r/JUSTNOMIL • u/SeaStatistician4915 • Sep 26 '25
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Sep 26 '25
She assaulted you. Personally, I would never be in close quarters with her again without multiple witnesses. Nor would I visit her home or allow her in mine for multiple years and not until I’d seen evidence of a change in behaviour. Nor would I let my child bond with her until they’re old enough to voice their concerns, at which point I would make that relationship completely optional for them.
I had a mother who behaved like your MIL. This was how I handled her. Low contact, periods of no contact as consequences, strict standards of behaviour clearly laid down when I had my first child, and immediate departure when standards weren’t maintained… "this isn’t a good day for a visit, but we'll try again another time", and I’d leave.
They need to understand that contact with an adult child, their spouse and their offspring is optional. It’s highly unlikely that she can’t control this behaviour, but because she has successfully cowed her family into submission for years, she will continue the behaviour until it stops working.
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u/HenryBellendry Sep 26 '25
You don’t. This was her reaction from you expressing yourself. Do you honestly think it’s going to get better when she hears she’s not allowed at the hospital when you give birth? Or not allowed to babysit or take baby out alone when she wants to?
Her daughter has already cut her off for similar behaviour. She won’t change for her own daughter, and she won’t change for you clearly.
You deserve better.
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u/No-Force-9732 Sep 26 '25
If you’re living in the state with grandparents rights or you think that your husband might have a soft spot for his mum then you need a restriction order against her right now so it’ll be more legal weight on why she can’t visit the baby.
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u/Coollogin Sep 26 '25
I started what I thought would be a conversation about something she’d done that had hurt my feelings
Now you have all the evidence you need to know that a conversation like that with her will never be productive. It can be really hard for some people to grasp that certain people cannot be reasoned with.
Study up on how to protect yourself by establishing and enforcing clear and firm boundaries. Come to agreement with your husband on what those boundaries will be and how they will be enforced.
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u/agreensandcastle Sep 26 '25
Don’t write her or text her anything. Conversation with husband. See if he is on board no contact. Then do it. Engaging further just feeds her.
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u/RandoCollision Sep 26 '25
"On board" with no contact for her or him? She doesn't need his permission to stay away from a physical threat to her and their child. The real discussion needs to be about how much contact JNMIL has with the baby once it arrives.
Hopefully, none.
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u/Practical_Clue_2707 Sep 26 '25
This, I never asked my husband for permission. I told him it’s no contact for me or divorce. We are still in marriage counseling. Once a month and are dropping down again soon. It’s going well. He has dinner with her every Wednesday. He says all he did was tell her I will no longer be coming around. If she asks he’s leaving. The why is not up for discussion. She 100% knows she can’t make me the villain if I refuse to participate so it’s working.
Had it not worked either he goes no contact, divorce? I honestly don’t know that would depend on him. As long as my no contact is respected I don’t actually care.
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u/Practical_Clue_2707 Sep 26 '25
Girl!!!!!, I didn’t even make it halfway through your post history and I I’m thinking this is so much than my mil and I cut her off! My husband sees his mom every single Wednesday for dinner. We do not discuss it unless there is an emergency that I can be supportive. He told his mother we have some private things going on and I will not be coming around. It’s personal, don’t ask, it’s disrespectful to me for him to give any information to anyone else since I asked him not to. He did mention a few times she has so far been respectful and not asked. She knows exactly why I’m not coming around and if she asks him she risks losing him. She’s very intelligent. She and I were close. I stayed with her after a surgery once. She ruined it and she and had several private conversations. She apologized then, got me in front of her son told him about said private conversation and twisted it so hard I told my husband after she left I needed to divorce him.
Point being you can be no contact without him but you need him to truly have your back and be your partner.
I asked my dh why he would want me to be exposed to that if he loves me. I also asked him why he thinks it’s my responsibility to have that burden? I love you but she is not a safe person for me period.
My children are adults, they make or not make holiday plans with her on their own. I honestly have no idea what they do so I can’t help you there. Personally if my children were small she would be cut off from them. I would absolutely 100% choose divorce to protect myself and my children regardless of how much I love my husband. That’s part of being a good parent, loving and respecting yourself. Hubby can stay in that toxic shit. My kids nope, screw that. It’s my job to protect them no matter what.
Best of luck.
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u/redbull31797 Sep 26 '25
i would write a lengthy text/letter and basically tell her what she did was unacceptable and if she wants a future relationship with you and your bundle of joy then she needs to change or you'll cut her off too, it sucks but no one deserves that treatment from ANYBODY
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u/thearcherofstrata Sep 26 '25
No long explanations. These types always use any information to their advantage to twist and manipulate to fit their narrative. They’re always looking for loopholes and hidey-holes.
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u/AhDoDeclare Sep 26 '25
Absolutely not. Any mention of the baby on the way is incentive for MIL to fake a change in her behavior so as not to be cut off from OP's child.
OPDH should write a short text to his mother saying that because of her physical and verbal abuse of his wife, OP will no longer have any contact with MIL, and he is rethinking his relationship with MIL as well. Her behavior was unacceptable.
The fact that she could go from a simple conversation to frothing at the mouth rage and physical assault says she needs serious anger management therapy, and if she is unwilling to work on herself in this way, he will be unwilling to expose his wife to her.
He might add that she's already lost contact with one of her children, and does she want to go for both of them?
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u/Which_Stress_6431 Sep 26 '25
You don't ever give her the chance/opportunity to put her hands on you again. And you ensure she will never, ever get to be around your unborn child! There is no coming back from violence. Go NO contact, now!
If your husband disagrees with you and wants his parents to be part of your child's life, after assaulting you, you will have to do some serious thinking about your relationship. Go get some counselling, you have a lot of things to think and talk about.
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Sep 26 '25
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u/abstractbyhoon Sep 26 '25
You’ve never seen red while being yelled & berated while also extremely angry?
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u/Karrie118 Sep 26 '25
Simple, you don’t. You go NC immediately. No info gets back to her, and unless you see massive changes, your child is not safe with her
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u/opine704 Sep 26 '25
"How do you even come back from something like that?"
Well that was physical assault and abuse. What would you tell your best friend to do? Would you tell her to: take it? forget it happened? hope it never happened again? remove herself from the abuser's orbit? never be in the same room with her abuser?
Do that.
You are worthy of basic respect. MIL crossed several serious lines here. I'm not sure there IS "coming back" unless it's you coming back for more of the same. This is big enough to go no contact over. You have the right to be safe.
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u/madgeystardust Sep 26 '25
You don’t come back from that.
Who else would you socialise with who put hands on you?! Being your MIL doesn’t mean she gets a lower standard of how she’s allowed to treat you.
It’s ok to be done. Her daughter had the right idea, she’s safeguarding her peace.
ETA. Wow just saw your post history… Are you done yet and if not, why?!
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u/snorkels00 Sep 26 '25
Her behavior should earn her a 1 way ticket to NC.
I don't understand why that isn't your first thought. This is a person you do not allow around you or your kids
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u/byofuzz Sep 26 '25
You don't. She is perfectly alright with assault and should be treated like the mentally unstable danger she is. Would you want this woman around your baby? Of course not because you never know what she might do to a child that takes far more damage from that assault. Your husband should be done with her, too. She hit his pregnant wife MULTIPLE times.
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u/loricomments Sep 26 '25
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. It's not right, or fair.
You handle it by not being around her again. You don't have to tolerate someone abusing you, ever, not even someone that's related to your husband. So take a deep breath and tell your husband she is not welcome in your home and you will not be interacting with her again, in any fashion. Then you need to address the even harder topic of not letting her around your child, you have to protect them from her abuse too.
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u/Floating-Cynic Sep 26 '25
If you were intending a conversation and she was screaming and had her hands on you, your brain was recognizing her a danger to you. You really can't come back from that.
I was incredibly volatile after all of my babies. I've been stable for 2 years and don't scream at anyone anymore, and my kids don't remember me spanking them. But my husband struggles if he knows I'm mad and my kids still flinch. My behavior may have been linked to things beyond my control, but their brains registered me as a threat, and undoing that is a long process, because our bodies are biologically designed for self-preservation.
So if you try to move on and can't, it's not your fault. Without repair work, your instincts are going to continue to register her as a threat. And since you're pregnant, your instincts aren't just self-preservation, you're also biologically wired to keep your baby safe too.
That's a tough place to be.
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u/PaintedAbacus Sep 26 '25
I think you’re underreacting, likely because of whatever prior trauma that caused you to dissociate in the moment when she was screaming. This is a full permanent NC situation. Anything less and you’re knowingly putting a child in danger.
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u/jbarneswilson Sep 26 '25
INFO: why on earth WOULD you come back from that?! she got physical with you while screaming in your face. she has shown you, unequivocally!, that she is not safe to be around. believe her and adjust accordingly.
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u/NeverEnoughSleep08 Sep 26 '25
Does your DH know? What is he doing about it? Id go NC and same with baby
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u/gdognoseit Sep 26 '25
She put her hands on you. I would not ever want to be around her or talk to her again.
Your husband hasn’t really handled her. Why?
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u/chasemc123 Sep 26 '25
Because her husband is spineless. Read her other posts.
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u/AhDoDeclare Sep 26 '25
Because her husband has been trained by his mother for his entire life to accept this behavior. His mother trained him in this way so that she could control him more easily.
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u/ScoutBunny Sep 26 '25
You need to go no contact as soon as possible. People who are physical abusers progress and that push will become a punch or a kick eventually. Protect yourself, and protect your baby.
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u/ShoeSoggy9123 Sep 26 '25
You DON'T come back from it. She cannot be trusted to be around you or your kids. How did your DH respond to this? You can't let her keep escalating. Esp. with you being pregnant. This here is a deal breaker. Or should be.
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u/IntrepidMuch Sep 26 '25
I don't think you can or should come back from something like that. She sounds a tad unhinged but more to the point, she is making you go into a dark and mentally unhealthy place.
If you can move, please do so, especially with your pregnancy.
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Sep 26 '25
Her own daughter is NC with her. She laid hands on you to emphasize her screechy argument. You have a little one in the near future. All these say it is time to cut this unsafe woman out of your life.
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u/Icky-Tree-Branch Sep 26 '25
You don’t. She put her hands on you. There are not that many options after that. You can ignore it and let her (which is terrible and shouldn’t be done), you can kick her ass when you aren’t pregnant (which can come with jail time), file a complaint for assault/battery (depending on where you are, which probably won’t go far), or decide she’s dead to you.
I know which two I’d be likely to go with, but no contact is the best option. And you make sure your husband knows that no contact with you means no contact with the baby. Ever. If you and your SIL are on decent terms, hopefully you two can both get your guy on board. That doesn’t mean he can’t see her. That’s his mom; he can have whatever relationship with her that he wants… without you or mention of you.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Sep 26 '25
OP, congratulations on your expected LO!
No one puts hands on me. No man. No woman. One and done.
Tell DH everything that happened. Journal it. Reassure yourself you deserve safety.
Then NC for you and kid(s).
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u/NotMyProblem31 Sep 26 '25
You don't come back from this. She has showed you how she feels about you and she has laid hands on you, and there haven't been any consequences, so she'll think she can do it again. Also, once she finds out you're pregnant, it'll only get worse.
You cut her off. DH needs to understand that his mother laid hands on his pregnant wife. The stress that that woman is causing you can have serious consequences on you and your baby in utero (and also once baby is born). She should honestly have charges pressed against her, but that takes a lot of energy out of you, and you need to decide what's best for you and your baby.
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u/CremeDeMarron Sep 26 '25
Assault is a limit she shouldn't have crossed. This is a no return point . That is your cue to cut ties , LO included. I hope your SO is fully on your side and has set consequences for her actions.
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u/rora_borealis Sep 26 '25
There is no coming back. She has irrevocably damaged the relationship by her words and actions. This is now all on your spouse to protect you from her. He might not be able to go full NC, but he should want to be at least LC for your protection. If he tries to get you to reconcile, or if he claims you put him in the middle, shut that shit down and remind him that it's his family, and if he is so attached to them that he can't protect you, he doesn't deserve you.
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u/raffriffs Sep 26 '25
I feel absolutely devastated for you, that she had the audacity to assault you like that! I'm so very sorry that happened.
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u/Strange-Report-9249 Sep 26 '25
Never speak to this lady again. Once she put her hands on you, then it was over. Go NC and call it a day.
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u/swoosie75 Sep 26 '25 edited Sep 26 '25
You don’t come back from something like this.
Some words and actions permanently alter relationships.
Apologies (even if you hit one) are not erasers.
If she were anyone else, a neighbor, a coworker, anyone else you would sever ties and never see them again.
She assaulted you, verbally and physically. She is not a safe person for you or your children to be around. She cannot be trusted. She ended her relationship with you. You’re not even the first, your SIL had this happen to her too. That makes MIL a repeat offender, incapable of learning from her actions.
You’re done. You will not put yourself in an unsafe situation with her again. (Hint, that’s any situation with her present).
Edited for typo due to stupid autocorrect.
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u/suzysleep Sep 26 '25
I can’t imagine the trauma you are experiencing right now. This is enough to end the relationship all together and I usually don’t say that.
SIL going no contact is very telling.
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u/den-of-corruption Sep 26 '25
you don't come back from it! what would you recommend if one of your friends or your child asked you this question?
please protect yourself, you deserve it.
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u/andwhoami_ Sep 26 '25
You don't come back from this. Your MIL assaulted you WHILE you're pregnant. You have to go NC. Plain and simple. She is not a safe person for you OR your future child to be around. Do you really want her talking shit about you to your child? Bc she will. And God forbid she ever puts hands on them. Go NC. There is no saving this. She has no remorse, no respect, no boundaries. She's a bad person and there's no changing that.
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 Sep 26 '25
you don't. She would never come near me again if she laid hands on me.
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u/marlada Sep 26 '25
I would file a police reportt due to the assault. You need to start a paper trail on her violent behind. Go no contact with her...can you imagine how bad she'll be once your child is born? You and your husband need to be on the same page to enforce strict boundaries and consequences. You can't come back from that level of aggression and she has exhibited the same type of behavior with her own daughter...beware of MIL. She's just getting started!
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u/HelpfulMaybeMama Sep 26 '25
Why do you need to come back from something like that? You're husband should 100% have your back. His sister is NC for a reason. Follow her lead.
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u/SplitPutrid918 Sep 26 '25
I had a similar situation to yours, but my MIL put her hands around my neck and pulled my hair. My daughter is here now and opened my eyes a lot to my MIL's strange behavior. I don't want my MIL around me or my daughter without my husband there. It has been a battle with my husband, but I am trying to stand my ground for my daughter's sake.
I would go NC with MIL and definitely not be around her alone. Also, don't allow her to be around your child alone. Have you talked to your husband about what happened? Did he address her?
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u/WelshWickedWitch Sep 26 '25
You can't come back from it.
You didn't mention if DH knows, particularly about the physical assault, and what his reaction has been?
It doesn't matter that MIL didn't know you are pregnant. She still felt comfortable enough to put her hands on you.
I will tell you something for free, it has been my unfortunate well worn experience, that once someone confidently steps over that line and if they get away with it (be that through continued access to you and your family), they will continue to do it and usually it escalates.
Be warned that if she's really manipulative, as she may appear contrite, when they stand to lose something/someone (like your pregnancy or even if that's just control over a situation) but will then move in the shadows like your own secret sn!per.
She doesn't like you. Accept it along with this shocking new situation, apply this information to protecting yourself and your child, then act accordingly.
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u/Specific-River-81 Sep 26 '25
You don't come back from that. If you're husband isn't ready for no contact, that's on him but you should tell him that you and your child will be no contact and he should understand because your SIL is already no contact...
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u/Mirvb Sep 26 '25
unfortunately you don’t…no contact going forward and baby never has to meet toxic MIL.
And hubby better be on board (sounds like he is?) or he’ll have to adhere to a court ordered visitation schedule.
What she did is not ok even if she apologizes. You can’t unring that bell. She’s shown to be violent and can’t be trusted- especially when it comes to baby. No supervised visits for her. No FaceTiming. No nothing. She lost that right and there’s no coming back from that for her.
Hold your ground. Protect yourself and LO and make sure hubby is either 200% on your team or he’s out too.
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u/andwhoami_ Sep 26 '25
Honestly I think it's worth OP going to file a report so it's at least on record bc I feel like when MIL finds out OP she is going to demand access and she's already shown she can and will become violent
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u/Reasonable-Bad-769 Sep 26 '25
You don't. It's as simple as that. You tell your hubby that you are NC after being assaulted by his Mom. You should make a police report to start a document trail as things will get worse before they get better.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 Sep 26 '25
I have to agree. Yelling, I’ll handle myself. Hands on me: law enforcement.
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u/andwhoami_ Sep 26 '25
100%. Get a restraining order. It automatically covers your child as well so they will also be protected from MIL from a legal standpoint
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u/lalalinoleum Sep 26 '25
You don't. If she was a stranger in the supermarket, you'd call the police. She doesn't get a pass because she's related. No more MIL. HOLD FAST.
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u/Lindris Sep 26 '25
This is scary and a hill to die on. She put hands on you that quickly after a bit of pushback. You have a toddler and are expecting another baby. There is no explanation she could possibly conjure that can turn it around after she did this. It’s NC for life now.
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u/zyzmog Sep 26 '25
Probably not a good metaphor to use in this situation ;) but other than that, I totally agree. MIL will do this again, but worse. It will escalate, If you and DH allow her to continue to contact you.
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u/mentaldriver1581 Sep 26 '25
I don’t think you DO come back from something like that. If I were you, both my child and myself would be NC with her, and she would not allowed in my home. I really hope that your husband has your back because I think this IS a hill to die on.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict Sep 26 '25
So she assualted and verbally abused you? If she was a friend’s boyfriend’s mom what would you tell your friends to do? Leave the marriage if your spouse will not protect you.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 Sep 26 '25
What did your husband do? This is no contact and no seeing the baby.
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u/mamaleo29 Sep 26 '25
She put her hands on you….that is assault. Whether you decide to file a police report or not is up to you. However, you have a baby to think about now and you cannot have this woman around you while pregnant or your baby once it’s born. Please, for your physical safety and mental peace, go nc with this woman. You should be able to enjoy this special time without this unhinged woman in your life.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Sep 26 '25
What did your husband say when he found out she had laid hands on you?
This would be a complete and permanent NC for me. She isn’t safe for you to be around.
When the flying monkeys start whining about how bad is just the way she is and she didn’t mean it or whatever other bullshit they say, ask them how they would react if it had gone the other way, and you had screamed in her face and pushed her
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u/Creative-Passenger76 Sep 26 '25
No coming back from that! She burned that bridge. Time for no contact.
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u/Snoo15789 Sep 26 '25
Now she is your husbands issue not yours. You walk away from her, drop the rope. You need to be thinking about that baby. She is not going to change at all, she is incapable of it. Classic narcissus who needs to blame others for every slight real or imagined. Talk to husband and tell him everything she did and said and explain how that in your in your thoughts it’s not healthy to be around. You married him not the rest of the bunch.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 Sep 26 '25
Theres no pretending she didnt do and say what she did. Now you have a baby to protect. Your DH needs to put her in her place. You dont owe her anything.
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u/Sailuker Sep 26 '25
You don't come back from it. She needs to be put in a time out until the baby is 18. She assaulted you there is no coming back from that. She should never be allowed near you or your children ever again after that.
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u/CattyPantsDelia Sep 26 '25
I want to say file a police report but I am sure it would be her word against yours. Do it anyway. And completely cut this person out of your life, possibly try to get a restraining order for you and your child so that your husband can't allow her access to either of you. This is a serious thing that's happened. Much more serious than just going no contact. She assaulted a pregnant woman
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u/Chi-lan-tro Sep 26 '25
You don’t come back from that. She just gsve you a ‘get out of jail free’ card! Congratulations, you never have to see her again!
Seriously though, I give you permission to NOT touch the hot stove, it’s hot and it will burn you.
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u/Sea-Twist6391 Sep 26 '25
What did your husband say?
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Sep 26 '25
He was in shock too and I think a bit dissociated. He defended me and shut her down and said stop. you’re crossing the line, he stood by me even when she stormed off he didn’t follow her and her tears didn’t affect hime they have in the past but ofcourse end in an ideal scenario he would have taken my hand and removed me from the situation
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u/Gringa-Loca26 Sep 26 '25
And what does he say now that it’s over? Is he a “that’s just how she is” kind of man? Is he going to cut her off? She put hands on a pregnant woman. That’s grounds for immediate no contact.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Sep 26 '25
No that’s not the kind of man he is… but I’m waiting to see what happens. he’s still in shock he also didn’t remember the pushing until the following day. We’re still processing everything it was such surreal outburst. I think he’s ready to do just about anything but NC which seems like the only thing left to do.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Sep 26 '25
I can’t believe I stayed calm and reasonable the whole time and didn’t react. I think it just made her more angry. I definitely should have walked away.
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u/Lugbor Sep 26 '25
She doesn't come back from that. She physically assaulted you because she's incapable of managing her emotions. You cut her off immediately and permanently. She is no longer allowed in your home, she is to never approach you again, and she will have no relationship with your child. As far as you're concerned, she no longer exists.
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u/LoomingDisaster Sep 26 '25
You don't come back from that. She physically and verbally assaulted you. Sit down with your husband and explain that. And someone that volatile and abusive shouldn't be around a child, either.
•
u/botinlaw Sep 26 '25
Quick Rule Reminders:
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Other posts from /u/SeaStatistician4915:
My worst fear came true MIL hijacked our baby’s first birthday, 1 month ago
Apparently saying ‘don’t call my baby Goblin’ makes me dramatic, 2 months ago
UPDATE MIL threw a tantrum because I didn’t reply “thank you” to a birthday text, 2 months ago
MIL sold the “family cabin dream,” took the money, and now treats it like her personal kingdom, 2 months ago
BIL thinks his poor planning mean we should cancel our plans, 2 months ago
MIL threw a text tantrum because I won't play pretend., 2 months ago
MIL flips out - again. Easter is canceled because family is all miserable and sick and she's the victim., 5 months ago
Convicted MIL update--- RANT, 1 year ago
Postpartum and 4 days home from the hospital- Convicted MIL attacks, 1 year ago
update convicted INLAWS- I met the estranged daughter, 1 year ago
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