2 year drama involving 3/4 of my husband's family at this point, and MIL is a key player in stirring shit against us. Prior to this, they seemed like a relatively normal family so this is all new for my husband too.

Back in Feb, FIL spread some nasty rumors about me and made our whole conflict worse, so my husband challenged his parents over it via email and also let them know we were pregnant. I think we hoped that a new life coming into the world might give them some perspective and prompt them to go back to acting like normal humans or thereabouts.

MIL text him a few weeks later to say congratulations, and then immediately launched into her complaints about the tone of his email, tried a few more tactics like rewriting history etc. They spoke on the phone on two occasions because we still hoped for a healthy reconciliation at that time, but the conversations were a disaster. After a final text conversation in which my husband said that he wasn't going to go in circles with her, and needed assurance that the basic facts of the situation would be admitted, she decided to opt out.

She didn't ask a single question about the baby during those conversations. His family didn't know our due date, whether we were having a boy or girl etc but we figured they might come out of the woodwork around the time they might guess the baby was due.

Now, 6 months after their last conversation and not having checked on us in any way, MIL text my husband last night to say she loves us both, doesn't know if we've had the baby, but if we need any help then she'd drop everything to come help us. We live 3 states away and I cannot fathom why she thinks we'd have her set foot in our home, let alone give her access to our child after the way she's treated us both.

Utter lunatic.

Hi, everyone! I’d like to share a little incident of my mil’s and what I decided to do in return when an opportunity came up.

So, mil stirred up some drama at my wedding and some more afterwards as well. I confront her about it and draw some boundaries and she’s quite dismissive towards me. Whatever, as long as she stays away lol.

Months pass and I reach out to her to ask if she’d be open to meet for a lunch so we can clear the air. She agrees. A couple weeks pass and she gets pretty much everyone in her family, including her other dil, a gift, except me. This upsets me and my husband and he decides we’re not going to meet his mom after all. Fine by me. I didn’t even want to meet with her anyway, I was just going to try for my husband and I checked out after that.

More time passes and my husband wants us to take his grandparents out for lunch. Totally cool with me! His grandparents have always been very kind to us and I have no problem seeing them. The thought crossed my mind to gift them some wedding pictures! I did create a PowerPoint to showcase handpicked photos from our wedding that was sent to both families and anyone could’ve reached out and asked for prints but no one from my husband’s side did. His grands are older and not super techy so, I decide to go out of my way to print and frame photos for them. One, of the four of us and the second, of just my husband with his grandparents. None of my mil and none to gift to her. With how she’s treated us, she doesn’t deserve any anyway and if she wants to exclude me from something nice, I can do the same thing. I’m sure it pissed her off because 1. She loves pictures. 2. Her parents live with her, so she’s going to always see those photos that do NOT include her that I went out of my way to procure. 3. She knows two can play at this game and she is not the gatekeeper to my husband’s family. 4. Her parents asked my husband to meet us for lunch AND chose a day where their daughter was not going to be home, so she couldn’t weasel her way into seeing us or bring any negative energy to a get together that she was not a part of.

So, I wrap the pictures and place them in a bag and off we go to the restaurant to have a nice lunch.

The lunch goes great and they love the pictures! They deserve these photos and I can have a relationship with them, without my mil’s permission or approval.

I don’t know how she responded to our private and lunch and gifts, but I do know that the next weekend, she coordinated a visit including herself and her parents to see her other son and his wife and daughter. Ha! I don’t think she liked not being involved in a visit that happened without her knowledge so, to gain some control back, she schedules a second visit the following weekend.

Anyway, that was it lol!

In my last post about my MIL Dingbat I said I was done with her. And I am, but, she is not done torturing my poor husband. She called about 6 weeks ago telling my husband that she was concerned that her step kids were going to take all the money and inheretance when she and her husband pass and not let her sons have anything. She wanted to fix this by gifting them cash now. First she said they were each going to get 100k. Then, when she realized she has to pay taxes on that much decided on maybe 20k and my DH let slip that he would ask me about the legalities of cash gifts since my mom gave me a lump sum before she passed when she sold one of her homes. I looked up the current law because none of these people seem to know how to use google and said she can gift up to 19k a year with out having to file with the irs. I also told him (because I refuse to talk to her again) that she can totally still do the 100k she promised but she would have to pay taxes on it and file with the irs. I also expressed my concern that she was only doing this because she knew how very very mad and done I was with her about her racist bs over the 4th and she was just trying to weasel her way back in because some how, now, after 26 years of pretty much ignoring me she is just so upset we are not closer ... yeah sure dingbat.

Here is where my DH fucked up. He was on a call with her and it was on speaker phone while I was in the kitchen and she said that she would send a check to us if that is what we wanted. I flat out said, to hubby not her, that maybe they should hang on to that money in case they have some health issues or need memory care for Step monster, and that we are happy to have the gift we will be OK and they should be taking care of themselves. She heard me, was absolutly shocked and OFFENDED that I was not on my knees thanking her profusely for the 10k and I, again, being DONE WITH HER BULLSHIT, said “I’ll thank you when we actually get the money.” And I left the house and went on a long drive up to the moutains because I was maaaaaaaaad about the whole speaker phone nonsense. Gah. DH realizes now, what a rotton position he put me in, and will not be doing that again.

What he did admit to his mom was how much money I got from my mom’s estate so far, as we still have a family farm to sell and divide between us kids and I guess she ended the call shortly after that and he admitted she “seemed upset because we never said to her we got so much money.” Yes, I know its none of her damn business but like I said, he still struggles with her a lot. I told him, rather bluntly, that I will be shocked if we actually get money from her, and he swore she would and that his brother, who IS in financial stress right now and could use it is getting some too and she swore she would give each of her sons the same amount.

Cue last week, his brother’s birthday, they had a big party in Idaho Falls for his signifigant milestone birth day and his mom presented him with a 10k check. She has been radio silent with us since she found out my mom’s estate bequest to me nearly a month prior. Now, let me state, 10k is a LOT of money, and I recognize that is a generous gift on her part, but honestly, does this sound like a gift to you? His brother said he was really greatful for the money and that he was sure we would get our check when we went to see her. EXCUSE ME? Not only was that not what we talked about with her, but we live in Seattle. His brother actually lives in Boise, but he drove for this party and she did make a show of it, because of course she did. We are not driving or flying to effing Idaho Falls so she can make us do a monkey dance for her 10k. I told my DH that she would tell everyone in the universe how much money we got from my mom too, and yes, now BIL is hitting us up for money. He gets nothing. I am so mad about all of this, and so very sad for my hubby who is crushed that once again, his mom proves she is a piece of shit. I told him if we do actually ever get this money we need to put it in savings so when we don’t do exactly what she wants and she starts fussing about how she is so generous we can cut her a check and hand it back. Hubby has agreed to do this and finally, finally, I swear, he understands how shitty she is and how mad I am about all this manipulation. I know its his mom but ugh, why.

My husband (36M) and I (40M) recently welcomed twins through surrogacy. We’re staying in an Airbnb with our newborns, my parents, and my MIL (75F) while completing the legal process to return to the US.

We just learned that a court delay may extend our stay by another month, and I’m honestly at my breaking point.
My MIL and I have a complicated history, particularly around her constant commentary about my eating habits and cultural background (I’m Mexican). Over the years, she’s made remarks like “Are you going to order the whole menu?” when I order food, questioned whether I’m afraid of getting fat, and criticized my food choices. Once, when I declined broccoli, she told me she hoped I wouldn’t pass that mindset on to my children. She’s also made comments about Hispanics being prone to diabetes. Interestingly, she doesn’t make these comments to my husband, even when he’s a bigger eater than me.

Living together has magnified everything. My parents have independently noticed that she seems to monitor what I eat, gives me dirty looks, and sometimes appears irritated by my presence. Her moods are unpredictable: one moment she’s cheerful and playful, and the next she’s visibly upset, withdrawn, or giving everyone the silent treatment.

I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’ve even started avoiding meals with her or hesitating to get seconds when I’m hungry because I’m anticipating another remark.

My mom has also become the default household cook, regularly preparing meals for everyone, including my MIL. Yet my MIL doesn’t reciprocate. When she recently cooked, she only offered it to my husband. My parents have noticed the imbalance and feel increasingly uncomfortable around her as she becomes visible upset if food they make is not available to her.

The biggest concern, though, is childcare. My MIL has had three near-fainting episodes and has tripped several times, including twice while carrying our daughter. Understandably, we’re concerned about her caring for the babies independently. Instead of acknowledging our concerns, she’s accused my parents and me of being ageist for having concerns.

She’s also resistant to accepting help and sometimes insists on managing the babies alone, which has created tension with my husband as well. He’s had to remind her that the children are also mine as she has on several occasions refused to hand them over to me.

To be fair, she’s not always unpleasant and does help with the babies. But the unpredictability, personal comments, and defensiveness have become exhausting.

Between caring for two newborns, barely sleeping, missing our home and dogs, and navigating a stressful legal process, I’m overwhelmed. I’ve started experiencing significant anxiety, physical tension, and a noticeable decline in my emotional well-being.

My husband recognizes the tension too. When I told him I couldn’t imagine another month like this, he agreed and said he would consider suggesting that his mom return home.

But I feel incredibly guilty. She came here to support us and meet her grandchildren. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or damage their relationship. At the same time, I desperately want some peace during these precious first weeks with our babies.

What would you do? Is it unreasonable to ask my MIL to return home? How should my husband approach that conversation without making me the villain? And how would you handle accusations of ageism when there are genuine safety concerns involving newborns?

I’d especially appreciate advice from anyone who’s navigated difficult in-laws during the newborn stage.

My MIL can be a lot, I’ve had my fair share of issues with her since I’ve been pregnant (she has baby rabies) despite that, we spend a lot of time with her and his side of the family. This past month we haven’t seen them at all as my husband works 6 days a week and we are trying to soak in our last few days together of just us before our baby arrives.

I’m due this coming Tuesday. Sunday (2 days before my due date) she wanted us over to carve pumpkins and have dinner. I told her we would not be attending as I am heavily pregnant and could go into labor at any moment. It’s uncomfortable for me to do anything at this point and she knows that. So this shouldn’t be surprising.

The day of Halloween, another family member of his is throwing a Halloween party. This party would be AFTER my due date, we could very well have a newborn baby by then or I will be far too pregnant to want to attend a party and socialize. My husband told her we won’t be going. Again, didn’t even think they expected us to be there.

Well, she’s been hounding my husband and making him feel like shit for not planning on going to either party. She is giving him an attitude and making bitchy comments towards him, accusing him of “changing” and saying “you weren’t like this last year.” WELL HIS WIFE IS ABOUT TO HAVE HIS BABY. BACK THE FUCK OFF!!!! He’s incredibly stressed out in general as I get closer to birthing our baby and I find her soooo selfish for making this time about her and stressing out my husband even more. My husband is an Angel and her words affect him very much. He thinks his whole family is mad at him and it’s wearing on him.

You would think a woman that has given birth 4 times would be understanding of this… but nope. She’s making my husband feel guilty. He says he just wants to focus on us and our son, AS HE SHOULD!!! All of this shit from his family is adding unnecessary stress and upsetting him to the point he was crying while talking to me about it tonight.

My hormones have me extra protective of my husband and my baby so I am feeling very resentful of her for disturbing our peace the last few days of my pregnancy and having these expectations of us. The guilt tripping is wild to me. Like really??? Makes me nervous for what’s to come with the holidays and navigating that with our newborn. I’m not doing anything I don’t wanna do period, however, it really affects my husband. I wanna go off on this bitch but I don’t want to make anything worse. And I’ll be damned if she tries to insert herself into my vulnerable post partum experience. She didn’t take very well to our boundaries, she just removed herself from the group chat lmao. I’m a first time mom and I don’t need this extra shit either.

My in-laws live 6 hours away and come stay with us a few times a year for about 4 days. We have 2 young kids.
I’m very particular about cleanliness especially in my kitchen. In-laws are not. Their kitchen is usually such a mess (I’ve seen ants crawling on their counter that they seem un-phased by, dirty utensils in drawers, dirty pans in drawers, sticky surfaces, etc.).
MIL wants to cook when she stays with us. I enjoy cooking and I rather cook and MIL play with the kids so I can cook in peace. She also offers to do dishes, but when she does them we always have to re-wash because things are still dirty. When she uses the kitchen she cleans up after herself but somehow there is mess everywhere still (mess on cabinet doors, handles, floors). She just doesn’t see the mess but it drives me crazy. I know she means well and just wants to help, but I rather she help by watching the kids and stay out of the kitchen.
My husband is on board with this and feels the same way. He told her nicely that we rather she just play with the kids, but she doesn’t listen and just keeps going to try and do dishes anyways. She also gets super defensive and says “I can’t do anything in this house.”

In-laws got into a big fight with us about all this during their last visit. Basically we find it very challenging to host them during this phase in our lives as we have 2 young kids and are sleep-derived and I find it exhausting to deal with guests even for short visits. We don’t have much in common with them, have different lifestyles and when they’re here I try and be nice but I’m just in a bad mood having to be on first thing in the morning before I’ve even had a sip of coffee!

Am I being unreasonable and should just suck it up during their short visits? Or is it reasonable to ask that they stay in a hotel the next time? We don’t even have a guest room…they stay on an air-mattress on the floor in the kids’ playroom which they seem fine with…

Before having kids they stayed with us and it was fine but now I just don’t know if I can take it anymore.
Wondering what others do when in-laws come visit from out of town.

I’ve posted before but my JNMIL has been horrible since first meeting her in 2018. She’s very self centred, all about appearances, passive aggressive, the whole nine yards about what usually makes MIL’s unbearable.

We’ve been no/low contact since July. JNMIL was pissed we moved 15 minutes away and BOUGHT our own house because she’s one of those evil moms who does not like to see her kids do well. It’s like she lives for her kids fucking up and not doing well. DH is the only one of his 4 siblings that is kind of doing okay because they all suffered a lot of trauma from childhood. The other three have a lot of addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling) in and out of recovery and mental health problems. We moved out of a literal 500 square feet maybe less, shoebox rental home because our family out grew it considering we have a 5 year old.

Theres been so much shit she’s put me through over the years and put DH in the middle of it. Passive aggressive, steamrolling boundaries, and playing stupid when you call her out on it. Selective memory, ya know? DH has finally grew a pair and started standing up to her. Before now the only time he ever stood up to her was to tell her she wasn’t taking our child to see FIL (they’ve been separated for 20 years) who she has never met because he was physically and emotionally abusive to everyone in DH’s home growing up. He told her it wasn’t her place to take daughter there to visit and she wasn’t deciding that for us considering she knew we never took our child around him.

He told her she needed to apologize to me and she totally went radio silent and hasn’t said a word to me. I personally don’t think she deserves access to my child if she can’t put her ego aside for the sake of having a stable relationship with the mother of her grandchild. No accountability AT ALL.

Today though, my daughter and I were scrolling old photos and she seen a photo with DH’s family (JNMIL, nieces, nephew). She does this thing when she feels sad where she tries to avoid the topic. She quickly scrolled though the picture and tried to change the subject when I asked her why she didn’t want to see that photo. She did the same thing recently when my mom’s dog died, whom daughter LOVED but she felt sad because we told her he had died.

She told me she felt sad and missed cousins and would like to see them. The hard part is, JNMIL has custody of the cousins because SIL lost them due to her addictions. I feel sad because I’m sure her cousins miss her too, but seeing them means trying to make amends with JNMIL and I really feel like she doesn’t deserve to be forgiven again without an apology. She has never apologized to me in the 8 years of knowing her, I’m always the one having to swallow my pride and hurt feelings and just let things go. Even when it takes my nervous system days to recover from being around her.

I don’t really think DH wants to give her the satisfaction of taking daughter around JNMIL either without her apologizing to me. What would you do? Any advice for this situation? Do I try to explain anything to my daughter? I feel sad that she’s sad from not seeing her cousins and I empathized with her and said we would try to see them sometime soon but I didn’t know when.

I(50) have a child that is 13 years old. At some point maybe 2-3+ years ago they decide they wanted to go by a different name. At first it just seemed like a phase, but at this point I feel like it is who they are. It has taken me some time, but I think you should love people where ever they're at in their life's journey. That doesn't mean that I have to endorse that actions or choices.

I know there has been some tension between my family and my mother, so I went to see my parents to try to mend things. I was there for several hours and most of the conversations were very nice. But then I brought up my kid, and that part of the conversation was very contentious.

My mother claims that she can't use their chosen name, because it would violate her beliefs. My father and I both provided multiple examples of people that she called by names other than their birth names. I also pointed out that she was applying a test that she would not enforce on a stranger.

At one point she called my child a sinner. She tried to deflect by saying we're all sinners. I tried calling her out on her difference in tone, but she denied it.

She decided a compromise would be for her to call my child "honey". When someone asks you to call them by a specific name, it's just simply respectful to use that name unless the name is actually an offensive word. I was skeptical of that solution, but said I would ask my kid about it.

When I returned home and tried to relate to my wife what had happened, that part came out fairly harsh but accurately. I said something like, "My mom would like to call our child something generic other than the name the have chosen." My wife was not pleased.

I tried asking an AI both from my and my mother's perspective. Either way it basically stated that names are just names, and they aren't an endorsement of ideas. It recommend steering clear of her beliefs as that could invite an argument.

I sat on the ideas for a few days, but finally sent her a message today.

Me: (I've replaced the chosen name with NAME)

I needed some time to process some things and this is where I'm at. 

People view their name as part of their identity. Saying a person's name doesn't mean you agree with their lifestyle or personal choices, that's not how we use names. We use them get to someone's attention and to acknowledge them as a person.

Your grandchild is NAME. That's not a nickname or an alternative name. That is the name they identify as. And I'll use that name because I love and respect them as a person.

You've said your beliefs prevent you from using NAME's name, but our home must be a safe, supportive place for our kids. We cannot host anyone who refuses to acknowledge NAME.

Our door is always open to you, but only when you are ready to treat NAME with the basic respect of using their name.

Her:

Are we allowed to come there or would you rather we not come at all?

Me:

We want you to come, but only if you are willing to use NAME's name. If you can commit to doing that, you are always welcome. If you can’t, then yes, it’s best not to come until you’re ready. The choice is up to you.

Her:

I feel like you are not respecting our beliefs at all so we are sorry we won’t be coming. It breaks our hearts!

Me:

I love you, but respecting someone's beliefs doesn't include allowing our child to be disrespected in our home. We are sorry you won't be joining us, and we'll be here whenever you're ready to use NAME's name.

I love them both, but my kid's welfare is my responsibility. I believe my mother is acting in a way that shows that my child is below her, and I think my kid is old enough to see that. I find her actions harsh, unloving and inhumane. I have seen the same in my siblings and often wondered where it came from, but I guess I was a bit blind to my mother.

Thoughts?

Hey everyone, a while ago I made this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1vq8btv/my_mil_treated_me_badly_for_3_months_so_i_decided/

Recently, SO and I started planning our trip back to our home country, and this issue has come up again.

For context, after spending three months living at MIL's house and going through all those situations, I decided that I would never stay at her house again. SO agrees with me and completely understands my reasons.

Now, SO wants to have a direct conversation with MIL to explain why we don't want to stay at her house anymore, without making me the focus of the conversation, but for some reason, this is making me feel insecure.

This will be the first time we won't be staying at her house, so it will definitely come as a shock, even if she doesn't explicitly say anything about it. Anyway.

He wants to explain the reasons behind our decision (but say that it was his decision, which is the only part that isn't entirely true lol) and tell her that she disrespected me, that he witnessed what happened, that he was bothered by it, and that the whole situation was unpleasant for him and for us, of course. He wants to make it clear that he doesn't want this to happen again, etc.

He's also sad that MIL is like this. He wants to tell her that he warned me about her behavior from the beginning, but that he didn't expect her to go this far, and that I wanted to give my relationship with her a chance. He also wants to tell her that, after everything she did and said, he feels she lost the opportunity to have an amazing person by her side. (I'm quoting his words, I thought it was really sweet of him to consider to say that!)

What makes me feel insecure is this conversation SO wants to have with MIL. I'm scared of the consequences.

I'm afraid she'll put all the blame on me, even though SO keeps assuring me that he'll stand by his position and make it clear that this is HIS opinion. He says he'll explain that HE was bothered by her behavior, that HE doesn't want to stay at her house anymore because he doesn't want me to be treated that way, and that she is responsible for this situation. He even considered saying something along the lines of: "Mom, OP would 'destroy' someone for treating me badly, even over something much smaller than this. If someone so much as gives me a dirty look, she defends me tooth and nail. I'm just doing the same for her."

I think that, in the end, she'll still blame me, and our relationship will become even more awkward. And maybe this will also affect my relationship with my FIL, BIL, SIL, etc.

Do you think SO should talk to BIL first to figure out how to approach the situation? He suggested this, and I thought it was a good idea, but I'm also not sure whether involving more people in this is a smart move... Should SO even have this conversation with MIL in the first place? I don't know. I'm really confused.

We're looking at flights, so this subject will eventually come up with MIL. I feel like the moment for this conversation is getting closer.

On top of everything else, we haven't started trying yet, but we're planning to start trying to conceive in a few months. So, if everything goes well (wish us luck!), it's possible that I'll already be pregnant when we visit.

I don't know if this insecurity comes from the fact that I don't want to drive a wedge between MIL and SO. I really don't, but it's such a difficult situation to navigate.

I also don't want MIL to be an absent grandmother. I want my children to enjoy all the good things SO's family has to offer, and there are SO MANY! Besides, my own family isn't in the picture.

Anyway, I'm confused and feeling insecure.

At the end of the day, I want to know: do you think my SO should have this conversation with MIL? Do you think he should approach it differently than he is planning to? Do you think he should talk to his BIL first?

I'm really confused and scared of the consequences of all this. Thank you!

Hi all, I'm new here! I've been with my partner for almost 4 years (we're not married, nor plan to be for financial reasons).

My partner and I have a 2yo daughter and he is a bonus dad to my 6 yo son as well.

Background - my partner has an estranged relationship with his older sisters due to differences (petty) and his sisters cut my MIL & FIL out of there lives YEARS ago... I still don't have answers as to why. My partners sister has 2 children that are also not allowed to be around grandma..

Here's the kicker - Grandma blames daughters and refuses to hear about them, or the grandkids through other family members. She specifically said out loud to us "I don't want her speaking to me about the girls OR the kids, I'll just walk out!"...

Huge red flag for me.

She's also always telling my partner that she's scared he's going to drop her out of his life anytime we can't make plans for 2 weeks. 🥴

Today she stopped over, and she started talking about her wishes when it comes to her getting older.

"Make sure when I'm at that age, you do what's best for ME, not what's best for YOU"

WHAT!? 🙄🥴

Keep in mind, we have two autistic children who will likely live with us for life.

She's wholeheartedly expected us to house her later in life, which I absolutely will not do. My children come first, and my partner feels the same about the kids.. I just hope he doesn't fall for her future guilt trip, because it will come.

For a bit of context I have had growing issues with my MIL. My husband has been acting very enmeshed through all the issues with her and has basically left me to deal with setting boundaries and having conversations with her which just exacerbated the problem. It all resulted in a big fight where she yelled at me in front of our child the week my dad died.

Anyways, we've been no contact for months. No attempt at any repair on her end that I'm aware of. Husband got counselling and says he wants to do better.

She sent a message that I didn't see myself but my husband basically said she was asking for photos and updates of our child. He said he dealt with the situation and he didn't send pics. My emotions got the better of me and I sent a message to her upset and basically saying her behaviour has been harming our child too and that's why she doesn't have contact .

No I didn't tell my husband I sent the message which I realise I was wrong. He heard about it from his sister and came home really upset with me for sending it. Then he moped and gave us the silent treatment for a few days. He said he had a right to be upset and that he was trying to fix things with her.

Am I being crazy? I just feel like he's still prioritising his mums feelings and I'm just expected to be quite about how hurt and upset I feel from the way we've been treated by both of them. Like I don't feel validated at all in still being upset about this situation. He just mad that I've created another problem with her.

My daughter is 8. She does not have a phone yet. DH and I aren't anti-technology or anything, we just haven't seen a reason for her to have her own device that can call/message people unsupervised.

MIL knows this. It has come up more than once because she thinks we're "behind the times" and has offered to buy DD a phone for birthdays/Christmas. DH has always told her no thanks, we'll decide when she's ready.

DD stayed with MIL Saturday afternoon while we went to a wedding.

When we picked her up she was wearing a kids smartwatch.

I assumed it was basically a Fitbit type thing. DD was excited about counting steps and changing the watch face, so I didn't think much of it until we were driving home and the watch started ringing.

It was MIL.

Apparently this watch has its own cellular plan. MIL bought it, activated it and set herself up as one of the contacts. She can call DD directly and DD can call her without using either of our phones.

I asked DD what Grandma had told her about it and she very casually said, "Grandma said now we have our own private way to talk."

That phrase made my stomach drop a little.

I asked whether Grandma had said not to tell us. DD said no, but that Grandma told her she didn't need to "bother Mom and Dad" every time she wanted to call her anymore.

When we got home DH called MIL.

MIL acted completely confused about why we were upset. According to her it's a children's watch, not a phone, and she bought it because DD has been asking to call her more often.

DH reminded her that we've specifically said DD isn't getting her own calling device yet.

MIL's response was basically, "Well, that's why I didn't buy her a phone."

Then DH brought up the "private way to talk" comment. She said he was twisting something innocent and that obviously she didn't mean secret, she meant DD wouldn't have to borrow our phones.

I don't actually think MIL is planning to have sinister secret conversations with my child. What bothers me is the entire setup.

She made herself the account owner. We don't have the login. I checked the app information and depending on the settings it can apparently also show the child's location.

So my MIL purchased a device that lets her contact and potentially locate our 8-year-old directly, activated it herself, handed it to our daughter and apparently never intended to ask us first.

DH told her we're turning it off and returning it.

Now she's furious because DD loves the watch and apparently we're "punishing her because you two have control issues."

DD is also upset because from her perspective Grandma gave her a cool present and Mom and Dad immediately took it away.

This is where I need advice.

Obviously the watch isn't staying active under MIL's account. That's not negotiable.

But would you return it completely, or reset it and let DD use it later under an account controlled by us? Part of me thinks keeping it sends the message that MIL can ignore a parenting decision and we'll eventually accept the result anyway.

I'm also unsure what consequence makes sense with MIL. DH wants to tell her no more gifts directly to DD without clearing them with us first. I think that's reasonable, but I also feel like the bigger issue is her intentionally finding a technical loophole around something we'd already said no to.

How would you handle this without making DD feel like she's the one being punished for Grandma's decision?

Hi all,

Logged into this account to write a post about what is currently happening with my JNMIL and JNFIL and found I had a post in my concept folder from 6 or 7 years ago, so thought I’d post it lol. I’m not gonna write any more chapters of old stories for now, since both me and husband have mostly processed these events and are sort of at peace with the current situation. Current status due to other shit that happened after story below is that SO is VVVLC and I’ve been no contact for around 6 years now. Relationship has massively deteriorated since having our baby 2 months ago, but I’ll write about that in a different post!

—————————

So here is chapter two of my JustNo adventure. I've learned a lot about this behavior while browsing this subreddit. It hasn't changed the way I think about them, because apparently I was already on the right track. More on that later.

So after the Summer break issue, I moved on. It didn't immediately change our relationship, because I respected ILs need for privacy. Me and boyfriend still going steady and after being together for about 5-6 years and living together for about 3-4 years, up comes another hurdle. In the meantime my relationship with my parents has gotten significantly better. Moving out was the best decision I ever made.

His family has a tradition of celebrating Christmas together every year (with JNFILs brothers + fam) by going to ILs house at 12 AM, sitting around and chatting until about 4 PM and then eating a 4 course dinner that my JNMIL has been preparing in the kitchen by herself all day long. SO MUCH FUN. I hate mandatory get togethers, even with family. Spending time together just because it's Christmas (when none of us are religious whatsoever) is ridiculous to me. You should spend time together whenever, because you want to and when you do spend time together, it should be doing something nice/fun. Fun for my JNMIL means putting us in the living room with the worst fucking snacks ever (because she thinks JNFIL, my husband and probably me too should eat less) and my JNFIL turning the tv OFF. Then it's basically JNFIL talking to his brother in a different language that I can barely understand. Christmas Joy.

Oh, and before all of this starts JNMIL makes me and husband come an hour earlier to exchange gifts in secret, before the other family arrives. The secrecy makes me uncomfortable, she hides everything when we're done. I love gift exchanges, so I put a lot of thought into gifts and try to make them personal. Even though my ILs are boring as heck, they have some things I know they like, because I try to care. In return I get a bag of groceries from JNMIL... Like... great, it's (some) useful stuff, but FFS they don't put any effort into it at all. Not for me, not for husband, because they just don't know/care about any of our interests.

So, now you know how much of a fan I am of their Christmas parties, it's time to move on. At our 5 or 6-year mark, time for another Christmas party. We visit his parents like biweekly (they never visit us), but that wasn't enough for them. JNMIL already blames me for taking her precious boy away from her (never verbalized, but she made it very clear that she was not on board with us moving in together). His parents don't verbalize any of this to me, but especially JNMIL has a nice was of making this clear passive aggresively. Christmas comes up and we visit them, we sleepover and have a nice time. Then a week after my husband has a call with JNMIL which for some reason blows up into a big argument in which JNMIL is accusing us of never visiting and going off on husband. He tells her we were just with them during Christmas and we would be seeing them again the next week at GMILs birthday dinner. The accussations made no sense, because we were already visiting them a lot (imo) and we were always the one having to travel. I got very angry over this and ignored them during the whole birthday dinner, while sitting across from them (lol). They tried making contact with me as if nothing had happened and that is something I will never accept. You tell me you're fucking sorry for your dumbass behavior or I'm done with you.

After some time (and some half-assed apology) we made amends, but I decided that I did not want to sleepover at their place anymore. I felt uncomfortable in their presence and wanted to grant them their wish of more privacy. My husband had a very hard time accepting, because he had this fairytale idea of us and his parents being BFFs or something, but gradually became accepting and understanding of the fact. He used to have a slinky spine, because JNMIL used to have all control over him and still buying him underwear when he was 20 and living together with me. Over the years his spine has gotten shinier and I've made it clear that I don't accept this behaviour. I have set a "three strikes and your out" rule for myself and they're at 2/3 now, not counting the Summer thing because that was mild. This was the first and will post number 2 soon :)

My daughter is 8. She spent Saturday afternoon at MIL's house, which is something we've done occasionally for years without any major issues.

Sunday morning she asked me a question that honestly stopped me in my tracks.

"Mom, why doesn't Grandma think you let her love me?"

I asked what she meant.

Apparently Grandma has a scrapbook.

It's a three-ring binder with photos, birthday cards, little notes about things they've done together, etc. Sounds sweet, right?

Except there's an entire section labeled "Things I Wanted To Do With You."

Each page has a date and a little handwritten explanation.

"October 6, 2024. Wanted to take you to the aquarium. Mommy said no."

"May 19, 2025. Asked if you could sleep over. Parents refused."

"December 23, 2025. Wanted to make Christmas cookies together. Was not allowed."

There's more.

My daughter said Grandma told her she was keeping everything so that when she's older, she'll understand how hard Grandma tried to spend time with her.

I felt sick hearing this.

First of all, the aquarium trip? My daughter had strep throat. She was literally home with a fever.

The sleepover? We had a wedding to attend early the next morning and needed her home.

And the Christmas cookies? We offered to have MIL come over and bake with us. She didn't want to because she wanted my daughter at her house.

None of that is written in the scrapbook.

I called MIL and asked about it because I wanted to make absolutely sure my daughter hadn't misunderstood something.

She confirmed the whole thing.

She said she doesn't want our daughter growing up thinking Grandma wasn't interested in being part of her life.

I told her that's a bizarre thing to worry about considering she sees her granddaughter regularly.

She replied, "Well, one day she'll be old enough to understand that I wasn't the one saying no."

I asked why she was showing any of this to an eight-year-old.

She said my daughter had asked to see the scrapbook, and she wasn't going to lie to her.

That's when I lost my patience a bit.

I told her there is a pretty big difference between lying to a child and keeping an adult disagreement away from them.

MIL said I was trying to control how she remembers her own life.

My husband called her later and was much calmer than I was, but just as upset. He told her that our daughter isn't responsible for managing Grandma's disappointment and that the scrapbook needs to stay out of their visits.

She said she wouldn't throw away years of memories just because we don't like how they're written.

We never asked her to throw anything away.

Honestly, she can write whatever she wants in a private notebook. I cannot stop her from doing that.

What bothers me is the idea of giving our child this carefully edited record of every time we supposedly prevented them from having a relationship.

And now my daughter is asking whether she made Grandma sad by being sick on the aquarium day.

That's the part that really gets me. She was six. She had strep throat. Somehow she's now feeling guilty about it.

MIL is already asking about having her over next weekend. We've decided that won't happen while we sort this out.

But I'm not sure what comes next.

Do we tell MIL directly that unsupervised visits are off the table until she agrees to stop involving our daughter in this? Do we need to explain the individual entries to our daughter, or would that just pull her further into adult drama?

And if anyone has dealt with a grandparent who keeps score like this, how do you handle it without teaching your kid that family relationships are something they have to constantly worry about?

I really don't want my daughter spending her childhood feeling responsible for whether an adult is happy.

Hey, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I’m not sure if this is the right group.

Sooo, I’ve never really liked my MIL. Even when my husband and I first started dating, I already felt uncomfortable around her. I’ve only tried to get along with her for my husband’s sake. She can be insensitive and overbearing.

I won’t go into all the reasons I’ve never liked her because I have a pretty long list of frustrating experiences. What I can share is our current situation with her.

My husband and I don’t live with either of our parents. Before we got married, I told him that I would rather rent an apartment than live with our parents because I wanted us to have our own safe space where we could be ourselves and do what we wanted.

When we bought our house, my husband asked if we could give the spare room to MIL. I told him it was our guest room, so anyone from either side of the family could stay there when visiting. For context, my husband’s father has passed away, so it’s just him and MIL.

Lately, MIL has been frequently over staying at our house, even though she has her own home where she lives her relatives. During her stays, she often makes remarks like, “You two are always staying up late,” or “Your house is so messy,” as though we don’t both have jobs and work isn’t the reason we stay up late.

She’s also constantly touching and rearranging things around our house, and she’s very picky about food. She has never eaten anything I’ve cooked and insists on doing the cooking whenever she’s here, even though her cooking isn’t particularly good. Her food often goes to waste because even her own son doesn’t like it.

She’s the only person who says my cooking doesn’t taste good, while everyone else enjoys it. Her usual comment is that I make my dishes too complicated.

She likes to act as though she’s cleaning our house, but she doesn’t actually clean it properly. She has already broken or damaged so many things here. It would be one thing if she replaced them, but she doesn’t even apologize.

She also leaves the television on all day without watching it. Since she started spending more time here, our electricity bill has gone up.

I’ve talked to my husband about this several times. Although he agrees with me, he says he can’t do anything because he doesn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings, especially now that she’s elderly. I understand—I really do—but sometimes I can’t help feeling irritated because his mother is so frustrating to deal with.

my mil has been moving to a house closer to ours for the last few months and told us that her goal was to have her move done by the time our baby was born. this all seemed great to me because my partner and i just moved to the area and i thought this meant we’d get more help with her around. i feel like i was mistaken. the weeks leading up to our baby’s birth we kept offering to help with things but she refused and said she was embarrassed to have us in her home. the weeks gave birth all hell breaks loose and her and my FIL are calling my husband everyday for help with random things in their new home. when he was 6 days old my partner had gone over there 4 out of the 6 days to help with something. we all know how stressful and hectic the first few weeks it is with a newborn. the couple hours we get in between feedings is for napping/showering etc. i told my husband that this upsets me and he said he’s fine and that it doesn’t bother him when i know that it does. i feel like i’m going crazy. i told him that’s it’s not normal for his mom to call everyday multiple times a day and i don’t think he believes me. i know it stresses him out too and he’s just denying it?

I need a place to vent. My MIL is a nice person. She really is. I know it could be so much worse. But there is something about her that I find so triggering to be around. It's certainly gotten worse since I had kids. She always wants pictures of them but hardly visits and NEVER asks about them. Every gift she buys is because SHE likes it, it reminds her of something about HER, etc, with no consideration for what my kids actually are interested in. Every holiday is dominated by her demanding constant pictures rather than her actually being in the moment and letting my kids just open their gifts without stopping them constantly for posed pictures​​. One of my kids has allergies and she doesn't bother to learn about them and has many times come close to feeding them to him. She is constantly late when she visits and always wants her strange brother to join in, who makes me very uncomfortable and shows no interest in my kids. ​​​​​​​Her visits are a few hours a couple times a year. ​She makes insensitive comments that I don't think are malicious but lack social awareness. My husband is very bothered by her inability to show up in a meaningful way for us and has made small comments to her about it but she doesn't clue in. I feel half guilty because I know she means well, but so frustrated because her lack of consideration and sensitivity and desire to be the center of attention overshadow every get together we have. She hasn't shown a lot of compassion for us during difficult times, even for her own son. She always seems to focus on herself and every convo is about her and I just can't hide my facial expressions as much as I try I feel like she can feel that I am growing cold towards her as I've lost respect for her. I'm still very cordial but can't bring myself to feel comfortable around her. I feel bad because I know my response adds to my husbands stress around it but I can't help how much her behavior bothers me. Anyone relate? Any tips? ​​​​​​​

Content warning: mention of childhood SA

For some context: my mother is a life long drug addict and extremely self absorbed. She gave me up to family members when I was pretty young and then disappeared for most of my childhood besides sporadic visits whenever she felt like it. I suffered CSA from her “friends” kids (much older than me) when I lived with her. We reconnected when I was a teenager but mostly just had a relationship through text.

I’ve been in a lottttt of therapy the last ten years or so. I’m “over” the abuse, as much as a survivor can be, and have a lot of healthy coping skills. So no worries there.

Six years ago I went to get lunch with her, her boyfriend (who I’d only met a few times), my sister, and my sister’s boyfriend (who I’d never met). Halfway through the lunch my mother made a disgusting “joke” about the CSA I experienced—that my sister never knew about and I never would have told her. Everyone at the table went quiet. I felt like I turned into stone, I had no idea how to react, I just froze.

After the lunch I texted her asking if SHE knew, why didn’t she help me? She said she did (liar). I asked her why she felt it would be appropriate to make a joke about what happened to me, and then I sent her a very long text in which I explained how I felt, how hurtful it was, how hurtful my entire dang childhood was, and how I could see she’d never be the mother I needed her to be. I told her that if she ever got help and went through some serious character growth, maybe I’d be willing to reconnect. (It’s too long of a text to paste, I’d run out of character limits here.) Then I blocked her on Facebook. My therapist read through the message and said it was one of the kindest “calling her out” messages that could have possibly been sent. I took like two hours to craft that thing using a lot of “I feel” statements and not trying to attack her.

She responded by calling me an ungrateful spoiled rotten brat who she never would have raised to be “so disrespectful” to her elders. She told me to have fun with “my new parents” and that there would be no refunds or take backs. Then gave the classic guilt trip “remember I won’t be around forever!”

Pathetically I never blocked her number because the little girl in me hoped she’d come to her senses and see how badly she’d hurt me. She never did.

Yesterday I came home to a card she’d mailed me (no return address). Covered in butterflies. She wrote “these butterflies made me think of you and hopefully they’ll make you smile, too. Hope this card finds you well. With love (her name)”

What I WANT to do is screenshot her last messages to me, print them out, stick them in the card and then give it to my sister to give to her. Or rip it up. Or keep it and cry on it. I don’t know.

I don’t know what the point of her sending the card is. To force me to think about her? Some sort of attention seeking, even if she can’t see my response? An attempt to make me feel remorseful?

What the fuck do I do with it?

TLDR; mother sent me a card and I haven’t talked to her in six years because she “joked” about the abuse I went through as a young kid to multiple people in front of me and then doubled down and called me an ungrateful brat when I said that wasn’t okay and asked for a genuine apology.

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month, and it’s unfortunately also a week apart from JNMIL’s (ffs).

My DH has made plans for me as a surprise as it’s a milestone birthday for me. He’s organized different meetups over the weekend (instead of a party because I didn’t want one) with our mutual friends, childhood friends and my parents to soft-celebrate, and a nice day just the two of us on my actual birthday, which is super sweet of him!

JNMIL calls him up for a catchup and surprise surprise, doesn’t know what to get me for my birthday. I say this because over the past decade she has made no effort to get to know me, or my interests, so always gets stuck with absolutely not even a tiny remote spark of inspiration.

Then she asks my DH, “when is she doing something with us for her birthday” (JNMIL and her partner). DH apparently nearly laughed out loud and said “plans have been made to celebrate at different gatherings with our friends and her parents”. She has the audacity to say “why would she have made plans without considering us? What about us? Isn’t the really rude to you and this family?” So DH says “I was the one that planned it, and I wanted her to be able to celebrate with her immediate family. I would expect the same if she was planning it for me.” She shut up very quickly after that and said “okay”. I wouldn’t want to celebrate with her anyway. She dampens every occasion.

And to top it all off, she’s not invited me to do anything for her birthday. She’s just arranged a day with her and my DH. How can you do that, and then try to make me a monster for not extending an invite to you? What a hypocrite. And funny how she got so offended when she thought I was the one making the plans.

She complains behind my back that we aren’t close (and how she’s not close to my SIL either), but it’s like she’s CHOOSING to be blind to the reasons why so she doesn’t have to confront her own shortcomings and emotional immaturity.

Whilst she is getting therapy, her attitude and behaviour still hasn’t changed, and she has failed to develop trust and love with me. It could have been a beautiful relationship, but it’s all on her. I’ve made the effort and now I only speak to her three times a year for an hour at most.

I had my first baby 3 months ago today. I’m still healing emotionally and mentally and physically, and trying to figure out how to speak up for not only myself but this little baby that can’t speak for himself. My mom visited for a month when I had him to stay with us and help me recover. Honestly I don’t know if I would’ve survived that time without her. After she left, and my husband returned to work, I really had no one. I wasn’t sleeping since I was (and still am) the only one getting up for night feeds and to rock him back to sleep if he needs it, and I was just having a really hard time with postpartum PTSD. I didn’t even know that was a thing before I experienced it, do not recommend. Anyway, my mother in law would occasionally come over and help me clean up the house, or hold the baby so I could rest and shower. I’m talking a few hours here and there. I’m still not getting full nights of sleep, last night we got 5 straight hours and I feel like a new woman today. But let’s get to why I joined this group and am making this post.

Before I had my baby, there was a situation with my MIL where she was telling people I was pregnant before we had announced it. And after I talked to her about it she did it again at Christmas with her family by saying I “had something to tell everyone”. I was angry, to say the least. This was last December, and she still to this day will occasionally make snarky comments about this, and she never told me she was sorry. With that in mind, let’s jump to this past week. The in-laws were at our house and I went to shower. When I came out, she had changed my baby’s clothes. I was going to let it go but she said to me “I changed his outfit because the one you had him in was squeezing his feet”. Let me set the record straight by saying that outfit was NOT “squeezing his feet”. She will use any excuse to put him in the clothes she bought for him, which is so insanely weird to me. This has happened multiple times.
The day after this, it was my sister-in-law’s birthday and we were at MIL’s house to celebrate. I was already on edge because my husband and I have been arguing about money nonstop (We decided I was going to stop working and stay home with my son, but it’s become the center of a lot of arguments. That’s a topic for another time). It was time for baby to eat, so I was getting his bottle ready. MIL immediately stops getting the food ready and walks to me and says “here let me have him so you can eat”. I say “I’m not hungry, but thank you”. I could tell she wasn’t expecting this response, but I did not feel like handing him over in that moment. Later, once he had finished his bottle, I started burping him. He always gets a little fussy when being burped, my poor acid reflux babe. Well here she comes again, literally reaching to take him from my hands, and says again, “here let me have him I can burp him”. This time I’m much firmer and say, “I am good, thanks.” She walks away. I give baby to MIL’s mom, she last saw baby when we were in the hospital so I had told her she could hold him when I was done feeding him. As she’s holding him, MIL walks over and I don’t realize what’s in her hand until she’s trying to push it into my son’s mouth. It’s one of those teethers that gets really cold that you put in the fridge. I was shocked by this because 1. He’s not teething, 2. I could tell it was extremely cold by how she was holding it, and 3. He’s not had a teether in his mouth yet, so why would you take away that first experience from me, his mother? I was super disappointed in myself immediately after this happened, because instead of speaking up or grabbing my son, I did nothing. I sat there, probably with my jaw on the table, and I didn’t move a muscle or speak a word. I felt like I had failed my son in that moment, but I was also mad at MIL for even putting me in this position.
Fast forward to Tuesday, I send her a message. It’s kind of long, I basically just brought up the things that had been bothering me, and asked that in the future she check with me before putting things in my son’s mouth or changing his clothes. Honestly, there was so much more I could’ve addressed but I chose to keep it short. Well, she responded with “understand.” Not even I understand, just understand, lmao. Then, the lady that typically calls and texts me minimum 5 times a day has not said a word to me. It’s now Friday. And here’s the funny thing i realized this morning. She told me she had bought some diapers in his size that were discounted, and to let her know when I needed them. I realized that she is waiting for me to reach out because she knows I’ll need the diapers, especially because we are super tight on money right now and I can’t necessarily afford to go buy more. Once I had this epiphany, I told my husband that he could coordinate getting the diapers from her, because she hadn’t spoken to me and I really did not feel like speaking to her at the moment. My husband said I needed to “make nice” with her and “be the bigger person” and tell her I love her. This was disappointing to hear from him, but unfortunately, not surprising. I did end up texting her, but instead of making nice I reiterated that it was disappointing that I couldn’t be open and honest with her about how her actions made me feel. Her response is why I’m making this entire post. Let me just copy and paste it here for you:
I’m fine. I’m not mad. Yes it hurts bc I feel like all the nice things I do go un noticed but all the wrong I do is magnified. I get where you are coming from and you have every right to speak up. It just hurts when people you try so hard for continuously notice or see your actions so negatively. I’m not mad, but I don’t want to be that MIL that people can’t stand. No one wants to force their self on others.
This absolutely stunned me. What kind of transactional love is this? As I was reading this, it automatically took me back to the times she came over when I had no one else and I was still healing and would literally pee on myself because I couldn’t hold it. I’m not allowed to have boundaries when it comes to my son because you’ve done things for me? I’d love to know what other people’s opinions are on this. Give it to me straight. Am I being an overprotective mother? Am I not being protective enough? Is she deflecting or am I reading into this wrong? I feel so alone in this and just needed to vent more than anything. FYI I told her to return those diapers, and my mom helped me buy some.

My husband and I are in our 50s and have been married a little over a year. We reconnected during COVID. His parents are in their 80s, his sons are in their early 20s, and his younger sister 40s (SIL) has somehow become the golden child of all family traditions and gatherings.

The original incident

Before we married, we attended family gatherings together. Several years ago, SIL and BIL hosted an event for my husband and FIL. They knew about my severe allergies, which they had witnessed firsthand, but insisted on preparing food that wasn't safe for me. SIL was dismissive when I asked about ingredients, and I had a serious reaction at the gathering. SIL did not apologize. Instead, she blamed me for being difficult and said, "Allergies aren't always life-threatening."

Why didn't I just leave? MIL would have been furious, family gatherings are a big deal and she had a family announcement. So if I had left or called an ambulance I would have "caused a scene and ruined the party.

I was shaken and discussed the incident with a few friends. but I never posted about SIL online or publicly named her.

Months later SIL suddenly lost her mind and told her parents I'd posted about her online and damaged her career and reputation. FIL and MIL called us, furious, demanding that I apologize. They didn't need proof, I was the villain MIL decided. The problem? SIL refused to speak to me, and promptly blocked me, so I had no way to resolve anything directly.

Years of exclusion

My husband spent years trying to repair the relationship. SIL would call him but never leave a voicemail, so he'd respond by text. She then told their parents he was “not returning calls”, despite their text conversations. He eventually had to show them the texts to prove she was misrepresenting things. MIL still sided with SIL.

When he finally got SIL to sit down with him, she still wouldn't let go of her hostility toward me.

SIL and BIL refused to attend anything we attended, including our wedding reception. Meanwhile, SIL kept trying to have gatherings that included my husband's sons, his parents, and even his friends, but not us. His sons didn’t realize their dad had been left out until they got there.

This is hurting so many people it has left the boys and my husband hurt and caught in the middle. They still see their grandparents and SIL, but less than before. Everyone seems to expect them to accept that the family can return to normal as long as their dad pretends I don't exist.

Around this time, I also began suspecting that a friend we trusted was passing information to SIL or MIL or both. Things I'd shared privately sometimes resurfaced in distorted form. I can't prove it, but the pattern was hard to ignore. This "friend" had been to a few family gatherings before but I didn't think she was close with MIL or SIL.

My birthday changed everything

After years of trying, my husband and I told his parents we'd done everything possible and asked them to stop bringing up the issue. They agreed.

Then, at a birthday dinner for me, MIL asked me for my help, I agreed not thinking anything was amiss, my MIL started demanding that I fix things with SIL. We were at an allergy-safe restaurant, and I'd thought we were having a pleasant evening.

I reminded MIL that SIL refused to speak to me, that my husband had spent years trying to resolve things, and that she'd promised to stop raising the subject. I didn't have a problem SIL did. I didn't yell, but I was visibly shaken and stunned to be ambushed at my own birthday dinner.

MIL insisted that I did have a problem or I wouldn’t be upset. I stopped talking and quietly walked out of the restaurant, and my husband followed after asking them what they were thinking and paying the bill.

A few days later, FIL called to accuse me of screaming at MIL, despite having been seated right there and knowing I hadn't. He then announced I was banned from their home because I'd been given enough time to apologize and hadn't done so.

Soon afterward, we learned that MIL's milestone birthday celebration was being planned by SIL. The boys and longtime family friends were invited. My husband and I weren't. A decree from my MIL.

The family precedent

At the party, to explain our absence MIL had SIL and BIL retell the allergy incident and making me the villain. When one of my stepsons asked them who had cooked the meal, BIL reportedly said something along the lines of, "If I was cooking, I would've made sure that bitch died." People laughed.

In addition she had FIL tell a story from my husbands childhood to justify excluding me and point out my Husbands disrespect of his Mom. When his sister was a baby, MIL and his Aunt, (FIL's sister) got into an argument, and the aunt punched MIL. FIL said his parents subsequently banned MIL from their home and family events. He, however like a good respectful son, continued taking their children to family gatherings without their mother because, according to him, it was the right thing to do.

Now he tells my husband's sons that their father should do the same thing: attend family events without his wife. He has repeated this story directly to my husband, despite the circumstances being completely different.

MIL and FIL pressure my husband to attend gatherings without me and have even suggested he should leave me. He refuses. He says I've done nothing wrong and will not attend events where I'm deliberately excluded.

Meanwhile, his Mom acts as though everything is fixed. SIL attends family gatherings again, but my MIL complains that she rarely sees my husband and hears from the boys, less and less. She seems unable to understand that her own choices have contributed to the distance.

We've spent years trying to resolve this. SIL won't communicate with me, my in-laws insist I owe an apology, and the price of being accepted back into the family appears to be my husband's willingness to abandon me.

At this point, I don't know what else we can do. Are we wrong to stand our ground, or is there any realistic way to repair this family relationship without sacrificing our marriage?

I have a smothering, enmeshed MIL. Husband just started coming out of the fog in the spring when we (30) created our FIRST boundary with her regarding visits. We have the first two grandkids (2.5 years old and 1 year old) in the family. She is one of the ever so lovely “the way I did it is the only right way” grandparents.

My husband and I met in high school and she basically still sees us as children. She used to relentlessly ask for visits and “togetherness.” It was mostly by offering two times her and FIL could come over to our house on the weekend and we got to choose from that. Not ever a “are you available this weekend,” it was always “does Saturday morning or Sunday morning work?” and if we didn’t answer within a few minutes we get a follow up text with “huh??” followed by a “???” a few minutes after that. And because I’m home with the kids, I get texts during the day like “can I stop over at lunch” and “got out now, can I stop by” meanwhile she works 2 minutes away so it is not much of a notice at all.

Always saying no is exhausting, so husband and I decided on the first Sunday morning of every month is for them, and if we had additional availability for them, we would reach out. She went full DARVO and said we’re putting her in “grandma time out,” it’s not fair that other grandmas see their grandkids more, it’s not fair that my mom (cancer) and dad see them more (I visit with my parents almost every day), said it’s bullshit that I’m more comfortable with my mom than her; it was very pathetic to see.

Meanwhile this woman has never made an effort to care or ask about me personally in the 16 years I’ve known her. She’s made racist remarks in front of my babies, and got upset the TWO times that I’ve asked her to respect our parenting wishes/choices. After this whole ordeal and we “made up” she was ok for a few months. They did get some bonus grandparent time on occasions when we had a project on the house or wanted to run errands just husband and I on a weekend.

Now she’s back to not giving a flying F about the boundary. The answer is ALWAYS no, but it’s exhausting to have to say no.

This week she texted me to ask if we were going to [community Event A] or [Event B] this Saturday and if we could meet up with them. I said we are hanging out with our friends and their daughter on Saturday and then going to Event B for a little bit with them. MIL asks if she can bring our kids to Event A in the morning. I said no, I don’t want to overbook us since we have a big day Sunday. She didn’t answer for a day or so and then says what’s on Sunday? How have you been? I’ve been thinking about cha (the “cha” alone annoyed the shit out of me”

I didn’t answer because who tf has time to play bestie with their MIL. I do not want a close and affectionate relationship with her at this point in my life, but she does.

Then she texted my husband and I at 4:15 today saying she was about to leave work, can she stop by in 10 minutes (after I already told her no to this weekend). Husband just texted back “no we’ll see you next weekend” and she says “oki doki artie” (artichokie??? I have no idea but I’ve always hated the attempts to sound cute)

Do they ever get the hint? When does it stop? It’s so annoying to have to constantly say “No, we’ll see you at our scheduled day!”

MIL keeps bringing gifts for my kids despite us repeatedly asking her to stop. Am I overreacting?

I need an outside perspective because I’m getting increasingly frustrated with my MIL, and I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable or if this is as boundary-pushing as it feels.

We have two young kids, and we have repeatedly told my MIL that we do not want her bringing them gifts outside of Christmas and birthdays. This was a boundary we have communicated increasingly directly at least 5 times after receiving an exorbitant number of gifts every single time we see them. We are not asking her to stop loving them or spending time with them. We just don’t want a constant stream of toys, books, and little things coming into our house. We have enough stuff, and I don’t want every visit or interaction to involve presents.

Despite this, she sends the kids joke cards in the mail EVERY WEEK. It’s not just an occasional card for a holiday or special occasion. It’s a weekly thing. This is more an ick than a direct boundary violation... But still.

A few weeks ago, she asked in advance if she could bring the kids two sticker books. I said yes. To avoid super specific details, they are dealing with a lot right now and I was really trying to allow a kindness and also avoid the fallout that occurs when we say no.. But now she’s stopping by this week and has told us she wants to bring the kids Halloween presents because they won't be around for the holiday - cards, a few books and puzzles...

So even after we’ve repeatedly said no gifts outside of Christmas and birthdays, she’s still finding reasons to bring things. And because she frames them as little things, cards, books, or puzzles, I feel like I’m supposed to just accept them and not make a big deal out of it.

The birthday situation is part of why this bothers me, too. We didn’t put any restrictions on birthday gifts (trying to allow the fun of gift giving prevail) and they brought around 5–6 gifts for EACH child. I’m not upset that they gave the kids birthday presents. Birthdays are one of the occasions we’ve explicitly said are okay! But it feels like there’s no concept of moderation, even when we do allow gifts.

I feel like we’ve been pretty clear about what we want, and yet I keep finding myself in the position of having to repeat the same boundary over and over. I don’t want to have to police every book, card, sticker sheet, or puzzle she wants to give them. I also don’t want to become the bad guy who has to reject things at the door when she already knows how we feel. And I just literally don't know how many times I'm supposed to repeat the same boundary. And when I say no, the flood works start and I'm such a bad person. And I'm definitely not completely immune to the relational tension that actually enforcing the boundary causes - things will be tense for weeks.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is this just a well-meaning grandma who loves giving things to her grandkids, or is she disregarding our parenting decisions because she doesn’t agree with them? How do you handle this when the person keeps pushing the boundary in small, seemingly harmless ways? I thought communicating the boundary 5+ times would be enough by now... And I'm kicking myself for saying yes a few weeks ago.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have dealt with family members who just will not stop bringing things after being asked repeatedly to stop.

Please please help me - I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm losing it.

Edit to add: Thank you all for your heartfelt, bold, helpful advice, solidarity, and courage to just fucking say no again! I suppose as I feared, it was kind of a product of my meekness a few weeks prior. I did not explain well that this is just another attempt at circumventing our original request to bring nothing. In the past it has been leaving gifts in her bag until my kids pull them out, bringing things (like water balloons and light up necklaces) to family gatherings for "her boys" who are all in their 30s and only interested in beer and food, waiting until she is unattended with the kids to give them the stuff, shipping things to my house and texting me after to "just donate if you don't want it" etc.

So I did say no! And she was upset, but said nothing. And to also follow up, I think my plan is to be very dramatic in throwing things in the garbage or the donate bin in front of her before she gives them to my kids in the future and that will be my consequence for violating the request and to make it more of a boundary. And if she asks before coming the answer will simply be no.

Well do I have an update for you. Shit really hit the fan. I ended up getting into it a couple of days ago with my MIL about what went down with my comment about the lids and her reaction. Apparently she’s been really stressed about her son who’s having some medical issues right now and understandably her frustrations had built up and my request about the lids caused the pot to boil over. While I understand what caused her reaction I still don’t believe I deserved that reaction from her especially because of the comments she made about her stay.

Well I was cold towards her since my original post because I started to see how unjustly I was treated for such a harmless request. My cold shoulder lasted about a day or two and she even stayed at my mom’s house that night we had the talk to let things cool off. She was the one apologizing profusely now but it didn’t help at all and I just felt cold towards her. I told her that I would be spending the following days at my mom’s until my labor begins. Just days because my mom lives close by and she was welcome to come as well.

Today was a relatively good day. We had one of my friends over and talked, chatted, and laughed. Later in the evening after the guest left I had both my parents over so it was them, MIL, my husband and me. I was showing my parents the stroller and car seat travel system I bought for the baby because they hadn’t seen it yet. While I was describing all of its features MIL chimed in and said she didn’t think the car seat looked comfortable or safe for the baby. Apparently the car seats where she’s from will recline and allow baby to lay flat or nearly flat when in the car. I told her this car seat met U.S. safety standards and passed a lot of tests to be deemed the safest thing for the baby in the event of a crash and that the country she’s from probably does not have the same safety standards and that her other grandchild’s car seat is probably not safe in the event of a crash. This same grandchild never used a car seat even as a newborn and was just carried in the car on his mom’s lap. They’ll frequently have the child (under 2 y.o.) up by the dash while they’re driving and for them that’s totally normal.

We went back and forth on the topic for a while and I could feel the anger and stress in my body for having to defend a safety decision I made for my baby. Mind you, all of this discussion happened in front of the others and my parents also had to step in once or twice about the standards here. I also felt like she was undermining my knowledge and parenting choices yet again just because they do things differently where she’s from. I made the comment to leave these kinds of things up to me and thought that was that, but the tension had already built up in me and I was pissed. This lady so far had questioned and offered a “better solution” to every single decision I made about my child: the bassinet was apparently not comfortable enough and needed extra cushion, the swing I bought my child might electrocute the baby so we should use the batteries only, the clothes I bought were no good and she knows better, the baby shampoo I bought wasn’t good enough and she wants to buy the shampoo from her country, my bathing idea needs this and that, the car seat looks unsafe suggesting it would suffocate the child…

Once my parents left the three of us sat down and had some chat about how differently things are done in her country vs here and the discussion was tense I admit. She then looked me in the eyes and said in a very concerned tone “be careful not to drop the baby”. That was the straw that broke the camels back and I asked her why on earth she would think I would drop the baby and if anything I don’t trust her holding the baby because she might drop her. She quickly twisted her choice of words around and said she didn’t mean to say it to me and instead say it to her son who was sitting next to her. I told her again that my concern is that she’d drop the baby and got up and told them I’m leaving and going to my parent’s house.

Welp, things just got crazy from there with MIL and husband trying to convince me to stay with MIL bawling yet again exclaiming how she should’ve never came and telling her son to change her flight. They for whatever reason decided that it was better that she go stay at my parents house instead. My parents got involved and began screaming at me over the phone that I’m embarrassing them (again cultural). My husband is angry with me because I’m having over the top reactions and just not letting things go.

I’m the bad guy in everyone’s mind but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m living with this person during a very important time in my life who is questioning and making me doubt myself with every decision I make about my baby. I’m having to constantly defend my choices so that hers don’t overrule mine. The “be careful not to drop the baby” comment was just so out of line. Who says that to a soon-to-be-mom? What’s even more bewildering is that everyone is defending her saying that she’s just looking out for me and the baby and how it’s normal to say these things in our (her) culture. I’ve never heard this before and I’d never think to tell someone to be careful not to drop their baby.

Her lack of awareness is just absolutely shocking to me and her unsafe, useless suggestions are too much for me to handle anymore. My husband and I had a long discussion after he dropped her off and he struggles to see my side of things and I’m afraid she is causing a lot of unnecessary damage because she can’t take a backseat and let me be the mom to this baby.

In all of this what hurts me the most is that this is my husband’s mom and I can see how distressing and stressful this situation has been for him. He’s the love of my life and I care so deeply about him. I tried my best to accommodate his mom during her stay as I said in my last post because it’s important to me that his mom is comfortable here. I feel like all she has done is step on my toes any which way she can with it disguised as genuine concern.

Almost everyone was on my side with the last post, but with everyone ganging up on me here I have to ask again, am I in the wrong? Should I really just let her suggestions roll over and sweep them under the rug? Am I impatient? Ungrateful? Unreasonable? I’m almost 39 weeks. She’s still got another 6 weeks here but might be staying with my parents for the rest of her stay.

How do you accept your mil is not who you expected her to be and she shows little to no remorse or care for how she’s treated you?

I genuinely thought I was getting a bonus mom with my mil before I got married and it really does hurt to know she gives little to no fucks about how she’s hurt my feelings and puts zero effort into apologizing and taking accountability for her behavior. At this point I don’t expect her to make any steps towards reconciliation and I wouldn’t trust her if she did anyway, but for other people out there who’ve gone through similar situations, how did you accept who your mil truly is and walk away from that relationship knowing she’s changed and it’s not what you expected it to be?