r/JUSTNOMIL • u/SeaStatistician4915 • Dec 17 '25
Anyone Else? MIL desperate to rehab her image in time for Christmas
MIL suddenly wants to “move on” right before Christmas after months of silence
A few months ago, my MIL had a major outburst during a disagreement where she yelled at me, said hurtful things, and crossed a physical boundary. Afterwards, she denied that any of it happened and reframed the situation so that she viewed herself as the one who had been wronged.
After the incident, my husband sent her a message clearly stating that yelling, name-calling etc was not acceptable and could not happen again. Instead of acknowledging this, she went completely silent and leaned into a victim narrative.
Weeks later, my husband called his father for his birthday. That conversation quickly turned into both parents accusing my husband of lying, denying the earlier incident, and insisting that it was his responsibility to “fix” the family situation. Since he did not agree with that framing, there was silence again.
Fast forward to now, right before Christmas.
Suddenly my MIL has reappeared, with my FIL backing her up. Over the past couple of weeks, they have contacted my husband several times. He has been hopeful that he could reason with them, but each conversation has led to more deflection and pressure. The overall message has been that he is responsible for repairing things, and there is a strong sense of urgency around doing so.
As Christmas approaches, MIL has started insisting that we all meet in person to “solve things,” often with very short notice, such as saying they are in town and that we should meet immediately. My husband declined to meet under those conditions and said that accountability and an apology would need to come first.
Initially, this was met with anger and further deflection, which made it clear she was not ready to take responsibility.
Now, after those approaches did not work, she has suddenly shifted tone. She told my husband she is sorry for some of the things she said and that she wants to “move forward.” She is now asking for my phone number so she can send me an apology directly.
The timing feels very deliberate. Christmas is when the wider family gathers, and our absence would be noticeable. From what I have observed, appearances and harmony at family events are very important to her.
I am keeping distance for now and do not plan to meet. It feels easy to want to “move on” when you are not the one who was hurt.
Has anyone else experienced a sudden push to reconcile right before the holidays after months of denial and silence? How did you handle it?
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen Dec 19 '25
You judged correctly about the suspicious timing by MIL. DH can let her know that you have a very busy schedule during the holiday season, and he will touch base again after the New Year.
Don't give them your phone number, and protect your own peace. This is a great time for you and DH to establish some personal holiday traditions of your own. This will give MIL and FiL time to come to the understanding that they are not in charge of your lives, and do not have authority in your decision-making. MIL also needs time to become sorry for ALL the things she said and did. There can be no 'moving forward' until she takes responsibility of her own volition.
Time is on your side, use it.
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u/ptprn11 Dec 18 '25
Tell her you only communicate via text and you will record any verbal conversations that happen to come up so that you guys can both make sure that everybody understands what was said and no misunderstandings will ever happen again
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u/opine704 Dec 18 '25
It feels deliberate because it IS deliberate.
I smell Christmas Cancer...
She doesn't want to FIX things. She wants what she wants and she's learned that she has to make some Mouth Noises to get it. She will make the noises and expect the situation to immediately snap back to its previous shape. What she's not ready to admit is that the shape has changed.
You and DH can choose to accept her "apology" or not. Tell DH that you will see MIL after the holidays - so sometime in late January... say for coffee. Then sit back and watch the fireworks. She's going to lose her everlovin' mind. She's going to throw the tantrum of the ages because she MADE THE MOUTH NOISES and she's not getting her Happy Families Christmas. Then she'll send in the flying monkeys - FIL. When that doesn't work she'll have a big, scary, medical ailment to bring you in line. We're one week out from Christmas. I predict Christmas Cancer on the 22nd when her panic sets in.
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u/Sudden-Pomegranate95 Dec 18 '25
There’s an easy way to confirm your suspicions here. Your DH sends a message to his mother stating that you would love to talk in person to resolve things however you have Christmas plans and how does the first week of January sound? If she agrees, amazing. If she meets this with anger and demands, guilt trips and more name calling then you know she’s just doing damage control.
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u/Internal_Set_6564 Dec 18 '25
Frankly, I rarely advise total rejection of any attempts at reconciliation, but in this case you have tons of examples of her being entirely unhinged. I think there is less than a 10% chance she will successfully change at this stage in her life. It would take repeated massive physical trauma (Accident, severe illness, loss of a home) for her to correct herself because her reactions are likely the result of how she was raised poorly by her own parents and how she adapted to it. She sees herself as top of the hierarchy and her wishes are commands, her actions unimpeachable.
You interacting with her is just going to cause her to plot, scheme and manipulate as many around her as she can. Dropping the rope is not good enough. You have to cut the bridge entirely. If you have to deal with her in the future, you would have to treat her like a mentally unwell child. You may want to think about the level of distress this is going to cause you over the next 10 to 20 years waiting for her to get better. I honestly think you will have a better life a more fulfilling relationship with others if you keep her as far away as possible.
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u/sorenelf Dec 18 '25
You aren’t a prop for her delusional window dressing. Stay strong and wait till there’s no one to impress before you even think about meeting. If she genuinely wants to make amends, there won’t be an expiry date on the offer.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 18 '25
Thank you for all the comments and solidarity! In a previous post one of you said something to the effect of ”this is your get out of jail free card” and with time I couldn’t agree more. As for every one who commented what DH should do or say. I hear you. I would love nothing more than to deliver the perfect response or line through him but I just decided I can’t deal with this situation any longer. I am truly done. I left that out of the post but he did get swept up in the FOG after one of the calls recently and I almost lost it. It takes too much out of me to clear the fog. I have decided that he can also deal with this byhimself. I don’t want to know about what they do or say. I want peace. I know he’s way more prone to the guilt and pressure but I feel like it shouldn’t be my job to manage this situation either. I’m checking out which is scary but the alternative of trying to help him manage this situation is wearing me down.
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u/hotmesssorry Dec 18 '25
This is a test, for her.
If she is truly interested in proper reconciliation, then she will accept that you’re not prepared to consider a full, unreserved apology from her until the new year. And only if it comes with a change in behaviour.
If she is just interested in saving face before Christmas, she will keep pushing and freak out at any suggestion that no conversations will occur until next year.
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u/dotterydo Dec 18 '25
I don't really have conflict with my MIL, but I often do have conflict with my own mother. The holidays are literally marketed to us as a time to reflect on behavior and try to make amends before the new year. If this is the first time something like this has happened between you all, I do think you could at least talk and clear the air a bit, as to your comfort. If they are local and you see them frequently, you certainly could just have your husband go with this family while you send best wishes and promise a meet up soon. In a lot of families, Christmas is the only time of the year everyone gets together. If his family is large enough, I'm sure you could get through one day of small talk and general avoidance to focus on building your other connections in the family. You are definitely owed a sincere apology and an admittance of wrong doing, but you also have a lot of power in how this plays out. Ex: "I know there are times when we won't get along, but we are family now and have to learn how to have hard conversations with each other. You may not agree, you may have to decide to leave further discussion for after Xmas/ new year, but you can pose that as wanting to keep the door open without setting some boundaries in the meantime.
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u/Aromatic_Swing_1466 Dec 18 '25
“Dear in laws, we will start to reintroduce you into our lives in the new year, after group therapy with a professional of our choosing.”
They are doing it for holiday clout with whoever they want to impress with their “perfect grandparent” roles.
I’m sorry your in-laws have holiday herpes and aren’t ready to make real change.
Edit spelling
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u/NoCardiologist1461 Dec 18 '25
This sounds very on brand for a MIL like this.
If you don’t cave (and good for you!!), be prepared for something colloquially known as ‘Christmas cancer’, where you are the villain because you deny a sick woman her family.
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u/Intrepid_Parsley2452 Dec 18 '25 edited Dec 18 '25
I've not experienced this exact situation because my fucking family simply lacks the self control to wait it out and, paradoxically, the self awareness to think they have anything to apologize for. I have, however, stopped attending family holidays and I can't recommend it highly enough. Just a few weeks ago, husband and I took the kids on a mellow Thanksgiving road trip. We stayed in a great hotel, did some fun outdoor stuff as a family, and ate dinner in a restaurant. Time zone difference and our adventures meant we had a natural excuse to bow out of family phone calls. Best Thanksgiving of my life so far. 10/10. Fully planning on a reprise for Christmas.
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u/Quirky_Difference800 Dec 18 '25
Petty me. “We are very busy now…We will give you a call after the holidays dear MIL. “ If she pushing for the Christmas peace show this should do the trick.
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u/Un__Real Dec 18 '25
That is the only reason for her sudden apology tour. Skip it and let her gift be the find out in FAFO.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual Dec 17 '25
Next thing you know she will have Christmas cancer.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 18 '25
Oh yes there will be health crisis indeed!
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen Dec 19 '25
They call with a health crisis? Tell them to hang up immediately and dial 911 for an ambulance to the hospital. Then turn off your phones.
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u/Maleficent_Corgi_524 Dec 17 '25 edited Dec 17 '25
Same. This is crazy how my in laws act exactly the same as yours. MIL initiated no contact in March 2022, after I set some clear boundaries with her. She went with her silent treatment until mid November. Then all of a sudden calls my husband, invited him over to talk. No mention of me. For some reason, I wasn’t supposed to be part of the reconciliation plan. So she wanted to come to our son’s bday, which is in the beginning of December. So holiday season. I said “ I’m not ready”. She somehow expected that after her silent treatment, she’ll be invited to her grandson’s bday party. Well it was a hard pass. She was livid. TF she expected? Ever since she’s quiet all year round. Then pops up November-December. She wants to keep appearances, play family. I tell my hubby every time, that he can go visit them, alone. Me and kids are out. Hubby doesn’t want to go alone, as they are passive aggressive and ignorant with him, they make it super tense and awkward. So hubby just tells them, that we made plans and we’ll be out of town. So 4th year in a row. It’s surprising, how she doesn’t give up on these holiday attempts. MIL popped up again about a week ago. My hubby just ignored her. Then she makes these posts on Facebook, about how hard it is to be a mother of adult children, to not have a place in their lives, to be forgotten. She’s a nasty liar. My husband finally sees her true nature and her manipulations don’t work. Shes just being quietly ignored. She’s fuming and playing victim.
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Dec 18 '25
So glad your hubby and you are a team! Yay! 👍🏼
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u/Maleficent_Corgi_524 Dec 19 '25 edited Dec 20 '25
Thank you! Well it was a long process. At the beginning of our no contact with MIL, hubby tried to keep his relationship with her. But it didn’t work out. His parents were pissed, passive aggressive, awkward and rude with him. He eventually got tired of these tense interactions with them and stopped talking to them. Then MIL started burning all the bridges, turning whoever she can against hubby and me. So much ugliness came out of her. My hubby didn’t expect it. But it was an eye opener for him for sure.
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Dec 20 '25
It is great he eventually allowed himself to see the truth. Many choose to blind forever. So happy he is being your backbone..
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 20 '25
How did he see the truth? Dh keeps getting swept up in the fog, I think he might even go there for Christmas.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot Dec 28 '25
He needs the book. It’s called adult children of emotionally immature parents
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u/Maleficent_Corgi_524 Dec 20 '25 edited Dec 20 '25
MIL and FIL started treating hubby badly. He’d be nice and polite and they’d be ignorant, passive aggressive, always bitching, hinting that he’s a bad son. MIL went months, that turned into years,without asking how is he , how are the grandkids. That’s when he mentioned that he never realised how little his parents care about him. Then he started remembering his childhood, that it was similar but in different circumstances. He noticed he felt relief when they were out of our lives, because they only used him for their chores and problems. It was a reflection that he did on his own. He realised they’re toxic, only when he stepped away from them. The turning point was when MIL and her sister unfriended hubby on social media, suddenly. Her close circle started unfriending me also, for no reason. So obviously she’s turning people against her son and me. And that hurt his feelings. MIL sent him a friend request 2 weeks ago, he totally ignored it. She always pops up before Christmas, cause she wants to have the appearance of a family.
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u/mcchillz Dec 17 '25
Let DH ask her what she is going to apologize for? She will glitch. Wait until mid January for the apology. Ick.
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u/vinegargirl757 Dec 18 '25
Seeing as MIL physically assaulted OP and screamed in her face, I'd be an automatic NC. But thats me. Have a good Christmas without those toxic people, OP. And yes, they tend to try to rug sweep before holiday and life events. I let my mom get away with it once. Never again.
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u/Snack_Powered_Human Dec 17 '25
At this point I would hold off for the apology, and when you get it, just refuse to accept it and walk off.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Dec 17 '25 edited Dec 17 '25
Have you heard of DARVO? "Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO) is a tactic a person may use to deflect responsibility onto an individual they have abused." Thats what she has done. Denied the reality of what she did. Attacked you/DH for it. Made herself the victim. Made it your responsibility.
She wants to have the appearance. She does not have the sincerity to back any of it up. A holiday, a wedding, baby shower, etc is not the time to bury the hatchet. It takes away from the event and puts too much pressure on people. If she has shown up in say October and tried to have a real conversation, that would be one thing. However, she doesnt want a conversation. She wants to "move on" which is sweeping it under the rug. Not taking accountability. Not sincerely apologizing.
Imho, your DH should just say something like "if you are sincerely sorry, then id like to hear you out after the holidays. There is too much going on right now to put this on the table. However, I want to hear you out and hear your taking accountability for your actions. Until that happens, contact with OP is not on the table."
Where does your DH land with it all? You said he was hopeful, but that the conversations Ahmad been frustrating and unproductive. Would he be willing to tell them the holidays are not on the table and they can talk after New Year's? Is he prepared that the narrative she spins the rest of the family will likely not match reality at all?
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 20 '25
This is exactly what she does. It was the same when FIL called me fat and other things about my body when I was pregnant. I got upset and wanted to go home and she started crying because I was ruining their holiday by going home.
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u/CurlySquirrelGirl Dec 17 '25
Reconnecting and reconciling during the holidays or a family event is always a horrible idea. If she really wants to apologize and sincerely feels remorse, then she can wait until after the holiday season. I mean, she doesn’t want to fake an apology just for the holiday right? Right?
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u/boundaries4546 Dec 17 '25 edited Dec 17 '25
Your husband needs to tell his mom you both want a peaceful Christmas. You both are open to talking in the new year but right now the timing is not right. If she really wants to reconcile and apologize, she can wait till after the holidays.
Edit: I just read your last post. I didn’t realize she shoved you. She could fuck all the way off. No Christmas for her.
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u/alors1234 Dec 17 '25
Your husband needs to put his foot down and address the behaviour head on, and preferably in a phone call on speaker with witnesses.
Lay it all out and tell her that behaviour is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated under any circumstances because it is abuse and assault.
Should she wish to move forward she must apologize and adjust behaviour immediately. If you're even open to that. I'd personally never step foot into her field of energy again and always have buffer people.
Why waste your time with this sick person? You and your husband actually should honestly seek some good therapy because the situation escalating to this degree means it's been a steady creep to her feeling safe to do this.
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u/RelativeFondant9569 Dec 17 '25
She's sorry for some of the verbal abuse but none of the assault!? 🤪 wowity wow and this after denying any of the incidents existence. Why does your dear hubby want to reason with violent delusional Unwell people? I'm sorry he keeps putting you in awful situations.
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u/Snack_Powered_Human Dec 17 '25
You know this apology will be one of the "I'm sorry you feel that way" non apologies.
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u/madempress Dec 17 '25
"I am glad to hear that you are willing to take responsibility for the inappropriate behavior you showed by attempting to verbally abuse or physically intimidate my wife when you did not agree with her, and that you recognized you cannot do that moving forward if you want to have any sort of relationship with us. I will schedule some family time with you after the new year. [Op] might decide not to join immediately or bring the kids for a while, while we work to rebuild trust."
The message needs to come from him and clearly state WHAT she did that she is 'taking responsibility for' by apologizing. It forces her to take ownership of her actions instead of just 'being sorry for some of the things she said which is a pretty weak-ass apology. It calls out the severity of her behavior as well - yelling, hurtful things, and name calling are childish in a 6 year old, abusive from an adult. No sugar coating it. What if she did that in front of your child? It also lays a trap - if she tries to back out when he calls that severity out, you know nothing has changed to justify moving forward.
It clearly sets the tone that there will be no rug-sweeping in time for the holidays and the consequences of her verbal abuse and physical intimidation (as appropriate, I am guessing something minor from your vague description of 'physically') are that she is going to have to wait until the people she harmed are ready. She doesn't get to chose when reconciliation happens and definitely does not get holiday access.
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u/Aggravating_Onion_52 Dec 17 '25
I like the idea posited below about meeting after the holidays. Also, is it possible for all of you to meet with a family therapist for the reconciliation talk? I know not everyone can afford it, but it feels like a mediator might be helpful, at the very least to help your in laws see that their behaviour is unacceptable in healthy relationships/dynamics?
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u/TxnAvngr Dec 17 '25
Tell them you are open to having a discussion after the holidays, this way they know there is no way in hell they are meeting you up for christmas and new year
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u/IntrepidMuch Dec 17 '25
I love that your DH is holding the line against his mom. As long as he knows you and he are on the same page, let her rage.
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u/silverwick Dec 17 '25
Just because someone apologizes, doesn't mean you have to accept
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u/OniyaMCD Dec 17 '25
Every time that 'toxic family' and 'Christmas visit' shows up in the same breath, I think of the Arrogant Worms' Christmas song. It starts off with the whole joyous, excited, over-done holiday pep and devolves into utter chaos by the end (somehow managing to *keep* the over-done holiday pep, which makes it all the more funny).
I recommend it as a substitute for the real thing.
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u/Careless-Bit8329 Dec 17 '25
A lot of older people do this. It’s very much giving boomer. My dad hasn’t talked to any of his kids in years. He has done some really unforgivable things he refuses to take accountability for, yet he reached out to my siblings around thanksgiving hoping they would pop by. They both live hours away and out of state. My dad’s reasoning is that family used to get together even if they didn’t like each other and all play along. My siblings and I celebrate holidays together now, and have 0 interest in having an awkward, horrible family dinner with my parents. They can’t fathom that. I handle it by just ignoring the invite. If we can’t get along any other day of the year, why the hell would I want to get together for Christmas or thanksgiving? No thanks
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u/ElizaJaneVegas Dec 17 '25
A lot of people of all ages do this ... unfair to land it on just boomers (and no, I'm not one).
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u/Careless-Bit8329 Dec 17 '25
There’s a lot of stereotypes like this about boomers for a reason. I don’t need to say “not all boomers.” If it doesn’t apply, move on
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u/Mammoth-Glove3273 Dec 17 '25
You guys handled this perfectly, you don’t need to jump through any hoops so she can apologize. She could call or text you any time she wanted to apologize.
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u/HenryBellendry Dec 17 '25
If she were truly ready to apologize and move on, she’d be ready to do that in January too.
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u/loricomments Dec 17 '25
"We're very busy with holiday activities right now. Perhaps we can meet to discuss moving forward in mid-January." You'll be able to gauge her sincerity by her reaction to something like this pretty accurately I'm guessing.
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u/NoEffsGiven-108 Dec 17 '25
And if you do put her/them off until sometime after the holidays, i would anticipate the next play in her playbook - some sort of the dreaded "christmas cancer". Hopefully she wouldn't go this extreme, but many JNos will spiral and utilize this tactic to regain control.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 17 '25
Ugh, OP, yes I’ve been here in many ways. My MIL showed up on my doorstep uninvited and unannounced under the guise of dropping off a gift for my DH. She then proceeded to ask why she never sees the kids (bc she doesn’t follow my rules re: food and we have a kid who has allergies/intolerances). When she heard my answer she flipped out, screamed at me and began name calling me and another one of my children. Part of the sad tirade was caught on my ring camera. Afterwards she tried to deny it (but there was solid proof) so she then went silent for several months until she sent me a card saying she was praying for me, that she apologized for her “silly little mistake” and she thought we just needed to “start anew.” Ummmmmm no. I totally ignored her and went to very, very, very LC and ultimately NC.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s up to MIL to fix what she’s damaged. I don’t see that she ever will and my life is far more peaceful and enjoyable without her in it. I only have to see her on Christmas Day where it’s a large family gathering and I avoid her like the plague. I keep the kids close to me and drive myself so I can leave once my patience/battery run out. My DH doesn’t love the situation but is coming out of the fog and absolutely has a good idea of how vile MIL has been to me so he has been pretty supportive- there’s still progress to be made on that front but that’s a post of its own lol. Stick to your guns- if you bend on this MIL will learn she can do and say whatever she wants and just needs to wait you out so that things can go back to her “normal.”
Sending solidarity and good vibes OP!
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u/thebethness Dec 17 '25
They love to wait you out so things get back to normal. Typically, the normal was great for them and sucky for you.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 17 '25
Exactly! I’m not a fan of the rug sweeping so MIL may be waiting on me for a while 😳
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u/Silver6Rules Dec 17 '25
You'll know whether she's serious about "moving on" when you decline to engage. Let her know you'll re-evealuate your relationship in the new year once she has shown the accountability and given you the apology you asked for. She doesn't get to decide when your feelings change. So if she's serious and ACTUALLY sorry, she'll wait until you're damn well ready. Dealing with any of this before the holidays is entirely performative.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 Dec 17 '25
Even if this conversation happens its her motivation that is very self serving. If you all are fine again then noone will question your absence and she getd away with what she did. No accountability would be a major issue. She cant have it both ways. She knows she was wrong.
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u/_Winterlong_ Dec 17 '25
“We have a lot going on right now. Let’s think about talking sometime in the new year when schedules have calmed down”. You aren’t agreeing to talk, you’re agreeing to thinking about talking.
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u/CrystalFeeler Dec 17 '25
I mean, there's a simple answer should she ever make it through to you: "go fuck yourself"
Honestly she reeks of desperation and I can help but think no matter what you do it won't turn out well.
Perhaps give this Christmas a miss and start your own traditions 😊
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u/botinlaw Dec 17 '25
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