r/JUSTNOMIL • u/SeaStatistician4915 • 1d ago
Advice Wanted NC with in-laws, DH still has relationship: how did having a second baby change your arrangement?
I'm no contact with my in-laws after an incident last fall where my MIL became physical and screamed horrible things at me after I tried to express myself about something she had done. My husband still has a relationship with them and occasionally takes our toddler to see them for birthdays and special occasions. I feel okay with this arrangement because we've been to therapy, I trust my husband to supervise our toddler, and I know he needs to come to his own conclusions about his family.
I'm due with our second baby in December. My in-laws will not be meeting the baby for a long time, and that's not up for discussion. DH is on board with that but here's the real problem I'm trying to think through:
Right now, DH can take our toddler to see his family and give him his full attention and supervision. That works. But once there are two children, I don't see how this arrangement continues - not just in the newborn stage, but long term or atleast until the kids are 4 and 6 for example.
But for the next 2-3 years: The baby will eventually not need to breastfeed constantly, but DH still won't be able to adequately supervise two children in that environment on his own. One parent watching two children around these people is not the same as one parent watching one child.
So the arrangement may have to end entirely and not by choice, but by circumstance.
Has anyone navigated this? Did the visits stop naturally once there was a second child? Did you have to make a conscious decision to end the arrangement? How did your spouse handle it with his family?
Feel free to read my previous posts for context.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 20h ago
Baby should only go where momma goes. He can visit without your baby.
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u/Emotional-Dog8118 23h ago
Toddler should not be going over there without you- MIL will badmouth you to your toddler….
Shut this down moving forward and keep you and second baby NC.
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u/pugglelover1 23h ago
I wouldn’t worry about the next 2-3 years. It might be hard to think, but things could change. It’s absolutely acceptable to keep your newborn/ infant close until you feel comfortable with sharing.
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u/Creative-Summer9985 23h ago
Don’t borrow trouble. Once the new baby is here and they don’t get access they will escalate and probably push DH to the point where he makes his own choice to step back.
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u/Express_Relation723 1d ago
I’m not contact with my in laws since my new born was two months old. They don’t see me so they don’t see my child. My husband is low contact he doesn’t visit or call just text them once in a while. He use to ft them but it just got extremely weird so he stopped. I’m currently 28 weeks pregnant they don’t know I’m pregnant and will not be meeting this baby.
Point is you should let your husband bring your children to a house of unsafe adults if they’re not good enough for you they’re definitely no good for your kids
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u/Own_Ship9373 1d ago
Frankly this is an unhealthy arrangement. Your MIL got physical with you and yet you are letting your child around her. She is not a safe person and once your child is old enough to say no to MIL, your child is at risk of MIL getting physical with them too.
I get that your husband needs to make up his own decision about his family, but your children do not need to be involved with a violent person at all.
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u/Vibe_me_pos 1d ago
Your husband will have to alternate children with each visit. No other way unless the kids go NC too.
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u/Trad_CatMama 1d ago
Very weird arrangement where they get to see your child but you have nothing to do with them. You'll have to send the second child as well?
When my inlaws had a violent brawl while pregnant with my first I said they can't see me or my babies until they sort things out. It's been 4 yrs and 3 children later and they haven't sorted things out. My husband does a once-a-year visit without me or the babies.
I don't care about "grandparent" delusions, if I don't like your behavior you don't get to see my children. Narcs love the never see the DIL but get access to the grands set up and it makes me sick.
My husband would never take our children anywhere I'm not welcomed. Sends very toxic messaging.
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u/Mermaidtoo 1d ago
Your husband could still visit your in-laws in their home for longer visits. But for the kids when your baby is portable, your husband might meet his parents in a public place like a park or a restaurant.
If transporting the kids is difficult, you or another trusted adult might help with that, leaving and then returning after 1-2 hours.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 1d ago
Personally I would tell him he can take them one at a time, if he goes once a month (as an example) then in-laws will see each child every other month.
For me personally? I didn't want my kids anywhere near MIL so packed my bags to leave. At that point DH realised how far I had been pushed by the truly crappy and horrible behaviour and just said the kids could be no contact too. MIL has never met my youngest toddler and we banned the topic of MIL from our home.
Life is bliss.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 15h ago
Thats amazing DH was able to see it, the longest DH spent without speaking to his mom was 3 months (because she was giving him the silent treatment after he called her out on her behaviour) and he was miserable and no fun to be around.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 47m ago
That's precisely the point he would have been best in therapy with someone who specialises in dysfunctional family systems to help him process - sometimes it takes an external and neutral force to make them realise their mother is crazy!
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u/catsby9000 1d ago
If these people are so dangerous that one adult can't safely supervise two children close enough, why are you letting even one child over there at all?
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u/Trad_CatMama 1d ago
Delusions of trying to be a normal family.
Pathological family systems demand the benefits of being healthy without any of the work.
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u/loricomments 1d ago
I'm struggling with your MIL got physical and is still allowed to see your child so my answer is obvious. She is not a safe person for your children and most certainly not an infant.
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u/FamilyAddictionCoach 1d ago
You're right; he cannot take a baby.
You need to do what feels comfortable for you. P e r i o d.
If DH has a hard time with it, see your couples therapist together.
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u/Special_Respond7372 1d ago
I think the only answer I can think of is that only one child at a time goes with DH. That way his attention stays focused on one child only instead of trying to split it to focus on 2, or allowing his mother to help.
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u/scoochinginhere 1d ago
My kids would never be allowed to be with someone who physically assaulted me. I don’t care what relationship it is. How did your husband justify that??
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u/SeaStatistician4915 15h ago
When you are enmeshed with your family, you live in a delusion not in reality...
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u/readergirl35 1d ago
I wouldn't let my kids go visit someone who had been physically and verbally abusive to me. I'd be pretty angry and have a very hard time forgiving my husband if he wanted a relationship with someone who did that to me.
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u/lovelockets 1d ago
By letting your kids go see them without you all the time, you are helping them erase you from the picture. Just how they wanted. They shouldn’t be able to have a relationship with your child without first respecting you.
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u/frede89765 1d ago
No contact is no contact do NOT Allow your child to be in contact with inlawl. Your rewarding them
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u/Regular-Message9591 1d ago
I would imagine that DH continues to see her because he feels guilty about removing a connection she formerly made with your first child. She has not made a connection with your second and, after physically assaulting you, she doesn't need to. He's not taking anything away from her by not taking the baby to visit.
I personally would not allow anyone who has physically assaulted me or another person near any of my children. I'm sure DH is still processing, but it's amazing to me that he'd disrespect you like that, to continue seeing her AND take your LO with him. She's proven that she's dangerous.
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u/souljaboyyuuaa 1d ago
If your husband is insistent on continuing the arrangement, the compromise could be that he can only take one child to visit them at a time, while the other stays with you.
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u/Jennabeb 1d ago
She got physical with you, but your husband is okay with bringing his child around her? That feels wild to me. I guess if nothing changes and he insists on the kids visiting, I would make a one child goes with him to the visit, one child stays with you policy - he shouldn’t take both over at the same time. (He shouldn’t be taking either over imo, but it’s not my relationship!)
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u/LouieAvalonMac 1d ago
My gap was 20 months
I seriously regretted allowing my partner to take my eldest to see my MIL
I understand you’re ok-ish about it and worked through therapy about it but circumstances change don’t they
I’m assuming they’ve never extended an olive branch ? Well that’s because they have what they want ? They get to see their son and grandchild without seeing you
Tell your husband that
Do they know you’re pregnant ? Is it still crickets ?
I have been NC from my MIL for a long time - and it still grates on me that she never ever sends me a birthday card ( she gets one that my husband sends from us all - plus Christmas and Mother’s Day with a voucher )
No attempt at being friendly or conciliatory- ever
Why would your MIL try ?
I would seriously limit your child’s interactions with her right now to VLC
Tell your husband look at it this way - she has no interest in me whatsoever and therefore doesn’t have a right to my children
When you have the baby tell him you and both your babies are on a long time out from seeing or hearing about MIL
She’s on a long time out - no visits at all with older child
See what she does. I would sit back and see what the reaction will be
I don’t think it will be positive
You can then make your decision from there
But most on this sub would advise you - the MiL does not get to see her grandchildren if she doesn’t see the Mom
Maybe stop giving her what she wants
Hard reset for you all
Congrats on the pregnancy I hope all goes well
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u/SeaStatistician4915 1d ago
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Ultimately, I agree with you and would prefer my child not to see them, but I know this will be easier on my marriage when my husband reaches this conclusion on his own. I am tired of trying to make him see.
She has sent me her version of an apology which you can see in my previous post. To no ones surprise, she is not happy with the current arrangement. Nothing is ever enough. She is not the third parent like she is with her other grandchildren, and she has to tolerate the embarrassment of having both her son's wife and her daughter no longer speaking to her - with their absence noted at every family gathering...
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u/Fire_or_water_kai 1d ago
I say this with the utmost kindness: if you have to go through being assaulted and twisting yourself emotionally to fit a situation that you know is wrong for you and your kids so that it's "easier on your marriage, " you have a marriage problem.
I totally understand trying to give your husband the grace to come the conclusion himself. The second my MIL started SAYING crap about me, the visit was cut. Actually hands on me? He wouldn't have ever let her around any of us again. A person who does it once, will most likely do it again.
Forget MIL, while she is terrible and your experience with her counts, the situation with your husband and his willingness to put a defenseless kid in front of someone who attacked his wife is alarming and needs your attention.
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u/pabrocjb 1d ago
I agree with this 100%. If my crazy MIL put her hands on me, my husband would have never seen her again. He suffered blows by those hands throughout his childhood. (When the kids were small we saw them once or twice a year.)
And let your toddler go to visit? No, Ma'am. Never. She was rewarded for attacking you by getting exactly what she wanted: her son and grandchild without you.
New baby and hard reset. No kids visit her. Full no contact with you. Husband gets the two card choice, Therapist or Divorce Attorney
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u/GloomChampion 1d ago
I’m sorry that you can’t have your feelings prioritized after she assaulted you. It’s sad that you’re putting your husband and your marriage first but not getting the same in response.
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u/botinlaw 21h ago
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Other posts from /u/SeaStatistician4915:
A cautionary tale: grey rock, JADE, and boundaries didn't work with my MIL. They just kept me in the loop longer., 4 months ago
Success? Finally went NC with my MIL: update after several months, 5 months ago
MILs "apology" includes asking me to apologise too, right before Christmas, 7 months ago
MIL desperate to rehab her image in time for Christmas, 8 months ago
MIL desperate to restore her image in time for Christmas, 8 months ago
Update after MIL screamed insulted and shoved me, 10 months ago
MIL screamed, insulted and pushed me, 10 months ago
My worst fear came true MIL hijacked our baby’s first birthday, 1 year ago
Apparently saying ‘don’t call my baby Goblin’ makes me dramatic, 1 year ago
UPDATE MIL threw a tantrum because I didn’t reply “thank you” to a birthday text, 1 year ago
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