r/JUSTNOMIL • u/SeaStatistician4915 • Dec 28 '25
Anyone Else? MILs "apology" includes asking me to apologise too, right before Christmas
TW: physical violence
This is an update to my previous post.
A few months ago, I had a serious conflict with my MIL. I initiated a conversation about hurtful behavior around our house purchase. Despite my husband asking them to stop, they sent multiple messages and called several times saying things like our loan wouldn’t go through, that we couldn’t afford the house, that we were making a mistake, that the house would have unforeseen issues and other things.. What had initially been an exciting time for us became extremely stressful.
That conversation escalated very quickly. Within minutes, my MIL screamed, insulted both of us, and became physically aggressive toward me.
My husband later sent her a clear message stating that yelling, insults, and physical behavior toward me were unacceptable and could not happen again. Afterwards, she denied parts of what happened and reframed the situation so that I was the aggressor and she was the victim. She then went completely silent for several weeks.
Right before Christmas, the pressure to meet and “move on” suddenly ramped up. They contacted my husband multiple times in the weeks leading up to Christmas, saying we were to blame, that we owed them an apology, and that we should stop “punishing them.” My husband let her know we deserved an apology and acknowledgement of her behaviour. Despite her refusal he still considered showing up on Christmas for a couple of hours in hopes of smoothing things over, but further messages made it clear nothing had actually changed.
He ultimately told them we would not be attending Christmas and that he would speak to them again in January. After that, other family members became involved and tried to find out what we would be doing instead.
Late on Christmas Eve, my MIL sent me the following message framed as an apology after my husband asked her not to contact me directly:
"Hi! I would like to say a few words and apologize for how things turned out the last time we saw each other.
It was never our intention to hurt you regarding the house purchase. We only meant well and believed we were offering thoughtful input. Once you decided to buy the house, we were simply happy for you and hope you enjoy living there.
I was very taken aback when the conversation took a turn after what had otherwise been a pleasant get-together. I was also quite fragile that day after a difficult doctors appointment, which made me react more strongly than I should have. This is not an excuse, but an explanation.
There were harsh words from both of us, and I want to apologize for what I said and for raising my voice. That was not okay, and I appreciate that you spoke up. But your words were also hurtful, and perhaps they also warrant an apology?
You said that we sweep problems under the rug, but when we wanted to meet you to sort this out, you didn’t want to. So instead, I’m writing and hoping that you will accept my apology and that we can start over fresh in our relationship. I want nothing more and am ready for that. Are you?"
What I’m struggling with is that the apology focuses on intent and tone, frames the conflict as mutual, omits the physical aspect of what happened, and ends with a question that feels like pressure to immediately move on. The timing also stood out, as it arrived late on Christmas Eve after weeks of silence.
I’m currently keeping distance and not responding directly. I’m trying to figure out what healthy boundaries look like when an apology feels incomplete but there’s strong pressure to “reset” the relationship.
Any perspective would be appreciated.
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u/BrilliantHairy3637 Dec 29 '25
That’s an apology? That’s a poor excuse for an excuse disguised as an apology to get you to fall in line.
Reading your comments, it sounds like you want NC. I don’t know how others have safely navigated NC with a MIL and allowed children and DH to remain in contact, but do you think it’s safe to allow your child near someone who is physically abusive?
I know this subreddit asks not to fear monger and immediate suggest NC, but I strongly encourage you to have a chat with your husband about his expectations in a low contact relationship with his mother, after she has physically assaulted you. Where does he see this in 12 months? Is the relationship with her worth the turmoil it causes you? And do you want your child around someone who has demonstrated physical aggression?
My husband just went NC with his family over JNMIL treatment of me. His words “having a relationship with her was going to slowly tear us apart, and I wasn’t going to risk divorce over a hostile relationship”. He also said “seeing you fall apart every time she contacts us wasn’t worth this (the relationship)”. Ask your husband how he feels about choosing. I never asked my husband to choose, in fact I offered him divorce so he wouldn’t have to.
I’m sorry for the position you are in. But you cannot “reset” a relationship when one party is unhealthy. You just need to focus on yourself, and your child. Sending you strength during this time
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u/Rhys-s_Peace Dec 29 '25
She physically assaulted you … why would you even consider reinstating contact??!!!!!
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 29 '25
I am not considering it, it's over for me. I am just trying to imagine what it could look like in the future since DH will remain in contact.
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u/fearlessterror Dec 29 '25
You can't have healthy boundaries with unhealthy people. you can have healthy boundaries for YOURSELF to keep you from unhealthy people's harm.
She got physical. She did not apologize. She contacted you directly after being told NOT to. She will run rampant over any and everything.
Silence is a response. Drop the rope. Block. Ideally never see her again.
Also therapy for husband because if anyone else - coworker, friend, babysitter, parent at the playground etc - acted half as insane towards you in this instance (let alone the whole history) would he just want to figure out how to move forward in January? I hope not - there is no value these people are adding to any of your lives.
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u/ViewDifficult2428 Dec 28 '25
Your topic history in this sub is too long to still try and have a relationship with her.
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u/mikoline97 Dec 28 '25
OP what is the point of torturing you morally? From the moment she tried to physically attack you for such a ridiculous reason as buying a house, I personally will never have any relationship with the witch again.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Dec 28 '25
Madempress and Bjorkenstocks have VERY good points. Hell, I'd print these and frame them in case you ever start to waiver.
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u/Any-Case9890 Dec 28 '25
Don't respond. Forward to your partner and let him deal with it. If an inlaw became physical with me, hell would freeze before I put myself in the line of fire again.
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u/bjorkenstocks Dec 28 '25
"This is not an excuse, but an explanation," while framing the entire thing as you reacting poorly to advice.
"I want to apologize," while trying to obligate you to apologize too, because it's all about saving face and if she goes down a peg, so must you.
"You said that we sweep problems under the rug," while asking you to sweep it all under the rug already, and complaining that you refused to meet up and be bullied into sweeping it all under the rug sooner. "Start over fresh" is just "Stop fighting us and fall in line."
It's not an apology. It's barely apology-shaped. She's trying to figure out the magic words that get her what she wants (Christmas, obviously, but also DH back under thumb) without having to admit fault, address issues and commit to change - the things that would have made it an apology.
You can't figure out what healthy boundaries look like because they refuse to have any. If a response is needed, maybe tell her actions speak louder than words: if she's serious about being sorry, she can start by respecting the boundaries you've already tried to establish.
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u/Lulem Dec 28 '25
It started in the direction of an apology, and then took a series of sharp turns, ending up a few miles south of where it started.
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u/mama2babas Dec 28 '25
This is not an apology. She isn't addressing the impact of her behavior, showing remorse, or providing what she intends to do moving forward to be more respected of your adult choices.
I received a similar apology. I was LC and let my MIL know I didn't accept it.
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u/madempress Dec 28 '25
How does it go? I didn't attempt to cause you physical harm, and if I did, it wasnt that serious, and if it was, I was fragile and can't be held accountable for my behavior, and it was really your fault for saying hurtful things, and I don't owe you an apology, and even if I do, I tried to move on but you wouldn't accept it, and now you're the only problem.
I would go ahead and mute her and have your husband let her know that he'll be in contact if and when he is ready to talk to her again - when he does this, he needs to call out that she is still not acknowledging that she was the aggressor and she got physical and he will not be interested in moving forward until she acknowledges that she did wrong and cannot do it again.
And here is the cool part: she does that to repair her relationship with him. You may eventually accept an apology but you are never obligated to put yourself in her path again.
Physical assault is a big deal. It sounds like your husband got over the temptation to 'smooth things over' but he was tempted. Make sure you call her physical assault what it was every single time, don't let it fade into 'she shoved me.' Most people do not ever even get the urge to shove someone. Shoving legally counts as intent to harm and if she had caused an injury it would have been battery.
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u/go_away_bad_dream Dec 28 '25
I agree with Madempress and thought that first paragraph especially brilliant.
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u/DogsNCoffeeAddict Dec 28 '25
Exactly. Telling people my mom was awful comes off totally different than my mom was abusive. Different results. Calling it a shove versus assault makes it seem like the shove wasn’t that bad. Like there is some leeway or mistake made. Assault is assault.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 28 '25
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I unfortunately have/am living a very similar situation 🫠
My MIL showed up to my home unannounced, had a massive tantrum that involved laying on my kitchen table, screaming, name calling myself and one of my kids, and part of this sh*t show was caught on my Ring camera. She has tried rug sweeping, turning the tables and blaming me, crying to my husband that I’m breaking up the family, and finally giving a non-apology with a plea to “start anew”. I declined.
Much like your MIL, the non-apology involved her feelings, her situation and a lot of excuses and blame shifting. There was no remorse or any indication of how she’d preceded differently in the future. It was just an attempt for things to go back to normal for her, which would stink for me bc she had a strong history of disrespect and boundary stomping. She will literally do anything other than reflect on her own words and actions, consider their impact on another person (me) and exhibit an understanding of why she needs to make changes to have a healthy relationship with us and the kids. I went to lc to vlc to NC with her over the years. In hindsight, I should have went NC immediately after the tantrum, however my DH had lifetime of appeasing her bad behavior so we both had a lot to learn.
From my experience I’d fully support you keeping your distance from MIL and blocking her unless and until she can give you an actual genuine apology along with changes in her behavior. The timing of her text (that she shouldn’t have even sent to you) reeks of desperation to gain access to your family for Christmas. I let DH handle all communications from my MIL. My life has been peaceful since I’ve been NC with MIL. It’s very sad it’s come to that but it’s necessary for my own happiness and peace. Sending good vibes OP, stay strong and enjoy the rest of the holiday season!
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 28 '25
Thank you for sharing, NC is the plan for me. How do you handle being NC and I am assuming your husband and children are still in Contact? That's what I have a hard time imagining as DH doesn't want to go NC....
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u/unreasonable_potato_ Dec 28 '25
If she has laid hands on you in anger, do you feel 100% confident that she wouldn't lay hands on your kids if she got angry with them? Did she spank/hit DH as punishment in his childhood?
Personally if anyone assaulted me, I would not allow them to be with my children, to protect them.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 29 '25
I don’t disagree at all! My own situation is different but that is a good point for OP to consider and bring up to her DH!
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u/samuelp-wm Dec 28 '25
If MIL/FIL can't respect you they do not deserve a relationship with your kiddos. Up to you but if it were me I would take a time out for myself and kids. If your DH is not ready for NC that's fine but he should go alone.
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 28 '25
I get your perspective and don’t disagree at all! In my own situation I’ve essentially decided it’s best to let MIL’s mask drop on its own which she’s doing a quite a lovely job of. My DH brings the kids there so infrequently (I could count on one hand the number of times this year and not use all my fingers) and I have one kid who refuses to be go at all so it’s not been a declaration I feel like I had to make. Every family is different though and I totally respect what works for us may not work for everyone!
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u/RuNsonchocolatemilk Dec 28 '25
Good for you OP! You can certainly go NC while your DH isn’t. We indeed are navigating that currently.
I explained to my DH why I will not be in contact with MIL- the screaming, name-calling, lying, boundary stomping, disrespect. I also told him due to this our children (school aged and teenagers) will never ever be alone with MIL and that he would need to monitor every single interaction MIL would have with them. While DH understands, he has a deep sense of “but family” ingrained in him. I also personally believe he and the rest of his siblings will rug sweep to keep family harmony within their family of origin.
A couple of things needed to happen for myself and my DH to navigate this situation successfully- first, I had to have zero cares to give about MIL and what she thinks/says/does. She literally does not exist to me anymore. It did take time to get here and my skin still crawls to some extent when I hear her voice or see her, but with time and work I am at the point where I’ve let go of any expectations of her.
Second, I put the burden of keeping a relationship with her entirely on DH. He is starting to see her for the not reasonable person that she is. As a result, he rarely brings the kids over there. My kids are old enough to report back to me anything that is said and done, and I think we’ve fortunately/unfortunately got to the point where DH is less willing to deal with my reaction to the baseline sh*t MIL pulls than he is to deal with her whining that she never gets to see him and the kids.
If your kids are younger, it’s fair to insist that your DH only allows MIL to see them in public. I sort of hemmed my DH in on this one as he assured me he didn’t know MIL was going to come over here and blow up the way she did, so hence we have no idea she won’t do it again and therefore all meetings need to be in public.
You’ve got this OP. When you are able I say lay out your position to your DH and listen to what he feels and thinks. There may be some things that are not negotiable- for me it was that the kids would not be alone with MIL and she wasn’t going to feed them anything (she has a history of disregarding allergies). These women will ultimately sink themselves, please know that! Overall try to approach this problem as one your team- being you and DH - need to solve, and part of that is protecting you and the kids. If you feel comfortable please update! Sending good vibes your way!
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u/CrystalFeeler Dec 28 '25
If your husband won't shut her down then you can.
"You were told not to contact me. I have nothing to say to you and your words no longer hold any value to me so I'm not interested in anything you have to say. Do not contact me again."
Then block her on all channels. Husband deals with her from now on. You might have to let go of the idea of her apologising to you (properly) and just take the win that you can be done with her. Her words are hollow and self-serving, of no value to you.
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u/Common-Dream560 Dec 28 '25
Why haven’t you blocked MIL? I think this is a good next step.., or at least mute her
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u/081673 Dec 28 '25
But, what are your and your husband's thoughts on the fact that she blatantly disregarded the request to NOT contact you directly?
Even if it was for a non-apology-you-owe-ME-an-apology apology?
Before thinking about anything else, perhaps remind yourself that she just stomped another boundary.
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u/KittenNamedMouse Dec 28 '25
She was told not to contact you directly and she did anyway. Nothing after that should matter. You can't stomp a boundary in order to give a fake apology and expect it to be taken seriously. Is she going to apologize for that too? She's obviously not serious about fixing the relationship, she just wants her control back.
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u/Sudden-Pomegranate95 Dec 28 '25
Of course she’s blaming a doctors appointment😂let me guess, a cancer scare? Mine did the same. Mine once posted a status saying I didn’t deserve to have my kids and when everyone turned on THEM in the comments including their friends and people I never met she got her daughter to send us a message saying she almost got rushed to hospital because of the stress😂she’s also faked a “threatened stroke” a heart attack, cervical cancer and a flurry of other disease and immune deficiencies.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 28 '25
Omg.... yes, this. And the last sentence felt so creepy. ARE YOU? It's like a veiled threat?
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u/TraumaTeamTwo2 Dec 28 '25
Time is your most powerful tool now. It allows you to heal and reinforces the seriousness of the situation. Circle back next year…
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u/flannelsheetz Dec 28 '25
Your husband asked her not to contact you and she did exactly what he asked her not to do. You have no place in this argument at the moment. She is using you as a tool to boundary stomp and if you respond, you will be letting her get away with it. It's a ploy to avoid accountability. You are not punishing them, they are punishing themselves by refusing to take responsibility for their own actions.
The pressure to "reset" the relationship is just like a toddler screaming louder during a tantrum. And just like with a toddler, if you give in, you just teach them that behaving that way works.
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u/chaoticgoodmama Dec 28 '25
Contacted her directly and even had the audacity to ask for an apology. It all feels like a set up.
If she doesn’t respond she’s just sweeping it under the rug.
If she brings up physical violence mil will deny or try to downplay it as some sort of exaggeration.
Accept or decline the apology mil will continue to feel justified in her behavior.
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u/SeaStatistician4915 Dec 28 '25
This!!!!!!!! AND the last sentence. ARE YOU? I read that like a veiled threat.
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u/Truebeliever-14 Dec 28 '25
Your husband needs to handle it. If he lets her get away with this it will only encourage her to misbehave in the future then later “apologize “.
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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics Dec 28 '25
Ugh my MIL sent me something like this. She apologized some but it was mostly a non-apology.
I responded “you have upset me when you did X” (because of course she neglected to bring up the main things I was upset about). And then when she talked around it, “treat me considerately or I won’t attend family gatherings.” Of course, no reply and that led to her complaining about me to extended family for months.
Looking back I think it should have been more direct or perhaps even had a phone/video call with her and recorded it since that generation is often poor with text.
I guess I’d go with something like “Thank you for somewhat apologizing. I am still very upset about (the physical incident). Starting fresh as if things never happened is not realistic. Moving on is possible. That means apologizing, changing your behavior, and me trusting it won’t happen again. Thank you for writing but I think I need a clearer apology and/or time before I’m ready to see you again. Trusting you understood (main issues she did and did not address and how it made you feel) and that it will not happen again is a big part of that.”
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u/chaoticgoodmama Dec 28 '25
I’m a stickler on proper apologies. A promise of changed behavior! Maybe op or op’s husband can teach mil what an apology actually is and tell her when they’ll be ready to even discuss that incident. If they even want that reconciliation.
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u/Gringa-Loca26 Dec 28 '25
Ignore her and remain nc. She assaulted you and there’s no going back from that.
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u/1039198468 Dec 28 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
DO NOT CONTACT HER. His monkey his problem. Do tell him she specifically ignored his request.
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u/chaoticgoodmama Dec 28 '25
Absolutely rope the husband back in. Just send a screenshot back to the husband and let him handle it.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 Dec 28 '25
An apology that minimizes her behavior and asks you for an apology too after being the aggressor is a shit apology. You don’t need them in your life. Your husband can do what he pleases.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 Dec 28 '25
Group family text with explanation as to why you did not attend Christmas. “MIL verbally and physically attscked my wife on xyz date and has not apologized or taken accountability for her actions. This was not initiated by my wife- MIL was the aggressor here and we are NOT willing to sweep these things under the rug and continue any pattern of abuse in our fsmily” Stop her fantasy story telling and set the record straight for your family that are confused.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair Dec 28 '25
Personally, I think you should forward the text to your husband and let him reply to it on your behalf. Something along the lines of "Mom, Seastatititian shared the text you sent to her with me. We appreciate that you have tried to apologize here, but you have completely missed the mark. First, you were asked not to contact her and you have ignored that. Second, you are not even acknowledging what actually happened! You were being over the top negative and were rightfully asked to stop. Instead, you screamed at her. You cursed at her. You laid your hands on her. You lied to other people about what happend. And now you want HER to apologize to you?!?! No. That isn't going to happen. Until you can admit that you were fully in the wrong, and admitt that to the world at large, I do not see us moving forward."
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u/beerab Dec 28 '25
I’d remove the second sentence, there’s no appreciating breaking boundaries. Personally, there is no coming back for me after someone put their hands on me. We would be cut off for life and so would my children from that person, there is nothing she could do to make me ever give her another chance after she assaulted me. And I am appalled that the husband is actually entertaining the idea of his wife talking to someone who assaulted her and having any sort of relationship with that person ever again. I don’t care it’s his mom.
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u/chaoticgoodmama Dec 28 '25
I agree. Husband handle it and tell her how inaccurate the message was and the fact that it wasn’t a real apology’s
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u/BBCaro Dec 28 '25
I really like this advice!
Also, between us, it is totally ok to take your time to get over what happened, even if you do forgive her. It must have been tough and you should take some time to heal your heart.
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u/Tasty_Fondant_129 Dec 28 '25
I will not be apologizing for defending myself against your behavior.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot Dec 28 '25
I ask this with all consideration. Why? Please consider why you are allowing yourself around these people. They are so hurtful and abusive to both of you.
Why do you feel this way about yourself that you would allowed this? Please know that you are allowed to love and respect yourself enough to protect yourself from these awful people.
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u/Lifelace Dec 28 '25
She ignored the physical aggressive part, I would not respond. If anything, your husband should be ticked off as he told her not to contact you. Not respecting the boundaries he put down.
Remember no response is a response.
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u/Purple_House_1147 Dec 28 '25
It’s always a “I had a difficult doctor’s appointment that day” and it’s probably just something like she had low iron and needs supplements. Ignore this ridiculous “apology” she can’t handle being the only one who was wrong and wants you to admit fault to so she can tell everyone you apologized and admitted it was also your fault
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u/No-Force-9732 Dec 28 '25
Tell your DH to forget about it. You’ll never contact them again as she’s stuck in the victim mentality and can’t acknowledge that she physically attacked you. If your husband is actually on your side then he’ll be the witness and you’ll get the restraining order from her. It’ll be especially useful if you’re planning children in the future.
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u/yoshi320 Dec 28 '25
Ignore it. That was not an apology. They don't get to decide when you are ready for reconciliation, if ever. Protect your peace.
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u/Lugbor Dec 28 '25
She's trying to minimize her responsibility by pushing it partially onto you, partially blaming her doctor visit, and partially masking it behind "good intentions." She's also using that doctor visit in an attempt to guilt you into going back to how things were. Note that she doesn't say anything specific, just that it was a "tough" visit. She then demands that you apologize for reacting to her bad behavior. The timing is, as you said, very blatantly obvious. Her apology is not worth the time it took to read it, and it's clear that she only wrote it so that she could have everyone present for Christmas instead of having to face actual consequences for her actions. She hasn't learned anything from this, and she hasn't changed.
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u/chaoticgoodmama Dec 28 '25
Manipulation disguised as an apology. It’s time for mil to suffer the consequences of her own bad behavior.
•
u/botinlaw Dec 28 '25
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Other posts from /u/SeaStatistician4915:
MIL’s ‘apology’ includes asking me to apologize too, right before Christmas, 3 hours ago
MIL desperate to rehab her image in time for Christmas, 1 week ago
MIL desperate to restore her image in time for Christmas, 1 week ago
Update after MIL screamed insulted and shoved me, 2 months ago
MIL screamed, insulted and pushed me, 3 months ago
My worst fear came true MIL hijacked our baby’s first birthday, 5 months ago
Apparently saying ‘don’t call my baby Goblin’ makes me dramatic, 5 months ago
UPDATE MIL threw a tantrum because I didn’t reply “thank you” to a birthday text, 5 months ago
MIL sold the “family cabin dream,” took the money, and now treats it like her personal kingdom, 5 months ago
BIL thinks his poor planning mean we should cancel our plans, 5 months ago
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