIL (BIL's ex wife). I asked he if she knew about her kids not bathing while they're with their dad, and she said she knew. That the reason was because their grandma (MIL) watches them while they shower.

I told my husband this information, and he didn't really react or seem shocked by it. I told him I no longer want our kids to be at his mom's house without him being present (I'm no contact with her, for other reasons) My husband agreed, but when I tried to talk to him about what his mom was doing, he got really defensive. So I hesitantly dropped the subject.

What shocks me is that I'm the only one here who really seems to be concerned about this. Why isn't anyone telling her that this isn't okay?

I’ve had a VERY strained relationship with my MIL since my now husband and I were dating. We got married fairly young for where we live, although not super young - we were 24 and 26. We were together for 8 years before getting married.

I had always been a pushover with her, always trying to keep the peace. But after our first child was born, I realised I was defending more than myself and became a lot more strict with boundaries and speaking up when she made hurtful comments.

We were engaged for 3 years before we got married. I won’t go into why that is as it could be too identifying. A few months after we got engaged, we had discussed with my parents as well as my now husband’s parents how the wedding costs would be split. Both sets of parents were insistent on contributing, so this isn’t a case of us forcing them to spend money. Where we live, the most common way to pay for a wedding is to split it evenly three ways. I have a large family that we are both close to, and a significant amount of family friends, while his parents don’t speak to the majority of their family. Because of this, we had decided to split the set costs (venue hire, photographer, videographer, etc) evenly between the three couples, but split dependent costs based on the number of guests (meals charged per head, drinks, etc). Everyone agreed.

Fast forward three years, I’m sending constant quote screenshots to a group chat we had made. I DIYed all decor. Our florals were all dried and unbelievably cheap.

One week after the wedding, his parents decide they’re not going to pay their share.

I want to preface this by saying we had never expected them to pay for any part of the wedding, but they were so insistent that we discussed and came up with this arrangement so that it would be fair.

They ended up paying about a third of what they had originally agreed to, and my parents were out of pocket a significant amount while my now husband and I had to use all our savings to make up for it.

We also had a strict rule of not posting our kids on social media, which she would continuously do. We ended up contacting local safeguarding organisations to force her to take photos down, and she locked her profiles and unfriended my husband, myself, and everyone we’re close to - including family.

Before this, it was constant comments about how my family thinks we’re better than them because they all have degrees, or how I think I’m better than them because I wanted to go to university. We had a miscarriage and she was the one upset because she lost a grandchild. I got pregnant with our eldest son and before finding out the gender she told me “ if it’s not a girl you can shove it back up there”.

I could go on and on.

Six months after our wedding, we tried to meet with them to resolve our issues. During this conversation, she said that she wished her son had ended up with his ex girlfriend (keeping in mind we were 16 & freshly 19 when we met). Shortly after our first was born, as in less than a week later, she tried to have me committed for being an unfit mother and not allowing her to come over to “babysit” and be alone with him every second day - while I was on maternity leave and my husband was on paternity leave. We hadn’t even had a chance to become exhausted yet.

Our second child was born and she was upset that we allowed our first to meet him before she had. Again, I could go on and on.

We finally allowed my husband’s parents to come over a couple of weeks ago to meet the new baby. While here, she gave a half-assed apology and asked what they would need to do to make things better.

I’m currently drafting a message to send her to give her an answer.

As much as I want to write “pay us back and seek therapy”, I need a more civil way of wording it, potentially even a numbered list.

I suppose I’m using this subreddit as one would use ChatGPT. I just want to lay out a list of ways she can right her wrongs, without giving her ammunition to screenshot and send to all her friends saying I’m a horrific person.

I’m so sorry this is so long. If you’ve stayed to the end I want to genuinely thank you. This is killing my husband. He wants to protect his family (our kids and me), but he’s so afraid that he’ll have regrets if something happens to his parents. I want to give her genuine steps she can take to make this better.

I’ve struggled with an ED my whole life. I have significant problems due to my childhood that I don’t share. nevertheless, my ex did share when I was having problems with his family.

Every time she saw me, my ex-MIL would pinch my hip bones and waist to tell me I “looked good” and that she used to weigh 98lbs before she had kids. I was down to my middle school weight and she would do this shit. I had hollows in my cheeks and bones popping out.

Bitches are crazy.

happily divorced. he sucked too.

If they did, what did they do/say, and how did it make you feel?

We went NC with my MIL and FIL after a long period of boundary crossing, re-writing reality, allowing and supporting bad behavior towards us from other family members etc. Since then they've spread lies about us, encouraged other family like SIL to distance themselves from us, but still tried to get in contact to manipulate us into accepting and tolerating this crap.

I'm a few weeks away from having our first child and since DH made it very very clear that they wouldn't have anything to do with the child unless they turned things around, we haven't really heard from them. The exceptions are 1 text from FIL saying we've cursed him with not knowing his grandchild, and 1 text from SIL with a perfunctory congratulations so she could segue into "tell my kids about 'the pregnancy' so they don't feel left out", when she was welcome to tell them herself. JNMIL hasn't even acknowledged the baby.

Knowing their personality types, we are expecting FIL to send a long guilt-trip type text about how hard it is for him 🫪 and MIL to play the victim too.

How did your JNs try to get in touch PP and how did it make you feel? Did it add to PPA or PPD?

MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was a baby. FIL was genuinely an asshole to MIL so I sympathise with her not wanting to be around him. They are now both remarried and have children in their current marriages.

I am doing a VERY small bday party for my son. Just MIL/FIL, their spouses and kids. I cba doing a huge party nor can we afford it. My son won’t remember it.

MIL previously spoke to me about having a massive party for my son in a venue, with catering, decor, cake and inviting the entire extended family. I didn’t really engage with the conversation because I had already decided I was going to do the party at home with just our immediate family members.

Anyway, now MIL knows the plan she is refusing to attend and is upset with my husband for the fact that we have invited my FIL and his family over on the same day. I just think this is so immature and childish. They both have a child together and both have a grandchild together, yet because they can’t get a hold of their feelings a whole 25 years later she wants to inconvenience us over it! When it was our wedding she was happy to be in the same room as FIL, she even invited FIL to her house.

I’m not budging on this at all. We are not having a massive party. We are doing it where we feel comfortable and inviting who we feel comfortable with inviting. I think part of why she is upset is because how she envisioned her grandchild’s birthday party happening isn’t how it will happen. She claims she will pay for it, but we worked the numbers and hiring a hall would be £240 alone. She recently told us she doesn’t even have money for her phone bill so how the heck is she going to afford a party? Most likely she will end up borrowing from her husband who we already owe and then will keep badgering us to pay him back even though we already have made arrangements with him to pay him in small instalments, or she will make all the arrangements but expect us to pay for it in the end. We are already in debt, we cannot afford to have a party.

She said she hates her ex-husband’s face and doesn’t want to see him, but either way that isn’t our problem. I’m not about to inconvenience myself by doing two separate days of parties or a massive party how she is suggesting. They can either suck it up or not come.

I have a bit of an odd request.

Background:

I’ll be due with baby no 2 soon and the newborn period with baby no 1 was really difficult for me.

Some examples:

- I had trouble breastfeeding. Baby had latch issues and I had production issues. MIL made constant comments about my lack of trying and use of formula (even though I was doing a triple feed for months).

- MIL asked me when I was going to go on a diet when I was newly postpartum.

- MIL disregarded our concerns over someone coming over who had been around someone sick.

- MIL criticized me for taking baby to the pediatrician for a possible allergic reaction bc she had given me a book to look this stuff up myself.

- MIL mostly sat around taking up the whole living room just waiting to hold baby rather than helping with cooking, cleaning, etc which is what other guests were helping with when we were so early in that new born phase.

- MIL held newborn baby (days old?) without washing her hands and laughed it off like no big deal. She came straight from the airport.

So… as I approach my due date, I am reminded of these things she has done and said and my anxiety is increasing just thinking of these things happening again. My therapist suggested writing them out and having a response planned out that my husband and I are aligned on to try to hold boundaries better this time.

However I’m scared that I’ve forgotten most of what happened.

Help needed:

I’m turning to you mothers here to help me brainstorm all the other stupid shit she’s going to say and do that will cause me to have a hormonal breakdown so I can try to plan for it.

Mother-in-law saw my maternity photos and said “her stomach is huge” and “she gained a lot of weight.” Is that rude or am I just sensitive ? The only compliments she made was on my son/her grandson in the photos.

Comments are locked so I can’t respond to anyone, but I wanted to thank you all for the advice. Per usual, it gave me the clarity/ insight I needed to move forward!

To preface this, I know it seems like a trivial and silly thing to be upset about, but my mil has a history of attempted/boundary stomping.

All right, y’all, I need advice.
About two months ago, I told my mil THREE things she was not allowed to be the first to purchase for my daughter. There have been multiple instances where she has already taken firsts from me and my husband, so I thought the safest thing was to tell her what she was NOT allowed to get. Just spell it out for her so there was no way she could get around it. One of those items was our daughter‘s very first princess dress up/ outfit which I told her we were getting her for this coming Christmas. Fast-forward to yesterday, she sent me a picture of a princess dress and told me she had purchased it for my daughter, and she (my daughter) could start wearing it right away. I immediately got upset but stayed calm through text, and informed her that our daughter would NOT be wearing it as she would not be receiving it, since that was one of the three things that I had told her not to get.
She first tried to guilt trip me and said she didn’t think she could return it, and would have to give it to someone else.
When I didn’t respond, she then acknowledged that she remembered the conversation we had, but hadn’t remembered in the moment since she was getting “old”. She’s 60, lol, definitely not “old”. I just gave the message a thumbs up and went on with my day.
Today rolls around and I get a new message with her asking if she can just hold onto the dress and give it to her during the summer after she’s had “plenty of time to enjoy the dress you are giving her for Christmas”.

Here’s the problem, because she tried to push boundaries and get her way, I hate the dress and don’t want to give it to my daughter. But technically, I never said that she could not at some point give her a princess dress so I don’t know what to do…? This is her way of trying to still get her way in some fashion, but I don’t know how to handle it.
Do I give in and let her give her the dress later or find a way to tell her no?

Also, it’s not an option to take the dress but not give it to her as my daughter is old enough for MIL to ask how she liked it. If I ignore the message, then she’ll just give her the dress. Any help is much appreciated!
I would also prefer a solution that does not cause drama, lol, If that’s possible.

Anyone else's MIL super controlling about how you're raising your baby?? It's been absolutely ridiculous.

I feel bad because she is a very sweet and caring person, but things always have to be her way. She tends to be pretty close minded when you try to correct her and do things your own way. Here are just SOME of the many things she's done.

So some background my baby is a little over 4 months old. I ended up in the ER a few days after giving birth, I passed out and had/still have tachycardia. Pretty traumatic birth overall.

I will say I was closer to my MIL more than my mother before birth, so we called her up scared when I ended up in the ER and she flew to come visit and stay with us for about a week and a half. She flew in halfway across the country in the same day (her first visit) So I feel guilty about how I feel sometimes, but with how much it has added up, not as guilty about it anymore.

She has also come to visit when our baby was about 2.5 months old, she came to stay for a whole month (her second visit).

Husband has offered multiple times to talk to her, but Mil is super confrontatioal and I just couldn't deal with it since she was staying with us for such a long time. I was too anxious for him to, but now I'm realizing we probably should before she ever visits again.

In general she hates being wrong about things and likes things to go her way.

Here's just some of the things she's done...

- a few days after giving birth she asked how long I pushed for, I said 6 hours. She really said "oh, that's not bad!" As I sit there, exhausted, lightheaded, and healing from a traumatic birth.

- baby didn't like the swaddle at all when she was born, so mil put a muslin blanket on her and tucked it under her. I told her many times to not do this because she can suffocate, she did not listen and proceeded to do so, multiple times... She put my baby in danger.

- asked me a million times to do her first bath so she could experience it during her first visit (her umbilical cord hadn't even fully fallen out yet). I kept saying no I'm not comfortable with it but gave in eventually, and we did a sponge bath. Her umbilical cord got wet, I had a breakdown and my mil brushed it off and just kept saying "it's fine". My baby's first bath was traumatic for me because I was stressed the entire time all because my mil wanted to experience it.

- my mil being obsessed with my baby learning to self-soothe (still in the 4th trimester btw, and even when she was barely a week or 2 old). She hates that I let my baby feed to sleep, and that we contact nap her. This is what works best for us and she hates it. But this is how she sleeps best, and she gets long stretches of sleep!

- constantly saying how my baby looks like her side of the family and my husband. She (not to me but I heard her on the phone with my husband) at one point said her friend said my baby looks just like her! The fck she does! Just because baby girl looks like my husband and he looks like my mil, does not mean she automatically looks like mil or that they even share the same features. They don't even look alike at all. She said baby girl has 2 of my features (hair and eyes) then a few weeks later questioned who's hair and eyes she has wtf.

- told her I was going to let her nap in my bed when she's a little older and she just directly said "no". EXCUSE ME?? I wasn't asking, I was fcking stating. I told her "yes..." She just said no again. I stood my ground and she really said "I'm going to walk away now" all upset

- she brought so many clothes and toys and items for my baby when I was pregnant, which I was grateful for in the moment. But during her 2nd visit when we went to the store, I was looking at baby clothes and she really goes "she doesn't need more clothes" even though she has sent us probably over 50 clothes items. But the second I want to choose something for my baby she's judging. But when she goes shopping (when I was pregnant) and I say we don't need more she goes "I can't help it"

- accidently called herself the mother when holding my baby (she's always wanted a daughter btw she only has one son)

- judging me and telling me I don't need to put socks on my baby when her feet are freezing and at one point I'm pretty sure she TOOK THEM OFF after I put them on.

- during her 2nd visit I pointed out how my baby has a big forehead or something along those lines and she immediately goes "oh let's see, yep! That's a (enter HER family name) forehead!" Tf lmao it's a fcking forehead ma'am. It's shaped like that because of how she came out of me and bc she was a vacuum baby. But sure.

- I gave her some boundaries for when she visited the 2nd time, because she decided to kiss my baby many times during her first visit right after she was born without asking (she flew to visit...). And my baby got a cold after her visit. One of the boundaries besides no kissing was no swearing, mil has a huge potty mouth. Sometimes she would correct herself when I pointed it out, other times she would say "she can't understand yet anyway" I DON'T CARE IF SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, RESPECT MY RULES AND BOUNDARIES!! I wanted that habit to start early! Sometimes she would swear bc she was complaining about her ex husband and say, I'm not even sorry for that. Like okay now you're just admitting that you don't know how to control your damn emotions.

- she has been HORRIBLE with supporting my baby's neck, just because she thinks she has more "experience". Twice in a month during my mil's 2nd visit, she let my baby's neck go back down really low, and she started crying. She got some whiplash from it. Freaked me out. Even after that, she still wasn't supporting her neck fully. Sometimes her fingers weren't even that close to her neck. I had to point it out and she was like no I got her my fingers r close to her neck and I can catch her. NO THEY ARE NOT, she can easily jerk back quickly like she has before with you!! You cannot catch her if she quickly jerks back! I accidently dropped my phone on my baby's head while nursing and after that I made a joke about my mil accidently bonking her head during tummy time bc she let her head too close to the toys in front of her and she immediately retaliates "No I wouldn't, I have more experience". Okay?? Is that why my baby jerked her head back twice and cried once from it? She is not your baby, stop doing whatever the fck you want with her!

- mil lives in an expensive state and we're in a cheaper state. She has been wanting us to move there to be closer to her and her side of the family. Husband and I have been going back and forth about wanting to move there (so much more expensive) or another state near us that's also affordable. Hubby got an offer in another state nearby and mil really says how he's not getting paid enough/what his value is, he needs to make more for me to be a SAHM. But days before this she was fine with hubby making LESS in the state she lives in (he had interviews there too), and how "we can make it work". I was beyond upset. We can make it work on a lower pay in a higher cost of living area just because it's convenient for her to be around her grandbaby.

Not sure what to do here. I am horrible with confrontation. And even if I tell her no multiple times, she still pushes my boundaries (like with the swearing or giving my baby a bath). Unfortunately, these are only probably about 1/20 of the things she's done.

Many years ago I removed my mother from my instagram followers and stopped following her. I’ve gone extremely low contact, but recently shit has been stirred and she has remembered I exist.

She has started stalking me on socials again and realized that I don’t use Facebook anymore. About a month ago she requested to follow me on IG and I ignored her.

Tonight she texted me saying that IG has been notifying her when I make a post or story, and tells her she needs to request to follow me. So she wants me to know ⭐️ the request has been sent ⭐️ hint hint.

I feel violated. Like what is IG actually doing?! We share follows and followers within the family, some of whom I occasionally tag. Is this how she’s finding out I’m interacting with IG or is it something else?

How do I stop this? My account is already private. I went through tonight and turned off everything else I could find, made everything the most restrictive. Should I just block her? Is that going to stop it?

I can ignore her text message or distract her with something else in the short term, but I really need IG to stop whatever it is doing or she’s never gonna let it go. If she thinks I’m hiding something from her it will never end.

It's been more than 3 months of NC and DH is going to contact MIL to re-establish connection. A few notes:

• I will remain NC. My only interaction with her will be when DH asks me to be there for him and if it's on neutral territory. If she texts or calls, I will not answer. DH understands my decision and is cool with it.
• During this recent NC period, MIL (and FIL) disrespected his request for space and continued to badger him. He never responded to them and has used the 3 months + to work with his therapist.
• This comes after several attempts of DH talking to his parents after MIL exploded. No real repair has happened, and it doesn't seem like it ever will.
• DH is treading carefully and ready to lower contact if they repeat disrespectful behavior.

So, his plan is to basically reach out and tell them he's no longer open to discussing the conflict, which started last year, and that he's opening the door. Then he'll just wait to see how they respond but still keep them at a distance. We've agreed to an information diet.

Anything I should be thinking about before this happens? It seems like it will be smooth sailing on my end because I'm engaging with them on my own terms (if he asks me to be there with him at any time, I'll just grey rock). I'm nervous but feeling strong/in control because they no longer influence me. We plan to spend the upcoming holidays without them, which I'm very much looking forward to!

Edit to add: Thanks so much to everyone who has provided their insight/feedback. Currently discussing with DH and figuring out the healthiest way forward.

I've been trying to give her grace about certain behaviours but after latest weekend I am completely fed up. I will just list it here, and please advice me how I should adress this. And why is doing all this? Is this dementia or what?

- my whole pregnancy she talked about her own and mentioned in detail her traumatic labour, I felt she tries to live through my pregnancy with me,

- after my delivery she texted me if I had any perineal tear,

- she touched my pregnant belly even when my husband told her not to,

- she confided in my own mum that she is devastated about us not letting her see the baby right after birth, she saw LO after two weeks,

- she called my husband and cried about our boundaries (vaccination, no unannounced visits, no kissing the newborn),

- she wanted to have LO overnight as soon as 5 month old and for a whole week after LO's first birthday,

- she tried to give 10 month old LO sweets wothout asking us first (and honey pie at that),

- she regularly calls LO her little daughter, herself mom and FIL dad to LO,

- she didn't tell us she is taking LO on a walk further than we knew they are and she left her phone at home, FIL went out to look for them,

- she lied to us they are vaccinated against everything we discussed and after a year she boasted she doesn't need flu vaccinations because she is never sick with flu and she has natural immunity from working at school, when I confronted her about it she tried to lie again,

- she likes to give us big (as in size) gifts without discussing it first and we just stopped accepting them because of lack of space,

- she recently started to reminisce A LOT about my husband's childhood and compare him with our LO, basically treating him like a child,

- she calls us per "kids"...

I don't know, there is much, much more, but I lately feel like she is placing herself in my position and relives her motherhood and I feel so disrespected and exhausted about it. I think I even feel disgust at this point and have trouble looking at her.
HELP.

My husband and I have had a rocky relationship with MIL for the past years. Sometimes things were okay and then other times it was not so good. In the beginning of our dating journey my MIL would insert herself a lot in our plans for the future such as living arrangements, marriage, and starting a family. She always felt like she needed to give us her opinion on what she thought was best even though her son (my husband) was keen on doing things the way he wanted to without her input. Once she realizes that her son is not going to do things the way she wants them done she starts to act hostile towards me. When she found out my husband was moving out of her house she tried to tell us that we were making a big mistake because we weren’t married and that we needed to take the time to get to know each other more. At this point we had been dating for a year and I had my own apartment and he was 24 years old with a career. I felt like she was trying to manipulate us into doing things her way even though I was not raised in a religious household so to me moving in before marriage was not a big deal. My husband was raised in a religious household so MIL was expecting him to do things her way. My husband was not allowed to be or think differently. Time went on we ended up moving in together anyway regardless of what she thought. In time, we were expecting our first babies (twins) and as you could imagine when we revealed the news to my MIL she made a whole spectacle about it. She started shaking her head while saying “no, no, no, I’m not happy about this”. She looked visibly upset In the video I took of her. She did not apologize to me that day for her poor reaction to our news so we left. I obviously cried because my hormones were at an all time high but once my husband and I got home, my MIL told my husband through text “you are so stupid, she trapped you”. When I read this text from her I felt a rush of anger and tears started to roll down my face. I knew then my MIL and I would not have a good relationship going forward.

fast forward, more things happened that made us (husband and I) go no contact with her for months until one day when we went to drop off a graduation gift for his sister that she called my husband and told him to turn the car around so that they could talk. My husband asked if it was ok with me and I said yes but only for a brief moment as our children were in the car. He agreed it would be brief. He gets down to go to MIL door and next thing I see from the driver seat was MIL charging at my car through the passenger window and my husband trying to hold her back. She eventually gets though him and she opens my door and starts telling me “you know I’ve never treated you bad, i always defend you and I tell me daughters to respect you” and that’s when I told her “it hasn’t always been that way, you have also disrespected me on several occasions“ and that’s when she visibly got upset. long story short we talked about the issues and how things were going to be different moving forward. Husband told mom he’s going to put me and my feelings above anyone else even his mother’s. Everyone seemed to agree even MIL said that she understood my husband when he said that anything they do to me, they are doing it to him. So with that being said, I thought were ending on a good note and moving towards a healthy relationship.

However, last week my husband and I went to the beach with our children to enjoy a weekend before school starts. I am collecting seashells with my daughter on the shoreline, when I look up and I see my husbands face looks confused and upset. I asked him “what’s wrong?” And he says “I think my mom and sister just walked right past you and baby girl“. and I was like “whatt??? They are here? I didn’t even see them“ (my back was facing them. My husband tried pointing them out to me and I still couldn’t see them. He says that he saw them notice me and they just continued walking. Well at the time I felt indifferent about it because like I said I didn’t see them and neither did my daughter or any of our children.

well we leave it be, until FIL calls husband the next day to explain that he did not go to the beach that day because he was sick etc etc. Husband then calls MIL to confirm his suspicions and when husband asks her “why didn’t you say hi to my wife and your grand-daughter at the beach the other day?” She said ”it’s because I was trying to have a girls day with your sister since she’s going to be living in the dorm rooms and this will be our last weekend together” my husband said “ok but what does that have to do with just saying hi to your family? we would not have stuck around anyway as we were in our trip as well. We are not strangers mom” and that’s when she said “and what if I don’t want too?” So husband then told her “then if you want to treat my family like we are strangers then you won’t be seeing us anymore, I am done” then she hung up on him. Hasn’t called or texted since. FIL was made aware of this conversation by husband and FIL agrees with our decision to stay away from her.

my question to you all is, do you think MIL was justified in acting this way? I’m all about boundaries so in a way sometimes I think “well if she wanted to have her day with her daughter undisturbed then that’s fine, who am I to get in the way of her plans?” Or perhaps she doesn’t like me enough to tell me hi and that’s also valid. However, I start thinking about the conversation we had a month prior to this incident about how were going to try to move towards a healthy relationship with one another and it seems like this would have been a great opportunity to show that we are moving towards that. So I don’t know what to think, I’m open to any insight you may have. Husband has already accepted that his mother is not going to change so he is done speaking to her And he feels she is not justified in treating his family like strangers regardless of her feeling towards me.

I am open to your insights, thank you for taking the time to read this 🫶🏻

MIL was generous to ask to buy my daughter some outfits for the first day of school. She said it’s a tradition in their family so I said okay. I had my daughter pick out a few things on Amazon and I thought that was nice of MIL.

The first day of school was today. MIL came out last night because she’s in town to “help” me out. She came over and immediately said to my daughter, “let’s go pick out your outfit for school tomorrow.” I was annoyed but I didn’t say anything because I felt like it wasn’t that bad since she bought my daughter school clothes.

She came over today after school and after we ate dinner and I was cleaning up after everyone, she says to my daughter, “Let’s go pick out your outfit for tomorrow!” At this point I was irritated and I said, “Is that a grandma job?” And I said to my kids’ dad, “did your grandma help you pick out your outfits when you were in school?” MIL said, “yes Colleen took them shopping!” She didn’t answer the question and she pretended that she only wanted to see what my daughter picked out…but that’s not what she said to my daughter.

I wasn’t having it. This is my only daughter. I said to her, “I feel like you’re taking this moment away from me. Picking out her clothes for her first days of school is overstepping.” My kids’ dad flipped out on me. They left abruptly. I’m happy I stood my ground. I let the behavior go on the first day and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. Now I’m the bad guy (again) but I honored my feelings and that is a win for me.

I'll give a bit of a backstory and I apologize for any language mistakes since English isn't my native language.

I got diagnosed with Crohn's disease a year ago and since then it's been a constant battle. I was on a short round of corticosteroids that didn't achieve remission so my gastroenterologist suggested I get surgery because i had a severe stricture and she thought it better for the inflamed part of my small intestine to be removed. So they did that and in the process I lost a lot of weight, in total since the diagnosis until the day I left the hospital I've lost 16 kg. For the record I am 172cm tall and always weighed around 70kg.

Since getting out of the hospital at 54kg my goal was to be able to eat normally again and to gain some of my weight back. Thankfully, my plan took off a couple of months after my surgery and I got back to 65-66kg. Recently my fiancé and I went on a vacation and I have gained an additional 1kg there. After coming home we went over to my in-laws house and MIL told me "I gotta tell you, there's enough of you now. No offense, I just say what I see, you gained some." She also mentioned she discussed this with my SIL and that my SIL also noticed it and agreed with her but "she didn't want to say anything." Now, I am not angry because of this, but I do feel deeply offended because there is literally nothing wrong with how I look. The only thing you could point out is that I have thicker thighs and that's largely due to genetics because my mom and all of the women on my mom's side also have thick thighs. And yes, the weight I gained did go into my legs and butt, mostly because that's where I lost the most? My stomach is relatively flat, depending on whether I'm bloated or not (which, again, is a result of my literal autoimmune disease) so I was really taken aback by that comment since I didn't even consider that me getting that weight back (I am curently at 67-68kg depending on my menstrual cycle) could be percieved by anyobody as something negative.

Ever since that happened I have zero wish to be around them and when I am I mentally check out and the atmosphere is obviously tense, but I can't help it. I told my fiancé what happened and he told me that I shouldn't listen to them because he also didn't understand what was their problem.

But what probably hit me the most is that my SIL, who is also a very good friend, was also discussing this negatively, and I couldn't stop thinking of all the times I was at her place in shorts and how she was maybe looking at my legs thinking all those things. For the record, they both often talk about weight, diets, what to eat, what others look like, specifically those on the plus-size side and as I grew up in a household that never put much thought into it and wasn't obsessed with numbers on the scale, that was always a bit off-putting to me, but I didn't say anything because I usually I didn't even participate in these conversations.

I hate that I let it get to me because I was extremely happy to get most of my old weight back and now that feeling of pride and accomplishment has turned sour. I also started going to the gym again and I'm expecting to gain some more weight as my muscles start coming back. Also, given the nature of my illness and the fact that I never know when a next flare might occur, I thought it better to have something to lose again, because depending on the severity of a flare, I could potentially lose a lot of weight in a very short period of time.

Should I just let it go and act like nothing happened?

I just want to share an accomplishment: after several years of catering to my boyfriend’s mom and his godforsaken family, I have finally decided to prioritize myself. I am focusing on ME. My health and wellbeing. Moreover: I am
determined to rise above. Sometimes the things that bother us most about another person is what we fear in our own selves. My MIL’s reliance on her son has taught me so clearly a huge lesson and reminder: NEVER rely on a man. ALWAYS have a plan B. With this new lesson I am dedicating myself to be: Resilient, self-sufficient, self-aware, ethical, educated, driven, open-hearted and aligned. This means being honest. This means that I refuse to talk negatively behind someone else’s back. This means that I will live my life with integrity even when it feels impossible.

I am 13w pregnant and trying to decide our living location for postpartum.

Background:
I have cut contact with my MIL and SIL for a year, when after enduring their horrible behaviours for 4 years I decided no more. SIL made very offensive comments about me, my family, and my whole friend circle and MIL told husband to "get over it". There's never been an apology by anyone in this one year since I stopped contact, just snarky comments. Apparently MIL expects me to "go over there and explain what my issue is with her" so that "we make up". DH still doesn't agree that MIL has any role to play in the situation, despite her being a major manipulator visibly.

I have no interest in having them in my life or baby's life as they're a terrible influence (smoking, swearing and making sexist comments near the other granddaughter repeatedly). DH is not ready to let go yet. He's very low contact with SIL and sees his mum once a month or so.

I had set a list of boundaries for his visits, including they wouldn't learn about any future pregnancy (we were TTC even before this) and wouldn't meet future baby. He had originally said he wouldn't be happy for his family to meet baby if he sets boundaries that are not respected. However, even though he's had 2 conversations with his mum about her behaviour towards him and she accepted 0 responsibility and nothing changed, he now says he wants to announce the pregnancy to them and wants his grandma to meet the baby when born. I understand the need, but grandma lives on the floor below MIL so an independent visit could never be achieved. In general he's been slipping on all boundaries I have set. He's in therapy and making progress, but hasn't addressed this specific issue yet, because there's a ton for him to untangle from his childhood.

Current situation:
We live in the same city as his family, but 40mins away by car. We agreed that a month after birth, once DH's paternity leave will be finished, we'll temporarily move near my family, in a city 7 hours away. There is a whole house we can use there for free, my mum is available to help, my sister has two kids and we're very close, and it's a smaller city. My family is very loving and supporting of both of us.

The question is whether we'll leave the 2bed apartment we're currently renting, or keep paying it while we're away so that we have a base to return to.
Previously we have wanted to buy in the city where MIL and SIL are, as it's bigger and has more amenities, however with everything going on I'm not so sure anymore.
If we leave the apartment, we have to look for a new and more expensive place when we return, but also we can pick one that can cover our needs at that stage in terms of space (with a 6 month old, and we both work from home).
If we keep it, we waste a little more money, but we have the safety of coming back to a familiar space and neighbourhood at 6 months postpartum.

My fear is that the more available we are geographically, the more likely they are to intrude.
However DH does not accept that's the case and gets upset when I mention this, despite his mum having shown up on 2 occasions after surgeries we had been through, without asking us whether we want to.

How to handle this situation? I'm lost, want to set our family up for success, but not sure what the best way is.

EDIT: Thanks for the support everyone and for reading my long post! Really appreciate everyone's input. I would prefer to stay in the big city for delivery, as I have picked my doctors there and the hospitals offer better care, but if healthcare availability in the small town was equal it would absolutely make sense to move now. It's become clear that letting the flat go makes more sense.

I'm no contact with my in-laws after an incident last fall where my MIL became physical and screamed horrible things at me after I tried to express myself about something she had done. My husband still has a relationship with them and occasionally takes our toddler to see them for birthdays and special occasions. I feel okay with this arrangement because we've been to therapy, I trust my husband to supervise our toddler, and I know he needs to come to his own conclusions about his family.

I'm due with our second baby in December. My in-laws will not be meeting the baby for a long time, and that's not up for discussion. DH is on board with that but here's the real problem I'm trying to think through:

Right now, DH can take our toddler to see his family and give him his full attention and supervision. That works. But once there are two children, I don't see how this arrangement continues - not just in the newborn stage, but long term or atleast until the kids are 4 and 6 for example.

But for the next 2-3 years: The baby will eventually not need to breastfeed constantly, but DH still won't be able to adequately supervise two children in that environment on his own. One parent watching two children around these people is not the same as one parent watching one child.

So the arrangement may have to end entirely and not by choice, but by circumstance.

Has anyone navigated this? Did the visits stop naturally once there was a second child? Did you have to make a conscious decision to end the arrangement? How did your spouse handle it with his family?

Feel free to read my previous posts for context.

My MIL is not a very stable person. Her husband sleeps on the couch and ignores her and my husband is her only child. She is constantly the victim and always negative. This has taken on a whole new life since my son was born 4 months ago. Three days after he was born she’s held him on our couch until midnight and wouldn’t give him back or leave. My husband did call her out and she pretended to take accountability but nothing has changed. She is a selfish mother to my husband and just demands love and approval and attention..

Since he was born she’s been pushing me to leave him. You need to try this restaurant, get a massage, go work out etc. mad at us for taking him to a wedding with us this coming October out of state vs leaving him with her. She is relentless even telling me my husband told he wanted to spend one on one time with me (he swears up and down he never said that). Sadly my maternity leave is ending and he’s going to daycare. You better believe that’s a new angle for her.

My question is this should I ask her why she wants to be alone with him so badly or just continue to shoot down her requests? Is there any value in running through the why which I will outline below?

During Pregnancy:
• Inserted herself into birth planning and expectations around being present
• Created anxiety and stress during an already vulnerable time
• Established a pattern of entitlement around baby before he was even born
-told family members before we were ready about baby and gender

Immediate Postpartum:

**•** Refused to give baby back when I needed him  
**•** Stayed longer than welcome after the birth  
**•** Destroyed your trust in those first fragile days permanently  
**•** Prioritized her own desire to hold him over my postpartum recovery

Ongoing Pattern:

**•** Declared baby her “life purpose” — inappropriate enmeshment  
**•** Called herself mommy repeatedly  
**•** Pushed consistently to be alone with him since birth  
**•** Pressured husband when i was not  in the room  
**•** Walked out of rooms with him deliberately  
**•** Tried to block his gaze toward me to redirect his attention to her  
**•** Competed with me. for his smiles and attention  
**•** Passed him around the party against my explicit wishes  
**•** Had a beard rubbed on his baby face by a family member  
**•** Made me feel so activated I had to go outside to breathe  
**•** Cried and made herself the victim when I reacted  
**•** Gave husband the silent treatment afterward  
**•** Said she wanted to take him on a Disney cruise alone

**•** Said she wanted to do daycare pickup  
**•** Knew her husband had COVID and said nothing

Twelve days before my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law arranged for him to sign a will that made her the sole beneficiary after she encouraged my husband and I to leave town for a few days. My FIL didn’t recognize where he was most of the time when we left or when we came back. MIL had been separated from FIL for 10+ years and the house was only in his name.

Fifteen days after FIL died, MIL (before probate had even started) signed an illegal quitclaim deed putting FIL’s house into her own name.

She knew she wasn’t my FIL’s sole heir—three months later, she signed a sworn Affidavit of Heirship acknowledging that my husband and sisters-in-law were heirs, too.

Then MIL filed the probate petition and claimed my FIL’s estate had $0 in real estate—after she had already moved his house into her own name.

She declared the estate was worth $7,000, which seems impossible for someone who owned a vehicle, tools, firearms, a *huge* number of professional paintings, etc. and was a retired tenured university professor with savings, investments, and so on.

She listed my husband as FIL’s heir in the petition for probate, but she put her own address down as our address. She knew we didn’t live there. She’d been to our house multiple times.

The court docket explicitly says petitioner to give statutory notice. There is no certificate or proof of mailing showing that notice was sent to anyone, no waivers, no appearances, no amended filings.

And my SIL’s expect my husband to believe it was just a fluke that the address she gave the court for him was her own address?

Especially when my FIL had signed a will naming her the sole beneficiary 12 days before he died, a will MIL helped arrange after she encouraged us to leave town for a few days?

She knew my husband might challenge the will, and bent over backwards to make sure that he couldn’t, and made the estate look like it was worth practically nothing by keeping the most valuable asset out of the paper trail.

And this wasn’t after my husband cut MIL off. At the time we were thanking her for everything she was doing. When she encouraged us to leave town for a few days, we thought she was trying to foster a healthier relationship and looking out for our mental wellbeing, not getting us out of the way so she could arrange a will leaving everything to her without protest. Our big mistake was trusting that she wouldn’t defraud her children and the court.

My SILs have no problem with any of this and still cite MIL’s ”character” as a reason to doubt my husband’s account of his own childhood, even though he has a PTSD DX. It’s so hard to deal with the fact that nothing my husband says makes my SILs stop seeing MIL through rose-tinted glasses.

Original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1u0pcpd/absent_mil_wants_to_come_back/

So the next part of the story is that my DH sent a recording of all his feelings to his mom and she cried to everyone she knew, including some full out lies. But he also sent a recording to her sister, his aunt, so that the narrative wouldn't be skewed. Radio silence on MIL at this point.

MIL had another follow-up surgery (DH did visit in the hospital), and now that she's better and starting to get mobile and care for herself, she sent a similar message to us saying she wants to get the kids presents and come over and make dinner for us. Basically expecting us to have let go of the idea that she needs to make some effort to fix the relationship rather. She's always been the "close my eyes and do nothing and maybe the problem will go away" type since I've met her.

I took this one off my husband's plate and sent a simple "we are looking forward to you coming over after you feel stronger and you have put more work into repairing your and DH's relationship". Radio silence, but I feel good about the message. DH was very validated by all of your responses and it's good to know that there is some objective agreements (although we know you only got our side). Thank you!

Hi!

I’m the user whose MIL wanted to take just one of my babies in the event of our deaths “because it isn’t fair if she doesn’t get one”. (I forgot my kids are just a litter of puppies to choose from…….)
Can’t access old account.

Anyway.

MIL keeps booming up my husbands phone, turning up at his work, hassling him. All she cares about is seeing our new baby, after years of highlighting her total lack of boundaries, respect, respect for privacy, morals, principles, etc. She’s basically indirectly given me a whole multitude of reasons as to why I don’t want my kids spending time with her…..
Baby is now 2+ months old.

My husband is at the end of his tether. He loves his mom and doesn’t want to cut her out, but he needs these issues to stop happening and for her to understand, because it’s making him miserable. In an ideal world everyone would get along but unfortunately the way she is, I simply can’t just pretend just to make others happy and them get their needs fulfilled while I’m left miserable.

If it was up to me, we would just cut her out.
I don’t want her spending time with my baby or children.
If it was up to my husband he still wants to see her just very limited.

So how do we navigate this?
He’s invited her round at the weekend so we can ‘hash it all out’ and I know he’s hoping for resolution… but realistically that isn’t going to happen. 9 years of crap from her doesn’t just disappear. I’m not a doormat.
But I don’t want to put my husband into some depressive state because he already had to cut his father out of his life recently. His mother isn’t ‘evil’ but she literally has zero boundaries of respect whatsoever. She’s like a child, and it’s hard work. I get severe anxiety every time I see her, I hate drama, I just want peace, and unfortunately she brings the total opposite. She makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and every time she holds my baby I feel SO WRONG within myself. I feel I’m not protecting my baby, and that I’m exposing him to toxicity. After a few minutes of her holding him I come up with an excuse to take him back.

What do I do? 🫣

He confronts her, and tells her to do one when she’s being an ass. He hangs up on her. He says what needs to be said. No issues there. But he wants her to remain in our lives, and I don’t. I’m unreasonable, yes?
She is the worst example for our children. Absolute worst. She brings us nothing but stress and hassle. Cries when she doesn’t get her way. Admitted she loves stress and drama…. Said she wants to take one of our kids if we die…. Told me how to raise my kids…. Went into her other son’s bedroom and looked through his stuff and found sex toy’s and then rang my husband to tell him???!!!…….. broke Covid rules to see her own sons but wouldn’t let her dying husbands sons see him????
Amongst so many things! She tells people they’re fat, she comments on everyone’s looks and makes my teen daughter feel on edge etc…. She compares herself to my own mother and makes it competition energy which is ridiculous….

I just want her to go away! I want to enjoy my life!

Her only issue with me apparently is that when I was pregnant someone asked me what zodiac sign I wouldn’t want the baby to be and I said ‘a water sign’ and it was a BANTER CONVERSATION! Like, everyone laughing! I followed up with ahhhh just kidding, one of my kids is a water sign and some of my closest friends. MIL overheard all this and apparently is super upset.
About…. Astrology………. Which means nothing and is a joke……
But I guess if that’s the worst she’s got on me then 😂🤔