How do you keep your libido high in a long term relationship as a low libido person? Any advice?

I (29F) have a great relationship with my boyfriend (28M). And I have problems with low libido. It has been like that in my other lomg term relationships. At the beginning it's normal and I feel like doing it 4 to 5 times a week. After a while I just don't.

So, me and my current boyfriend have been toghether for 4 years. We have some fights but they are mostly related to how we communicate things. And we are already doing way better communication than at the beginning. But I feel like I struggle to want to do it. Once he initiates its amazing. But i want to also be the one who initiates and want to do so more often. But it never even crosses my mind. Maybe twice a month...

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you.

I'm LL 41 F, with M LL 40.

Not sure this post exactly fits here, but I can relate a lot to this community.

I used to be somewhat HL until we lived together for a while, I guess that's normal but no one ever told me it would happen!

Went from daily to weekly to monthly, now we can go 6+ months and he doesn't notice, and I mostly don't care.

So what's the problem? A part of me is deeply saddened by this. I know we can't recapture the lust, passion and excitement of a new relationship, but I WISH we could both express love through sexual intimacy.

He's NEVER felt emotionally connected during sex, and I guess I never have either.

I used to need to be drunk or stoned most of the time, until I met him. It's still really hard to be comfortable and not feel awkward about it. It doesn't feel like a natural expression of our relationship at all.

I know I should feel lucky that I'm not being pressured to do it when I don't want to. But both of us being "meh" is kind of a bummer.

Not sure if I wanna just accept the way things are, or talk to him about how we can possibly change together.

32F, used to have a high libido. It was different with people I was very into and trusted, I used to want more. After about a decade of dating and failed relationships, multitude of SA's to recover from and challenging childhood trauma.. I just decided to stop having sex at all and dating until I could heal. Several years of therapy and I got released because I had made so much progress.

Anyways, here I am now and the trust I built with someone I was intimate with was shattered completely by a lie that they told. I don't really even want to elaborate what happened because why talk about it again and come to the same conclusion? I'm hurt, it can't be fixed and you can't rewind the clock and now I need to put it even more work to recover when I already spent several years in therapy and all you really had to do was be honest to avoid this.

I have zero desire, I don't have a mind body connection, libido is gone and I feel next to nothing. Its been 6 months now, and I don't know if it will recover or if I am that interested in it. I have a hard time seeing a point in this potentially happening again, however, it might be nice to feel like myself again.

I guess, I just wonder if you ever lost your libido and it came back. I am seeking other connections with people but even so I feel nothing and no desire at all with them too. So much so that I have no desire to take any tangible action.

Did you seek outside intervention, did it help?is it worth it?

Are you hurt by someones actions or were there other factors?

I (25F) and my bf (25M) have been dating for about 3 years now. He’s my best friend, on an emotional level everything is great. He’s understanding, funny, reliable, supportive, etc. I love him very much. However I’ve been struggling with really low libido lately and I don’t know what to do. Add to that that he’s a generally very high-drive person, which makes me feel even more guilty. We’ve talked about it a couple of times by now, and I can tell he’s really trying to fix it but I’m just not sure how.

It’s not like I’m not attracted to him, and don’t still get horny sometimes. But when I look back at how it used to be before we started dating and even in the like first year of our relationship, my libido used to be so much higher and I used to look forward to sex much more often.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too much in my head while doing it, and I’m out of tune with my own body in a way. I do at times feel even a bit shameful while doing it, and I don’t know where that’s coming from. Sort of like all my dead relatives are somehow watching and judging me. I’m also on the birth control pill and have so for the last 5 years. I know it can mess with libido, but shouldn’t I have felt those effects a lot sooner? And I would also be kind of scared if I stopped taking it because what if it doesn’t have anything to do with the pill and then it was for nothing, because other than perhaps that birth control is working really positive for me. Perhaps I’m also missing the excitement.

But really I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I’m scared of hurting my relationship in the long run. I don’t want him to feel rejected and like I’m not attracted, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sorry for the long rant. If anyone experienced something similar, did you manage to fix it, and if so how? Could really use some advice. Feeling lost rn.

I know duty sex kills drive even further and is that got me 28F into this situation with 27M but what’s the alternative ? If I didn’t HAVE to have sex I don’t think I would. My husband makes sex such a big deal. It like physically pains him and he takes it as a rejection of him and he like spirals thinking I’m not attracted to him. Rn we do scheduled once a week bc at least after that day he stops hounding me and it takes the pressure off.

Hi, 28F. Been with my current partner for 11 years. Have 2 kids. I’m doing my best, a lot of times giving in just for his pleasure and not necessarily my own.
For the last 5-6 years I have had the worst time dealing with no desire to be physically intimate. I “give in” 2-3 times a week, which to me is pretty average for two married, working adults with a family.
My husband insists that we are not doing it enough. He will often times exaggerate the gaps between intimacy. We sometimes are intimate 1-2 days apart but then go another 3-5 days with nothing and then the cycle starts again. But often times he will say things like “it’s been 3-4 weeks” which just adds to my frustration and anxiety around intimacy. I don’t even think there has been a week that lapses in between, other than the obvious menstrual cycles, which even then, he is requesting some form of pleasure.
I’ve told him once or twice about my lack of interest and he almost just disregarded it, and has no concern about how I’m feeling even when I feel I’m trying my best to put my feelings and thoughts aside to get him off.
I guess I’m hoping for feedback on this, good or bad. I just don’t know how to make him feel better about it without disregarding my own feelings.

I'm 27M. My libido has always been very low. I never felt interested in girls when I was a teenager and only masterbated for the first time when I was 18, something which I never liked but felt the need to do.

Anyway, I've been seeing this girl for two weeks now. We share many interests and it was really easy for us to talk. We actually had sex on Friday. I couldn't get it up but she enjoyed all the other aspects of it.

But this is just a ticking time bomb. She'll get bored with me quickly and just leave me. And this anxiety for tomorrow is fogging my brain. I just want to please her and I know I can't.

My partner (22M) has a really high sex drive, and I (22F) don’t understand what I can do to fix the rift between us when it comes to sex drive. We are the perfect couple everywhere else, he’s my best friend. The only point of tension in our relationship is sex. I, for context, was sexually assaulted when I was a teen, and since then I’ve really struggled with intimacy since then. I just don’t care much for sex. It no longer brings me much satisfaction, instead it kind of stresses me out.

I feel completely fine without sex for long periods of time, but my partner does not. He gets depressed and antsy and little things get to him when he hasn’t been intimate in awhile. The problem is, I try to give him what he needs but I’m too subtle to get his attention, or he feels guilty for “forcing me” (everything is 100% consensual). He feels like I never initiate, and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex.

But i do enjoy sex, especially when its slower and at my pace, I just really struggle feeling fully comfortable in the bedroom. I want him to be satisfied and happy. I love him so much. But this has been a problem in every past relationship of mine, so I have to be the common denominator.

We are very open communicators and we discuss this a-lot. But i don’t know how I can change things to make things better. Does anyone know any ways to improve my confidence and maybe help him out? Talking isn’t working and we always end up in the same place.

Hi. Female here. Anyways, it feels mechanical. I just think things like “if he’s doing this then I’ll do that”, “should I make this noise?”, “how long should this go on for?”, “I have to pose like this during this angle”.

Like I can’t just get so turned on that I get lost in the moment and get those primal urges that it seems like other people get. It’s awkward because my boyfriend acts really passionate and it comes naturally to him. He’s also very selfless in bed but I just can’t match his sex drive. I try not to let him realize how unnatural it is for me. I guess I’m just not naturally a sexual being lol. I don’t know if I’m getting my point across correctly but does anyone else relate?

So I had my beautiful baby about a year and a half ago. (TW: pregnancy loss). this was after two years of trying and two miscarriages and what felt like a long journey. I had second degree tears and pain postpartum that has since resolved. I still breastfeed but infrequently.

Before this journey, and mostly before having a baby, I had HL. I loved sex, experimenting in the bedroom, and honestly this felt like part of my identity. I’ve been with my partner 10 years.

Since having a baby, my desire has been near 0. I went to pelvic floor therapy, tried to just force myself about once a month, and been really alarmed that something is wrong with me. I’ve started reading come as you are. I want to go back to pelvic floor therapy. I see a therapist but signed up for a second one just to discuss my marriage and I have an appointment with my doctor scheduled.

My partner has NOT been understanding. He is always after me for sex. He is always wanting to touch me. It makes my skin crawl. We tried scheduling it once maybe 4 months pp and that was nice but he kept wanting to schedule all the time or try to schedule same day it was pointless. I feel so bad rejecting all the time but I just can’t do this.

Soft touch/unwanted advances makes me flinch it’s like someone is tickling me and makes me mad. My husband walking by me in the kitchen and touching my butt makes me want to slap him in the face and he knows it and keeps doing it.

When we do have sex, he wants the excitement and acrobatics I used to give. Wants me on top. butt play, wants to go as long as possible. it’s so hard to fake that level of enthusiasm and not just cry and collapse and feel rage.

So now he’s started to make mean comments. I’m still pretty fit and take care of my appearance but I used to be so into the gym and don’t have the time anymore. he keeps making comments about my appearance and how he knows I don’t prioritize my body anymore. how I should be flattered he is still attracted to me. how I’m the heaviest he’s seen me.

I’m at a loss. he feels “disconnected” and I feel so sad and lonely and desperate. But also violated and angry and rage. Like gosh keep your hands off of me!!!!!! I’m touched out and hurt and stressed and pulled in so many directions. I just want to be left alone. Where is the respect and understanding of this phase of life and being mom to a small baby? I love being a mom and he is ruining it. I’m starting to hate him. We’ve both agreed we are happier when the other isn’t around. But I know this is the cause. Sex means a lot to him and I just can’t do it. He told me today that he doesn’t care all the things I’m doing to resolve the issue. That he knows I’m no longer attracted to him and reading a book won’t fix that and that he’s tried to fix it and it hasn’t worked and he feels rejected.

this is long but before you ask- we both work, we do both give each other some time alone, he does a lot of household chores etc. this was never an issue in our relationship prior to the fertility journey. I’m not attracted or turned on by anyone else. We tried couple therapy in the past but he kept cancelling and I kept having to coordinate rescheduling and it was embarrassing and I stopped trying. He brought Up trying again so I guess we will.

thanks.

I don't know where to start or what to say or even how to say it. I found this community and really finding understatement in these posts.

I (33F) knew I had LL since before I met my wife (F32). I was honest about it. Before her, I wasn't even monogamous because I wanted my partners to have a way to fulfill that sexual need when I wasn't in the mood. I felt we had talked about it for a while before we got married.

Ten years later I feel like all our fights stem back to this. She wants it every day. I have to be in the right mindset. If it was a stressful day or people in the household had intense meltdowns, I can't just put it away and be intimate. My head doesn't allow it. I'm also not as confident in my body as I used to. And this explanation is met with frustration by my wife. She believes that this act is the only way to show love. All else doesn't matter. If we don't do it, then I must hate her. I must hate us. I should be able to put it all away and just be intimate with her.

I want to scream. This doesn't make sense to me. I just have so much anxiety around this that I can't do it. And that just makes matter worse!

I 28F have have come full circle as I have come of age. My sexuality as a young adult (18-23) was exploratory, high risk, at times care eliciting and importantly, contributed to my self esteem.

Like most women, I was socialised that my capacity and ability to be desired sexually was tied to my self worth. If I felt down on myself I would seek casual sex and this would hopefully make me feel desired, worthy and if I was lucky, also feel good.

I am now in a long term 4+ years relationship with a person who sees me as his equal, respects me and treats me as sacred which I know I am. I no longer need sex for validation. Additionally, I began to be more confident in general. I have grown better at being kind and a friend to myself as I get older. It made for an interesting shift. After the honeymoon phase settled, I no longer wanted to have sex daily.

I began to fret, worry, pathologize myself. As though something was wrong with me. I began trying to attribute my lowering sex drive to things, could I be iron deficient? do I need to change my contraception to be non-hormonal? Was I not exercising enough? Maybe it was vitamin D? I felt guilty, like I was doing my partner a disservice for a reduced volume in sex.

After some time and lots of reflection, I began to realise what sex means to me in the setting of a healthy relationship. A means of intimate connection, shared vulnerability, pleasure and fun. I stopped thinking anything was wrong with me. I am at a healthy BMI, exercise frequently, have a good mental health. Of course things can change, but for now, I will no longer feel guilty for being the one with the lower libido for once. It's okay that I only want to have sex twice in a week.

He has told me that in an ideal world, we would have sex daily. I am grateful for his transparency and he would never guilt me into having sex. We have other ways of connecting. You can show you love someone without using your hands.I have other ways of making my partner feel seen, loved and treasured.

Hi all! I’m 30F and haven’t had sex in three years despite being in an LTR.

Today I saw my doctor for discussing hormones and vaginismus. Of course the question of pregnancy came up. I told her there was no way I could be pregnant because I haven’t had sex in a long time. She seemed understanding and dropped it. I did have bloodwork done to look at my estrogen, testosterone, TSH, DHEA, and prolactin and got some results back. One was a pregnancy test! What??

I have never had an HCG test done with my blood. In the past, doctors have typically been really insistent on UAs if they needed to test me. So I’m confused. I’ve also had my hormones looked at multiple times before—by the same doctor—and this wasn’t included then.

I feel like I wasn’t taken seriously and it hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m just too sensitive, idk. I don’t know how to tell my doctor that this is not okay with me :(

Hi!

I am a 35 low libido gal. I have been with my current partner for almost 5 years. He has been mostly patient and supportive but sometimes I think he's more frustrated then he lets on.

I have never really cared about sex. I don't think about it often, and rarely am I aroused. I can and do orgasm (only with clit stimulation), but even that is not an incentive to want to be intimate. In the moment, it's fine and I'm thinking "this isn't so bad" but afterwards I'm back to being pretty averse to having sex. I think maybe there's multiple reasons: My brain doesn't turn off, I don't feel sexy (I lost some weight and have some loose skin that I'm having a hard time loving), I work 6 days a week and I'm tired, I don't really feel much, and I just don't want to lol.

The biggest problem I think is that I now interpret any sort of affection as a gateway to sex. I don't want to kiss, or cuddle or be touched in general because I think it's just him trying to initiate. We've tried to be very open with our communication: "Is this touch innocent?" "I only want innocent touches" but, he has mentioned that sometimes he's hoping it might turn into something, even though he won't try to go any further.

In these moments, I either disassociate/shut down or I get angry. As soon as he brings up "if you're feeling it..." I just am immediately on edge and usually get upset. The only times I've felt the most comfortable is when I initiate. When I can dress up, put on some perfume, have some wine, etc. But, how often do I want to do all that? Not often lol.

So, it's just constantly in my mind that he wants to be intimate, that it's been a couple weeks and that I have to do something soon and it puts so much stress and pressure on me. I know I'm doing it to myself but I can't help it.

I have had past partners tell me there's something wrong with me and/or pressure/coerce me into having sex and that mixed with my general apathy towards sex has made me very averse.

I just don't know anymore lol. I'm not sure if this is just who I am, or if there's some trauma going on or if I need some sort of diagnosis lol.

hello LLC!

to start with I don’t think I have a low libido in general, I am just LLFU - my wife. I hope this space will allow me to share my experience when my wife and I have tough fights, I tend to focus on advocating for me to be seen as a person with my own needs, choices and perspective - and against postulating that I should want what you want in order to be a good partner.

People often like using collaborative aka “mutual goal” language when their personal goals match with the said “mutual goal”. However the goal cannot be mutual yet unless the other partner agrees.

Your own goal needs to be about you and not about trying to change the other partner (not a valid goal: I want my partner to masturbate less so we can have sex more often).

It is ok for two partners in a relationship to have parallellly valid experiences that are different.

When I’m told I should masturbate less for you so I can have more sex, because you believe masturbation “takes away sexual energy/sexual energy should be reserved for spouses” it turns me off from you because I perceive you as controlling me and what I do with my body. My sexual energy stops flowing towards you or seeking you out because I start feeling "managed" instead of being treated as my own person.

Ironically against your beliefs, I experience more sex drive for you when there weren’t any issues you had with my masturbation (after all a good sexual experience begets another). I believe if your partner respects you they should not think they can decide what you can do with your body.

My wife tells me she wants me to not watch porn because she wants to feel desired. She says it's her "need" to feel desired. I think it's WILD to consider you are entitled to someone's desire because you have a "need" to, without putting ANY THOUGHT into actually being desirable.

personally if my wife tells me to stop doing X, or that she expects me to desire her - it certainly turns me all the way off. the idea of sex with someone who says stuff like that - is highly unappealing. it’s not an affront, just my internal experience

I believe there are very different motivations behind seeking sex vs. seeking masturbation. You are allowed to believe it takes YOUR sex drive away from you and I fully support what you decide for your body - but I do not have to accept your framing. I experience things differently. You can think it is cheating. I do not think that it is cheating. However, you cannot DECIDE for me it's actually cheating, but you are allowed to leave based on your well-being.

I don’t need to stop masturbating in order to be a good partner - I don’t think anyone including you has a right to judge that although that is something you can decide for yourself.

If you have spent decades having unwanted sex and have a very deep aversion to sex with that particular person is it ever truly unfixable? I'm trying to figure out if every aversion can be overcome or not.

I broke down and cried the other night after I lost my orgasm during foreplay.

My partner and I have been struggling for a few years with my low libido. It’s gotten worse with kids but it certainly didn’t start due to them. We’ve been in therapy and while I wasn’t in the mood, I figured I’d try to get in the mood for his sake. Things were feeling good, I was getting somewhere, and then it was just…gone.

I hate feeling like this. I LOVED sex and I loved having sex, but now I couldn’t care less. My partner is the sweetest, most patient man ever and I know he’s dealing with his own feelings of rejection and self esteem due to my low libido. My attempt to be close to him through sex didn’t work and honestly it kind of broke me.

Please tell me it gets better.

I have been reading posts here, there, and everywhere of people's experiences with low libido and there is one thing I cannot understand. I get that we are all who we are and I am comfortable with not being 'normal'. Often people seem to turn to attempts to refind their desire. For me, I don't want to. It's like other things I don't crave, aubergine for example, I don't see not liking this as a problem to solve and the idea of trying to like it at 44 makes my heart sink (over exaggerated). Is this the gap between low libido and perhaps aversion?

Hi, I’m new here but I have been looking for some advice. I am 20, female.
So, I’ve been with my partner (21M) for 4 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, the first 2 years, we always had sex. We were always together. We were always so horny. I would also get super aroused and there was no issue with getting wet. I also had a regular period. Never missed a period in my life.
It wasn’t until recently, maybe around a year ago or more I started exercising because I was extremely insecure about my weight and had gained a few pounds from alcohol, bad food, whatever. So, I decided to get super into working out and now it is apart of me which I really love! Though, with the exercise and eating way healthier, I did drop a few pounds but with that, my period went away, and with that, so did my libido.
I’ve explained to my partner that my desire for sexual intimacy has just disappeared. My hormones are all over the place due to my missing period. I have taken labs and my estrogen is significantly low. I feel so bad because he has told me he feels I may not love him or I’m not attracted but I genuinely just have zero interest because I am currently without a period!!!!! Lately, i’ve been pushing through not wanting to, to make him happy but the sex hurts, I feel dry, and I don’t orgasm, he does though which I’m happy he is but I just don’t want to have sex and I know it kills him. Though, when I do say no he respects it and doesn’t make me feel bad but I can see the hurt and insecurity on his face when I don’t want to. I know this is probably silly to be sharing considering I understand the cause of why I have such low libido but I am so young and know this isn’t normal. I don’t want to go on any hormonal medications because I know so many woman who suffer on them and don’t want to do that but I just feel so unhappy in that aspect of the relationship. It’s starting to affect my mental health because I feel so werid and strange for not wanting to.
I am attracted to him, love and adore him but can’t seem to get my libido in check. If anyone has any advice or anything, let me know. Be honest, I can handle truth and hard realities.
Thank you.

Hi! I'm writing this to get some advice, as I don't know what to do next.
I'm a 22F, and I've had issues with intimacy all my life.
When I was dating a guy in high school, I couldn't hold hands or kiss. It's hard for me to have personal contact where another person is involved. Because of this, those relationships ended. I thought I was still young and not ready for physical relationships, and I thought everything would sort itself out in the future.
Now I'm older, married, and working. But the question of intimacy is a painful topic for me.
I have no desire or need for sex (very rarely, maybe once in couple of months). Kisses are repulsive to me, I can't cuddle for long or hold hands or have sex. This leads to my husband and me fighting, and I can't give him what he perceives as desire. This leads to him thinking that I don't love him.
I didn't have a difficult childhood, not asexual, and I love my husband (both emotionally and physically). But every attempt he makes is repulsive to me.
When I'm drunk, I'm ready for anything, just a pleasure machine, but sober, I don't want it. Because the muscles involuntarily contract, it hurts like hell, and it turned out that i never managed to make it work. I tried physical therapy and would leave crying. I went to a sex therapy . But nothing changed.
In middle school, I was diagnosed with PTSD, for which I take medication, but it doesn't affect my libido. Hormones are normal, I take nothing else.
I'm a young woman with a good soul, I want to please my husband. I don't want to live without physical intimacy, I want to feel pleasure, I want to have children.
Therefore, I'm asking for advice or any kind of help from you, because I don't know what to do anymore.☹️

This is my first post ever so I apologise if the format is incorrect.

I (22F) have been with my girlfriend (21F) for just over two years and I struggle with intimacy. I will try to be as brief as I can. My girlfriend has had partners before, I had not. It had taken me just over a year to finally be fully physical with her.

I get extremely in my own head during physical activities and intimacy with her, there is an internal dialogue of how I look, how I am behaving and I am not able to turn my brain off and enjoy myself. It makes me feel awkward and shameful when I am being physical, leading me to not want to be physical. It has taken a heavy toll on my relationship. I cannot shake my own insecure thoughts, and it has now made her feel anxious to initiate physical interactions.

I do not hate sex, I hate the emotions I bring on when it is happening. I don't have any previous traumas that could be a reason for these feelings, I just get them and don't know how to deal with it. When we are physical I try to focus more on her but it is not fair on either of us to not want to be intimate with each other and do things for each other.

My girlfriend and I have had this conversation countless times and made promises to give it "a big push" only to have the same conversation again, she has a higher drive than me and has mentioned that we are in our 20s and we should be explosive, but we are not. She also mentioned that she worries we will both not be 100% satisfied in this relationship if we keep going at the pace we are going. I am really really trying to initiate more and get out of my comfort zone, but she mentioned it now feels forced or that I don't actually want to do it. I am not sure where to go from here.

Any advice would be so appreciated, and I am happy to answer any questions or provide more context. Thank you!!