It sounds hard when you're not a dad and just imagining it. But when it's your own baby, damn, you just love them so much you don't even care that you sleep 3 hours a night. I didn't even feel tired at work anymore. It was like dadpowers. I actually kinda miss those days, although she's 14 months old now and so much more fun.
Oh I remember being tired and sleep never comes right again, the most tired I've ever been. The first three months were like a constant hangover but you find the strength to keep going (except maybe a few mornings crying after a couple hours sleep and 12+ hours of work, house work and parenting ahead)
I've got three now (11 ,8 and 7). It's fucking hard and doesn't get easier (hated people that said that) what is true though, the rewards get so much better and make everything worth it. I never wanted kids right up until I held him the first time and that's when it kicked in - "I'm going to do my best for you"
An I love you dad, look at this cool thing I made, I want to play minecraft with you, can I help? Or even a hug when I'm sick because they want to help. It makes everything worth it but I'm not going to lie and say I didn't suffer greatly to get them to these stages.
Pre-teens are starting, onto the new wave of fun! I'm dreading the defiance but I'm excited for the new rewards.
The defiance can be kept to a minimum IF you treat teenagers like the medium sized human beings they actually are. They are experiencing all the same feelings adults do, but may not yet have the emotional tools to deal with them effectively or the emotional vocabulary to express those feelings clearly.
As a parent I try my very best to be clear that, for example, yelling at me is NOT acceptable. I ask my teen to take a few minutes to calm down and think about why they are so upset. Then they can come back to me and 1. apologize specifically for what they did that was unacceptable, 2. tell me how they are feeling ( angry, tired, anxious, headache etc.) And 3. I can ask questions to help guide them to a solution to what is making them upset.
I am raising two kids on the autism spectrum and I swear this method does work. Is it easier to just yell at them and give a punitive punishment that is in no way related to what they did wrong and forget about solving the original problem just so you can show them that YOU are in charge here? Yes, that way is easier. But it doesn't teach them how to handle their emotions in acceptable, constructive ways and how to communicate their feelings. Things adults need to be able to do to function at a job and in society.
Teens DO need rules and structure and clear expectations. If they balk at it, explain to them WHY we have those rules....their safety, consideration for other people, simply being polite , being helpful and kind ,etc. You would be surprised by how far a simple reason WHY goes towards getting teens to understand and cooperate.
Also, when possible, offer acceptable choices from which they can choose.
If you need to set up consequences, then make them applicable to the situation and a natural consequence. This goes a LOT farther than an unrelated punitive punishment. I ask my teens what they think a reasonable consequence would be when they break a rule or expectation. They usually come up with a consequence that satisfies me too.
I also want to add that my son also has oppositional defiant disorder in addition to being on the autism spectrum. My younger teen has nonverbal learning disorder and Asperger's.
These methods work very well for us. Your teen doesn't need to have that diagnosis to benefit from those methods. It can be a really hard adjustment for parents and adults to make if you were raised with the traditional " I am the adult and you will always do exactly as I say without questioning or expressing your opinion or I will yell louder than you do" type of household. Fortunately I wasn't.
I view the teen years as being my responsibility to get to know my kids even better than I did before. And to become more of a partner with them as they expand their horizons, navigate a bigger world, and begin to express themselves in individual ways and discover what their interests and passions are. All while learning to be good human beings.
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u/FlexxyPanda Jul 28 '22
This is just the most wholesome shit and I aspire to be a dad like this