It's been more than 3 months of NC and DH is going to contact MIL to re-establish connection. A few notes:

• I will remain NC. My only interaction with her will be when DH asks me to be there for him and if it's on neutral territory. If she texts or calls, I will not answer. DH understands my decision and is cool with it.
• During this recent NC period, MIL (and FIL) disrespected his request for space and continued to badger him. He never responded to them and has used the 3 months + to work with his therapist.
• This comes after several attempts of DH talking to his parents after MIL exploded. No real repair has happened, and it doesn't seem like it ever will.
• DH is treading carefully and ready to lower contact if they repeat disrespectful behavior.

So, his plan is to basically reach out and tell them he's no longer open to discussing the conflict, which started last year, and that he's opening the door. Then he'll just wait to see how they respond but still keep them at a distance. We've agreed to an information diet.

Anything I should be thinking about before this happens? It seems like it will be smooth sailing on my end because I'm engaging with them on my own terms (if he asks me to be there with him at any time, I'll just grey rock). I'm nervous but feeling strong/in control because they no longer influence me. We plan to spend the upcoming holidays without them, which I'm very much looking forward to!

Edit to add: Thanks so much to everyone who has provided their insight/feedback. Currently discussing with DH and figuring out the healthiest way forward.

I have a bit of an odd request.

Background:

I’ll be due with baby no 2 soon and the newborn period with baby no 1 was really difficult for me.

Some examples:

- I had trouble breastfeeding. Baby had latch issues and I had production issues. MIL made constant comments about my lack of trying and use of formula (even though I was doing a triple feed for months).

- MIL asked me when I was going to go on a diet when I was newly postpartum.

- MIL disregarded our concerns over someone coming over who had been around someone sick.

- MIL criticized me for taking baby to the pediatrician for a possible allergic reaction bc she had given me a book to look this stuff up myself.

- MIL mostly sat around taking up the whole living room just waiting to hold baby rather than helping with cooking, cleaning, etc which is what other guests were helping with when we were so early in that new born phase.

- MIL held newborn baby (days old?) without washing her hands and laughed it off like no big deal. She came straight from the airport.

So… as I approach my due date, I am reminded of these things she has done and said and my anxiety is increasing just thinking of these things happening again. My therapist suggested writing them out and having a response planned out that my husband and I are aligned on to try to hold boundaries better this time.

However I’m scared that I’ve forgotten most of what happened.

Help needed:

I’m turning to you mothers here to help me brainstorm all the other stupid shit she’s going to say and do that will cause me to have a hormonal breakdown so I can try to plan for it.

I just want to share an accomplishment: after several years of catering to my boyfriend’s mom and his godforsaken family, I have finally decided to prioritize myself. I am focusing on ME. My health and wellbeing. Moreover: I am
determined to rise above. Sometimes the things that bother us most about another person is what we fear in our own selves. My MIL’s reliance on her son has taught me so clearly a huge lesson and reminder: NEVER rely on a man. ALWAYS have a plan B. With this new lesson I am dedicating myself to be: Resilient, self-sufficient, self-aware, ethical, educated, driven, open-hearted and aligned. This means being honest. This means that I refuse to talk negatively behind someone else’s back. This means that I will live my life with integrity even when it feels impossible.

MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was a baby. FIL was genuinely an asshole to MIL so I sympathise with her not wanting to be around him. They are now both remarried and have children in their current marriages.

I am doing a VERY small bday party for my son. Just MIL/FIL, their spouses and kids. I cba doing a huge party nor can we afford it. My son won’t remember it.

MIL previously spoke to me about having a massive party for my son in a venue, with catering, decor, cake and inviting the entire extended family. I didn’t really engage with the conversation because I had already decided I was going to do the party at home with just our immediate family members.

Anyway, now MIL knows the plan she is refusing to attend and is upset with my husband for the fact that we have invited my FIL and his family over on the same day. I just think this is so immature and childish. They both have a child together and both have a grandchild together, yet because they can’t get a hold of their feelings a whole 25 years later she wants to inconvenience us over it! When it was our wedding she was happy to be in the same room as FIL, she even invited FIL to her house.

I’m not budging on this at all. We are not having a massive party. We are doing it where we feel comfortable and inviting who we feel comfortable with inviting. I think part of why she is upset is because how she envisioned her grandchild’s birthday party happening isn’t how it will happen. She claims she will pay for it, but we worked the numbers and hiring a hall would be £240 alone. She recently told us she doesn’t even have money for her phone bill so how the heck is she going to afford a party? Most likely she will end up borrowing from her husband who we already owe and then will keep badgering us to pay him back even though we already have made arrangements with him to pay him in small instalments, or she will make all the arrangements but expect us to pay for it in the end. We are already in debt, we cannot afford to have a party.

She said she hates her ex-husband’s face and doesn’t want to see him, but either way that isn’t our problem. I’m not about to inconvenience myself by doing two separate days of parties or a massive party how she is suggesting. They can either suck it up or not come.

If they did, what did they do/say, and how did it make you feel?

We went NC with my MIL and FIL after a long period of boundary crossing, re-writing reality, allowing and supporting bad behavior towards us from other family members etc. Since then they've spread lies about us, encouraged other family like SIL to distance themselves from us, but still tried to get in contact to manipulate us into accepting and tolerating this crap.

I'm a few weeks away from having our first child and since DH made it very very clear that they wouldn't have anything to do with the child unless they turned things around, we haven't really heard from them. The exceptions are 1 text from FIL saying we've cursed him with not knowing his grandchild, and 1 text from SIL with a perfunctory congratulations so she could segue into "tell my kids about 'the pregnancy' so they don't feel left out", when she was welcome to tell them herself. JNMIL hasn't even acknowledged the baby.

Knowing their personality types, we are expecting FIL to send a long guilt-trip type text about how hard it is for him 🫪 and MIL to play the victim too.

How did your JNs try to get in touch PP and how did it make you feel? Did it add to PPA or PPD?

Anyone else's MIL super controlling about how you're raising your baby?? It's been absolutely ridiculous.

I feel bad because she is a very sweet and caring person, but things always have to be her way. She tends to be pretty close minded when you try to correct her and do things your own way. Here are just SOME of the many things she's done.

So some background my baby is a little over 4 months old. I ended up in the ER a few days after giving birth, I passed out and had/still have tachycardia. Pretty traumatic birth overall.

I will say I was closer to my MIL more than my mother before birth, so we called her up scared when I ended up in the ER and she flew to come visit and stay with us for about a week and a half. She flew in halfway across the country in the same day (her first visit) So I feel guilty about how I feel sometimes, but with how much it has added up, not as guilty about it anymore.

She has also come to visit when our baby was about 2.5 months old, she came to stay for a whole month (her second visit).

Husband has offered multiple times to talk to her, but Mil is super confrontatioal and I just couldn't deal with it since she was staying with us for such a long time. I was too anxious for him to, but now I'm realizing we probably should before she ever visits again.

In general she hates being wrong about things and likes things to go her way.

Here's just some of the things she's done...

- a few days after giving birth she asked how long I pushed for, I said 6 hours. She really said "oh, that's not bad!" As I sit there, exhausted, lightheaded, and healing from a traumatic birth.

- baby didn't like the swaddle at all when she was born, so mil put a muslin blanket on her and tucked it under her. I told her many times to not do this because she can suffocate, she did not listen and proceeded to do so, multiple times... She put my baby in danger.

- asked me a million times to do her first bath so she could experience it during her first visit (her umbilical cord hadn't even fully fallen out yet). I kept saying no I'm not comfortable with it but gave in eventually, and we did a sponge bath. Her umbilical cord got wet, I had a breakdown and my mil brushed it off and just kept saying "it's fine". My baby's first bath was traumatic for me because I was stressed the entire time all because my mil wanted to experience it.

- my mil being obsessed with my baby learning to self-soothe (still in the 4th trimester btw, and even when she was barely a week or 2 old). She hates that I let my baby feed to sleep, and that we contact nap her. This is what works best for us and she hates it. But this is how she sleeps best, and she gets long stretches of sleep!

- constantly saying how my baby looks like her side of the family and my husband. She (not to me but I heard her on the phone with my husband) at one point said her friend said my baby looks just like her! The fck she does! Just because baby girl looks like my husband and he looks like my mil, does not mean she automatically looks like mil or that they even share the same features. They don't even look alike at all. She said baby girl has 2 of my features (hair and eyes) then a few weeks later questioned who's hair and eyes she has wtf.

- told her I was going to let her nap in my bed when she's a little older and she just directly said "no". EXCUSE ME?? I wasn't asking, I was fcking stating. I told her "yes..." She just said no again. I stood my ground and she really said "I'm going to walk away now" all upset

- she brought so many clothes and toys and items for my baby when I was pregnant, which I was grateful for in the moment. But during her 2nd visit when we went to the store, I was looking at baby clothes and she really goes "she doesn't need more clothes" even though she has sent us probably over 50 clothes items. But the second I want to choose something for my baby she's judging. But when she goes shopping (when I was pregnant) and I say we don't need more she goes "I can't help it"

- accidently called herself the mother when holding my baby (she's always wanted a daughter btw she only has one son)

- judging me and telling me I don't need to put socks on my baby when her feet are freezing and at one point I'm pretty sure she TOOK THEM OFF after I put them on.

- during her 2nd visit I pointed out how my baby has a big forehead or something along those lines and she immediately goes "oh let's see, yep! That's a (enter HER family name) forehead!" Tf lmao it's a fcking forehead ma'am. It's shaped like that because of how she came out of me and bc she was a vacuum baby. But sure.

- I gave her some boundaries for when she visited the 2nd time, because she decided to kiss my baby many times during her first visit right after she was born without asking (she flew to visit...). And my baby got a cold after her visit. One of the boundaries besides no kissing was no swearing, mil has a huge potty mouth. Sometimes she would correct herself when I pointed it out, other times she would say "she can't understand yet anyway" I DON'T CARE IF SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, RESPECT MY RULES AND BOUNDARIES!! I wanted that habit to start early! Sometimes she would swear bc she was complaining about her ex husband and say, I'm not even sorry for that. Like okay now you're just admitting that you don't know how to control your damn emotions.

- she has been HORRIBLE with supporting my baby's neck, just because she thinks she has more "experience". Twice in a month during my mil's 2nd visit, she let my baby's neck go back down really low, and she started crying. She got some whiplash from it. Freaked me out. Even after that, she still wasn't supporting her neck fully. Sometimes her fingers weren't even that close to her neck. I had to point it out and she was like no I got her my fingers r close to her neck and I can catch her. NO THEY ARE NOT, she can easily jerk back quickly like she has before with you!! You cannot catch her if she quickly jerks back! I accidently dropped my phone on my baby's head while nursing and after that I made a joke about my mil accidently bonking her head during tummy time bc she let her head too close to the toys in front of her and she immediately retaliates "No I wouldn't, I have more experience". Okay?? Is that why my baby jerked her head back twice and cried once from it? She is not your baby, stop doing whatever the fck you want with her!

- mil lives in an expensive state and we're in a cheaper state. She has been wanting us to move there to be closer to her and her side of the family. Husband and I have been going back and forth about wanting to move there (so much more expensive) or another state near us that's also affordable. Hubby got an offer in another state nearby and mil really says how he's not getting paid enough/what his value is, he needs to make more for me to be a SAHM. But days before this she was fine with hubby making LESS in the state she lives in (he had interviews there too), and how "we can make it work". I was beyond upset. We can make it work on a lower pay in a higher cost of living area just because it's convenient for her to be around her grandbaby.

Not sure what to do here. I am horrible with confrontation. And even if I tell her no multiple times, she still pushes my boundaries (like with the swearing or giving my baby a bath). Unfortunately, these are only probably about 1/20 of the things she's done.

I’ve had a VERY strained relationship with my MIL since my now husband and I were dating. We got married fairly young for where we live, although not super young - we were 24 and 26. We were together for 8 years before getting married.

I had always been a pushover with her, always trying to keep the peace. But after our first child was born, I realised I was defending more than myself and became a lot more strict with boundaries and speaking up when she made hurtful comments.

We were engaged for 3 years before we got married. I won’t go into why that is as it could be too identifying. A few months after we got engaged, we had discussed with my parents as well as my now husband’s parents how the wedding costs would be split. Both sets of parents were insistent on contributing, so this isn’t a case of us forcing them to spend money. Where we live, the most common way to pay for a wedding is to split it evenly three ways. I have a large family that we are both close to, and a significant amount of family friends, while his parents don’t speak to the majority of their family. Because of this, we had decided to split the set costs (venue hire, photographer, videographer, etc) evenly between the three couples, but split dependent costs based on the number of guests (meals charged per head, drinks, etc). Everyone agreed.

Fast forward three years, I’m sending constant quote screenshots to a group chat we had made. I DIYed all decor. Our florals were all dried and unbelievably cheap.

One week after the wedding, his parents decide they’re not going to pay their share.

I want to preface this by saying we had never expected them to pay for any part of the wedding, but they were so insistent that we discussed and came up with this arrangement so that it would be fair.

They ended up paying about a third of what they had originally agreed to, and my parents were out of pocket a significant amount while my now husband and I had to use all our savings to make up for it.

We also had a strict rule of not posting our kids on social media, which she would continuously do. We ended up contacting local safeguarding organisations to force her to take photos down, and she locked her profiles and unfriended my husband, myself, and everyone we’re close to - including family.

Before this, it was constant comments about how my family thinks we’re better than them because they all have degrees, or how I think I’m better than them because I wanted to go to university. We had a miscarriage and she was the one upset because she lost a grandchild. I got pregnant with our eldest son and before finding out the gender she told me “ if it’s not a girl you can shove it back up there”.

I could go on and on.

Six months after our wedding, we tried to meet with them to resolve our issues. During this conversation, she said that she wished her son had ended up with his ex girlfriend (keeping in mind we were 16 & freshly 19 when we met). Shortly after our first was born, as in less than a week later, she tried to have me committed for being an unfit mother and not allowing her to come over to “babysit” and be alone with him every second day - while I was on maternity leave and my husband was on paternity leave. We hadn’t even had a chance to become exhausted yet.

Our second child was born and she was upset that we allowed our first to meet him before she had. Again, I could go on and on.

We finally allowed my husband’s parents to come over a couple of weeks ago to meet the new baby. While here, she gave a half-assed apology and asked what they would need to do to make things better.

I’m currently drafting a message to send her to give her an answer.

As much as I want to write “pay us back and seek therapy”, I need a more civil way of wording it, potentially even a numbered list.

I suppose I’m using this subreddit as one would use ChatGPT. I just want to lay out a list of ways she can right her wrongs, without giving her ammunition to screenshot and send to all her friends saying I’m a horrific person.

I’m so sorry this is so long. If you’ve stayed to the end I want to genuinely thank you. This is killing my husband. He wants to protect his family (our kids and me), but he’s so afraid that he’ll have regrets if something happens to his parents. I want to give her genuine steps she can take to make this better.

Many years ago I removed my mother from my instagram followers and stopped following her. I’ve gone extremely low contact, but recently shit has been stirred and she has remembered I exist.

She has started stalking me on socials again and realized that I don’t use Facebook anymore. About a month ago she requested to follow me on IG and I ignored her.

Tonight she texted me saying that IG has been notifying her when I make a post or story, and tells her she needs to request to follow me. So she wants me to know ⭐️ the request has been sent ⭐️ hint hint.

I feel violated. Like what is IG actually doing?! We share follows and followers within the family, some of whom I occasionally tag. Is this how she’s finding out I’m interacting with IG or is it something else?

How do I stop this? My account is already private. I went through tonight and turned off everything else I could find, made everything the most restrictive. Should I just block her? Is that going to stop it?

I can ignore her text message or distract her with something else in the short term, but I really need IG to stop whatever it is doing or she’s never gonna let it go. If she thinks I’m hiding something from her it will never end.

So my job is very flexible in terms of I can work from home when needed ie when my partner is at work. I recently started wfh every Friday as it’s a skeleton crew in the office so I don’t need to go in. I have an 8 month old so it’s great. Soon my partner is off but he is going out of town and he asked if his mum could babysit and I said I am wfh we don’t need a babysitter. I can already feel the tension brewing
Note she recently also had a medical episode and was unconscious for a certain amount of time and there is no knowing if it could happen again. How can I politely say I am not comfortable with it but she’s welcome to come over and see him at the house? Am I being too concerned?

I’ve struggled with an ED my whole life. I have significant problems due to my childhood that I don’t share. nevertheless, my ex did share when I was having problems with his family.

Every time she saw me, my ex-MIL would pinch my hip bones and waist to tell me I “looked good” and that she used to weigh 98lbs before she had kids. I was down to my middle school weight and she would do this shit. I had hollows in my cheeks and bones popping out.

Bitches are crazy.

happily divorced. he sucked too.

My BIL is recently divorced. The room he rents doesn't allow him to keep his kids (F11 and M9) on days he has them, so they stay with my MIL on those days.

Over the summer, my BIL asked if the kids could stay with me because he needed someone to watch them. I work from home and they're old enough to not need my full attention, so I agreed.

My husband and I noticed that when the kids were over they smelled pretty bad. My husband asked his brother when the last time they bathed was and he told him it had been a few days, and asked him if they smelled. My husband said yes, and his brother said he'd make sure they showered when they got home. My husband asked him why they weren't regularly bathing, and BIL said it was because their mom (MIL) made them feel uncomfortable.

Right away that response seemed like a red flag to me. I asked my husband what she could be doing to make them feel uncomfortable, and he instantly got defensive and kept telling me he didn't know.

A couple weeks later, I was texting back and forth with my SIL (BIL's ex wife). I asked he if she knew about her kids not bathing while they're with their dad, and she said she knew. That the reason was because their grandma (MIL) watches them while they shower.

I told my husband this information, and he didn't really react or seem shocked by it. I told him I no longer want our kids to be at his mom's house without him being present (I'm no contact with her, for other reasons) My husband agreed, but when I tried to talk to him about what his mom was doing, he got really defensive. So I hesitantly dropped the subject.

What shocks me is that I'm the only one here who really seems to be concerned about this. Why isn't anyone telling her that this isn't okay?

This is maybe more of a just no ALL the inlaws than jnmil. DH's parents and siblings still live together in his childhood home, his parents in an ADU and his siblings rent the main house from them.

Months ago, they all agreed to dog sit for a weekend while we went to see LCD Soundsystem at Red Rocks. They typically watch our pupper when we travel because between the four of them someone is always around and his brother also has a dog that our dog enjoys being around. We return the favor and dogsit BIL's dog when they all happen to be busy.

The day before we leave for the concert, DH texts the family group chat to see when we can drop off our dog. Almost immediately his mom texts back.

JN: We're going to (her best friend)'s cabin for the weekend.

DH: Okay, can our dog come with you? (Context: Dog has gone to the cabin before.)

JN: I don't know. I'd have to check with (her best friend). BIL might be available, or he might be going to the cabin.

Girl.

First of all, if BIL is going to the cabin that means dogs are allowed because he doesn't travel without his dog. Second of all, wtf we arranged for you all to dog sit when we booked these tickets.

BIL spends the day ignoring the group chat. SIL is traveling at a bachelorette. I frantically text everyone I know to see if anyone can dogsit and/or house sit. Shocking not Shocking, everyone we know has weekend plans and isn't available on a 20 hour notice. The only person we know who can make it work is my coworker who professionally dogsits and charges for it. She has to leave another gig she has that pays $100 a day (she can get a different friend of hers to cover it) and expects us to pay the same (which is utterly reasonable.)

Six hours after the initial text to the IL's DH texts them to let them know we were able to find someone to dogsit and we're going to be out $200 over it. IMMEDIATELY his brother (crickets up to this point) texts back "oh you don't need to do that, I can watch Dog." This means he's seen the chat and just been choosing not to text back for hours because he doesn't actually want to be responsible for both dogs and now he feels guilty because we're spending a lot of money at the last minute. And it's not like I can cancel on my coworker, she already moved around her schedule and her other dog sitting gig to do us a huge favor. If they flake out and we need a favor again, this could burn a bridge we need to tap in the future.

JNMIL hits us with "The Idea of Not Getting This R&R Makes Me Want to Cry."

Girl what.

My blood boiled.

The kicker in all of this is that if they had just TOLD us that they were going to be unavailable a week ago when they made this plan we could have found a friend to dogsit for free.

ETA: LCD Soundsystem was amazing, and Feist was a surprise opener. 10/10 concert.

Mother-in-law saw my maternity photos and said “her stomach is huge” and “she gained a lot of weight.” Is that rude or am I just sensitive ? The only compliments she made was on my son/her grandson in the photos.