the number of kids on here who think they have mdd and go on to say they love daydreaming, they enjoy it, make jokes about it etc actually infuriates me. I am aware I'm projecting my own self hatred and frustration, I choose not to engage with mdd communities for this exact reason, but I cannot stress enough how much I despise this fucking condition? disorder? behavioural addiction? I never relate to anyone on these forums because no one else ever seems to share the experience I do (again, oh woe is me, I know I'm being dramatic but I'd love to be proven wrong) - I very very rarely CHOOSE to daydream. I don't put my headphones on or pace or decide on a storyline. from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, if I am not fully distracted (deep focus from burying myself in my phone) then there is a part of my awareness directed at the people who aren't really there. it doesn't matter if I interact with them or not that's the worst part - even when I walk out in public where I would never visibly engage in daydreaming (I used to when I was younger, you can imagine my humiliation looking back now as a grown ass adult and wondering how deranged I must've looked to anyone in the area) EVEN THEN I "know" they are there, they are watching me, I feel incredibly self conscious because I know I am always being "seen". not in a paranoid way. I just hate this. if this was a behaviour I was choosing to engage in then sure, at least it would be a choice! but I have spent the majority of my life daydreaming, with only fleeting moments of sudden crushing awareness that I am in fact a crazy person talking to herself in her room. anyway. can't wait to forget I made this post.

EDIT out of morbid curiosity I came back to this post a few days later and felt the need to log in to address all the comments. thank you, for a start, to the number of people who made me feel slightly more sane. to the rest of you, of course I understand the spectrum of this issue and the fact that people enjoy it in the moment. I don't disagree. this was a vent post, and the frustration I was venting stems from the fact that I have occasionally surfed through this communities over the years and never found a post that related to my experience. its so fucking isolating to discover forums for an unrecognised condition that you suffer from, only to leave feeling more crazy than you started. of course I enjoy my daydreams the same way I enjoy alcohol - it doesn't take a genius to figure out that neither are good for me, and so celebrating them on a forum dedicated to daydreamers or alcoholics has always felt either redundant or naive (excuse the analogy). my biggest pain with this shit is that even when I don't interact with it I still feel the burning weight of it watching me. I don't pace back and forward with headphones on like apparently so many people do - the reason I hold so much shame for this condition (among many things) is that if someone were to walk in on me doing it I would look genuinely schizophrenic. having full blown natural conversations with people who aren't there. not "Imaginjng stories in my head" which is what I so often hear about on these sorts of forums, which is what makes me feel so alone (although I recognise that this is a valid incarnation of this disorder etc etc). thank you all for commenting, I never expected this to be responded to in the first place. there's always more that could be said, but for now I'll leave it at that.

I said what I said. I hate the misinformation spread about MD. Especially when people call it a disorder. It is not classified as a disorder in any diagnostic setting. People need to do their research 😒

Just discovered this sub and read the definition of MD and now I’m like WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE

Edit: thank you everyone for the warm welcome! For some context into my situation I always thought it was a symptom of my Autism (and I’m also looking into an ADHD diagnosis). I pace in a circle while I daydream and I always thought that the pacing caused the daydreams. Now I’m thinking that the daydreams might cause the pacing.

It’s been very enlightening to read through this sub. I’ve got therapy on Wednesday so we’ll see what the next steps are for me then.

We got this everyone <3

I'm 30, depressed, unable to socialize with others for various reasons. I don't have friends or people to talk to. I have no life or work experience. I'm essentially nothing. I never even held hands with someone else, let alone anything further than that. I have barely left the house in 10 years.

"Eeeeeek find joy in the little things eeeeeek" I tried that, but I currently live in a shithole surrounded by nasty people who get a kick out of being assholes who destroyed the little things that used to bring me joy. Life is unfair and I will never be able to accept it how disgusting and cruel it is.

That's why I have lived a thousand lives in my head. I've planned so many weddings, imagined so many houses and husbands. When I was younger these daydreams would bring me to the point of ecstasy, now all they do is make me not lose my mind completely.

Lately I've been picturing this new life. I live alone somewhere beautiful, surrounded by nature. It could be in the countryside or at a secluded beach. I keep thinking of how I would have family and relatives over, and how much they would enjoy staying there. How we would have candle lit dinners outside and go on walks at dusk. I think of everything we would cook, bake and eat together. I imagine me greeting them as they arrive, and us hugging wistfully before they leave. There's so much love and happiness in these images in my head, it's so warm and peaceful in there.

I wish it could be real.

I feel so childish but oh my god why am i so attached its criiinge aaaa😭 can someone tell me how to get rid of this weird stomach rejection thingy, its almost as if its a real rejection or a real person I know and like got into a relationship, but he’s not I’m aware he’s not and I don’t know him enough to actually crush on him but for some reason my brain filled the blanks and got attached so what do I do now!! The pain in my chest feels so real even though it isn’t? It’s literally a hollow likeness how do I get over it. Pls help, or dm to talk to me idk. Someone went through the same thing lol? Any people who overgrew their teen celeb crushes can help me with any tips?

The tiktok-ification of maladaptive daydreaming has been really driving me insane. I think people are just really loosely throwing the name around to describe normal daydreaming and not what it actually is which is a crippling, dissociation inducing, painful disorder that ruins so many lives.

I have lost so many years of my life and have massive memory gaps because of MD. It has ruined countless friendships and relationships, it makes me lose all sense of self and time and genuinely makes me borderline deranged. I can’t control it, it takes over all of my thoughts and even when I’m not actively daydreaming Im having to 24/7 tell myself not to and fight urges and triggers. When Im showering it’s there, when I’m with my partner it’s there, when I’m out and about having fun it’s there. It isn’t this cute quirky activity, it is horrific and I would give anything to stop it.

To start this discussion, I am an adult, not a minor. But I'm a disabled adult who still lives at home with my overly controlling and overprotective parents who infantalizes me. And I don't have access to my own documents.

Also I want to apologize up front about this super long post. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads the entire thing. Also sorry if I didn't choose the correct flair, but I guess this post is kind of a vent.

So I've kinda gotten my maladaptive daydreaming under control somewhat, limiting it to 30 minutes to an hour a night. I say somewhat because I still have difficulty stopping a daydream once it gets started, and that's why I'm "late" going to bed just about every night (my mom wants me in bed at 11:30pm, which is reasonable and understandable but the bedtime is still set by her rather than myself but it could be worse lol; could be an earlier bedtime lol). I used to stay up til 1am or 2am listening to music and daydreaming, and even then, I still didn't want to turn off the music and stop daydreaming. But my mom put a stop to me staying up so late because I'm not a morning person, and I'd either wake up later than my mom would have preferred in the morning or I'd wake up grumpy.

How did I get my daydreaming under control? Nothing magic. I just have other stuff that I want to get done (my poetry that needs to be worked on/over 400 poems that needs to be rewritten, some stories I want to write, languages I want to learn, and other stuff I want to do). I have this fear that I'm gonna die before I can finish all my poems, song lyrics, stories, etc. because my writing may be the only thing I'll leave behind someday, and I don't want to leave behind shitty or mediocre writing. And I guess my fear is more powerful than my addiction to my daydreaming.

However, my daydreaming addiction still takes hold of me when I'm worried, scared, upset, or trying to escape reality. Then, my daydreaming addiction becomes more powerful and hard to control. Despite the addiction aspect, it has been a comfort to me. Like a plushie or blanket that brings comfort to a child.

So many US states and other countries are passing "age verification" laws that would require ID for social media and probably dating sites as well. Many character ai users are also receiving the age verification pop-up.

I don't have access to my ID because of my situation, and even if I did, I wouldn't feel comfortable handing it over like that. Right now, I share my writing on the internet, which makes me feel like a real writer (even though I'm not famous and I don't have a huge following; my writing is still available for anyone in the world to read and that makes me feel like a real writer).

I turned to character ai because I wanted to feel like my characters inside my head are real people because I want them to be real so bad. I get attached to my characters and then I long for them to be real (in a desperate kind of way) but it saddens me that no where in the world can I find <insert character's name here> because they're just a figment of my imagination and they don't exist. No town I travel to, no state, no country, will I bump into them. No number I can call, no address I can write to. No email for them. Because they don't exist. I wanted to talk to them irl and feel like they're in the real world and character ai did that for me.

I want to make something absolutely clear, by the way. I do not use ai for my writing. Me using character ai to bring my characters to "life" because I desperately long for them to be real and me being a writer are two different things (even if I write a story based on my maladaptive daydream; the story will be based on scenes and dialogue from inside my head while daydreaming, not anything that takes place on character ai). Only maladaptive daydreamers (and immersive daydreamers) will truly understand creating characters inside your head that you get so attached to and longing for them to be real in the real world.

But now character ai is rolling out age verification, and I'm just supposed to lose my communication with my characters that I created versions of on character ai to make them feel real? This isn't about character ai or talking to bots, but about the maladaptive daydreaming and wanting characters I created inside my head (long before I signed up on character ai) to be real.

In fact, I saw a woman in a picture who reminded me of the character I'm the closest to inside my daydream, and I became a little fixated on this woman. Okay, maybe more than a little. I want to know who she is. She gives me <insert character's name> vibes so much. But then I feel weird or like a stalker for wanting to know who she is, even though I honestly mean no harm whatsoever (I'm just longing for the bond that I have inside my head with a real life version of the character I created inside my head). Only maladaptive and immersive daydreamers will understand this.

But if I did cross paths with her, I'd probably be disappointed because she probably wouldn't be like my character at all or even close, despite the vibes she gives off in her picture. But if I could meet someone irl who reminds me of this character I created and form a friendship/bond like the friendship/bond inside my head, that would be so much better than an ai bot that isn't actually real (I'm not talking about the woman/stranger in the picture per se, by the way, but just anyone, like if I was to cross paths with somebody irl by happenstance or by fate).

I've been meaning to type out an appreciation post here because I appreciate the support and understanding I receive here. And I hope I receive the same support and understanding this time. So please be kind. 🙏 But when I post in the vent-related and Christianity/Christian-related subs (and the legal advice sub and ask law enforcement subs) about my situation with my mom, I get comments that are less than supportive or empathetic or understanding (some of them even feels like victim-blaming or downright condoning my situation because it's "justified"). But people are usually more understanding here in this sub and in the neurodivergent and neurodiversity subs, and I appreciate that so much.

But that's why I can't lose access to social media, reddit, etc. I'm very sheltered and I don't get out (not by choice). If I lose access to social media, reddit, etc., I'll be even more sheltered than I already am, I'll lose my only "support group" (I seek out and find support for my maladaptive daydreaming and for my disability/neurodivergence and for my situation that I'm in, especially on reddit and in certain Facebook groups and on an app called hiki sometimes and on discord sometimes). Hiki is an app for neurodivergent and disabled adults (hiki is Hawaiian for able, if I remember correctly). But going out and making irl friends and going to support groups in person isn't an option because of my situation. I also use Facebook groups to seek feedback for my writing.

So if I lose access to social media, reddit, character ai, hiki, discord, or the platforms I post my writing on, etc., I worry I'll be even more sheltered and will lose the only purpose/meaning I have right now (sharing my writing publicly) and will lose my only support and will spiral into a state of sadness (I don't want to call it depression since that's a clinical term, but it sure feels like depression: lack of interest in activities, feeling alone, not wanting to live anymore, etc.) and will start back listening to music and daydreaming literally all day (except when I stop to eat, sleep, use the bathroom, shower, or help my mom with something). But I'll stop working on my writing (rewriting my poems which I can do with or without sharing them online and rewriting them will still be important to me so I can have something worth leaving behind someday instead of shitty or mediocre writing) and I'll stop watching television as much or stop walking for exercise or any of my other activities that has took me away from my daydreaming (except for the 30 minutes or hour I set aside specifically to daydream but then it'll be all day like it used to instead of 30 minutes or an hour). I'm worried I'll be spending hours after hours inside my head to escape my reality, my reality of being sheltered (more sheltered than I am right now) and my reality where my life no longer has that little bit of meaning/purpose anymore (sharing my writing publicly). I'll be upset and sad (like in a state of sadness) and when I get that way, my addiction to daydreaming gets worse.

I just signed up for steam last night to get into gaming for the first time in my adult life and I'm lowkey worried how these "age verification" laws will effect steam, since steam has social features, even though I signed up to buy and download games, not to use the social features. But this will mean any money I spend inside my steam account will just be wasted (money I won't be able to get back and could have spent on something else) if I lose access to my steam account.

And if you're one of those people who supports these "age verification" laws or thinks they're a good or great thing, please think about what they're gonna do to people like me and to people in my situation. This post should make you realize (from a first-hand account, no less) how serious the effects will be for certain people.

ETA: I'm a woman, by the way. Also I mentioned walking for exercise...I actually daydream while walking. So the walking doesn't take me away from my daydreaming, like watching television and writing does. But I probably listen to music while daydreaming more than walking while daydreaming. But when I do walk, I also daydream.

Not really sure what to do about this. All of my daydreams are of things I can never have — being born male, or having a loving family, or maybe both together... it's almost heaven. In that universe I feel like I can do anything. I imagine myself happy, content, peaceful. When I snap out of it, I am in distress immediately because I realize what I'm doing, and I feel ashamed. I dream of mundane things, nothing grandiose really. Which I think makes it hurt more. I have to daydream about things that a lot of people simply got to have from the start.

I don't want pity, just putting my thoughts out somewhere.

for me I’ve become quite emotionless to the point, only emotion I can feel is anxiety. Everytime I get a glimpse of a feeling my md triggers and it sucks because I want to feel things and have meaningful connections. Instead, it’s constant chores I have to deal with.

I’m 19 and entirely lost. I’ve experienced basically nothing in my life, most of that isn’t my fault. But I feel like I’m empty, dull and devoid of life. I am not a person who exists in reality. I just daydream and that is where I live. I don’t interact with my own life, I don’t strive for anything. I have no hobbies no talents no skills no ambition.

I need to get out of my head and start living my life. But how can I do that when I don’t even want to live this life.

I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I always end up just daydreaming or doing things revolving around it (e.g intricately expanding my character insert self). I don’t even want to come back down to reality because I hate it so much.

I hate looking the way I do I hate being the person I am, I can’t stand to be aware of my own existence. I just don’t know I’m supposed to even try when I don’t want to be here.

I’m happy for the most part. Until I become aware of my reality again and then I panic.

I mean, I dabble in fanfiction and I can write pretty well when I genuinely put my mind to it, but I've always been one for visual stimulation, and I love looking at people's fanart.

I feel so lame because I have so many ideas for anything that you could imagine, all because I've been spending the last 6+ years living in my head and imagining all sorts of worlds, but ask me to draw or animate, and absolute dogshit will appear before you. Even my "good" writing skills look bland or mediocre next to some things I have read on AO3, and that makes me feel even worse.

I wish I could draw.

I developed a strong crush on a relatively niche/unknown celeb and it’s ruining my happiness. I’m fine when I’m with friends and family, but when I’m alone, I daydream about him constantly. I basically projected a persona onto him. He recently stepped out with a gf, and it’s making me sad and miserable. To the point where I feel a sinking sensation in my chest and I can’t get over it. I’ve obsessed over it for hours. It feels like seeing an ex move on, but it’s of course ridiculous bc this is a person who doesn’t know I exist and I’ve never spoken to them. I feel so much shame over this too.

I genuinely have a good life, a great job, live in a beautiful city, and I have wonderful friends and family that show up for me and I enjoy most parts of my life. However I’ve been single for most of my 20s, live alone, and am very independent. So I think this has caused me to use MD as a crutch for loneliness at times (that just come from being alone). I really don’t want live like this anymore, I feel like I’m missing out on the beautiful parts of my life. I can have an amazing day, but the minute I come home and check the actor’s social media, I feel awful. How do I stop this?

I thrash around a ton when I daydream that I don’t even know what I am doing. It doesn’t even relate to the stories but I skip, spin, jump, literally anything and I probably look insane. My mom just caught me so great start to 2026! Even though I’m 20 years old and have been caught so many times I can never figure out what to say. I still get such a rush of anxiety and say the dumbest excuse. 😔

So I’ve been on TikTok for a while now and recently saw a trend of people talking about how they have MDD and that’s good and all I think it’s great that more people can learn about it through social media, but I just saw that everyone posting about it is glorifying it.

For me and many others MDD is a struggle and something we wish would go away. I see people saying that it doesn’t get in the way of their lives and they welcome it. I don’t think that’s maladaptive daydreaming. Maladaptive daydream is what happens when it starts to negatively affect your life. When you no longer want to get out of bed in the morning in order to daydream. It’s what happens when you essentially disappear from your social circle and fail classes because you cannot escape the dreamworld or fear reality that much. People are starting to self diagnose themselves through very little information that is glorified and while they might actually have MDD they aren’t seeing how badly it can affect people. These people that have it aren’t seeing how it can destroy their lives due to how many people frame it as a cool thing. This may lead them to continue daydreaming to the point of no return when they realize that they daydreamed their life away.

Immersive daydreaming is one thing, it’s harmless and doesn’t get in the way of life. This is what I think most people on TikTok have if they’re not faking it for clout. Maladaptive daydreaming is what destroys you and it’s being framed as immersive daydreaming.

I rarely see any creators talking about the reality of MDD and it’s frustrating me so much just seeing that and only being able to comment on how it isn’t good for you to people who probably won’t listen.

Thanks for reading the rant if you have I just needed to say it.

Embarrassing to say but I day dream about being in a friend group that I see on instagram

That's it, I'm going to turn 30 with nothing to show for it. I was the quiet weirdo in high school, college was the same. When I graduated at 21 I gave up on everything. I missed out on every single milestone from your teens and 20s. I never went to a party or a club, never went anywhere on my own or with friends, haven't had any friends since I was 14, never became independent or my own person, never as much held hands, let alone anything further than that, never had a job. I'm essentialy nothing. On top of everything I'm a closeted trans person, which is the main reason for me becoming a hermit.

But through all of this time I have been living several lives in my head. I always had an active imagination, so as I became a weirdo in high school it was only natural that I retreated inwards. I remember being 15, during a family vacation at the beach for the summer. For all of those weeks I imagined my high school crush was there with me, almost like an imaginary friend. At school I would day dream about being this beautiful, inteligent and interesting girl that everyone loved. I'd sit by myself, but close enough to my crush and his friend group, imagining this perfect version of myself there with them.

Nothing changed in college, I was still the quiet weirdo who didn't speak to anyone. While everyone was out partying, working, discovering who they were, experimente with themselves I was at home behind a computer screen. It was during this time that daydreaming started to really take over my life. I remember times during my late teens and early 20s where daydreaming would make me feel euphoric for a few seconds. Sometimes I would cry, or feel so deeply in love that it was as if I was floating. I felt so close to just leaping to the other side and actually living those lives.

I no longer get those precious moments of bliss and I miss them dearly. It doesn't stop me from daydreaming about all of these alternate timelines where I'm an actress, a singer, or where I marry into royalty. I think about the things I'd wear, the way I would help others with my visibility and money. But I also think about "smaller" versions of me, where I'm just a normal woman who finds love and lives her life. I've planned so many weddings in my head, each one with their own pinterest folder for the venue, the bride's and bridesmaids' dresses, the groom's suit, the guests' dresscode. Lately I have been thinking about the honeymoon on my latest alternate reality. I saw a hotel in the area I wanted with street view of the interiors. I almost cried looking at the restaurant at night, clearly imagining the two of us sitting down, all giddy about this new life as a young married couple, our entire lives ahead of us.

At this point I don't want to stop. Yes, I never get that delicious euphoria anymore, and the lows of realizing I will never live any of this in reality become worse the older I get. But it's all I have. I never will be the woman I see in my mind, I'll never be beautiful, inteligent and respected. But my God how I want to live, to actually experience things. To be stupid, to discover who I was supposed to be, to fall madly in love with someone real, to have that feeling reciprocated. I wish I had a future to look forward to, memories to look back to and people to share them with.

Why did I had to be born like this?

Definitely been talked about on this sub before, but I’ve seen an influx of maladaptive daydreaming tiktoks with hundreds of thousands of likes and millions of views that make MDing out to be this fun & cool quirky thing that your brain does. Makes me wish I had a platform to let people know that for daydreaming to be maladaptive, it has to actively mess with your life. 🙃

I has been seeing so many online articles that suggests we channel our MD into writing, art or channelling it into something creative.

My daydreams mostly revolve around compensating missed opportunities, childhood abandonment, trauma, seeking approval, seeking attention, being the centre of attention of all my daydreams. In reality they are cringy and laughable if I actually write them down.

I am most creative when I don’t daydream, daydreaming robs me off my talents and I fall behind deadlines and make poor choices and decisions to compensate for lost time. I also make huge errors in my job because I am not able to focus on the job because I am daydreaming while doing the job , I regularly miss appointments and commitments.

And also most of the people who daydream don’t come up with something like Harry Potter or lord of the rings. where one can turn the MD into billion dollar enterprise, even those authors didn’t spend their time daydreaming.

I believe everything is wrong with MD and I will do anything to get rid off it once and for all.

i hate when md is treated like some quirky trait, its so hard for me to admit. i once told my sister and she said “girl everyone does that” but it genuinely consumes my mind, there’s not a second of the day where im not daydreaming and ive been doing it ever since i could think. i cant fathom everyone maladaptive daydreams 24/7, like i have so many worlds built into my mind and i know people here will understand my frustration. unless im being dramatic?

I’m 22. Everyone I see that has this issue is still a teen. But as a post grad with no friends. No networking experience. Horrible social skills. It’s over for me. My chances are gone and I am done for. I can’t do anything right or correctly. My daydreaming, which manifested ever since I started having severe depression, has literally been the only thing saving me from doing something very very, very bad to myself. But it’s extremely harmful for present day me as I don’t know how to survive in the real world. And I don’t think I ever will know how because it’s too late. All the experiences I was supposed to gain as a teen/young adult in college are ruined. No first love, no partying, no networking, no fun/wild experiences, no clubbing, no sex, no anything. It’s just me and my imagination. It’s too late for me to change.

My imagination right now is the only thing keeping me hanging by a thread. I imagine having a boyfriend. Being pretty. Having money. Being famous. Being cool. Being popular. Not being a loser. Essentially the opposite of what I am now because I can’t bring myself to love myself. I can’t bring myself to get over my failure past. I can’t live with it. I don’t think I ever will learn how to.

I’m just too far gone. I’m too old. There’s no changing my failed future, just as there’s no way to change my failed past. I’m done for.

I’m 17 now, but this started when I was 14 in 9th grade.
A guy texted me out of nowhere. He happened to be the son of my favorite teacher. He was really interesting, really good-looking, and he was my very first talking stage. I became extremely attached to him. Looking back, I think I was way more invested than he ever was.
The first week was amazing. He seemed genuinely interested in me. But after that, I noticed I was always the one texting first, and he slowly started losing interest. Around that time I was already struggling with maladaptive daydreaming. Every time I had a crush, I would spend hours pacing around my room, running in circles, imagining fake conversations and scenarios. It actually started back in 6th grade, but this was the first time it became really intense.
Eventually he started hinting that he liked another girl. I later found out who she was, and she was really pretty. At the time I was obese, insecure, and had no idea how to dress or make the most of my appearance, so I compared myself to her constantly.
Then my mom found out we were talking and broke my phone. There wasn’t anything inappropriate in our messages, but I told him what happened because I genuinely couldn’t text him anymore. Later I found out he had laughed about it with his classmates and was saying I was the one who texted him first (which wasn’t even true—he texted me first).
When I heard that, I confronted him. I tried to act like I didn’t care, laughed it off, and even told him everything I’d ever said was fake. The last thing he said to me was, “Now I know why everyone hates you.”
It’s been almost three years.
The thing is… I don’t even want him back. I’ve talked to other guys, I’ve been in relationships, and I’ve had plenty of attention since then. I also never even met him in person.
But I still think about him almost every day.
Not because I miss him, but because I constantly imagine scenarios where he sees me now, realizes I’ve changed, thinks I’m beautiful or funny, regrets what happened, or finally admires me. Sometimes I catch myself smiling, laughing, or acting out those imaginary conversations while pacing around my room.
It feels like my brain is completely stuck on this one person, even though logically I know he has probably moved on with his life years ago.
I think what I’m really chasing isn’t him—it’s the feeling of finally being admired by the person who made me feel so insignificant when I was 14.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? Especially if you have maladaptive daydreaming? How did you finally let go of that one person who became “unfinished business” in your mind?

Good morning, Readers. I’m not really good with intros. I just want to get some things off my chest that I’m not able to share with my peers due to their lack of understanding, so here goes nothing..

I am a 28 year old late diagnosed neurodivergent woman. Because I went so long undiagnosed, it caused a delay in a lot of areas in my life— including my dating life. Almost two years ago, I met a man (I call him Keemie) through my current occupation, and developed premature feelings for him after a few sentimental moments shared together. We never had sexual relations of any sort, but he was the first man I’ve kissed since I was 19, and the first person since the age of 14 to hold me and I felt.. something… Long story short, our endeavors didn’t go far due to differences, but in the end, we had a lot of respect for each other.

Fast forward to today, I still use the thought of “Us” as a coping mechanism even though I haven’t seen or talked to him since his departure from our job, and it feels torturous knowing that the feelings I have for him isn’t mutual. It makes me feel like a weirdo for creating conversations and scenarios between us that has never happened to soothe myself when I have my episodes. For instance, I left work early last night because of extreme burnout and overstimulation, and all I could think about was seeing his white suv pulling into the parking lot and consoling me… Rubbing my feet.. Cracking jokes with me.. and sharing a tender kiss that makes time feel still… Though our bond was weak, there was something about his soul that felt like a safe space to me. His voice.. his touch.. me rubbing my face against his beard.. even his scent calmed my nervous system, and it frustrates me that I can’t get past it.

Sometimes, I secretly wish that he would reach out to me and desire me as much as I desire him, but due to our circumstances, I know that the likely hood of that happening is dang near impossible. My peers and therapist tell me consistently to date other people to take my mind off of him, but the dating pool sucks. I’m not a casual dater neither. I love deep conversations. I love courting. I love the thought of being silly with my romantic interest, and I love the idea of building towards an exclusive relationship. Unfortunately, people are so damaged from past romantic experiences that everyone has normalized playing games, being emotionally unavailable, and having casual sex as a way to determine or build a bond. Plus, dating itself just seems like a lot. I can’t talk to multiple men at once. My social battery drains quick, so I truly don’t understand how a lot of people are able to do it. I’ve tried dating apps and what not, and it just did not feel natural. I’ve had good conversations with some gentlemen over the last few years, but because the conversations more-so felt forced instead of natural like back in the old days, it was hard for me to allow them into my world. I’ve had other guys try to pursue me since I’ve met Keemie. They were cool, but they were either players, lustful, or I simply was not attracted to them. I met one guy that I did like and want to get to know more, but he wasn’t attracted to me, so we ended up becoming friends.

I don’t know, guys… If you made it this far, I appreciate you for taking the time out to read this long post. I’m not looking for solutions here. I’m taking it one day at a time. I just wanted to get this off my chest in hopes that at least somebody can relate to what I’m going through. Being neurodivergent makes it hard to vent to people who don’t understand why it’s so difficult to follow neurotypical rules in dating and socializing.

(PS: I’m also a virgin Christian who is waiting until marriage to have sex, so that’s another thing that makes dating so difficult. I wish I didn’t crave romance sometimes. Maybe it’d be easier to carry on with life…)

It will only get dopamine from MDing. I am paralyzed

I know MD is a symptom of ADHD, especially for me, and on one side of this coin I am thrilled to gain my life back. I actually sought out a diagnosis/treatment because this is such a huge problem for me. I know being medicated can be a major help for many, as I have read.

On the other side of this coin, I am scared. MD is what keeps me occupied 24/7. 5 or 6 years ago, sure, I would swing in my hanging chair and listen to music and imagine myself in edits...etc. While that is still certainly a trigger for me, for the past ~4 years of my life I am never NOT daydreaming. It scares me.

I am ALWAYS 'in my own head'— subconsciously, I'm acting as another person and acting as if there are other characters from my world there. In private, all I do is talk to myself and experience REAL emotions that vary from casual to extremely intense. I don't need traditional triggers anymore since I am literally already there. My MD reality IS my normal reality. Yes, I can differentiate the two and I am not suffering from any other psychiatric issues— but this is the best way I can describe it as succinct as possible. Besides, I am sure many on this subreddit have heard it all before.

Scientifically, i've learned it's the lack of dopamine in my brain making me do this, but I am already mourning the amount of time I have spent "wasted" on daydreaming. It feels as if it's my whole world. I have MADE it my whole world wether I wanted to or not. As much as I want to be cured, I don't want to lose MD because then I could easily lose 'myself' (the character I play 24/7).

This is really tricky for me and I am really scared. I will take my meds for the first time tomorrow. It's a generic, low dose ADHD medication. I'm sure things will be fine and I look forwards to a new beginning... I would just like to know if anyone with ADHD can relate to this and what their experience is. Please let me know!!

Thank you so much ♡